What I Watched Today

(rambling, random thoughts & annoyingly detailed recaps from real time TV watching)

General Hospital

Brook says, voicemail again? and wonders why Chase isn’t calling her back. She leaves a message, saying, she hopes he isn’t having second thoughts. It’s important. She fully expects to see him at the Haunted Star in a half hour. Be there. She goes inside to the nook, and Michael and Willow are coming in. She asks if they’re still coming. Tonight is open mic night at the Haunted Star. Michael says, that’s tonight? and Willow says, they’re so sorry. Brook asks how they could forget. This is Chase’s big debut.

Finn holds the heavy bag, as Chase punches, and we see Chase has a number of missed calls and messages. Finn asks if Chase is done yet, but Chase says, not yet. Finn says, they’ve been here a few hours. Unless Chase has a personal vendetta against this bag, he’s guessing there’s something Chase doesn’t want to do. Chase makes a face, and Finn says, and by Chase’s reaction, he’s guessing it has something to do with Brook. Chase says, he told her that he’d sing at the Haunted Star on open mic night. Finn says, great, what time? and Chase asks if Finn isn’t meeting Elizabeth. Finn says, no, and Chase says, but she’s back. Finn says, she is, but she needs to spend some time with her boys. Chase asks if it’s Elizabeth’s way of keeping Finn at arm’s length, but Finn says, no. He thinks this time, things are good. Nice diversion, by the way. They were talking about Chase. So when is this open mic thing? Chase says, it doesn’t matter. He can’t go.

Spinelli answers his phone, greetings and salutations, and Cody says, Spinelli. Spinelli asks, to whom is he speaking? and Cody says, his buddy, Cody Bell. Spinelli says he has no desired acquaintance who bears that moniker, and starts to hang up, but Cody says, whoa. Tonight’s his date with Britt Westbourne, so he needs the 4-1-1. Likes, dislikes, what does she look for in a man? Spinelli says, so he can deceive her? but Cody says, so he can get another date. Spinelli says, he cannot… Nay, he will not abet Cody’s deceptions. Lose this number. He ends the call, and Cody says, fine. He guesses he’ll just have to wing it. There’s a knock at the stable door, and Britt says, hello? He says, she’s early, and she says, all the better to get this over with. Who is he talking to, and what does he have to wing?

At the Haunted Star, Maxie asks if Mac is excited about MC’ing tonight, and he says he is. He knows her mom really wanted to be here tonight, but since she’s feeling under the weather, he had to dust off his old skills and pitch in. She tells him, break a leg, and he says, thanks… he thinks. Austin arrives, and Maxie thanks him for rolling with the change of plans. She knows it’s not exactly the super romantic date they talked about. He says, it’s going to be super fun, and he loves how she supports her family. She says, that’s great, and promises they’ll go on a date with just the two of them very soon. They’re about to kiss when Spinelli says, buenos noches. Maxie says she didn’t know he was going to be here tonight, and Spinelli says he couldn’t pass up a chance to mingle. Austin asks Spinelli to join them, and Maxie suggests Austin grab them a couple of drinks. Surprise her. Spinelli says he’ll have a beer, and Austin says, of course (🍷). He leaves, and Spinelli says, it looks like it’s going to be a smash. Maxie asks why he’s stalking her.

Elsewhere on the boat, Epiphany says she appreciates Marshall bringing her out, but the MCATs are really soon, and she needs to study. He says he knows she agrees music is good for the soul. So he’s guessing it’s got to be good for the brain as well. She laughs, and he says, come on. She says, fine. One drink. He says, one drink… and a song.

Sasha asks Brando to check on her discharge papers again; they’re taking forever. He says he doesn’t think they’ll appreciate him checking every five minutes, when Nina walks in. She says hello to them, and hands Sasha a bag, saying, she brought some clothes and toiletries in case Sasha needs them. Sasha thanks Nina, and says she can’t tell Nina how much she appreciates this. Brando says he’ll go check on the discharge papers, and leaves. As Brando goes past the elevator, Sonny comes out with Dex. Sonny says he was hoping to run into Brando, and Brando says, Sonny… Dex, and I laugh because it’s so obvious from his change in tone, he doesn’t like Dex. Sonny gives Dex a look, and Dex moves along. Sonny asks how Sasha is doing, and Brando says, Dr. Sheffer recommends they transfer Sasha to Shadybrook (all things to all people) for rehab. Sonny asks what Sasha thinks of that, and Brando says, she insists all she needs is rest, and that she can get at home. Sonny asks what Brando thinks, and Brando says he just wishes he understood how his wife got here in the first place.

Sasha says, Nina thought of everything. She’s going to get changed. Nina says she thinks that can wait. She’d like to talk to Sasha first. Sasha says she loves Nina, and appreciates everything Nina is doing for her, but she’s going home tonight, so do not try to stop her.

Chase says he knows he’s not a detective anymore… Finn says, right at the moment, and Chase says, but it doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes to see Finn is still worried about Elizabeth. Finn says he sees a bag; he’s going to go punch it. Chase says, Finn… and Finn says he admits he was a little thrown when Elizabeth checked herself out of Shadybrook, but she came back and they talked, and she says she really wants to be with him. Chase says, that’s great. What’s wrong? Finn says, nothing’s wrong. It just seems fast, that’s all. Chase says, for them to get back together? but Finn says, for Elizabeth to be back to normal. It seems almost too good to be true.

Michael asks if Willow is up for a night out, and Brook asks if she’s not feeling well. Willow says, she’s fine. In fact… Does Michael want to tell her? Michael says he’d be honored. He and Willow are having a baby. Brook squeals, and hugs Willow, saying, congratulations. She’s sorry. Did she just hug Willow too hard? The only pregnancy she ever had was a complete fraud, and she only pretended to read the books. Willow says she’s great, and Brook suggests they go out and celebrate, like tonight. It’s never too early to expose your kid to some culture. Michael says he’s not sure amateurs covering top 40 pop songs is considered culture, but Willow says, babies love music in utero. Michael says, all right. Then they’ll be there. Brook says, great. She just hopes Chase doesn’t get cold feet. She dashes out the door.

Sonny and Brando sit, and Sonny asks if Brando has to get back to Sasha, but Brando says, Nina is with her. The drugs are out of her system, and the doc said there’s no damage to her heart this time. Sonny says, thank God, and Brando says, but the drugs are just a symptom. They might have been a factor in Sasha’s breakdown, but not the cause. Sonny asks if he’s talked to Sasha about Liam, and Brando says, he’s tried. She just shuts down. He wants to tell her everything is going to be okay, but it feels like a lie every time he does. He’s trying to be supportive and honest at the same time, but it’s impossible. What is he supposed to do?

Nina says she fully supports and understands Sasha’s desire to go home, and Sasha says she’s sorry. She thought Nina was going to try to force her to go to rehab. Nina says she’s not, but it’s worth a conversation, doesn’t she think? Sasha says she’s not addicted. Those pills were just supposed to take the edge off. It was obviously a mistake to take them. She just didn’t want… Nina says, to feel. That’s it, isn’t it? She understands the pain you go through when you lose a child; she lost her daughter twice. It can really mess you up. If Sasha feels like she needs a break from the stress and pressure of the world – and there’s a lot out there, isn’t there? – a place like Shadybrook might help. It helped Nina more than she can tell Sasha. Sasha says she appreciates Nina’s understanding, but she doesn’t need a break. Nina asks if she’s sure about that, and Sasha says she can’t think of anything worse than sitting around obsessing about her problems. That’s why Dr. Sheffer has scheduled outpatient therapy sessions for her. Nina says, that’s wonderful, and Sasha says she knows she needs help, and she’s getting it. The worst really is over.

Mac asks Austin how to pronounce a name, and Austin says, Muh-zush-ka. Mac says, all he sees are consonants, and asks how Austin knew. Austin says, a Ukrainian arachnologist popped up once to study a spider; Nina Muzushka. Spelled it the same way. Mac says, maybe he’ll run it by her just to make sure, and Austin says, that’s always a good strategy.

Spinelli says he’s not stalking Maxie. He’s aghast. The very idea is an anathema. She says, when he starts using words she doesn’t understand, that only means one thing; Spinelli is hiding something. Spinelli says, very well. If he may be perfectly honest, he doesn’t think she and Austin are a perfect match.

Cody tells Britt, not important; he was just on the phone. Welcome to his not-so humble abode. She says, it looks great, and he says, it is great. She says she just can’t imagine living with horses, and he says he does have a little apartment upstairs. They don’t make him sleep in the hay. She asks where they’re going to dinner, and he says he thought they could eat here; outside, underneath the stars. He ordered from the MetroCourt. She says he ordered for her, and he says he knows how hard doctors work, and tonight, he just wants her to relax. He’ll take care of everything

Chase and Finn walk back into the gym, and Chase wonders, if he were a phone, where would he be? He sees it, and says, there you are. He looks at it, and says, and there you are. He shows Finn, who says, wow. That is a lot of missed calls… and voicemails… and texts. Chase says he’s been dodging Brook. Oh look, lucky number 11. Finn reads, don’t make me hunt you down. Be at the Haunted Star or else. Normally, he’d recommend Witness Protection, but knowing Brook, she’d probably find him. Chase says, if he gets up there tonight, he has to prove to everyone that he’s worth listening to. What if the audience doesn’t agree? Finn says, all Chase’s dreams will vanish, and he’ll have to go back to being a singing waiter. Chase says he’d rather be a singing waiter, and Finn asks, what’s the problem? Chase flashes back to telling Brook, Linc owns her songs. He punched Linc in the face. Linc’s not going to want anything to do with them, and now Brook wants Linc to manage him? She says, Linc is dirty. Once Linc buys out Chase’s contract, they’ll be in the perfect position to get the goods on him. Chase tells Finn, Brook has a plan, and Finn asks, when doesn’t she? Chase says, to get back at her former music producer that he punched, and Finn asks how he can help. Chase says, Finn can give him a doctor’s note to get out of it, and Finn says, done, but if Chase doesn’t want to sing for Brook, why doesn’t he just tell her?

Maxie tells Spinelli, she doesn’t need a matchmaker. She decides if she and Austin are a perfect match, not him. Be nice. Austin comes back with the drinks, and Spinelli thanks him for the ale; much appreciated. Brook comes in, and Maxie waves. Brook says she’s looking for Chase, and keeps moving. Mac gets on stage, and says, good evening, and welcome. He tells them to settle in with their favorite beverage, and get ready to be impressed. Open mic night is the night that might change someone’s life.

Cody asks if Britt is ready for that riding lesson, but she says she didn’t think he was serious. He says, obviously, she doesn’t have to ride, but come meet Comet. She says she can see him fine from here, and he says she doesn’t have to be nervous. The Q’s bought Comet for a child to ride; Comet is perfectly safe, he promises. She says she told him, she doesn’t like horses, and he says, so she’s made up her mind and that’s it? She says she knows what she likes and what she doesn’t like. Why won’t he let this go? He says he just wants her to try… and she tells him, she said no. He says, all right. They’re supposed to be on a date, right? They’re supposed to be putting forth their best effort to get to know each other, or at least try to. She says, and by choosing not to listen to her when she says she doesn’t like horses, is refusing to get to know her. He says, if you’re opposed to new experiences, you might as well be dead, and she says, maybe he’s not wrong. Maybe she has been a little stubborn. He says, so she’s telling him… and she says, let’s meet this Comet, and approaches the horse.

Sasha says, she knows she thanked Nina before, but that wasn’t enough. She really picked the perfect outfit. Sasha’s phone rings, and Nina hands it to her. She says, she can leave if Sasha wants to talk to Willow, but Sasha says she’s not ready. Nina asks if something happened between them, and Sasha says, no, nothing like that. She found out Willow is pregnant. Nina says, that must have been hard to hear.

Sonny says he hates that Brando is going through this tough time, and Brando says, Sasha is in so much pain. Whatever he’s going through or needs to feel can wait. Sonny tells him not to forget to take care of himself. Whatever pain he’s feeling doesn’t just go away. Brando says he hears Sonny, and Sonny says he hopes Brando does, because at least he feels like he’s giving Brando something helpful. Brando says, whatever Sonny tells him is always helpful. Talking like this… Sonny says, if Brando needs anything, he’s here; he promises.

Mac says he’s sure everyone will recognize their first performer from her show stopping performances at the Nurses Ball. Epiphany sings, and everyone gets totally into it, Marshall bopping to the music. Me too. She’s fabulous.

Britt backs away from Comet, and says, Comet wants to eat her, but Cody says, no. She says, he tried. She thinks she should go, but he says she can’t leave. They haven’t had dinner yet. She says, it’s obviously not working. According to him, she’s bad tempered, judgmental, and devoutly allergic to fun. Why does he want her to stay? He says, because underneath all that attitude, every once in a while, he sees a glimpse of a woman who’s whip smart, wickedly funny, and passionate about life. He just wants to get to know her a little bit better. Will she let him?

Michael tells Willow, the nanny is reading My Truck is Stuck to Wiley, and he seems very quiet and happy. He says they make a run for it. She says she’s ready, and he says, before he forgets, when is her next OB/GYN appointment? He wants to block out the time in his calendar. She says, he doesn’t have to come to every single appointment, but he says he wants to be involved. Jonah and Wiley births were very traumatic. This time, everything’s going to be different. She says, no cult leaders or sociopaths, and he says, just them and Wiley. She says, and 300 other members of his family, and he says, exactly. It’s crazy there’s no craziness. No threat lurking out there to ruin everything. So far, so good, huh? They hug.

There’s applause for Epiphany, and Marshall asks how she feels. She says, he was right. Music is good for the soul. He says, not only does she feel better, she lifted up every person in this room, and she says, he’s a smooth talker, but he says, he only speaks the truth. Brook looks at her phone, when Finn and Chase come in. She asks if it would kill Chase to return a phone call, and what is he wearing? He can’t go on stage dressed like that. He says, about that… when Linc comes over to them. Linc says, Brook Lynn… Detective… Is he still a detective? Brook tells him, get lost, but he says he just came over because he’s concerned about Brook. Does watching other people perform remind her of the talent she lost forever? She sure had a set of pipes on her. It’s a tragedy she can’t sing any longer. Why do some of these characters sound like they came out of a 1940s movie? She thanks him for his phony concern, but she’s better than ever. He says, is that so? and she says, it is. She found something she wants more than fame. Linc says, really? Would that be Chase?

Sasha says, Nina saw her meltdown on Home & Heart, didn’t she? and Nina says she did. Sasha says, it’s funny. She barely remembers it. But she does remember seeing Liam… She means, thinking she saw Liam. She knows he wasn’t there, but in the moment, she was so happy. And she knows it wasn’t the pills. They were responsible for the hallucination, but the feeling… Nina takes her hand, and says she knows the feeling. That you would do anything just to stop the pain. Sasha asks if she can tell Nina something, and Nina says, anything. Sasha says, part of her wishes she could live in that mirage. The feeling of him in her arms; he had weight, and warmth, and breath… and such a beautiful smile. She cries, and Nina holds her.  

Brando thanks Sonny for everything, as usual, and Sonny says, anytime. Brando says, whenever Sonny needs him, and Sonny says, he may need Brando for something. Brando says, name it, and Sonny says he wants Brando to give him the name of the paparazzi scum who gave Sasha drugs. Brando says, his name is Felty, and Sonny says, he and Felty are going to have a little talk. He’s going to make sure Felty never gives drugs to Sasha or anybody again. Brando says he wants in on that talk.

Linc asks if Chase is taking a turn on the stage, and Chase says, that’s why he’s here. Linc says, he’s a brave man. Crowds like this can be brutal. (Friends and family mostly?) He tells Chase, break a leg, and wanders off. Brook says, Chase is really doing it? and Chase says, that was the plan, right? She says she got the impression that he only showed up to turn her down, and he says, her former manager is probably the most disgusting person he’s ever met. He wants to give her the satisfaction of nailing him. She thanks him, says, come with her, and drags him over to the stage. Willow and Michael walk in, and Willow says, she had no doubt that Chase would come here for Brook,  but why is this performance so important to her. Michael says he doesn’t know, but with Brook, he’s learned it’s best not to ask too many questions. Spinelli babbles to Austin, and Maxie kicks him under the table. Austin asks if Spinelli is all right, and Spinelli says, he is indeed well. He asks if Austin was ever a Trekkie (isn’t it Trekker?), but Austin says he didn’t watch a lot of TV. He did see one of the movies he thinks. The one about the whales? Spinelli says, an excellent film.

On the patio, Cody says, this better is better, right? and Britt says, it certainly smells better. He says he guesses riding isn’t for everyone. He’s sorry. He shouldn’t have pushed her. So why don’t they just stay here and talk. That’s why they’re here, right? To get to know each other better? Britt says, okay. She’ll go first. So he’s lived in a lot of places. He says he has, and she asks, where? He says, any place that has mountains or prairies. How about her? She says she’s seen a lot of the world, and he says, it sounds like she’s had some adventures. She says she’s traveled for leisure, for education, once as an international fugitive, so yeah. He says he sees how that could wear down on you, and she says, it can… She’s not like him, enamored of the nomadic lifestyle. He says he used to love the life of a nomad, but he’s done his wandering. He just wants to put down roots. Maybe get a little house of his own. She says, white picket fence, SUV, a wife to bring him his slippers, but he says, his mom would tan his hide if he ever expected a woman to wait on him. She says, smart lady, and he says he just wants an equal partner; someone to grow old with, maybe raise a couple kids. She says, he wants kids? and he says, yes? She gets up, and he asks where she’s going. She says, home. This is a complete waste of time. What the hell was Zelda thinking, saying they were a match?

Sasha says she wants Nina to know she realizes having Liam with her was a fantasy, and Nina says, a beautiful fantasy. Of course (🍷) she understands why Sasha would yearn for that. Sasha says, so Nina doesn’t think she’s crazy? Nina says, if Sasha were to ask around, the majority opinion would be she’s not the perfect judge to define crazy or sanity, but no. Sasha isn’t crazy for wanting her baby back. Sasha says, as long as she knows that it can never happen, and Nina suggests it might be something Sasha should talk to Dr. Sheffer about. Sasha says, good idea. She’ll do that.

Sonny tells Dex, let him know when Felty is located, and Dex says he’s on it. If Sonny needs anything… Sonny says, don’t get carried away, but this is the time to impress him with how well he follows orders. Dex says, got it, and leaves. Brando asks if Sonny is going after Felty now. He’s sending that bastard? Sonny says, Brando said he wanted to go; he has every right. Brando says he wants to, but Sasha needs him more than he needs revenge. Besides, he trusts Sonny to take care of it. Sonny says, oh he will. He promises.

Brando goes back to Sasha’s room, and she says he was gone for a while. Is there a problem? He says, no. He just ran into Sonny, and they got to talking. Nina says, Sonny’s here? but Brando says, no, sorry. He’s got to take care of something. Nina says, as luck would have it, she has to get going too, and Sasha thanks her for everything. Nina says she loves Sasha, and she’s just a phone call away. Sasha says she knows, and Nina leaves. Sasha asks if Brando was really just talking to Sonny. They haven’t hit a snag with her discharge papers? He tells her, Deanna said her paperwork is on its way up, and she says, good. He asks why she would think there was a problem, and she says she knows he thinks it’s too soon for her to come home. He says he is concerned they’re jumping the gun, but it’s her call. And he’d never go behind her back like that. She says she knows; she’s sorry. He says, they’re a team, right? and she says, 100%.

Cody asks what he missed, and Britt says, he’s not at all the man she thought he was. He says he knows he didn’t make a great first impression, and she says, he’s so boring. (We hear crickets, and I wonder if it’s on purpose or coincidence.) She thought at least he’d have some good stories, traveling around like he as. He says he has great stories, and she says, it seems like they’re all in the past. All he wants to do now is sit on his porch and rock himself to sleep. He tells her, he never said any of that, but she says, and yet, he made it perfectly clear. So once and for all, goodbye. She hopes he finds a nice boring wife, who gives him lots and lots of kids; at least a dozen. She starts to walk out, and he says he doesn’t even want any kids. She asks what kind of game he’s playing.

We return to the Haunted Star, and more applause. Austin gets a text: Come to the starboard deck, or I come in and get you. Maxie says she hopes it’s not the hospital, and Austin says he’ll be back. Mac says, let’s hear it for Kathy Muzushka, and there’s more applause. He says, now for another one of the Nurses Ball favorites – Harrison Chase. Chase sings, and Brook smiles. It’s a weak start, but then he gets into it, and everyone claps along. He finishes to much applause.

Sasha says she just wants to fall face down on the bed with Brando, and stay there forever. Or until she gets hungry; then she wants pizza. He asks if she’s saying she missed him, and she says, he has to ask? It’s been a long, long 72 hours. He says he thought maybe she was mad at him for sticking her in there, but she says, he did exactly what she needed him to do; she just didn’t know it. He says, so they’re good? and she says, always. He says he really missed her too. He promises, no matter what, he’ll always be there. She says, he’d better, and they kiss.

Epiphany says, this has been fun, but she really needs to get back to studying, and Marshall says he hopes she learned the most important lesson tonight. She says, what’s that? and he says, never listen to a jazz man. They’re a bad influence. She laughs and says, but jazz men are known to have a good time, so she thought it was worth the risk. They leave, and Chase goes over to Brook and Finn. He says, was he…? and Brook says, amazing. Finn says, he wasn’t terrible at all. Chase says he started off a little shaky, but Brook says, trust her, performing is all about a strong finish. If you wow the audience at the end, no one cares how you started out. Finn says he’s so proud of Chase, when Willow and Michael join them. Willow says, Chase was fantastic, and hugs him. She says, he owned the stage, and Brook says, the best part is she was right; she loves being right. Michael says, they have to take off, but it was a helluva performance. He congratulates Chase, and Chase thanks him, saying, it means a lot. They leave, and Finn says he has to go too, but next time, he’s bringing dad. Chase says, if there is a next time, and Brook says, there will be a next time. Chase says, then bring everybody, and Finn leaves. Chase asks, did the fish take the bait? and Brook says, here’s to hoping. She’ll make herself scarce, and they’ll see what happens. She leaves, and Linc saunters over.

Spinelli asks where Dr. Gatlin-Holt disappeared to, and Maxie says, he had to take a call. Why does he ask? Itching for more Trekkie talk? He says, Austin is a good listener. Perhaps he’s been a tad over protective. She says, yes he has. Austin is a good man, and Spinelli has to start being nicer to him. Now.

Austin steps out on the deck, and sees a bald guy. He backs bald guy up, and says, they can’t be seen together. Bald guy says, careful. Austin is going to hurt his feelings. Austin says he was really clear about that when bald guy visited the campsite. What the hell is he doing here?

Cody says he’s not playing a game, and Britt says, he doesn’t want kids. Why did he say he did? He says, because, while having kids isn’t a high priority, he’d be open to it if his wife wanted them. She asks if he has a bridge he’d like to sell her while he’s at it. All he’s been doing is telling her what he thinks she wants to hear. Why? What does he want from her?

Sonny’s phone rings, and he says, talk to me. Dex says he found Felty, and Sonny says, good. Dex knows what to do. He’ll be there. Dex says, Sonny’s got it.

Linc tells Chase, congratulations, detective. It was a great performance. Chase asks what he wants, and Linc says, he wants to know, has Chase considered a career in music? Brook watches.

Tomorrow, Britt tells Cody, the time of death is right now; Portia tells Marshall, their side is going to need a miracle; Austin says he doesn’t answer to bald guy; and Selena tells Curtis that he doesn’t know how far her reach is.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Dorit calls LisaR, who says she’s better, and in Dorit’s interview, she says, just when you think you’re done with covid, here comes omicron. Erika, LisaR, and Garcelle all have it, but Dorit managed to dodge a bullet. It’s time. LisaR tells Dorit to let her know the gossip after she goes to Kyle’s lunch. Jamie Lee Curtis comes to Kyle’s house, and Kyle tells Jamie that she’s the most unrelaxed human being ever. She just colored her roots, her skin is dyed, and she’s running around like a chicken. Jamie says she doesn’t give sh*t about grey hair; she only cares about Kyle’s heart. That’s why she’s here. Not for any other reason. In Kyle’s interview, she says she’s known since 1978 when they did Halloween together. Although Jamie’s a big star, she’s down to earth, kind-hearted, and thoughtful. She’d reached out about Kyle doing some charity work for the Children’s Hospital of L.A. We see a clip of Jamie announcing that Kyle and Mauricio have joined First Families, which is a new level of giving. Kyle tells us, Jamie founded a company called My Hand in Yours, and 100% of the proceeds go to the hospital. Right now, they’re working on a fundraiser.

The women arrive, and in Diana’s interview, she says, she’s not in the mood for Sutton; not at all. Crystal says, three of their friends are sick, and Jamie says, it’s hard times. In Dorit’s interview, she says, oh my God, Jamie Lee Curtis! and pinches herself. They sit down for lunch, and Sutton sees she’s seated next to Diana. She tells Kyle, really? and Kyle makes a surprised face like it just dawned on her. In Kyle’s interview, she says, let’s be honest, Sutton was going to have an issue with someone somewhere. Somehow it gets switched – I guess by Diana – and Jamie says she’s learning a lot about the group already. Sutton tries to help Sheree (not that one) put an eyelash back on, but gets glue all over her eye. Jamie swoops in to the rescue. I’ll bet she’s a combination of Martha Stewart and Bob Villa at home. Dorit tells Diana that she heard Diana had lunch with Sutton, and asks how it went. Diana says, terrible, and we flash back to that. She shrugs, and tells Dorit that she’s repulsed by Sutton. She went home and scrubbed herself. In Diana’s interview, she says, it’s the truth. She exfoliated. She says, Sutton offends her space.

Dorit gushes over Jamie, who suggests she talk about why she’s here while they eat. She tells them about My Hand in Yours, and shows them the various products. Dorit exclaims some variation of that’s so chic! as each product is shown. Jamie shows a dog leash that has a cute My Paw in Yours charm, and I’m in. Luckily, they have a website. In Kyle’s interview, she says, Jamie found herself a new best friend in Dorit. At this point, Jamie could show them a dirty old tissue, and Dorit would say, it’s so chic! Kyle says she gave $25K to the Kyle Richards and Jamie Lee Curtis Fund for the hospital, and Diana says, she’ll match it. In her interview, Kyle tells us that she should have said a higher number. They open their gifts, and Dorit says she’s excited about the gift bag. Jamie tells them to use everything in good health, and Diana thanks her for giving them the opportunity of being part of the charity. Kyle walks Jamie out, and Sheree sits with Sutton. Dorit joins them, and says, she heard Sutton had lunch with Diana, and Sutton says, Diana is angry. We flash back to that horrible, horrible lunch (said in Sophie from 2 Broke Girls voice), and Sheree asks why Sutton is always in trouble. Sutton thinks it’s because she says what she thinks, and Sheree asks, how’s that working for Sutton (hearing Dr. Phil voice in my head)? Sutton says, not too good. I’m going to be quiet, and ya’ll will be sad. Sheree says she understands, but when someone is bitchy at your lowest moment, it carries a different weight. Sutton asks if that excuses mocking her miscarriages. She would never make fun of anyone’s miscarriage. Dorit says, Sutton questioned Diana about being on bed rest, which wasn’t quite the same thing, but we flash back to that. Dorit says, had Sutton led with empathy, she would have gotten a different reaction. Sutton says, Diana hurt her feelings, and in Dorit’s interview, she says, it’s a pattern. It’s always about Sutton. If you can’t see your own mistakes, you’re going to have trouble. She asks if Sutton wants to try and fix things, and Sutton says she might…

Kyle thanks Diana for the contribution, and she, Diana, and Crystal clink glasses. Kyle asks how Crystal is doing. She saw Crystal’s Instagram post about her eating disorder. Crystal says she hasn’t nailed down what the cause is, and Kyle asks if it’s a control issue, and Crystal says, it’s definitely not appearance. It’s an internal feeling. In Crystal’s interview, she says, the holidays are triggering. She was going to post a family picture, and felt like crap, so she decided to be super real and post how she was feeling. Kyle asks if Crystal just doesn’t eat, or does she eat and throw up, and Crystal says, Kyle is asking the hard questions. Kyle says, that’s because she knows what it’s like, and we flash back to Kyle telling the women she used to heat up a bowl of V8, and that was her food. She tells Crystal, she would eat very little, but worry about what little she ate. In Kyle’s interview, she says, it seems like a cry for help. Crystal says she wakes up thinking about what she’s going to eat. She never eats pasta because it’s a trigger, yet she envies people when they eat it.  In her interview, Crystal says, in every school picture, she’s in the back row. She was not just the tallest girl, but the tallest kid in the class, on top of looking different as a minority, which made it more apparent. She’s worked hard to be accepted, and appreciates how she looks, but it’s still hard. She tells Kyle that physically being in her body sucks. She feels like sh*t all the time; it’s exhausting. Diana says she’s sorry. She knows how much Crystal loves food too. Crystal says she wants to eat a meal, and be okay with it. She doesn’t want to hate what she’s eating every day. Kyle hugs her, and Crystal says she’s tired. In Crystal’s interview, she says, the scariest thing is passing it on to her kids. She doesn’t want them to suffer this much. It’s an ongoing battle. Diana says, because Crystal is being so open, for sure she’ll get there; 100%. Kyle says, the more she talks and is open, she won’t be in her head. In her interview, Kyle says, since she went through her own issues, she educated herself and daughters. She made a conscious effort to make sure they didn’t go through the same thing. Opening up and talking about it can be a good thing if Crystal seeks help. What she’s been doing so far isn’t helping. They join the others, and Kyle asks if they were talking about Sutton and Diana’s lunch. Sutton says, they were, and Kyle says, that sounds… Diana says, awkward.

Sutton says, Diana isn’t ready to accept anything from her, and Diana says, Sutton is right. Kyle asks what Sutton means, and if it involves an apology, but Sutton says, she doesn’t think Diana is ready to ponder any type of friendship with her. Diana says, when she came to L.A., the baby was due soon, and she didn’t want to count the weeks to the birth. So she flipped her life upside down, so she doesn’t go to that dark place. She tried to have fun in Mexico with them, but she shouldn’t have done tequila when she was taking blood thinners. On the way back, she started bleeding again. She’s not happy with her treatment of her own body. She was in a bad place, and sent a rude message to the group. In Diana’s interview, she says she’s still raw emotionally and physically. Sutton’s behavior was hurtful, and Sutton should know better than to talk to her like that. Uh… I dunno about Sutton knowing better, but maybe Sutton should have just stayed out of it, since she doesn’t really know Diana. Sutton says she appreciates Diana’s honesty, and she’s trying. They had a rough start, and she takes responsibility for 95% of it. Diana can take all the time and space she needs, and when she’s ready, Sutton is there to talk. Diana says, they’re taking a time out, and makes what I guess is supposed to be the hand signal for that, but it looks more like when you’re joking around to ward off evil. Sutton does it back.

LisaR calls Erika, and says she’s been decorating the tree, since she hasn’t done any decorating. Erika says, LisaR looks like she feels normal, but LisaR says she doesn’t feel quite normal yet. Erika says she’s out of isolation in two days, and Erika says she’ll see LisaR at Diana’s party on Tuesday. In LisaR’s interview, she says she’s ready for a Diana Jenkins Christmas party. Erika says, the holidays bring back memories of being with Tom and her son, and LisaR asks how much can they take? Erika says, you just keep taking the punches, and rolling with them. You wake up, make the best of it, and f*** it. LisaR says she brought home Erika’s L.A. Magazine cover, but she hasn’t had a chance to read the article. Erika says, there are no revelations; they’re like 365 days late. In Erika’s interview, she says, they recycled the same problems, and criticized her for being ambitious. They dehumanize her, and it hurts. She tells LisaR that she thinks it’s a low blow to call her ambitious. Would it be better for her to be a lazy wife? A polite wife? A staying-in-her-place wife? LisaR asks if she’s talked to Tom, and Erika says, he heard she had covid, and called. In her interview, Erika says, sometimes, he’s super present, but sometimes he thinks she’s someone else. Nothing about their conversations is good, except she knows he’s in a safe place. She’s been down this road with her grandmother, and it doesn’t get better; it only gets worse. LisaR asks if Tom’s brother is still representing him, but Erika says, they dropped their legal team. LisaR asks if Tom has a divorce lawyer, and Erika says, they’re legally separated, so she’s moved on with her life, but she can’t get a divorce with so much legal sh*t going on. In her interview, she says, if she got a divorce, she’d have to pay Tom alimony. She’ll stay married. She tells LisaR, it’s a weird time, and she’s ready for it to be over.

Diana and Asher meet with party planner Clare, and in Diana’s interview, she says, they didn’t celebrate Christmas when she was growing up in Yugoslavia. It was a communist country, so there were no religious holidays. When she went to London, they lit up the streets, and it was beautiful and festive. She enjoys turning the house into a winter wonderland, and likes to go over the top. Asher gets super involved, and in her interview, Diana says, even though Asher is younger, he’s more practical and sensible. She’s the one who’s the bigger dreamer and over-the-top. She doesn’t think anybody can match her over-the-topness.

Kyle visits Kathy, whose house is totally Christmased up. She says, it’s literally a winter wonderland, and looks around. She says, Kathy makes her feel like an underachiever, and Kathy shows her the tree that’s going to be in Architectural Digest, made of vintage fabric. In Kyle’s interview, she says, there’s a different style of tree in each room, and she thinks they’re up year round. She asks if Kathy is doing Christmas this year, but Kathy says, after the wedding, it’s too much. They sit on the terrace for lunch, and Kathy says, trying to get ahold of Kyle is like trying to pull a hemorrhoid out of a bull’s tush. Something I’m sure she knows a lot about. Kyle asks where Kathy’s phone is, and Kathy says she lost it. Kyle says, don’t make her pull out receipts. She brings up her texts to Kathy, and shows Kathy that she has no missed messages. She puts it on speaker, dials Kathy’s number, and it goes straight to voicemail. She says, she’s been telling Kathy this for three years, and in her interview, she says, Kathy uses an iPad to comment on her Instagram, saying, she can’t find her phone and to call her. She has 100,000 people telling her to call her sister. House manager Paola brings out baked potatoes, and in Kyle’s interview, she says, the lady actually has a name. We flash back to Kathy calling Paola the lady who works for me, but in Kathy’s defense, I don’t think she remembers much of anything. Kathy puts sour cream and loads of caviar on her potato, and Kyle asks if it’s the entrée or appetizer. Kathy says, it’s the entrée, and in her interview, Kyle says, unless it’s a baked potato bar, she’s never seen one be a meal. (She’s clearly never been a broke, single person.) She tells Kathy that she’s never seen a person have so much caviar, and in her interview, concedes that if there’s thousands in caviar on the potato, it’s going to be a meal. Have lunch and come over for a baked potato, said nobody, but my sister. Kathy says she’s overwhelmed. She’s wrapped gifts until her hands hurt, and she can’t drive every gift to the recipients. You can’t find ribbon, and somebody peed on her sofa. Kyle asks if she means a pet, but Kathy says, no; a person. All of her carpets are ruined, and she feels like the house is falling apart. Kyle laughs, and so do I. Not only are they rich people problems, who peed on her sofa???

Clare and photographer Carlos are ready to roll, and in Diana’s interview, she says, the pandemic is messing with her. She usually has more guests, so she’s trying to make things cozy to fill up the place, so it doesn’t seem so empty. It will be a covid Christmas miracle. The closest I can come to equating that to something in my own life is, Halloween 2020. The women get ready in their respective houses, and LisaR says she’s excited to see everyone. Crystal calls, and says, Dorit isn’t coming; PK tested positive for covid. Erika tells Micky that she’s been having good time; maybe too much of a good time. We flash back to her incredibly inappropriate behavior at Garcelle’s party, and Mikey asks if she wants a drink now, but she says, no.

First to arrive are Innis and girlfriend Ava. Eneya is there, and they joke that it will be just them. In Diana’s interview, she says, Ava is going to be with them for a month. Having all her kids together is her favorite thing in the world. The women arrive, along with other friends of Diana and Asher’s, and everyone looks sparkly and festive. In LisaR’s interview, she says, it’s a winter wonderland in Beverly Hills. Money was spent for sure. Cash. Lots of it. Erika says she started drinking champagne at home, so she should stick to it. Hmm… I guess Mikey twisted her arm. Kyle says she’s never seen so many Christmas tress in her life. She tells Diana that her house looks to die for, and makes a production out of giving he a hostess gift. She says, Sutton isn’t coming; she tested positive for covid. LisaR says, we’re dropping like flies.

Everyone mingles, and Kathy arrives. In Diana’s interview, she says she met Kathy because of Paris, and knows her more as a stricter figure. Kathy introduces herself all over the place, and hugs the people she knows. We find out Innis knows Paris, and Kathy tells Crystal to put her hands on her head, because that’s how you tell if your dress is too short. Crystal already knows how short her dress is, and declines, but Kathy says, her dress is too short. Garcelle comes in with a unicorn tucked under her arm, and I think, what the… until she presents it to Diana for her daughter. In Garcelle’s interview, she says, the last time she saw Diana was at her birthday party, and Diana was out of control. We flash back to that, and she says, it’s the holidays, and it’s a festive mood. Her gift to Diana is coming to the party and not bringing bad energy, which Diana didn’t do at her party. Garcelle tells Crystal that she looks good, and Crystal says her food issues are plaguing her. Garcelle says, there’s a lot of food during the holidays, and Erika asks if that’s triggering to Crystal. Crystal says, it is, and Erika asks if she eats and feels guilty or denies herself the food. Crystal says, she eats it, then feels bad, and Erika wonders why she just doesn’t take a laxative, and get rid of it. Garcelle – the audience in us all – looks floored, and in her interview, she says, Crystal has an eating disorder. Erika isn’t a doctor, and you don’t prescribe laxatives to someone with an  eating disorder. It’s the most inappropriate thing at the most inappropriate time. Sheree says she’s never had covid, and Garcelle says, Sheree is too beautiful to have it. Meanwhile, Erika is still being inappropriate, asking, what happens when Crystal purges? and Crystal says, she feels relief. Erika asks if Crystal enjoys the food when it’s going in, and Crystal says, she does, but then the guilt comes. When she looks aloof, it’s because she’s thinking about it. Erika asks if she’d rather throw it up or poop it out, pushing the laxative idea again, and in Crystal’s interview, she says she doesn’t know if Erika’s trying to be helpful, or she’s had too many drinks. Erika asks if Crystal has sought treatment, and Crystal says, it’s time. She doesn’t know what will come out of it, and Erika says, what will come out of it is a better Crystal. An appetizer involving chicken tenders comes around, and Erika loudly says, Crystal can’t eat it. Crystal looks lost, and Erika says she needs a drink.  

Too bad Bette Davis is gone. She could have played Erika in the movie.

To be continued…

🦵🏼 Doing the Hokey Pokey…

Come with me tomorrow to investigate some soap and what’s Charming in the South. Until then, stay safe, stay present in conversation, and not just waiting for your cue, and stay remembering, if you can’t see your own mistakes, you’re going to have trouble.