What I Watched Today

(rambling, random thoughts & annoyingly detailed recaps from real time TV watching)

General Hospital

Julian tells Alexis that he’s always held on to the hope that they could make a life together again. He tells her that he’s alive because of her, she’s his reason for living and his heartbeat. I gag, but she says she sees him, and they kiss.

Elizabeth has called Scotty to help Franco because she doesn’t want him railroaded by the police.

Jordan is outside talking to someone on the phone about Tom’s murder. There are no witnesses, but they do have a murder weapon. Andre comes along.

Michael offers to give Nell a ride home. He says it’s her Christmas present. Geez, don’t go overboard. They leave, and Sonny tells Carly that she cleared out the place pretty quickly. She says she wanted to be alone with him.

Dante tells Franco that he isn’t under arrest, and Scotty says he wants to keep it that way. Dante says that Franco had a public altercation with Tom, and they want to ask him some questions. He says Tom might have been a degenerate, but he still has to handle the case. Franco says he’s happy to answer any questions and has nothing to hide. Scotty insists on being in the room for any questioning.

Julian tells Alexis that he’s been praying for something like that to happen. Alexis says she didn’t mean it. He tells her that part of her did. She asks which part, so she can have it removed.

Dante talks to Franco about the altercation with Tom at the hospital. He asks if Franco recalls threatening Tom’s life. Franco says yes, but he doesn’t remember exactly what he said. Dante asks Elizabeth if Tom had contacted her, and she says he did, but there wasn’t anything worthy of letting the police know about it. Franco thinks that Tom wanted to bother Elizabeth, and got the job at the hospital to act legitimate. He says he knows nothing about Tom’s death, and an altercation isn’t murder. Dante gets a call and has to leave for a moment.

Scotty tells Franco there’s a Latin phrase that comes to mind – shut up, you dummy. He thanks Elizabeth for having Franco’s back, and leaves to talk to Dante. Elizabeth says the fight Franco and Tom had might not mean anything, but he never finished what it was he wanted to tell her about Tom.

Nell asks Michael if he’d like to come in for tea or hot cocoa, and he says she read his mind. He thanks her for getting the Christmas cookies and talks about going to get them with Morgan when they were kids. Nell says the tribute to Morgan was beautiful, and thanks Michael for including her. He’s surprised she enjoyed it. He says he noticed that when Carly started talking about family, she seemed sad, and asks what that’s about.

Carly says she and Sonny need to talk about something. She says that she knows Sonny and Nell were lying to her, and she knows why. I’ll bet she doesn’t.

Jordan asks Andre what’s up. He says he was at some Kwanza festivities, and explains the holiday to her. He says he sees her eyes glazing over and is afraid he nerded her out. She says no, but she’d like to know what it means to him. He says the seven core principles give him peace of mind and pride. Jordan says it’s been a while since they’ve spoken, and Andre asks her to rectify that right now if she has the time. She says she does.

Julian tells Alexis that he didn’t want this to happen because she was drunk. She insists she isn’t, but we all see how low the level in the bottle is, and it was full when she started. Julian says her drinking is scaring him. She tells him that although she disagrees with his perception, she heard him, and he needs a truth from her.

Carly tells Sonny she knows the gloves were from Nell not him, because he gives jewelry and cars. He says he was afraid that if he gave her something, she’d throw it back at him. He says he can get her something else, but she says she’s happy to just be with him.

Nell tells Michael that she was thinking about her childhood. Christmas was hard. There weren’t many presents because they had difficulty making ends meet. She wished for so many things as a kid, not just big things, but she never got the little ones either. Michael says he’s sorry, but she says it’s not his fault. She says growing up poor and suddenly being surrounded by so much, she gets jealous sometimes.

Franco suggests to Elizabeth that they just get through this first. He apologizes for breaking his promise to stay away from Tom. He says he did something to Tom that seemed like the right thing to protect her. He dances around actually telling her anything, and she asks if he killed Tom.

Andre tells Jordan he’s missed her and she says she’s missed him too. He says he called once, but didn’t leave a message. He realized he wasn’t ready to discuss things yet, but now he’s more than ready. He says the whole thing started because he answered her phone and didn’t tell her Curtis had called, and he never meant to invade her privacy. She says that Curtis was calling about a police matter, and he didn’t give her the message. Andre says he was feeling insecure about the history she and Curtis shared, and he never should have done it. He apologizes and says he’d like to pick up their relationship if she’s willing. She tells him that she accepts his apology, and she’s sorry too. She says she doesn’t want Curtis getting in the way if she and Andre get together again.

Franco tells Elizabeth that he didn’t even know Tom was dead until the police came. He wanted to stop Tom from hurting her, and if Tom missed his parole meeting, he’d go back to prison. Elizabeth asks what he did. He tells her that he got Tom to the studio, drugged him, and put him in a dog crate. He says he was going to let him go after the meeting was missed, but Tom got out and put him in the crate. Elizabeth says he deserved it. He agrees, and says he never saw Tom again after that. Elizabeth tells him it’s wrong on so many levels, and you can’t break the law just because you’re not in agreement with it. He says he wanted to protect the woman he loves. I would have been laughing if my boyfriend said he put a bad guy in a dog crate.

Carly tells Sonny that she didn’t think she could ever be happy again. She knows the anger wasn’t helping and kept her trapped alone with her pain. She says Morgan deserves better; he deserves to be remembered with love and joy. She thinks they did that tonight, and that was her Christmas present. Sonny says him too.

Michael tells Nell that everybody gets jealous, but it’s important not to get stuck there. He says you can miss out on what’s yours if you focus on what others have. He realizes he grew up privileged, but he still felt sorry for himself, and it didn’t get him anywhere. He decided to come up with three things every day to be grateful for, even if they’re small. He says he’s grateful for Josslyn’s health and grateful for Nell. The tea kettle whistles, and Nell accidentally knocks her music box off the table. Michael starts to help her pick it up, but she abruptly tells him no.

Alexis says Julian assumed the alcohol would lower her defenses, and make her nostalgic and kiss him impulsively. She says the kiss was like Duke’s and Carrrlos’s murder; it was premeditated. She tells Julian that because of his narcissism, he thinks she still has feelings for him, but he’s wrong. She wanted him to remember what they had, so she could assure him it will never happen again. I have to admit, that’s a good one.

Franco tells Elizabeth that what he did was twisted, but doesn’t regret the impulse behind it. Dante comes back in and tells them they can go. When he leaves, Scotty tells them that he couldn’t hear much that Dante was saying, but did hear Tom’s name. He instructs them not to talk to the police unless he’s present. Franco says Scotty told him once that a good lawyer doesn’t ask a question he doesn’t want the answer to, and Scotty hasn’t asked if he killed Tom. Scotty says he wants to find out what’s up with the police first, and they’ll talk on the way home. Elizabeth says she’ll drive Franco back.

Nell asks Michael to get the kettle and she’ll clean up. She apologizes for overreacting. She goes to the kitchen to make cocoa, and he eyeballs the music box.

Sonny asks Carly if she wants to come and watch Avery open presents on Christmas. She says she can’t think of anything better. He says he’d like to think that maybe she came for Christmas Eve just a little for him.

Andre tells Jordan that he never planned on not seeing her over the holidays, so he got her a gift. She says she got something for him too, since she thought they’d figure a way to make it work. He says there’s still enough of a holiday season left for them to share. They kiss.

Julian tells Alexis that they both know why she kissed him. It was a poor decision because she’s drunk. She tosses his pill bottles on the couch, and tells him to be secure in the knowledge that she’ll be an excellent nurse, because she wants him out of her house and her life.

Dante brings in the murder weapon. It’s the knife that Tom took from Franco’s studio. No huge surprise there.

Michael and Nell sip cocoa. She wonders if he’s going to ask what’s in the box. He says he thought that if she wanted to, she’d tell him. She explains that it’s a Christmas present from when she was young. She only has a few things from her childhood and they’re all in the box. Not all of them are happy memories, but she keeps them. He says it would be disrespectful to get rid of them. She says she never thought about it that way, but he’s right. She should never forget where she came from.

Carly gets ready to leave. Sonny says he doesn’t want to pressure her, but wants to know if there’s a chance they can find their way back to each other.

Andre tells Jordan it’s been a pretty wonderful Kwanza, Charlie Brown.

Alexis tells Julian they’re done here, and goes upstairs.

Carly tells Sonny that she doesn’t know how she’ll feel tomorrow, but tonight she was exactly where she wanted to be. They don’t kiss.

Nell tells Michael that she thinks she underestimated how tired she was. Michael says he’s got to get going anyway, and thanks her for the cocoa. He leaves and she heaves a huge sigh. She takes a baby rattle out of the box. It has the name Caroline on it.

Scotty is going to hang around and see if he can get something out of Dante. Elizabeth dashes out the door and Franco chases after her. Outside, she tells him that they both know that the knife is the kind that artists use. And he’s an artist.

Tomorrow, Lulu wants to get Charlotte away from Valentine, Jason tells Sam that he and Curtis don’t think Julian is behind the bombing, and Winston tells the boss that Julian needs to learn about consequences.

Vanderpump Rules

Katie’s mom and grandma are helping to fold the tea towel wedding invitations. Kristen and Stassi join them. In her interview, Stassi thinks $18.50 for “a rag” is a bit much, but I actually think it’s a cute and clever idea. Schwartz leaves for a suit fitting.

Peter has texted Kristen about Lala’s infamous Range Rover. Grandma says it’s $750 a month to rent. Some remarks are made about whatever Lala’s arrangement is.

Moving on. Stassi talks about the trip to Montauk. She claims they’ll get the full experience in one weekend. In her interview, Kristen wonders how many Hamptons there are since it’s plural. Stassi says Scheana’s decision about coming with them or not is far reaching, and she’s definitely not exhibiting bridesmaid behavior. Whatever that is. I’ve always been a bride, but never a bridesmaid.

Shay complains to Scheana about making the bed, since it just gets messed up again. Scheana tells Shay about trying to have a conversation with the girls while they were drunk and she was sober. Shay tells her that it seems like Stassi tries to control everyone. In her interview, Scheana says she could do everything right and they’d still find fault with it. Shay suggests she just ignore them and they’ll see how much they miss and need her. I have to disagree about that being good plan. He tells Scheana that they’re a pack of bullies.

James has a new DJ gig. Ariana, Tom, and Lala show up for support. Lala thinks this place is way better than PUMP, and she’s proud of James. Both things are questionable. The club isn’t nearly as upscale as PUMP, even though James tells us it’s between the Whiskey A-GO-GO and the Roxy, and we also see James slugging back cough syrup. Lala is excited to be going on Ariana’s birthday trip. We flash back to last year when she wasn’t invited. She isn’t thrilled that Jax is going, but she’s committed to having a good time.

In her interview, Kristen says her relationship with Jax is complicated. They’re like a stepbrother and sister who have slept together a couple of times. Eww! Jax has some cysts in his chest that were the result of taking “supplements.” Although he’s not going to do anything rash like stop taking them. I have the feeling the “supplements” he’s talking about are called steroids. This dude is such an idiot, I’m amazed he’s lived this long. He and Kristen go to the gym for a boxing workout class.

After the class, Jax asks Kristen about Carter. She says the one difficulty is him having to be away periodically for work. Jax is glad she finally has normal relationship problems. They talk about Ariana’s upcoming birthday.

Katie picks up Lisa’s summer car and gives her the first wedding invitation. In her interview, Lisa says that they’re a bit Bohemian and unique, although not her style, and we flash back to Pandora’s elaborate invites. Katie talks to Lisa about Scheana being ridiculous. Lisa says she got the impression that Katie had gotten drunk and sent her an aggressive text. Lisa brings up Stassi, saying she makes everything worse instead of better, and is very controlling. Katie feels that she can think for herself and that Lisa is being insulting.

Brittany accompanies Jax to the doctor. He tells her that he’s nervous, and she tells him not to worry and that she’ll take care of him. The doctor comes to get him. He’s hoping to get everything, so there doesn’t have to be a repeat performance surgery. They remove what the doctor describes as a hard disk of breast tissue. He believes it’s benign, but is sending it to pathology to be on the safe side.

The surgery is successful. The doctor tells Jax no drinking for now, and Jax wonders how he’s going to survive going to NASCAR and wine country.

Lisa goes into SUR and notices the red bottoms on Lala’s ankle boots. In her interview, Lisa says either Lala is blowing her rent money on shoes or something else is going on. Lala tells Lisa about the birthday trip. She wonders how she’s going to share one bathroom with everyone else. In her interview, Lisa says that Lala loves to create situations and then play the baby girl, and life doesn’t work like that. She gives Lala the sage advice not to take her top off at NASCAR.

James and Raquel go out to lunch. In his interview, James says they have a lot in common. Like eating food. I’m not kidding. That’s what he said. Raquel talks about a beauty contest she has coming up and stresses about walking in a bathing suit and heels. Beautiful people problems. She asks if he got his job back at PUMP, and he says he’s talking to Lisa tomorrow. He tells Raquel that leaving there was like leaving his family. He says if Lisa turns him down, he’s going to keep asking every month.

Jax gets home and Brittany tucks him in on the couch. She explains that his chest is going to be concave until the swelling goes down, and he freaks a little. In her interview, she says he’s needy and grumpy, and constantly asking for food, pretty much like he always is. Schwartz comes by with Tom, bearing gifts of a Hooters T-shirt and a service bell. I’m sure Brittany is ecstatic about the bell. Jax asks if Scheana has decided about the trip. Schwartz says he has no clue, but his main job is just keeping Katie calm.

Stassi’s mother and eleven-year-old brother visit her. Her mother complains about there not being any central air when she’s going through menopause. A girl calls through FaceTime on her brother’s tablet, and Stassi answers it even though he begs her not to. She teases him, but then tells him he can take it in the bedroom. In her interview, she says that she and her brother are very close, which is pretty obvious.

Stassi and her mother discuss the pattern of Stassi and Patrick breaking up and making up. In her interview, Stassi says this time it seems serious and real. She tells her mom about Scheana fighting with the girls, and says she hasn’t spoken with her since.

Scheana and her mother go for mani-pedis. Her mom asks if she’s spoken to the girls. Scheana says she woke up wishing it was just a bad dream. Her mom says that she saw Stassi crying in the bathroom and Scheana doesn’t understand how things get so blown out of proportion. Her mother asks if she thinks Katie will be mad enough to drop her as a bridesmaid, and tells Scheana to fix it soon. Scheana says the Montauk trip is giving her anxiety.

Stassi asks her brother for advice. He asks who started the fight and how much they had to drink, her in particular. Ha-ha! She tells him what Scheana was saying to Katie, and he tells her that her problem is getting in other people’s business. Stassi says sometimes people don’t know when they should apologize, and he says Scheana has to figure that out for herself and Stassi isn’t the boss of everyone. This kid is quite savvy. In her interview, Stassi says she’s not going to listen to an eleven-year-old. I’m not sure why, since he’s apparently more mature than she is.

It’s Ariana’s birthday, so she’s put on her tiara. We flash back to last year when Tom ditched her birthday for Las Vegas, and he says this year he’s planned the birthday trip of a lifetime for her. Lala and James arrive. Is James’s shirt distressed or is he just a slob? In his interview, James says it’s the second year he hasn’t been invited to Ariana’s birthday. He understood last year, but says this time it’s because of Jax. Lala asks if Jax has any problem with her, but Ariana says no. James tries to worm his way into being invited, but Ariana stands firm. She doesn’t want any arguing on the trip. Good luck with that, even without James.

James goes to see Lisa at SUR. When she sees him, she goes ugh! and I laugh. He tells her he misses working there and blah-blah-blah. He curses and she tells him it’s disrespectful. She says she thinks she did him a favor by letting him go. In his interview, James thinks he’s the king of everything and the best DJ in the world. Lisa tells him that he acted like an arrogant little punk and she doesn’t employ arrogant little punks. He says Jax works for her, and she says he doesn’t act out at work. James begs to differ, and Lisa is like, nice, you drop an F-bomb and then call me a liar. She tells him her life is better without him. He keeps yammering on, saying he’s sober now, and Lisa tells him maybe he should investigate another career path. She tells him time is money and asks if they’re done. In her interview, she says you don’t know what you have until it’s gone, and James is gone.

The friends gather at the airport to fly to San Francisco. Lala isn’t there. Both Ariana and Tom have texted her, but Ariana only got a question mark and exclamation point as a reply. In her interview, Ariana wonders if Lala is standing them up. Tom tries to FaceTime her. They board the plane. Still no Lala. Tom says he’ll be pissed if anyone messes up the trip and it’s not looking good for Lala showing up.

Next time, the Montauk trip, the NASCAR trip, and no one can find Lala.

What I Watched Today

(rambling, random thoughts & annoyingly detailed recaps from real time TV watching)

General Hospital

Anna sees Dante. She tells him about her conversation with Griff, discussing Charlotte’s parentage. She asks how he’s holding up. He says it’s bad enough that Valentin is walking around town, but now he shares a child with Lulu. Anna says that Charlotte is lucky that Lulu’s her mom, and Dante has to agree with that. He says they have to settle some things before confronting Valentin.

Lulu goes to Windemere. She tells Valentin that she doesn’t care what story he tells her, she’s Charlotte’s mother and she’s ready for a fight. He says he has no intention of fighting with her.

Franco sees Elizabeth at the hospital. She says she’s been looking for him. She tells him that his landlord called the hospital about a noise complaint at his apartment because he couldn’t get him on the phone. The music is blasting. Franco says he can’t find his phone. Elizabeth asks what he has going on over there.

Franco’s phone is on the floor not far from the cage Tom is in. Tom tries to reach it, but it’s a little too far.

Tracy reads from the tabloids to a sleeping Hayden. Hayden asks her to stop; she’s trying to will herself to live. Tracy tells her that Finn thinks he’s found a cure.

Finn goes to the lab. (Is he allowed in there?) Brad comes in and asks what he’s doing there, answering my question. Brad says he’s going to call security, but Finn says he needs Brad’s help – it’s a matter of life and death.

Valentin asks Lulu if she’d like tea. She says she has no intention of sipping tea with the man who killed her brother. He says it was a misunderstanding, but she’s not budging. She tells him to give her Charlotte and stay out of their lives forever. He says he’s not relinquishing his parental rights, and she’ll have to learn to co-parent with him. Charlotte comes downstairs with Nina.

Anna and Dante discuss Charlotte. He says he loves Charlotte, but he’s not her dad. And it’s not like an adoption; she already has a father.

Valentin re-introduces Charlotte to Lulu. While Charlotte is occupied, Nina asks what’s happening. Valentin says he and Lulu were discussing Charlotte’s future. Lulu says there’s no future with the two of them. Nina says that Lulu just met Charlotte, and Valentin has been raising Charlotte her whole life. Lulu asks how it concerns her, since she’s nothing to Charlotte. Nasty.

Franco makes up some artistic reason for the music being so loud. Elizabeth leaves to do hospital stuff, and Franco asks himself where his cell phone is.

Tom continues to try and get the phone with a piece of wire he found.

Brad tells Finn that’s something addicts say, and he’s not turning a blind eye to anything. Finn says he’s not an addict, and Brad asks why he looks like one. Finn says he’s trying to save someone’s life, and Brad says he wants the whole truth.

Hayden tries to get up, but Tracy says denial doesn’t look good on her. She’s texted Elizabeth who’s coming to give Hayden something for her fever. Hayden asks why Tracy is taking care of her, since she hasn’t exactly won her over with charm. Tracy says because Hayden reminds her of someone who was arrogant and elitist, and Hayden tells Tracy to stop flattering her. Tracy says they were ruthless in business, and took a long time to care about someone, and let them care about her, and she’s hoping Hayden learns from her mistakes. Hayden thanks her, probably realizing that Tracy is talking about herself.

Finn explains everything to Brad. Brad says he’d only heard of someone in a distant country having the disease, and understands now that’s why Finn has been taking the drug. Finn says his supply is running low because he’s sharing with Hayden. He says it’s an accelerated case, but he might have found a cure.

Valentin says Charlotte adores Nina, and Lulu should accept that Nina has a place in her life. Lulu says she’ll make those decisions. He tells her he wants to go slow because up until now, Charlotte thought Claudette was her mother. Lulu thinks he’s trying to drive a wedge between them, but he says that’s not the case. Valentin suggests a playdate with Lulu to Charlotte.

Dante tells Anna about his concerns. She thinks he’s mourning the idea of not having another child of his own. She says that he loves Lulu and Charlotte is a part of her, so he’ll love Charlotte too. He says he wants to believe that, but it’s not going to be easy. He tells Anna that Valentin is a lunatic, and opening their doors to Charlotte means opening them to him too. Anna thinks he’s not going to be a threat much longer, and that she’s on to something.

Lulu tells Charlotte about the tree lighting ceremony at the MetroCourt. Valentin says Charlotte should go and show off her pretty dress, and that Lulu will take good care of her. Nina goes to get her coat. Lulu thanks Valentin, who tells her to make sure Charlotte is home before it’s too late. Lulu interrupts Nina putting on Charlotte’s gloves, and takes her outside. Nina asks Valentin if he’s out of his mind. On the porch, Lulu puts Charlotte’s gloves on, and says she knows they’ll have a wonderful time together.

Just as Brad asks Finn about one of the vials in the lab, ABC breaks in with something going on in Berlin, which they think is a deliberate attack. Okay, maybe this is important, but it still could have waited a whole half an hour.

Thank you, God. They’re going back to the show. They even said there’s no confirmation of anything and they know nothing. So why bother me with it???

Elizabeth and a doctor discuss Hayden’s condition. I’m assuming she got sent to the hospital while I was in Berlin. Her sepsis has come back, and they’re going to have to put her into a medically induced coma. She’s worried she won’t wake up, but the doctor says it can’t wait.

Nina asks why Valentin handed Charlotte over to Lulu when she clearly didn’t want to go. He wants to avoid conflict, but Nina says Lulu is like a kid with a new toy who doesn’t want to share. She thinks Lulu has other plans.

Anna tells Dante that she thinks Valentin burned down his old school to burn down his past. She also wants to find out where their paths have crossed. She can’t put him in context. She says he keeps taunting her with reminders of her past, but thinks he’s going to eventually slip up. Lulu and Charlotte join them.

Lulu introduces Dante to Charlotte. Anna tells Charlotte that Emma is downstairs, and takes Charlotte to see her. Lulu tells Dante that Charlotte has Nicholas’s eyes. She babbles a little, and Dante asks how this happened. She says she went to see Valentin, and Dante asks what she was thinking.

Valentin tells Nina that it took every ounce of will power. He says his move was strategic; if he deals with Lulu honestly, he’s hoping she’ll do the same. Nina thanks him for defending her place In Charlotte’s life. He says she has a place in his too. She asks what if she doesn’t want it, and he says he’ll let her go, but he’ll just chase her again, and they can save time by just being together now. They kiss.

Tom tells Franco he’s had his fun. He needs to check in with his parole officer, and it dawns on him that it’s Franco’s plan to get him sent back to prison. Franco tells him that bad dogs get sent back to the pound.

Finn’s phone rings. It’s Elizabeth. She tells him they had to bring Hayden back to the hospital. She says Hayden is scared and so is she.

Hayden thanks Tracy for everything. Tracy tells her she’s going to be okay. She falls asleep, and the doctor says it will take stress off her system. He can’t say whether she’ll live through the night though.

Brad finds Finn gone. Finn runs into Hayden’s room with a syringe in his hand.

Lulu tells Dante that she wasn’t sure where his head was at. These two always talk like they came from the late 60’s. He says she’s Charlotte’s mother and he’s on board. Anna brings the girls I-don’t-know-where. She parks them while she takes a call from Robert, who says it’s another dead end. Anna tells him that she’s not giving up.  When Anna returns, the girls are humming a song. She asks where they heard it, and Emma says Charlotte just taught it to her. She must be a quick learner.

Tom begs Franco not to send him back to prison, and says he’s changed. He says he’ll stay away from Franco and his friends, and give up photography. He threatens to tell the cops, and Franco says he doesn’t think so. He says Tom would be amazed what you can do with Photoshop. If Tom goes to the police, he’ll manipulate a photo of Tom to look like he went to an island somewhere.  Franco leaves.

Finn tells the doctor Hayden is his patient, and he’d like to discuss things with her family. Tracy tells him the doctor doesn’t expect her to make it through the night. He says he thinks he has a cure. He’s going to test it on himself, and it will either cure him or kill him.

Anna asks Charlotte who taught her the song, and she says poppa whistles it to her. Anna suggests they get some hot chocolate before the tree lighting. The girls continue to hum the song, and Anna flashes back to her younger self hearing someone whistle it.

Nina says she knows Valentin wants to spare Charlotte a custody battle, but she doesn’t think Lulu will back off. She tells him that he’s been painted as a villain, and she speaks from personal experience when she says there’s no telling how far someone will go when they’re trying to defend their child.

Lulu says she feels better hearing Dante say they’re together in this. She understands him having mixed feelings. He says they’re going to co-parent with the man who killed her brother. She says she has no intention of giving Charlotte back.

Franco goes back to the hospital. There’s a guy talking to Elizabeth, and she introduces him as Tom’s brother, Seth. She says he hasn’t seen Tom in a few days, and he wouldn’t know anything about that, right?

Tom gets the lock open and gets out of the cage.

Tracy says Finn can’t inject himself with something that hasn’t been tested. He says it’s no time for rational thinking. Hayden gave him back a part of his life that he didn’t think existed anymore. He gives Tracy something to give to Brad if the doctors can’t get to him in time. He asks her to make sure he’s not interrupted. She tells him just don’t die, and goes into the hallway to guard the door. He prepares the injection, but Hayden’s bedside alarms go off.

Tomorrow, Charlotte wants to go home, Elizabeth asks Franco what he did, and Tom screams his head off.

Vanderpump Rules

The servers gather before the restaurant opens. They discuss Ariana’s birthday. Scheana thinks that she hasn’t been invited because it’s common knowledge that she’s going to the Hamptons with Stassi that same weekend. Shay and Carter also have birthdays coming up, and there’s a combined surprise party where each thinks they’re going to the other one’s celebration.

Stassi says she loves SUR now that she doesn’t work there anymore. Yes, we all know how she feels about goat cheese balls. She’s been doing a podcast called Straight Up with Stassi. She tells Brittany that Jax would be a good fit to discuss reformed cheaters. He claims that Brittany is the woman who changed him, so she wanted to check with her first. Brittany is fine with it, saying the only thing that her Jax and Stassi’s Jax have in common is their name.

Ariana asks Scheana if she can talk with her and Katie in the back. She says it’s nothing bad, but certainly that will be a matter of opinion. Ariana says she knows there’s conflict with them and Lala, and Lisa suggested they meet and discuss. In her interview, Katie wonders what Ariana thinks she’s doing trying to broker a peace treaty, and feels that there are no more chances with Lala. Lala joins them, and Ariana asks how they can make things peaceful. Lala says she tried to apologize to Scheana, and feels like she got shut down. Ariana brings up the married man rumors, and Katie claims a video came out. Lala says they’re out of their minds, and she was actually covering up the guy she was really dating, who she just broke up with. Ariana says there’s been trashing on both sides. Lala tells them that she’s not going to apologize again, and she and Katie start to argue. In her interview, Scheana says she doesn’t know what to do, since she and Lala are friendly now. She apologizes for anything she’s said that hurt anyone’s feelings, and promises that not one word about anyone will pass her lips anymore. The meeting breaks up, and it seem like it was pretty useless.

Brittany tells Lisa about Stassi’s podcast. In her interview, Lisa says no matter what, Brittany is always smiling, and wonders where her pissed off face is. She tells Brittany she wouldn’t do it, but Brittany thinks everything is just dandy.

Stassi joins Katie on her break. Katie tells her about the meeting with Lala. Stassi asks if Katie apologized, and Katie tells her of course not, but Scheana did. Stassi says that Scheana is desperate to be liked. She says it’s like one of the victims apologizing to Charles Manson. She gets on her phone and starts texting Scheana. I feel the earth move under Twitter with 144 words coming from all over about Stassi’s insensitivity toward murder victims. #WhatAnIdiot

Brittany must explain to Jax how to hang a curtain rod. He’d rather hire someone, and needs a drink afterward. They discuss Stassi’s podcast. She says she trusts Jax and Stassi, but it’s going to be weird, since they’ll be discussing personal stuff. In his interview, Jax says when he looks back on his relationship with Stassi, it reminds him of Misery. We flash back to some choice moments. He says he prefers to be cordial with her because it’s safer.

Scheana drops by. She quit drinking when Shay did, but needs one right now. She tells them about the meeting. She says that later on she got endless texts from Stassi, and then a passive-aggressive text from Katie at around midnight. She thinks they were on the tequila.

Katie and Schwartz talk with the wedding planner on the phone. Katie says something about keeping it under 50K, and Schwartz nearly falls out of his chair. He says their budget is like a cartoon snowball that just keeps getting bigger. Stassi sneaks into their apartment in the background. In her interview, Katie suggests that Schwartz investigate other, less expensive options if he doesn’t like what she’s doing. Good point.

Kristen arrives. The girls tell Kristen about the meeting. in her interview, Kristen says Ariana is pulling a Schwartz. Stassi says if someone is willing to sacrifice their best friends to be liked, how can she trust them?

Scheana talks to Jax about the meeting, saying she feels like she’s being ganged up on. In his interview, Jax says he feels like Gandhi, who foretold the future, and then tries to figure out who Gandhi is.

Lisa comes by SUR and asks how it’s going. Ariana tells her about the mediation and how she feels like everyone had their say, but later Scheana got a load of negative texts. Lisa thinks they should just stop the bullsh*t. She was hoping this would stop her from having to hear about it again, but no such luck.

Stassi sets up her podcast in a bar. Jax looks at her equipment and asks if they’re going to search for ghosts. He brings up the meeting, and tells Stassi that Scheana thinks it’s a mean girl thing. Stassi says that’s what she does when she’s caught or wrong, whine that she’s being bullied.

In his interview, Jax says that Stassi isn’t wrong when she says he used to be a d-bag, but if he hadn’t been, he wouldn’t be who he is today. Words fail me. Stassi starts the podcast, saying that 48% of men cheat because of emotional dissatisfaction. Jax talks about how most men cheat down, but he had gorgeous women when he cheated because he wanted to know he still “had it.” Stassi suggests he sounds like someone who doesn’t care about anyone else’s feelings. She asks if he’ll take a sociopath test, and although he feels like he’s being backed into a corner, he agrees. In her interview, Stassi says Jax shouldn’t worry about being a sociopath, and lists the psychiatric profile of everyone on the show, including herself.

Lisa asks if Scheana is okay to work. Scheana says she’s okay as long as she doesn’t talk about it. She tells Lisa about Katie’s text. Katie comes by, and Lisa asks why Scheana is in tears. Katie says she doesn’t want to have a conversation about it tonight, and Scheana says she doesn’t want to talk about it at Shay’s party. Harrison! In her interview, Lisa wonders why she’s paying them, when they should be paying her for therapy.

Brittany helps Scheana set up for Shay’s party. She’s never been to a surprise party before, and Scheana says she’s never planned one before. Some of the other girls arrive. Tom is volunteered as bartender, even though he’s not there yet. Kristen creates a margarita baby pool and frets that people might not want to drink from it. Stassi says those aren’t their kind of friends then. Stassi talks to Kristen and Katie about Scheana, who she believes is getting worse.

The rest of the crew shows up. Schwartz has fetched the guests of honor, saying he was chosen for the role since he keeps his mouth shut. In his interview, Tom explains that both guys knew they were going to a surprise party, so technically it wasn’t one.

The party is in full swing, with guests drinking, playing in the pool, drinking, gossiping, drinking, and comparing abs, and drinking. Jax tells Tom and Schwartz that Scheana feels like it’s three against one again, and Schwartz says it’s like The Godfather where Scheana has to be concerned about her standing in the family. Kristen confronts Scheana, who is worried about her status as a bridesmaid, and about the coflicting trip to Montauk to maintain her friendship with Stassi.

Ariana asks Scheana if she thinks they’re going to work things out. Tom tells her that they can’t change the tickets for Ariana’s NASCAR post-birthday trip, so if things don’t work out for her, she doesn’t have the option of coming with them. Scheana is going to have a heart attack by the end of this episode. She seems like a nice girl, but she’s worse than James Wilson in 1776, seconding his own motion in his zeal to be liked. Not everyone is going to like you, and you can’t always have it both ways.

Schwartz talks to Shay on the side, asking him how it is being married. He tells Shay about the wedding budget issue and how he wanted to keep it under 15K. Shay just laughs. We flash back to the expense. Shay says he felt the same way, and they both think elopement equals a down payment on a house. Like this bunch doesn’t make more money in one year than I’ll make in a lifetime.

Brittany talks to Stassi, saying she doesn’t know what a sociopath is, but Jax failed the test miserably. They talk about forgiveness. Stassi says she wishes she could rise above things like Brittany does, but she needs to know if she can trust someone.

Stassi talks to Scheana, telling her that she should stand up for something. Scheana says she is – herself. Stassi says she’s not getting it because she hasn’t been hurt by Lala. Scheana calls Ariana over because she can’t fend for herself in a conflict. Ariana says she’s friends with both Lala and the other girls. Stassi says Ariana doesn’t grasp that Lala has done evil things to people. Stassi doesn’t understand how she can be friends with someone like that. Ariana says Stassi is so emotional, it’s difficult to talk to her, and asks why she’s so heated. Stassi goes into the house crying. She tells Katie that Ariana and Scheana suck. She explains what happened with Scheana dragging Ariana into their discussion.

Scheana joins them and wants to talk about it. Stassi says she pulled someone else into their conversation. Scheana says they all have the same opinion. Stassi tells her to stop being an a-hole. She says that it’s not about Lala, it’s about her, and her not caring that Lala has done terrible things to her friends. Schaena tells Katie that she seems like Tequila Katie again. In her interview, Scheana says that Schwartz has been saying the same thing. and she’s being accused of something that didn’t happen because they’re drunk and emotional. We flash back to some tense moments between Katie and Schwartz.

Katie says she can read Scheana like a book and she’s totally fake. Scheana goes back outside and tells Ariana what happened. In her interview, Scheana says that she never thought she was better than her friends, but she does now. Katie says she’s over it.

Next time, Scheana wonders if she’s going to be disinvited, Stassi says Scheana is exhibiting the opposite of bridesmaid behavior, and James approaches Lisa about coming back. As if.

⛷ Just a note about Timber Creek Lodge. When Jamie told someone “thanks for sharing” at a staff meeting, had I been an employee, I might have had to quit right then and there.