What I Watched Today

(random, rambling thoughts on today’s TV)

General Hospital

“Jake” tells Sam that a year ago he had no family, no identity, no nothing, and tomorrow he’s getting them all. You know, November 6, the day after Halloween.

Patrick thinks Elizabeth is getting cold feet. She says Audrey’s letter just made her emotional, but he says if she really feels she shouldn’t get married, she should go with her gut feelings.

The sizzle reel sizzles on at The Haunted Star. Everyone stands frozen and Valerie looks like she wants the earth to swallow her up. Dillon is like, oops! wrong thing, let me turn this off, but Lulu tells him not to. Pay off! Pay off!

Olivia, who’s gotten some nice highlights, chats with Carly. Carly says she has something to do and will meet Olivia in Sonny’s room (don’t ask him first or anything). She goes to the laptop and looks at the screen to see Jason’s face looking back. More pay off! I feel like I’ve been waiting so long, I can’t take it all at once. Especially since I got my heart broken during last night’s Walking Dead episode.

Patrick asks Elizabeth if there’s something she wants to tell him. She says that she’s never been happier and she just has pre-wedding jitters. Patrick has never been the most observant guy, but even he knows there’s more to it than that. She says she has a really good feeling about the marriage. Really? No one is this stupid. She has to know the truth is eventually going to come out. Like today I hope. She says maybe her other marriages didn’t work out because she needed to get to the one that’s for keeps.

“Jake” tells Hayden that she’s not welcome at his wedding. She says she and “Jake” should have a clean slate since she lost her memory. Hayden is like, too bad, I’m coming anyway. “Jake” says if she and/or Nicholas upset Elizabeth on her wedding day, they’ll regret it.

Carly calls Spinelli and tells him to call her back immediately when he gets the message.

Sonny, who is looking kind of scruffy good since he hasn’t shaved in a while, is back from PT and Olivia apologizes for lying about Leo. Sonny says he gets that she was just protecting Leo. She had also kept Dante’s paternity from Sonny, and apologizes for Sonny missing out on Dante’s childhood. Sonny is uncharacteristically understanding.

Lulu insists that Dillon put the sizzle reel that isn’t the sizzle reel back on. It gets to the part where Valerie tells Dillon that she slept with Dante, and everyone is like whoa, and looks are being shot everywhere.

Hayden says she admires “Jake” because of how he’s reinvented himself. She says she wants to follow his example. She says she knows she wasn’t the greatest person and wants to have a fresh start. This girl is good because I’m never sure whether to believe her or not.

Patrick and Elizabeth come into the waiting room and Carly shuts the laptop like she’s putting out a fire. “Jake” and Sam are right behind them, and “Jake” immediately knows something’s wrong. Carly says she just has something on her mind and practically runs out of the room. Snot rag Elizabeth says Carly can take care of herself and who cares what her problem is.

Lulu is so delusional, she thinks Valerie made up sleeping with Dante. She says it’s because Valerie still “has feelings” for Dante and insists that Dante correct this misconception, because he would never do such a thing. To his credit, he says he did. I hate that expression “has/have feelings for.” What kind of “feelings?” What does that mean? It’s so vague, it’s annoying.

Hayden says she doesn’t really know where she stands with anyone, and even if they’re being nice, she doesn’t know if it’s genuine or they’re just waiting to pay her back for one of her misdeeds.

Sam tells Elizabeth that she’s marrying a man of many hidden talents, that he blew the roof off at karaoke. Thanks. I would have liked to see that.

Carly calls some lab about running a discreet DNA test on “Jake.” I guess she has connections. She pops into Sonny’s room and says she has to go and deal with something important.

Morgan and Darby are basking in the afterglow and I take a nap. Wake me when Kiki inevitably shows up.

Maxie is totally freaking out. Nathan puts his police hat on (symbolically) and kicks everyone out of the party. Valerie tries to follow the crowd, but Lulu is like, no way, bitch.

Dante keeps trying to get Lulu to go, but she wants answers and rightly so. She asks how long the affair has been going on and Valerie says it was just one night, like that makes it okay. Lulu says she welcomed Valerie into her family and this is how she gets repaid.

I’m thinking maybe Nicholas needs to lay off those Floating Rib dinners, since he’s looking a little chunky. Hayden asks if they’re just “castle mates” or are they moving forward with the relationship?

Oh I get it. Carly wants “Jake” to be hydrated and insists he have some of her water to get a DNA sample. She also says they need to have a long talk before the wedding about best person and groom stuff. Yeah, like maybe he shouldn’t be getting married right now since he’s Jason.

Lulu asks if Dante took Valerie to their home and their bed. She thinks it was the night that Dante admitted to kissing Valerie, but he just edited out the juicy parts. Valerie says no, that it was the night Lulu spent with Dillon in Canada. Lulu is appalled at Valerie’s suggestion she might be at fault here. Me too, really. She’s not being contrite enough for my taste. Valerie says she’s not blaming Lulu, but everyone screwed up, even her. Dante is still trying to get Lulu to leave and Lulu tells him to never come near her again.

Everyone in the hospital waiting room remembers they have homes and cuts out. Carly heads to the lab with the empty water bottle.

The kids are still hanging around The Haunted Star and TJ tells Kiki she should consider forgiving Morgan. Morgan walks in, and Kiki fills him on what happened. When she asks where he was, Darby walks in and says he was with her.

Valerie gets mad at Dillon. She thinks Dillon should fire Andy for being either a perv or a complete incompetent. Maxie thinks they should go after Lulu, but Nathan takes her phone. Maxie realizes Nathan knew the whole time. Dante follows Lulu down to the docks that we can’t seem to get enough of lately.

These are the episodes I live for. And Vanderpump Rules starts its new season tonight. It doesn’t get much better than this.

Ladies of London

Caroline #1 says that Annabelle has been “Poe faced” lately. I like this new term. I don’t know if the guy that woke her up is a friend or her husband, but he’s pretty cute.

They’re on their way somewhere and Caroline #1 is saying Julie is basically subservient to Annabelle. Since Annabelle is in the same limo, doesn’t Caroline know she can hear? Or does she not care?

For winning some battle, Caroline #2’s (The Baroness) 10^th great grandfather won a castle. Some of the furniture is awesome and it goes without saying that the castle itself is. Hmm… If that isn’t Caroline #1’s husband, this guy is inappropriately touching her butt. The Baroness says she realizes she’s privileged and is grateful, but when she was little, she thought everyone lived like that. I can understand somewhat. My father built our house, and since he was living with 3 women (my mother, my sister and I), our bathroom was huge. I was shocked when I saw other people’s bathrooms because I thought everyone’s bathroom was like ours. The castle has a huge room with every kind of taxidermied animal and even a shrunken head. Julie is somewhat appalled, but I think I’d be okay with it. It’s not like that giraffe got felled yesterday. I flash back to the Niagara Falls Museum in Canada, where they have the oldest taxidermied lion ever. The fur is practically falling off of it. I love that place. Nothing much changes there.

Commercial break. I can’t take all this election stuff. Between the TV ads and the robocalls, it makes me never want to vote again because I hate them all.

Ok, that’s Caroline #1’s makeup artist, who no doubt is gay, so touching her butt was okay. Is he single? I might know a guy for him.

It’s time for dinner and it’s one of those really long tables. Annabelle still has a stick up her ass and continues to be Poe faced. I’m going to use that all the time now. Everyone says how great everything is, and it’s obvious Annabelle is not happy. I can’t even remember what it is she’s unhappy about. Geez, she’s having a cigarette and no one is treating her like a pariah. She should at least be happy about that. Julie, Caroline #1 and Annabelle start talking about how Caroline said Julie is Annabelle’s bitch. The Baroness is like, thanks a lot for starting this stuff at my lovely family home.

Caroline #1 says she thinks Julie has more confidence now, that somehow this group of dysfunctional women has given her strength. Probably in self-defense. They’re fun to watch, but I don’t think I’d want to hang out with this crowd. Maybe Juliet and The Baroness, but Julie is scatter-brained and the rest of them will roll over you like a bulldozer.

Caroline #1 goes on about how Julie has gone through an evolution and has her own balls now (no pun intended about the product she sells). Annabelle tells her to talk to the hand. Really. She does.

The Baroness is pissed that breakfast has been on the table since 10 and it’s 10:30. I don’t blame her. Caroline #1 starts stammering that she doesn’t usually go… and The Baroness finishes her sentence with “any place [she] needs manners.” Annabelle lets out a huge laugh. Caroline #1 says she usually doesn’t stay at other people’s homes and The Baroness says at least she’s honest.

Julie says when you hold a yoga pose, you need equal amounts of energy coming from every area of your body and it’s the same in a friendship. Whatever that means. I’m not very good at holding yoga poses, although I do just fine with friendships.

Annabelle gets a call while she’s chatting with Joan Collins Sophie. Whatever it is, it’s not good news. She’s going “oh no” and “don’t talk about that stuff.” Now she’s crying.

Okay. Apparently, this has something to do with a book someone is writing about Alexander McQueen and some article that’s coming out about it in the tabloids. She’s pissed because there’s no way to defend yourself when you’re dead and everyone is coming out of the woodwork with nasty stories. I shrug and think this is part of being a skabillionaire celebrity. The Baroness says thanks for sharing, but Julie thinks there’s more to it than that.

The two Caroline’s go to Svendborg Church where The Baroness’s family members are buried or interred or whatever. It’s absolutely beautiful. Her mother died from cancer and The Baroness mostly grew up without her. Caroline #1 says she feels stupid for even griping about her business.

The Baroness’s parents (I guess she has a stepmother?) are coming for dinner and everyone gets super dressed up. The Baroness says her relationship with her father has always been rocky because he doesn’t understand her life choices. I’m guessing this means she didn’t marry some lord and churn out grandkid heirs. Annabelle banters with The Baron about how favors and affairs are the ways titles are received. My husband is a Marquis, which I guess makes me a Marquise, but I have no idea what favors or affairs happened there. A title and $3.50 will get me on the subway.

The Baroness makes a toast. In her individual interview segment, Marissa says blah-blah-blah about how she has a new respect for The Baroness, and I couldn’t care less. She gives a toast about being in love with all people and things Denmark, which comes off to me as just a bunch of empty flattery.

Commercial break. I read an article about Kurt Russell trick-or-treating with his grandkids, and think he’s one hot granddad.

They go to the ballroom and dance around crazy drunk. The Baroness suggests a nightcap, which believe me, no one needs. There is a group hug.

Next week, the season finale. Marissa’s restaurant opening is delayed and there’s more Annabelle drama. I see Caroline #1’s husband, think ok yeah that’s him, I remember now, and that he can’t hold a candle to the makeup artist.

Vanderpump Rules

Lisa looks like she’s lost weight. Does that mean there’s still hope for me? It looks like Kristen is still a psychotic a-hole and Stassi has had some work done. Although why either one of them is still on this show, I’m not sure. Oh yeah, drama.

Lisa says that last year was all about opening PUMP, but now she’s back to concentrating on SUR. She has a sit down with the staff. Jax has also had another nose job. I can’t stand him, but he really did have nasal problems and it’s not just a cosmetic thing, so I give him a pass.

James has been DJ-ing at PUMP, and says Kristen has been coming in and day drinking. She is so insane. You can just see it in her eyes. Lisa says Kristen isn’t allowed in PUMP or SUR when James is working. How about not letting her in period? Lisa complains that Tom hasn’t been on the ball and he says he’s not the only one.

It’s almost Scheana’s 30^th birthday and she wants to have a “decades” party. I have no clue what that is. Kate goes down Memory Lane when she gave Schwartz the ultimatum to put a ring on it within 6 months. She says she has the feeling it’s coming. So is the apocalypse.

Jax tells James he doesn’t need grief from Kristen and that she’s a ticking time bomb. Yep. Jax’s ex-girlfriend, Carmen, is friends with Kristen and this boggles my mind, since she seemed sane. Kristen and James have an argument on the phone before the first commercial.

Commercial break. Those Hunger Games books and movies look good, but I don’t want to get wrapped up in another series. True Blood and Game of Thrones have been bad enough. I’m not even sure if I’m up for adding Après Ski.

Jax and James have an argument because Jax is a total gossip. James says Jax’s bro code is “F-U, bros.”

Ken shows up at SUR. He looks amazing for being 110 and just having had a hip replacement.

Scheana says Kristen isn’t invited to her birthday party. Tom says you actually have to ban her from a place for her not to show up anyway. I know someone like that too.

Here she comes! Jax asks what Kristen is doing in the parking lot. She’s pissed because James told Jax her business and he in turn told Carmen. Kristen says that being fired from SUR freed her to work on her T-shirt line and I choke on my seltzer. James is pretty angry about Kristen showing up just before he’s about to DJ and hopes Lisa doesn’t find out. This girl is so freakin’ out there, I don’t get why anyone has anything to do with her. Although I do know she and James called it quits a couple of months ago.

Jax’s real name is Jason. His mom is visiting and he’s asked his friends not to call him Jax in front of her. I didn’t know he had a mom. I figured he was raised by wolves. This guy is just too old even to be hanging out with these kids, let alone floundering along with nothing really going on in his life.

Commercial break. It’s one of those ads where Matthew McConaughey is in the car, making fun of his esoteric self. No. Just no.

James brings Kristen flowers and apologizes because he’s a total idiot. I don’t mean he’s apologizing for being an idiot; I mean he’s an idiot for apologizing. Kristen says she never knows what she’ll get with him, and I choke again, since she’s about as bi-polar as they come. James says he doesn’t want to bring her to Scheana’s party and she says fine, but it’s not fine.

Scheana has a birthday lunch at Villa Blanca with Jax and his mother in attendance. Jax’s mother says he’s been a handful from the day he was born. Lisa asks what’s the worst thing he ever did. Mom talks about how when he was 12, Jax hit on his bus driver. Maybe it’s me, but I don’t think his looks are all that and certainly not enough to make up for the rest of him.

Schwartz wants to get a permanent. Tom says they call it a perm for a reason and this might be a mistake. Schwartz says he’s ready to propose to Katie. After the hair process, Schwartz says his hair isn’t as “permy” as he thought it would be, but he likes it. Actually, it’s not bad. I was afraid he’d end up looking like Carrot Top.

Commercial break. Yep, Christmas is here now, since we’re done with Halloween. How much do you think I’ll hate The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies by December 25? Living in the area, we also get local ads for Broadway shows and King Charles III looks amazing, but I’d really love to see Bruce Willis in Misery.

On to the party. Katie says something about someone looking like they’re from Andy Warhol’s Factory and I’m shocked she even knows what that is. Carmen didn’t want to go, and Jax says he went one down in his contacts and brought Carter. Bleh. Scheana is dressed as Madonna in her boy toy phase and I love it. I wish we still dressed like that.

Ha! Kristen says that she knows technically she wasn’t invited, but she knows Scheana wants her there anyway because she’s psychotic psychic. The costumes are pretty fabulous overall, outfits mostly portraying the 60s, 70s and 80s.. James is DJ-ing and the place is rocking out. Of course Kristen starts bugging him immediately that he’s drinking too much, which makes him want to drink more. Kristen says he’s on his way to being a drunken a-hole. While he does like to get his drink on, the only time I’ve seen him really be an a-hole is when she starts something. I’m not crazy about him, but he seems to go out of his way to treat her well and she doesn’t appreciate it at all.

Tom does some kind of roller skating routine on the dance floor. Ken tells Tom not to disrespect his wife (this has something to do with the staff meeting), and Tom says the British gangster is coming through.  I love Ken. He’s the most perfect husband I’ve ever seen. He’d do anything for Lisa. Apparently, there was some kind of altercation with Kristen and James at PUMP, and Lisa tries to discuss it with Kristen. Lisa says she’s asking for the impossible in expecting Kristen to take any responsibility for anything. I concur. She also says that at 54 years old, she wants respect. To which I say, good luck with that. They keep cutting to Ariana who’s making a lot of faces.

Scheana says that Kristen has been more pleasant lately and that she has a soft spot for her. Not me and I think she’s batsh*t crazy. Ariana is annoyed that Scheana, who is supposed to be her best friend, says Kristen has never given her a direct reason not to like her. In other words, wishing for Ariana’s death wasn’t enough. I’m trying to figure out what Ariana’s costume is supposed to be. Something from the 70s, but she looks like she’s dressed like a guy and the whole getup is kind of monochromatic and boring.

Where is my Giggy?

Everyone is getting drunker. Scheana’s husband is doing some two-fisted drinking, and Tom is pouring liquor straight into his mouth from the bottle of Fireball. I like Fireball — and it has the extra benefit of clearing out your sinuses — but only one shot. I can’t even fathom chugging it. Kristen tells James to slow his drinking roll and he says she drives him to drink. Now he’s telling Tom how much he loves him and Tom jumps into the pool with his roller skates on.

Next week, it looks like we’re getting some new people.

Just a note on Après Ski. After watching the first episode, it looks like it’s a mo’ money, mo’ problems for the staff show, revolving around a ski resort. A keeper unless something better comes along.