Tag Archives: Lisa Vanderpump

December 29, 2015 — PC NYE & the Hills of Beverly

Standard

What I Watched Today

(random, rambling thoughts on today’s TV)

 

General Hospital

Sonny tells Dante that he’s grateful to Kiki for getting Avery to him for a Christmas visit. Meanwhile, Morgan, who is at the MetroCourt, asks Kiki to join him. She says since she’s working, that wouldn’t be very professional.

Nicholas tells Hayden that if he shows mercy to Jason, Jason could be in his debt. Hayden says she saw him go over the railing and thought he was dead. Nicholas flirts with her a little. I have news for him, I don’t think Jason would ever feel like he’s in Nicholas’s debt.

Maxie shows up at Patrick’s to see Robin. Patrick says she’s not there, and Maxie tells him he’s nuts for losing sight of her.

Jason tells Robin that even though she’s like a stranger to him, he owes her his life. She says ditto. She gives him the Reader’s Digest Condensed version of what happened to her. She tells him he’s the reason she has a life to come back to.

Hayden says she missed Nicholas, for the obvious reasons, that he takes care of her, but she missed his company as well. Geez, it’s not like he’s been there that long. She says she missed the dance they do with each other. He says maybe they should stop dancing and start trusting. Yeah, that’s the ticket. You do that.

Kiki tells Morgan that hating her mom wasn’t getting her anywhere, so she’s decided to move on. She’s not forgiving or forgetting, but she’s willing to tolerate Ava for Avery’s sake.

Dante is under the impression that Sonny made up with Ava, but Sonny says she’s even more dangerous now. He tells Dante that he needs to decide where he stands with Lulu.

Lulu tells Johnny that she and Dante made an effort to get along on Christmas for Rocco’s sake. She thinks once Valerie is out of the picture, they’ll have a chance. Johnny says he’d be remiss if he didn’t tell her he thinks she’s making a mistake.

Sonny tells Dante if he put half the effort into getting Lulu back that he does in justifying why he shouldn’t, everything would be different. Sonny says that because Dante screwed up, he thinks that’s that and isn’t even trying to fix things. Yep. Lazy. Moving on to the next one is just so much easier.

Jordan tells Valerie that she has a New Year’s date with someone she met at a law enforcement convention. She likes that he understands her job, but they don’t work together. She tells Valerie that she’s lucky her dalliance with Dante didn’t ruin her career.

Dante comes to the hospital to question Nicholas and Hayden. Hayden doesn’t want to leave Nicholas and Dante asks if that’s because she’s afraid their stories won’t match.

Jason says he wanted to get away to think and that he likes the view of the city. Robin says the bridge is important to her because that’s where they fell in love.

Paul is having a drink and texting Raj about the next transaction. Raj says they’ll talk soon. Dillon appears and says he and Paul need to talk and how could he screw over Tracy again. Dillon says he’s spent all this time regaining Tracy’s trust and then caused her to mistrust him all over again. Paul says he wasn’t being unfaithful as he and Tracy had no plans for the future. Dillon says he played the both of them.

Dante questions Nicholas. Hayden watches from the hall wondering what they’re saying. Curtis calls Hayden and says he’s found a match for the bullet.

Sonny tells Max he’s expecting a call that should shed light on some things.

Patrick tells Maxie that Robin was coerced into leaving him and Emma, and he doesn’t want to push anything. Maxie doesn’t understand why they don’t just get back together.

Robin tells Jason about Stone dying from AIDS and how he wanted to bungee jump off the bridge. She says after he passed away, she found out she was HIV positive. Back then it was a death sentence and she would come to the bridge thinking about the future she was never going to have. She says one day Jason showed up, and after he’d had an accident, he was a changed man. Jason says he’s changed again and wishes people would accept it. Robin tells him his friends aren’t the sit and wait type and they just want their old Jason back. He says what she’s telling him is a story, but not a memory. She says he’s back where he started, without a past, but not she has a future because of him.

Robin says she was lucky because her family and friends were so supportive. She says there was a lot of pressure to be positive all the time, but with him it was different. She could tell him everything. Jason asks her to tell him more. Robin says she was offered a meds cocktail. She would have to take 30 pills a day and she wasn’t sure if she wanted that kind of commitment without knowing if it would work. She says Jason told her he would be supportive no matter what, but that her life was important and she should fight for that. She says everything she’s done since then wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t helped her make that decision.

Patrick says he’s already lost Robin twice and doesn’t want to again. Maxie says if Robin gets hit by a bus, he’s going to be sorry he didn’t do everything possible to keep them together. I swear, the men of Port Charles are lazier than the ones IRL.

Curtis makes small talk with a cop while he gives back the gun evidence. He tells him that his gratuity will be at The Floating Rib tonight. Curtis sees Jordan and says his job was a success. She says good, he can leave now, and he says no chance of that.

Dante asks Hayden who threw the first punch. She says everything is a jumble now, but when things become clear, she’ll contact the police. She goes in to see Nicholas.

Lulu says she doesn’t want a lecture on how Dante isn’t good enough for her. Johnny says he just thinks she can do better. She says, with who? You? And he says, why not?

Paul tells Dillon in retrospect it was probably a bad idea to get close to Tracy, but he thought they could be a family again. Dillon says they weren’t a family to begin with. Paul says he really wanted to connect with Dillon. Dillon says he’s done fine without Paul all these years, and he can do fine again. Paul says he hopes Dillon changes his mind.

Morgan hears Sonny talking in Spanish on the phone, and telling Max that Raj has a shipment coming that they’re going to shut down.

Curtis tells Jordan that he can understand what she likes about Port Charles. He says no one would have suspected how well she was going to do, and that Jordan is going to play a big part in his future.

Valerie sees Dante and says she has a present for him and asks if they can meet later. He tells her that he saw Lulu over the holidays and things are better.

Johnny reminds Lulu that they once loved each other. She says it was a long time ago and their lives took different paths. Johnny says look what going for the good, stable guy got her. She says Rocco is her reason for everything.

Robin says Jason was a good guy and she thinks he still is. He says he doesn’t think so, but his friends keep coming back. He asks what happened between them. Robin says his loyalty to Sonny stopped them from being together. Jason says he must have been an idiot, but Robin tells him he was just being true to himself. She says she went to Paris and he wished her well. He says he’s glad his wishes for her came true. She says he was reckless and fearless and no one thought he’d live past 30, except she believed he had a future and she still does. She kisses him on the cheek and leaves.

Dante, being the moron he is, tells Valerie he still has feelings for her. She says she’s ending things for both their sakes. She says it’s only hurting both of them and she doesn’t want to jeopardize her career either.

Lulu says if there was no Rocco, she would throw down with Valerie herself, but she has to make mom choices.

Morgan hears Sonny giving details about the pier Raj is going to be at later.

Maxie tells Dillon he might change his mind in the future. She says he’s changed, so there’s always a possibility. She asks him to come with her to meet Georgie, who is probably in college by now.

Hayden tells Nicholas what she told Dante. He says it took a tragedy for them to get to a better place in their relationship. He asks if it’s New Year’s Eve tonight, and she says yes, but he’s not going anywhere. He says he wants to kiss her at midnight and she says let’s have a preview now.

Jason, still on the bridge, remembers talking to Robin years ago.

Robin gets back to Patrick’s and he tells her she just missed Maxie. He says Maxie also gave him an earful and they talked about the future. Robin says she saw Jason, and they also talked about the future. She and Patrick gaze lovingly at each other.

Tomorrow, some Franco and some New Year’s Eve.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Mauricio told LisaR to go to Kyle’s store, pick out what she wants and send him the bill for her birthday gift. How do I get on that list? Lisa says she had a store at one point, but it became a liability after being robbed three times in six weeks. (!) Kyle says that her store is doing so well, they’re doing a pop-up shop in South Hampton and they discuss a field trip. Lisa picks out a trendy Moto jacket as her gift. Side note: Rich people always have the best sunglasses.

LisaV’s swan, Hanky, has a stomach infection and needs to go to the vet. She’s afraid he’s not going to make it. She has an event, a white party for Bella magazine, to attend and wants to make sure the swan is fine before she leaves. Swans are kind of nasty and Hanky is no exception. Yep. He drew blood on Ken and Lisa.

LisaV says animals are like children because they depend on you and that makes her love them even more. The vet says Hanky isn’t out of the woods yet, but he’s improving.

Yolanda introduces Erika to Kyle. The three ladies are walking in the park. Kyle asks about Yolanda’s trip to Canada. She saw the pictures on Instagram and says it’s a huge difference between those and the sick Yolanda. She’s decided to keep LisaR’s theories to herself. Kyle says she had been diagnosed with fibromyalgia after her mother died, but a lot of it was due to depression. In her individual interview, Yolanda talks about Lyme disease being a whole lot of things at once. She tells Kyle that you can’t judge someone by how they look and that is so true.

Erika tells Kyle she’s a show girl. She also has a son who’s a cop. She says her ex is a great guy, but it just didn’t work out. Yolanda suggests they go for a drink to introduce Erika to the other women. Erika says she only hangs out with gay men, except for a few exceptional women like Yolanda.

The doctors found silicone in Yolanda’s lymph nodes, so she’s going to Ohio to have her breast implants and whatever is floating around in her removed. I’m wondering if this isn’t the basis of her problem. She also says she breast fed and two of her children have Lyme disease and compromised immune systems. Kyle thinks this is odd, but Yolanda says they grew up on a ranch and in the barn and riding horses. Yolanda adds that there are no studies on how Botox affects the brain, so no more for her. Erika and Kyle balk at this, but Yolanda and I are in agreement here. One day they’re going to find out that all these implants and injections shorten life.

Lisa is getting a wax at home, since she’s going to be in a bathing suit soon. There’s a lot of personal talk between her and the…waxist (?) that doesn’t bear repeating here.

LisaV and Kyle are going to tour the studio at The Young and the Restless. I got to go to a taping of One Life to Live once, and it was a blast. Lisa keeps joking about wanting Eileen’s part and Eileen says it’s like All About Eve, one of my favorite movies. They check out wardrobe first and Eileen asks them to help her run lines. They try using the vending machine for a snack and have about as much luck as the rest of us trying to get it to take a dollar.

In Eileen’s very cool private space, Kyle brings up meeting Erika and they talk about going out for drinks. They also talk about Yolanda. LisaV says she didn’t like the conversation LisaR started about Munchausen’s Syndrome. Eileen says LisaR isn’t malicious and Yolanda must know people are talking. She’s of a mind that LisaR should bring it up before someone else does.

Yolanda introduces Erika to LisaV, who’s the first to arrive at this gorgeous outdoor area of some restaurant. The color scheme is amazing greens and blues. In her individual interview, Lisa says Erika looks like a Barbie she used to have. This isn’t a mean remark at all and she’s kind of right. Kyle joins them next. They pass around a Cartier ring of Erika’s that has a price tag of $189k. Kyle says it’s like wearing a Lamborghini on your finger. LisaV asks what Erika did for it, and Erika says what every woman does and she’s good. Wink, wink. Kyle says Erika might give Lisa a run for her money.

They talk about Yolanda’s children having Lyme’s disease. LisaV says this is the first time she’s heard about it. Yolanda says she doesn’t normally talk about it, but she’s made it her life’s mission to find a cure. Kyle says all the talk about Lyme disease is making her think she has it. I know this feeling. I had a hard time watching Quincy without thinking I had every rare disease described on the show.

Eileen arrives next. Kyle tells Eileen that Yolanda is leaving on Monday for her surgery, so she can’t join them in the Hamptons. Erika says she’s going to be performing in Chicago, but she’ll hop on her plane to get there. She says in Beverly Hills everyone has a private something. Eileen says she wants to be a dance disco queen too.

Erika says she’s been married 15 years and they’ve been together almost 17. She mentions that her husband is 76 and she’s 44. Everyone makes weird faces, which is not only rude, but surprising. LisaV asks how he is in the sack. Erika says he doesn’t even need Viagra. LisaV said she was hoping Ken might slow down, but since he had his hip surgery, he’s even randier. She jokes that she loves him madly and won’t ever leave – unless someone better comes along.

They talk about Ken’s birthday party. LisaV says she wanted to slap Taylor. Yolanda says she heard Taylor had some things to say about her illness, but she hasn’t seen Taylor in 3 years, so she has no idea what’s going on.  In her individual interview, Eileen says LisaV felt guilty about repeating what she’d heard. She feels like she betrayed Yolanda in talking about it, and wants to talk to her. Yolanda says she can’t deal with it right now, and makes an exit. Erika thinks that anyone questioning someone’s illness is making a cheap shot. She wonders who would do something like that, so apparently she didn’t watch the last season of The Real Housewives of Orange County.

Hanky is home and he’s put on weight and doing well. LisaV gives him kisses and he tries to bite her. Back in the pond with you, Hanky. Lisa says maybe her animals are filling the void of the grandchild Pandora hasn’t given her yet.

Yolanda is in the kitchen with her mother and kids. Daughter Gigi is making tomato soup and grilled cheese dippers. Yolanda gushes over Gigi and Bella doing so well in modeling. She says it’s not as easy as people might think. Yolanda goes out with her mom to pick lemons. She says she used to spend hours gardening in her lemon orchard. Yolanda and her mom take a break in a picnic area. Yolanda says she just wants to be healthy and alive and see her babies grow. Yolanda says you don’t think about needing your mom as much when you get older, but there’s no one closer and she needs her mom right now.

The kids bring the soup and sandwiches up to the picnic table. Yolanda shows the kids a folder with her will in it, freaking them out. She tells them it will be in her safe. In her individual interview, she talks about her father’s sudden death and she wants her children taken care of. Yolanda tells them to make sure to take care of her mother if anything happens, freaking them out more.

Next week, Isaac Mizrahi meets with LisaR and the Hamptons trip is on. Also, Kim’s arrest for shoplifting.

December 27, 2015 –Atlanta Wives & Vegas Aftermath in L.A.

Standard

What I Watched Today

(random, rambling thoughts on today’s TV)

 

The Real Housewives of Atlanta

Worst. Taglines. Ever. Aside from Kandi and Kim.

Cynthia gets flowers from Peter. Ho-hum. I am glad to hear her say  sweet notes and flowers aren’t going to make her forget about their problems though.

Kandi goes to see producer, Roger Bobb (whose name we haven’t heard for a while). Kandi has made a single with friend Demetria, and Roger wants to do a video. Kandi’s assistant (DonJuan) and Roger act like it’s unheard of that a pregnant woman should be working.

One of Apollo’s friends is checking in on the boys, bringing them some guy stuff. When the boys go off to play, the friend asks how things are going. Phaedra says Aidan knows what’s going on and how to contact his father. Apollo has apparently been saying that he has no contact with the kids. The friend says Apollo is remorseful that things didn’t work out. Phaedra is like, hindsight is 20/20, and says they need to just focus on being good parents. Why is there even any pretense? She was done with that guy before he left for prison.

Kandi says it’s been a while since she’s done a video and is having a hard time letting people tell her what to do. Todd shows up on a hoverboard. Look out! I heard those things catch fire spontaneously. Kandi says it’s a lot of work to conceal the pregnancy. Porsha and Phaedra stop by to lend support. And get more camera time.

Kenya and Marlo are working out. Kenya says as a workout partner, Marlo is good at looking pretty and being funny. Her friend, Matt, also shows up. She says there’s been some flirtation but there’s a large age gap. They make plans to get together anyway and I see no reason why not. He’s good looking and seems cool. Ooh, he’s younger than her. I thought it was the other way around. She says she doesn’t mind someone younger, but they have to be old enough “to enjoy this ride.” Not sure what she means by that, but I understand her reluctance. I wasn’t interested in the young ones when I was young.

Kandi says she appreciates DonJuan’s protectiveness, but all right already. They have Kandi in amazing jeweled boots and a flowing poncho and it actually seems to hide that she’s pregnant when the wind machine is going. She says she forgot how hard it was to sing and dance at the same time, and to be having a baby along with it makes it even more difficult. Well, yeah.

Cynthia and Peter are having a romantic lunch by the water. Cynthia says that they used to do a lot together, like taking long drives and just talking, but since they’ve gotten so busy with various projects, they barely see one another. Peter toasts to better days while a local artist sketches their portrait.

Matt and Kenya decide to play basketball for their first date. Kenya wins, but I’m not sure how much he let her win. Kenya says that Matt is sweet, and she’s not saying no to a second date, but she’s reluctant. I think she’s saying he’s too nice for her and I kind of get that, but I also think she should give him a chance. I’m not suggesting she give him a chance to be mean, but to show that he’s multi-dimensional.

Aidan is starting kindergarten. Phaedra says Apollo’s incarceration doesn’t only affect him, but affects the whole family. Aidan is so cute and Phaedra gets teary-eyed about him saying he wants to be with her always. It reminds me of the time I was babysitting a four-year-old boy. We were watching Tarzan and he asked if I would go off in the jungle with him on a motorcycle. (Today, he’s in college and just got into trouble for buying a motorcycle without mom’s permission. At least he’s consistent with something.) We flash back to some  of Aidan’s cutest moments over the past five years. Phaedra tells him that he and Dillon will always be her little babies. They say a prayer thanking God for the day and to make Aiden strong and courageous for the day. Phaedra is having a hard time controlling her emotions.

Porsha is having Facetime or whatever with Oliver. Man, I just don’t like her. She’s like, oh no, all you can see my boobs from this angle – tee-hee-hee. Gag. She asks him if he’s ever had a Black girlfriend before and he hasn’t. She talks about working out and says she’s lost 7 pounds. He says he hopes it’s not from her butt. We flash back to her twerking in a thong the night she met him in Miami. (Ugh!) She asks if he’s ready for a relationship and the connection starts to break up. Ha-ha! What? I can’t hear you!

Kim is giving herself a manicure. She says she’s going out on a school night and is for real grown now.

I guess they’re all going to Kandi’s video release because Kandi is looking for something to wear. Todd jokes that he told Phaedra to bring a check. Kandi says don’t bring it up tonight and to be cordial.

No offense to Kim, but Kenya says that she looks like a confused prostitute from DisneyWorld and I tend to agree. She has on some sparkly black swing top with leather hotpants and thigh-high boots. It’s not that she can’t rock them, but um…her outfit really stands out. Peter tells Todd he can’t believe Phaedra hasn’t paid him yet. I can. I’ve been waiting three years for some money that my husband talked me into lending some acquaintances who turned out to be real jerks. Wish me luck. I’m hoping to get on People’s Court.

Kandi makes a speech about the video. Everyone is thanked for coming and the video gets its premiere. Kandi says everyone seems to like it and she thinks it will be a hit. And I guess Kandi ought to know since she’s had a few. Porsha makes some comments that I ignore because she knows nothing about anything.

Phaedra acts like she’s the big person and tells Todd they need to talk at some point. She then talks smack about him to Porsha and some other chick outside. She acts like just because she never released the video, she doesn’t owe him the money. She keeps talking about how Todd got paid for production, but she still owes him a balance. Because you know, if I buy a car and don’t drive it, I don’t have to make the payments any more. Idiots. They start talking about how the friendship between Phaedra and Kandi got messed up, and Porsha puts in some kind of two cents about how it must be Todd’s fault. DonJuan hears them and pops in out of nowhere.

DonJuan says he thinks a lot more than money broke up the friendship. Porsha says he shouldn’t be sticking his nose in. DonJuan tells them that they shouldn’t be gossiping outside of the event when Kandi was nice enough to invite them. He does a perfect impression of these nasty witches, even though they try to deny what they were doing. The group breaks up and DonJuan throws shade at them as they leave. Phaedra says she owes him no explanations because she doesn’t fraternize with her friends’ workers. Okay, Miss Daisy.

Hmm… No Sheree this week?

Next week, DonJuan lets fly to Kandi about Phaedra’s smack talk and Kenya meets with her father.

Vanderpump Rules

It’s the morning after the night before in Las Vegas. Tom has a beer in his hand already. I drank a few days ago and can’t even look at it. Tom and Schwartz got tattoos – Tom’s got an “A” made out of bacon and Schwartz got “Bubba,” both on their rear ends. Huh? I have nothing against tattoos, but…why? I guess I can see Tom’s A for Ariana, but in bacon? And is Katie’s nickname Bubba?

The girls are getting ready for another night at SUR. Katie says the guys will be chasing the clock, coming to SUR straight from Vegas, and Ariana says they’re going to be smelly and tired. Ariana is going to do some show where she and Tom are going to read from old diaries. This actually sounds kind of cool.

The guys are trying to get it together in the car. Ha-ha! Just wait until you’re older and those hangovers last for-ev-er. Lisa calls to see if they’re on their way and Jax says she’s not going to like the way they smell. Lisa meets them at the door and the Toms show her their tattoos. She says they always take stupidity to a whole new level and I concur.

Ariana shakes Tom down for Vegas winnings. Katie can’t believe Schwartz got Bubba tattooed on his ass. I’m hoping this is some kind of joke between them. She says she thinks she likes it, but she hopes he never goes to prison. Ariana asks if Tom and Schwarta got married too. Ha-ha! Ariana, who is not into tattoos, isn’t impressed.

Scheana says out of all the terrible decisions they could have made, getting tattoos is the best of them. Good point. Jax says that Britney is coming to live with him and he can’t escape the girlfriend question anymore. He adds that Kristen is the only single one now. He wants to plan a dual birthday trip with Tom and ask Kristen to join them. Scheana says Kristen is a lot of fun, but they agree to keep it on the down low for now. Kristen is batsh*t crazy and Scheana is delusional.

Tom’s mother is coming for a visit and Ariana puts her bong in the closet. Ariana’s bong, not Tom’s mom’s bong. They have dinner at SUR (where else?) and Terri (Tom’s mother) talks about the first time Tom was in a talent show, with all the other entrants being girls, and won first place. Tom says he takes after his mother. He introduces her to Lisa. Terri is a firefighter and Tom says that’s where he gets his tough side. Tom talks about Terri getting locked out of the house and says it was like Jurassic Park when she kicked down the door. Ariana tells Terri he also brought home a souvenir from Vegas and he confesses about his tattoo.

Kristen is out for drinks with Jax to ask him for dating advice. She claims not to be a crazy bitch any more, but this remains to be seen. She says she has legit things to talk to Ariana about and she already sounds kind of manic. She says she’s been in therapy for a whole 9 months and she’s’ all better now. I’m thinking she needs a few more years on that couch. Maybe forever.

Kristen says she’s been dating broke musicians and is ready for something new. She and Jax mingle in between shots. Kristen kisses some guy and Jax makes a “woo!” sound, but I didn’t think it was a “woo!” moment at all.

Lisa calls Katie “Bubba,” so it must be a joke between her and Schwartz. Ariana says at least he’s making a commitment. Lisa asks if she’d rather have a tattoo on the ass or a ring on string, and she says the tattoo, so Lisa says there’s been progress.

Lala asks James how he’s doing. Apparently they’ve been making out here and there, but they haven’t “sealed the deal.” It sounds like Lala just wants to be friends with make out benefits. James asks her to stop hanging out with Jax, but she says she’ll hang out with who she wants to. James tells her about the Tom tattoos and she tells him about the girls’ slumber party and make out session. She says when she has tequila, she’ll make out with anyone and that Scheana is the best kisser. James suggests the go out for Margaritas.

Katie is on a break, and she and Kristen are chatting. Katie says she’s okay with Kristen now. Kristen says she’d like to apologize to Ariana and SUR is the only place she knows she’ll see her. Kristen says she doesn’t expect them to be friends, but she hangs out with Ariana’s friends so it might make things less awkward.

Kristen goes into SUR and asks Ariana for a drink. Ariana says she doesn’t feel comfortable serving Kristen alcohol. Kristen apologizes and says she was immature and selfish. Ariana says it doesn’t excuse anything. They go back and forth, and in the end Kristen says her actions will speak louder than her words. She says she doesn’t expect to be friends with Ariana. Ariana says her friends are intelligent, wonderful and funny and Kristen is none of those things. She says she doesn’t trust Kristen and would like her to keep her distance. Kristen apologizes again and leaves. In her individual interview, Ariana says Kristen is not that smart, but she’s calculating and Ariana doesn’t trust her in the least. I feel the same way.

Tom says Ariana reminds him of his mom since they’re both straight-up, no bs people. Ariana says she wishes they could hang out some more, but Terri says she’ll come back again. Ariana talks about the diary show she and Tom are doing, and we flash back to some old pictures of Tom doing modeling. Terri asks to see Tom’s tattoo. Everyone hates it, including Tom. Terri says how good Ariana and Tom are together. Tom says Kristen had been his biggest hater even though she was his girlfriend. Ariana tells them about Kristen’s apology and Terri says it’s been good of them to take the high road.

Schwartz goes to a modeling gig, which he says is better than bartending. I’ll take his word for it, since I’ve done neither. Schwartz is a little flabby, so he suggests they spray some abs on him. I guess he’s good at this. I really don’t know. Katie comes to the shoot and sits with Tom while he’s on break. Katie talks about Jax’s upcoming party and says she’s been getting along with Kristen and would like to see her invited. She talks about Tom and Ariana acting like Stassi in regard to Kristen, but I don’t see how you can compare the two.

Tom and Ariana go to the diary show. I didn’t realize it was on stage. Tom jokes that his readings will be like the Dead Sea Scrolls, affecting the world years from now when they’re discovered. This reminds me of the way off Broadway stuff I did when I was first in NYC.  Ariana starts to read and some of it is pretty funny. Jax doesn’t get it. No surprise there. I don’t think his IQ is incredibly high. When it’s Tom’s turn, he says he didn’t keep a diary, but brings a journal of old song lyrics he wrote. This is actually a pretty good idea and I could see being involved with this. Except for this part. Tom shows everyone his tattoo.

Al l the peeps have shown up for support. Afterwards, they’re hanging out at the bar. Lala is talking to Jax and James comes in, giving her a million kisses. James brings her a drink. There’s a bunch of stupid stuff between the three of them that isn’t even worth typing.

They all go to someone’s apartment and eat pizza. Tom talks about the joint birthday party he and Jax want to throw. Jax says something about inviting Kristen and Tom practically freaks just thinking about it. Someone mentions that enough time has passed, but Ariana says that’s no one else’s call. Truth. Katie calls Tom “Stassi,” but that’s not fair. Stassu was an a-hole who tried to dictate who Katie’s friends were. And she did have a point with Kristen, who slept with Jax (Stassi’s then boyfriend) and lied about it, all the while pretending to be Stassi’s best friend. Tom wonders why he’s being questioned when Kristen is an emotional and mental liability. Katie seems to think he should be over it.

Tom gets loud and everyone calls him a nut.

Next time, Britney arrives and Schwartz gets a ring for Katie.

Hope everyone’s Christmas wishes came true! Ho-ho-ho!

December 22, 2015 — Port Charles & Beverly Hills

Standard

What I Watched Today

(random, rambling thoughts on today’s TV)

 

General Hospital

We come in a little late because ABC news can’t wait.

Hayden and Nicholas arrive at the gala. I’m confused since it seemed like it was wrapping up at the end of yesterday’s episode.

Sam is sorry she told Jason that she doesn’t love Patrick the same as she loves him. He’s like, no worries, because he’s dense and doesn’t understand how she’s feeling.

Idiot Elizabeth wonders where Jason and Sam are. Can’t this witch give it a rest? I hope someone dumps the punchbowl over her head. She also sobered up the quickest I’ve ever seen anyone do it.

Julian gives Alexis a gorgeous ring in the middle of the basically empty gala. Why he didn’t give it to her when he actually proposed is a mystery to me.

Jordan arrives late. She tells Maxie she heard that Paul was the keynote speaker and says the DA has a talent for keeping people happy.

He’s about to make Ava happy, that’s for sure. And where does she find these amazing earrings? (She’s not wearing much else, so they really stand out.)

Michael tells Sabrrrina they need to talk about the baby. He says everyone keeps saying how big the baby is and he wants to know if there’s a reason why. Is there something in the Port Charles water system that makes people thick in the head? Duh. Why does he think that might be?

Patrick sees Robins body on a slab in a mausoleum (that just happens to be on the grounds). I don’t think she’s really dead though because I can see her breathing. Geez. Patrick kisses her and this is reminding me of the end of Romeo and Juliet, so I’m thinking maybe she took something to make herself appear dead.

Robert and Anna have their guns on Jerry. I guess his lackeys flew the coop without him.

Robin opens her eyes. Surprise! Maybe she can go home now. Or at least have a bathroom break.

OMG THEY’RE STARTING TO RUN OUT OF CHAMPAGNE AT THE GALA    ! Get with it, Carly.

Alexis and Julian make googly eyes at each other and Julian gets the last two glasses of champagne for a toast. Very thoughtful of him to take the last two.

Elizabeth asks Molly if she’s seen Sam. What’s wrong with her? Never mind. It’s too long a list. Molly says she thinks Sam left.

Jason says he wishes he could love Sam the way she needs him to. She says she’s made peace with it and when she says she loves him, she means she loves the life they once had together. He asks what now, and she says they can start off being friends and take it from there.

Paul says there’s so much going on at the gala, he won’t be missed. That’s funny, since there are so few people wandering around, it looks like the end of a high school dance. Ava asks if he’s going to be seen with a known criminal now or is he going to arrest her? He says he’s going to make sure she stays right where she is.

Sabrrrina tells Michael that he was there when Dr. Lee said the baby is fine. He says that’s not what he’s talking about and Monica said the baby is due in a few weeks. He asks if he’s the baby’s father and she says no. Good for her. And good for him, finally figuring it out.

Robin asks what Patrick is doing there. He says Jerry told them she was dead and she explains she took a drug to fool Jerry and that one of the guards helped her. She suggests they get the blip out of there.

Hayden tells Nicholas that a man who knows what he wants and won’t back down is incredibly sexy. She adds they’re in enemy territory, but she wants everyone to know she’s here to stay.

Jason asks if he and Sam could really be friends, since technically they’re past that. He says he wouldn’t call it just friendship. She asks what he wants to do. He says he doesn’t know, but do they have to call it anything and can’t they just be there together. Did they run out of dialogue?

Carly rsees Elizabeth. She tells Elizabeth that Jason and Sam are being all close and to leave them alone. She notices Elizabeth is still wearing the engagement ring and tells her to take it off.

Ava is all tied up. Literally. Looks like we’re going 50 Shades of Grey here.

Jerry says his problem is he’s too generous and he should have shot them on sight. He starts babbling about some restaurant in Rome and Anna asks Robert to get someone to take him away before she shoots him. Robert calls for reinforcements.

Patrick explains how he, Anna and Robert got there. Robin asks about Emma and he says she’s fine. Robin says she’s sorry for lying and she never stopped loving him. She says she understands he’s with Sam now and she doesn’t want to interfere with his new life. Anna is looking for Patrick and he calls to her. She sees Robin and is pretty startled. Lots of hugs.

Anna says she thought she’d lost Robin again and Robin says she can’t get rid of her that easy. Robin explains how the guard helped her to fake her death. Anna says they’ll make sure the guy who helped gets amnesty, but they’re going to put Jerry away forever. Robin says she’s been dreaming of this day.

Michael asks Sabrrrina if she was cheating on him. She says it was just a onetime thing. Then idiot Michael asks if she picked someone up at a bar because that must be the only answer. She says no and he finally gets a clue that it’s Carrrlos’s baby.

Elizabeth says she’ll take the ring off when she’s good and ready, and that Carly has no idea who Jason is now. Carly tells her how stupid she is and she’d best not drag Jason back into her delusional world.

Tracy tells Monica that Paul has a surprise for her. I think she’s going to be surprised, but I don’t think Paul is the one who set it up.

Dillon makes a speech about Toys for Tots and introduces India Arie. She sings Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, which is one of my favorites. If you’ve never seen Judy Garland sing it in Meet Me in St. Louis, it’s actually a sad song. India also looks smashing in a glittery gold number with a feathered turban.

During the song, we get snippets of what everyone is doing and Elizabeth goes up on the roof, where I can only hope she’s going to throw herself off.

Apparently, the surprise is a key to the same hotel room where Paul and Ava are going at it and Tracy walks in. Surprise all around and I wonder if it’s Ava who sent her the key.

Jerry is arrested. The inspector, or whatever he is, tells Robert that the local police will be there soon. Jerry says Robin could have made millions with her research, but she was too altruistic. Save it, Jerry. Anna comes in and says nothing about Robin being alive. After Jerry is taken away, she tells Robert to come with her.

Emma is probably going to need therapy for the rest of her life.

Sabrrrina admits it’s Carrrlos’s baby. Michael asks why she lied. She says it’s because she loves him and she wanted him to be the baby’s father. He says, but he’s not and that if Carrrlos wasn’t dead already, he’d kill him.

Paul tries to present Tracy with a gift of a pin commemorating their hard work on the gala. It’s not going over too well.

Sam asks what they’re going to do now. She says she and Danny are busy until after Christmas and after that who knows. Sam gets a call from her mom and Jason says they’ll pick this up later. She leaves. The revolving door happens and Nicholas and Hayden come out on the balcony.

Robert reunites with Robin. Anna suggests they get out of “this hellish place.”

Tracy says she should have realized that Paul was the same selfish bastard he always was. She wonders what his constituents are going to think about him being in bed with a criminal.

Michael says that Sabrrrina must not think much of him, since he would have loved the baby as his own. Uh-oh. Sabrrrina slips and says she thought Carrrlos was dead. She corrects herself and dum-dum Michael just shrugs it off. He says if he hadn’t shown the sono to Monica, he might never have known. She asks if there’s any way they can put this behind them and still be a family. Oh what a tangled web we weave and all that.

Carly asks Sam how things went. Sam says she and Jason managed to connect, but things are different. Carly says Jason is still the same inside and Sam has to fight for him. Sam says they’re going to figure things out together.

Nicholas tells Jason he should thank him. He says that Elizabeth loved him and now that he knows the truth, what has he gained? He says his grip on ELQ is iron clad and asks if Jason is going back to his old life working for Sonny. Nicholas pretty much sucker punches Jason.

Robin tells Patrick how much she’s missed Emma and that she’s spent every waking moment wishing she could get back home. She tells him she wants him to be happy with Sam and he tells her they broke up. He says they have a lot of catching up, but there’s plenty of time to do it. He says they have the rest of their lives.

Sabrrina says she lied because she wanted the baby to have the best possible father and she loves him. She says they can still be a family, but it looks like Michael isn’t having any.

Tracy calls Paul a lying, selfish, pathetic shell of a man. She tells him they might share a son, but she never wants to see him again and storms out. Ava tells Paul he’d better hope Tracy doesn’t tell anyone.

Maxie, Dillon, Nina and Franco toast to Crimson’s coverage of the gala. Nina says let’s go the office now and check out the photos.

Wah-wah-wah. Elizabeth takes off her ring.

Jason clocks Nicholas. Whoops! The next punch sends Nicholas off the roof.

Tomorrow, repercussions from that punch.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Giggy! LisaV was pretty upset about the mini horse having leg problems, so some friends of hers (Frank, Tina and Houston) have gotten her another mini horse. It arrives with its companion, a baby mini horse, and they’re both the most adorable things on earth. Lisa now officially has 8 swans, 7 dogs and 2 mini horses. I guarantee, these horses are going to have the best lives ever. I’m still trying to figure out how to get Lisa and Ken to adopt me.

Erika is on the phone with her husband, Tom. She says they talk briefly four or five times a day, but he’s a pretty busy guy. They make plans to meet for dinner. Erika says Tom has always been supportive of her career as Erika Jayne and never told her what to do, but she doesn’t tell him how to practice law either.

She’s trying on some costumes – mostly netting with sparkly things to cover her lady parts. She’s having a hard time squeezing into one of them. She says every woman has a bit of Erika Jayne inside of her dying to get out. Yeah, if I could squeeze into that costume myself, she’d get out.

Eileen and husband Vince meet for lunch. All of these people work so much, it seems to be the norm. Meet you for a meal somewhere. Eileen talks about how Vince’s dad, Dick Van Patten, went to the track all of the time with his friends. His motto was: tennis in the morning, poker in the evening, racing in the afternoon. Vince has been to the races and swears Dick was with him, since he won $600.

Eileen apologizes to Vince for being bitchy. She says sometimes it seems like he has all this freedom, while she’s running around handling everything. He says she shouldn’t attack him first thing in the morning. She says women see it as expressing themselves, but men see it as an attack. Eileen is pretty astute about male/female relationships. He says they shouldn’t talk about anything until 9ish. She says it would be hard to hold it in until then. Eileen says she’s a lot more accommodating than Vince is. She didn’t say those words, but I’m translating the wife language.

LisaR is out for lunch with her daughters. Everyone gets salads. Sigh. The family takes a trip to Canada every summer where Harry used to vacation as a boy. She says instead of sending the kids to camp, they have their own camp. She says raising teenagers ain’t for sissies. I believe her. Lisa says she doesn’t even listen to them anymore and it’s like ♫ la-la-la ♫.

Kyle and daughters go to get ear piercing. The eldest daughter is getting an extra piercing and the littlest is getting hers done. I didn’t pierce my ears until I moved away from home. Kyle says teenage daughters are experts at manipulation. The older one getting the extra hole is being a total baby. Geez, I used self-piercers and pushed them through early because I got impatient. Way to freak out the little one too. Oh, I see, the little one (Portia) only has one ear done and is getting the other one. This probably happened the last time. Looks like she’s sticking with just one this time too.

LisaV calls Ken to the back yard and tells him happy birthday. Lisa’s friends are waiting with the little horses. Ken tries to act happy, but in his individual interview, he says he knows he’s going to be picking up a lot of poop. You’d think they’d hire someone for that, but they are pretty down-to-earth. Lisa says Ken is speechless. Yep.

Yolanda says she hasn’t done anything and she’s exhausted. Erika and Tom come over for a visit. Yolanda says they’ve really been there for her. David is joining them (schmuck). Erika says it’s good to see Yolanda smiling. David says he has to go to Europe soon for some kind of Andre Bocelli thing with the Pope. Yolanda suggests Erika perform with David, but Erika says she’d probably burst into flames. Erika explains that Erika Jayne isn’t exactly Pope material.

Kyle comes to pick up Portia from her acting coach. Kyle says Portia is the only one who’s expressed an interest In acting and she wants to be supportive. She says she got into acting by default, because when her parents divorced, they needed the income. (Way to take care of the family, dad.) She says it will be better for Portia since it will be something fun and not a job. Kyle says for her it was a positive experience, but it’s not for everyone. No kidding. She talks about Kim feeling more pressure, and that people point at her being a child actress as the reason for her addictive behavior, but she thinks either you are or you aren’t, and I agree.

Yolanda is looking forward to being with David so they can “reconnect their souls.” I feel sick because I know they’re divorcing now. She has a whole slate of supplements she takes and says that if someone told her to eat bark, she would because if she goes down, she wants to go down fighting.

LisaR is trying to do Facetime or something with Harry. She’s juggling the phone and the iPad, and I can’t really figure out what she’s doing. She says that technology isn’t her friend. Apparently so. Harry and the girls are already in Canada, but Lisa’s going back and forth because she’s working. She has a QVC clothing line and is very proactive. She’s not one of those celebrities that just stick their name on something.

Commercial break and important information – Vanderpump Rules will be on Sunday.

Yolanda enjoys being out in the country with David. (Oddly enough, they’re also in Canada.) They’re in a beautiful lake area surrounded by mountains, and I’m thinking he doesn’t deserve this – or her. She says her illness has been very taxing on the relationship. She says he gets impatient, but she understands because they used to do everything together. They go out on a speedboat.

LisaV is having a coming out party for the mini horses. LisaR shows up first. She says if anyone should be first, it’s her, and she feels a sense of entitlement here. Giggy! Ken says it’s been a long birthday and LisaR says I’ll bet. Kyle arrives next and Ken leaves with my precious Giggy. Kyle gets kind of annoyed because the girls always bring up Kim. LisaV says something about Kim trashing her on Twitter and calling her a phony. She says she tweeted back that she’s always been supportive of Kim. I’m wondering why all these adults are on Twitter so much. LisaR flashes back to the reunion where Kim said she wouldn’t do anything for a buck, then they show a clip from Sharknado 3.

LisaR says she was looking at Instagram pictures of Yolanda in Vancouver and Yolanda was looking good. She says she’s wondering what Yolanda is trying to accomplish with confusing pictures, that one minute she’s got needles in her arm and looking sick, and the next she’s on a yacht having the time of her life. She says people are questioning it and it’s awkward. In her individual interview, Kyle suggests LisaR should probably keep it to herself.

Lisa brings up Munchausen’s Syndrome and reads the definition. LisaR says that it’s something people can create themselves, making themselves sick even though they’re not. Kyle says Yolanda’s symptoms match a lot of things. Eileen arrives and LisaV suggests they change the subject.

Eileen says she can tell something’s up, so what is it. She asks LisaR for an abridged version. Lisa explains how she was telling them about people questioning Yolanda and the Instagram photos. Is this turning into a Brooks thing? LisaV says they’re probably people who don’t know her and LisaR feels guilty for not having Yolanda’s back. She thinks she should say something to Yolanda, but LisaV thinks that’s a bad idea. So do I.

The ladies see the horses and there’s a lot of squeeing. Kyle says it was built up so much, she expected them to be about Barbie sized. They’re making the poor horses nervous and the horses ditch them. LisaR tells Kyle that she feels badly about saying something regarding Yolanda.

Next week, a swan bites Ken and Eileen approaches Yolanda. Erika also says her husband is 76, but I honestly wouldn’t have guessed he was that old.

I dunno. Is it possible some of these reality stars could be manufacturing illnesses because of a need for attention? I don’t think I’d ever question it, since there are illnesses where people have good days and bad days, and don’t necessarily look sick. That’s actually a pet peeve of mine when someone says, “Well, you don’t look sick.” Well, you don’t look like a sick person just gave you a black eye.

December 21, 2015 — GH and a Ruling Vanderpump

Standard

What I Watched Today

(random, rambling thoughts on today’s TV)

 

General Hospital

Jason and Elizabeth see each other at the gala. Elizabeth says she’ll leave, but Franco comes along and says if anyone should leave, it’s Jason. Elizabeth tells Franco he must have wanted to see her humiliated, but he says he’s probably the only one who doesn’t want to see that. Obrecht is delighted to see Franco, and tells Elizabeth it’s mandatory to attend the gala or she’ll be working a double-shift on Christmas.

Sam shows up in a Moto jacket and jeans. Maxie asks if she’s making a statement, and she says no, she just wants to get the check to Alexis and get out. Christina and Molly make stupid poses as Dillon takes pics.

Ava is looking at the stuff for the silent auction. Paul comes up behind her and says he wants to place a winning bid, but I don’t think he’s talking about the auction. She asks if he’ll escort her to the gala.

Sonny is on the phone talking about a guy at Ava’s art gallery. Carly comes downstairs in a magnificent navy blue sparkly dress and chandelier earrings. She tells Sonny he best get ready for their first event as newlyweds, but he says something came up.

Jerry tells Patrick that Robin was shot before he got there and he has the picture to prove it. I’m not buying this in the least. I think Henrico and Robin faked the photo. It looks awfully staged.

Paul says that escorting a known criminal isn’t good for the DA’s image, so he and Ava will have to keep things “under the covers” for now. They make a date to meet later.

Tracy tells Nina you have to watch out for the Jeromes, since they always have a hidden agenda.

Alexis tries to get Sam to stay, but she says the first people she saw were Jason and Elizabeth, so no thanks.

This is probably needless to say, but everyone looks fabulous in their formalwear.

Sam tries to cut out. Alexis tells Julian she’s going through a rough time and they have to be supportive. Laura sees Sam and says she wants to apologize.

Jerry says not his fault. It was all Helena’s doing. Patrick says Robin knew she was going to die from what she said during their last phone call. Jerry is such a tool, he tries to blame the Scorpios for not looking for Robin hard enough. Anna and Patrick are basically chatting and I’m wondering why someone isn’t pummeling Jerry.

Sam tells Laura no worries; she knows Laura had her reasons.

Michael tells Sabrrrina that he’s concerned about something Sonny said regarding Carrrlos.

Jason tells Monica he wants to give Carly back her phone (what’s he doing with her phone?), but he thinks she’s hiding from him so he’ll stay longer.

Julian asks Sam to stick around because he wants to talk to her and her sisters.

Tracy makes a little speech about Toys for Tots and introduces Paul. Paul is waiting in the wings and gets an envelope with panties and a hotel key in it. He shoves the panties into his pocket, so I’m sure this will cause an embarrassing moment later.

Sonny says he’s having Ava checked out and he’s waiting for his calls to be returned. Carly says she knows why he’s not going and it has nothing to do with work.

Paul talks about the gun amnesty program and how Monica has offered a thousand dollars per gun turned in. He says he hopes Monica has her checkbook ready since 99 guns have already been turned in. Paul thanks Tracy for welcoming him back into her life again. Rico Suave!

Sonny says if he can nail Ava, he can turn around the custody case. Carly thinks he just doesn’t want to go because he’s in a wheelchair. He says when he can dance with her, he’ll go out with her. She says they’ve had a few turns at first man and wife dances, but the fifth one will be the best.

Julian tells the girls that he wants to propose to Alexis, and asks their permission.

Sabrrrina is with Felix and the toys. She’s pretending she’s been recruited to help, but she’s really hiding from Michael.

Monica asks Michael if he has a sonogram picture. He just happens to be carrying it in the pocket of his tux. She looks at it and says there’s something wrong.

Laura tries to apologize to Jason, but a drunk Elizabeth interrupts. She says she hopes Laura has more luck with forgiveness than she did and tells him Laura was in on the deception.

Robert wants to know where Robin’s body is. Anna says they’ll kill Jerry slowly if he doesn’t comply. Two guys with guns come in and Jerry tells them to show them Robin’s body and then kill them. Um…Anna and Robert have guns too.

Sam tells Julian he has her vote. Christina says she’s in too. Alexis comes by and Christina says Molly was arguing with him. Alexis is like, oh come on now. Molly says Julian needs to come clean and works her “yes” into the conversation. She tells Alexis she hopes Alexis loves Julian enough to accept what he’s going to tell her.

The girls say “hi” to Carly and Sam sees Jason across the room with Elizabeth and Laura. Christina says Sam looks a little sad and Sam says it will take time to get over everything and she’s got to go.

Elizabeth tells Laura to take some of the burden of Jason’s rage. Laura apologizes to Jason for not telling him who he really was and he says she can make it up to him by not letting Elizabeth drive home.

Carly tells Jason he’s clearly not having a good time and she releases him from his duty as a guest.

Monica wonders why Sabrrrina hasn’t said she’s further along.

Sabrrrina tells Felix her worries about Michael. Felix says there’s no way he could know about Carrrlos being the baby’s father and he must have wanted to talk about Sonny getting shot. A Santa comes into the room with more toys and Felix leaves. I’ll bet I know who that Santa is. And I’m right. It’s Carrrlos!

I can’t believe the Scorpios just put down the guns without an argument. Anna causes a little disruption as the gunmen are leading them out and Robert gets his gun back. Jerry curses them out and basically runs.

Carrrlos tells Sabrrrina he’s leaving the country with a new identity and that he wanted to see her one more time. He gives her the information to find him. Michael knocks at the door.

Christina visits Sonny (that was a quick party!). He’s looking at photos and she asks if he’d like company going down Memory Lane.

Paul tells Tracy he has something to give her after the gala. Dillon takes their picture and Paul gets a phone call. It’s Ava asking if he got her gift and asks him if he’d like to know the room number that goes with the key. Of course he does, and she tells him not to be too long.

Obrecht tells Nina she’s her only niece and she wants to make peace. Nina is okay with that and tells her Merry Christmas.

Alexis is going buggy, wondering what Julian wants to tell her. He suggests they go somewhere else.

Ever understanding Laura tells Elizabeth that she recognizes that Elizabeth was hurting and wanted to hurt others. Save it for Dr. Phil, Laura.

Sam is having a drink somewhere private and Jason sees her. She says she wanted to be alone, but he doesn’t go anywhere.

Paul goes to Ava’s hotel room where she has a romantic atmosphere with candles going on.

Tracy toasts to the gala’s success. Monica thanks Carly for getting Jason to come. Carly congratulates her on becoming a great grandmother.

Carrrlos says ho-ho-ho to Michael and Michael says he’ll take it from there and gives Santa Carrrlos a tip. Not sure what that was about. Michael tells Sabrrrina they have to talk about the baby.

Julian says he wants to talk to Alexis privately and she asks if it’s that bad. Julian says a bunch of romantic stuff. He says that when she asked him to get his life together, he realized she wanted him to be the man he was when they first met. He gives her a bunch of compliments and says he changed for her because he couldn’t imagine life without her. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life making things up to her and asks her to marry him. She says no. Just kidding. She says yes. More romantic stuff and they kiss.

Christina tells Sonny there are no pictures of the two of them. He tries to sound hip and says some stuff about her putting them on Facebook and the pics going viral. She takes a picture of them with her phone.

Elizabeth thanks Laura for not giving up on her. My, she sobered up quickly. Laura says she wants to find Sam so she can properly apologize. Elizabeth says she doesn’t see Jason either. Geez, give it a rest.

Jason apologizes to Sam for not believing her. He says he should have shown her the same faith and respect that she showed him. Sam asks if he feels he would have been better off not knowing and he says no chance.  He says he doesn’t see her ring and she says she and Patrick called it quits. She says she loves Patrick, but not the way she loves him.

Tomorrow, India Arie will be performing and Carly and Elizabeth tangle.

Vanderpump Rules

I just love that slo-mo stuff in the intro. Not the song so much though.

Ariana tells Katie and Scheana that Peter is planning a guys’ trip to Vegas the day after her birthday. She thinks that the trip “reeks of Jax and Peter,” since they’re both freaking out over having serious girlfriends.

Peter asks Lisa for time off to go to Vegas. Lisa reminds them of the trouble they’ve had every time they go there, including Jax getting a girl pregnant. Lisa wonders why the two of them would want to test themselves, since they’re both in serious relationships. She forbids them from inviting Shay.

James tries to talk to Lala, who hasn’t spoken to him since he rolled in the hay with Lauren.  He tells her about the girls getting something together for Ariana’s birthday and it looks like she wasn’t invited.

Ariana tells Tom that she didn’t invite Lala, Kristen or James to the party. Tom says it seems like she’s not too keen on the guys going to Vegas. In the meantime, Schwartz is trying to convince Katie it’s not a guys’ trip; it’s just a birthday celebration for Peter. Neither Ariana nor Katie want the Toms going to Vegas. Tom tells Ariana he loves her smile and Ariana asks for “macaroni with that cheese.” Ha-ha!

While they’re setting up for Ariana’s birthday party, Peter is telling Tom about how they’re going to be playing with real bulldozers in Vegas. Huh? Tom suggests he keep the plans on the down low and not take attention away from Ariana today. Katie tells Peter’s girlfriend that she’s not appreciating the Vegas trip.

For the party, Ariana is dressed like a Japanese Anime unicorn. Okay. Jax is wearing a seriously stupid giant cowboy hat. The guys are in the kitchen discussing the trip. Tom says he wants to talk to Ariana about the trip, but Schwartz says maybe now is not the best time since she’s having fun on some kind of acrobatic equipment.

The party has a carnival flavor. Ariana says she’s reaching back to her childhood and brining in all the cool stuff she remembers from parties and adding “performance enhancing drugs.” By that, I think she means tequila.

Schaena tells Faith she’s sorry she couldn’t pay much attention when Faith was hired, but she was going through a lot of stuff. She says she feels badly that Lala wasn’t invited, and that she likes Lala, but is having a hard time convincing Katie and Ariana to like her.

Schwartz tells Katie he’s going to Vegas and she starts to cry. Katie says their relationship is the biggest thing in her life, but it seems like it’s not a priority to Schwartz. She says she’s tired of being the one who has to bend in the relationship. Schwartz says after this trip, there will be minimal bending.  I tell her to get used to it.

Ariana and Katie discuss the guys going away. Ariana says she’s trying to make a fun day, but she misses her father who passed away a couple of years ago. I can totally understand where she’s coming from. She says she doesn’t want Tom going away right now because she doesn’t want to be alone. She starts to cry and Scheana comes over. Katie says it’s okay to cry and that she cries during The Price is Right.  I’d be crying because I was desperate enough to watch The Price is Right.

The cake comes out covered in sparklers. Ariana says she’s always wanted an epic birthday party and today it’s happening. Tom asks her if she had fun and she says it’s possibly the best birthday ever.  She says that every year her father would give her Lou Gehrig’s speech on her birthday, and tell her that the day she was born was the best day of his life. She says it’s hard to talk about and she feels like a wimp crying. Tom says he’s always going to be there for her. He tells her that Peter has set up a construction yard with bulldozers for the guys in Vegas. Ariana says there’s no point in continuing the discussion because he’s never going to get it.

The guys leave for Vegas with Peter driving. Tom says he’s gone back and forth, but he hasn’t given Ariana a reason not to trust him. In his individual interview, Jax mentions Miami Girl and we flash back, but I always thought that smelled of a set up. Someone farts. I missed who it was, but it was probably Jax.

Lala asks Faith how the party was. Faith says it was great, but she missed Lala. Ariana and Katie join them, and Ariana gripes about the extra work with the guys gone. Lisa comes in and asks about the birthday party. It’s obvious that Lala wasn’t invited, and Ariana says she only wanted to invite close friends because it was her 30th. Ariana shows a video on her phone to prove other people weren’t invited. In her individual interview, Lala talks about feeling left out and doesn’t get why people treat her mean, even though she knows she’s hot. I could think of a few reasons.

Lisa suggests the girls go out and have fun to teach the guys a lesson. She says she wouldn’t come home until the morning and wouldn’t answer her phone. She tells them don’t get mad, get even.

The construction place is called “Dig This.” The manager gives them a breathalyzer first. Peter is concerned that there might still be alcohol in their systems from the party, but they all pass. Jax says it’s the first time he’s passed a breathalyzer. How many DUIs does he have and why does he still have a license? Yep. It’s a fake construction site where everyone puts on hard hats and bulldozes things.

OMG – coming up is Jax showing his plumber’s crack. Really his whole nakey behind. No thanks.

The guys go to the casino for some gambling and drinking. Tom says he loves the energy of Vegas. I’ve never been there, but I don’t think it would be my scene. I went to Atlantic City once to see Barry Manilow (quit laughing) and I had the feeling Barry didn’t want to be there either.

Oh Lord, we have to see Tom’s bare behind too? And there goes Jax, dancing half nakey in the window. Now he’s pretending to pee on the electrical outlet. We should be so lucky. Tom calls Ariana, who tells him the girls are having a pajama party. He says he misses her. In her individual interview, she says she misses him, but realizes she has some good friends she can talk to. Another one who needs to get used to it.

James tells Ariana that he’s pissed about Jax hanging out with Kristen and now chatting up Lala. Lisa asks Ariana how she’s holding up and she tells Lisa bout her dad’s death and how she misses him during milestone events. Lisa asks why she doesn’t talk to Tom about it and she says she doesn’t want to come off as needy. Lisa says honesty is necessary in a relationship.

The girls get together at Scheana’s place. They play some question game that has to do with sex. Are there any question games that don’t have to do with sex? Ariana and Katie talk about how awkward it was talking about the party with Lisa and Lala not being invited. Scheana calls Lala and asks her if she wants to come over. Lala says she’s just about to turn in, but Scheana says she lives close by and they’re all in pajamas anyway.

The guys are drinking at the disco. Or what looks like a disco. Peter says he’s at the point in his relationship where not cheating is meaningful. Bleh.

Lala gets to Scheana’s. They take videos of the girls kissing and sends them to the guys. Lala makes noises about being bi-sexual. I think. She’s talking in riddles. The guys get the videos and send back a pic of Schwartz and Tom giving each other a peck on the lips, and afterward wiping it off. Jax says they’ve passed every test and now if they just go to bed alone, they’ll be fine.

Somehow, they all end up back at the suite, bringing only take-out back with them. Schwartz gets on Facetime with Katie. Katie says there wasn’t any time she didn’t trust him, but she’s not so sure about strange girls. Ariana seems cool with everything now too.

Tom suggests they go back to the casino and ruin everything. He says that everyone knows there’s that time in Vegas when you need to put your winnings in your pocket and walk away, but now is not that time.

Next week, Scwartz talks about doing something stupid and Kristen claims to not be a crazy bitch any more. I’m sure the latter is up for debate.

This Week’s Quote from the Vanderpump Rules After Show

That never happened…It might have happened. Jax, referring to getting nakey on the Vegas trip.

December 15, 2015 — No GH, But Lots of Wives

Standard

What I Watched Today

(random, rambling thoughts on today’s TV)

 

Not that I don’t realize I’m mostly writing this for my own amusement, just in case, I have no General Hospital recap today. It was on, but I was also on the phone with a friend who is ill with pulmonary fibrosis. She’s bedridden and will eventually succumb to the disease, so she trumps everything with the exception of a house fire.

I did have it on though, and it doesn’t look like it was too exciting. The takeaway points I got from the muted TV were that Johnny did nothing to Valerie – yet. He “fixed” her car and gained her trust so that she won’t suspect what’s coming; and Elizabeth told Carly what happened and I’m sure Carly did cartwheels in her head.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

LisaV and Kyle are enjoying shopping in Italy. Kyle says it’s fun shopping in Europe because you can get things you can’t get in the US. In other words, make your friends jealous with something they can’t run out and buy. She still needs to find a dress for Nicky’s wedding, which just boggles my mind considering how many dresses she already owns. She should have known she was going to end up re-invited. Lisa says Kyle isn’t in an easy position because of the family drama. She says because she doesn’t have any sisters, it’s hard for her to totally get it.

LisaR is taking her daughters for mani/pedis.  One of the girls wants to stay out past 11 and Lisa says that nothing good happens for a teenager after 11 pm, but she agrees. I always thought it was midnight, but okay. She says with teenagers, it’s negotiation all day long. She tells the girls about LisaV getting the tiny horse for Ken’s birthday.

Eileen has the same problem we all do. Vince likes to sit around while she’s busting a move getting kids ready and cleaning up before she goes to work. Soap stars, they’re just like us! Her son, Jesse, had been home schooled in a co-op the previous year, so she’s nervous about him going back to regular school. She says she doesn’t know what it is with men but they don’t hear a female voice. Then she ends up repeating herself and becomes annoying to herself. Soap stars! So much like us it’s sad!

LisaV and Ken are going to Monte Carlo, while Kyle goes on to London for Nicky’s wedding. Giggy! Ken is going to be 70 soon, so Lisa is not only getting him the smallest horse in the world, she’s planning a big birthday lunch.

Yolanda is having a vitamin C IV to boost her immune system. She says she’s pretty much done it all at this point. Her friend, new Housewife Erika, is going with her. Erika doesn’t look too pleased about that needle going in though. She says next time she takes a needle with Yolanda, it had better be Botox. What’s going to happen years from now when they find out what putting botulism close to your brain really does? Remember when your mother telling you that your face was going to freeze like that was a bad thing?

LisaR and Eileen meet for lunch. They’re both wearing leopard prints, so Lisa leaves her jacket on. Kyle joins them. Kyle says the trip was great, the wedding was magical, but she’s glad to be home. Eileen asks about Kim. Kyle says she’s in rehab, but she doesn’t know much else. We flash back to Kim’s craziness. Eileen says she thought Kim escaped. Lisa says the word used was “fled.” I thought she just checked herself out and then went on to shoplift. They talk a little about Kim getting nailed for drunk and disorderly at the Beverly Hills Hotel. Kyle feels a little uncomfortable talking about it and I can understand that.

Eileen says Yolanda isn’t looking too good. Kyle says if Yolanda is doing everything with no improvement, maybe she needs to consider it’s not Lyme disease. Kyle talks again about how she had so many symptoms after her mother died and it turned out to be depression.

The two Lisas are going to pick up the horse in Ohio. LisaV has told Ken she’s having a spa day. They fly to Ohio in a small chartered plane that looks pretty comfortable on the inside. LisaR says “yee-ha!” when they get there, but LisaV says she doesn’t think this is yee-ha country. Being from Ohio, I concur. While they’re in the limo, a huge thunderstorm comes up and LisaR hopes it isn’t a sign from God.

New Housewife Erika was a broke waitress when she met her husband, who had been her customer for a year before she gave him her number. He’s a famous lawyer who was involved in the Erin Brochovich case. She says being broke sucks and being rich is better, but it doesn’t change anyone. If you were an a-hole to begin with, you’re a rich a-hole, and the same if you’re a sweetheart. Erika says she’s been called a golddigger and knew it was coming because of the age difference. They’ve been married 15 and a half years though, and it sure looks legit to me.

The tiny horse, Rosebud, is wearing a tutu and I squee. So do the two Lisas. LisaR says she can’t wait for Rosebud to be a part of the family and thinks Ken is going to love her. Who wouldn’t love the tiniest horse in the world? LisaR says the horse is a little fat. LisaV says don’t say that because the horse might hear. Rosebud doesn’t seem to walk quite evenly, but the owner says she’s fine. The two Lisas aren’t so sure though.

The owner says if there were going to be problems, Rosebud would have exhibited them by now. Hmm…isn’t favoring a leg a problem? The two Lisas confer and LisaV says she wants to take Rosebud home, but she isn’t sure if she can handle a horse that will have future issues. She calls Ken and tells him what’s going on. So much for the surprise. LisaR says she can see LisaV has fallen for the horse. LisaV decides that she’s going to have a vet look at the horse and if all is well, have the horse delivered. They can’t get to the alcohol fast enough.

Giggy! Even though the surprise has been spoiled, but Ken is okay with that. I’m sure when it comes to Lisa, he’s probably okay with just about anything.

Erika says her alter ego is Erika Jayne. Apparently, she’s a video artist and says she’s had 8 number one hits on the Billboard dance charts. She’s meeting with her fashion designer and then having a rehearsal. I’ve never heard of her, but it looks like she knows her stuff.

LisaV is preparing for the birthday lunch with Kevin Lee helping. No surprise, everything looks fabulous. Lisa has a hat tree for the ladies to select a beautiful hat to wear. The lunch is being held in one of the gardens. Taylor shows up with her new husband. “Here comes a certain amount of trouble,” Lisa says. Taylor is moving back to Beverly Hills and says there’s a house available on Lisa’s street. Lisa says, no.

LisaR shows up with a pony on a stick like little kids play with. Lots of Giggy since Ken is carrying him around, along with another Pomeranian wearing clothing. I wonder if they took in another pup with alopecia. Camille and Kyle arrive and they talk a bit about the little horse. Kyle thinks it’s a possibility the horse might be pregnant and now that she said it…um…yeah.

Rain clouds threaten to ruin things, but they sit down to lunch. Taylor brings up how Yolanda’s selfies look happy one day and not so much the next. There’s some discussion about Yolanda’s treatments, and Taylor intimates maybe she’s not really sick. Both Lisas think she’s overstepping a bit.

LisaV makes a toast to Ken. She says she’s spent half his life with him and he continues to inspire her. At the end, she adds that he “might be 70 in a few days, but I guarantee you’ll be staying at 69 very soon.” That’s a direct quote, so don’t blame me for what you can’t unhear.  I actually think they have an amazing marriage and wish I had married an older rich guy.

It finally starts to rain, so they move indoors. A few of the ladies stay outside under a gazebo. Kyle decides to wade in the infinity pool and Eileen joins her. The Lisas follow and soon everyone is in the pool with their clothes on.  LisaV says it was an elegant English garden party and suddenly it turned into wet and wild. Ken gets dragged in too, and she adds that with him floating in a pool surrounded by a gaggle of gorgeous women, he’s not likely to forget his birthday anytime soon.

Next week we see what Ken ends up getting for his birthday and some of the ladies discuss the possibility that Yolanda has Munchhausen’s Syndrome.

December 14, 2015 — GH, a party at SUR & a Quote

Standard

What I Watched Today

(random, rambling thoughts on today’s TV)

 

General Hospital

Paul, Tracy and Monica get together to plan the Nutcracker Gala. Monica wants to get going to push ticket sales, but Tracy wants to decide who’s making the keynote speech. She suggests Paul.

Lulu asks Johnny if he came up with a plan to get rid of Valerie. He says first he needs to know more about her. Lulu gets a text from Dante, but she says it’s nothing important and ignores it.

Dante tells Jordan he signed the final separation papers. He’s surprised Jordan doesn’t give him a lecture, but she says sometimes when things are over, they’re over.

Hayden tells Curtis that to get the gun, he’ll need to bribe someone. Nicholas comes by and asks who her friend is. I’m sure she’ll have a good answer. She’s no slouch in the lying department.

Elizabeth finds Jason on the porch. He’s getting a call from Sam, but he doesn’t answer. Elizabeth gets way too obviously excited. I hope he douses all her hopes with some really cold water because I hate her so much.

Paul balks at making the speech. He says he needs to check with his assistant and steps away.

Johnny asks if that was a text from Dante, and Lulu repeats it was nothing important. She says since he’s a fugitive, they have to use their time wisely, and wants to get going on the plan. She says as long as Valerie is around, she and Dante won’t have a chance at getting back together. Lulu gives Johnny Valerie’s particulars. When Johnny finds out she’s at the police academy, he goes to the website.

Jordan tells Dante that moving on and letting go is part of life. She says if things are really over, then they should be over, and that a lot of people have trouble accepting when good things go bad. She makes a little speech that sounds like she’s talking about herself.

Hayden introduces Curtis as an interior designer that she’s hired to redesign ELQ’s offices, and says that she wanted to surprise him. Curtis is amazing at playing along and has an answer for everything. Curtis is a fine looking man too, so I’m hoping when things finally go south with Nicholas, Hayden will pair up with him. Curtis leaves. Nicholas says yesterday Hayden told him she was going to reduce the work force and today she’s redecorating. He asks what up wit dat?

Too bad Elizabeth. Jason is there to figure out what they’re going to tell Jake about his moving out. Ah-ha! in Nelson voice.

Monica tells Tracy her brain went on vacation and her libido took over. Tracy says the only connection she and Paul have is that he’s Dillon’s father. Monica tells her to be careful and remember what a lout Paul was when they were married. She says the last time Tracy followed her heart, they almost lost ELQ.

Dante says just when he thinks he has a hold on everything, something else pops up. He says walking away from the mess he created isn’t the answer.

Johnny asks for Dante’s password which happens to be Dante and Lulu’s wedding day. Lulu goes down Memory Lane about the wedding. Johnny puts in the password and finds the cadets’ schedule. He says he has to get going and Lulu says hold on, you’re a wanted man. He says it’s not like he’s Public Enemy #1.

Hayden says she’ll be cutting dead wood and insignificant jobs. She says she can tell Curtis forget it though, if he wants. Nicholas says it’s fine, but he needs a drink. He tells her Elizabeth’s fears have been realized.

Elizabeth tells Jason he should take some time to think things out. Nice try. She says maybe she can make up for what she did. Jason says he’s going upstairs to pack. Good. Don’t let her suck you in.

Paul says his schedule is clear and he’ll be happy to make the keynote speech. He tells Monica that he already has someone working on selling tickets and making sizable donations even if they can’t make it. Monica asks if they have any more ideas for raising money and suggests a gun amnesty program attached to the gala. Because that makes total sense…not.

Jordan tells Valerie she’s one of their most promising cadets. She tells her that it’s a critical time and she needs to focus if she’s going to get through training. She says she’s noticed Valerie checking out Dante and just because he and Lulu are separated, that doesn’t mean they won’t get back together.

Lulu wants to know what Johnny’s plans are, but he says the less she knows, the better.

Curtis calls in a favor from a cop he knows and gets into the evidence room.

Nicholas tells Hayden about what happened with Elizabeth and Jason. Nicholas says Jason already knows he was involved and has probably figured out that Hayden is involved too. Hayden asks if any charges can be brought against them. Nicholas says he’s not sure, but Jason will be providing his own repercussions. Hayden says she doesn’t need any legal trouble right now. Although I don’t think there’s ever a time when anybody needs it.

Elizabeth says that if Jason still loves her, it’s wrong of him to leave. Jason says forget about making it up to him, what about making it up to Jake, Sam and Danny? He says she doesn’t really love him because love takes other people’s feelings into consideration. Elizabeth says Sam and Danny didn’t need him like she and Jake did. She begs his forgiveness. He says he did love her, but the love was built on a lie, and that lie is over. Wild applause from me.

Paul says it’s an interesting and unexpected idea, but how is a gun amnesty going to help Toys for Tots? She says it will both reduce crime and spit shine Paul’s profile. He asks how they would make money on it though. Monica says she’ll donate a thousand bucks for every gun turned in.

Dante shows up at the Haunted Star. He says she didn’t respond to his text. Lulu says the less time they spend in the same room the better. He says she’s going to hate him for what he has to say.

Jordan sees Curtis and obviously knows him. She asks what he’s doing there.

Diane shows up at Elizabeth’s with the papers Jason requested. She says it’s a confidential matter and puts them in an envelope and tells Elizabeth to give them to Jason. Elizabeth asks what would stop her from opening it when Diane leaves. “Right you are,” says Diane, and puts them in her pocketbook.

Hayden says Jason can easily make trouble for them, between ELQ and his best friend, Sonny. She and Nicholas are about to embrace, but boo! there’s Jason right next to them.

Dante says they need to talk to each other for Rocco’s sake. He tells Lulu that when he went out for baby aspirin, he left Rocco with Valerie. Lulu barely reacts, so he knows Olivia told her already. He says he thought she’d be furious. She says she thought about making a scene, but decided he’s not worth it. She says she refuses to believe that the family they built was meaningless, but his priorities have changed and it hurts. Still, overreacting isn’t going to solve the problem.

Jordan tells Curtis that if he came to Port Charles for her to give him a job, don’t hold his breath. He says he already has a job and he figured since he was in town, he’d congratulate her on her success. He asks how TJ is and reveals that he’s Jordan’s brother.

Diane says on second thought, she’ll just leave Jason a voicemail rather than relying on Elizabeth to give him a message. Elizabeth says Diane doesn’t approve of Jason divorcing Sam. Diane says her approval doesn’t enter into it. Elizabeth tries to be insulting, but Diane just says, sorry, I’ll be going. Elizabeth then starts to act like the pathetic shrew she is and tells Diane to get out.

Jason wants to know how long Nicholas knew and what it was worth. Nicholas says as far as he’s concerned, everyone is better off without him. Jason punches Nicholas in the face.

Paul excuses himself from the meeting, saying he has to get to court. Monica tells Tracy she’s shameless and Tracy says she was more fun when she was a slut. I love these two together.

Curtis tells Jordan to have a nice day and splits. Outside, he takes the gun out of his pocket and puts it in his bag.

A brawl nearly starts in The Floating Rib between Nicholas and Jason, but a couple of guys step in and break it up.

Elizabeth is all weepy and finds a shirt she gave Jason as a present on the floor. She sniffs at it – what is it with her? – and she folds up like a cheap suit.

Lulu says she’s planning on cutting Dante out of her life as much as possible. He says he won’t let Valerie look after Rocco again without her knowing. She tells him to get lost because she has a lot to do. She looks at Valerie’s website pic and says pay back is a bitch.

Valerie’s car breaks down and who is there to help? That’s right. Johnny.

Tomorrow, Franco and Nina! And we’ll see how Johnny is going to “help” Valerie.

Vanderpump Rules

Giggy! (And another cute little dog in an outfit.) Lisa and Ken are meeting with Arielle, who works with homeless teens. Lisa says she’d love to help out. The kids have never been to a restaurant, so she’s going to host a dinner for them.

Tom and Schwartz are going to have another meeting about promoting Lisa’s sangria. Schwartz says he has a problem with the word commitment. Katie says to avoid the term “non-committal” when she’s around. She says she’s allergic to it and it gives her a tingling sensation around her ring finger. Tom says Schwartz should let him do the talking. He says that Schwartz makes him nervous because he’s nervous. Katie says apparently their plan is to not have a plan.

Lala tells Jax that James keeps texting her, but she’s ignoring him. Jax says that’s probably the best idea. Lala says James is like a sad puppy, begging and apologizing. Even though Britney is moving to L.A., Jax is still avoiding any commitment (I’m going to hate that word soon) because she’s not there yet, so he and Lala make plans for drinks.

James’s mother joins him for dinner at SUR. His mother was an Elite model for many years and still looks pretty good. His mother asks about Kristen, but he says it’s way over. His mom says he’s young and should just enjoy himself and avoid drama, as there will be enough later in life. James tears up and I’m wondering why. Because he got rid of that crazy maniac? Oh, never mind, his parents are getting a divorce. I guess that’s hard on a kid no matter how old they are.

He admits to using alcohol to self-medicate. His mother says that it’s no way to deal with things when you’re in a dark place, and she knows of what she speaks having been in the modeling business. She says she loves him and that she’s proud of him. They hug. 1…2…3…awww!

Kristen tells Jax she has a date with some guy named Alex. They’re at the gym, working out with the punching bags and Kristen pretends it’s James’s face. Afterwards, Kristen says she heard a rumor that Jax has broken up with Britney. Jax says they’re just trying to see where things are at and she’s still moving to L.A. Kristen says no way would she ever get back together with James again. Jax suggests she get a dog.

Lisa calls a meeting of the SUR staff. They wonder if they’re in trouble, but Lisa says for once, they’re not. She tells them about Arielle and the dinner they’re going to have for the kids. Good-hearted Scheana says if Lisa can find the time to help, they can too.

Lisa asks Tom how it’s going with the sangria pitch. He seems vague and she tells him he has to do his research. She says she has the feeling they’re not going to be any better prepared than they were at the last meeting. I have the feeling she’s right.

Scheana says she and Shay are going to start therapy and she hopes it’s the start of him turning over a new leaf. Scheana thinks she and Katie should give Lala another chance at being friends, but Katie doesn’t want to because of Lala lying to them.

Jax tells James he was at boxing class with Kristen. James asks if Jax doesn’t think it’s weird to be hanging out with Kristen. In his individual interview, James says maybe Jax and Kristen were made for each other, and I think that’s a possibility since they’re both d-bags. James wonders why Jax was waiting right there when he and Kristen broke up. Tom, Jax and James all start talking at once and I have no idea what they’re saying.

James goes over to Kristen’s apartment. He mentions that Jax told him about her going out with Alex. He says he thought he’d miss Kristen after they broke up, but he’s thinking about Lala more than her. Kristen says he has a lot of nerve, since a few days ago he was telling her he loved her. She also talks about how he paraded his bite marks from Lauren all around. They start to argue. She tells him that he’s going to drink himself into oblivion, lose his job and lose all his friends. He counters with all she has is Jax, that she’ll never get married and if she does, she’ll be divorced In three years. He leaves, spitting on her door on the way out. That pretty much sums up the maturity level of these two.

Jason tells Lisa that he’d like to say his expectations for Tom and Schwartz are high, but they’re really not. Tom and Schwartz show up for the meeting. Schwartz says after a lot of deliberation, they thought the best course of action would be for the two of them to be brand ambassadors. Lisa wonders what he means by that and tells him it’s not a modeling job. Schwartz doesn’t seem to have a solid idea and Tom says he wishes Schwartz would have let him speak first. But when Tom starts talking, it’s even worse. In his individual interview, Tom says, “What is a career anyway? Except the beginning of the march to death.” Avoidance of responsibility, anyone?

Jason says he wonders what they’ve been doing since the last time they met. He says they seemed excited at the last meeting, but seem to have lost their drive. Pandora says they seemed like they wanted to change careers, but now it’s like they want to be the guy with the tray passing out shots. Lisa says if they started on Monday, what would they do? Once again, they’re unclear. They leave the meeting in a cloud of vagueness and I have no idea if they’re going to continue working on this project or what.

Britney arrives for a visit. Jax says when she’s there, she’s the only one he wants to be with, but it gets fuzzy when she’s not around. He also makes it sound like Lala was hitting on him, but being such a great guy, he only had a few drinks with her during the day time. He says he likes Britney a lot and doesn’t want to screw things up. He says she should stay with him, even though we flash back to where he said a thousand times he wasn’t going to let that happen. This girl must be an idiot if she believes anything he says.

Schaena and Katie are getting ready for the teens to come. Giggy! Tom tells Ariana that he should have never let Schwartz speak first. He thinks he was able to rescue things…a little bit. He says they’re taking baby steps, but he’s taking steps. In her individual interview, Ariana suggests they’re fetus steps.

Lala says she feels a little uncomfortable working with James. Kristen told Jax about the door spitting and he says he needs to have a talk with him, changing her story to say that James spit on her. Lala says she really doesn’t want to be a part of it. It’s funny how they all keep talking about how young and immature James is when none of them are much older and not much more mature. Kristen is the exception to everything because she’s batsh*t crazy.

Tom has the idea to have lemonade mocktails on a platter for when the guests first come in. Ariana is annoyed because he didn’t confer with her first.

Lisa wants the kids to feel welcome and have an experience they haven’t had before. Lisa introduces them to Ken and Giggy. Lisa asks the kids questions about their lives. Scheana says that seeing how grateful the kids are, she realizes there are bigger problems in the world than hers. Gee, really? Lisa says life is about give and take, but giving is more important.

Ariana’s 30th birthday is coming up (“six times cooler than your average five-year-old”) and she’s planning a major party. Peter’s also having a birthday soon, and he’s inviting all the guys to Las Vegas. Ariana is annoyed again because she’s feeling left out. She says it’s nice to know that the day after her birthday, Tom is going on a trip where she’s not invited.

Jax confronts James about his craziness at Kristen’s. He says he didn’t spit on her, just on the door. Which makes it okay. Jax is like, you didn’t have to do that, and James says he’ll apologize the next time he sees her. Jax asks if he’s getting tired of saying I’m sorry, and the two of them get into a shouting match. Lisa breaks it up and tells them to go in different directions, but neither of them will shut up. Lisa tells James to go home and adds that if he raises his voice in her restaurant, it will be the last thing he does. She doesn’t mean she’s going to kill him, but that he’ll be fired. At least I think so.

Lisa tells James to calm down, put a smile on his face, and realize how bloody lucky he is. Lisa tells Jax he needs to lower the volume too. Peter asks James what the blip is going on. Lisa tells him if he doesn’t change his attitude immediately, he’s seriously going home. Some days, she must want to bang her head against a wall when she gets home.

Next week – Ariana’s birthday party and Vegas!

Vanderpump Rules After Show – Quote of the Week

I’m just amazed that somebody used the term heteronormative. I thought it was groundbreaking.  Brandy referring to Ariana on Vanderpump Rules.

December 8, 2015 — Port Charles & Beverly Hills

Standard

What I Watched Today

(random, rambling thoughts on today’s TV)

 

General Hospital

Lulu is putting up Christmas decorations at the Haunted Star while listening to death metal. Maxie comes in and says she’ll untangle the lights. Lulu suggests that when she gets them untangled, she strangle Valerie with them. That gets my vote.

Bobbie asks Valerie what’s up. She’s been sneaking in and out to avoid everyone. Bobbie invites Valerie out to dinner. Hopefully on the docks where someone can push her into the water.

Nathan is meeting Maxie at Kelly’s, but Dante is also meeting Valerie there. Nathan suggests Dante change his venue since he won’t have any peace with Maxie if the two of them are there. Nathan reminds Dante about fraternization. Dante says what’s the big deal about having dinner with a friend? Nathan tries to give him good advice, but Dante is such a jerk, he doesn’t get it.

Nicolas tells Hayden he wants to love her but doesn’t think he can. He says he knows what she’s up to and tries to smother her. Ha-ha! It’s all a dream. They always get me with those.

The ten thousand roses arrive at Patrick’s. Emma makes a joke that the next time her dad buys her flowers, she’d prefer a different kind.

Sam tells Elizabeth to tell Jason how she’s been playing God with his life. Jason tells Sam to accept reality and calm down. She tells Elizabeth to tell the truth and Elizabeth says okay, but not with her there. Oh yeah, I’d totally trust that.

Commercial break. It’s that Ferraro Rocher time of year. Bring it on! My God, I love those candies.

Bobbie says she’s no one to throw stones and she knows Valerie will have a hard time with the first holidays without her mother. I don’t want to feel sorry for Valerie, but I know what that feels like and it’s not pleasant.

Maxie tells Lulu they’re adults and revenge isn’t the solution. She says it will just make things worse. Maybe she should let the rest of Port Charles in on that.

Sam is like yeah, right, you’ll tell the truth as long as I’m not here. She tells Elizabeth she’s no better than Hayden and goes off on her. When she gets to the word “bitch,” Jason gets loud. Please, someone hit this guy on the head and bring his memory back.

Nicholas comes in to the now-awake Hayden’s room. She says she’s afraid of her feelings for him, and he says he’s on to her, just like in the dream. He says she’s been lying about going to ELQ meetings. She says yes, she lied, but he might not like the answer.

Jason tells Sam he’s done with her and “this.” Sam asks what if he’s wrong. He says he doesn’t care and to get out. Sam tells Elizabeth to do the right thing while she can and leaves.

Emma is going to a sleepover so Patrick can get romantic with Sam. She says tomorrow they can start getting ready for the wedding. I don’t know about that…

Valerie says she wanted Dante and Lulu’s marriage to work out, but even though Dante apologized to no end, Lulu gave him separation papers. Bobbie says the distance between separation and divorces is like the distance between Florida and Alaska. She tells Valerie to be careful. She’s concerned that Valerie is taking shelter from her grief with the wrong guy.

Lulu asks how things could get worse and Maxie suggests she think about how things can get better. Lulu says Valerie falling off the face of the earth would make it better. Maxie says Rocco might be affected if Lulu does something stupid. She says Valerie doesn’t matter and Lulu and Dante need to fix things. She leaves to meet Nathan for dinner.

Nathan says he’s going to have to work and has to cancel his plans with Maxie. He begs Dante to stop seeing Valerie until he knows what he really wants.

Alone at the Haunted Star, Lulu hears someone. She has a giant candy cane in her hand and calls out that she’s armed. Who walks in but Johnny, and he says oh, look out, she’s armed with a candy cane.

Hayden says what she told Nicholas about downsizing ELQ is true, but she’s been working with a consultant outside of the office. She shows him a folder with her plans on how ELQ can save money. She says if they lay off a third of the employees, they can increase their profit margin. Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas!

Valerie and Dante are at Kelly’s, which has suddenly replaced The Floating Rib as the place to be. Dante says he needs to tell her something, but she wants to go first. She says her feelings for him have grown stronger and she needs to know if he’s going to get back with Lulu.

Maxie comes to the station. She says she needs five minutes of his time. And she brought him some ribs from Kelly’s. Come on now, wouldn’t The Floating Rib be the place to get ribs?

Lulu tells Johnny that he’s a wanted man. He says he doubts he’s very important. He knows she and Dante split up and says he saw it coming.

Elizabeth says thanks for defending her. Jason says he came from an argument with Carly and couldn’t deal with any more. Elizabeth says he knows she doesn’t have anything to hide, right?

Sam comes home to Patrick. She tells him that she was at Elizabeth’s. He says he thought she was past that and she says she did do, but apparently not. She says that she just wants to see it through, but Patrick says she needs to do better than that.

Elizabeth says that Sam is just jealous. Jason asks what it was that Sam says she’s lying about, but she says she doesn’t want to dignify it with an answer. Jason ponders that.

Hayden says she clearly remembers why she broke the vase and it wasn’t because she was jealous of Elizabeth. She knows she was blackmailing Nicholas. She asks why he lied to her.

Dante says that right now he’s being selfish and wants to be with Valerie. He asks if she can handle an uncertain future. Oh I see. He wants to try and work things out with Lulu, but have Valerie just in case it doesn’t work out. Nice guy.

Johnny reminds Lulu of how Dante wanted her to get rid of the Haunted Star when he found out Johnny owned half. He says that their problem has always been that Dante didn’t trust her. Johnny says he’s sorry about what happened. Lulu starts to cry and Johnny hugs her. In a friend way.

Johnny and Lulu have a couple of shots, but Lulu says any more will just make her get sentimental and feel worse. Johnny asks what he can do for her. She says get rid of Valerie. Johnny asks if she wants him to kill Valerie.

I wish he would. Dante is going on and on about not facing up to his responsibilities and just wants to be in the moment with Valerie. She says she’s okay with the uncertainty as long as it means being with him for a while, even if it won’t be forever. These two are ridiculous.

Nicholas says he lied to protect Hayden. She says once she realized, she never said a word to anyone about Jason’s real identity, so why won’t he trust her? He tells her about Britt. Hayden says she had the same problem with her ex-husband, and when she came to town, she just wanted to take it out on everyone. Nicholas wants to get it on, but she says she can’t move forward unless the relationship is based on trust.

Patrick starts wigging out about Sam basing her accusation on what Jake said. He gets a little out of control and does a table flip like he’s on Real Housewives.

Jason says he doesn’t believe Elizabeth is a lying manipulator like Hayden. Man, has he got a lot to learn; she could teach Hayden a thing or two. Elizabeth says she wants to be with the man he is now. They say I love yous and I gag. Elizabeth goes upstairs, but the look on Jason’s face tells me he’s not totally buying that she’s telling the truth.

Hayden tells Nicholas that her dreams are a metaphor for Nicholas getting past her defenses. He says he thinks they’re both in trouble.

Nathan finally finishes work and goes into the interrogation room to find Maxie asleep.

Lulu says she wants Johnny to get rid of Valerie, but not kill her. She says she wants Valerie to go out of their lives and never come back. He says he’ll handle it, but the less she knows the better. I can’t wait to see what he has planned.

The two idiots Valerie and Dante come to the conclusion that maybe they shouldn’t be seen together where everyone else from the station hangs out.

Elizabeth comes downstairs to find Jason gone.

Sam says she’s totally committed to Patrick and is moving forward with the divorce, but Jason still has a right to know the truth. Patrick says it’s over, and goes to leave. Jason is at the door. Patrick leaves and Jason comes in. He apologizes to Sam. He says she’s been nothing but kind and he’s sorry. He says now that he’s more rational, he wants to know what’s going on. Sam tells him that Elizabeth knew for months who he really is.

Tomorrow, more truths from Sam.

Just a note to those who would perpetrate dastardly deeds. I’d rather you didn’t , but if you’re going to, please make it after 4 pm. Kay? Thanks.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Kyle and family are going overseas for a vacation, ending with Nicky Hilton’s wedding at Kensington Palace in Kensington Gardens. Lisa and Ken are coming along for the ride.

Giggy! And Lisa’s closet! Lisa is trying to find something for Kyle to wear at the wedding. I’ve seen Kyle’s closet too, so I’m not getting this.

LisaR is showing off her birthday earrings from Harry. They’re simple round diamond drops set in silver and I love them too. Lisa is having Facetime with her parents. She says she’s able to cope with them getting older and in not such great health by living in the moment. Her mom gives us all TMI about her dad. LisaR signs off by saying she hopes his penis feels better. ♫ La-La-La! ♫

Kyle tells Lisa she’s not going to the wedding anymore. She says she was told it would be better if she didn’t come. She tells Lisa not to bring the dress, but I’ll bet Lisa does anyway. It sounds as if there’s some dispute about Kyle doing the new TV show based on her life, so I guess Kathy is being an idiot. What a shame.

We haven’t seen Yolanda yet, but just for the record, I’m hating on David Foster. What a freaking creep he is to divorce her when she’s so ill and she’s been so supportive of him. Typical though. It’s like when a woman works to put her husband through school, and then when it’s her turn, he books. I hope the next one takes him for everything he’s got and pawns his Grammys.

Eileen and Vince go to Palm Springs where Dick Van Patten has a star on their walk of fame. Eileen had recently lost her sister as well. Her sister had cancer, but had not told anyone she was in the final stage of life, and ended up dying in Eileen’s arms at the hospital. This makes me want to call my sister, who had a stroke last year.

LisaR is meeting LisaV for lunch. LisaR says she likes to be around sparkly things and LisaV sparkles. LisaR talks about going to Dick Van Patten’s memorial. She says he was beloved by everyone and it’s been very difficult for the family.

LisaV says that Ken is going to be 70 soon and she wants to do something special. She’s found the smallest horse in the world in Ohio. The owner is willing to sell it and LisaV wants LisaR to come with her to pick it up. She also wants LisaR and Kyle to help care for it until Ken’s birthday, but the horse likes to sleep in bed with people. It is pretty cute and probably not any bigger than a large dog.

Yolanda is at the oral surgeon. She’s had all her old fillings taken out and replaced with gold crowns, but themetal levels in her blood are still high. So she’s having the crowns tested for what metals are in them and has brought an analysis of her blood work for the surgeon to look at.

I feel so badly for Yolanda. And now I feel even worse because that beast, David, shows up. (The show was taped ages ago, so he’s still pretending to be supportive.)

Yolanda starts to choke and David says it’s the numbing in the back of her throat that’s causing her to think she can’t breathe. When I think about it, it makes sense. David the Cretin jokes about how soon they can have sex.

Boom! We’re in Italy! Kyle and her family have chartered a yacht. It’s not Captain Lee though. As always, the food looks fabulous. Kyle says she never vacationed as a child; she only traveled for work. I’m quite sure this trip alone makes up for it.

Lisa and Ken arrive.  The countryside is absolutely beautiful. Lisa says it’s a different sensibility in Europe. Lisa says she’s glad to be away from the restaurant. I’ll bet.

Kyle and Mauricio have rented a villa. Is there any other way? Mauricio has also rented a Ferrari and is driving to the villa with one of the kids, while Kyle gets there in a van. Mauricio gets lost, so Ken and Lisa arrive before he does. The car keeps telling him to make a U-turn. Of course he doesn’t want to admit that he doesn’t know what he’s doing. What is it with men and not asking for directions? Bible teacher Joyce Meyer says that’s why it took the Israelites 40 years to make an 11 day trip. Ha-ha! Yep. I’ve been a passenger in that car too.

Mauricio tells his daughter that had her mom been in the car, it would have been so not fun for him. They finally get to the villa, and immediately hit the pool. Kyle and Lisa are going to take the car and go exploring. Kyle says it’s nice to be away from all the family drama with Kim.

Back in Beverly Hills, LisaR and Eileen stop by to visit Yolanda. Yolanda’s aide, Daisy, answers the door. They see Yolanda’s medicine cabinet, which is really a linen closet, and there’s a mind-boggling array of stuff. Eileen says it’s like when her sister had cancer. The girls get together with Yolanda in the living room. Yolanda says she can’t remember what it’s like to be normal. She talks about parasites that she had removed and they were quite long. She tells them about having her teeth removed. Eileen says it’s real flashback to her sister trying everything to fight for her life.

After they leave, LisaR says she feels a deep sadness and darkness in seeing a young woman not being able to live her life. She says it seems like she’s succumbed to it and accepted it. Truth be told, she really isn’t looking too good.

Kyle and LisaV are strolling around the grounds with Margaritas, and Kyle says it’s like walking in a painting. Lisa tells Kyle about Yolanda having her teeth taken out. Kyle says she’d asked her doctor about that and he said it can open you up to more problems. Lisa says she believes Yolanda thinks it’s more than Lyme disease and is stabbing in the dark. Kyle says when her mother died of cancer, she suddenly felt like she had weird symptoms and spent a lot of time trying to figure out what it was. Is she intimating that Yolanda is maybe not sick?

Everyone sits down to an enormous dinner at the villa. Ken says he’s getting so old, Lisa should start looking around now for a replacement. She asks why he didn’t tell her that when she was on Dancing with the Stars?

Kyle says she’s going to the wedding now, but Lisa says she didn’t bring the dress because Kyle told her not to. (Okay, I was wrong on that one.) I don’t see why she just can’t buy something new anyway. Mauricio says he’s not going, two of the daughters are in the wedding, and the other kids aren’t going. Huh? Lisa talks about the roller coaster that’s going on with Kathy pulling the strings, but Kyle doesn’t want to talk about it in front of the kids. It just sounds weird. It’s probably not just rich people weird either. Weddings and funerals bring out the worst in people.

Lisa says as her friend, she hates to see Kyle putting her all into relationships only to be manipulated and devastated. In her individual interview, Kyle says there’s been tension in her family and that’s why Mauricio isn’t going. And kids aren’t invited, except for the ones in the wedding party. Lisa says none of it makes sense and she thinks Kyle should detach herself. She says she doesn’t want to overstep her bounds, and one of the daughters says can we please not talk about it now.

Next week, shopping in Europe! And we finally get to meet new housewife Erica – and the tiny horse. Also, a lot of people diving into a pool with their clothes on.

Thought for the day: It must be a lot of responsibility being Joan Collins.

December 7, 2015 –GH, Pump & a Little Longoria

Standard

What I Watched Today

(random, rambling thoughts on today’s TV)

 

General Hospital

Without wasting any time, ABC breaks in with news that could easily wait until 4 o’clock.

When we finally return, Patrick is talking with Epiphany about Sam. He says, logically, she gets what’s going on and that Jason just doesn’t remember their life together, but in her heart, it’s hard for her to accept. Epiphany says he has to give it time.

Carly is still pressuring Jason about seeking his memory. She says no matter what, she loves him and he says, ditto, but get off his back. She says he keeps having flashes of memories, so he shouldn’t give up. She also says he still has the same instincts. He says she’s still his closest friend, but when he found out he was Jason, nothing happened. He says he wants to move on with Elizabeth, but Carly isn’t receptive to that idea.

Sam tells Elizabeth that Jake told him about the secret between her and Laura. She says Elizabeth saw Jason struggle to find answers, but did nothing. Elizabeth says that’s not true, but Sam says Laura confirmed it. Yep. It’s that old trick of telling them you know already to get them to say what they know.

Anna is at the docks where she lives now. Mac shows up and says that he was able to get Sloane’s computer and phone records. He says the last text was to her and after that, messages were picked up, but not responded to. He asks her to tell him what she knows. She says she thinks Sloan is dead. She tells him about dialing the number on the back of his business card, and that when she dialed, Paul picked up the phone.

Paul is checking out Sloane’s apartment. The super shows up and Paul says that he’s investigating the tenant from the apartment, and that the apartment was recently broken into. He asks if the super saw anyone and he says he thinks so.

Sonny is questioning Ava as to whether she knows gun importer Raj. Sonny says he deals with military weapons and everyone he deals with is on the NSA list. He says she’s jeopardizing Avery’s life. Ava says she would never do that. Sonny tells her she’s headed for prison or death, and he doesn’t want Avery exposed to it.

Jason tells Carly to quit bullying Elizabeth. Carly says Elizabeth is manipulating him and using his gratitude against him. He says he loves Elizabeth. Carly says if he does, that’s fine, but he needs to start trusting his instincts. He tells her again to lay off Elizabeth.

Elizabeth tells Sam she’s full of it. Sam says she can see fear in Elizabeth’s eyes, and she saw it on Cassadine Island too. She says Elizabeth is worse than Helena (which I totally agree with), because Helena never pretended. She says Elizabeth stole Jason’s life from him, Danny and everyone else who loves him. She says Elizabeth knew who he was the entire time and to stop lying. Elizabeth says Sam is lying – to herself.

Ava says Sonny can waste her time with his baloney all he likes, but she’s not putting Avery in harm’s way. She says she used to be afraid of Sonny, but she isn’t anymore. She says he’s weak and no longer a threat to her.  Julian is like, let’s hold on, but Sonny says he’s going to bring Ava down.

Patrick thanks Epiphany for listening. She says listening is easy, but taking action is the hard part. She says all she’s heard from him is how Sam thinks and feels, but what about him? He says he loves Sam. Epiphany says maybe he should remind her and that if he loves Sam, he needs to show her. Yep, lotsa men have a problem with that action part.

Elizabeth says that what Sam really wants is a Jason who doesn’t exist and she lies every time she says she loves Patrick. She says she didn’t take anything from Sam, that her husband is gone. He’s a different person now, and he loves her.

Carly agrees to stop being so pushy. She asks when Jason feels most alive though. She says he loves the rush of putting his life on the line, and Elizabeth will never allow him to be himself. She says she doesn’t want him going through his life half alive. She says it’s his decision, but she thinks marrying Elizabeth is a big mistake. Me too. She says in the old days, he was the one stopping her from being impulsive, but now it’s her turn to tell him to count to ten.

Julian asks if there’s any truth to what Sonny said. Ava says he’s just jealous because she has custody. Julian mentions that Ava said she was seeing someone new and asks if it’s Raj. She says no, but is cagey about whom it really is.

The super says he only saw the guy’s back. Paul says to keep everything on the down low and not to say anything about him being there because the investigation is under wraps. He says maybe he can swing some money the super’s way to pay for the lock and back rent.

Mac says he and Paul got to Port Charles around the same time, but he thought Paul had given up his wicked ways. He asks Anna if she’s sure about his involvement. Anna thinks that Paul killed Sloane and passed the body off as Carrrlos’s. Mac thinks it’s a possibility. Anna says if Carrrlos is alive, Paul has no leverage. Anna is afraid Paul will get to Carrrlos before she does. She wonders why Paul came back to Port Charles in the first place. Mac thinks he knows where to start.

Epiphany tells Sonny he’s missed half his PT session and Carly is annoyed.

Sam says maybe she doesn’t have proof that Elizabeth has been lying to Jason, but she can find it. And when she does, Elizabeth is going to regret every second she kept it to herself. Elizabeth yells at her to get out and when she opens the door, Jason is there. D’oh!

Mac tells Anna they’re going to figure things out together. Anna says they have to investigate Paul without his knowledge.

Paul talks to himself while he’s bagging stuff in Sloane’s apartment, vowing to find out who broke in.

Julian says he’s not going to ask Ava any questions about Raj or guns, because he’s promised Alexis that he’ll have nothing more to do with the mob. He tells her not to underestimate Sonny though. He says Sonny is down but not out.

Sonny says he can’t kidnap Jason for Carly. She says she doesn’t want that, but she wants him to be happy and Elizabeth isn’t putting Jason’s happiness first. Sonny plays devil’s advocate and says maybe he’s happy with Elizabeth. He does add that he wants his old friend back too.

Patrick orders lots and lots of flowers.

Elizabeth says Sam was just leaving. Sam says, no way, either you tell Jason or I will.

Tomorrow, Jason gets really pissed off at Sam.

Vanderpump Rules

Lisa tells the staff that Gay Pride Day is coming up. Jax says last year Lisa focused on PUMP, so he’s hoping that SUR will also get some attention this time around. Lisa says that PUMP was new last year, but she’s also throwing a party at SUR this year.

Jax asks Scheana what she would do if she only had 5 days to live. She says travel, but he says make a hit list. Geez. He says James would be on the list and Scheana asks if that’s because he ended up with Lala instead of Jax. In her individual interview, Scheana says that ever since James started to DJ, the ladies have been loving him, but she couldn’t date someone whose clothes are smaller than hers. Ha-ha!

The dresses for the SUR party arrive and they’re pretty darn cute. A 50s halter style in a mini, pink with a black and white floral pattern. Lisa asks Katie and Ariana to be supportive of Scheana, because she and Shay are going through a tough time. Scheana says that things have been going well, but she doesn’t want him to go overboard with drinking at the party. Jax says he shouldn’t even come, since it’s like a circus of drunks.

James comes over to Lala’s apartment. She has a cute black lab mix named Lily. This has nothing to do with the story, but I love dogs, so I mentioned it. James says that she bummed him out when she was cold to him after talking to Kristen.  James gives us TMI about what he likes sexually, and in her individual interview, Lala says she doesn’t think they’ll ultimately be compatible.

Lala says she has to lay out boundaries for James or he’ll be overly-aggressive. She just wants to date him and not get too involved. James has brought his keyboard and they practice some tracks together. Lala says that she just wants to see how things go, but James says he doesn’t like to leave things open-ended. Lala says that if he’d just shut up and speak through his music, life would be a lot better.

Sxhwartz and Tom take Shay to the gym. Tom says he thinks Shay can benefit from “Afro Brazilian Dance Fighting.” I’m not sure if he’s being funny or this is a real thing. The instructor says he combines a lot of different techniques. The class looks difficult, but fun. They do that rope climbing thing we had to do in elementary school phys-ed, but with some kind of heavy cloth. I’ll bet that’s easier to climb that that stupid rope that hurts your skin. Shay throws up in the parking lot. Maybe they should stop working out for now. Tom and Schwartz do push-ups, while Shay cheers them on.

Tom says the first day of working out is always the hardest. I agree. Tom asks Schwartz about the engagement ring he’s having designed for Katie. Schwartz says it’s awesome and he’s pretty excited about it. They talk to Shay about his addiction, and he says it’s not so much about alcohol, but he had a hard time with kicking the pills.

Scheana is getting her name changed on her driver’s license. Ariana is along for the ride. Scheana has the best experience anyone ever had having their picture taken at the DMV. She’s dressed to the nines and you’d think the “photographer” actually cared. Ariana says she doesn’t believe in marriage for herself – her parents split up, got back together, had another baby,and split up again – but she’s supportive of Scheana and Shay.

Shay says it sucks because Scheana has something to hold over his head now. Schwartz says Shay is one of his few married friends and Shay makes marriage look scary. He says if Scheana and Shay are having problems, what hope is there for him? Dude, the guy is an addict.

Party planner, Kevin Lee, is helping Lisa decorate at PUMP. Lisa wants them to pink it up and gay it up. James is running late and breezes in. Lisa sees some scratches and bruises on him and asks what happened. We both go la-la-la, but he says it wasn’t Lala. I guess they’re not exclusive. Does Lala know that?

Ken tells Lisa that James is getting it on with another hostess at SUR. Lisa is like, in a world full of women, why at my restaurant?

Man! It’s crowded in the streets for Gay Pride. Lisa says she wears a wide brimmed hat to give herself a little barrier because the crowds can be overwhelming. It probably keeps her from getting everyone’s germs too, since everyone does that double-kiss thing in L.A.

Jax says it’s not a restaurant it’s a smorgasbord of people having fun and doing bad things. Lala asks if she and Jax could have a drink, as she wants to talk to him. He tells one of the customers he’s going to <bleep> her. Tell us how you really feel.

Schwartz says Peter with short hair is like Popeye without his spinach. At least he didn’t use a Samson reference. Schwartz isn’t working and Katie is jealous. I’ll bet it’s worth the tips though.  Jax is drinking while he’s bartending and Katie says he’s like a bull in a china shop on roller skates during an earthquake.

Lala sees the marks on James. She asks where he got them and he tells her he was with someone else. Lala asks if he slept with a cobra. Lala says she told him she wouldn’t be annoyed, but she is. She tells him to get out of her face. Lauren (the cobra) asks James to take a walk with her.

Things are as busy at SUR as they are at PUMP and Lisa is mighty pleased. I don’t know if I’ve ever been in a place this crowded. Jax is basically arguing with the customers, telling them that they want more liquor than they’re ordering. Then he breaks a glass – into the ice chest. Good job!

Shay tells Scheana he’s taking it easy. He’s only having a few beers while watching everyone else do shots and get wasted. He says it’s actually embarrassing to think that was him.

The female staff is having a group picture taken and Kristen tries to get into it. She keeps saying how much she’s glad to be away from SUR, but she never seems to really go away.

Lauren tells Lala to let things with James go and that for all he knows, she’s sleeping with other guys. She says Lala shouldn’t ask him a bunch of questions. Isn’t she the one he slept with??? They hug. Isn’t she the one he slept with???

Gay Pride is wild in the streets and the PUMP and SUR parties are still rocking. Lisa says she’s exhausted. I would be too.

Scheana is counting out her tips and it comes to $748. Not bad for a day’s work. She says she feels like a stripper.

Lala asks Kristen if she can take James back. James comes by and asks why she’s angry. Kristen says he’s disgusting and should go away. Jax says James has a self-destructive pattern which is the pot calling the kettle black. Jax and Lala say they’ll speak later, but I don’t know how much that’s directed at James to make him jealous. Lala insists on knowing who it was James slept with. Yep. It was Lauren. Lala doesn’t know who to beat up first.

She’s gunning for Lauren and hunts her down. Lauren says they’re not talking about this and walks away. Apparently, Lauren is also with Anthony the bartender, so Lala lets him in on it. Now Anthony is gunning for Lauren. Lauren makes the camera go away. Lala says it’s not fair and this isn’t happening. Lala, Anthony and Lauren go behind closed doors.

Jax is waiting like a vulture. Jax asks what Lala expected, and Lala says not this. She says at least Jax was real with her from the jump. She leaves with him. She says she’s over James.

Next week – James is pissed at Jax and spits on Kristen’s apartment door.

Telenovela

I knew I was going to like this show even before I saw it. Eva Longoria playing a Spanish telenovela star who doesn’t speak Spanish? What’s not to like? Eva is very funny and has a flair for physical comedy. I love Devious Maids, and since this comes from the same gene pool, I expect I’ll love it too.

A guy from Santo Domingo that I dated for a while turned me on to telenovelas. I had no clue what they were saying, but they were so broadly acted, it wasn’t hard to understand. In one episode that stands out in my mind, two guys were throwing voodoo at each other in the hospital. It was pretty wild stuff, and I think lends itself to satire.

So far, so good. It’s also very reminiscent of Ugly Betty. The real premiere is on January 4.

December 1, 2015 — GH, a Good-by & a Welcome Back

Standard

What I Watched Today

(random, rambling thoughts on today’s TV)

 

General Hospital

Alexis is skeptical as to whether Helena is dead. Nicholas says he buried her himself, which is another reason I’m skeptical. Alexis starts singing about the wicked witch being dead. Geez, control yourself.

Elizabeth tells Carly to get lost. Carly says she’s concerned about Jason. Elizabeth says Jason is his own man, but Carly says Jason doesn’t know who that is. Check and mate. Carly tells Elizabeth she doesn’t care about him and just wants to trap him.

Laura asks Sam what’s up. Sam says that when she and Jake were talking, he said that she and Elizabeth were keeping a secret. Way to make Laura nervous.

Commercial break. This is a first. General Hospital is being brought to us today by the US Army.

Julian tells Maxie and Nina that if they don’t bring the magazine’s numbers up, he’ll have to shut it down. Maxie tells him that headhunters are already after Nina,but with their budget, there’s not a lot they can do.

Nicholas tells Alexis that Helena taunted Jason with her last breath and then keeled over. Alexis is concerned that Nicholas is picking up where Helena left off. I have news for her, he picked that up long before she left it off.

Laura says she can’t imagine what Sam is talking about. Sam tells her it involves Jason.

Patrick continues to act like an idiot. He’s annoyed that Jason has a son with Sam, and intends to stay in their lives.

Elizabeth says Carly just wants the old Jason back because she’s selfish. Carly says she wants him back because she’s his friend and he still has the old Jason instincts and wants danger and excitement. She says he’s going to end up seeking it out. Elizabeth says a bunch of nasty stuff, adding that if she has her way, Carly is not getting the old Jason back.

Laura plays it cool. She says Jake has an active imagination, and she’ll let his parents know he’s telling stories. Sam says she doesn’t think it’s his imagination and comes out and asks if they knew Jason’s identity before he did.

Jason tells Patrick that if he loses Sam, it won’t be because of him.

Carly tells Elizabeth that she always tried to make Jason feel small so he’d fit in with her. Snap! She reminds her of all the lies involving Danny. She says the only reason Jason is with her is because he doesn’t remember Sam or pretty much anything else, including what a manipulator Elizabeth is. Elizabeth says they’re together now and there’s nothing she can do about it. Carly says one day Jason might wake up to what’s going on.

Maxie says they need to give Nina a makeover and make every woman want to look like her and every straight man want to be with her. She’s bringing in a stylist. She tells Nina,”Change your clothes, change your life.” Preach it, sister.

Franco corrals Julian. He says Nina is brilliant, but can’t figure out why he would hire her with no experience. He tells Julian that if he hurts Nina, he’s going to clean up the floor with him. He says Nina has been through enough. Julian says that he only gave her a break because of her rough life. Please.

Nina gets a makeover! The stylist says Nina is her masterpiece. Nina says the shoes are pinching her feet, and Maxie says that’s okay because her feet will be numb soon. Ha-ha! They reveal Nina, and honestly, she doesn’t look much different than she did before. Just more dressed up. And in all black as a fashion editor should be. At least in New York.

Nicholas tells Alexis about the whole trip to Greece.

Carly says the second Jason remembers who he is, he’s going to leave Elizabeth. Elizabeth whines that Jason loves her. Carly says if that’s the truth, then she should give him a chance to remember. Well played!

Jason comes by Sam’s to pick up Jake. Laura is still there and Jason is like, hmm…what up?

Since Nina has mother issues, she says her sole purpose when she came out of her coma was to have a baby and seek revenge. Maxie points out that’s two purposes. The bottom line is that Nina always felt inferior, but she’s really happy right now. She vows to make something out of the magazine and her life. They fist bump to proving Julian wrong. Julian is at the office door and Nina says they know exactly what to do, but need his money to do it.

Alexis and Nicholas discuss Sam and Patrick. They agree that Patrick is a better match for keeping her safe, but Alexis says ultimately, it’s not their decision.

Elizabeth tells Carly “nice try,” and goes back to work. Patrick tells her about asking Jason to leave Sam alone.

Laura, who now has a perpetual worried face, tells Jason she’s sorry the whole Greece thing wasn’t more fruitful, but he got a couple of answers, so she hopes they can move on. She leaves and Jake is ready to go. He tells Sam he promises to keep her secret. Too bad that plan didn’t work.

Franco sees Carly and says he’s working there again. She says Obrecht must hire people who make her look sane. Ha-ha! She tells him to stay away from Morgan. He says he owes her one for dropping the charges against Kiki. Carly says shedid it for Kiki and enjoy feeling comfortable right now, because everything is going to come crashing down. I’m perplexed as to why she’s so angry with him.

Julian says if they need money, they have to draw up a proposal. Nina hands him a folder that she’s already put together. Julian leaves and Nina wants to show Maxie her brilliant idea.

Jason asks Jake if he wants to talk about anything, but stupid Elizabeth walks in. Jake goes off to watch TV, and Jason tells Elizabeth sorry he didn’t stick around for the lunch they were supposed to have. He calls the argument with Patrick “fallout,” saying that he thought things would normalize when he found out who he was, but that hasn’t happened.

Patrick has invited Alexis to Sam’s house to be her divorce lawyer. That’s kind of presumptuous of him. He’s really getting on my nerves. Sam tells her that when she’s ready to get a divorce, she’ll call Alexis, not Patrick. Good. Alexis leaves and Sam is not too happy with Patrick. I wouldn’t be either.

Julian tells Alexis that Nina has an idea that will put Crimson where he wants it, which is in the dumpster. I’m not sure what she told him, but Maxie seems pretty psyched. However, the money is still the issue (no pun intended). Nina says she’ll pay for it herself. She’s going to put in everything she has to make sure Crimson rises from the dead.

Carly continues being nasty to Franco. She says when Jason remembers how much he hates Franco, he’s going to make sure he’s dead.

Laura comes flying into Wyndemere. She tells Nicholas that Sam is thisclose to figuring out the truth.

Patrick says he wasn’t forcing Sam to do anything she didn’t say she wanted. Jason is divorcing her, and he wanted to make sure she had representation. Sam says yeah, right, he’s trying to manipulate her.

OMG – don’t tell me Elizabeth is actually going to do the right thing for once. She tells Jason she’s hanging on so tight to him, neither one of them can breathe. She says she’s letting him go and takes her ring off. This has to be a trick.

Tomorrow, Laura freaks out.

Below Deck – Reunion Part 2

We start off still discussing the oven fire debacle and whether Kate had been drinking or not. This is coming from Rocky to deflect from the fact the fire started because the oven was dirty. I’m sure that if Kate really did have a cup of wine around, it wasn’t affecting her job performance.

Andy says Captain Lee is a “man of mystery,” but I think it’s more like he wants to keep his distance from the drama. Andy asks if he’s a celebrity in the yachting community and he balks, but the other crew members say he is. We learn his first name is Harold. All this time, I thought it was Lee.

Andy asks Rocky what she thinks of him as a captain. Why her opinion should mean anything, is beyond me. She says he’s supportive of his main people, Eddie and Kate, but the others disagree. They say he’s supportive of everyone, but doesn’t put up with nonsense. Captain Lee says his main deal is that he needs it to be real and honest. No wonder I like him so much.

Andy asks Connie what her goal is and if she aspires to be a captain. She says not necessarily, but she’ll always want to work on boats. We flash back to when Connie’s father passed away. She says she was also on charter when her grandmother died (who she was close to, unlike her father) and that it’s difficult to get news like that through a text message, and she often doesn’t react until she gets home.

Eddie says together, Emile and Connie make the perfect deckhand. Andy reads a tweet that talks about how Connie and Rocky started off fine, but didn’t end on a good note. Connie says every time the cameras pointed at Rocky, she acted like a theatrical lunatic. Connie says you can still have friends that annoy you.

Rocky brings up when Connie put the whipped cream bikini on. Kate says that was different because it was off time, while Rocky took her clothes off during charter and dove off the side of the boat. Rocky says she had to take her clothes off because she was wearing an expensive mic. Okay. Captain Lee says her problem is, she doesn’t own her stuff. She always makes excuses for her mistakes. I’m with him on this. I hate that.

Rocky says she’s learned a lot since then and apologizes. She says that she thinks she was just overwhelmed with the whole thing. Kate and Rocky hug and I actually think it’s sincere. Kate says she’s ready for “the list,” a term she uses for people who have their job down and you don’t have to show them how any more.

They talk about the night Chef Leon quit. Andy says Chef Ben flew in like a yachtee superhero. Enter Ben. He says as a yacht chef, your job is to follow the guests’ preferences rather than just doing whatever. He says the galley was a disgrace and the health department would have shut it down.

They talk about Chef Ben’s accident and how Rocky literally had to be his left hand. Ben says she has the potential to work in the galley.

A tweet asks if Kate gets along with anybody and we flash back to an argument between her and Ben. Not really a fair example. Kate and Ben say that it’s more like banter between them. Andy asks about their “fling,” and they make jokes about how it didn’t last all that long. Andy asked if Kate had thought to rekindle the flame when Ben returned, but she says it was more like she was just grateful for a friendly face. Andy keeps pushing for them to get together again and it’s kind of annoying.

Dave, the final replacement deckhand, joins the group. Emile has all good things to say about his bunkmate. All of a sudden, Andy switches gears and starts talking about Eddie and Rocky’s hook-ups in the laundry room. Andy asks who made the first move, and Eddie says it was Rocky even though he texted first. Rocky acts like being on a yacht is a prison sentence where you have no other choice but to get together with your co-worker. Eddie says he doesn’t deny what happened, but it wasn’t exactly a relationship. More like friends with benefits. Rocky says usually friends with benefits act like friends.

Andy asks if Eddie thought it could really be kept secret and he says yes. Huh? He does know this is on TV, right? Rocky says she thought she could trust Emile because they were friends. Emile wants to deny that he had a crush on Rocky. Please. Especially after he wanted to fight for her honor. Amy calls Rocky out that she should have known better since Emile worked closely with Eddie.

Ben jokes about tipping his hat to Eddie for his sneaking skills. He says yachting is a concentrated environment and stuff is going to happen. Andy asks Rocky if she thought it was going to continue after charter. She says not after he went around talking trash about her. Connie hadn’t believed it at first and she says that’s because all anyone ever talked about Rocky was smack, and she didn’t think her boss would be “banging a cuckoo bird.”

The big denial is discussed. Like seriously, did Eddie think that was going to fly? He says he was ashamed of himself for his unprofessionalism. Rocky says she was surprised he didn’t feel something more for her. Eddie said he’d liked her, but when she went crazy and dove off the boat, things changed.  Eddie says that was the end, but Rocky interjects there were two more times after the show. What is wrong with Eddie? I hope his girlfriend gets a clue and dumps him.

They interject a scene where each of the crew members reads what their Real Housewives tagline would be. My favorite was Leon (read by Andy): Tonight, I’m serving beef cheeks.

Seriously, what is wrong with Eddie that he thinks this wouldn’t come out? He continues to deny it, but Rocky says she has no reason to lie. Stir-the-Pot Andy says Eddie does, since he’s back together with his girlfriend. Rocky says that they had been broken up at that time. I never get why people pretend something didn’t happen when they have it on film, but this dude just continues. Captain Lee says he was extremely disappointed in Eddie and it feels like when your father says something like that.

Andy reads a tweet that asks why Rocky seems to be solely to blame for the male reaction to her. I do kind of feel sorry for her here because she says she thought Eddie was at least a friend. Eddie says he told his girlfriend before he even got home. Andy asks if he hadn’t been caught, would he have told his girlfriend and he says yes, but come on. Eddie is like, can we just move forward, and Rocky says she forgives him. 1…2…3…awww!

Commercial break. I don’t recognize one couple on the new season of Marriage Boot Camp, except for Mama June and Sugar Bear. Maybe I’ll be skipping that one.

Andy asks if everyone sees themselves working on yachts in the future. Eddie says he’s going to concentrate on his career in tugboats. A spin-off series, Below Deck: Mediterranean will be coming up, with Chef Ben in the galley. I’ll definitely be watching this, but some of the scenes where the guests are treating the crew members like trick ponies are a little disturbing.

I’ll miss these guys, especially Captain Lee. I hope they come back for another season some time.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Giggy! A dude from the LA Dodgers comes to Lisa’s house because she’s going to throw out the first pitch for LGBT Night, and he’s going to teach her how to do it. The dogs go crazy as soon as they see a ball. Ken tells Lisa to pretend the guy is Brandi. Ha-ha! Lisa says she doesn’t have anything to do with Brandi anymore and I don’t blame her. That girl (and I use the term loosely) is a menace.

LisaR is doing an Oprah: Where Are They Now? show and the producer is there to go over things. LisaR says to actually get Oprah, you have to be at the next evolutionary level, which she’s working toward, but isn’t there yet. She says the longest she’s worked at a job is three years, so she has me beat by one. Except for my six year stint as a mother’s helper.

Eileen says her latest soap storyline is a complicated one, including a love triangle between her, her daughter and her daughter’s boyfriend. She says the last time she did that, she was the daughter, and wonders if she’ll be in the business long enough to do one being the grandmother.

LisaR says she hopes the rest of her career eclipses her Depends commercial, so it doesn’t say “she wore diapers” on her tombstone.

Kyle gets ready to meet Lisa at Villa Blanca. I’m glad those two made up.

Yolanda is not doing too well physically. Her daughter, Gigi Hadid, calls and Yolanda says Gigi had to leave school because the modeling contracts are plentiful right now.

Lisa wonders why Yolanda is doing so many different treatments. Yolanda was diagnosed with neurological Lyme disease a few years back, and is at a loss as to what to do, so she’s doing it all. She says it’s like trying to uncover a murder mystery.  She hasn’t even driven a car in three years. Kyle tells Lisa it’s weird how Yolanda never leaves the house anymore. Lisa says she wasn’t thrilled with how Yolanda treated Ken last season, but she’s letting it go under the circumstances.

Kyle says she’s in talks for a scripted show about her life in the 70s. Her sister Kathy is skeptical, but Kyle says the show isn’t about her. She says she hasn’t even been speaking to Kim. Kyle talks about Kim being arrested for drunk and disorderly at the Beverly Hills Hotel. Kyle says at least it’s easier now that everything is out in the open, and we flash back to several scenes where Kim was obviously out-of-her-mind drunk.

LisaR is having a dinner for her birthday. She invites Yolanda, who says husband David is away working, but maybe she’ll bring her friend, Angie. After she hangs up, she gets down about not being able to go places. She says if it wasn’t for her kids, she would have jumped off the balcony. In her individual interview, she talks about how she used to be so in control of everything and making it perfect, which she can’t do anymore. It’s really kind of sad. I’ve since read that she and her husband are divorcing, which makes it even sadder.

Giggy! Lisa is honored to be throwing out the first pitch, but is wishing she had a shot of vodka first. Giggy is with Lisa and Ken, looking as handsome as ever. He makes a big yawn and I squee. Lisa can’t pitch her way out of a paper bag, but everyone cheers anyway.

LisaR goes shopping with her daughters. It’s a cool store called Dungarees, not like those rich people stores that only have three items in them. LisaR sounds like a great parent. One of the kids wanted a car, so she told them to get a job. That’s what my father said when I was old enough to work and wanted a big ticket item.

Eileen is getting rid of some things in her house. While she’d thought it was eclectic, Brandi had said it was more like American Psycho.Eileen said it was hurtful, but it gave her a different perspective of her clutter. And actually that comparison is wrong, since the guy in that story was a minimalist. Eileen’s FIL, Dick van Patton, has also passed away recently, and left a void in the family.

I can assure you, LisaR’s birthday dinner venue is nothing like mine was. While I sat in front of the computer eating Arby’s, this restaurant looks like a fantasy villa with twinkling lights, flowers and columns. Yolanda shows up sans makeup and really doesn’t look too well. She still looks better than me on my best day, but in comparison to what she normally looks like.

Lisa and Ken have plans to join Kyle and her family on a vacation in Tuscany. Yolanda feels akin to a “car overheating” from pushing herself to go out and has to leave. LisaR’s husband, Harry Hamlin, arrives. She says he has a lot going on and hasn’t stopped since Mad Men. The food looks fantastic and LisaR gets a surprise gift from Eileen and Vinnie, who couldn’t be there because of Dick’s death. Harry gives LisaR a gorgeous pair of earrings. I have a similar pair, but I can guarantee mine were cheaper. Harry makes a joke about them being cubic zirconia, but that’s highly doubtful.

LisaR says Yolanda was brave to come out without any “protection,” meaning the façade of makeup. She’s very touched that Yolanda showed up.

Back at home, Mauricio and Kyle discuss Kim. Kyle says that when she was younger, you kept things like alcoholism private and this was part of the problem, and at least everyone is being honest about it now. She says there was never a chance to have an open and honest conversation. She says she feels selfish not swooping in to save Kim, but Mauricio says the only way to help is by tough love. Kyle says it’s not like Kim is banging on her door to apologize either.

Next week – Tuscany!

Although I’m not adding it, I highly recommend The Girlfriend’s Guide to Divorce. It gave me my quote of the week.

You know the last time I had a night out? Never.

November 30, 2015 –Keeping Secrets in PC; Not So Much in LA

Standard

What I Watched Today

(random, rambling thoughts on today’s TV)

 

General Hospital

Jason wants to see Diane to get his financial stuff together. Elizabeth suggests he seek a divorce from Sam while he’s at it. No surprise there.

Morgan is getting reevaluated at the hospital. Sonny is fretting about Dante and Lulu. Carly tells him to give Dante some space. They talk about mystery child Christina, who is apparently getting over a broken heart.

Ugh! Valerie wakes up next to Dante and I want to throw up. These two disgust me to no end.

Laura (who is looking really good) calls Lulu to tell her good luck with Dante. Laura has no idea how much Lulu is going to need, especially when she walks in and Valerie is in her shower. Nicholas is back with the news that Helena is dead, but I don’t believe it. She’ll be back. They always are. Laura says she’s sorry for Nicholas’s loss. He’s like, really? After everything Helena put her through? She says Helena was still his grandmother. He says it’s hard for him to grasp that she won’t be around to wreak havoc anymore, but in a way it’s a relief. Laura says at least he and Elizabeth are in the clear. Hardly.

Hayden goes to the bar at the only favorite restaurant of Port Charles. She meets a guy named Curtis, who Sean sent to help her expose who really shot her.

Patrick has to go to work (at least somebody does) and Sam wants to plan a romantic evening. I get the feeling her heart isn’t entirely in it though.

Ava asks about Morgan and Carly tells her to just hand over Avery for visitation time. She says she agreed to supervised visits and behold! the supervisor.

Sam calls Jason and asks if he can arrange a play date for Jake and Danny. Elizabeth of course volunteers to drop Jake off. Jason tells her to stay at work, he’ll handle it. I wonder if anyone ever puts in a full day at the hospital and how anything even gets done in Port Charles. You’d think these people all work for the government.

Dante answers the door to find Lulu. She starts to talk about fixing things, but here comes that witch Valerie, wrapped in a sheet. Seriously, does anyone ever really walk around wrapped in a sheet like they do on TV or in the movies? I’ve never once done that. Valerie says she’ll get dressed in the bathroom. Lulu asks Dante if he’s going to say it’s not what it looks like, but he says it’s exactly what it looks like.

Carly tries to argue with Yvonne, the child visitation supervisor, saying that Avery is Sonny’s daughter. Why is she bothering with that, since she knows they have to go according to the court order?

Laura says that with Helena gone, the truth about Jason is gone. She tells Nicholas the only one he has to worry about now is Hayden.

Hayden tells Curtis she knows who shot her, but she needs evidence.

Elizabeth tells Patrick that Jason is going to talk to Diane about a divorce, even though that’s not exact;u what he said he was doing. Although why should Elizabeth tell the truth about anything at this point?

Jason drops off Danny at Sam’s. They say blah-blah-blah about how they want the best for each other. He tells her he’s going to see Diane and Sam says it’s time for them to get a divorce and he won’t have any problem with her about it.

Patrick says he’s not surprised about Jason getting a divorce. Jason told him Sam is just a friend and he belongs with Elizabeth, who gloats like the cat who ate the canary.

Jake spills something and asks Sam not to be angry. She tells him that she once spilled a whole carton of milk and blamed it on the cat, and that this is the first time she’s ever told anyone. Since she shared this secret with him, she asks if he would like to return the favor.

Nicholas says he can trust Hayden. Laura says she doesn’t want to see him get hurt like what happened with Britt.

Curtis says if Hayden knows who shot her, why not just call the cops? She says she doesn’t want to involve them. Curtis is hesitant, as he doesn’t want to end up in prison with Sean.

Some guy is in the gallery when Ava walks in and she says she’s going to get the police if he doesn’t leave. Paul pops in and introduces her to “Raj.” He also tells her that he’s brought a new piece of artwork, which we know isn’t really artwork, but will probably never find out what it really is.

Carly asks Yvonne if she can give Sonny some space and just hang around outside. Surprisingly, she agrees, which I seriously doubt would happen in real life. Oh sure, I’ll just go get coffee when I’m supposed to be supervising the visit.

Lulu is like, I can’t believe it. Dante says she gave him separation papers, ignorant of the fact that the body isn’t even cold yet. She says he couldn’t even wait one day? and that she had come to tell him she’d made a mistake. She should really get rid of him. He’s just way too impulsive and has proved this over and over. Since that’s still her house, she should also drag Valerie’s ass out, dressed or not. And burn that sheet she was wearing. Maybe with her in it.

Jason is back at the hospital and tells Carly he wasted the trip to Greece. She says maybe he has to look inside himself for the answer. (More Wizard of Oz wisdom.) He says he has what he needs with Elizabeth and the kids. Carly says, what about Sam? and Jason acts like he’s never met her. Patrick tells Elizabeth he’s not so sure Sam doesn’t still love Jason.

Sam tells Jake to think of a secret and she’ll try to guess what it is. When she asks if it’s about his mommy, he practically spills every bean, except the actual secret.

Laura tells Nicholas that Spencer got attached to Britt and now he’s getting attached to Hayden. Nicholas says he knows what he’s doing and Laura says she hopes so.

Hayden tells Curtis that she thinks there’s a bullet in the wall at the garage. He says it might not provide the information she wants, but she says just get it and she’ll do the rest.

Ava asks my eternal question – what the blip is our business? Paul says they’re in international shipping and what difference does it make? Well, for one it makes a difference to customs.

Sonny teaches Avery Beautiful Dreamer. Ok, this is pretty cute and he actually knows words to the second verse.

Dante says Lulu said they were over and he believed her. Oh, I see. This he believes, even though he’s constantly double-checked everything she has to say up until now. Valerie, instead of keeping her stupid nose to herself, has to put in her two cents as she walks by, that it’s Lulu’s fault because she gave Dante the separation papers. Lulu is like, well, you were right there to jump in, and Valerie acts all high and mighty like the blippity-blip she is.

Lulu goes off like a rocket. Valerie says she wanted to play the victim and make Dante grovel. What’s wrong with that? I ask before screaming, “Smack her!” at the TV. Valerie says she was sorry for sleeping with Dante, but she didn’t destroy Lulu’s marriage, Lulu did. She leaves before I’m able to find something to throw at the TV.

Laura goes out for a glass of champagne and does a whole thinking out loud monologue that they rarely use on the soaps anymore. I love it! She makes a silent toast to Helena’s death, vowing to fix things with Nicholas that Helena messed up.

Jason tells Carly he wants to move on with Elizabeth and if it doesn’t fit her expectations, too bad. Carly says Elizabeth has tried to put him into a cookie cutter life and that he’s running from who he really is. She says Jason isn’t a stranger, Jason is him. Jason says get used to the new him.

Sam digs deeper to find out what Danny knows. When he seems uncomfortable, Sam tells him his secret with mommy is his secret with mommy and he doesn’t have to tell her. Sam makes a phone call to someone saying she needs to talk to them right away.

Sonny wants more time with Avery. Yvonne tells him she has to go by the rules and doesn’t want t o tattle to the judge, but Paul intervenes and says it’s cool if Sonny wants more time. What up wit dat?

Lulu asks Dante if Valerie is speaking for him and if he agrees with her. He says he speaks for himself and shows her the signed separation papers. Even though I detest him, I was hoping he’d rip them up for her sake. But nooooo.

Sonny thanks Paul for the extra time. Paul says he had the same experience with Tracy a million years ago. Paul says they also share a love for Port Charles and he wants to put an end to the kind of criminal activity that put Sonny in the wheelchair. Sonny says a lot of DAs have come and gone, and Paul says he isn’t like the rest.

Ava is trying to get into the crate that’s been delivered. She gets it open and there are weapons inside. I’m pretty shocked that this has been revealed, and wonder if the weapons are a front for something else.

Hayden tells Nicholas it’s been too quiet without him. He says he’s glad Spencer didn’t create chaos. She says that’s not the kind of excitement she’s looking for and they kiss.

Carly grabs Elizabeth and says she wants her to let Jason go. Jake leaves a message for Diane.

Patrick tells Jason thanks for divorcing Sam & it’s about time.

Sam opens the door to Laura.

Tomorrow – Franco! And more of Carly getting on Elizabeth’s case.

Vanderpump Rules

I gotta say, Lisa is an incredibly gorgeous woman. Lisa asks Scheana how it’s going with Shay. She says they’re going to hit the gym five times a week and eat healthy. Lisa says addiction isn’t cured by scrambling some egg whites. Amen.

Jax is pretending to stock the bar and probably slipping several bottles of wine into his car as he does it. He’s one of those people who can’t comprehend that cheating, lying and thievery is wrong. He says he has milk with a longer shelf life than Scheana and Shay’s marriage and generally throws them shade. Lisa chides him and tells him to keep his new nose out of it. It’s amazing how her beauty and her accent allow her to totally insult people and they don’t mind.

Lala is hung over and apparently made out with James at whatever party/bar/get together they were last at. James told her he and Kristen had broken up. He says in his individual interview that they have, they just haven’t broken up yet.

Kristen shows up at SUR and asks Lala (who she doesn’t know) to tell James that she’s waiting for him. Lala says it’s like a horror movie. Just wait. James is like, you’ve got to be kidding, and steps out to see Kristen. She’s a psychopath, but she knows how to pick an outfit. Her dress is amazing. Kristen is just back from a modeling shoot and there are two different stories according to the both of him. In James’s version, she went on a bender, probably had sex with some guy and never called the whole time; and in Kristen’s, she went out with friends and her phone died.

James tells her she will never see his gorgeousness again. He says that the only time that will happen is if she stalks him like she did Tom. In the meantime, Lala is telling Jax and Tom that she’s freaking because she made out with James and crazy Kristen is outside. Jax tells her that on a one to ten scale of crazy, Kristen is probably around 457. I’m making that up. He actually did a crazy scale with hand gestures, but I know he’d agree with my numbers.

Kristen brings up stuff that she’s done for James. He tells her that she’s crazy and a joke. She says she’s sorry her past has affected him, that she’s worked hard on herself and that it’s obvious he’s just trying to hurt her. She tells him he’s gorgeous (debatable) and talented (also debatable) and he’s throwing it away (still debatable because he’s only like 12). James says the only thing screwing up his life is her and tells her it’s over. He can’t help tossing back more insults as he walks away, saying he has a date tomorrow and it’s going to be a better time than he ever had with her. I can’t stand Kristen, and maybe James has a reason to be saying all this, but I’m liking him even less than her in this moment.

Scheana and Shay are having morning coffee. She has on these phenomenal blue framed glasses on that I’m sure weren’t cheap. She says they shouldn’t be as out of shape as they are at their age, and Tom is going to give them cooking and nutrition lessons.

Tom and Ariana arrive. Tom is going to cook them some omelets. As it turns out, he’s quite the omelet whiz and was once a professional omelet maker who cooked rich peoples’ breakfasts. The breakfast looks awesome, but there’s no way I’d do all that first thing in the morning. With the exception of Kristen, I think these kids are all good hearted, but misguided if they think babysitting Shay is going to keep him sober.

Peter is getting a haircut! I’ll bet this will make him look 10 years younger. When men wear long hair after a certain age, it just ages them. Maybe because it seems like they’re trying to hard to look younger. Jax tries to tell on James dating Lala (I guess she’s his tomorrow date?) and misuses the word “fraternization,” but Lisa isn’t having it. She says he’s just jealous. He says he doesn’t want to date Lala; he just wants to sleep with her. At least he’s honest. Although sleep is not what he means.

Rachel is the friend Kristen inflicts with her problems. Or in her words, when she’s having difficulties with her life, Rachel is the person she has a drink with. Or five. Her “girl power” friend. You go, Psycho Spice. Up until now, James has been telling Kristen that Lala is a whore, but she’s put two and two together that Lala must be his date. She barely slept and threw up all day. Have another drink.

Peter goes to the salon and brings his posse with him (Jax and Tom). The hairdresser is rocking some sort of natural style with a shocking pink blaze in the front. Peter’s ponytail gets cut and his head must feel lighter. He asks what was up with James the other night.

For whatever bizarre reason, Jax says the SUR bunch have invited both Kristen and Lala out for drinks at a club. Are they insane? Yes. Tom says he doesn’t think Jax will ever have a real relationship because he loves to stir the pot. He and Ariana are distancing themselves from the drama.

The girls go for pedicures. Scheana says that Kristen has been blowing up her phone. Scheana wants to call Lala out for being the type that goes after other people’s boyfriends. She thinks everything is okay with her and Shay, ignoring the fact that he’s been addicted for many years. They’ve decided to pretend the last week never happened, and she’s threatened him with divorce if he ever takes another pill. She seems to think this can replace rehab or meetings. Ariana is concerned that they will continue to sweep things under the rug.

Lala and James go to some burger place. Yay! They’re in time for happy hour. Lala says she was nervous all day. I would be too. Kristen is probably in the next booth. In her individual interview, she says he’s not her usual type, and that she usually goes for the steak, but she’s enjoying the string beans. James says it’s obvious Jax told Kristen what’s up with them. Lala doesn’t seem too concerned though, and I’m guessing she can hold her own against Alex Forrest Kristen Doute.

Lisa has brought in Jesse and Jen to teach the staff about wine and wine pairings. They hate being schooled, but at least Jax keeps his remarks to himself this time. Scheana stays behind and Lisa asks her for an update. Lisa says it’s not a good idea for Shay not to be working. Scheana says it’s more important that they work on their marriage, but Lisa tells her she’s going to end up resenting it. And she has on a fabulous pink sparkly ring! Frankly, I think that dude needs to start doing something with his time other than working the remote. Scheana says he’s trying, and Lisa says maybe not hard enough. If I was married to him, his behind would be out looking for a job, even if our last name was Rockefeller.

It’s time to go to the club for the interrogation drinks. Shay took a pass on the event for obvious reasons. Scheana starts off by saying she’d like to get to know Lala better, but dives right in to how James was still going out with – and there she is. Lala wonders why Kristen is there when everyone says how much they hate her. That is a really good point.

James tries to put his arm around Lala, and she tells him to have some respect. He says she’s no fun anymore. Really. It sounds like I made that up, but I didn’t. He said that. James follows Kristen, Jax and Tom outside, but sits separately. Kristen gives Jax some BS about how she’s so chill now. Lala bravely steps in and introduces herself and Jax runs like hell. Lala  tells Kristen that James said they were broken up. Kristen says James has called Lala a slut and a whore. In her individual interview, she says James was no doubt covering in case Kristen caught him texting her, which he’d been doing for a while.

James sits down, Lala says she’s offended, and the girls leave him sitting there by himself. Everyone reconvenes in the club. Lala tells James she didn’t like what he’d said about her. James acts like Kristen must have lied to her. Scheana says it really wasn’t cool and Jax is laughing his head off. Of course nobody has actually told James what they’re even talking about. James says it was before he really knew Lala and he was only talking about her outfit.

Next week – Gay Pride Day and Shay at the gym. Lala also gives James the brush off.

Tidbit from the After Show

Kristen says she smacked her face on the bumper of an Uber, which is why she has a black eye. Hmm…

I was okay with the bitch until he attached the basic to it. Lala, referring to James’s insults.