What I Watched Today

(rambling, random thoughts & annoyingly detailed recaps from real time TV watching)

General Hospital

Tracy sees Brook walk into the hospital and asks why Brook hasn’t been returning her phone calls. Brook tells Tracy that she has nothing to say to a family member who blackmailed her and caused her to lose her job.

At Maxie’s new place, James asks what Felicia is doing, and she says she’s doing her homework. He asks if she isn’t too old to be in school, and Mac asks who told him that? A person is never too old to learn. Life is like one big, long journey, and there’s always something you can pick up along the way. James says, like when Cody taught him to knots? He shows Mac his slipknot, and Mac says, he did this? And Cody taught him how to do it? James says, when he was at Kelly’s with Oma, and Felicia says, that Cody, always full of surprises.

Cody says, if they turn themselves in or get caught, Sasha could wind up in Ferncliff. They can just avoid all that. They can just vanish. She asks how that would actually work.

Gregory approaches the reception desk, and Elizabeth asks if everything is okay. He says, nothing to worry about. He was hoping to catch Dr. Bronson. Does she know if he’s still here? She goes to check on the computer and flashes back to telling Finn that she doesn’t think Dr. Bronson is the right doctor for his father. Finn comes out of the elevator, and Elizabeth says, his dad is here to see Dr. Bronson.

Anna goes to Sonny’s office, and he says, to what does he owe the pleasure? She asks if his offer of protection still stands.

Nina looks at the security footage of Charlotte sneaking into Anna’s room, when Charlotte walks in. Valentin says, look who he found.

Sonny asks, what’s going on? He thought Anna didn’t want protection. She says she just came from the MetroCourt. Someone gained access to her suite. They trashed the room, destroyed her clothes, and left her a message on the mirror in lipstick. Sonny asks, what kind of message? and Anna says, you think you got away with it. You didn’t. You think you’re safe. You’re not. She guesses she’s the target of a personal vendetta. Someone’s toying with her, trying to unsettle her, maybe throw her off her game. He says, it sounds like someone’s trying to get under her skin. She says, they’re succeeding. She just feels like the walls are closing in on her. Burning down her house is a violation, but it’s kerosene and a match. This is personal. They came into her space and touched her things, and she doesn’t think it’s the first time. They came back to the suite the other day, and her mail had been moved from one place to another. She knows that sounds crazy. It’s a small thing, but she noticed it. He says, it’s a hotel, there’s housekeeping, but she says, they don’t come every day. Whoever did this has been there before. What scares her is, she doesn’t know how many times.

Charlotte says, it’s so good to see Nina, and Nina quickly closes the laptop, hugging Charlotte. Nina asks, what brings her by here? and Valentin says, there was an incident at the hotel suite; the police are there. Nina says she knows. The front desk called to let her know what’s going on. She’s so sorry Charlotte showed up with all of this going on. So what’s the occasion? What brings Charlotte here? Charlotte says she just wanted to see papa, and Valentin says he’s glad she did. What did she do today? Where has she been? Charlotte says she was with Jake. I wonder if they’re going to be bad seeds together, since Jake was a little skewed at one time. I would love that.

Gregory says, it was nothing serious, but he thought he should check in with the doctor, and Finn says he’s glad. In fact, there’s something he wanted to talk to Gregory about. Does he mind if they have a conversation before he meets with Dr. Bronson? Gregory says, not at all, and asks if Elizabeth would check to see if the doctor is in and available. Elizabeth says, absolutely, and Finn and Gregory step away. Gregory asks, what’s on Finn’s mind? He couldn’t help noticing Elizabeth trying to signal him. He can’t wait to hear what this is about. Finn says, it’s about how Gregory is managing his ALS treatment.

Tracy asks Brook, that’s what we’re doing now? We’re throwing temper tantrums? Even toddlers outgrow that phase. In a grown woman, laughable. And by the way, she didn’t do anything to Lucy Coe that Lucy wouldn’t have happily done to her first. Brook says, this isn’t about Lucy and Tracy; it’s about her and Tracy. They’re supposed to be family. Tracy used her. Tracy blackmailed her. Tracy preyed on her where she’s most vulnerable; her love for Chase, her fear of losing him, her insecurity about the past with him. Tracy says, everything she did was for Brook’s own good, and Brook laughs. She asks how losing her job is good for her.

James says, Cody also taught him this, and Mac asks what he calls that one. James says, it’s an exploding clove hitch. Cody said, you have to be careful. If you pull it the wrong way, the whole knot will just unravel – he pulls it – like that. Felicia says, wow. It looks like James is on his way to becoming a sailor. James says, that would be super cool, and asks Mac if they can go to the stables. Cody promised he’d let him feed the horses. They could go tomorrow after school. Mac says he’s afraid they can’t. Cody’s going to be away for a while. James asks where he went, and Mac says he wishes he knew.

Cody tells Sasha, say the word, and they’re gone. He’ll iron out the details. She says, they have a car and some cash thanks to Sam, but they have no phones, no IDs, no internet access, and they’re both escaped mental patients considered dangerous. She stabbed Cody, and Cody attacked and tied up Dr. Montague. He says he wishes he’d done a lot worse to Montague; he might still yet. She says, no. He can’t get any deeper into this mess. He’s already thrown his life off-track for her. He tells her not to paint him as some kind of hero. Things wouldn’t have gotten this bad if he’d just been honest from the start. She asks how he’s dishonest.

Mac tells James, when Cody comes back, they’ll feed the horses, and James says, okay. Mac goes into the other room, and James asks to see Felicia’s homework. She says she’s learning about the hospital and all the rules and procedures. She’s going to learn everything she can so she can help the people in there. He asks if she means like the doctors and nurses, and she says, not exactly, but she does want to help the patients. He says, help them do what? and she tells him, like helping them understand what the doctor said, or if they need help finding their way around the hospital, or just making sure if they’re happy and comfortable, or if they need someone to talk to. He says he thinks being a doctor would be better, and she asks if he wants to be a doctor when he grows up, but he says, no. He wants to be a policeman like daddy and grandpa. The doorbell rings, and Mac opens the door to Scotty and Lucy, who’s holding a bottle of wine. She says, surprise!

Cody tells Sasha that he’s known about Gladys’s money troubles for months now. She was neck deep in the red to Selina Wu. He knew she sold Brando’s garage behind Sasha’s back to settle that debt. She says, he knew? and he says, yeah. He should have told her the whole truth back then. She asks why he didn’t, and he says, the reason he told himself was that she was so dependent on Gladys, he didn’t want to cause her anymore pain, but if she wants to know the real reason, the reason he doesn’t even want to admit out loud… She says she does, and he says, the real reason is, he didn’t want to jeopardize his relationship with Selina. She put him in that game to steer it, to make sure the players that she wanted to win would win. And if she wanted someone to lose, his job was to take them out fast or let them just keep playing and running up a bigger debt. He did it just for the extra cash. Stable hands don’t exactly make bank. But soon enough, Selina made it clear he didn’t have the option to quit or to talk. So he just kept quiet, even long after he knew Gladys was playing Sasha.

On the phone, Elizabeth says she’ll just give Amy a call back if they do end up needing to see Dr. Bronson. Finn says, it’s Gregory’s private business. The way he chooses to manage his disease is entirely up to him. Gregory says, it’s become increasingly clear to him that nobody manages ALS. He stopped driving, and all too soon he’ll stop walking, and then he’ll stop eating. Then talking, and finally, he’ll stop breathing. Finn says, but his quality of life between now and then, the way he handles his symptoms, the way he works around his limitations. He has options Finn doesn’t even think he knows about.

Anna tells Sonny, she feels like it’s a warning. Somebody wants to leave her with absolutely nothing. They destroyed her house, then the new clothes she bought. He asks if she checked the hotel surveillance. They have to have a recording of the halls, the elevators, and the lobby. She says, that’s the thing. Valentin went straight to security, but there’s nothing. He asks what she means, and she says, the footage is missing. He asks if that’s what Valentin told her.

Charlotte says, she and Jake went over to the promenade, but since she was close, she thought she’d visit papa. Do they want to see something cool? She takes out her phone and says, Jake almost fell into the fountain. She’s not interrupting Nina’s work, is she? Nina says, no. She was just doing a little research and wants to put it out of her head. She’s hoping to never see it again.

Sasha says, Cody never struck her as the type of guy to rewrite history, but he says he’s been known to when it works to his own advantage. She asks, what’s the advantage of making himself look bad? That’s not how she remembers things at all. From what she remembers, he was always warning her about Gladys. He told her not to trust Gladys, and she refused to listen. He says, that’s because he never told her the whole truth. He knew that Gladys was betting way more than she could afford. He figured she was dipping into those accounts she was supposedly managing for Sasha, and she was just managing them for herself. But he didn’t want to cross Selina, so he kept his mouth shut and covered his own ass until it was too late. She asks, what changed his mind?

Mac invites Lucy and Scotty in, and asks if there are any Pine Valley cops waiting in the bushes for Lucy. Lucy says, very funny. No, it’s just us gangsters. She hands Felicia the wine, and Felicia thanks her and says, it’s good to see them both. What brings them here? Scotty says, Lucy’s a little down in the dumps. He thought maybe he’d bring a little hooch and game night – he shows them a case he’s carrying – and cheer her up. James says he loves games. What are they playing? Scotty says, sorry, Charlie. Only for adults. James says he’s not Charlie, and Felicia says, he wouldn’t like these games. Why don’t they read a story? It’s a little past his bedtime anyway. Tell everybody goodnight. James says, goodnight grandpa, Lucy… and Charlie. Felicia takes him to the bedroom, and Mac tells Scotty and Lucy to have a seat. Scotty says, kids today. They don’t know that expression, sorry, Charlie? Lucy says, nobody under 40 knows sorry, Charlie. She bets he listened to 8-track tapes as he drove over. He says he did. He was listening to… Mac says he gathers they’re here to cheer Lucy up over her Deception lawsuit, and Lucy tells him, zip it. She doesn’t want that mojo out there. She just wants to have laughter and fun with friends, and play some games. Although that prospect seems a little dismal since her life is crumbling around her. Scotty promises everything is going to be all right. Pick a card. She says, stop it. Those are just words right now. He says, Alise is a top-notch attorney. She’s on the case. Lucy has nothing to worry about. She looks at him, and he says, she’s supposed to unwind a little. He thinks he might have some gummies in his pocket, but for crying out loud, there’s nothing she can do about it anyways. Maxie walks in, and Lucy says, aside from killing Tracy Quartermaine… Maxie says, she’ll have to get in line.

Brook asks how dragging her into corporate espionage against her friends is for her own good. She never should have trusted Tracy. Tracy says, of course (🍷) Brook should trust her. Everything she did was for Brook. Brook should be thanking her, not sulking. Brook says, Tracy’s right. She should be thanking her.

Anna says she knows Sonny doesn’t trust Valentin, but they were together when they found the mess in the suite. They’d just come from the hotel restaurant, so they were together the whole time. Sonny says, okay, but that doesn’t prove his innocence. He could have excused himself to make a phone call and gone to his room, or he could have paid somebody to do it. She says she doesn’t think so. She’s aware of his shortcomings, as is Sonny, but that hasn’t stopped Sonny from taking his assistance in business, has it? He says, absolutely, but they do have to thank Valentin for bringing Pikeman into their lives.

Charlotte asks why Nina is in this office. Isn’t she usually on the fifth floor? Valentin says he thinks it’s getting late to head back to Dante and Sam’s. Maybe she could spend the night at Nina’s. Nina says, that’s a great idea. She would love that. It could be a girls only sleepover and they can catch up. She’s missed Charlotte so much. Charlotte says she would love that. It would be like that time they had the blackout and camped out in the living room. Nina says, and Charlotte was saying all those ghost stories she heard at Lila’s Kids Camp. Charlotte says, until papa got scared, but Valentin says he remembers being worried Charlotte would get scared. Charlotte says, sometimes she thinks Valentin doesn’t know her very well, and Nina says she’ll shut this down, grab her stuff, and meet them downstairs in the lobby. Valentin says, deal, and as he closes the door, he whispers, get it off the server. She looks again at Charlotte sneaking into Anna’s room.

Gregory asks Finn if he’s talking about treatment options, but Finn says, more along the lines of something a little more holistic. And he thought they might check out some other neurologists. Gregory asks if something is wrong with Dr. Bronson, but Finn says, not at all. He’s highly respected and made significant contributions to research, but… He thinks Elizabeth put this better than he ever could. Dr. Bronson seems to concentrate on treating general symptoms, not focusing so much on the patient, you. He thinks Gregory deserves a doctor who will help him live life to the fullest, not one that’s just predicting when everything is going to fail. Gregory asks if this is what all the looks between Finn and Elizabeth were about. Did Elizabeth put him up to this? Finn says, no, not at all. Gregory says he’ll ask her directly, and goes over the desk. He says he understands Elizabeth has reservations about his doctor, and she joins them. Finn stammers and says, they both do, and he’s grateful to Elizabeth for raising the question. Elizabeth says she’s so sorry for overstepping, and Finn says, they both just think there’s a better neurologist out there for him. And he’d like Gregory’s permission to go find them.

Lucy tells Maxie, she has a better idea. She lures Tracy into that Quartermaine crypt with that stinky smelling cheese she likes, and seals her in completely. That rat no one will miss is already buried. Mac tells her not to talk that way, and Maxie says, Mac, please. She thinks Tracy’s too clever for that. Lucy might be better off putting something in her drink. Scotty says, she does like her cognac, and Lucy says, but she has to see Tracy’s face when she does it. Mac says, hello? No one is offing anyone. Police Commissioner, remember? Lucy says, yeah, but he’s being very old fuddy duddy. Felicia comes back and asks them to keep it down; James and Bailey Lou are asleep. Maxie says, oh yes. I have kids. Sorry. Felicia says, whatever they’re talking about is way too gruesome for game night. They should be ashamed of themselves, fantasizing about ending someone’s life. Lucy says, excuse her, but Felicia knows Tracy has been a thorn in her side almost her entire life, and Maxie says, and Tracy cost her a close friend and her business. She might not even be able to keep this house if Deception goes under. Felicia says, they’re two of the most brilliant, tenacious, inventive women she knows. If the worst happens, they’ll pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and find themselves another successful endeavor. Maxie says, she can’t possibly think it’s that easy, and Mac says, nothing in life is that easy. Maxie says, it wasn’t easy the first time they did it. They put Deception on the map, and The Deceptor was their baby. Now Tracy’s threatened to let all of it go down the drain unless they give her 75% of their company. Lucy says she did get a much better offer out of her, but that smug look on Tracy’s face… Maxie says, I’m sorry, what? Lucy got a better offer? When was Lucy going to tell her this?

Tracy says, that was fast, Brook thanking her, and Brook says, yes, Tracy was right. Moving in with Chase has provided her with an entirely new perspective on everything. Tracy blackmailed her into going back to Deception, and she was obligated to Lucy, Sasha, and especially to Maxie. She would have done everything in her power to keep Deception afloat. But now, because of Tracy’s spiteful lawsuit, she’s been released from that obligation. So now, she’s free to pursue her number one passion full-time. She’s going back to music. She starts to leave, but Tracy grabs her arm and says, absolutely not. Music was her father’s downfall. She will not let that happen to Brook. Brook asks what Tracy is going to do to stop her. She has no more blackmail leverage over Brook. Chase knows everything and fully supports her. That’s all that matters to her. Tracy says, listen to me… but Brook says she’s done listening to Tracy. She hopes Deception was worth it because it just cost Tracy her granddaughter. She walks away.

Cody says, at the pool when he felt the knife and turned to see Sasha, he saw in her eyes something terrible. That wasn’t her. He knew that something else had taken control. There’s no way she would have stabbed him, unless she wasn’t in her right mind. He knew she couldn’t have lost her mind so fast and so completely unless someone else had drugged her. He knew in his gut she’d been set up and he knew he had to do something about it. There are a lot of things in his life he’s not proud of, but he knew he couldn’t live with himself if he didn’t at least try to help her. She thanks him and says, he did more than he knows. He tells her not to thank him yet. They’re not out of the woods. She says, he got them this far, and honestly, she’s so thankful for the rescue, but she’s even more thankful that he believed in her.

Nina, Charlotte, and Valentin go to Nina’s place, and Charlotte says, this is going to be so much fun. She just hopes the power stays on. Nina tells her not to worry; she has plenty of candles. Why doesn’t she get Charlotte settled in the guest room? Valentin says he’ll be right in, and when they’re gone, he leaves a message for Anna. He just wanted to give her a heads up that he’s taken Charlotte to stay at Nina’s for the night. He looks at his phone and sees one missed call and one new voicemail to Anna.

Sonny says, Valentin? and Anna says, yeah. He says, she should have taken the call. Maybe he has great news. She says she’ll call him later. There’s something else she wants to address with Sonny. He says he’s all ears, and she says, the shooting at the pool, the bullets they dodged. She thinks they were meant for him, not her. The recent events, the burning of her house, the message on the mirror, those were aimed specifically at her. The shooting at the pool is a public attack. It’s a mismatch in psychological profiles, which leads her to believe they’re dealing with two distinct and conflicting motives. He says, two different perpetrators, and she says, that’s what she thinks. Because the dichotomy of the patterns, that’s what convinces her. He asks if she’s telling him that the shooting was a warning from Pikeman, and she says, and possibly the WSB.

Maxie says, 51/49 and Lucy turned it down. Did Lucy even think about telling her that Tracy made her that offer? Lucy says, but she would have had to surrender her 1% of ELQ, and Maxie says, okay. Scotty says, but she can’t do that. This is like a smorgasbord for Lucy. Maxie says, nobody asked for his opinion, and Lucy, firing perfectly good attorneys, turning down secret deals, making choices all by herself? Mac says, Lucy should be running these things past Maxie, her partner, and Scotty says, look at Lucy; she’s got nothing. Lucy tells him, shush, please. He isn’t helping. This is totally separate. Maxie says, but it’s just fine if she doesn’t know… and Felicia tells them, take it down a notch, please. Maxie says she’s put everything she has on the line for Deception. And by the way, didn’t Lucy get that 1% from Alan? Lucy says, don’t say Alan. Maxie knows she hates that name. She’s acting just like Tracy. They start bickering, when James comes out and says, it sounds really loud. Could they play something else?

Gregory thanks Finn and Elizabeth for thinking about this and looking out for him. Elizabeth could never overstep. He hereby gives Finn his permission to find a different neurologist. He’ll see whoever Finn recommends. Finn thanks him, and Gregory says, after all, Finn is a highly respected diagnostician, who’s made significant contributions to research. How could he not trust Finn? Elizabeth says, exactly, and Finn says, he for one, is grateful, but Gregory says he’s the one who’s grateful to them both for their perspectives and for speaking up. Finn’s phone beeps, and he says he has to go authorize the release of some labs. He’ll be right back. He leaves, and Gregory says, a new doctor might not make much difference, but if it gives Finn a sense of control, he’s all for it. Mostly, he’s grateful to Elizabeth for supporting him. He’s so glad Finn has her in his life.

Tracy approaches the desk, and Finn asks if she’s the cat or the canary. She says, don’t ask, and he says, canary. She says she needs a level 5 backgammon game to forget about this one. She needs a win. He says, she might be disappointed. He’s picked up a few new tricks. She says, no kidding? Has he been binging videos of Double Six King Kyle? He says, now that she mentions it, but don’t knock it. He’s got some excellent strategies. She asks, what’s his father doing here so late?

Cody says he guesses that means they’re not disappearing, and Sasha suggests they see what Sam and Dante come up with first. He tells her, in that case, he says they call it a night. They need to rest up for whatever comes next. She can take the bed. She asks where he’s going to sleep, and he says he’s actually getting pretty fond of his chair here. She’s a lot nicer than she looks. Sasha says, no way. They’re going to have to come up with a different plan for tonight.

Sonny asks if Anna is trying to tell him there’s a link between Pikeman and the WSB, and she says she thinks it’s possible. She wanted him to be fully informed, so he could take into consideration all the possibilities that represents. He thanks her for the heads up, and she says, he has to be vigilant. He says he’s going to beef up his security and get Anna protection. She won’t even know they’re there. She says she’ll know, and thanks him. He says, she’s just got to be careful because whoever’s after her isn’t going to stop anytime soon. She says she just wishes she knew what they wanted from her.

Valentin says he’s sorry he hasn’t found a house for him and Charlotte yet; one where they can all live. She says, you and me, and Anna, and he says, yeah. She says she hopes it happens soon. She misses him and wants them to be together more than ever. He kisses her forehead and says he loves her, and she says she loves him too. She gets under the covers, and he leaves.

Valentin thanks Nina for letting Charlotte stay the night, and she says, of course (🍷). She loves having Charlotte here. He says he doesn’t want Charlotte near Anna. He doesn’t want her out of his sight. Nina says she knows. There are a lot of questions. They know she went into the suite, but there are no cameras in the suite, so they don’t know exactly what happened. He says he doesn’t know how to begin to handle this. His head is swimming. She says, how about this? Go back to Anna, but remember this; no matter what happens, she’s here for him. And she’s here for Charlotte. She helps him put his jacket on, he says he’ll see her in the morning, and he leaves.

Finn tells Tracy, dad’s schedule is anyone’s guess. She’d have to ask him, but if she’d like some cathartic backgammon tomorrow, just let him know. Maybe he’ll let her win. She laughs, and Gregory joins them. He says, she’s here very late, and she says, for a very boring board meeting that was followed by her granddaughter insulting her. She could use a drink. Gregory says, it’s probably not what she had in mind, but can he offer her a soda to lift her spirits? She asks if they’re back to killing her with kindness again, and he says, it was just a thought. She’s welcome to decline. She says, no. Far be it from her to respond to kindness with rudeness. She would be delighted to take him up on his offer. He says, after her, and they walk to the vending machine. Finn tells Elizabeth, when he sees his dad in his element like this, all wit and charm, it seems like everything is normal. Then he thinks about what’s to come. She says, Finn’s doing the best he can for his dad. That’s all he can do. He says he wishes he had the words to tell her how much it means to have her with him while he does this, and she takes his hand.

Gregory gives Tracy a can from the machine, and she thanks him. She says, ginger ale (which makes me immediately want one). She’ll just pretend it’s a whiskey/ginger. She opens the can, and sees Gregory struggling with his. She asks if he’s all right, and after a moment, he says, no. Actually, he’s not and it’s about time she knew. He’s been diagnosed with ALS. She says, Gregory, no… She doesn’t know what to say.

Maxie tells James, sorry. Let’s go back to bed. She’ll tuck him in. She’s right behind him. She turns around and says she never thought Lucy would be so selfish. She walks out before Lucy can say anything, and Lucy grabs her bag, heading for the door. Following her, Scotty says, hold it there. Wait a second. Take it easy. They leave, and Felicia tells Mac, so much for their quiet night. He says, poor Maxie. She’s lost so much in her life. He’d hate to see her lose this too. She’s worked so hard. Felicia says, so has Lucy.

In the hallway, Lucy asks Scotty, is this karma? and he says, if karma was a thing, she’d be the Queen of England. She says, and he’s always been her knight in tarnished armor, and he puts his hands on her shoulders, telling her, things are going to work out. They always do. He hugs her.

Lying in bed, Sasha says, this isn’t right. They need to switch. She leans over the bed, and says, Cody? On the floor, Cody snores loudly, and she whispers, goodnight. She goes back to sleep, and he opens his eyes in the dark.

On the phone, Nina tells Sonny that she’s not going to make it home tonight. He asks, what’s going on? and she says, Valentin asked her to take Charlotte tonight because someone broke in to Anna’s suite. He tells her, that’s what Anna said. She said he went into the MetroCourt to check the surveillance video, and it was missing. He’s trying to figure out how someone got in there to remove the video. She says, it’s very unsettling that someone was able to bypass all the security measures at the MetroCourt, and he says, it must have been a professional or somebody with a lot of help. Anyway, he’ll miss her tonight. She says she’ll miss him too, and he says, have fun with Charlotte. They say goodnight.

Anna looks at the message on the mirror for the millionth time. Valentin comes in and looks at it with her.

In the guest room in the dark, Charlotte takes out a box from her backpack. She opens the box and takes out tarot cards. She configures them in front of her on the bed.

Tomorrow, Carly asks if someone has any news for her to give to Sonny; Robert tells Diane that he wants to help Drew; Cyrus says he wants to warn Drew; and Nina asks what Valentin is going to do about Charlotte targeting Anna.

The Real Questionable If They Are Housewives of Orange County

Continuing to inflict themselves on Mexico…

Jenn has now fled the table, and Tamra says she doesn’t think Ryan is good for Jenn. The consensus is, none of them do. Meanwhile Jenn calls Ryan with Taylor as back-up. She cries to him, saying she’s tired of the women talking smack about him. She asks if there’s anything she needs to know, and in her interview, she says, Ryan told her about a one night stand, but now she’s wondering if it was a one year thing. Her head is spinning. She loved her family and didn’t want her marriage to end that way. She upheld her end and wants him to uphold his.

There’s turtle talk among the women, not to be confused with turtle time. In Tamra’s interview, she says, they’re going to be parasailing and swimming with the turtles. She just wants to have fun. In Jenn’s interview, she says she’s pissed at herself for putting up with Tamra’s behavior. On the way back, Emily tells some of the others, it’s messed up that Fancy Pants Heather called her Snuffleupagus. Fancy Pants needs to laugh at herself if she’s going to say sh*t to her. We flash back to that, and Gina says she thinks Fancy Pants is sensitive because of her childhood. We flash back to Heather’s mother being an asshat, and saying she was called Smother. Emily says, regardless, she doesn’t get to hammer people and be mad when it comes back. In Gina’s interview, she says, Fancy Pants doesn’t mean to offend people. She’s just good at it naturally. Vicki talks about some woman whose parasailing cord snapped, and she landed on a building where they couldn’t get her down. So… Is she still there? Vicki doesn’t say. Shannon wonders what purpose Fancy Pants had in telling Emily that she talked about her, but couldn’t tell Emily what it was she said. In Shannon’s interview, she asks why Fancy Pants is saying negative things about her to people all the time.

Diegos number one and two are the group’s turtle guides. One of the women asks if the turtles bite, and one of the Diegos says only he bites. Alrighty then. The go out on a boat, put on snorkel equipment, and jump in the water. Except for Shannon, who says she’s shaky, and has to make a production out of it. In her interview, Tamra says, swimming with the turtles is calming for the soul. I could see that. It seems very peaceful. Fancy Pants goes parasailing with Vicki, who screeches like a banshee the whole time. Fancy Pants tries to get her to happy place so she’ll stop, and on the boat, Jenn says, Vicki sounds like she’s dying. It’s nice that Vicki’s up there. She can’t hear the critique on her relationship. The parasailers get back to the boat, and Vicki throws up over the side. Following that, they do tequila shots using the snorkels, and in Emily’s interview, she says, it’s easy to do a shot when you’re Snuffleupagus. You can just put it in your trunk.

They get glammed up for dinner, and Emily falls into the bathtub while Gina is helping her lace up her sandals. They go to an amazing restaurant and sit outside, and Shannon shows off her bruises from jumping off the boat. Shannon says she doesn’t know if it’s a topic to bring up here (if you have to think about it, it probably isn’t), but she thought Jenn and Tamra seemed to be moving forward after Montana. She’s wondering if it was really resolved, and Jenn says she thought they were in a good spot. Vicki – who has absolutely no business in this conversation – trashes Ryan, and says, Jenn should have made her marriage work. No man is worth it. Shannon says, that’s Vicki’s situation, and Gina says, Vicki doesn’t know Jenn’s history. Don’t attack her. Vicki tells Gina, stay out of it, and Gina says she didn’t bring it up. She’s just sitting here trying to eat her [chicken] wings. In Gina’s interview, she says she thinks Jenn is a good person who made a mistake. What puts Vicki in the position to say Jenn ruined her family? Vicki says, she left a good man for a loser and got burned. Is she talking about Don? I don’t remember him as being any prize. Jenn says, she told the girls, her divorce was like mourning, and she didn’t understand why she wasn’t enough for him. Shannon says she has nothing but empathy, and in Jenn’s interview, she says she has guilt for decisions she’s made, and when the women criticize her, she sometimes feels like she deserves it.

Last Day. I’m sure Mexico is glad. The women are going to Talum for some shopping, but Jenn wants to see a shaman. Vicki acts like a jerk, and Jenn says she wants to end on a good note. In her interview, Jenn says she wants Tamra to come, because whatever they’re doing in this realm, it’s not working. Fancy Pants calls Terry, and tells him that she forgot how loud Vicki is. She’s never doing this again. In Shannon’s interview, she says she forgot her toothbrush, and didn’t know where the lobby was. She kept thinking someone would get her one. She’s been using a towel. Wow. No wonder she’s afraid to live alone. Tamra, who’s had enough, calls the desk and requests a toothbrush, telling them that Shannon hasn’t brushed her teeth in 4 days. On the shuttle bus, Shannon announces she’s got a toothbrush, and everyone cheers. On the way to town, Emily brings up Fancy Pants unfollowing everyone, and Heather explains she had FOMO when she wasn’t on the show. Emily says, maybe she feels like she doesn’t fit in because of saying things like that, and in Gina’s interview, she says she follows, likes, comments with everyone. In Emily’s interview, she says, it makes Fancy Pants look like she thinks she’s on a pedestal. They follow me, but I don’t follow them because I’m queen. Fancy Pants says she is now following Emily, and Emily jokes that she blocked Fancy Pants. At least I think it’s a joke. Everyone laughed. In Fancy Pants’ interview, she says she’s seen how they twist things. She’s been 100% the punching bag on this trip. She can’t do anything right. She just wants to be quiet and let the trip end. Jenn hates them all and wants to go home. I get that feeling every time I watch this show.

Jenn, Shannon, Vicki, and Tamra go to see the shaman. In Vicki’s interview, she says she’s trying to understand what it’s all about, and in Tamra’s interview, she says she doesn’t even know what the word shaman means. The others go shopping, and Emily immediately buys a crown. In Fancy Pants’ interview, she says she’s had people be mean to her before, but this was a lot, especially from people who are supposed to be her friends. If retail therapy can’t cheer her up. that’s a problem. The shaman waves a chalice of smoke around each of women, and asks the sun to open their hearts. He asks that they be in harmony, joy, and love. I tell him, good luck with that. Oh, they’ll leave that way, but it won’t last. He asks their purpose or goal, and Shannon says she wants to have an open heart, and wants her friends to feel the same. Vicki says she needs acceptance, and wants to receive unconditional love. Tamra says she wants to be able to trust her friends and have them trust her. She wants to come from a place of love, and eliminate the hate in her life. Good luck with that too. Jenn says she wants clarity, happiness, and authentic relationships, and the shaman says, love is the most important element of all.

Fancy Pants goes to sit by herself, but Taylor finds her. Fancy Pants tells her that she doesn’t want to talk anymore, and Taylor says she knows they’re not close, but she’s feeling Fancy Pants’ pain. In her interview, Fancy Pants says she probably shouldn’t confide in Taylor. She might do something terrible like say she’s cute, but at this point, she has nothing left to lose. She tells Taylor that she feels like she doesn’t fit in, and anything she says gets turned around. Taylore says she thinks Fancy Pants doesn’t get as much of a hall pass, because they believe she thinks she’s better than them. Taylor thinks it’s the money, and they feel inferior. It’s not right. Fancy Pants says, they keep telling her that it’s her problem, and at this point, she doesn’t want to talk to anyone. Taylor says she understands. I agree that the women think Fancy Pants act superior, but I don’t think it’s about the money. It’s about her delivery, but she’s probably not going to change at this late date, so maybe they should just say, it’s Heather being Heather, and ignore it.

Meanwhile, the shaman group all throw some stuff in the air, concluding the end of their ceremony. In Tamra’s interview, she says she realizes she wants a deeper relationship between her and Jenn. She hugs Jenn, and says she’s sorry. She just wants the best for her. Been here before. Give it time and she’ll be screeching at Jenn again. In Jenn’s interview, she says she doesn’t know if it’s real. At the end of the day, she might have sucker written on her forehead, but she wants get back to who they were.

The group goes up a million stairs to a restaurant in what can best be described as a humongous treehouse. It looks so complicated to get up there. After the stairs, there’s some kind of net with pads built into it that’s navigated barefoot. Kind of like walking on big rocks across a creek. A creek a million feet up. Shannon freaks, remembering the rope exercise, and we flash back to her squishing Vicki’s hand between two ropes because she was holding them so tight. Vicki tries to help her, and she screams, don’t touch me! She steps on a pad and falls, Spanx up. Fancy Pants tells them that they can walk around, and Vicki says she doesn’t want to end up in the hospital. She’s walking around. I’m surprised there’s no flashback, since Vicki’s gone to the hospital while they’re on trips a couple of times. After all this, they decide it’s too hot, and move to a table toward the shadier inside. The culinary director comes out and says he’ll be cooking for them. Food porn! Food porn! Jenn says she wants to be better, and Emily says, all she knows is Jenn’s situation with Ryan. She’s an adult, and whatever happens, happens. Ryan doesn’t define her. Vicki says she’s at a good place and wants a forever love. Gina asks if Vicki’s boyfriend is the one, and Vicki says she would marry him, but they’re taking it slow. Fancy Pants says, it’s the first time she’s known Vicki not to be all-in. It makes her sad and happy at the same time. Eager to stir the sh*t after claiming she wanted to come from a place of love two minutes ago, Tamra says, Fancy Pants said Shannon wasn’t all-in with John. We flash back to that, and she did, but Fancy Pants says she doesn’t remember saying that. In her interview, she tells us that she said nothing wrong, but Tamra is repeating it in way to get Shannon mad at her. Did she run over Tamra’s cat? Now pissed, Shannon says, Fancy Pants should use a different word, but Fancy Pants says she doesn’t want to be word policed anymore. Shannon says, Fancy Pants claims she said something horrible about Emily, but Fancy Pants says, Tamra was the one talking about them. In Fancy Pants’ interview, she says, Emily thought she was making it up, and she didn’t understand that Emily misheard. In Emily’s interview, she says, her bad. Should she write Fancy Pants a note? Tamra says, Fancy Pants called them a bunch of f***ing losers, and Fancy Pants says she was talking about Noella and Jen. Nice twist on what she said. In Vicki’s interview, she says she’s uncomfortable being  around fighting. She never liked it. It’s not who she is. We flash back to seeing that’s exactly who she is. In another bout of grievous misunderstanding, Gina says she’s done, and in her interview, she says she’s been a genuine friend to Fancy Pants, and the whole time, Fancy Pants was saying nasty things about her. Fancy Pants gets up and says she gets it. They don’t like her. Gina is still not listening, and babbling about Fancy Pants talking sh*t about her. Fancy Pants says, she’s done, and walks out. Ugh. I hate to admit it, but this time Fancy Pants is right. They just aren’t listening that she was talking about other people. On top of it, Tamra keeps adding fuel to the fire.

In her interview, Fancy Pants says, Tamra is going to say she called Gina a loser, and Gina is going to believe it? We flash back to Gina telling Fancy Pants that not everyone sees Tamra with their eyes open. Vicki goes to the bar, and literally weeps to the bartender about what’s going on. In her interview, she says she feels bad for Fancy Pants, and also as a woman to another woman. She’s matured and realizes what’s important, and it’s not this. These women really don’t see themselves as they are, do they. Fancy Pants says she’s done with the show. She’s out. Shannon hunts her down, and asks, what’s going on? Fancy Pants says she doesn’t like being the scapegoat. Still at the table, Gina says she thought Fancy Pants liked her. She’s been a good friend. In Gina’s interview, she says she can’t force Fancy Pants to be a good friend. What else can she do at this point? Um… maybe listen to what Fancy Pants is actually saying? Firsthand? Fancy Pants says, they just went to a shaman, and Vicki says she can’t be here. Emily tells Gina, people with superiority complexes need to be accountable. At the table, Shannon says, Fancy Pants is thoughtful, generous, and kind, and a little calculating. This trip didn’t end the way she thought it would. What is it Dr. Phil says? The best prediction of future behavior is past behavior? Yep. No insight whatsoever.

4 hours later. The Tres Amigas hit the bar. In Shannon’s interview, she asks, when was the last time the three of them danced on a bar? She tells the other two, the trip turned into a lot of drama, but she’s glad they ended on a happy, fun note. Even though they’re old ladies, they were able to dance on the bar. At the hotel, Fancy Pants, Taylor, and Jenn clink glasses. Taylor says, onward and upward, Willy Wonka. At the bar, Shannon is upset that Fancy Pants claimed it was her talking trash, and in Tamra’s interview, she says, when Heather is up against the wall, she’ll throw anyone under the bus. In Fancy Pants’ interview, she says she wants to show Gina that it’s Tamra who’s been talking sh*t about her. Shannon tells the amigas that they need to end the trip on a positive note, and Tamra smushes them against her.

I hate them all and I want to go home.

Next time – THE FINALE! – a circus; Emily gets on a unicycle; Jenn questions Ryan; Fancy Pants tells Terry that she got grilled in Mexico; Fancy Pants plays a tape for Gina; Gina tells Emily that she’s being more aggressive than usual; and Tamra says, Fancy Pants is rallying the troops.

💼 Unpacking My Baggage…

Join me tomorrow for soap and some Charm. Until then, stay safe; stay letting people get off the elevator, train, or whatever before you get on; and stay remembering a person is never too old to learn. Life is like one big, long journey and there’s always something you can pick up along the way.