What I Watched Today

(rambling, random thoughts & annoyingly detailed recaps from real time TV watching)

General Hospital

I missed the beginning, but it was nothing important, so moving on.

Ryan asks where he is. Valerie tells him, the Pentonville infirmary.

Curtis tells Jordan that he thinks it’s enough for today. Stella says Curtis owes her a coffee. He asks, for what? and she says, for convincing Ryan to donate his kidney. The lightbulb comes on, and he says he’ll be back. Jordan can’t imagine Ryan feeling e empathetic. It’s not making sense why he agreed. Why would a merciless killer choose to save her life? Doc walks in.

Ryan asks how he got there. The last he remembers, he was at GH. Finn says fogginess is normal after transplant surgery. Ryan asks what he’s talking about. He doesn’t remember any surgery. Why is he in so much pain? Finn says he’s feeling some discomfort, but Ryan says it’s excruciating in his abdomen. Finn says he’ll have a look, and checks under Ryan’s bandage. He says it must be the surgical site where they removed his kidney.

Nina says Ava already agreed, and Ava says, in principle. She knows Nina is excited about the possibility of landing her story, but words are not binding. She has yet to sign a contract. She tells Nina not to worry. She hasn’t received any competing offers since this morning. Nina says if she wants to take her story to the silver screen, have at it. She has full rights. Ava says, no business will be done until she reads the fine print. You never know what little tricks could be lurking. Nina says there are no tricks, but Ava says, better safe than sorry. Jax walks in, and says they’re not planning starting without him, are they?

Drew asks Kim if she’d like a liquor nip, and she says, maybe later. She’s feeling wiped out. He says, Kilimanjaro will do that to you. She says seeing their sons ashes just floating in the wind… She has no words. Drew asks if she wants to watch the sunset from the balcony, and she likes that idea. She wants to freshen up a little first. She tells him she’s feeling out of it, and collapses.

Drew sits on the bed next to Kim, and tells her that she fainted. He had the concierge bring a doctor. Does she remember? She says, not really. He asks if she knows where she is, and she says, where? He says, Tanzania. For Oscar. She says, Oscar’s there? He tells her the doctor said she needs rest. Just go to sleep. She’ll feel better in morning. She says, no, she won’t. When she wakes up, she’ll remember Oscar is gone.

Josslyn looks at Oscar’s old texts. She texts, I miss u and I love u. A text comes back, I miss u. I love you too.

Nina says she wasn’t aware that Jax was planning on attending the meeting. He says he’s very hands on. He tells Maxie that Josslyn is in the front office, and asks her to show Josslyn around. Maxie says, maybe later, but he thinks now is a good time, and she says, okay. Nina says they’re just waiting for Ava to sign the contract. Jax says, the ball is in her court, and Ava says, it appears so. She looks at the contract, and says, oh dear. Nina asks if there’s a problem, and Ava says, problems. Plural. She think they should take a seat. She’ll start with page one, line one.

Curtis tells Stella that he’ll be glad to put this place in his rear view. Valerie steps out of the elevator, and Curtis says, thank God. What’s the word on Pentonville?

Elizabeth and Franco leave Jordan to talk to Doc. He asks how she’s feeling, and she tells him, ask her when she’s not dragging and IV around. She’s happy to be alive. She asks if he’s spoken to his brother, and he says, before the surgery. She says, not since? He tells her that he said everything he had to say when he asked Ryan for help. Jordan says, and he refused. Doc says, Stella had better luck. Jordan wonders what she was able to say that Ryan’s own brother couldn’t. He says him talking to Ryan was doomed from the start, but he had to try. Ryan would do anything to spite him, but he was more receptive to Stella. Jordan would like to speak to Ryan herself. Doc says he understands the impulse, but it’s impossible. Ryan is in a coma, and has been remanded to Pentonville. She asks if he’ll wake up, but Doc doesn’t know. She asks him to help her up.

Curtis asks Valerie what else Ryan remembers. She says, it’s what he can’t remember that concerns her. Joran comes up, and Curtis asks what she’s doing up. She asks why he didn’t tell her that Ryan was in a coma? Does anyone want to tell her what’s going on? Valerie says, Ryan is awake, and Jordan says, good. His victims and their families deserve their day in court. Anything else? Valerie tells her that he’s been saying crazy stuff. Jordan asks, what kind of crazy stuff?

Nina doesn’t think Ava will like what she might find elsewhere. Untrustworthy editors, and ass kissing stylists. She’s not going to fawn over Ava, but she’ll be fair. If they follow the plan, she thinks they’ll put out a story that benefits the both of them, and the readers will be satisfied that they know the real Ava Jerome. Ava says, all her life, she’s been defined by her mistakes, and treated as less than. She gets up, and Nina asks if she doesn’t want to reclaim her narrative. Now’s her chance. She’ll get even-handedness, and the opportunity to tell her story her way, in her words. Jax says it’s ironic that Ava is concerned about preserving her integrity and her voice, since Connie Falconari has neither, thanks to her.

Maxie asks if Josslyn is okay. Josslyn says, sorry; she was just reading something. Maxie says Josslyn can talk to her, and asks, what’s going on? Josslyn says, this, and shows Maxie the texts. She says, whoever is reading them can’t be Oscar. She was actually going to delete the contact, and sent one last text. Someone is reading them. Maxie says, eerie. Josslyn looks again, and says, his dad. Of course (🍷). More texts come in, and she says, it’s Drew. Drew texts that he found Oscar’s phone in Kim’s suitcase. He didn’t know she still had this. They miss him too. He’s at rest on the Kilimanjaro summit. His greatest wish was for her to be okay. She says she can’t read anymore, and Maxie take the phone. She reads, it’s a hard thing to be, isn’t it? How can they be okay without Oscar? They have to try, and they’ll help her if she helps them. Maxie hugs Josslyn.

Kim rubs Drew’s shoulder. He says he’s sorry, but she tells him, it’s okay. He never has to apologize for showing his feelings. Drew turns to her, and she sees Oscar smiling.

Valerie tells Joran that Ryan acted like he was surprised, saying he never consented. Stella says he clearly gave his consent. Jordan says Doc is quiet, and Doc says he was afraid this would happen. Ryan is hoping to mitigate his crimes, and realized diminished capacity is more effective. Stella asks if he’s going to use this as part of an insanity defense, and Doc says, what better way to prove he’s losing time and was suffering from a fugue state when he donated the kidney? Jordan says, there’s no way in hell Ryan is getting out. She tells Curtis to get the ball rolling, and get to the bottom of this. They all leave, and Jordan calls Chase. She says she needs him to run down a couple of things, and be sure to keep them to himself.

Ryan says GH removed his kidney without consent, but Finn says his signature is on all of the paperwork. Ryan says, impossible. He never would have agreed. Finn says it’s normal to have gaps in memory. After his little chat with Stella, he saw the light. Ryan says he barely knows Stella. He never would have agreed, especially not to Jordan. That kind of sappy, selflessness… Kevin. It was him. Finn and his brother conspired to steal his kidney.

Ava tells Jax that his negotiating tactic is failing. Nina apologizes on behalf of Crimson. Ava says this is unprofessional, and Nina says she wants to define parameters. She wants readers to have a clear picture of her. Jax asks if that includes Ava’s body count. He was a personal friend of Connie’s, helping her build the magazine from the ground up. The magazine is Connie’s legacy, and it means a lot. This used to be her office, but Ava knows that; she killed Connie there. Ava says she doesn’t need to be reminded. It was a horrible night. Jax says maybe the readers need to be reminded. Nina says Jax doesn’t speak for her, and Jax says he speaks for the dead; a brilliant woman who was robbed of her life. At least she saw it coming, since Ava had a gun. Morgan wasn’t so lucky. He had no idea she was messing with his medication. Since they’re publishing her story, he wonders how Ava is planning to answer those questions.

Franco tells Elizabeth that Friday is the four month anniversary of their jailhouse wedding. It’s been even longer since their earthquake non-wedding. He thinks they should seize the day, barring any natural disasters or false arrests. They’ve talked about having a proper celebration, but there will never be a perfect time. The world isn’t going to stop spinning, even for them. He wants to publicly acknowledge a celebration of their marriage, family, and future. She thinks he might be right, and he tells her to brush off her dancing shoes.

Drew tells Kim, the side effects from the drugs the doctor gave her could cause confusion. She holds his face in her hands, and says she sees right through him. Just like she could his father. He should have seen his father m in navy uniform should have asked stick around maybe ll needed reason stay written told him about o maybe could have had chance to be a family the three of them or more can he imagine a little brother or sister drew says yeah o that would have been something she’s sorry he deserved more fam than gave him can he forgive he

Josslyn tells Maxie that she never got to actually say goodbye to Oscar. She never really said the words before he died. She was there when it happened, but she was asleep. When she woke up, he was gone. Maxie takes her hand. Josslyn says she keeps thinking about what could have happened if she’d stayed awake and talked to him, but missed her chance; he’s gone. Maxie says she can bring him back.

Kim tells Drew/Oscar that she’s sorry she failed him. Can he forgive her? Drew touches her face, and Oscar says, there’s nothing to forgive. She’s all the family he ever needed. She reunited him with his dad, and they all came together like she wanted. Kim says they almost made it, and he says, almost. He tells her, get some sleep, and she lies down. She asks if he’ll be there when she wakes up. He says he’ll always there with her. She asks if he promises, and he says he does. She closes her eyes, and Drew cries a little. I’m getting teary just editing that.

Josslyn says, bring back? Does she mean like spiritually? Maxie says, yeah. It sounds a little… Josslyn says Sonny told her how he feels sometimes. How the ones he’s lost stay with him. Maxie asks if Josslyn has ever felt that way. Josslyn says when she was singing at the Nurses Ball, she looked out in the audience, and swears Oscar was right there. She wishes there was some way to get that feeling back. Maxie has some ideas.

Nina tells Ava that she’s so sorry. Ava says she’s used to it, but not when person hurling insults wants something from her. Nina suggests they take a breather; settle down and get some fresh air. They can revisit this. She tells Ava the contract has a lot of wiggle room, and she can address Ava’s concerns. Ava calls it a hatchet job, and says she’s not giving Crimson her story. She has a little piece of business advice. A bait and switch should happen after the bait is swallowed. Nina says it’s a legit offer, but Ava says, hard pass, and leaves. Nina looks at Jax, and he shrugs.

Curtis tells Jordan that he has a call in to the warden. A visit will be arranges as soon as she’s ready. She says they need to talk. He asks who she was on the phone with, and she says Chase. He says she’s not supposed to be working, and she says she’s not. Chase just made a few calls on her behalf. Ryan always knew he’d be put away, and would never willingly part with his kidney. What if someone forced him to? The cause of the seizure was never identified. Curtis says it was probably an adverse reaction to medication, and Jordan says, maybe, but maybe it was intentional. We flash back, then see the scene unfold as she talks. Curtis asks if she’s suggesting someone poisoned him. Who would do that? She says, someone who wanted to see the transplant go through. Someone who could get in and out without arousing suspicion. Someone trained. He says everyone who went in was logged. She doubts they acted alone. They would have needed a lookout. We see Finn administering the shot, while Valerie stands at the door. Curtis says she’s got a conspiracy theory going. Ryan was poisoned, then what? How did that lead to him consenting to donate his kidney? We see Elizabeth and Finn with an unconscious Ryan. Jordan says Chase confirmed the tests occurred, and it was ruled a one-off, but what if it wasn’t? Ryan went to ICU, where he was switched out. What if it was Doc? He would know how to impersonate Ryan; he’s been doing it since childhood. If anyone could forge Ryan’s signature, it would be his twin brother. Chase is tracking Doc’s movements. Curtis says Ryan didn’t have surgery until the next morning. He had plenty of time to speak up. She says, unless he wasn’t switched back until right before he went to the OR. They could have put him where he wouldn’t be disturbed while everything was taking place. We see Finn and Elizabeth wheeling Ryan down the hall. Curtis asks if she thinks Franco is in on this. She says, why not? He hates Ryan, and he was working that night and morning. The records show Franco canceled his art therapy appointments because he spilled toxic material in the therapy room. Curtis says, making the room off limits. She says, and somewhere to stash Ryan. Curtis says maintenance would have had to go in there, but Jordan says, maybe they were working with someone familiar with the GH system, who redirected the maintenance crew elsewhere. He says that’s one hell of a plot, and kind of improbable. She says, it’s a stretch, but as smart as the conspirators are, there’s still one thing missing – someone to dream it all up. We see Doc, Finn, Valerie, Franco, and Elizabeth sitting together. Curtis joins them, and asks if they’re all in. They nod, and he says, good. This is how he sees it playing out. Jordan says, they need a ringleader.

Kim calls for Drew. She tells him that she’s groggy, and he says altitude sickness did a number on her. He asks what’s the last thing she remembers? She says they were going to watch the sunset. He says, that’s it. He’s going to get her water and some breakfast, and she says, okay. She snuggles into the blankets, and says, a little brother or sister. Can you imagine?

Josslyn asks if Maxie has actually done anything like this before. She hasn’t, but she knows Lucy is super into this stuff. Lucy says there’s no guarantee it will happen, but if she needs to get in touch with Oscar one more time, why not give it a try. They look at an article about séances online.

Nina asks what possessed Jax to go off on Ava like that. He admits it was unprofessional, but she says he doesn’t make mistakes like that. He’s the shark of all sharks. She says, that’s it. He says, what? and she says he’s been playing her. He wants to see her fail. He says he only proposed budget modifications, not even cuts. She says it will eventually lead to lower sales, which lead to layoffs, and then the death knell. Jax says he lost his temper, and Nina says, ya think? He asks what she wants him to do, and she says, go to Ava. She doesn’t care what he says. Just get her to sign.

Ryan says Finn did this. Finn and his brother. Finn tells him not to pop a stitch. Ryan says he’ll pay Finn and everyone else back. No prison ever held him, and one day he’ll get out. It’s only a matter of time. He’ll come for each of them, one by one. Finn asks if he knows just what he sounds like – crazy – and leaves.

Curtis tells Jordan, it’s quite a theory. Does she have proof to back it up? She says she could go looking, but it’s next to impossible. If the ringleader is who she thinks it is, there’s no way they’d leave evidence. He says, smart woman.

Someone with a laundry cart goes into Ryan’s room. He says, well now. Don’t I know you from somewhere?

Tomorrow, Ava says take her as she is, Shiloh says the most important thing is to find his son, Sonny tells Brad that he’s not letting anything happen to that little boy, and Nelle tells Ryan, welcome to Pentonville.

The Real Housewives of New York City

Bethenny asks Tinsley if Brett called, and Tinsley shows her his text. It says if she can escape later, let him know. He’ll take her for a down low drink. Tinsley asks what that is, and Bethenny says, somewhere not so crazed. She needs to talk to Sonja, who decided to stand on a glass coffee table the night before, and almost broke it, in addition to breaking a glass. We see a clip of drunk Sonja, and Bethenny in mom mode, saying she’s not playing games. Bethenny says it was too close to the night before, and too erratic. In her interview, Bethenny says she wants Sonja to enjoy herself, and not ruin the party. Bethenny is feeling like a top getting wound up.

Bethenny tells Sonja that the other night was relatively scary, and she’s genuinely worried. Sonja almost put her foot through the glass. Sonja says she was just being funny and dramatic. Ramona suggests less drinking, less drama. Sonja thinks Bethenny is being overly concerned, but Ramona thinks it’s a wake-up call. Bethenny suggests Sonja go with LuAnn to an AA meeting. It’s like free therapy. LuAnn is glad sge;s not only one who’s noticed. Someone else has finally taken the blinders off. Sonja says Bethenny is coming from a place of compassion, but LuAnn is coming from a judgmental place. Bethenny tells LuAnn that Sonja doesn’t want to hear it from her. In Sonja’s interview, she says she doesn’t want to go, and doesn’t think she’ll benefit from it; but if Bethenny and Ramona think it’s the proactive thing to do, she will.

Trainer Derek works with Barbara. Tinsley tells Ramona that Brett is off limits. Ramon says he’s not for Tinsley, but Tinsley says, it doesn’t matter. She can still kiss him. In her interview, Ramona says that no one is off limits unless they have a ring. They’re free game, In Tinsley’s interview, she thinks Ramona should take her ass back to Harry. She has this one. She brings up a picture of Ramona and Harry swallowing each other from the TMZ website. LuAnn says that’s not kissing; it’s sucking face. Dorinda says they’re suction cupping each other, and in her interview, says they were exchanging tonsils. Bethenny says they were having sex with mouths. At this point, you shouldn’t have to see the picture to get the picture. And really, you don’t want to.

Sonja comes out in a lacy top, and LuAnn says she looks fabulous, but she doesn’t think it’s appropriate for a meeting. In her interview, LuAnn says it’s AA, not Club Med for singles. Tone it down. Sonja goes to change, and Bethenny says Barbara doesn’t seem happy. Barbara says no one is interacting with her. She knows she’s different from them, and that doesn’t mean they can’t have great time together, but she feels like she’s doing it by herself. Ramona suggests she’s not bonding with the others because she’s giving off those vibes. They can feel the negative energy. Bethenny agrees she’s been a bit of a Debbie Downer. LuAnn says people pick up on the energy, and she and Bethenny say, it’s everything, together, which was kind of weird. In Barbara’s interview, she says she’s been on her own. LuAnn hasn’t helped her. She’s checked out, and is only worried about herself. Bethenny thinks Barbara wants leave, and Barbara starts to cry. In her interview, she compares it to being dropped off at camp, standing by yourself, seeing the mean girls nearby. That’s exactly what it feels like. Bethenny says LuAnn relied on Barbara, but now LuAnn doesn’t seem to be there for her. Barbara says she feels alone, and Bethenny tells her to start talking to people. Get her bathing suit on, and get in the game. Bethenny hugs her, and LuAnn says she’ll meet Sonja by the front door. Sonja mumbles that she doesn’t really want to go, and calls LuAnn a bossy bitch. Like she’s the first alcoholic who walked the earth. She meets LuAnn, and in her interview, Sonja says she had to change, and LuAnn’s skirt has a slit up to her who-ha.

Ramona says every day is Saturday in Miami. Coming back from the meeting, Sonja tells LuAnn, the cutest guy there tried to pick her up. In Sonja’s interview, she says she was cringing inside at the meeting. The whole time she felt helpless, and it only made her feel worse that she can’t help them. LuAnn was in her element. In the car, LuAnn asks what Sonja thought, and Sonja say she’s not into it. Like the guy who said he’s isolated. She’s isolated in her own head. In her interview, she says she can’t let their stories go. She plays them over in her head, and it makes her upset.

The women go to a cabana by a pool and the beach. Bethenny asks if anyone is hungry. Sonja changes her clothes in the car. Dorinda says she hasn’t eaten since yesterday at lunch. LuAnn and Sonja join them, and Barbara asks if they spoke. Sonja says LuAnn did. It’s another opportunity to get on the stage. Ha-ha! I couldn’t have said it better. Sonja starts fretting about everything being wet in the cabana. There’s sand all over. LuAnn says, they’re at the beach. So of course there’s sand. Sonja tells Bethenny this isn’t working for her. In Bethenny’s interview, she says she understands each meeting is different, and thinks where they went triggered Sonja in some way. Bethenny says they’ll leave. They move out, and Sonja wails about everything being wet. Dorinda says, that came out of nowhere.

Ramona asks, what happened? and Sonja says she didn’t like the meeting. There were people talking about living in the street. It’s like when you take the subway because you can’t get a car because it takes so long. If there was a camera here, this is where I’d stare blankly at it. She says she feels bad for the people. LuAnn likes to talk, telling them about getting arrested and getting out of the handcuffs, and she makes people laugh. It makes Sonja sad. It’s ironic that she’s in a happy place, but she feels alone in the process of her daughter’s life. Her daughter’s dad is getting old, and won’t be there forever. She feels overwhelmed. Bethenny suggests getting food to go. Sonja says she’s having a great time in the house. She can’t be where they are after what she saw. LuAnn asks, how about a swim? In her interview, Dorinda says LuAnn is in need of a hearing test. Can she not hear Sonja is upset? Give the swim a minute. Sonja gets weepy, and LuAnn asks if she wants to go to the beach. In her interview, Bethenny says, LuAnn has sequin earmuffs on. She’s not aware of her surroundings. LuAnn says she’s going for a swim. She’ll see them back at the house. In her interview, LuAnn doesn’t understand where this is coming from. Dorinda tells Bethenny that LuAnn just kept talking about going to the beach. Bethenny says LuAnn is devoid of humanity.

Sonja says she doesn’t like talk, but you need to get the hook for some of the people. Dorinda says, whatever works, and Bethenny says, if it works, keep working it (an AA saying). Everyone forgot about the food, and Ramona calls LuAnn, leaving a message for her to bring truffle fries back. Bethenny decides to make crabcakes. LuAnn sits in a beach chair. Bethenny says Sonja had a breakdown at the pool, and Ramona says LuAnn is so insensitive. Dorinda says she’s more worried about getting to the beach than Sonja. She wanted Sonja to go to the meeting, but then doesn’t hold her hand afterwards. In Sonja’s interview, she says she was upset that LuAnn was the only one who didn’t check on her after she fell. Now she needs to go to the beach. LuAnn should not just be with her, but with the group. Ramona toasts to Bethenny, and Sonja for having a meltdown.

LuAnn looks at the poster for her upcoming show, and grins at herself. In Bethenny’s interview, she says LuAnn’s favorite topic is LuAnn. Of course she’s want to visit her poster. She’s not aware that they’re full of the LuAnn buffet. LuAnn grabs some stranger to take a picture of her by the poster. Ramona tells them about LuAnn saying everyone is jealous of her success. Barbara says, she did not. She can’t believe LuAnn left her. It’s making her realize LuAnn is not really present; not for either one of them. She’s seeing the light. Bethenny toasts to Barbara feeling included. She tells Barbara that LuAnn was scheduled for a massage, but she isn’t there. She tells Barbara to take her place. Ramona says LuAnn has been absent all day. You snooze, you lose.

Two hours later. In LuAnn’s interview, she says she’s happy to be out of the house needed time clear head and chill (and look at herself). When she comes back, she finds Sonja and Dorinda waiting for massages. She say she’s glad she went to the beach. Sonja says everyone wondered where she was. They didn’t think she’d spend the afternoon there. Dorinda tells her that Sonja felt emotionally broken down, and thought LuAnn would spend time with her. LuAnn is shocked because Sonja seemed fine in the car. Sonja says she bring up some things, but LuAnn didn’t want to get in deeper. LuAnn says Sonja talked negatively about something she cares about. She says Sonja really went for Bethenny, and should go for herself. Don’t do her any favors. Sonja says it was a rough meeting, and LuAnn tells her not to judge. Sonja says she’s not, and LuAnn is judging her. Open her eyes. In Dorinda’s interview, she says she struggles between wanting to hug and kiss the old LuAnn, and be horrified at the new one, Sonja says she’s not an attention seeker like LuAnn. She likes to make people laugh so they feel better, LuAnn is a diva, but a good diva. LuAnn is like, okay, cool.

Bethenny gets her period, and says it’s a dry county there when comes to tampons. Barbara uses some self-tanner, and makes the white rug look like a crime scene. Tinsley says she and Brett have been talking all day. She shows Bethenny the texts. Brett says she’s adorable, and sends a kissy face. Bethenny sends a text to him, asking him to meet at a restaurant, and he can go when her friends come. Tinsley says she doesn’t know who’s meeting him now. In Bethenny’s interview, she says alcohol is its own excuse for Tinsley to call Scott in the middle of the night, and start the cycle again. Dorinda tells Bethenny that LuAnn was pissed because there was no massage table in her room, and she’s pouting. In her interview, Bethenny says, you can’t swim, visit your billboard, pray at the shrine of yourself, and be first in line for hair and a massage. Pick a lane. Ramona says she’ll check on Sonja, since LuAnn doesn’t give a sh*t about her. Bethenny says they’re taking two cars to dinner anyway. In her interview, Ramona says she’s not saying they’re not justified, but it’s not nice to leave LuAnn to get there on her own. Ramona makes a remark about Tinsley going on a date rather than spending time we them. Another blank camera stare from me.

Tinsley finds out Brett is in law enforcement, and tells him about her mug shot. She babbles about her mother, and says she might be okay with just chihuahuas. That’s good, because she might end up with just chihuahuas. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

LuAnn gripes to Ramona that everyone got their hair blown out, and Ramona says, first come, first served. Ramona texted LuAnn earlier, and she didn’t respond. Getting in the car, Sonja says the air conditioning makes her poop, and Bethenny tells her, stop bragging. LuAnn says she’ll be three minutes. Ramona can’t believe the other women didn’t wait. She and LuAnn get in the car.

The first car gets to the restaurant, Barton G, and Bethenny wants a date update. She peeks in, and tells he others that Tinsley is kissing him already. Brett tells her, enjoy the night. In her interview, Tinsley says she’s no other kind of slut, she is but she is a kissing slut. Bethenny says, tell her everything, and Tinsley says they had fun. She likes him. Bethenny is dying; she so can’t believe it. Sonja thinks kissing on the first date isn’t a great way to start, if you want to get married and have babies. Um… really? LuAnn says she’s stressed out; she was the last massage on the list. She got one, but it was rushed. Dorinda says she wasn’t there. LuAnn whines that the hairdresser left. She’s always last, but it doesn’t matter. We all choke a little. In her interview, Dorinda says the hostess of Bluestone Manor wasn’t around to make arrangements for the Countess. LuAnn shows them her Instagram, with the picture of her in front of the poster, and tells them she’s still promoting the show.

They get menus, and LuAnn orders crabcakes. In Dorinda’s interview, she says they had them for lunch. If LuAnn is ordering the crabcakes she missed at lunch, she should order the truffle fries she didn’t bring them back at lunch. Bethenny has ordered some things ahead, including a special mocktail for LuAnn. Barbara tells LuAnn, there’s something that’s upsetting her. She doesn’t know if LuAnn remembers or acknowledges it, but when she was in rehab, Barbara legit stopped her life for LuAnn, but she doesn’t feel like LuAnn’s had her back. She was upset today. In Dorinda’s interview, she says, the potion has worn off, and the hangover is gone. Barbara has an opinion, and this time, maybe it’s not favorable. Barbara says she just wanted a hug. LuAnn wants to give Barbara a hug right now. Bethenny says she’s cutting Barbara off. She doesn’t want Barbara to get her thoughts out. In Bethenny’s interview, she says LuAnn forgot to give Barbara the Kool-Aid, and it’s wearing off. Maybe some will seep into Barbara’s pores, and she’ll get back in the cult. Barbara tells LuAnn that she feels that sometimes her relationship with LuAnn is more important than LuAnn’s with her. Bethenny was hugging her while she was crying, and telling her that she didn’t feel engaged with the group. Dorinda says Barbara was too busy taking care of LuAnn, instead of engaging with them. In her interview, LuAnn seems to think they’ve been brainwashing Barbara. Barbara says she’s been protective of LuAnn; she’s protective of the people she loves. LuAnn says that’s not her fault, but Tinsley says LuAnn let Barbara do that for her; protect her and be her shield. But she never stood up for Barbara. Tinsley trips over her words a little, and LuAnn makes fun of her, and that she’s drinking. When the rest of the table reacts, LuAnn insists she just didn’t understand what Tinsley said. In Bethenny’s interview, she says, when LuAnn started making fun of Tinsley slurring her words, it just hit her sideways. She asks LuAnn who the eff does she think she is? And calls her insufferable.

Tinsley says, yeah, she’s drinking. So what? At this point, the other patrons are starting to look at them. Tinsley says LuAnn didn’t see how much Barbara was hurt because she left. LuAnn says she goes for a swim, and look what happens. She has to be careful leaving the room. In her interview, she says, how selfish of her, going for a swim. She wonders if they built her up just to tear her down. She struggles every day, and it’s to put up with this bullsh*t? Bethenny asks when was the last time LuAnn asked her how she’s doing about Dennis? LuAnn says when was the last time Bethenny asked about her? It’s reciprocal. Bethenny says she asks all the time. She says LuAnn is intolerable; she’s never changed. She’s dining out on her sobriety. In her interview, LuAnn says that’s a low blow, basically saying she’s using her sobriety as a crutch. It’s insensitive and cruel. Actually, I took it to mean she’s profiting from it. She wonders if Bethenny thinks it’s easy, and says Bethenny is bully strong. Bethenny says Dennis helped her. LuAnn asks if she’s the only one who hasn’t checked in, and someone says they all have. Ramona says LuAnn is self-absorbed, which is mind-blowing coming from Ramona. LuAnn says she’s persona non grata, but Sonja says if they didn’t love her, they wouldn’t be upset. LuAnn says this isn’t enjoyable for her, and Bethenny says, because it’s true. She did an intervention for LuAnn, and her guy died of an overdose. LuAnn never even asked how she is, because LuAnn is always going through a lot. Life is not actually a cabaret. It didn’t have to come to this, but because she’s so self-absorbed, this is where they are. LuAnn tells Bethenny, look at yourself, and Bethenny tells LuAnn, look in the mirror. She’s never asked about Dennis. Bethenny starts getting loud, saying every second is about LuAnn.  She had no massage because she’s an a-hole who couldn’t even have lunch with them because she had to look at her own poster. Ramona starts to cry, saying LuAnn is missing Bethenny’s pain. It’s so sad. Bethenny says she had lawyers come in on a Sunday. She sat outside in LuAnn’s driveway to make sure she didn’t crash her car. LuAnn was running in a field in her negligee, and had to be taken in a cop car, but Bethenny made sure there it wasn’t on record so she wouldn’t be arrested. She’s a sicko, who left rehab early. The rehab that Bethenny got her for free. LuAnn says she had to work, and Bethenny says, it was cabaret. In her interview, Dorinda says she doesn’t think this is entirely about LuAnn. Bethenny has a lot on her plate, and she doesn’t know how much this is about Dennis. Bethenny can’t take the frivolity of the bullsh*t anymore. This is making me want to cry. Bethenny breaks down, bawling, and LuAnn looks totally dispassionate.

Next time, Bethenny wants to go home, and doesn’t want LuAnn near her; Ramona talks to LuAnn about Mario; Bethenny says Dorinda’s new place has no evidence of John; and LuAnn records a new song.

🙊 I almost died laughing when tonight’s secret word on Watch What Happens Live was cabaret. Dorinda and Sonja were guests stars. There will also be a week of special episodes, starting Sunday, June 16^th, at 10 pm, celebrating the show’s tenth anniversary.

Southern Charm

Kathryn admitted to in her interview that she’s not always as communicative as she should be, as but she has a lot to deal with in constantly having to prove herself, so she’s not apologizing for it. As they made s’mores by the fire, Danni wanted Kathryn to know she had her back. Cameran was a little hungover, and wondered how the coffee bean grinder in their fairytale treehouse was magical. She told Chelsea, it was both relief and anxiety to leave Palmer. Some days she wished she was the one going to work, since being a mom was a job with no paycheck. Kathryn felt betrayed by Danni, who made her feel bad about herself. On the pillow front, Craig said he was not a good waker upper. Me neither. Assistant Anna told him, getting up, having good solid day, and not being hungover was the way to go. Pillow orders were piling up, and she said they were eventually going to need help eventually. Craig had the brilliant idea of a pillow party, where he would Tom Sawyer his friends into making pillows. Shep said the only thing he knew to do with a pillow was passing out with one under his head. Hanging out with Naomie – who gave a hard pass to the pillow party – Chelsea didn’t know if they were making pillows, sitting on pillows in a circle, or having a pillow fight.

For whatever idiotic reason, Austen had made a habit of talking smack about Chelsea to Madison. Now that they were broken up, Madison was sending the screenshots to Chelsea. Finding out about it during his haircut, Shep told Craig, he didn’t know what worse, the cheating or the screenshots. He thought that Madison was diabolical, and should write a book on warfare. The guys thought about renting an RV, and taking a road trip to do an intervention on Austen. I wasn’t sure for what exactly. Screwing up relationships? Naomie thought Chelsea should confront Austen, and Chelsea agreed that she couldn’t let it go too long without it being addressed. Danni met with her mom, and they talked about boring stuff.

Austen’s father told him, in business, expect something going wrong. Making a note of that. In his interview, Austen explained that his original brewer was too expensive, so he shopped around. He found what he thought was the one, and production came to a halt because of a needed part. His father said the devil was in the details, and the details had just bit Austen in the ass. Austen felt judged by his parents, saying in his interview, that they were his biggest cheerleaders, but also his biggest pitas. His dad asked about Madison, and Austen said their relationship was non-existent. His dad asked if Austen sabotaged relationships, and told him, to be happy was to be at ease with himself. Austen said he wasn’t at ease because he wasn’t where he wanted to be in his life.

Madison visited Patricia, and they had one of Michael’s famous bourbon sours. If LVP is unavailable, Patricia is a close second for my adoptive mother. Patricia said she’d known Madison for ten years, and had mentored her, giving her advice on marriage and divorce, being an expert. She didn’t want to talk at the salon, since Charleston is a small town. Madison told Patricia about the break-up, and explained revenge sex. Patricia said, in her day, they had revenge marriage, which made more of an impact.

Kathryn met Craig at the fabric store, and immediately broke into tears. She didn’t know how she was going to explain the charge against Thomas to the kids. Craig suggested making her a pillow, and they fabric-ed it out. In his interview, Craig told us that he thinks he looks cool in eyeliner, and the girls like it. He also said not a lot of straight males were in the home business, but I’m not so sure about that today. Cameran, the first guest at the pillow party, said it looked like Craig was wearing eye makeup. When he said he was, she was like, par-tay! She was hoping Whitney would get contacts, since she can never look at him now without thinking of Kathryn saying he kept his glasses on during sex. Everyone was shocked that the pillow party was really a ruse to get them to make pillows. Whitney wondered how anyone could be passionate about pillows, and Shep didn’t think Craig would be retiring on old pillow money.

Patricia joined the group, saying she usually left the kids’ parties to the kids, but she had a soft spot for Craig. He could be a knucklehead, but an endearing one. Cameran pointed out that in the South, they hug and kiss, and pretend everything is fine, even if they want to claw each other’s eyes out. Chelsea confronted Austen, who said the texting was a drunken moment. She told him he could take his drunken whatever, and shove it up his ass. It couldn’t be an excuse, and it wasn’t just one time. It went back months. She asked why he was talking about her boyfriend and sex life to his girlfriend. The group inside could barely contain themselves, straining to hear. Craig said it was finally happening. Chelsea was letting Austen have it. Chelsea said Austen must be bitter about something, and he says he felt railroaded by some things she said at the reunion. She said those were things she’d talk to him about up front, and there was no reason to be discussing her sex drive or how tall her boyfriend with his girlfriend. Shep explained to Patricia what Austen had done. Austen told Chelsea that he was embarrassed and apologized. She forgave him, but said things would get ugly if it happened again. Shep said if Austen got back together with Madison, he was disassociating himself. When Chelsea and Austen came back inside, Austen chugged bourbon from the bottle. Patricia and most of the others got out while the getting was good. Shep thought Austen needed a reset, and suggested a trip to Nashville.

Kathryn found Chelsea and Danni talking about her in the kitchen, and was pretty miffed even though it wasn’t anything horrible. She blew past them, and Danni followed her, wanting to have a mature conversation. She told Kathryn not to be fake; Danni had been a good friend. Kathryn told her to eff off, and Danni split. Craig asked if it was something that happened on the camping trip, and Kathryn said kinda sorta. Chelsea found Danni crying outside. Danni told Chelsea that she’d been a good friend to Kathryn, and we saw clips of that. Chelsea insisted they have a conversation, but Kathryn didn’t want to. Shep told her that she couldn’t get angry at genuine concern, and called her an effing child, at which point, she walked out.

Next time, Cameran interviews someone to help her with Palmer, Danni says Kathryn has trust issues, we meet Kathryn’s new squeeze, and the guys begin their road trip.

⏰ It Flies…

Whether you’re having fun or not. How the blip did it get to be 3:30 in the morning?