What I Watched Today

(rambling, random thoughts & annoyingly detailed recaps from real time TV watching)

General Hospital

Michael and crew go into Kelly’s where the party has begun. They’re dressed as characters from Star Wars, Michael being Darth Vader. Carly asks if that’s Michael in there, and Wiley says, he’s Luke Skywalker. Carly says, he certainly is, and Michael says, I am your father. Willow, as Princess Leia, tells Carly, may the Force be with you tonight. She may need it. Carly says she thinks so, and cowboy James asks if Wiley wants to round up some bad guys. Wiley says he has his light saber, and Michael says, to infinity and… Wiley tells him, wrong movie, dad. The kids run off, and Maxie says she’s glad James has another sheriff of sorts to fight the bad guys. Willow says, they’ll be occupied for hours, and Michael says, somebody’s got to keep the peace. Carly says she doesn’t think it’s going to be those two. Donna comes in as Little Bo Peep, and Carly says, her costume turned out perfect, and pumpkin Scout looks amazing. Carly thanks Sonny and Nina for bringing the girls, and Sonny thanks her for doing all this. Nina says, they’re going to have so much fun, and she and Michael exchange a look.

Trina, a sexy-ish Little Red Riding Hood, says she doesn’t know how she’s going to pull this together. Thank God Josslyn is here. Adjusting Trina’s costume, Josslyn says, she’s going to look fantastic. She’s going to be the life of the party. Trina says she can’t believe Josslyn isn’t coming. She was so excited for tonight. She’s going to miss an epic party. Josslyn says she doesn’t know. Dex was supposed to come with her, and now that she’s solo, she doesn’t want to go and deal with all the drunk frat guys hitting on her. Trina offers to protect her, and Josslyn thanks her, but says she thinks she needs some me time. But go, have so much fun, and text her all of the tragic costumes. Trina tells her to get ready for the pictures.

Sasha looks at her bank account on her laptop, and sighs. She says, talk about a horror show. There’s a knock at the door, and cowboy Cody says, happy Halloween.

Anna tells herself that she’s cracked tougher codes than this, and takes some folders out of the trunk. She opens one and says, so many years of secrets. She closes it and says, it’s not a trip down Memory Lane. Let’s get this worked out.

Charlotte walks outside and adjusts the jack-o-lanterns. She takes Anna’s keys out of her pocket, when Valentin comes out and asks what she’s doing. She holds the keys behind her back.

Pirate Aiden tells Avery that the cookies are great. He’s all about 3-D cake decorating. Check this out. He shows her his phone, and she says, he did that? He says, pretty complicated.

Anna sets volumes of some kind on the table, and says, 1983, 1985, 89. There’s a knock at the door, and Felicia says, it’s her. She’s holding a giftbag and Anna asks, what is it? Felicia says, a housewarming present, something no self-respecting Englishwoman should be without. She gives the giftbag to Anna.

Charlotte goes back inside, stuffing the keys into her pocket again, and Valentin asks why she’s not in her Halloween costume. Her friends are going to be here any minute. She says she was just fixing the decorations. She wants everything to be perfect when they get here. And her costume is easy. She can just put it on before they go trick-or-treating. He says, she’s pretty excited about Halloween this year, and she says, last year was so boring. They barely did anything at boarding school; the headmaster was so strict. He says he’s sorry she had to go through that. They’ll make this one a Halloween to remember. She says, it’s already better. She’s here with him in a house of their own. There’s a knock at the door, and Charlotte says, it must be them. Remember their deal about no chaperoning. She opens the door, and Jake, Danny, and Georgie say, trick-or-treat.

Josslyn opens the dorm room door, and Spencer jumps out dressed like a werewolf. Josslyn tells Trina, Bigfoot’s here, and we see Trina with her red hood. Spencer says he has no words, and she says, silence is gold, baby. He kisses her, and she says, it’s Ace’s first Halloween. Was he excited to take Ace trick-or-treating? He says, yes. It was wonderful. He didn’t know how Ace was going to react at first because he was so scared of that jack-o-lantern in the lobby, but he was great. He had so much fun. At first, Esme was trying to walk Ace up to the doors, but he decided it would be better to just float him up. They had a nice time. Of course (🍷) Ace passed out by the fourth house, so he dropped Ace off and now he’s all hers. She asks what they’re waiting for. Let’s get going. Josslyn opens the door and tells them, have fun. Don’t do anything she wouldn’t do. Spencer gives the standard answer of, that leaves a lot of options, and he and Trina leave. Adam walks dejectedly down the hall, and Josslyn asks, what’s going on? It looks like he’s seen a ghost.

Avery tells Sonny that she wants to show Willow her costume, and he tells her, go have some fun. She runs off, and Sonny asks if Aiden misses his brother. Aiden says, yeah, but they talk on the phone all the time. Sonny asks if Cameron likes school, and Aiden tells him, you could say that, but he’s really interested in Ueki, his new girlfriend. Sonny laughs.

Outside, Nina asks what they have here. A cowboy and… Wiley says, Luke Skywalker, and James says, yes, ma’am, and if she needs any help with outlaws, they’ve got her covered. She says, that’s good to know, pardner, and Wiley says, they could patrol the island. James should see where Grandpa and Grandma Nina had their wedding. There are big caves to explore and a lot of spiders. They’re going to go back again soon, right? Nina says, yes, they are, although she wishes he wouldn’t mention those spiders. Michael takes a peek outside, keeping his eye on Nina.

Willow asks how the girls came up with their costumes, and Avery says she wanted hers to be a surprise. Donna kept wanting to find out. Donna says she did not. She just wanted to know what color it would be. Scout says, or if it was an animal or a person or if she would have a tiara. Avery says, Donna decided what they would wear, and Donna says, only because you let me. Avery makes air quotes and says, let you.

Michael goes back to the kitchen and asks if Carly’s had any word on Drew, but she says, no. Radio silence, and it’s driving her crazy.

Sasha asks if it isn’t a little late for trick-or-treat, but Cody says, that’s just if you want to get candy. He’s here to give it. He’s carrying a pumpkin bucket full of candy, and she says she appreciates the gesture, and she does have a sweet tooth, but she thinks if she ate all that, she’d go into sugar shock. He says, this isn’t for her to eat. At least not all of it. It’s for her to give away. She says she doesn’t think any little goblins are going to be ringing her doorbell. There’s not so much as a skeleton on the door or a plastic pumpkin out front. He says, hold that thought, he’ll be right back, and leaves.

Josslyn invites Adam in and tells him to have a seat. She’ll get him some water. He says he doesn’t know what went wrong. He’s never taken a test like that before. She says, that was Organic Chemistry. It’s tough, and that was a heinous test. The professor warned them. What did he get? He says he got a 92.5, and she says, and that’s tanking? He says, 92.5 is not going to get him into any of the medical schools on his parents’ list, and she says, she’d better not apply to any of the schools on his parents’ list, because she got 89% and that’s better than she thought. He says he wishes he could be like her. She’s so relaxed and level-headed. If he gets less than a 95, he has a panic attack, and has to dodge all the calls from home. She says, that’s intense. He has to stop being so hard on himself. He’s so smart and he’s so capable. He’s going to make a great doctor. He thanks her and says he really needed to hear that. Her phone dings, and she says she guesses she’s going out for Halloween after all.

Anna takes out a pair of mugs with the Union Jack flag on them, and tells Felicia, this is perfect. How did she know? She’s so desperate for a cup of tea. Felicia says she had a hunch, and Anna says, Felicia didn’t have to give her a gift. The whole place is gift enough; just her figuring out she could sublet from Maxie. Felicia says, two birds, one stone, right? and Anna says, Felicia has a unique ability. It makes her perfect to be a patient advocate. She just figures things out and helps people work through difficult situations. Felicia says she wouldn’t engrave that on a plaque just yet. She nearly sank her career at the hospital before it even set sail.

Charlotte says her friends look great, and tells them to check out their new house. Devil Georgie says, this is so cool. They both have new places. Charlotte says, it’s kind of weird Georgie’s living in her mom’s old house. What room did she pick? Georgie says she got the room with the window seat, and Charlotte says, that’s where she used to sleep. Mad scientist Jake asks, what are these? and Charlotte says, pumpkin bars. She made them. Valentin lets Sam in, and asks if he can offer her a glass of sparkling pumpkin spice apple cider. She says she’s good (as I would), and he says, probably a wise choice. He thanks her for bringing the kids by, and she says, her pleasure. They were all really excited. Elizabeth is working and Maxie took James to Kelly’s. Sonny and Nina offered to take Scout so she could drop the kids off here, but Carly is throwing a huge Halloween bash for adults and kids. Valentin says he wasn’t aware there was a party; he wasn’t in the loop. She says, according to Carly, the more the merrier, so if anyone wants to join… and he says, that might be preferable. Let’s ask them what they think. Sam tells the kids, Carly is throwing a huge Halloween bash at Kelly’s. Any takers? The response is underwhelming.

Maxie tells Sonny and Nina, congratulations, lovebirds, for skipping town like fugitives. Sonny says he wasn’t going to let Nina get away, and Maxie says, that’s sweet. She had the perfect theme for their wedding; flying cherubs, towering gladiolas, taffeta for days. But she supposes eloping does have its appeal. Nina says she wishes Maxie could have been there. If she’d done the wedding, Nina’s sure it would have been amazing, but this is exactly what they wanted. Sonny says, quick and simple, and Maxie says, probably for the best, because weddings in Port Charles usually attract bad mojo. Nina says, no bad mojo, and Maxie says, all they need is happiness, and they both clearly have that going on. Sonny says, you got it, and kisses Nina.

Outside, Avery says, girls play better, and Donna says, yeah. James says, no way. Boys do because their arms are strong. Avery says, who cares about strong arms? You have to aim good. Donna says, yeah, and Scout says, like using a slingshot. Daddy says you have to tilt a little higher than you see. Bringing Wiley out, Michael asks what they’re talking about, and Aiden says, cornhole is really a gender war. James tells him, Avery says girls are better, and Michael says, those are fighting words. It’s not that simple though, right? Everyone has their own skills and talents. That’s what goes into making a winning team, right? Wiley says he guesses.

Willow tells Carly, Michael’s such a good dad, and an amazing big brother. Carly agrees, and says, he’s the rock of the family. He’s always stepping in to help his siblings, and double that for his own children. It’s a gift, and sometimes a burden.

Nina comes out and asks what they’re doing. Wiley says, they’re going to play cornhole. He wants her on his team. Michael obviously can’t stand this.

Sam says, don’t all speak at once, and Chalotte says, thank you for the invitation to Carly’s party… Steampunk Danny says, they talked about this. The party at Kelly’s is totally for little kids. They want to go trick-or-treating. Sam says, okay, but if they change their minds… Jake says, they won’t. Right? Danny says, they’ll let her know, and Valentin says, the mob has spoken.

Felicia tells Anna, it was a nightmare. She was so humiliated. Anna says, $11,000 is so much, and Felicia says she knows. The patient couldn’t afford it, and how was she going to explain that to Mac? Anna asks if she’d be on the hook for it, and Felicia tells her, she couldn’t very well say to the poor man, sorry, my bad. Stella Henry saved the day. Anna says, Curtis’s Aunt Stella? and Felicia says, yes. She had her checkbook out, ready to pay, and Stella knew of a research project at the hospital, so she made a call. The patient agreed to share his data, and boom, the hospital stepped right in and covered the cost. She couldn’t believe it. Stella knows everything. Anna says, Felicia will too. She’s just a diamond in the rough. Felicia says, more like a lump of coal, but Stella has all this information, and it’s right here. She taps her head, and Anna says, Felicia has it up there too. She’s a perfectionist. That’s her strength. She’s not going to be a rookie forever, and her heart is in the right place. That’s the most important thing.

Dex knocks at Josslyn’s door, and Josslyn opens it, dressed as Alice in Wonderland. She says, wow, nice costume. It’s really a mobster, security detail look. He says, very funny. He got here as soon as possible. She says, he gets points for that, and he says, besides, nobody’s going to be looking at him. She asks how he got the night off, and he says, Sonny told him that he didn’t have to work tonight, so he didn’t ask questions. He just grabbed the opportunity. She says she’s glad he did – he kisses her – but they should probably go or else they won’t get out of here. She really wants to see Trina and Spencer. He says, okay then. Let’s get going. They leave, and Adam shuffles out from around the corner. He’s getting good at this lurking thing.

Cody tries to hang a ghost on Sasha’s door, but it falls, and she says, told him. He says, this thing is surprisingly heavy for a ghost, and she says, maybe it’s real. He says, maybe they have to use real magic then, and takes some tape from her. He says, hocus pocus, shazam, and steps away. The ghost stays, and he says, magic. She says, magic tape, and he says, behold. Her abode is now goblin friendly, and fab-boo-lous. She says she can’t believe it. He’s turned her boring apartment into a haunted mansion, but he says, let’s not go overboard. He just ran to the bargain mart and grabbed whatever they had left. But this witch’s hat had her name written all over it. He puts a blue sparkly witch’s hat on her head, and she asks if he’s implying she’s a witch. He says, she definitely cast a spell on him (groan), and she is quite enchanting. She says, that’s very sweet of him to say, and honestly, she appreciates him thinking of her tonight, but he doesn’t have to feel obligated to check up on her. He asks if that’s what she thinks he’s doing, and she says, isn’t he? but he says, she’s got it all wrong. He’s not checking up on her. He’s just making it easier for her to check up on him.

Maxie tells Carly that she has an errand to run. She’s going to leave James here. She’ll either be back to get him or her mom will come. Is that okay? Carly says, she has an errand to run on Halloween? and Maxie says, wish her luck. Carly says, good luck, and don’t worry about James; she’ll keep an eye on him. Maxie says, she’s a lifesaver. And hats off to her for staging this flawless soirée. Carly says she’ll take it. That’s a compliment coming from Maxie.

Wiley says, they flew on his grandpa’s private jet, and he got to meet the pilot, but James says, no way. He’s making that up. Wiley says he is not. He high-fived him. Ask grandpa. They go over to Sonny, and Wiley says, tell James about the jet. Sonny says, what about the jet? and James says, he really has one? With a pilot? Sonny says, yes, it’s true. He cannot lie. Wiley says he told James that he wasn’t lying, and Willow tells him, remember what they said about the word gracious? Wiley says he guesses, and she says, gracious winners don’t gloat. He asks what gloat means, and she says, it means he needs to apologize to James. Wiley tells her, James said he was lying, and she just looks at him. He tells James, okay, he’s sorry, and Sonny says he’ll show James the jet this weekend and take him on an adventure. James asks if he means it, and Wiley says, grandpa does not tell lies. Willow says, it sounds fun. Maybe Grandma Nina, daddy, Wiley’s sister, and she could join in and make it a family day. Nina says, that’s a wonderful idea, and Wiley and James high-five. Nina asks if James is ready for a jet-setting lifestyle. It’s going to be very special for all of them.

Danny asks if Sonny means it. He’ll actually take them up in the plane? Sonny says, sure. The real question is, where are they going to go? James says, they can go anywhere? and Sonny says, within reason. James says, how about the biodome in Montreal? It’s like the rainforest and Antarctica all in the same place. And there are monkeys and turtles that have been alive for over 100 years. Willow tells Wiley, that sounds too cool to pass up, and asks Nina if she’s still going to Paris for work or can she come with them. Nina looks at Michael, who shakes his head slightly, and I can’t write here what I say to him, since the blog is PG. Nina says she took care of her Paris business without having to go to Paris, but the weekend is still really busy. She has a big deadline. Sonny says, she can spare a day, and she says she’d love to – she glances at Michael again – but she really can’t. Wiley says, please, and Michael says, they have to respect his her decision. Sonny says, they’ll do something with Grandma Nina some other time, and Nina tells them to have a great time without her. Make sure they take a lot of video for her.

Sam walks in, and hugs Scout, asking if Scout missed her. Scout says, they need her on their team. She’s the best at cornhole. The only one better is daddy.

Trina and Spencer walk into the gallery, and Trina says she never thought she’d be so happy to escape a party. He says, it was a zoo. It was loud and crowded… She says, and obnoxious, and he says, and way too many dudes trying to hit on her. She says, kudos for him. He was this close to throwing some punches at someone, wasn’t he? He says he was, and she says, good for him. Gold star. He says he thinks he deserves a little extra credit, and she says, here’s his bonus, kissing him.

Sasha says she hopes Cody won’t be too disappointed if no trick-or-treaters show up. He says, you never know. It pays to be prepared. A horde of sugar crazed children might show up at her door like a zombie apocalypse. She says she supposes it could happen, but honestly, if it doesn’t, she’s really glad he brought all this candy, because given the state of her finances after Gladys raided her bank account, it might be the only food in the house for a while. He says he still can’t believe Gladys did that to her. Talk about a witch. She says she’s sorry she brought that up. She’ll be fine, she promises. She just needs to find herself some work. There’s a knock at the door (opportunity!), and Cody says, what did he tell her? They put their hats on and open the door, but it’s Maxie.

Felicia says, it looks like she caught Anna in the middle of something, and Anna says, all of this was in storage. It’s just old books and documents from her early years at the WSB. Her phone rings, and she says, it’s Valentin. Felicia tells her not to leave him hanging. She’ll make some more tea. She goes to the kitchen, and Anna answers, happy Halloween. He says, happy Halloween to her too, and she says, it’s good to hear his voice. He says, it’s always good to hear her. How’s the apartment? Sorry he couldn’t get away to help her settle in. She says, that’s okay. He had all those burnt pumpkin bars to take care of. How’s Charlotte now? Is she okay? He says, she’s better, and Anna says, Robert helped her earlier, and Felicia is with her now actually. He says, that’s great, and asks Anna how she is. Anna says she’s fine. She’s always armed, so he shouldn’t worry about her. He says he likes worrying about her, and she asks what he’s doing. He says, at the moment, he’s bracing himself to take four teenagers trick-or-treating, and she says, sounds scary. He says he thinks this may be the most dangerous mission of his life, and she laughs.

Spencer takes out his phone, and Trina says, he’s not texting Esme to check on Ace, is he? He says, no. Quite the opposite. He’s trying to connect to the gallery’s speaker because he’d like to dance with her. She says, in that case, follow her, and she takes his phone.

Josslyn says, Dex should have seen his face when the cops showed up, and he asks how she could. She was too busy yelling, drive around the block, drive around the block! She says she didn’t want to miss the action. She was looking for Spencer and Trina. He asks if that’s why she was recording on her phone, and she says, it was funny watching all the frat guys scurrying about when the lights came on. They go into her room, and she says, he’s telling her that wasn’t funny? Adam shows up, and says, they’re back. Josslyn says, the party could have been legendary, but the second they showed up, the cops did. So they opted for food instead. She holds up a takeout bag, and says, happy Halloween. Dex suggests Adam steer clear of Xavier Hall. It’s not a pretty scene right now. Josslyn says, bye, and closes the door.

Maxie says she was thrilled to get Sasha’s text. Knowing she’s staying in town is such a relief. They could have made it work if she left town, but Sasha being based here will help them launch the new campaign. Cody says, new campaign? and Maxie says, with the lawsuit officially behind them, they can relaunch The Deceptor and unveil their new line with Sasha as the Face of Deception. Sasha says, her? After all the bad PR? Maxie says, full transparency, they toyed with the idea of bringing in a new face, but Tracy of all people, insisted on rehiring Sasha, and Maxie is glad she did. Cody says, Tracy Quartermaine? and Maxie says, yeah. She is now the majority shareholder of Deception. Cody says, color him impressed. Maybe she’s not so ruthless after all. Maxie says she wouldn’t go that far, and Cody says, at least she made the right choice. Maxie says, the ball’s in Sasha’s court. Does she still want to be the Face of Deception? Sasha says, yes! She thanks Maxie and says, Maxie has no idea how much this means to her. They hug, and Maxie tells her, welcome back. Cody asks if she wants some candy, but Maxie says she has to go back to Kelly’s and get James. Carly is throwing a Halloween party for the little ones, so happy Halloween. It’s going to be a great new chapter for all of them. She leaves.

Wiley says, ready to lose? and Avery says, only in his dreams. Michael says, focus, captains. They have to finish picking teams. Avery has two more. She says, Aiden, but he says he’s Switzerland here; strictly an impartial observer. She says, okay then, Sam… and Mama Carly. Wiley says he gets mommy and Grandma Nina. Michael says, the first team to touch their noses gets first play. Ready… Set… Go. He says, Willow was last, and Wiley whines, mommy... She says, sorry, champ.

Cornhole is played, and there’s laughing and cheering. They all kind of stink, but Nina gets one in, and Wiley hugs her. She picks him up, much to Michael’s annoyance.

Anna says, if there’s a clue in here at all that can lead her to who’s targeting her… She believes it’s someone from the WSB or an agent from back in the day. Just a breadcrumb in amongst all the chaos that could trigger a memory or something. A name would be perfect. She would love if she could find a name. Felicia says she could help Anna sift through all of this stuff tomorrow. She doesn’t have to be at the hospital until mid-afternoon. Anna says, it just has to be her… and a strong cup of tea, thanks to Felicia, and Felicia says, okay, but Anna has to promise to call her if anything unexpected comes up. And for heaven’s sake, stay vigilant. Anna says, Felicia doesn’t have to worry about her, and Felicia says she should go. She promised Maxie that she’d pick up James at Carly’s Halloween bash. Anna walks her to the door and thanks her for coming around and her gift. She loves it. They hug, and Felicia says, take care. Anna double locks the door, and looks at the stuff spread out.

Valentin asks, where’s Charlotte? and Danny says, she had some last-minute issue with her costume. Valentin calls to her, let’s go. They’re running out of time for trick-or-treating. Charlotte comes out dressed as a cheerleader, and Valentin says he didn’t expect that. Charlotte says, what’s the matter? Doesn’t he like it? He says, it’s great. Let’s get going. He’ll bring the car around. He leaves, and Jake asks, what’s with the backpack? They’re not getting that much candy. She says she’s just bringing a sweater. It can get chilly out there. Danny says he thought she was going to be the hermit figure from her tarot card deck, but she says she changed her mind. The way Valentin was looking, I assume this costume has some significance.

Aiden thanks Carly for the party, and she thanks him for helping the girls decorate cookies. He asks if she means desecrate cookies, but she says, not once he started to show them how to do it. Avery’s a big fan.

Maxie arrives and runs into Felicia outside. They hug, and James runs out. He says, guess what? Wiley’s grandpa has a jet and he’s going to take them to Antarctica. Felicia says, really? and he says, not exactly. The Montreal Biodome. Maxie says, that’s almost cooler, and James says, good one mom, cooler, and they laugh.

Sam tells Carly, it was excellent. The kids had so much fun. Carly says she’s so happy everyone could get together. Scout thanks her for the cookies and asks if she can take some extra for daddy. Carly says, sure can, handing some to her, and Scout tells Sam that she wants to save it for when daddy gets home; he loves chocolate. Sam, Aiden, and Scout leave, and Sonny tells the girls to say goodnight to Carly, who says, they’re going to need these for a sleepover. She gives them cookies, and they hug her. She says, goodnight to her sweetest girls, and Donna says, this was the best day, and not too scary. Willow asks if Wiley is ready, and Michael tells him to say goodnight to his grandmother. He hugs Carly, and then Nina, telling her, it’s not her fault they lost. They hug again, and Willow tells Michael, Wiley sure loves his grandma Nina. Steam comes out of Michael’s ears.

Cody says, so the Face of Deception rides again, and Sasha says, it would seem so. He tells her, don’t look so happy. Cheer up, the tides are turning. She says she knows, but why on earth would Tracy Quartermaine stick with her after all the tabloid scandals? He says, could be – and he’s just spitballing here – that Tracy thinks she’s talented and the best woman for the job. She says she appreciates his faith in her, but… There’s a knock at the door, and he says, this is it. Go time. He puts her hat on her head and hands her the candy bucket, and she goes to the door.

There’s a song part, and Trina and Spencer dance and kiss.

Josslyn tells Dex, this costume is cute, but she feels like she’s wearing a straitjacket. He says he has just the cure for that, and she says, please, help me, doctor. He unzips her dress, and they get busy.

Adam looks online at his grade. He pulls at his hair and says, stupid.

Anna picks up some reports to look at. She flips through some pages, then focuses on one. She gasps and says, my God, that’s it. She quickly puts the folder back together and leaves.

Valentin tells the kids that their chariot awaits. Trick-or-treating ends at 9 pm, even if they only get twenty minutes on the trail. They file out, and Valentin asks Charlotte to lock the door. She stands in the doorway, looking at Anna’s keys, and Jake asks, what’s that for? She says, this is the key to getting everything she wants.

Tomorrow, Anna tells Robert that she knows exactly who she’s up against; Laura tells Doc, who knows what kind of lies he filled her head with; Carly tells Sam, what happened in Puerto Rico seems to have changed everything; and Valentin tells the kids, stay right where you are.

Southern Charm

Shep calls his mom and says he’s taking the guys to the house in Linville.

After the party, JT’s space looks a mess, and he tries to clean it. Rod joins him, and says, there was a lot going on. JT says, Craig was trying to give him Big D*ck Energy, but it was really Tiny Pillow Energy. Rod says, Craig is half-adult, half-child inside, and JT says he’d wanted the meal to give Olivia a sense of normalcy. The last thing he wanted was for it to be WWIII. Rod says, Taylor was caught in four lies, and JT says he thinks she’s an angel who’s been beaten to sh*t by Shep. Just because people make bad decisions, doesn’t make them bad people. In JT’s interview, he says he wasn’t easy to be around after his divorce. He has to wonder if someone isn’t trustworthy or are they going through pain. Rod says, the only way Olivia will be friends with Taylor again is if she never lies again. If a new story comes out, like Taylor sleeping with Austen, he can’t see Olivia getting over it. JT says, it burns him that Austen is the biggest liar. He was just sitting there like a coward. Rod says, he was thankful he wasn’t on the skewer.

Austen meets Olivia at the park for coffee. He says he was thrown for a f***ing loop about Taylor sending Whitney the nude pic, and Olivia says, it was a strange decision. She doesn’t know what Taylor was thinking, sending it to Whiteny. She asks if Austen got one, but he says he never got a nudie from Taylor. She says she and Taylor haven’t talked about it. They’ve talked about everything else, and Taylor’s been there for her, but she just wants to be happy with their friendship like she is with Austen. In Olivia’s interview, she says, Austen stepped up for her after the funeral. He dropped off some food and she talked to him, and they hugged. Having someone who understands how it feels to lose a sibling come through and be there is comforting. Austen tells her that he’s been talking to a therapist and thinks maybe he doesn’t make it clear to the people in his life how important they are. The talk that he and Olivia had at Shep’s dinner – we flash back to Olivia telling him that he didn’t know how to be a friend – made him aware. She thought he didn’t care about their relationship, and he doesn’t want it to be that way again. He wants her to know how important she is. Olivia says she wants to trust him, but doesn’t know how. She has a mental blockage. Yeah, it’s called repeatedly being kicked in the ass, or in more concise terms, experience. In Austen’s interview, he says, he’s trying to take the mature approach and let Olivia work out her feelings. But he’s going to continue to push through the ice wall if it kills him. He tells her that it always goes back to proper communication. He’s heard it from other people. Yes, when more than one person is calling you a donkey, check the mirror for long ears. Olivia says she’s not talking to Taylor anytime soon about her feelings. At the time, she told Taylor that Austen said he loved her, and she’d given him a chance, but he f***ed up. Austen says, that was the truth. He loves her and knows he hurt her, but he also knows they’re supposed to be in each other’s lives. Olivia says she wants to lean in to what he’s saying, but she’s in a bit of a funk. It’s nice to be around him and not be daydreaming about how to kill him. Austen says he’ll continue to text her movie quotes and things like that. Olivia says she appreciates the direct line of communication, and Austen says he wants to keep it going. She says she looks forward to it. Dare I say it? There might be hope for Austen yet, but I think the key here is therapy. He was on Watch What Happens Live and said he’s doubling up on his sessions. Alex Cooper also told him to go outside the  friend circle, which is great advice. It’s definitely part of the problem with this group. Even though Criag is technically seeing someone from outside, she’s still in the God-awful Summer/Winter House.

Shep meets Whitney at a beach bar for lunch, and brings along Little Craig, so of course this is the highlight of the show right here. Little Craig also sits at the table with them. Whitney says, dogs work on a reward system. Their dogs are spoiled, feral animals. Shep says, Whitney should have told him about the nude photo, but instead, he showed it to everyone else. That’s not cool. Whitney says he thought it was just a joke; he wasn’t concealing it. (Sigh. Really?) Shep says, they’ve known each other for a long time. He wishes Whiteny had told him, especially since he was showing the photo to their friends. It sucks. Whitney says he deleted it, and Shep asks if it was explicit. Whitney says, no, and Shep tells him that Taylor said it was dark. Whitney says – wait for it – he doesn’t remember. Gets that many nudes, does he? He says he was joking about it with his mom, and thinks it’s been made more serious than it was. Shep says, Taylor needs support, an ally. Taylor’s a f***ing island, and he hates it for her, and feels guilty. In Shep’s interview, he says, it pains him to see Taylor morally and spiritually lost, and he feels responsible. We flash back to Madison ripping into Taylor, and Taylor saying she just went through a breakup that crushed her. In his interview, Shep says, they were in love, and he hurt her and he has guilt. He tells Whitney that he needs to get out of town, and tells him about the trip to Linville. Whitney isn’t able to make it, and Shep says, they’re just going to cook steaks and fish. He knows JT is a lot to deal with; he’s kind of nerdy. Whitney says he thinks JT is cool. He’s amusing. My take on these two. In some ways, Shep can be a really good friend, oddly enough, to women; he’s too competitive with other men. And to give him credit, he never lies about wanting to get married. At least not on camera. As for Whitney? Pffft. He’s Whitney and lives with Patricia. What more can be said? They’re a force unto themselves.

Taylor’s Penny has to wear a panty, and I understand since I had a female unneutered Peke. Luckily, she enjoyed wearing clothes, and Penny doesn’t seem to mind either. Taylor calls mom Leslie, who asks how she is. Taylor says, there’s been little things going on with a lot of people, and she thinks she wants to come home; get out of the house. Leslie asks if she’s okay, and Taylor says, she will be. In Taylor’s interview, she says, when things are difficult, she wants to be with her family. They’re so loving and want her to grow. No matter what she does, they love and care for her. She tells Leslie that she feels like everybody is against her, and Leslie says she’s sorry. Taylor says she’s working on it. Leslie says, she screwed up like we all do, and Taylor says she breached Olivia’s trust. She wants to move past it, but with Connor passing, they put the conversation on pause. She’d like to invite Olivia to the lake house, where they can revisit it if Olivia is ready. Leslie thinks it’s an outstanding idea, and in her interview, Taylor says, where to begin with the lake house. She’s been going there since she was three. Her grandparents and aunt and uncle live down the road. It’s a happy oasis. Leslie says, it’s a perfect place for healing, and Taylor says she’ll always love and value Leslie. Leslie says, Taylor will do the right thing. Now these girls. Olivia seems to be overreacting, but it’s not about Taylor being with Austen when he was telling Olivia that he still loved her. She knows Austen is a lying liar who lies. It’s about her BFF not telling her. I think they’ll eventually work it out.

The guys pack for Linville, and driver Jacob pulls up to Shep’s in an RV size van. Rod brings bourbon, and Craig calls it the bang bus because he’s five. In Austen’s interview, he says, it’s not normal to be confined in a small space with someone who’s trying to date your ex. Strap him to the roof of this bus. JT gets out of the car, and whoever brought him (probably his mom) drives off with his stuff, and he has to chase the car.

Six hours to Linville. Shep says, they’re going fly fishing, and JT says he’s never caught a fish. Craig complains that he paid extra to get Valentine stuff delivered to Paige, but it’s not there yet. He asks for everyone’s relationship status, and Rod says he’s openly dating, Austen and JT are single, and Rodrigo says, tied down. Craig says, Austen doesn’t know how to be alone. On the road, Taylor calls Shep, who tells her, happy Valentine’s Day. She asks if he was going to ask her to be his Valentine, but he says, Valentine’s Day is for losers and weak people; he hates it. He asks how she is, and she says she’s good. She’s going to Asheville tonight to spend time with her parents. Then she’s hoping Olivia comes tomorrow, and they can have a talk has. He says he’s having a caterer come tomorrow and they have extra room. It would be awesome if she came up. Taylor says she’d love to, but they’ll see. Keep her updated. Shep tells the guys that Taylor will be 45 minutes from them, and Rod says, there will be a lot of testosterone in the house. They need some pretty girls.

4 hours to Linville. The frat boys swig bourbon.

3 hours to Linville. The frat boys are sleeping.

2 hours to Linville. Shep points out that the topography is changing. Craig looks at his phone and wonders why a signature is required for flowers.

1 hour to Linville. Craig wonders if pandas are real, and JT tells him that they are. In Shep’s interview, he says he thinks Craig’s got a screw loose, and we flash back to Craig screaming about walking backwards the rest of his life if he gets a crazy government shot. I assume he means the covid vaccine. Rodrigo asks Craig why he doesn’t think they’re real, and Craig says, there’s no evidence. In Craig’s interview, he says, pandas are definitely not real. They’re people in panda suits.  Um… I saw the pandas. They don’t look like people in suits. They look like pandas.

Olivia arrives at the lake house bearing wine, and gets lots of hugs from Leslie and dad Rick. They hug Penny too, Leslie saying how much she’s grown. In Olivia’s interview, she says, it’s a mountain oasis. When they’re there, they hang out, build a fire, drink wine, and relax. They used to not have a TV and really unplug, but now they have TV and WiFi. Olivia’s grandparents Marshall and Baba come over, and in her interview, Olivia says, her grandparents have been married nearly 70 years and that’s wild. She can’t think of 70 years of her own life, much less spending that much time with someone else, but it’s what she wants. Her brother Worth joins them with girlfriend Caroline, and Worth points out that Penny is wearing a diaper. Olivia says, she’s a woman now. Worth wonders when everyone stopped using the word courting, and Olivia says, now you have to DTR, define the relationship. She asks how long Marshall and Baba have been married, and Marshall says, 67 years. Baba says, she’s now reaping the rewards. He’s doing everything she says. But you have to wait until 65 years before they start obeying.

The frat boys arrive at the Linville house, and Shep gives out rooms. The house is so huge, it could be a hotel. In Shep’s interview, he says his family has been going to Linville since the 50s. His grandfather built the place, and his mom went there as a kid. The surroundings are beautiful, with streams and golf and fishing; all the stuff that makes him happy. They get fires going outside and inside, and Shep says his mom stocked the house with food. He and Rodrigo make burgers, and Rod texts JT from upstairs, asking him to bring a White Claw. Rod tells JT that Austen is proving zero benefit of all doubts, and he’s pretty sure something happened between him and Olivia. Meanwhile, Craig wants to talk to Austen, and they go to Craig’s room. Rodrigo tells Shep, welcome to ADHD kitchen. Austen tells Craig about meeting up with Olivia, and Craig tells him that Rod thinks something happened. Rod tells JT that he was out with a girlfriend that Austen’s dated here and there. After they saw each other, she went by Austen’s since he was around the corner. She saw Austen’s ottoman had a bra on it. Since Austen had Olivia over, he’s assuming it’s hers. I feel like I just typed a scene out of Mean Girls. Or CSI.

Austen tells Craig that he and Olivia met for coffee, talked, and went to lunch. Olivia wanted to watch a movie with him like it used to be, but they sat on opposite sides of the couch. Then they watched three-quarters of an Ashton Kutcher rom-com, his favorite. Craig asks if it was Friends with Benefits. Again on WWHL, Austen said he thought it was Just Married, but wasn’t sure. Andy was skeptical that he wouldn’t remember, but I’m not, since they’re basically all the same. Austen says, guess who left their bra on the pouf? I wonder, who calls it a pouf?

JT rants to Rod that it’s not okay behavior. Austen is getting away with murder. Rod says he went to Austen like a gentleman to tell him he wanted to pursue Olivia. Why do these boys always talk about women like they’re prey? Rod says, now he’s watching Austen f*** with her feelings, and JT says he’s sure if the bra came off, something happened. Let me interject this. Not necessarily. JT knows nothing about wearing a bra – at least I don’t think so – but it often comes off even before the shoes after a long day. Craig asks Austen if he and Olivia hooked up, and Austen says, no. In Craig’s interview, he says he thinks it’s crossing the line. It’s not the right time to invite Olivia over, but Austen’s an idiot. I love how everyone knows what’s good for Olivia more than she does. Austen is actually looking like the shining star in this episode.  Austen says he would tell Craig, but nothing happened, so it’s not worth bringing up. Craig says, Austen shouldn’t tell anyone but him.

Rod says he’s disappointed in Austen, and in his interview, he says he could be upset at Austen, Olivia, or both, but he doesn’t know what to do with it. He’s nervous that Austen wants her again. Hello? Olivia has a say. What’s with these guys? JT says he can’t keep quiet, and Rod says, when Austen looks at him wrong, he’s going to bring it up. Shep goes outside to grill, and Rod and Austen come back downstairs. Shep says, mac and cheese and burgers are a euphemism for his childhood. It’s his happy place. JT keeps baiting Austen, and in JT’s interview, he says he’s getting upset. He can’t watch Austen get away with murder. Austen thinks he walks on water, but JT sees everything, and Austen is hurting people. Now I want a burger. Ooh, mushrooms! Now I want mushrooms on that burger. Craig says, the burger process never looks clean, but the end result is pretty great. They toast to friends, and we get a lesson from Shep how, in the town where sriracha is made, fumes hang in the air and everyone goes around coughing and teary eyed. In his interview, Austen says, there’s so much sh*t going on, the last thing he needs is JT chiming in like a mosquito in his ear. They talk about cooking, and JT says he loves to stir a pot. I’m not sure if he’s trying for a double meaning or it’s a Freudian slip. Rod says he was going to enjoy his mac and cheese, but he has to be blunt. He heard Austen and Olivia hung out, then one of his girlfriends came over later. Austen says, so what? and Rod says, she told him there was a bra on the ottoman. Shep asks, whose bra? Do they realize how ridiculous they are when they see this later? Probably not.

Craig says, she got comfy, and JT says, you take your shoes off when you want to get comfy. What I said. Austen says, nothing happened. They cuddled, she hugged him and kissed him on the chest, and left. Craig thinks Austen and Rod should talk in private, so they go outside. At the table, Rodrigo says, enough, since he’s the only sane one, and JT says, enough of Austen getting away with murder. Craig says, Olivia is just as guilty, but JT says, they don’t hold Austen accountable. Shep says, that would cause a disturbance in the force, and in Shep’s interview, he says, Austen doesn’t know how to be accountable. He wants Austen to change, but doesn’t think it will ever happen. Outside, Austen says he was hoping to speak to Rod, and Rod says he let his imagination go wild, but in what world would they not have made out. Austen says he has nothing to hide. He admits it brought back feelings, but he can’t answer why he did it. In Rod’s interview, he says he wants Austen to admit he did more than he realized and he’s hurting people. That’s not what being a gentleman is about. Austen tells Rod that he’s not trying to get Olivia back. He would only hurt her again. Rod says he heard the story, but doesn’t believe Austen is telling the truth. He thinks they made out. Austen says, that’s not what it was. If Rod wants to be head over heels for someone, he’s not getting in the way. Rod says he hears Austen and his subtone, and I laugh. Subtone? What?

Inside, Craig says, JT’s not Olivia’s boyfriend, and JT wails that she has feelings. Craig says, they didn’t hook up, but JT says, there was a bra on the chair. Pay attention, JT. It was an ottoman or pouf, not a chair. Rod tells Austen that the chemistry is there, and Austen says he’s not against it. He doesn’t want to see it, but he’s not trying to sabotage Rod. He’s trying to change every aspect in his life. That’s why he’s in therapy, and that’s it. Rod says he’s not rushing things, and Austen asks, what’s his plan of action? Rod says he’s going to sleep on it like a mature adult, have a conversation with her, listen, and go from there. Then, who knows?  

This season, a boat trip; an island trip; snorkeling; waterfalls; Craig wants a wife and family; Madison wants a baby, but not bedrest; Shep says, Austen doesn’t give a f**** about anyone but himself; JT says he would marry Taylor tomorrow; Shep feels trapped; and tinfoil hats.

🧸 Gummi Bear’s Picnic…

Join me tomorrow for soap, enough tea for a proper Englishwoman, quotes, and a musical moment. Until then stay safe, stay remembering the clock change this weekend (fall back), and stay understanding that just because people make bad decisions, that doesn’t make them bad people.