Monthly Archives: May 2016

May 2, 2016 — GH, the Charming South & Dallas Wives

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What I Watched Today
(rambling, random thoughts & recaps from today’s real time TV watching)

General Hospital

Hayden is approached by Federal agents in the parking garage. She says she thought they were done with questioning, but one of the agents says they have a few more.

Griff is at the bar. Mac says they didn’t get much of a chance to talk at the party, and asks Griff to tell him about himself. What is this dude hiding?

Alexis says Hale’s statement jives with the other accounts and tells someone to keep digging for dirt on him. Hale walks into the bar — not the start of a joke — and orders a double.

Anna thanks Andre, who says she’s the opposite of a flight risk. She’s too stubborn not to follow through. Jordan comes in and Anna says she was thanking Andre for what he did. In a snarky tone, Jordan says she knows everything that Andre has done for Anna.

Sam tells Julian she’s been avoiding the conversation, and asks him point blank if he had anything to do with Sonny’s shooting.

Carrrlos says if Michael breaks him out, he’ll tell him where Sabrrrina is. Jason interrupts. Carrrlos tells Jason to beat it, but Jason says it’s important he talk to Michael. Michael leaves with him and asks who sent him. Jason says he’s on his own because he’s worried about Michael. He says Carrrlos wants to use Michael and Michael says maybe it’s the other way around. Jason says the only way to engage with Carrrlos is to walk away.

Julian says he had nothing to do with the shooting. Sam says Alexis is defending a man she knows is guilty and she’s doing it because of Julian. She doesn’t think it’s fair.

Alexis asks to talk to Hale. She introduces herself and says she wants to talk to him about his testimony. Hale says he knows his rights and doesn’t want to talk to her.

Griff says there’s nothing to know, but Mac says Griff saved Tracy’s life. Mac says Griff has given his father a great legacy.

Jordan says she’s glad Anna isn’t behind bars anymore. Anna says they just need to get Carrrlos to flip on Julian. Jordan tells her about Hale. Anna thinks it’s just what they need and wants to talk to Scotty. Exit Anna.

Andre says he and Jordan have both had productive days and more than earned their date. Jordan says they should forget about the date. Sigh. What is wrong with her?

Hayden says she told them everything she knows. The agent asks if she has nothing to hide, why did she change her name? She says she was guilty in the court of public opinion and wanted a life. The agent asks why she hid the truth from her husband. With perfect timing, Nicholas shows up and wants to talk to them about his wife.

The agent says Nicholas is interfering with their questioning. Nicholas is like, in a parking garage? He says she’s a witness, not a suspect, and they’ve been questioning her for nearly 24 hours. He asks if she’s under arrest and the agent says no, but they have the right to question her. Nicholas says if they want to talk to her further, the agents can contact their attorney, Alexis Davis.

Hale tells Alexis to leave him alone. She says he doesn’t have to talk to her now, but he’s going to have to when she deposes him. She says the media is going to be swarming too, and asks if he’s ready for that. She says maybe they could talk one on one first. She just wants to know what he saw and heard the night Duke was shot.

Griff changes the subject, asking Mac about Maxie’s upcoming wedding. Mac tells him about Maxie’s first marriage and that even though it was a bust, she got Georgie.

Andre tells Jordan that if something is up at the station, they can go out later. Jordan says that’s not it and that hugging in a courtroom isn’t professional behavior. She talks about Andre’s kudos of Anna on the stand. Andre asks if she disagrees. He says if she’s reading too much into it, maybe she should see a psychiatrist.

Sam tells Julian about the deal Carrrlos was offered. Julian says he and Alexis talked about it and she’s at peace with her decision. Sam says she thinks it’s the opposite. Julian asks her if she hasn’t shown the same loyalty to Jason, but she says Jason would never ask her to do something that went against her principles.

Michael tells Jason that Carrrlos knows where Sabrrrina is. Jason says if he’s lying, where does that leave Michael?

Nicholas tells Hayden to get in the car. She asks what just happened. He says he was on his way to his car and saw the interrogation. She says welcome to her world, but wonders why he would come to her rescue. He says he’s a prince and that’s what they do. Hayden is like, nice try. Nicholas says he wanted to derail the questioning before the agents got to his personal finances.

Julian asks Sam to drop it. She says she’s disappointed because she believes Alexis’s happiness depended on him. He says they’re happy with each other and he has a family now because of her. He says he has a child to raise and Alexis wants to make sure he can do that. It’s Leo’s birthday and Sam tells him to give the baby a kiss. Julian says she’s his daughter and he loves her, and asks what’s up with her and Jason. She says she and Jason are where they’re supposed to be, back together.

Michael says Sabrrrina did something stupid, but she’s alone with the baby and needs his help. Jason says Carrrlos is just using her as leverage. He tells Michael to go back and tell Carrrlos to go to hell.

Hale says he already made a statement. Alexis says she has a couple of questions and Hale says to ask them when she deposes him. He tells her for the last time to leave him alone and leaves the bar. Anna enters.

Jordan asks if that’s a professional diagnosis and Andre says it’s a comment on her behavior. She says he and Anna spend a lot of time together for just being friends. He says they are friends, but Jordan is the one he’s interested in. He says she’s projecting and she assumes he’s cheating on her because she cheated on her husband. Jordan smacks him across the face.

Hayden sarcastically tells Nicholas he’s always thinking of others. She says they should discuss their future, and that it’s time to cut their losses. She says for a minute, she thought they could make a life together, but it’s time to go their separate ways.

Anna tells Mac thanks for sending her a wonderful lawyer. She says it surprises her to say it, but Scotty did very well. Griff says he’s glad shes out. Anna says her too, because she couldn’t take another minute in there and it’s the anniversary of Duke’s death.

Alexis says the witness’s story checks out and it makes Sabrrrina’s statement admissible. She says she can’t advise Carrrlos not to take the deal because he’s going to be found guilty.

Michael tells Jason he knows what he’s doing. Jason tells him if he needs anything to let him know. Michael goes back into the interrogation room and Carrrlos asks if they have a deal.

At her apartment, Jordan is acting like a big baby, throwing things around. Andre shows up, saying they’re not done. There’s something he has to tell her and he’s not leaving until he says it. Jordan asks who he thinks he is. He tells her he shouldn’t have accused her of projecting, that he was analyzing her and that was out of line. He tells her that if he wanted to date Anna, he wouldn’t be asking Jordan out. He doesn’t pursue a woman unless he’s interested in her and he’s very interested in Jordan. She says prove it and he kisses her.

Nicholas says they’re in a cooling off period. Hayden says they should call it quits, adding she consulted a lawyer and the prenup is binding. Nicholas is like, oh, I get it now. He says she’s more concerned with what she knows than the money. Hayden says she’s not going to press charges. He says not now, but what about later when the money runs out.

Griff says Mac explained the intricacies of the extended Scorpio clan and how Anna and his father fit in. Anna tells him about how when she and Duke finally got their priorities straight, it was too late. Griff says he’s surprised he didn’t realize it was the anniversary of Duke’s death.

Anna reflects back on the night she was meeting Duke and what a beautiful night it was. Griff says he’s sorry and Anna says he and Duke would have got on famously because their outlook on life is the same. She says Griff can turn an ordinary day into something beautiful. She tells Griff about the deal Carrrlos is being offered and says it’s a compromise she’s willing to take. She says Julian hated Duke for decades and tried to destroy his life. When Duke was finally walking away, Julian ordered his death.

Alexis says she tried to talk to Hale at the bar, but it went badly. Julian says they go to plan B and destroy his credibility. She says she can’t win the case, and all the motivation in the world won’t counteract a credible witness. He says he knows she’s going to win. I don’t know where Julian’s optimism is coming from, but if Hale shows up dead, won’t he be the first suspect?

Sam and Jason are in the park and discuss going on vacation. She suggests they go to the ocean. He says which one and she tells him he can pick. She says she has some bad memories of Hawaii though, and he suggests he listen to her pontificate, but she says she doesn’t want to talk about anything sad. Jason asks if Danny likes the beach and she tells him Danny loves the beach. She and Jason talk some more about vacationing and then they kiss. Someone is watching them. Franco? Or am I just supposed to think it’s Franco?

Sam hears a noise. Jason tells her to stay there and pretends he left his phone in the car. Jason finds Franco in the bushes. That answers that question.

Jordan and Andre get busy and there’s a song part. I take a quick power nap.

Nicholas tells Hayden she made her point and divorce is the way to go. He says they need to divide their assets. She says she doesn’t have any and he begs to differ. He takes out her makeup bag and there’s a pouch of diamonds in it.

Alexis tells Julian she has work to do. He says the case will be over before they know it. He kisses her and says how much she means to him. She leaves and Julian’s phone rings. It’s Hammer time! Julian asks if Hammer is telling him what he thinks he’s telling him. He hangs up and says it’s done.

Anna says when Julian is rotting in prison, she’ll feel that Duke has peace. Griff says what about her? He says she’s done everything she can for Duke, and does she know what she’s going to do now. She says she does.

Michael tells Carrrlos he’s out. He says Carrlos never had any intention of telling him where Sabrrrina is. Carrrlos says if Michael is too afraid of daddy, he’ll find another way.

Alexis finds Hale dead in the parking garage with a needle in his arm.

Tomorrow, Jason asks Franco what he wants, Nicholas says Hayden won’t get a dime of his money, and Alexis calls for help.

Southern Charm

Cameran starts us off by saying this is like a bad daytime soap that you keep turning back to. I tend to agree.

Oh no! Patricia’s sofa isn’t as fluffy as it should be after the Flamingo Party. Someone must have dared to sit on it.

Naomie’s parents have sold the house, so she and Craig have to move. Luckily, Naomie has a spare house. (Can you see the face I’m making?) Craig thinks Kathryn should have been invited to the party and thinks Whitney is the driving force behind her not being invited. He says Whitney has hated Kathryn ever since she got together with Thomas. He says Whitney is the only one she’s hooked up with who isn’t friends with her now, and thinks that there’s more to the story than a one-night stand, and that Whitney might have feelings for her. Hmm… Maybe he doth protest too much.

Whitney talks to his girlfriend Larissa who’s coming to visit. He thinks it’s time to make a commitment.

Kathryn meets Cooper for coffee, tea or whatever they drink in the South. He notes that she has a new Birkin bag. Am I the only one in the world not impressed by these purses? Cooper gives her the 411 on the Flamingo Party and how Patricia said he shouldn’t be seen with Kathryn in public. Cooper says again that he thinks Patricia sees herself in Kathryn and she upsets their world order.

Whitney and Patricia review the party. Whitney asks what Cooper pulled her aside for. She says he thought she was being cold. Whitney says he likes drama. Patricia says she hopes Cooper enjoyed the Flamingo Party because he’s never darkening her door again.

Kathryn tells Cooper about Jennifer calling her from the party. Cooper reminds Kathryn that Jennifer told her she didn’t sleep with Thomas, and she found out later that Jennifer did. Kathryn tells Cooper that Jennifer has been there for her. He asks if Jennifer is just telling her what she wants to hear and he wants her to know who her friends are.

Bailey comes to Shep’s place. She brings an easel. She’s paining a picture of him on a horse on the beach with his surfboard tucked under his arm. Although the only thing in front of her is Shep with his surfboard. Why?

Whitney and Landon go shopping. She wants to do something special for Shep’s birthday and has set up a roller skating party. Whitney asks about the guest list. She tells him Shep wants her to invite Kathryn, but she doesn’t want to. She says the downside is they can’t drink at the roller rink, but they can drink on the party bus on the way there. Whitney says she’s planning the party for her, not Shep, and we finally agree on something.

Shep says his neighborhood is off the beaten trail. He’s meeting Cameran at the neighborhood bar where he’s part owner. Cameran is wearing white jeans after Labor Day and says she’s living on the edge. Cameran has a new listing and she’s having him do the grunt work and advertising. She says she’ll split the commission with him if he brings her a buyer.

Shep tells Cameran that he really likes Bailey. Cameran says she’s ordained, so she could marry them. He says not everyone wants to get married, but she reminds him of a conversation he had with Craig about his perfect life with a wife and kids. He says there’s no timeline for a man, but Cameran says he’s going to be freaking by age forty and time’s a-wastin’.

Ugh! Thomas. He’s moving into his new house and once again I think all the wrong people have the money. He says in his heart he’ll always love Kathryn, but he gave it his all (cough!) and it didn’t work out. It didn’t work out because she expected a man, not a 14-year-old boy.

Kathryn is moving into her new house too. She says it’s the size of Thomas’s kitchen, but it’s a home whereas his is an empty house. She says she realizes that Thomas wasn’t the person she thought he was, and feels like she wasted two years. Well, at least she got a couple of kids out of it.

Craig is happy with his job. He’s running the construction of a hotel. He’d rather be involved with the bourbon company though.

Danni calls Kathryn and I cringe when she calls Kathryn “love bug.” Kathryn stops by Danni’s house. Danni says she misses her and has been thinking about her a lot. She asks why Kathryn hasn’t reached out to her. Kathryn says she knows Danni is friends with Cameran. Danni says people are scared to get too close to the situation and that they don’t know what’s a pressure cooker topic, since Kathryn has been volatile lately. Danni says she’s lovable and people want to see that side of her. Kathryn says it’s hard to open up. Danni thinks one on one, people would be receptive. Ooh! Danni has a Siberian Husky dog.

Landon (bleh) arrives at Thomas’s new house. She says his style is old-world masculine. She asks if he’ll be around this weekend, but he has the kids. She says they’re having a roller disco party for Shep’s birthday. He asks if she’s invited Kathryn. Landon asks why he cares and he says she’s the mother of his children and he likes her to be included. She says to be included you have to make friends with people. Thomas says Kathryn was hurt by a pic of the two of them and thought it was deliberate on Landon’s part. Landon says Kathryn is burn-down-your-house crazy.

She tells Thomas about her writing project and says she’s still working on her vision. She’s looking for investors and he tells her good luck. Ha-ha! I think it’s the first time I’ve liked him.

Kathryn calls Cameran. She asks if Cameran would like to go for coffee or lunch. Cameran says it’s commendable that she’s reaching out, but to be honest, Kathryn has been very volatile. In her interview, she says for the past two years she had a front row seat to the Kathryn and Thomas show and she wants to move to the nosebleed section. Kathryn says she wants to pursue friendships outside of Thomas. Cameran says she’s heard that they’re not together before and then they are. Cameran tells her she needs to focus on herself and her children. In her interview, Kathryn says she didn’t want them to wear matching pajamas, just go for coffee. And seriously, couldn’t Cameran spare an hour to be nice, especially when Kathryn is making an effort? I totally don’t get this fifth grade animosity toward Kathryn. All of them know what a loser Thomas is. He’s enough to drive anyone nuts. And every time this poor girl tries to be friendly, it gets thrown back in her face. She needs friends too, because friends tell you about things like birth control.

Idiot Landon gets her Xanadu costume on. She calls the roller rink and makes sure everything is in place. Shep says he’s never roller skated and used to make fun of people that did; now he’s turned into someone he despises. He wonders if Landon even knows him.

Craig puts on a really cool retro flower power shirt and purple pants. Go, Craig! Where does he find these clothes?

Shep is the first one at the meeting place. Landon picks up some disco cupcakes. Shep says he’s on time for his party and waiting in a polyester shirt with no booze. Landon arrives and tells Shep that tonight is all about him. He says but he’s never roller skated. He asks if Kathryn is coming and Landon tells him yes. He says he’s inclusive and has a soft spot for her, because when she’s not around Thomas, she’s not crazy and a lovely person. Told you. Thomas makes me crazy and I don’t even know him.

Everyone except Kathryn (who isn’t there) gets on the party bus. Landon is such an a-hole. She says she’s sorry Kathryn didn’t make the bus, but she’s totally lying.

The party bus arrives at the rink. Moron Landon has her skates on already and needs help to get off the bus. Shep asks if they can fill his roller skates with vodka and Cameran says Landon screwed the pooch on this one. Whatever that means.

There are childhood pictures of Shep everywhere which is probably the only thing about him in regard to this party. Craig is a roller skating master, and Shep wonders why he’s so good at embarrassing things. I stink at skating, so I understand Shep’s pain. He says Landon should know him better than this and won’t be planning next year’s party.

Cameran tells Craig about Kathryn’s call, but she says she’s not the one Kathryn needs to be calling. She says that Kathryn offended Patricia and Whitney, not her. Huh? Craig wonders what Kathryn did to Whitney. Cameran goes back to skating and Craig says he’s disappointed in her being the mean girl in the high school hallway.

Pizza and other food arrives. Bailey presents Shep with the painting. I can paint better, but he says it’s the best birthday gift ever. In her interview, Landon (who I dislike more every minute) makes nasty comments. I know I just made a snarky comment, but if this was my friend, I’d at least be polite for the show. Oh man, she is just so creepy for someone who is over the age of 14. Craig calls Kathryn and gets no answer.

Shep calls Kathryn. She says she didn’t know about the party until she got Craig’s voicemail. Shep says Landon didn’t send out formal invites, but Kathryn says that’s not true since Thomas got one and the rest of them were cc’d. Shep is pretty pissed because he told Landon he wanted Kathryn to be invited and apologizes to Kathryn. She says she knows it wasn’t his fault and tells him happy birthday.

Shep tells the others Kathryn never got an invite. Landon says Kathryn can make up whatever she wants, and we all know she’s lying through her teeth. She says Kathryn is lucky she was invited and if she doesn’t come who cares. Shep says he cares. Um…this was supposed to be his birthday party. Landon is even more selfish than Thomas is. For whatever reason, Landon says she’s angry and skates away.

Next time, Craig gives Naomie a ring, Landon makes an idiot of herself careerwise, and JD tells Craig he’s not in the position to lead the bourbon division.

The Real Housewives of Dallas

Yay! Another idiot! I am so disappointed with Leeanne. I had such high hopes.

Brandi has a couple of dogs and a bunny that’s amazingly cute. Brandi says her mother just dropped them all off one day and Bryan wants nothing to do with them. Just go to work, Bryan. Brandi says Stephanie has invited her and the kids on a trip to visit her folks in Oklahoma. Bryan whines that the bunny scratched him. Geez. Just get back to work, Bryan.

Leeanne goes to Heidi’s house. She says Heidi is someone you want to be friends with, which is enough to make me cross her off my list. She says Heidi is queen of the charity world. They’re doing an event for Paws Cause which is obviously an animal charity. Okay, Heidi does have a huge gorgeous dog, so maybe I’d be friends.

Leeanne asks Heidi to be honorary chair for a gig for women with AIDS. She says she just wants Heidi to sell tables and she’ll do the rest. Heidi agrees and they have more (more) champagne. Leeanne says the women don’t want a hand out, but a hand up.

Stephanie goes to Brandi’s house to pick up Brandi and the kids. Stephanie says it’s been a rough week and we flash back to Leeanne’s idiocy. They pack the kids into the car. Stephanie says this is not like a car commercial where the happy family goes on a trip. The kids are crying already and Brandi can’t get one of the dogs to come back inside. Stephanie says the car should come with a lifetime supply of Xanax. I think knowing Leeanne should come with that too.

Commercial break. Tour Group is coming back May 10. I thought that was a pretty interesting show. A group of embarrassing people on vacation, but you get to see some cool locations.

And BTW, AOL sucks. Why am I still with this dinosaur? Although I do like the pretty picture when you log on.

After about five minutes, the kids start with the “are we there yet?” stuff. Stephanie says the next time she buys a Mercedes, she’s making sure it comes with a nanny.

The Paws Cause event happens. Leeanne says pets are the reason she got involved with charity. She says she adopted a sick Pomeranian and when she was going to the vet, she met people who were involved with animal charities and she started getting involved. She redeems herself maybe a millimeter here.

Tiffany and Leeanne talk about the altercation with Brandi with Marie. Leeanne says it’s not about her or Brandi, but about behavior. Marie says they’re all invited to her cocktail party and wonders if this is going to be a problem.

Stephanie and Brandi arrive at Stephanie’s childhood home. Her parents seem sweet and Stephanie says she likes bringing the kids there so they can experience the important things in life. She says her family is refreshing rather than judgmental.

They make deviled eggs and of course Brandi has to point out they smell like farts. Some things never change.

The rest of Stephanie’s family arrives. It’s a pretty small town and Brandi has to explain what Uber is. Dinner is served and dad does the blessing. Stephanie grew up in the Pentecostal church, and wasn’t even allowed to dance growing up. She talks about Lola’s Tanning & Liquor, and how she went to the liquor store to tan as a kid.

Brandi says her family couldn’t have been more different. The family was pulled apart by her grandparent’s divorce. She says growing up, her mother made dinner, but she and her brothers ate in front of the TV.

Cary and Mark are done with surgery for the day. He asks her if she wants to go home and have “sexy time.” She’s taking Tiffany to yoga class. Mark asks when she’s taking him, but she says he gets private yoga at home. I go ♫ la-la-la! ♫

Tiffany hasn’t done yoga in a while, and says she’s never seen anything like Cary’s pretzel moves. She’s taking notes for her own sexy time.

Stephanie’s parents bring out all her scrapbook stuff — pictures and awards and yearbooks. She says growing up, she didn’t get everything she wanted, but she feels guilty now that she has more than she thinks she deserves. Brandi says it’s the simple things that bring you together and that are the most important.

Tiffany and Cary go to a juice bar after yoga. Tiffany says she was glad to go to the class, since she hadn’t found a place yet and it’s not like LA. Tiffany brings up Leeanne. She’s known her for years and says at first she couldn’t stand her, and that she puts up a lot of walls. Cary says she’s raised a lot of money, but she’s not a socialite like she claims. Tiffany says all those people love her and Cary says maybe so, but she’s not one of them. I think this might be a huge part of Leeanne’s problem. She’s totally insecure because she’s not one of the people she panders to.

Tiffany brings up Mad Hatter’s and that stupid hat. Tiffany says Cary is friends with Stephanie and Stephanie is friends with Brandi and it puts her in an awkward position. I can barely follow that. Cary says she’d like to be friends with Tiffany. Tiffany can’t wait for Marie’s cocktail party so she can let her hair down.

Brandi calls her grandfather, having been inspired by the family trip. He asks if she got the Easter package and she says yes and thanks him. She thanks him for being there for her mom and he says that’s what families are for. She asks him to come and visit. He says he’d love to.

Leeanne says once a month, they have a girls night out and take turns hosting. This month it’s Marie. Brandi and Stephanie have a kiki. Stephanie says she’s in a good space after seeing her family. Brandi is nervous to see Leeanne, since she’s been trying to get other people to not like Stephanie. That’s the part that really bugs me. If you don’t like someone, fine. If you want to talk about how you don’t like them, fine. But don’t do that you can’t be friends with me if you’re friends with her crap. Brandi says if someone has an issue with her, they should speak to her directly. Yep. Because we’re not in high school anymore. You know it never really goes away, right?

Tiffany tells Brandi she’s a real person and she wants to get to know her individually. She talks about the hat thing and Brandi just wants to get a drink. I understand this. Someone once stood between me and a buffet table when I was starving and wouldn’t stop asking me stupid questions about their camera when I was having trouble with my own camera. Leeanne makes snarky comments in her interview.

Cary talks to Leeanne and I get the feeling she’s rolling her eyes in her head a lot. Marie has invited one guy to girls night, Taylor. Leeanne is making barking noises (I’m not kidding) and he wonders why Marie is friends with her. Taylor chats with Brandi and Stephanie and gossips about Leeanne. He says you have to walk on eggshells around her. Leeanne talks to someone whose name I missed, telling her how much better she is than everyone else and how she knows they’re talking about her.

Taylor sings Brandi’s tune and tells them about Leeanne crapping her pants when she was really wasted. TMI. Brandi wonders if she has a spare turd in her purse.

Cary and Tiffany talk to Brandi and Stephanie outside. Brandi asks about the pants crapping incident and Tiffany asks who told her that. Brandi says that Leeanne is a bitch and should talk to her if she has anything to say. In her interview, Tiffany says the elephant in the room is so big, there’s no oxygen left. She wants them to air their grievances to each other’s faces.

Tiffany calls Leeanne over. She says things need to be said and people need to be heard. Brandi says she’s sorry she has no manners and asks if she should call Leeanne “Miss Leeanne.” Tiffany brings up something Leeanne said about Brandi and Leeanne says it wasn’t meant in a bad way and that she doesn’t have a malicious bone in her body. Brandi tells her she’s full of it and I concur.

Brandi says Leeanne doesn’t know who she is. She brings up what happened when she apologized about doing an impression of her. Leeanne says she appreciates that Brandi hasn’t lived half her life and is so much younger and ignorant . Leeanne throws her champagne glass on the ground and Brandi says she’s really classy. Leeanne acts like a brat, telling Stephanie that if she keeps defending a piece of trash like Brandi, her charity world is going to go down the drain. Brandi is like, I can’t believe what you called me. Leeanne stomps out and Stephanie starts crying. Brandi says Leeanne isn’t going to ruin Stephanie because of her. Stephanie says Leeanne is crazy.

To be continued.

Next time, Tiffany and Leeanne get into it, Brandi’s grandfather comes to visit, and Stephanie gets a two million dollar bracelet. Bite him again, bunny.

May 1, 2016 — Leaving the Underworld, Leaving for Mexico, Leaving in an RV & What About Jon Snow?

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What I Watched Today
(rambling, random thoughts & recaps from today’s real time TV watching)

Once Upon A Time

Regina says she’s trying to trust Zelena. Hades pops in and says he needs their help. He went to meet Zelena for their date and found a ransom note from Pan. He wants Belle’s unborn child returned to her. Hades says he’ll give Pan what he wants, but he wants Emma to help. He says it’s her fault they’re all there in the first place, so he’ll remove their names off the headstones if she helps him.

In the past, Emma goes to a restaurant and shows the employees an article about a baby who was found, trying to find out who was involved. They don’t have any information, so Emma sits down with some food. A stranger sits down with her and says she’s the baby, isn’t she? She says she sees someone who robbed some convenience stores in Phoenix and ran. Emma runs again, but her car won’t go anywhere because it has a boot on it. The stranger approaches her car.

Hades goes to the diner and Pan arrives, poof! in a cloud of red smoke. Zelena is with him, as well as Gold. Hades rips up the baby contract. Pan says they can have Zelena back, except for her heart. Zelena says there’s a protection spell on it. Pan thinks that’s no problem, but when he tries to take it, Emma blows him back wit ha bolt of magic.

Gold splits and Pan follows, poof! in a cloud of red smoke. I guess Zelena got the green smoke first. Hades tells Zelena he’d do anything for her. They kiss and Emma goes ♫ la-la-la ♫. Suddenly Hades heart is beating again. He realizes his punishment is over and he can leave. He tells Emma there will be a portal to Storybrooke at the graveyard but it will close at sunset. Emma says he needs to keep his end of the bargain, so they’ll all be going home.

The group gathers at the graveyard. Regina tells Hades to get on with it and he removes the names. Zelena says she told them love could change him, but Hook (of all people) doesn’t buy it. Regina takes Emma’s heart to give to Hook, but it doesn’t work. Hades says his soul must have left him when he died. Emma asks if no one has ever come back. Hades says there was a rumor about someone once.

The stranger, Cleo Fox, takes Emma to a hotel room and handcuffs her to the bed. She says she’ll be right back and while she’s in the bathroom, Emma slips the cuffs and goes through Cleo’s wallet. She sees a picture of a little girl. She’s about to leave and sees some kind of tracking site on the laptop. Cleo comes back and Emma is still there. Emma says she’ll go with her to Phoenix

Hades says that it’s rumored that Orpheus used ambrosia to bring Eurydice back to life. He creates an elevator. He says it goes to the field of ambrosia under the Underworld because you can’t go there in a puff of smoke (ha-ha!). He takes Emma’s heart and gives it to her in a bag for safekeeping. She says if she’s not back by sunset, everyone is to leave without her.

Gold kisses the sleeping Belle. Nothing happens. Pan says despite Gold’s abandoning him, he accepts Gold for who he is even if Belle doesn’t. Gold says he’s only concerned with getting Belle home so her father can wake her. Pan says he didn’t get the heart he was promised. He says he’ll give Gold a Pandora’s Box he can take Belle home in, but he wants that heart first.

Henry is impatient. Regina says they’ll go as soon as Emma gets back. Henry asks about Operation Firebird and how they were supposed to help the others who are there. Hades says once they’re gone, the Underworld will turn into what it was supposed to be, but Henry says the people with unfinished business don’t even know what the unfinished business is.

Robin shows up with Zelena’s baby. He’s afraid they’re going to be tricked. Regina tells him to give the baby to Zelena so they can wait for the portal to open. He’s reluctant, but hands the baby over. Zelena leaves with the baby.

Robin says he needs a moment and leaves the room. Gold is there and says he won’t remember any of this and takes his heart.

Hook and Emma take the elevator down.

Emma and Cleo are at the town records department. A clerk gives Emma a file, but there’s only the same article she had in it. Emma thinks that there should be more information. Cleo wants to get going. She tells Emma she kept her word, and now Emma should keep hers. She says it’s Arizona, not hell. Although I have a friend who lives in Phoenix who might beg to differ. She starts whining about the heat in April.

Henry is giving out reference sheets with each person’s unfinished business. Cruella comes by and Regina says she doesn’t think Cruella will go to a happy place once her business is done. Cruella says she doesn’t want to leave. She wants to be the next ruler when Hades goes. David tells her there won’t be any people there to rule because the unfinished business will be done. She says they’re all staying there, because it’s Henry’s fault that she wasn’t brought back to life. Regina says Cruella doesn’t have the magic to keep them there. The blind witch from Hansel and Gretel comes out of the crowd and says she does. She blows them into the nearest building and locks them in. Regina tries throwing a fireball at the door, but it doesn’t work. Cruella says they’ll be released after sunset.

Hook and Emma come to a scale that says only those with true hearts can pass through. Emma says she’ll have to weigh her heart to see if her love for him is true. Hook asks why she can only admit how she feels when one of them is facing certain death? Emma puts her heart on the scale. Nothing happens, but then Emma collapses. She tells Hook to get her heart, but he’s suddenly on fire. Emma struggles to her feet and grabs him. Ding-ding-ding! We have a winner.

Emma sneaks out of the hotel room and back to the hall where the records are kept. Cleo stops her. She asks Emma what good would it be to find out about her parents now and that she should move forward. As they’re leaving, the police arrive. Cleo kicks out a window and they jump out.

Emma and hook go under the Underworld, but there’s only a tree stump and the ambrosia are dead. Hook says he knew they couldn’t trust Hades and that Hades didn’t want them going back.

Regina says that the blind witch’s spells are always half-baked and it must be Hades that wants them to stay. Hades and Zelena are at the portal. Zelena doesn’t want to leave without Regina, but Hades says they have to go for the baby’s sake, and they step through.

Pan tells Gold they’re running out of time. Gold tells him to have patience.

Emma is trying to find a scrap of ambrosia. The earth starts to shake and Hook says they’ll find a way out, but they have to go.

Cleo collapses bleeding. The glass from the window has cut her. She tells Emma to leave. Emma says she has to live for her daughter. Cleo says her daughter doesn’t know who she is and she took the picture without her knowledge. The cops pull up and Emma jets.

Hook says he’s not going to leave with Emma. She says she’s not going back without him and he says she has no choice. He says they both know they had more time than they were meant to. Emma doesn’t want to say good-by. Hook says don’t. Emma tells him not to make her his unfinished business. Emma goes into the elevator and they kiss through the gate, proclaiming their love.

Emma goes into a dress shop and shows a clerk the picture from Cleo’s wallet, saying she knew her birth mother, Cleo Fox. She thought Tasha would want to know where she came from. Tasha asks if her mother is looking for her, but Emma has to tell her that Cleo is dead. She sees a jacket exactly like Cleo’s and buys it. She says it might work.

In the underworld, Emma goes back up to the others. She says she’ll explain later what happened with Hook. Regina tells her that they can’t leave. Emma says the ambrosia wasn’t there and Hook wanted to make sure they got out even if he couldn’t. Regina says let’s give him his wish.

Regina and Emma blast the door open together. Henry leaves the folder of unfinished business instructions.

Pan tells Gold they don’t want to miss their ticket home. Gold gives him the heart, but something is wrong. Gold says he knew Pan and his shadow would be watching, so when they weren’t looking he gave Robin back his heart and replaced it with a heart filled with water from the River of Souls. He’s going to make sure Pan never gets his happy ending. Pan disappears, poof! in a cloud of white and green smoke. Gold tells him, “Good by, poppa, for good this time.”

Gold puts Belle in the box and heads for the portal, and steps through. The others are right behind him, but it’s closing. They go through, but Emma looks back, saying she got the jacket for protection. The ground starts to shake and she and David go through. Boy, is Hades going to be surprised.

Next time, Hades is in Storybrooke, Regina says they’ll do what they have to in order to protect the town, and someone dies, breaking the heart of Storybrooke forever. I’m wondering if it’s Henry.

Fear the Walking Dead

That was a bit of a depressing fairy tale, so yay! zombies!

Nick washes up on shore, nakey, carrying his clothing. A helicopter flies over heard. He pulls his clothing on and enters into a tent city where the words save us are in front on the ground. It looks deserted. We see our first zombie of the evening. Nick makes noise, trying to see if anyone is alive and distracts the zombie. He goes into a tent and zips it up. The zombie can see him but not get in. He stabs it in the head and drags it into the tent. Question mark over my head.

Oh, wait, I see what he’s doing. He guts the zombie and puts the mess all over himself.

Travis is complaining about Victor to Madison. She asks him what he’s going to do. Travis suggests throwing Victor in the ocean. but Madison says they need him. Travis says they’ll survive without him and she says she wants to do more than survive. Travis feels responsible for the people in the life raft.

Chris and Ofelia can’t sleep. Chris asks if she’s ever been to Mexico and she says no. They talk about relationships. Chris says he had a girlfriend, but they lost touch when his family moved. Ofelia tells him there are still girls on the planet and he says that’s what he’s banking on.

Another life raft comes by with two men and a pregnant woman who is in distress. Chris asks Ofelia if he should shoot them. (What?) They get on the boat before anyone can do anything. Everyone is awake now. The guy says they lost their engine and have been drifting for days. Victor gets his gun.

Madison takes the woman to her room. Alicia goes up to the deck. She recognizes one of the guys as Jack. The three take over the boat. Other guy, Reed, tells Chris if he has to ask if he should shoot, somebody should be dead. He tells Alicia to tie up Daniel and says to look for Nick. Victor leaves in a lifeboat and Reed shoots at him, saying if he didn’t get him the hypothermia will.

Back in the day, Victor is at a bar watching the news about Hurricane Katrina and talking to another patron, Thomas, about their families. He’s says he’s there to buy real estate since it will be low. Victor says he bought before the storm. Thomas says he’s an opportunist and Victor says maybe he’s optimistic. Thomas says he’s a parasite, but thanks.

Victor gets a drunk Thomas back to his hotel room, getting him a water and taking off his jacket. Thomas passes out and Victor goes through his wallet. Thomas comes to for a second and says maybe he won’t remember. Victor takes stuff from the wallet.

Out at sea, Victor is trying to get it together.

Reed asks who has the key to the boat. Ofelia tells him he shot the captain. Reed holds a gun to Chris’s head and says they have until five to tell him where the key is. Travis says Victor has the keys, but he can start the boat without them. Man, so I want to smack Reed around.

Pregnant woman comes out with Madison. Daniel tells her what happened with Victor. Reed tells Travis to come start the boat and for Jack to take Alicia. Madison objects, but Alicia says it’s her fault. Alicia calls Jack out about deceiving her. He promises she’ll be safe and says their leader,Connor, listens to him.

Nick is strolling around covered in zombie guts. It must really stink. He goes into a town and tests out his disguise. Works fine.

In the past, Victor is chilling in his hotel room and there’s a knock at the door. It’s Thomas and his friend, Luis. Thomas asks where all the money went, since it obviously wasn’t on wardrobe. Victor says he purchased credit card debt, which is how he started before. Thomas thinks he can do better. Victor says if he wants a return on his investment, he’ll get it with interest. Thomas tells him to meet him downstairs at the bar. Victor says thanks for the pardon, but Thomas says he didn’t pardon him, he obligated him.

Back in the water, Victor struggles to stay afloat and loses his phone.

Travis works on getting the boat running while Reed acts like a pita. Travis tells him it’s computerized and he’ll have to override it from the engine room.

Madison wonders where Nick is. She says there’s only three of them and asks Daniel if he can get loose. He tells her to distract the woman. Reed goes by with Travis, who says he’ll have them going in an hour. Reed says they only have 30 minutes. Madison starts to talk to the woman about her pregnancy.

In the engine room, Reed tells Travis to walk him through it. He says when Connor shows up, he’d better have it running.

Jack calls Connor who says he can’t wait to meet Alicia. Alicia asks Jack if anything he said was true. He says versions of it. She asks about his girlfriend. He says when his brother died, Connor saved him. She asks how many people came before her and how many are alive. Jack says he’s sorry and he doesn’t enjoy any of this, which doesn’t answer the question. Alicia says Victor is no better than Reed and maybe they found each other for a reason. He asks her to come back with him and she says not without her family. He says Connor doesn’t take just anyone. She says she’ll come back with him if he protects her family and she knows they’re safe. He cuts her bonds. She hugs him.

Nick is still wandering around covered in gore. He knocks on a door and a guy comes up behind him with a gun. Nick says don’t shoot.

The guy is Thomas’s friend, Luis. Nick explains he had boat trouble and asks Luis what this place was. He says it was going to be a gated community. but it never got finished. He tells Nick he’s headed to Mexico and tells him to wash up before he gets in the car.

Madison asks when the last time was the baby moved. She says she lost a baby between Nick and Alicia. Pregnant Girl says she’s healthy and Madison says if the baby died she might have turned. Yikes! Pregnant Girl says don’t tempt her to shoot and toss her overboard. Travis and Reed come in. Madion says what if the baby is born dead and Pregnant Girl hits her. Reed tells her Connor might need Madison, so knock it off.

Nick tries to talk Luis into taking everyone, but he says he has transit and money (are people still using that?) for two, that’s what Vincent and he had planned for. He tells Nick that his mother worked for Thomas and is already at the house.

At Thomas’s place, he and Victor are chillaxin’ by the pool. Victor wants to talk business, but Thomas is like, not now. Victor says it will be hard to get back to reality but if they don’t move on the parcel of land, someone else will. Thomas says why bother? He says his place and his money are enough. He says his place makes him feel like the rest of the world doesn’t exist.

Reed tells Travis that his timing is great and Connor wants to meet him. Connor and some others board the boat. Connor says he wants Travis and Madison to come with him and they’ll get the others to shore. They put hoods over Travis and Alicia’s heads and leave.

Reed says Connor has leadership skills, but is lacking in other areas. Nick is out in a small boat with the Luis and sees that there are people on the boat with guns. Luis shoots one of them. Daniel gets loose and Chris stabs Reed. Nick and Luis board the boat. Madison explains what happened to Victor and says he has to find Travis and Alicia. Luis says without Victor, they can’t get into Mexico.

In the past, Victor tells Thomas he’ll close quick and be right back. Oooh, they have a romantic relationship. I kinda thought so at the pool.

Victor is floating in the water and sees Madison coming in a lifeboat. She pulls him in.

Next time, Connor comes looking for Reed, Luis says there’s no getting Travis back, and Victor says he’ll get them to Mexico.

Shahs of Sunset

Asa gives GG some homemade spicy sauce. She says it’s the glue that holds them all together. She asks what’s going on with GG. GG says she and MJ can’t seem to get along anymore. She tells Asa about their last meeting which did not go well. Asa says they have to remember why they love each other. GG says they should go on a camping trip. She says it’s her absolute favorite thing to do, which I never would have guessed.

They call Reza and tell him they want to go camping. He says he’s excited, which I also wouldn’t have guessed. Asa is hoping GG has an epiphany on the trip.

MJ is revamping her real estate career. She and Tommy are getting new business cards for her. MJ wants to make a load of money so they can start a family. She wants to be the Condo Queen of WeHo and Tommy suggests incorporating that on the card and tells her she should put a crown on it. The clerk suggests just putting “Condo Queen” on the card.

MJ tells Tommy how she messed up at Shabbat, telling about Reza’s surprise wedding plans and now Reza is mad at her. She says she thinks a surprise wedding is a lousy idea, but she’ll be supportive if he goes through with it.

Mike and Jessica still aren’t divorced yet. Jessica says she got her phone bill and it’s over $500. She’s never paid her own phone bill before. Then she talks about buying a tea set for 5 grand. Mike says no matter how hard he works, he can’t get ahead of the spending. They sit down to eat and Jessica tells Mike to get off the phone and that he has a problem. She says she doesn’t ask much and Mike says she asks for a lot. He says he’s texting someone about his business and she’s giving him attitude. She calls him a drama queen. Really? He said it in a normal tone of voice. She’s a whackjob.

Asa is working with her assistant on her caftan business. She says her next step is being a defined brand and they need to create a lookbook for retailers. Her mother is a nurse who wants to semi-retire and work for her. She says working with your family isn’t the easiest thing.

Asa’s father says they just got their 2000th order. Asa says they’ve been through a lot together as a family and are totally bonded. She wants to make sure her parents’ lives are amazing. They all have champagne.

MJ and Tommy take Vida to drag bingo. MJ is co-hosting and using it as a vehicle for her business. Jessica has to explain how to play bingo to Asa, who is in love with the pens. MJ is introduced. Asa thinks the game is stressful. Vida thinks she won, but didn’t and a false bingo gets a spanking. MJ lets Vida spank her instead.

Reza meets Mike for drinks. He’s thrilled that their friendship is back on track. He asks Mike how his married sex life is. Mike thinks his grandparents have more sex. Reza says Mike’s “dool” has ADD and if it doesn’t get a lot of action, it goes out looking for trouble like a kid. Mike says that women are more interested in him now that he’s married. Reza doesn’t think he should be out clubbing with his single friends.

Reza says GG needs help and tells Mike about the camping trip. They toast to camping and fixing sh*t.

Reza goes to an Army Navy store. He says he wants protection from a crazy friend when they go camping. He says little does GG know that around the fun there’s going to be a GGvention. He thinks about getting a megaphone. Asa meets him there and says a megaphone in the hands of the wrong person would be a bad idea. Reza says he has a bugging people gene. The two of them crack up the clerks.

MJ meets Shervin for coffee. She asks him about the camping trip. Shervin says they’re taking an RV to get to the site. He tells her about the GGvention and MJ says she doesn’t think GG wants help. MJ says if there’s any way of getting the old GG back, she’ll do anything, but suggests they pick a campsite near an emergency room just in case.

Asa is doing a photo shoot for her caftan line at the beach. It’s a beautiful place and the caftans are gorgeous. She wants to get the brand down to five or six pictures. They’re spending 20 to 25 grand and Asa keeps telling her mother to stop distracting the models. After the shoot, Asa takes pictures of her parents. She says they took the greatest risk of their lives leaving Iran and she wants them to “fly” with her.

Let the camping commence! GG says this group isn’t camping material and she thinks Asa might have the most issues because she wants to wear her caftans. Reza checks out the RV, which he says is the Griswald’s vacation RV from 1979. He finds hair and an old rubberband in the shower and even I’m grossed out.

Shervin says GG can barely walk across the street and she’s going to drive. Mike looks pretty nervous. Asa says at every turn and every brake, everything goes flying. Reza decides to start some pranks by covering the toilet with something that looks like…never mind. It smells all the way up to GG and she nearly drives off the road. They pull over and Reza cleans up the mess. It still stinks though. They realize they’re in front of a government building and Reza says it’s not a good look for them to be running from the vehicle. They get back on the road.

MJ sits in the front. GG says it’s uncomfortable, but if you love someone, you don’t want that smell going up their nostrils. The others play cards. Mike says he’s glad to decompress and get away from what’s going on at home.

They get to the campground. They set up the tents. A lot of jokes are made about Mike and GG. Mike has everyone gather in a circle. They hold hands and Mike says he hopes they come back together as a group. He just celebrated Rosh Hashana and hopes it’s a great new year for all of them. They light the fire. Mike says maybe the trip won’t just fix GG, but fix all of them.

Next time, the Shahs go ziplining, MJ might be pregnant, and the GGvention happens.

Game of Thrones

The Three-Eyed Raven guides Bran (remember him? he’s a lot bigger now) through a vision of days long before his accident. He sees Hodor as a young man before he only said “Hodor!” The Three-Eyed Raven says it’s time to go. Bran tells him that he finally showed Bran something he cared about and then dragged him away. The Raven says it’s beautiful under the sea too, but it can drown you.

Bran tells Hodor he saw him as a boy and wonders what happened.

Bran tells Meera that it’s not safe to be outside the cave. Bran says the Raven saw there’s a war coming and she asks if they’re going to fight it in the cave. Hodor takes Bran back in. A tree fairy tells Meera that Bran needs her.

At Castle Black, Aliser tells Davos to open the door and let the soldiers in. He won’t and they break down the door. Davos and the others have their swords drawn. Attention is diverted though, when a giant breaks down the door at the wall and busts in with a load of Wildings. He’s pretty freaking big, so they give up really fast. Aliser calls Edd a traitor and Edd says the only traitors are the ones who killed Jon Snow. Edd has them put into cells where they belong.

Tormund and Edd see Jon’s body. Edd says he’ll have his men make a funeral pyre.

The news of Cersei’s walk of shame is being told among the peasants. A stand-up comic is saying that she was only used to her brother’s junk and thought he was the bomb. Yeah, right. Has he seen Jaime? Afterward, he gets his head smashed in by The Mountain.

Cersei comes out, but the soldiers won’t let her go. The king has commanded she stay in the Red Keep for her safety. She wants to go to Myrcella’s funeral, but the Tommen has left the Keep, so she can’t even talk to him.

Tommen and Jaime hold vigil by Myrcella’s body. Jaime asks why Tommen wouldn’t let Cercei come. Tommen says she’s not allowed in a sept. Jaime says everything Cersei did, she did for him. Tommen is embarrassed that he did nothing for Margaery or Cersei to protect them.

High Sparrow Jonathan Pryce comes in and tells him that they’re still waiting for Margaery to confess. Jaime tells Tommen to go see his mother. He tells the High Sparrow that he’s a brave man and the Sparrow says he fears a lot of things. Jaime says he humiliated his sister. Sparrow says she’s paying for her sins and Jaime asks what atonement he deserves.

Jaime takes out his sword and the High Sparrow asks if he’d spill blood in a holy place. Jaime says the gods have spilt more blood than anyone. The High Sparrow crew comes out and Jaime says they should be closer if they want to save him. The High Sparrow says each on his own is powerless but together they can throw over an empire. He leaves and Jaime ponders that.

Cersei looks out from the Red Keep. Tommen comes in. She asks what gown Myrcella is in. Tommen says he’s sorry for keeping her away, but he didn’t want to lose her again. He says he knows he should have come sooner and was wrong not to. He says he should have executed all of them and that she would have for him. He says he’s not strong, but he wants to be, and asks her to help him.

Grey Worm tells Tyrion they couldn’t find who burned the ships. Varys says they can’t overpower all of them. Tyrion asks about the dragons, and Missandei tells him they’ve refused to eat since Dany left. Tyrion says they must be unchained or they’ll waste away as they don’t do well in captivity. He asks if they’ve ever harmed Misandei and she says no. Tyrion says dragons are good to their friends and it’s time they had their supper.

He goes with Varys to where the dragons are chained. I have heart attacks over these dragons. I’m always worried something is going to happen to them. The dragons snarl at Tyrion who seems more fascinated than afraid. He tells them he’s a friend of their mother’s and is there to help and please don’t eat the help. He tells them a story about how he wanted a dragon as a boy. He says when his father told him the last dragon had died over a century ago, he cried himself to sleep, but here they are. He removes their chains. Poor things. Tyrion leaves and tells Varys next time he has an idea like that to punch him in the face. I love Tyrion.

The Waif starts beating on Arya again, asking what her name is. When Arya says “no one,” the Waif says she doesn’t believe it and neither does anyone else. The Waif disappears and Arya is fighting alone. Jaqen asks her name and she says she has no name. He says if the girl says her name, she’ll get fed and get her eyes back. Arya repeats that she has no name.

Jaqen tells her to leave her begging bowl as she’s no longer a begger.

Ramsay has to tell Roose about the guys getting killed who went after Sansa. He says with a small force they could take over Castle Black and murder Jon Snow. A little late for that. He says it’s time for new blood in The North. Roose says if you acquire a reputation as a mad dog you’ll be treated like one.

A page comes in to announce the birth of Roose’s son. Ramsay congratulates him and says he looks forward to meeting his new brother. Roose says Ramsay will always be his first born. Ramsay thanks Roose and then stabs him. I did not see that coming. I’m assuming baby brother isn’t far behind. He tells the page to send ravens telling everyone Roose is dead and was poisoned by his enemies. He tells him to send for Lady Walda and the baby.

Ramsay asks to hold the baby. Lady Walda asks if Ramsay has seen Lord Bolton. Ramsay tells her to follow him. No doubt to certain death. She asks where Ramsay’s father is. He says he’s Lord Bolton now. Walda tells him she’ll leave and go back to the riverland. She says the baby is his brother and he says he prefers being an only child and lets his crazy ass dogs loose on her.

Brienne tells Sansa about seeing Arya. She says she looked good, but wasn’t exactly dressed like a lady. She asks Sansa what happened at Winterfell. Sansa says she should have gone with Brienne when she had the chance, but Brienne says it was a difficult choice and they’ve all had to make them.

Theon tells Sansa they should be moving. Sansa says once they get to Castle Black, they’ll be safe. Theon says Jon will kill him and there’s no way to make amends for what he’s done to her family. She says she’ll make sure he’s safe and he tells her he would have died to get her to The Wall. He asks to take one of the horses and she asks where he’s going. He says home.

Balon is arguing with Yara on how to run things. She says they can defeat anyone at sea, but not so much on shore. Balon says they shouldn’t be sending their men on fool’s missions, but she says she’s not apologizing for trying to rescue Theon. He tells her to shut up and follow his orders, or he’ll find another heir who will.

He goes out on some rickety bridge in the wind. Someone is there and he tells them to move aside for their king. The figure says hasn’t he always for his brother? Balon supposed he was dead, but his brother says dead men never die and that he is the Drowned God. Balon tries to get across and his brother tells him he’s had his time, now let someone else rule. Balon reminds him of a storm that he freaked out during and asks what kind of Ironborn loses his mind during a storm. Balon gets tossed of the bridge. Bye, old dude.

No surprise, burial at sea. Yara says she’ll kill whoever did this. Another old dude tells her that perhaps she’ll be the first woman to rule the Ironborn, but perhaps not.

Davos visits the Red Woman. He says he’s there about the Lord Commander. She says the former Lord Commander and Davos asks if he has to be. He asks if she knows of any magic to bring him back, but she says to leave it alone. She says she met a man who came back from the dead and it wasn’t good. She says the great victory she saw in the flames and everything she believed was a lie. She says Davos was right. Davos says he was never a devout man and he’s not asking the Lord of Light for help, he’s asking her.

Will the fans get what they wanted?

The Red Woman bathes Jon’s body. She clips a lock of his hair while saying some magic words. Then she starts trimming his beard. She anoints his head. Is this a spell or a beauty salon? She lays hands on Jon, speaking some more. We all wait with bated breath.

Oh well, she tried.

Everyone leaves except Davos and Ghost. Davos leaves and Ghost stirs.

Jon opens his eyes and gasps.

Whoa.

Did you know they have a “Wolf Unit?” It’s in the credits.

Next time, Arya becomes no one, Jon is looked upon as a god, and Cersei is after blood.