What I Watched Today

(rambling, random thoughts & annoyingly detailed recaps from real time TV watching)

General Hospital

Curtis holds the heavy bag as Alexis punches and kicks it. He tells her, good. She knows how to fight. She says she wouldn’t come to the gym unless he made her, and he says he thinks it’s important they establish a winning mindset before they try to catch a serial killer before someone else dies.

Rory bangs on an apartment door, and the door moves open. He says, PCPD. Anyone home? and walks inside. The door slams shut, and Rory turns around, drawing his gun. We see a hook, and Rory shoots. In the hallway, Dante, who’s apparently been following him, takes out his radio, and says, shots fired.

At the hospital, Portia shows Elizabeth a wedding dress on her tablet, and asks if Elizabeth thinks it’s too frou-frou for her. Elizabeth tells her to just pick a wedding dress that makes her happy, and Portia says she can’t help but think; are she and Curtis making a mistake by still getting married in February? How reckless is it of them to push on, and have this ceremony that’s supposed to be all about love and connection, when Esme’s on the loose? Something about it doesn’t feel right. Elizabeth says, don’t let anyone stand in the way of her happiness, and Portia says, not even a killer like Esme? As Finn walks in, Elizabeth says, Esme will be sure to do more damage again, but she will never take another life.

Nikolas says, beautiful, startling Ava at the gallery. He apologizes, and says, her bodyguard gave him the okay to come in. She tells him about the sculpture in her hands, as she moves it, but he says, when he said beautiful, he wasn’t referring to the sculpture. Despite all that’s happened, and may happen, he loves her. He always will. She says, if only that’s all it took to fix things, right? They have to deal with Esme, and his son, and his uncle. Her mistrust, his misdeeds. What are the odds?

Dex tells Josslyn, let him help, but Spencer says, let Cameron help her. Josslyn says, she’s got it. Thank you. She deposits the toys in the Toys for Tots box, and Dex tells Cameron to cancel his order; he’ll go someplace else. Spencer says, Dex ordered, so he needs to pay, but Cameron says, no, he doesn’t. Dex says, not a problem, and stands in front of Spencer, taking out a stack of cash. He says, Spencer’s uncle pays him well, as he peels off some bills, and Spencer sucker punches him. Josslyn goes to help him up, but Dex says he’s good. He gets up, and Spencer says, go ahead; take a swing.

Trina asks if Jordan knows where she can find Rory. She asked at the front desk, but no one could tell her where he is. Jordan says, he was in her office not twenty minutes ago. He must be around here somewhere.

Gun drawn, Dante says, police! and kicks in the door.

Cameron jumps between Spencer and Dex, and tells Spencer, knock it off. Not here; not now. Josslyn thanks Cameron, and says, it wouldn’t have helped anything to knock him flat, no matter how much he deserves it. Spencer says, Dex is just embarrassed he dropped like a sack of… and Josslyn asks what he’s doing. He just got out of prison, and he’s already causing problems. What did Dex ever do to him? Spencer says, Cam just told him that Dex put her in danger, and yells at Dex to get out. Josslyn tells Dex to ignore Spencer. He doesn’t have to go anywhere. Dex says, Josslyn has no idea what he does or doesn’t have to do, and storms out.

Curtis says, Alexis is leaving? but she says, no. They haven’t even conspired yet. By the way, it was a good idea to meet here. There’s no way Jordan would frequent a place Sonny owns. He says he had that in mind when he suggested they meet here. Jordan’s all about proprieties these days. Alexis says, that’s a good quality for a cop, but Curtis says, the problem is, she overcorrected. The PCPD is being very tight-fisted about the information the general public can use that no one else has. She says, that was her intention in printing the killer’s letter, although nothing came from it. Aside from opening up a line of communication, she isn’t sure what else she can do. She’s not even sure what they can do together. Unless Jordan might confide in Curtis after all. He says, not directly anyhow.

On the phone, Jordan says, let her know when he shows up, and tells Trina that Rory’s shift ended, but he hasn’t collected his personal stuff yet. He’s probably just clearing up paperwork or something. She’s welcome to wait for him here. Trina says she doesn’t want to be in the way, but Jordan says she doubts that’s ever true of Trina. Besides, Rory will be glad to see her when he’s finished. Trina says, not for long… She just meant she shouldn’t bother him at work. She’ll go catch up with Cam at Kelly’s. Maybe she’ll see Rory there. Jordan asks, what’s wrong? but Trina says she’ll let Jordan go. Thanks for trying. She leaves, and Jordan’s desk phone rings. She answers, and says, when?… What’s Falconari’s position?… He’s stopped responding? Get the paramedics, and she’ll meet them there.

Dante sees a man on the floor, blood covering the front of him. He checks for a pulse, then hears something. He aims his gun, and says, police. Let me see your hands. Rory stumbles out, clutching a wound in his abdomen, and says, The Hook, as he collapses against Dante. Dante stumbles back, but gets Rory on the couch. Rory bleeds from his mouth.

Portia says, hey Finn. Just some pre-wedding stuff going on over here. What’s up? Finn says, nothing’s up… Please excuse me. He leaves, and passes the elevator as Gregory is coming out. Gregory says he’s glad he found Finn. His assistant said he’d be clocking out right about now. He’s taking Finn to dinner. Finn says he has a lot of case files waiting, and Gregory asks if he can’t take one night off. Finn says, he can; he doesn’t want to. Gregory says, maybe he needs to, and Finn asks if Alexis said something to him. Gregory says, Finn knows him better than that, and he knows Finn better than Finn thinks. He knows Finn is in a bad way. And it’s not just him. Violet is on to Finn. It’s taking a toll.

Portia asks, what makes Elizabeth so sure Esme won’t spill any more blood? and Elizabeth says, she can’t fly under the radar with the whole city looking for her. She’s sure Esme is just biding her time somewhere. At some point, she’ll step out into the light and get caught, and their families will have nothing more to fear from her. Please get married. It will give her something to look forward to, in addition to the justice for their kids and everyone else Esme’s hurt. Portia says, it’s a deal, but Elizabeth has to do her part too. She has to RSVP. She hasn’t got confirmation that Elizabeth or Finn are coming to the wedding.

Nikolas says, it’s never going to be easy for them, and Ava says, but the best things never are. She’s going to be here for a while. She was thinking about getting take-out. Does he want to join her? He says he wishes he could. She asks if he’s got plans, and he says he’s not hungry. Besides, he can’t stay long. He just came to give her these. He hands her some folded up papers, and she says, an early Christmas present? She unfolds them, and asks if this is from his lawyer. He says he thought it best if she got them directly from him, and she says, is he serving her? He says, it’s a divorce. It’s over.

Sam meets Maxie at the Bistro, and Maxie thanks her for coming. They hug, and Maxie says she knew things were getting dire when she was seeking advice from Cody Bell. Sam says, yikes. What’s going on? Maxie says she just needs some perspective, and Sam is the best one to give it to her. Sam says she’ll try, and they sit down. Maxie says, first, she needs to know what Sam thinks of Austin, and Sam thinks for a moment. Maxie says she can’t believe Sam didn’t tell her, and Sam says, didn’t tell her what? Maxie says, that she doesn’t like Cody, and Sam says, she doesn’t… not like him. Maxie says, Sam doesn’t not like jicama. She doesn’t not like folding laundry, even though it’s the one of the easiest household chores ever, but she doesn’t look forward to doing it, and she wouldn’t choose it if given the choice. Sam says, that’s true, but she doesn’t have to choose Austin. Maxie does. Of course (🍷) unless she doesn’t.

Ava says, Nikolas is divorcing her? and Nikolas says, now is as good a time as any. They can begin 2023 with a fresh start. She asks if he gave in to his uncle. Does he have something else on Nikolas now? Nikolas says, his uncle doesn’t have anything to do with this, and Ava asks if he expects her to believe that; after months of begging, of prostrating himself, of putting his life in her hands. He tells her to see the attached offer, and she’ll see he’s serious. This isn’t her post-nup money, but it’s more than generous. And she can take him to court and get more, but it’s best for everyone not to protract a legal battle with his uncle. With his resources, they can keep Ava mired for years and bleed her dry. She says, this isn’t happening, and he says, take a few days; sit on it. She’s a pragmatic woman. She’ll see this is the best outcome. She says, he doesn’t want to divorce her. He’s lost without her, and he knows it. Something drove him to this against his will, made him think he has no other option but to divorce her, but he does. She’ll give him one. Just tell her what’s behind this. Or who. He won’t be alone. She’ll be at his side.

Elizabeth says she’s sorry for not sending the RSVP sooner, and Portia says, that’s okay. She will be attending though, won’t she? Her wedding won’t be the same without Elizabeth and Finn. Elizabeth says she wouldn’t miss it, but she can’t speak for Finn. Things aren’t working out for them. They broke up.

Finn asks, what’s wrong with Violet? and Gregory says, she’s worried about Finn. They were supposed to go ice skating today, but after he got her laced up, she wouldn’t budge off the bench; woudn’t meet his eyes. It took a hot chocolate with extra marshmallows to pull it out of her. Finn asks what she said, and Gregory tells him, daddy’s sad. Then she asked if he knew why. Finn asks what Gregory told her, and Gregory says, that he thought so too, and he wasn’t exactly sure why. He told her the best thing they could do for Finn is make sure he knows he’s not alone. So they bagged the ice skating and made some art instead. He takes a paper out of his jacket pocket, and gives it to Finn. Finn looks at a picture Violet drew of them, and says he never thought something so helpful could hurt so much.

Spencer asks Josslyn, what is it about that punk that makes her want to protect him from Sonny? Josslyn says, Dex saved Ava’s life. If he hadn’t gotten her to the hospital in time, Avery wouldn’t have a mom. Cameron says, Spencer didn’t even know the guy, and punched him in the face. Is he dumb? Spencer says, Cameron said he couldn’t stand him, and Cameron says, so Spencer decked him for his sake? Spencer says, welcome back, Spencer. Glad you survived supermax. Thanks for being a pal. Clearly, he’s not eating here. He stomps out, and runs into Trina outside.

Jordan shows up at the apartment with two officers, and they go inside. Dante is tending to Rory, and says, Cabrera said it was The Hook. She must have jumped out the window. Jordan tells the offices to tape off the perimeter, and find out if anyone’s seen an intruder. Get a team to canvas the apartments, and set up a dragnet. Jordan looks at Rory, and tells Dante, they can’t wait for the paramedics. Let’s get him to the car. Dante and an officer carry Rory out between them, and Jordan says, they’re going to get him some help. Jordan makes a call, and says, they have a dead body in the apartment. Get the medical examiner and CSU here now.

Curtis tells Alexis that they have to be careful what they do with this information. They’re not supposed to have it. She says she’s a lawyer… She used to be a lawyer. She knows how to keep a secret. So how about if they don’t do anything with it unless they both agree? Deal? They shake hands, and she says, what’s he got? He says he talked with Trina last night, and she was talking with Ava. Apparently, Jordan is getting outside advice about the serial killer’s profile. Alexis says, from the FBI or a forensic psychologist? but Curtis says, from the devil himself, Ryan Chamberlain.

Maxie says, Austin was blackmailing Spinelli, and Sam says, blackmailing him how? Maxie says, it had to do with Society Set-Ups, and Sam says, Spinelli’s algorithm? Maxie says, Sam knew about that? It doesn’t matter, because whatever Spinelli did, Sam wouldn’t  use it against him or use his genius for her own benefit. Sam says, of course (🍷) not, but Austin is? Maxie says, Austin forced Spinelli to run her and Austin through the algorithm, which is a total violation because she didn’t sign up for Society Set-Ups in the first place. Whatever data Spinelli got on her, he got by hacking, and breaking through firewalls and stuff. Sam says, Spinelli would never use Maxie’s data against her, and Maxie says she knows that. She doesn’t love being hacked, but if there’s anyone she’d trust to do the hacking, it’s Spinelli. She just doesn’t trust Austin.

Alexis says, Jordan is consulting with Ryan Chamberlain? and Curtis says he guesses to catch a serial killer, you have to talk to a serial killer. Dex comes into the gym, and Curtis tells Alexis, he’s going to take a shower, and they’ll talk somewhere more private.

Dex flashes back to Josslyn saying he keeps surprising her by doing the right thing when she least expects it. Her mom and Jason are incredible people, who they gave everything they had to Sonny, trusting he’d do right by them. Instead, he screwed them both over. She doesn’t want him to be one of those people. He puts on gloves to punch the heavy bag.

Josslyn asks if Cameron can believe Spencer. Did he learn that in Pentenville? Cameron says, leave it to Spencer to ruin his own homecoming, and she says, he got too caught up in his own BS, and didn’t think. Cameron says, he never does.

Trina asks what Spencer is doing here, and he says, grabbing food, wreaking havoc, reaping the consequences; the usual. They say hello, and Trina says she guesses she’s still not used to seeing him around. He says, she’s not the only one. Did she know a new rule was enacted in his absence where friends are forbidden from sticking up for each other? She says, that’s a broad reading. Sticking up is good as long as it’s welcome. He says he’ll be sure to consult her next time before he butts in. Cam is so over him. She says, whatever he did, she’s guessing his heart was in the right place. He’s not the same guy who returned to Port Charles hellbent on destroying Ava. He asks if she means this is progress, and she tells him, now he just has to work on his execution. He says he’ll get on it. Hopefully, he’ll have something to show for it next time he’s in town. She says, next time? and he says he’s taking off.

Finn tells Gregory that he and Elizabeth ended things. It all came apart last night, and he thought he was holding it together for Violet’s sake, but obviously he did another bang up job. Gregory says, his daughter is extremely perceptive. She would have picked up on it blindfolded. Finn says, there never should have been anything for her to pick up on. He should have done better for her, and seen what was going on with Elizabeth sooner, and made better choices. Gregory says, Finn’s assessment of his actions might be skewed in light of recent events, and Finn says, he and Elizabeth were trying to build something together; some idea of a family, but that’s all gone. But Violet needs that. How can he take it away from her again? Gregory says, must he? He knows Finn still loves Elizabeth; love doesn’t fade away so fast. It may shrink, or be eclipsed by other feelings, but it’s still inside there, waiting to reemerge, sometimes stronger than before, if both people want it. Finn says he appreciates it, but Gregory doesn’t understand. Elizabeth… Gregory says, Elizabeth will make up her own mind. Finn needs to know what’s in his heart. Does he want to salvage their relationship? Dante and the officer bring Rory in, and Jordan says, they need help for an officer; he’s bleeding heavily. Portia yells, they need a gurney stat, and everyone gets to work. Portia asks, what happened? and Jordan says, they need the anti-venom that saved Diane Miller after her attack. Dante says, it was The Hook, and Elizabeth looks stunned.

Curtis asks if Alexis is ready to go, and Alexis asks if Curtis said Trina talked to Ava, and Curtis says, she was at Spring Ridge, and witnessed the interview. Apparently, the PCPD used her as bait for Chamberlain. He answers Jordan’s questions in exchange for Ava being present. Alexis says, remind her to pick up Ava’s tab for the next 100 years, and Curtis says, same here. Alexis says, Esme was an intern at Spring Ridge. She said she was a psych major at PCU to explain her interest in Chamberlain. Question. Did Ryan say anything that hinted where Esme could be found? He says, Trina didn’t give him the play by play. She let it slip that Chamberlain believes Esme is not the killer. Alexis asks if they’re going to take his word for it, and Curtis says he’s poured over Chamberlain’s file, and that guy hasn’t lifted a finger in anyone else’s interest except his own. If he says Esme isn’t the killer, it’s because it serves him, not the police. Jordan is on to something, and he does believe there’s more to that twisted relationship that psychopath and psychology student. She says, so what do they do with that information? and Curtis’s phone rings. He says he believes they’re about to find out, and says hey to Jordan. Jordan tells him that she’s trying to reach Taggert. Does Curtis know where he is? Curtis says, he’s traveling; he’s doing a security consult out of town. Alexis’s phone dings. It’s a text from Gregory: 911 at GH. Curtis says, Portia should be able to track him down, but Jordan says, Portia is busy. Trina is at Kelly’s. Can Curtis pick up Trina and bring her to GH immediately? He asks, what’s wrong? and she says, it’s happened again.

Ava says, there’s more to this divorce than Nikolas is saying. Why doesn’t he just tell her what it is; maybe they can salvage their marriage. He tells her, there’s nothing he can say that will fix this, but she says, give it a shot. He owes her that much. She was prepared to cut him loose. Does he remember that? Everybody urged her move on. Everybody told her that he wasn’t good enough for her. Some people said she was just lucky to survive him, and she was so close to listening to them, but she tuned them out. Just yesterday she told him she wanted to try, and he ate it up. Now he’s changed his mind? Why? He says, they were right. He’s not worthy. He’s still the faithless man today he was yesterday. She says she doesn’t understand. What’s going on? He says, he had an affair with Elizabeth.

Maxie tells Sam, Austin was so great when she met him. He delivered Bailey Lou, and got knocked unconscious for his trouble. She lied to him about what actually happened for months, and when the truth came out, he was kind and understanding. Sam says, that’s good. Maxie got to know the best part of Austin, and Maxie says, and she chose to ignore the not so great parts. Like how mean he was to Brook, and how he manipulated Chase to spy on the Quartermaines. He was super apologetic about that, but she did choose to push it to the back of her mind. But Spinelli never liked Austin, and liked him less in the last few weeks; now she knows why. Sam says, poor Spinelli, and Maxie says, it’s never fun to be blackmailed, especially when the blackmailer is dating the mother of your child. Which brings her to Georgie, who also never liked Austin. She thought Georgie was just being difficult. Now she thinks Georgie might have been right.

Ava says, Nikolas and Elizabeth. One affair wasn’t enough for him? Nikolas tells her to look at the offer and get back to him. He tries to leave, but she blocks him, and asks, how did it happen? When? Where? In the bed they shared together, or did he and Elizabeth rut around in the dirt at the Quartermaine picnic? She has a right to know. He says, it will only hurt her, but she says, why stop now? So how did they end up together. She wouldn’t have him, so he came on to Elizabeth? Or maybe it was the other way around. Did Elizabeth catch him in that bottomless pit of need so many fools are too weak to resist? He tells her, don’t talk about Elizabeth like that, and Ava starts to cry, asking, what was he getting from Elizabeth that he didn’t get from her? He says, his child. Elizabeth is pregnant. She’s having their baby.

On the phone at the hospital, Jordan says she wants every uniform and detective on this, even those not on duty. On his phone, Dante says, they’ve got to take a closer look at the exotic animal smuggler. Who he was talking to, who he was texting, who he was meeting with… Yes, all that. Thanks. Alexis comes in, and goes over to Dante. She sees the blood on his hands and asks if he’s okay. He says, it’s not his; it’s Officer Cabrera’s. She asks, isn’t that Trina’s boyfriend? Is it The Hook? Is it Esme? Jordan walks over to them, and tells Dante, get cleaned up. That’s an order. He leaves, and Alexis asks if Rory was attacked by The Hook. Jordan says, here’s her statement. Tonight, one of Port Charles finest is fighting for his life after a cowardly and brutal attack. Her department will do everything to bring this perpetrator to justice. She’ll be damned if she’s going to lose another one of her own. Alexis can quote her on that. Jordan walks away, and Gregory puts his hand on Alexis’s shoulder.

Finn works on Rory, and says, initiate the anti-venom. Elizabeth asks if he’s sure it was Esme, the person with the hook. A nurse says, they have another bleeder, and Finn says, release the anti-venom. Elizabeth says, what if the police are wrong? The anti-venom is in short supply. He says, just do it. If his wounds don’t kill him, the poison will. Elizabeth injects it into the IV.

Trina says, Spencer is taking off? and he says, as soon as the terms of his prison release are met. She asks if he’s going on vacation, but he says, vacation implies a return home, and Port Charles no longer qualifies. She says, but his family is here, his friends, and he says, and all the people who look at him like dirt. She asks if those people have more power over him than the ones who care about him, and he says, those people are few and far between, but she says, he’s wrong. If he’d open his eyes, he’d see. He says, see what? See who? His eyes are open, which is how he knows to look down when he encounters someone he’s disappointed. So he’s moving on going, and he’s going to disappoint strangers. She says, that’s not funny; that’s sad. He says, maybe, but it is true. He’s certainly not going to get what he wants here. She says, what’s that? and he says, to know how it feels when you matter so much to someone, it hurts them when you’re gone. He has the reverse down pat. He knows all about hurt, just not the part when returned. Curtis comes along, and Spencer asks, what happened? Curtis says he thinks Joss and Cam should hear this too, and they all go inside.

Cameron suggests he and Josslyn go to a nice place, just the two of them, but she says, they need to talk first. Curtis comes in, and says, Cameron, Josslyn, and Trina need to come with him to GH right away. Trina asks, why? and he says, Police Commissioner’s orders. She wants them where she can keep eyes on them, and it’s probably best if they’re under police protection. Josslyn asks, what happened? and he says, there’s been another attack. Trina asks, who? and he says he’s sorry. It’s Rory.

Maxie tells Sam, she burns her life down with Peter, then jumps into a relationship with someone who blackmails people. Sam says, it was wrong for Austin to blackmail Spinelli, but it’s not on the same level as Peter. Maxie says, the mistake is the same. With Peter she chose to ignore the red flags, and see what she wanted to see. Austin – not a psycho, thank God – but not who he pretended to be. Sam asks when Maxie got confirmation on that, and Maxie says she told Sam; it just happened. Sam asks what she did, and Maxie says she told Austin that he wasn’t who she thought he was, and walked out. Sam asks what she’s doing now, and Maxie says, venting to a friend. Sam says, exactly. Maxie’s not in denial; she’s just following her instincts. She’s taking a step back to reevaluate, and consider what she wants or doesn’t want; what she likes and doesn’t like. Then she can act accordingly. Maxie says she can do that. At least her life’s not up in flames. That’s progress.

Dex punches the heavy bag, and flashes back to falling on top of Josslyn in the dumpster; Josslyn chastising him outside Kelly’s and asking what he wants; Josslyn stitching his wound, and Dex asking if she can teach him to surf; Josslyn nursing him in her dorm room; and Dex kissing her. He remembers saying, that wasn’t  supposed to happen, and Josslyn saying, well, it did.

Gregory brings Alexis coffee, and she thanks him. She asks if he has an update on Rory’s condition, and he says, all he knows is, Rory is in the trauma room and bleeding heavily. She says, Jordan is the type who won’t say anything, and he asks how she heard about the attack. She says she was there when Curtis got the call from Jordan, and Jordan sent Curtis looking for Trina. It suggests to her that it has something to do with The Hook. He says, when the police arrived, they called for anti-venom. They both know where that’s been mentioned recently. She says, the killer’s letter.

Ava says, Nikolas is bringing a child into this? He’s going to subject a child to his misadventures with Victor and Esme? He says he never meant for this to happen. The sex was a mistake; the baby is not. He can’t make it unhappen even if he wanted to, and he doesn’t. He has to take care of that baby. He has to do right, and protect it from Victor, and Esme, or anything that could harm it, or anyone who would try to use this baby to their own advantage. He can’t fail another child. She might not understand this, but she understands that much, doesn’t she? Ava eyes a mean-looking letter opener on the desk.

On the phone, Jordan says, keep her posted, and Dante says, any news? She says, Mac is on site, and Dante says he’ll go see if Mac needs any help, but she says, no. She needs him here. He asks why. He’d be more useful in the field. She says, he needs to see this through. Not just for his sake, but more important for Rory’s. Trina runs in, and asks if Rory is okay, but Jordan says she doesn’t know. The doctors are working on him now. Curtis joins them with Josslyn and Cameron, and Portia comes out.

Ava picks up the letter opener, and Nikolas says, please, take his offer. What’s the alternative, war? She lunges at him with the letter opener, but doesn’t hurt him. She says, that’s what she thinks of his offer, and he says, she could have killed him. She says, remember that. Go be with Elizabeth. Be a daddy. Good luck with his do-over. He says he’s sorry. He never wanted to hurt her. He hates this. She says, he doesn’t know what hate is, but maybe she’ll teach him. He says, it doesn’t have to be like this, and she says, that’s true. It could be far, far worse. And who knows? Maybe it will be yet. God have mercy on him. He’ll get none from her. He slowly walks out, and she cries.

Trina says, please tell her that Rory will be okay, but Portia says, he’s lost a lot of blood, and he’s bleeding internally. And his treatment is based off of Dante’s accounts of what happened. Trina asks if she can see him, but Portia says, he’s very weak right now; he’s incoherent. Rory is wheeled out on a gurney, and Trina runs to him, crying and calling his name. She says she’s so sorry, and he takes his oxygen mask off. He says, it was… too soon… to tell you how I feel… but I’m not sorry… When you know, you know. He flatlines.

Tomorrow, Dante says he might have gotten a lead; Anna asks Valentin what they have to show for it; and Elizabeth is afraid someone is about to walk into a trap

❄️ As the consistently awful Winter House comes to a close, Craig had the idea for a formal Charleston Tea Party, which the guys were going to prepare. In Ciara’s interview, she wondered where Austen had etiquette training; with the dogs? He acted like a dog. In Austen’s interview, he said, when he got there, he didn’t know how things with Ciara would be. He’d thought their friendship was a 10 out 10, but he didn’t know where it was at the moment. This guy is the worst at reading a room. In Rachel’s interview, she said she wasn’t confrontational, but what Jess had said hurt. When she was growing up, being Asian and adopted didn’t set her up for success in her town, and it gave her insecurities about everything. You don’t comment on people’s looks and bodies, making that dependent on their self-worth. Everyone dressed nicely, which is something they have down, but you know what they say about lipstick on a pig. After gathering at the dinner table, Ciara welcomed everyone to the first Charleston Tea Party. She said there were a few rules, and asked what is a taboo topic at the dinner table. Butt stuff and dingleberries were thrown out there, but she said, sex, politics, and religion; and no four-letter words. If they thought it was inappropriate, it probably was, and the punishment was shots. Hmm… What’s wrong with that picture? Since the girls had gone out for wine – minus Jess, who’d hung with the guys – while the guys went skiing – minus Craig, who’d hung with the girls – Craig was asked how his day with the girls went. He said he loved a mountain, but had needed his normal pace, and drinking wine with the girls was his normal pace. It didn’t take long for the tea party to go sideways. Rachel said it was a classy dinner, and she wanted to have classy conversation, BUT… She didn’t talk a lot, but something had made her uncomfortable. She felt like talking with the girls had made her confident enough to bring it to the table. Jess said something that made her feel sh*tty. She’d guys weren’t coming for Rachel because she didn’t have t*ts and ass. Everyone literally just stared at their plates.

Jess said that wasn’t how she thought went, and Rachel said it was a reality check. Jess hurt her, and she felt invalidated. In Jess’s interview, she said, Rachel was taking it out of context. She’d meant that she didn’t think guys liked her for her. Guys wanted to f*** her, but didn’t care about her, and it made her insecure as a person. Jess said she was sorry. She was genuinely taking it in, and working on herself. Amanda asked if Jess wanted to share what she’d shared with Kyle, and Paige said she heard Jess was mad at her because she thought Paige didn’t believe in her and Kory. I don’t know why everyone just doesn’t pass each other notes. Paige said she’d been nothing but nice, and felt like Jess just didn’t like her. Jason told Jess, if she had something to say about him, why did she go to Kyle instead of him? Paige said she didn’t care about Jess’s relationship, but she couldn’t continue to say things that weren’t true. She’d automatically like whoever wound up with Kory because they’d have to hang out with each other. Jess said she understood, but would rather talk to Rachel personally. It was difficult with an audience. Obviously, she’s new to reality TV, where it’s a requirement that every personal topic and/or beef is brought to a dinner party. Kyle went over to Rachel, and told her that she could get any guy she wanted, and in Rachel’s interview, she said she wasn’t looking for an excuse or an apology, just a little more empathy and compassion. Austen said, maybe Paige should concentrate on Rachel’s feelings instead of her issue with Jess, and Paige griped that Austen was always coming at her. Austen said, Rachel was crying, but Paige said it was a separate conversation – even though Rachel was the one sitting across from her, and Jess was down the table. Amanda and Rachel left the table, and sat in the kitchen, and Craig suggested the guys make themselves scarce to let the girls talk. Guyspeak for, let’s get the hell away from this conversation about feelings. Paige said, how dare Austen tell her how to treat women; look in the mirror. Jess found Rachel, and asked if she could apologize, but Rachel said, not now because she’s 14. In Jess’s interview, she said she shouldn’t be surprised they were ganging up on her and talking sh*t about her, since she chose to hang out with the guys.

Outside, where the guys were having fun and drinking, Craig asked Kory where he stood. Kory said he felt the others were projecting their past experiences onto his and Jess’s relationship. It was f***ing vacation. He couldn’t go from zero to dating. Kyle told him that Jess said they were dating, and we flashed back to that. In Kory’s interview, he said he was shocked Jess was telling people they were dating. They had something, but they weren’t officially dating. Jess asked to talk to Kory, and Jason told Rachel that he was proud she stood up for herself. Jess told Kory that the rest of them were crazy, and making her feel like an ugly duckling. Craig called Kory to come out and play, and Kory told Jess he’d be back in ten minutes. There was a mini snowball fight between the remaining housemates still downstairs, and then Paige told Craig that she was ready to do the bed stuff.

The next morning, it was snowing and beautiful, and I thought, these people do not deserve this vacation. Craig made Paige a French toast breakfast in bed for their six month anniversary. Jason asked how Rachel was, and she said, drained. He said he’d wanted to take her out, but it was snowing. He told her that they’d do something fun; it was a surprise. Again, these two are the only ones that come off looking like reasonable adults, despite Rachel’s idea of classy conversation. In Craig’s interview, he said he thought the vacation had brought him and Paige closer, even though they’d fought constantly at the beginning. He’d always pictured himself in a Hallmark movie. There was snow outside, and they were in a quaint town, but he’d been fighting with everyone else instead of living out the movie. Rachel said, today was Jess’s birthday, and she wanted to move on. They had one more day, and she wanted to finish out strong. Apparently, she got confused and thought she was on Below Deck. Craig suggested Paige spend a month or two with him, and she said she could do May and June. In Paige’s interview, she said she wasn’t ready to move in with Craig full-time, but it would be a great way to see how they live together when they’re not on vacation. She needed to get her bows and hairclips ready because she was going down south.

Kyle didn’t want leave; he had fun unplugging. In his interview, he said he worked endless days and nights, and it was the first time he was taking a vacation and not feeling guilty. He’d needed to relax. Okay, if that’s what we’re calling it. Austen talked to Craig about not passing a note to talking to Ciara, and in his interview, Craig said, it could easily look like Austen still had feelings for Ciara. He didn’t think they were exes yet. They were undefined. He suggested Austen talk to her, a novel concept. Kory said, dinner had not gone as planned, which was an understatement, but it was Jess’s birthday. Were they still doing something? Amanda said, no way they weren’t celebrating. In Luke’s interview, he whined that he made maple syrup for everyone, and they didn’t give a f***. Jason told Rachel that he made scenario for her to enjoy, and while everyone else played in the snow, he led her to a room he’d decorated as a garden, and said he thought they could paint some fun stuff. In Rachel’s interview, she said, everything happened for a reason. She felt she and Jason had a connection, no matter what happened. He didn’t let her down, and she trusted him in all ways. He had snacks and wine laid out, and Rachel said she loved an activity date. They made paintings and exchanged them. Jason suggested they finish the wine, and join the others in the snow. Rachel told Jess that she wasn’t mad, and knew Jess was a good person. Jess said she understood what she’d said was offensive and hurtful, and she apologized. They hugged it out. Amanda and Ciara discussed baking a cake, and Ciara said, Jess was going to be 25, and entering her quarter-life crisis. They decided on a stages of life theme, while Jess FaceTimed with her sister, and pointed to her ring finger when she talked about Kory. Wow. And Kory thought dating was pushing it.

Everyone dressed in costumes of different life stages; baby, toddler, teenage, old person, sugarbaby, new parent. Except for Austen, who was dressed like either Joe Exotic or Joe Dirt. Jess was given a sash that said Birthday Queen. Amanda asked for everyone’s favorite moment, and Jason said, meeting the Toms, and getting to know them. Paige said, getting to spend two weeks with Craig, and Amanda said, being with her man, because they’re both addlebrained.  Amanda said she felt like Kyle was back to being him, and Jess said her favorite moment was probably meeting Kory; having a connection, and getting to know him. Kory said his moment was on the second day, whipping down the hill, It was a good bonding thing. A pall fell over the group, since Kory did not return the favorite moment favor to Jess. They drank and danced around, and Paige offered her room for Austen to talk to Ciara, since it was neutral territory. In Ciara’s interview, she said she could have predicted it. Page three from Austen’s playbook; apologize for his bullsh*t. Ciara said she felt Austen kept coming at her. Him wanting to bring a girl to the house, had nothing to do with her having sex before she got to the house. It was a game, he asked her the question, and she answered it. He said he didn’t know what line they were toeing. They had a past, so what was flirting, and what was being friends. Ciara told him, it wasn’t worth it with him coming at her every opportunity. He said he heard her, and asked what she needed from him to have a friendship. It was important to him.

Ciara told him that she didn’t want that type of friendship, and in her interview, she said her therapist told her to do what she had to, to protect herself. She told Austen, they were at a point where she was really done, and she needed to keep her distance. In Ciara’s interview, she said, she was moving on. It was the best closure she could ask for. There was more drinking and dancing, and Jess said she wanted Kory to ask her to be his girlfriend for her  birthday. Instead, he brought her a birthday drink. I have no idea what it was, but it looked like a chocolate shake in a beer stein with whipped cream on top. She told him that she was mad because he didn’t say meeting her was a favorite moment, and he said, kissing her for the first time was a favorite moment, but his worst quality was not being able to express his emotions verbally. She said she’d like to be exclusive, and he said, even though he liked her more than he thought he would, he was worried about the distance. It was hard to say they were even dating, since they were in vacation mode. It felt rushed. Jess said she was done with the conversation and left, and Kory said, that went well.

In the morning, there was packing to do. I would say they all packed excessively for two weeks, but I’m guilty of the same thing. Craig said he felt nauseous, and Paige suggested it was because he’d been drinking for 17 days straight. Rachel and Jason left together, and Kory wanted to make sure Jess’s mindset was good. She asked if he thought they were on the right track, and he said, yes, to see where it goes. Code for: I’m going to sleep with other girls. In Jess’s interview, she was gushing about Kory, when he called, making her all giggly. There were lots of hugs, and Austen told Ciara that he heard her, and one day, it would be better. He hoped she felt the same way, and she said she hoped he got back to Charleston safely. Which was code for: not a chance in hell. In Kyle’s interview, he said their vacation had been twice as long as a college student’s spring break. They’ve still got it.

Got what? No tolerance for alcohol? Bad judgement? The emotional level of middle schoolers?

It’s over.

👼🏽 Hark, the Harold…

Stop by tomorrow for soap, tea, words of wisdom (or not), and a musical break. Until then, stay safe, stay giving others a little extra grace, and stay never going on a hunt for a serial killer by yourself. It never ends well.