What I Watched Today
(rambling, random thoughts & recaps from today’s real time TV watching)

General Hospital

Hayden is approached by Federal agents in the parking garage. She says she thought they were done with questioning, but one of the agents says they have a few more.

Griff is at the bar. Mac says they didn’t get much of a chance to talk at the party, and asks Griff to tell him about himself. What is this dude hiding?

Alexis says Hale’s statement jives with the other accounts and tells someone to keep digging for dirt on him. Hale walks into the bar — not the start of a joke — and orders a double.

Anna thanks Andre, who says she’s the opposite of a flight risk. She’s too stubborn not to follow through. Jordan comes in and Anna says she was thanking Andre for what he did. In a snarky tone, Jordan says she knows everything that Andre has done for Anna.

Sam tells Julian she’s been avoiding the conversation, and asks him point blank if he had anything to do with Sonny’s shooting.

Carrrlos says if Michael breaks him out, he’ll tell him where Sabrrrina is. Jason interrupts. Carrrlos tells Jason to beat it, but Jason says it’s important he talk to Michael. Michael leaves with him and asks who sent him. Jason says he’s on his own because he’s worried about Michael. He says Carrrlos wants to use Michael and Michael says maybe it’s the other way around. Jason says the only way to engage with Carrrlos is to walk away.

Julian says he had nothing to do with the shooting. Sam says Alexis is defending a man she knows is guilty and she’s doing it because of Julian. She doesn’t think it’s fair.

Alexis asks to talk to Hale. She introduces herself and says she wants to talk to him about his testimony. Hale says he knows his rights and doesn’t want to talk to her.

Griff says there’s nothing to know, but Mac says Griff saved Tracy’s life. Mac says Griff has given his father a great legacy.

Jordan says she’s glad Anna isn’t behind bars anymore. Anna says they just need to get Carrrlos to flip on Julian. Jordan tells her about Hale. Anna thinks it’s just what they need and wants to talk to Scotty. Exit Anna.

Andre says he and Jordan have both had productive days and more than earned their date. Jordan says they should forget about the date. Sigh. What is wrong with her?

Hayden says she told them everything she knows. The agent asks if she has nothing to hide, why did she change her name? She says she was guilty in the court of public opinion and wanted a life. The agent asks why she hid the truth from her husband. With perfect timing, Nicholas shows up and wants to talk to them about his wife.

The agent says Nicholas is interfering with their questioning. Nicholas is like, in a parking garage? He says she’s a witness, not a suspect, and they’ve been questioning her for nearly 24 hours. He asks if she’s under arrest and the agent says no, but they have the right to question her. Nicholas says if they want to talk to her further, the agents can contact their attorney, Alexis Davis.

Hale tells Alexis to leave him alone. She says he doesn’t have to talk to her now, but he’s going to have to when she deposes him. She says the media is going to be swarming too, and asks if he’s ready for that. She says maybe they could talk one on one first. She just wants to know what he saw and heard the night Duke was shot.

Griff changes the subject, asking Mac about Maxie’s upcoming wedding. Mac tells him about Maxie’s first marriage and that even though it was a bust, she got Georgie.

Andre tells Jordan that if something is up at the station, they can go out later. Jordan says that’s not it and that hugging in a courtroom isn’t professional behavior. She talks about Andre’s kudos of Anna on the stand. Andre asks if she disagrees. He says if she’s reading too much into it, maybe she should see a psychiatrist.

Sam tells Julian about the deal Carrrlos was offered. Julian says he and Alexis talked about it and she’s at peace with her decision. Sam says she thinks it’s the opposite. Julian asks her if she hasn’t shown the same loyalty to Jason, but she says Jason would never ask her to do something that went against her principles.

Michael tells Jason that Carrrlos knows where Sabrrrina is. Jason says if he’s lying, where does that leave Michael?

Nicholas tells Hayden to get in the car. She asks what just happened. He says he was on his way to his car and saw the interrogation. She says welcome to her world, but wonders why he would come to her rescue. He says he’s a prince and that’s what they do. Hayden is like, nice try. Nicholas says he wanted to derail the questioning before the agents got to his personal finances.

Julian asks Sam to drop it. She says she’s disappointed because she believes Alexis’s happiness depended on him. He says they’re happy with each other and he has a family now because of her. He says he has a child to raise and Alexis wants to make sure he can do that. It’s Leo’s birthday and Sam tells him to give the baby a kiss. Julian says she’s his daughter and he loves her, and asks what’s up with her and Jason. She says she and Jason are where they’re supposed to be, back together.

Michael says Sabrrrina did something stupid, but she’s alone with the baby and needs his help. Jason says Carrrlos is just using her as leverage. He tells Michael to go back and tell Carrrlos to go to hell.

Hale says he already made a statement. Alexis says she has a couple of questions and Hale says to ask them when she deposes him. He tells her for the last time to leave him alone and leaves the bar. Anna enters.

Jordan asks if that’s a professional diagnosis and Andre says it’s a comment on her behavior. She says he and Anna spend a lot of time together for just being friends. He says they are friends, but Jordan is the one he’s interested in. He says she’s projecting and she assumes he’s cheating on her because she cheated on her husband. Jordan smacks him across the face.

Hayden sarcastically tells Nicholas he’s always thinking of others. She says they should discuss their future, and that it’s time to cut their losses. She says for a minute, she thought they could make a life together, but it’s time to go their separate ways.

Anna tells Mac thanks for sending her a wonderful lawyer. She says it surprises her to say it, but Scotty did very well. Griff says he’s glad shes out. Anna says her too, because she couldn’t take another minute in there and it’s the anniversary of Duke’s death.

Alexis says the witness’s story checks out and it makes Sabrrrina’s statement admissible. She says she can’t advise Carrrlos not to take the deal because he’s going to be found guilty.

Michael tells Jason he knows what he’s doing. Jason tells him if he needs anything to let him know. Michael goes back into the interrogation room and Carrrlos asks if they have a deal.

At her apartment, Jordan is acting like a big baby, throwing things around. Andre shows up, saying they’re not done. There’s something he has to tell her and he’s not leaving until he says it. Jordan asks who he thinks he is. He tells her he shouldn’t have accused her of projecting, that he was analyzing her and that was out of line. He tells her that if he wanted to date Anna, he wouldn’t be asking Jordan out. He doesn’t pursue a woman unless he’s interested in her and he’s very interested in Jordan. She says prove it and he kisses her.

Nicholas says they’re in a cooling off period. Hayden says they should call it quits, adding she consulted a lawyer and the prenup is binding. Nicholas is like, oh, I get it now. He says she’s more concerned with what she knows than the money. Hayden says she’s not going to press charges. He says not now, but what about later when the money runs out.

Griff says Mac explained the intricacies of the extended Scorpio clan and how Anna and his father fit in. Anna tells him about how when she and Duke finally got their priorities straight, it was too late. Griff says he’s surprised he didn’t realize it was the anniversary of Duke’s death.

Anna reflects back on the night she was meeting Duke and what a beautiful night it was. Griff says he’s sorry and Anna says he and Duke would have got on famously because their outlook on life is the same. She says Griff can turn an ordinary day into something beautiful. She tells Griff about the deal Carrrlos is being offered and says it’s a compromise she’s willing to take. She says Julian hated Duke for decades and tried to destroy his life. When Duke was finally walking away, Julian ordered his death.

Alexis says she tried to talk to Hale at the bar, but it went badly. Julian says they go to plan B and destroy his credibility. She says she can’t win the case, and all the motivation in the world won’t counteract a credible witness. He says he knows she’s going to win. I don’t know where Julian’s optimism is coming from, but if Hale shows up dead, won’t he be the first suspect?

Sam and Jason are in the park and discuss going on vacation. She suggests they go to the ocean. He says which one and she tells him he can pick. She says she has some bad memories of Hawaii though, and he suggests he listen to her pontificate, but she says she doesn’t want to talk about anything sad. Jason asks if Danny likes the beach and she tells him Danny loves the beach. She and Jason talk some more about vacationing and then they kiss. Someone is watching them. Franco? Or am I just supposed to think it’s Franco?

Sam hears a noise. Jason tells her to stay there and pretends he left his phone in the car. Jason finds Franco in the bushes. That answers that question.

Jordan and Andre get busy and there’s a song part. I take a quick power nap.

Nicholas tells Hayden she made her point and divorce is the way to go. He says they need to divide their assets. She says she doesn’t have any and he begs to differ. He takes out her makeup bag and there’s a pouch of diamonds in it.

Alexis tells Julian she has work to do. He says the case will be over before they know it. He kisses her and says how much she means to him. She leaves and Julian’s phone rings. It’s Hammer time! Julian asks if Hammer is telling him what he thinks he’s telling him. He hangs up and says it’s done.

Anna says when Julian is rotting in prison, she’ll feel that Duke has peace. Griff says what about her? He says she’s done everything she can for Duke, and does she know what she’s going to do now. She says she does.

Michael tells Carrrlos he’s out. He says Carrlos never had any intention of telling him where Sabrrrina is. Carrrlos says if Michael is too afraid of daddy, he’ll find another way.

Alexis finds Hale dead in the parking garage with a needle in his arm.

Tomorrow, Jason asks Franco what he wants, Nicholas says Hayden won’t get a dime of his money, and Alexis calls for help.

Southern Charm

Cameran starts us off by saying this is like a bad daytime soap that you keep turning back to. I tend to agree.

Oh no! Patricia’s sofa isn’t as fluffy as it should be after the Flamingo Party. Someone must have dared to sit on it.

Naomie’s parents have sold the house, so she and Craig have to move. Luckily, Naomie has a spare house. (Can you see the face I’m making?) Craig thinks Kathryn should have been invited to the party and thinks Whitney is the driving force behind her not being invited. He says Whitney has hated Kathryn ever since she got together with Thomas. He says Whitney is the only one she’s hooked up with who isn’t friends with her now, and thinks that there’s more to the story than a one-night stand, and that Whitney might have feelings for her. Hmm… Maybe he doth protest too much.

Whitney talks to his girlfriend Larissa who’s coming to visit. He thinks it’s time to make a commitment.

Kathryn meets Cooper for coffee, tea or whatever they drink in the South. He notes that she has a new Birkin bag. Am I the only one in the world not impressed by these purses? Cooper gives her the 411 on the Flamingo Party and how Patricia said he shouldn’t be seen with Kathryn in public. Cooper says again that he thinks Patricia sees herself in Kathryn and she upsets their world order.

Whitney and Patricia review the party. Whitney asks what Cooper pulled her aside for. She says he thought she was being cold. Whitney says he likes drama. Patricia says she hopes Cooper enjoyed the Flamingo Party because he’s never darkening her door again.

Kathryn tells Cooper about Jennifer calling her from the party. Cooper reminds Kathryn that Jennifer told her she didn’t sleep with Thomas, and she found out later that Jennifer did. Kathryn tells Cooper that Jennifer has been there for her. He asks if Jennifer is just telling her what she wants to hear and he wants her to know who her friends are.

Bailey comes to Shep’s place. She brings an easel. She’s paining a picture of him on a horse on the beach with his surfboard tucked under his arm. Although the only thing in front of her is Shep with his surfboard. Why?

Whitney and Landon go shopping. She wants to do something special for Shep’s birthday and has set up a roller skating party. Whitney asks about the guest list. She tells him Shep wants her to invite Kathryn, but she doesn’t want to. She says the downside is they can’t drink at the roller rink, but they can drink on the party bus on the way there. Whitney says she’s planning the party for her, not Shep, and we finally agree on something.

Shep says his neighborhood is off the beaten trail. He’s meeting Cameran at the neighborhood bar where he’s part owner. Cameran is wearing white jeans after Labor Day and says she’s living on the edge. Cameran has a new listing and she’s having him do the grunt work and advertising. She says she’ll split the commission with him if he brings her a buyer.

Shep tells Cameran that he really likes Bailey. Cameran says she’s ordained, so she could marry them. He says not everyone wants to get married, but she reminds him of a conversation he had with Craig about his perfect life with a wife and kids. He says there’s no timeline for a man, but Cameran says he’s going to be freaking by age forty and time’s a-wastin’.

Ugh! Thomas. He’s moving into his new house and once again I think all the wrong people have the money. He says in his heart he’ll always love Kathryn, but he gave it his all (cough!) and it didn’t work out. It didn’t work out because she expected a man, not a 14-year-old boy.

Kathryn is moving into her new house too. She says it’s the size of Thomas’s kitchen, but it’s a home whereas his is an empty house. She says she realizes that Thomas wasn’t the person she thought he was, and feels like she wasted two years. Well, at least she got a couple of kids out of it.

Craig is happy with his job. He’s running the construction of a hotel. He’d rather be involved with the bourbon company though.

Danni calls Kathryn and I cringe when she calls Kathryn “love bug.” Kathryn stops by Danni’s house. Danni says she misses her and has been thinking about her a lot. She asks why Kathryn hasn’t reached out to her. Kathryn says she knows Danni is friends with Cameran. Danni says people are scared to get too close to the situation and that they don’t know what’s a pressure cooker topic, since Kathryn has been volatile lately. Danni says she’s lovable and people want to see that side of her. Kathryn says it’s hard to open up. Danni thinks one on one, people would be receptive. Ooh! Danni has a Siberian Husky dog.

Landon (bleh) arrives at Thomas’s new house. She says his style is old-world masculine. She asks if he’ll be around this weekend, but he has the kids. She says they’re having a roller disco party for Shep’s birthday. He asks if she’s invited Kathryn. Landon asks why he cares and he says she’s the mother of his children and he likes her to be included. She says to be included you have to make friends with people. Thomas says Kathryn was hurt by a pic of the two of them and thought it was deliberate on Landon’s part. Landon says Kathryn is burn-down-your-house crazy.

She tells Thomas about her writing project and says she’s still working on her vision. She’s looking for investors and he tells her good luck. Ha-ha! I think it’s the first time I’ve liked him.

Kathryn calls Cameran. She asks if Cameran would like to go for coffee or lunch. Cameran says it’s commendable that she’s reaching out, but to be honest, Kathryn has been very volatile. In her interview, she says for the past two years she had a front row seat to the Kathryn and Thomas show and she wants to move to the nosebleed section. Kathryn says she wants to pursue friendships outside of Thomas. Cameran says she’s heard that they’re not together before and then they are. Cameran tells her she needs to focus on herself and her children. In her interview, Kathryn says she didn’t want them to wear matching pajamas, just go for coffee. And seriously, couldn’t Cameran spare an hour to be nice, especially when Kathryn is making an effort? I totally don’t get this fifth grade animosity toward Kathryn. All of them know what a loser Thomas is. He’s enough to drive anyone nuts. And every time this poor girl tries to be friendly, it gets thrown back in her face. She needs friends too, because friends tell you about things like birth control.

Idiot Landon gets her Xanadu costume on. She calls the roller rink and makes sure everything is in place. Shep says he’s never roller skated and used to make fun of people that did; now he’s turned into someone he despises. He wonders if Landon even knows him.

Craig puts on a really cool retro flower power shirt and purple pants. Go, Craig! Where does he find these clothes?

Shep is the first one at the meeting place. Landon picks up some disco cupcakes. Shep says he’s on time for his party and waiting in a polyester shirt with no booze. Landon arrives and tells Shep that tonight is all about him. He says but he’s never roller skated. He asks if Kathryn is coming and Landon tells him yes. He says he’s inclusive and has a soft spot for her, because when she’s not around Thomas, she’s not crazy and a lovely person. Told you. Thomas makes me crazy and I don’t even know him.

Everyone except Kathryn (who isn’t there) gets on the party bus. Landon is such an a-hole. She says she’s sorry Kathryn didn’t make the bus, but she’s totally lying.

The party bus arrives at the rink. Moron Landon has her skates on already and needs help to get off the bus. Shep asks if they can fill his roller skates with vodka and Cameran says Landon screwed the pooch on this one. Whatever that means.

There are childhood pictures of Shep everywhere which is probably the only thing about him in regard to this party. Craig is a roller skating master, and Shep wonders why he’s so good at embarrassing things. I stink at skating, so I understand Shep’s pain. He says Landon should know him better than this and won’t be planning next year’s party.

Cameran tells Craig about Kathryn’s call, but she says she’s not the one Kathryn needs to be calling. She says that Kathryn offended Patricia and Whitney, not her. Huh? Craig wonders what Kathryn did to Whitney. Cameran goes back to skating and Craig says he’s disappointed in her being the mean girl in the high school hallway.

Pizza and other food arrives. Bailey presents Shep with the painting. I can paint better, but he says it’s the best birthday gift ever. In her interview, Landon (who I dislike more every minute) makes nasty comments. I know I just made a snarky comment, but if this was my friend, I’d at least be polite for the show. Oh man, she is just so creepy for someone who is over the age of 14. Craig calls Kathryn and gets no answer.

Shep calls Kathryn. She says she didn’t know about the party until she got Craig’s voicemail. Shep says Landon didn’t send out formal invites, but Kathryn says that’s not true since Thomas got one and the rest of them were cc’d. Shep is pretty pissed because he told Landon he wanted Kathryn to be invited and apologizes to Kathryn. She says she knows it wasn’t his fault and tells him happy birthday.

Shep tells the others Kathryn never got an invite. Landon says Kathryn can make up whatever she wants, and we all know she’s lying through her teeth. She says Kathryn is lucky she was invited and if she doesn’t come who cares. Shep says he cares. Um…this was supposed to be his birthday party. Landon is even more selfish than Thomas is. For whatever reason, Landon says she’s angry and skates away.

Next time, Craig gives Naomie a ring, Landon makes an idiot of herself careerwise, and JD tells Craig he’s not in the position to lead the bourbon division.

The Real Housewives of Dallas

Yay! Another idiot! I am so disappointed with Leeanne. I had such high hopes.

Brandi has a couple of dogs and a bunny that’s amazingly cute. Brandi says her mother just dropped them all off one day and Bryan wants nothing to do with them. Just go to work, Bryan. Brandi says Stephanie has invited her and the kids on a trip to visit her folks in Oklahoma. Bryan whines that the bunny scratched him. Geez. Just get back to work, Bryan.

Leeanne goes to Heidi’s house. She says Heidi is someone you want to be friends with, which is enough to make me cross her off my list. She says Heidi is queen of the charity world. They’re doing an event for Paws Cause which is obviously an animal charity. Okay, Heidi does have a huge gorgeous dog, so maybe I’d be friends.

Leeanne asks Heidi to be honorary chair for a gig for women with AIDS. She says she just wants Heidi to sell tables and she’ll do the rest. Heidi agrees and they have more (more) champagne. Leeanne says the women don’t want a hand out, but a hand up.

Stephanie goes to Brandi’s house to pick up Brandi and the kids. Stephanie says it’s been a rough week and we flash back to Leeanne’s idiocy. They pack the kids into the car. Stephanie says this is not like a car commercial where the happy family goes on a trip. The kids are crying already and Brandi can’t get one of the dogs to come back inside. Stephanie says the car should come with a lifetime supply of Xanax. I think knowing Leeanne should come with that too.

Commercial break. Tour Group is coming back May 10. I thought that was a pretty interesting show. A group of embarrassing people on vacation, but you get to see some cool locations.

And BTW, AOL sucks. Why am I still with this dinosaur? Although I do like the pretty picture when you log on.

After about five minutes, the kids start with the “are we there yet?” stuff. Stephanie says the next time she buys a Mercedes, she’s making sure it comes with a nanny.

The Paws Cause event happens. Leeanne says pets are the reason she got involved with charity. She says she adopted a sick Pomeranian and when she was going to the vet, she met people who were involved with animal charities and she started getting involved. She redeems herself maybe a millimeter here.

Tiffany and Leeanne talk about the altercation with Brandi with Marie. Leeanne says it’s not about her or Brandi, but about behavior. Marie says they’re all invited to her cocktail party and wonders if this is going to be a problem.

Stephanie and Brandi arrive at Stephanie’s childhood home. Her parents seem sweet and Stephanie says she likes bringing the kids there so they can experience the important things in life. She says her family is refreshing rather than judgmental.

They make deviled eggs and of course Brandi has to point out they smell like farts. Some things never change.

The rest of Stephanie’s family arrives. It’s a pretty small town and Brandi has to explain what Uber is. Dinner is served and dad does the blessing. Stephanie grew up in the Pentecostal church, and wasn’t even allowed to dance growing up. She talks about Lola’s Tanning & Liquor, and how she went to the liquor store to tan as a kid.

Brandi says her family couldn’t have been more different. The family was pulled apart by her grandparent’s divorce. She says growing up, her mother made dinner, but she and her brothers ate in front of the TV.

Cary and Mark are done with surgery for the day. He asks her if she wants to go home and have “sexy time.” She’s taking Tiffany to yoga class. Mark asks when she’s taking him, but she says he gets private yoga at home. I go ♫ la-la-la! ♫

Tiffany hasn’t done yoga in a while, and says she’s never seen anything like Cary’s pretzel moves. She’s taking notes for her own sexy time.

Stephanie’s parents bring out all her scrapbook stuff — pictures and awards and yearbooks. She says growing up, she didn’t get everything she wanted, but she feels guilty now that she has more than she thinks she deserves. Brandi says it’s the simple things that bring you together and that are the most important.

Tiffany and Cary go to a juice bar after yoga. Tiffany says she was glad to go to the class, since she hadn’t found a place yet and it’s not like LA. Tiffany brings up Leeanne. She’s known her for years and says at first she couldn’t stand her, and that she puts up a lot of walls. Cary says she’s raised a lot of money, but she’s not a socialite like she claims. Tiffany says all those people love her and Cary says maybe so, but she’s not one of them. I think this might be a huge part of Leeanne’s problem. She’s totally insecure because she’s not one of the people she panders to.

Tiffany brings up Mad Hatter’s and that stupid hat. Tiffany says Cary is friends with Stephanie and Stephanie is friends with Brandi and it puts her in an awkward position. I can barely follow that. Cary says she’d like to be friends with Tiffany. Tiffany can’t wait for Marie’s cocktail party so she can let her hair down.

Brandi calls her grandfather, having been inspired by the family trip. He asks if she got the Easter package and she says yes and thanks him. She thanks him for being there for her mom and he says that’s what families are for. She asks him to come and visit. He says he’d love to.

Leeanne says once a month, they have a girls night out and take turns hosting. This month it’s Marie. Brandi and Stephanie have a kiki. Stephanie says she’s in a good space after seeing her family. Brandi is nervous to see Leeanne, since she’s been trying to get other people to not like Stephanie. That’s the part that really bugs me. If you don’t like someone, fine. If you want to talk about how you don’t like them, fine. But don’t do that you can’t be friends with me if you’re friends with her crap. Brandi says if someone has an issue with her, they should speak to her directly. Yep. Because we’re not in high school anymore. You know it never really goes away, right?

Tiffany tells Brandi she’s a real person and she wants to get to know her individually. She talks about the hat thing and Brandi just wants to get a drink. I understand this. Someone once stood between me and a buffet table when I was starving and wouldn’t stop asking me stupid questions about their camera when I was having trouble with my own camera. Leeanne makes snarky comments in her interview.

Cary talks to Leeanne and I get the feeling she’s rolling her eyes in her head a lot. Marie has invited one guy to girls night, Taylor. Leeanne is making barking noises (I’m not kidding) and he wonders why Marie is friends with her. Taylor chats with Brandi and Stephanie and gossips about Leeanne. He says you have to walk on eggshells around her. Leeanne talks to someone whose name I missed, telling her how much better she is than everyone else and how she knows they’re talking about her.

Taylor sings Brandi’s tune and tells them about Leeanne crapping her pants when she was really wasted. TMI. Brandi wonders if she has a spare turd in her purse.

Cary and Tiffany talk to Brandi and Stephanie outside. Brandi asks about the pants crapping incident and Tiffany asks who told her that. Brandi says that Leeanne is a bitch and should talk to her if she has anything to say. In her interview, Tiffany says the elephant in the room is so big, there’s no oxygen left. She wants them to air their grievances to each other’s faces.

Tiffany calls Leeanne over. She says things need to be said and people need to be heard. Brandi says she’s sorry she has no manners and asks if she should call Leeanne “Miss Leeanne.” Tiffany brings up something Leeanne said about Brandi and Leeanne says it wasn’t meant in a bad way and that she doesn’t have a malicious bone in her body. Brandi tells her she’s full of it and I concur.

Brandi says Leeanne doesn’t know who she is. She brings up what happened when she apologized about doing an impression of her. Leeanne says she appreciates that Brandi hasn’t lived half her life and is so much younger and ignorant . Leeanne throws her champagne glass on the ground and Brandi says she’s really classy. Leeanne acts like a brat, telling Stephanie that if she keeps defending a piece of trash like Brandi, her charity world is going to go down the drain. Brandi is like, I can’t believe what you called me. Leeanne stomps out and Stephanie starts crying. Brandi says Leeanne isn’t going to ruin Stephanie because of her. Stephanie says Leeanne is crazy.

To be continued.

Next time, Tiffany and Leeanne get into it, Brandi’s grandfather comes to visit, and Stephanie gets a two million dollar bracelet. Bite him again, bunny.

What I Watched Today
(rambling, random thoughts & recaps from today’s real time TV watching)

General Hospital

Ned comes to visit Tracy. He says he’s so relieved that the surgery went well, he can’t even be his sarcastic self. Tracy says she told Monica she loved her and Ned wishes he’d gotten it on camera. Tracy says she’s feeling better and been out of commission for too long. She wants her phone to tell a “certain bitch” she’s back.

Hayden tells Nicholas they can’t continue with the tension. He says nothing is going to change on his end. She says unless he signs the documents she’s prepared, she’s going to the police with what she knows. She says Spencer is coming home and unless he signs, the next time his son will see him is behind bars.

Jason tells Sam he gets what Sonny is trying to do in righting a wrong.

Sonny and Anna confer on the plane. Sonny asks Anna if she’s having second thoughts because she seems distracted. She says there’s something she can’t monitor from there and he asks if she’s talking about Paul.

Paul’s mouth is still duct taped and he’s handcuffed to a banister in Anna’s house. He gets the tape off of his mouth.

Sam starts to straighten up. Jason says she’s clearly upset. She wonders if he was talking about Nicholas when he referred to righting a wrong.

Hayden says she needs control of ELQ to protect herself physically and financially. Nicholas says who’s to say she won’t call the police anyway? She says after he signs, she’ll create a statement about the shooting that will refute anything further. Nicholas wonders who she really is and calls her a greedy manipulator. She says it’s time for her to move on.

Laura comes in. She sees the bruises on Nicholas’s face and asks if he’s all right. Hayden says Nicholas was just saying good-by — to a lot of things.

Paul is unsuccessful in getting the handcuffs off of the banister. He looks through Anna’s mail on the table behind him and finds a paperclip.

Sonny says Anna said something cryptic about a loose end. She says it’s unimportant. He says they need to talk about what they’re going to do when they land. Anna is more concerned about what Sonny is going to do when he sees Carrrlos. She says there was a time she didn’t believe she could bring Carrrlos to justice. She says her goal now is to bring him back to testify. She says she told Carrrlos that’s what she wanted, but he’d thrown it in her face that she had no real evidence and he would walk, and she snapped, shooting him four times point blank.

Maxie tells Nathan how wonderful he is and that she’s sorry about what he went through with Claudette. He says it was a long time ago, but she says there must be scars. She tells him to talk to her.

Ned advises against Tracy making a phone call. She says it could actually help in her recovery. She tells him to text Hayden, “R, I am awake eagerly awaiting your visit.” Ned asks why the R?

Laura says she’s clearly interrupted, but Hayden says she’s leaving anyway. She gets the text and says she has to go, but the notary will be there soon and to have the documents ready when she gets back. When she’s gone, Laura asks what happened to Nicholas’s face and Nicholas tells her about Jason. Laura asks if Sam knows he tried to have Hayden killed. He says that’s the least of it and he’s about to lose everything.

Paul is getting frustrated with the paper clip and finally gets the cuffs open. He gets his phone and says he hopes for both his and Anna’s sakes, he’s not too late.

Anna says she thought Carrrlos was dead, but he was wearing a bullet proof vest. She thinks he was already working with Paul. She says she played right into their hands, acting like a vigilante rather than a cop. She says she didn’t trust in the judicial system. Sonny says the law didn’t give her justice and he would have done the same thing. Anna says where does it end, and that she doesn’t believe in a lawless society. She says hopefully, Carrrlos will turn on Julian and if she has to serve time, so be it. Sonny says it’s her word against Carrrlos, but she says she has no intention of lying. Sonny says the only problem is that she didn’t shoot Carrrlos in the head. She says that’s the very reason she didn’t want him looking for Carrrlos on his own. Sonny says they’re almost at their destination and they’ll get justice for Duke.

Maxie says she doesn’t understand how a woman could cheat on anyone as wonderful as Nathan, especially after he did her a huge favor. She tries to get the city Claudette lived in out of him, but he’s wise to what she’s doing.

Sam says Spencer shouldn’t suffer for Nicholas being evil. Jason says that’s why he’s not going to kill him, but he needs something legal. A light bulb comes on over Jason’s head.

Nicholas gets Laura up to speed about Hayden. She asks if he’s made up his mind to sign the documents, and he says he doesn’t see another choice. He says he’d love to go to prison just to make a point, but Spencer needs him. He says that’s only part of it though. Laura says she and Elizabeth would be accessories and asks if Hayden threatened him with that. Nicholas says yes.

Hayden comes to the hospital and introduces herself to Ned. Ned says he remembers her from the Nurses Ball as not being Jason’s wife. Tracy tells him to let them have some privacy. Hayden tells Tracy she really is glad Tracy is better and she had a real scare with the seizure. She’s brought Tracy a gift, a ceramic cat that’s symbolic of great fortune coming her way. Tracy says she takes it that they’ve had success with ELQ and Hayden tells her that they have.

When Sonny and Anna land, the border guards check Sonny’s passport and all is fine. However, Anna can’t get off the plane. There’s a warrant out for her arrest.

Maxie pleads ignorance, but Nathan says she’s not even being subtle with trying to get information. She says she’s just trying to fill in the blanks. Nathan asks if she thinks an old bad decision has any bearing on them now. She says of course not and he says back off then. She says if he doesn’t want to talk about it, she won’t bring Claudette up again — ever. Ha! Not to him anyway.

Anna says it must be a clerical error. The guard says she’s been flagged for assault in Port Charles. Sonny says something in Spanish and the guard says he hopes that wasn’t a bribe. Sonny says his Spanish is rusty and he was just asking for directions. Anna tells him he can’t leave her and he tells her crime doesn’t pay. Ha-ha! Sony the comedian.

Nicholas tells Laura he loves her and she says he’s a wonderful son. She says when she was sick, he stepped up to be her guardian, and he’s done a lot for his siblings. She says he’ll get past this.

Tracy tells Hayden to tell her everything. Hayden says despite all the obstacles, she’s prevailing. She tells Tracy that she got Diane to draw up papers and ELQ will shortly be out of Cassadine hands. Tracy says she’ll get Hayden’s payment and Hayden can sign the stock over to her and ELQ will be back where it belongs. Hayden says she’s keeping ELQ for herself.

Sonny meets a guy who he’s been working with and shows him Carrrlos’s picture. The guy says no one has seem him. On the plane, Anna argues with the guard. The guard gets a phone call for her. It’s Paul.

Hayden says Tracy changed the rules. Tracy says she’ll tell the world who Hayden really is and Hayden says go ahead. Tracy calls Ned in. Before Tracy can say anything, Hayden tells him that her real name is Rachel Berlin. She tells Tracy she no longer has anything to hide.

Laura says she wishes she could help Nicholas. He says he’d prefer her not being there when he signs the papers because signing them is defeat enough without an audience. He tells her to go pursue the key that Helena left her. Like we all don’t think he’s up to something. Laura cannot possibly be this clueless after all these years. She leaves and Nicholas looks through the papers.

Jason tells someone on the phone he’ll let them know when he’s ready to move. He tells Sam, let’s go and they leave.

Sonny says he thinks the neighborhood where they are is the best bet for surveillance and the guy should call him if he hears anything.

Maxie says she wishes she could stay in Nathan’s arms forever. He says him too, but he has to go to work. He says they should appreciate how lucky they are and not create problems where they don’t exist. He gets out of bed, and Maxie sneaks onto the laptop and searches for Claudette West.

Ned wonders why Tracy would be involved with Rachel. Hayden says should she explain or will Tracy? Ned gets a call and has to jet. Hayden tells Tracy she’ll take good care of the shares. Tracy says she’s going to tell Hayden’s enemies where she is and she’s not going to get away with it. Hayden says she already has.

Sam and Jason show up at Nicholas’s palace. Nicholas says he doesn’t have the patience for this today. Sam asks if he had a bad night. Jason says he’s going to make Nicholas an offer he can’t refuse.

Anna asks how Paul found her He says he has his ways. He says she can play down and dirty when she wants to, and she says not dirty enough. He says he didn’t think he’d be able to expedite things, but he found the right judge in Ecuador. She says he was in such a rush, he forgot about Sonny. She immediately amends that and says he deliberately held her back and let Sonny go because he’s hoping that Sonny will kill Carrrlos

Sonny goes to a chapel. The padre’s back is to him and Sonny says something in Spanish. When the priest turns around, it’s Carrrlos with a gun. He tells Sonny to get ready to die.

Tomorrow, Nicholas says he’ll never forgive Sam, Anna says someone is going to get hurt, and Carrrlos says he’s going to put a bullet in Sonny’s head.

Southern Charm

Cameran says she’s a modern Southern woman. She enjoys working and freedom it brings. Her new husband, Jason, is looking to start a family, but she’s not ready. So instead, she’s having her first dinner party.

Kathryn talks to Jennifer about Craig’s party. Kathryn doesn’t know if people don’t like her because they don’t like her, or is it just because of Thomas? She says people are still judging her as a gold-digger when she’s living with her parents. Kathryn says her goal is to settle down in her own place with the kids.

Thomas is taking care of baby Kensie. Someone needs to tell him that kid’s too young to be eating Pepperidge Farm Goldfish unattended. Thomas says that in the state of South Carolina, an unwed mother has full parental rights, but the father also doesn’t have to give her any money without a court order in place. Apparently, he’s being pretty cheap.

Shep visits Landon. She’s off the boat and renting a house now. She says she walked away with nothing from her marriage. She says she never had to think about money and now has to struggle and plan for a financial future. Welcome to the world. She doesn’t want to get a “mundane job” and is thinking of starting a magazine. Good luck with that. It takes two years just to make a profit. If you last that long.

Craig video chats with his mom, Marti. He’s submitting his application to the bar soon. He’s also gearing up for a new job. Doing what? Does he know how to do anything?

Cameran visits Patricia. Patricia introduces her to Anna, her new intern, and her new pet hedgehog. Cameran can’t figure out how she got into Patricia’s social circle, but it happened. She tells Patricia she was thinking about doing a crockpot dinner for her party, but Patricia thinks she should consult with a caterer and she’ll lend Michael to help with the cocktails. Cameran wants everyone to think she did all the cooking, but Patricia says no one will think that anyway.

Craig is going into a partnership with his friend JD, who has a hospitality group. He’s putting a 15K investment into the business, but will be working in it as well. JD says he has great potential and helped him out when he was in need, so he’s returning the favor.

Shep meets Craig at the bar. Shep has invited a few ladies to join them. Landon is there and says whenever she introduces a girlfriend to Shep, they end up hooking up and it becomes awkward for her, since he’s like a Golden retriever, chasing every new tennis ball that goes by. She talks to Craig about Shep when he’s only a couple of feet away. Since Shep invited one too many girls, he awkwardly sits in between them, wondering why they’re annoyed.

Suzanne, from the Charleston Academy of Domestic Pursuits (I’m not making that up), comes to Cameran’s place. Cameran is going to learn how to cook a dinner. She says she grew up eating Happy Meals and was never a society person. She knows one day she’ll have to host things and doesn’t want to come off like an idiot. She figures even if she can’t give Jason a child right now, she can at least give him a decent dinner.

Whitney and Patricia are meeting Thomas at a French restaurant for dinner. Whitney says he misses the old Thomas and has had enough of Thomas’s chicanery, which he pronounces in a weird, wrong way. They order dinner and Thomas acts like a total ass trying to speak French. Whitney calls it “Pepe le Pew French.” The food looks good, but I’m sure it’s over-priced.

Thomas talks about not being able to see Kensie as much as he wants to. Patricia thinks it’s despicable that Kathryn is using the baby as a pawn. Thomas asks about Patricia’s situation, and she tells him about how Whitney’s father shared custody along with her. She says they got along for Whitney’s sake, and he turned out to be “absolute perfection.” I choke. Whitney says Thomas has dug his own grave.

Kathryn is looking at houses. She’s hoping to move next weekend. Jennifer asks if she’s going to Patricia’s “Flamingo party,” but she says she wasn’t invited. Kathryn wants to know what she did to be treated so poorly. I’m guessing just existing and reacting to things like a normal human being.

Suzanne gets to Cameran’s prior to the party.She asks for a saucepan and Cameran brings out still wrapped wedding gifts. She explains that the clerk at the registry registered wedding gifts for her, since she didn’t have a clue what she’d need. Suzanne asks for a carving knife and Cameran pulls out more gifts.

Kathryn calls Craig and tells him she thinks she found a house. She wants to drop by and Landon tells him they have to get to Cameran’s party in a hour, and Kathryn isn’t invited.

At least Cameran knows how to dress herself and looks gorgeous. She thinks she overcooked the roast, but I disagree. Patricia arrives with martini-making machine Michael. He’s brought what looks like an old-fashioned doctor bag with the martini fixings in it. Michael explains how to carve something. He actually went to butler school and has been with Patricia since the year one.

Kathryn arrives at Craig’s. She tells Craig and Landon about the house she found. She asks what they’re up to and Landon says Cameron is cooking. Craig, ever the soul of tact, says it’s a dinner party and asks if she was invited. Idiot. Isn’t that obvious? Kathryn wishes people would disassociate her from her past. Craig says it’s wrong for everyone to give Thomas a pass when it takes two to tango.

Patricia and Michael help Cameran set up for the party. Craig, Naomie and Landon arrive, with Danni (who?) right behind. Shep and Whitney are next and after them a friend of Cameron’s named Chelsea. Dinner is served.

It’s buffet style, which I didn’t think was allowed in Charleston. Craig says a lot of girls in Charleston put on airs and play by some arbitrary set of rules, but not Cameran. The roast looks very good and Patricia says it’s delicious. Cameran asks Naomie what kind of ring she wants. Craig deflects it to when Whitney might even have a relationship. They talk about how long is a good amount of time to know each other before marrying. Patricia says there’s no mystery and romance anymore. You can send someone an email with a wine emoji, have sex and call it a day. She says it’s the end of Western civilization. She might be right there.

Craig asks why Thomas and Kathryn weren’t invited. Cameran says it’s awkward and she didn’t want any drama. Craig thinks they should reach out to Kathryn, but Patricia thinks Kathryn has no manners. I wouldn’t either around this crowd; my manners would totally go out the window. She then invites everyone to her Flamingo party. Craig thinks they should give Kathryn a chance. Patricia says it’s not their responsibility and Cameran thinks they shouldn’t waste any energy on her.

Next time, Shep wants to work with Cameran, Landon flounders, and Thomas whines to Patricia.

The Real Housewives of Dallas

Dammit! Now I have to learn a whole bunch of new names.

We start off at Brandi’s house. She was once a Cowboys cheerleader. She and husband Bryan are getting one of their daughters ready for school. She and Bryan met in eighth grade and are still together. Bryan is gone most of the time for business, which explains why they’re still together.

Next LeeAnne is out shopping with Tiffany. She points out that her hair isn’t high and she’s not wearing cowboy boots. Stereotypes refuted! LeeAnne is looking for outfits to wear at upcoming charity events, since you can’t be caught wearing the same thing twice. She does a lot of volunteering and hosting. Tiffany’s nickname is the “mouth from the south.” That sounds like a radio personality or Morton Downey, Jr. She’ll do fine on this show. LeeAnne grew up on the carnival circuit, so that’s an interesting plus.

Cary is a registered nurse and her husband is one of the most sought after plastic surgeons in Dallas. Very convenient. She’s also a breast cancer survivor. Mark is her third husband.

Brandi visits Stephanie. Their husbands are best friends and so are they. She calls wine “Jesus juice.” Please. Stephanie tries opening a wine bottle and hits herself in the head with the corkscrew. She basically does chores for an allowance from her husband. I’m not sure if there’s an entire brain between these two. They’re trying to set up the remote control for the garage door and Stephanie decides to just call someone to do it. It sounds to me like these two get drunk and stupid a lot.

Stephanie says she was raised in a church like the girl in Footloose. She says after she met her husband, Travis, they spent six months drunk and making out, and then got married. Golf is a big thing for them. Travis was raised in a wealthy family and Stephanie thinks sometimes his expectations are skewed because he thinks a wife should be more like Betty Draper. (Cold, drunk and smoking?) She adds that she can fart on command.

Cary is having a jewelry trunk show to support a charity for women who can’t afford reconstructive breast surgery. She says her husband Mark loves to cook and shop, and he’s a great wife for her. LeeAnne says the more events you chair, the more welcome you are in society, and the more powerful you are in society. Yawn. Simon and Alex McCord were so much more fun as social climbers.

Cary has everyone gather in the living room and a speech is made about the charity. She thanks the woman who provided the jewelry and says that they’re giving a whole 10% of the profits to the charity. Some of the girls hang out in the kitchen and pick at the food. Stephanie and Brandi discuss farting and LeeAnne leaves the room. Apparently not to fart. She thinks you should take it seriously or go home.

So far I’m waffling between bored and annoyed.

Tiffany and her husband, Aaron, go out for coffee. She misses Los Angeles. Aaron says he wanted to bring her home. She was a model and it sounds like a little too into the drug scene. Apparently the lifestyle became too much for her and she needed to get grounded. She asks if Aaron thinks they made the right decision and he says absolutely. She wants to buy him a Texas guitar. He’s a musician and needs some gigs for exposure, and she wants to make that happen. He plays some guitar and sings and it’s nothing special, although Tiffany gets all emo.

LeeAnne lives with her boyfriend Rich, who’s a cop. She says he’s soooo good-looking. Kind of. He looks like a more rugged Anderson Cooper. He’s promised to marry her one of these days.She says in every city there’s various categories of rich people, but she doesn’t fall into any of them. She’s impressed with herself though, since billionaires know her name. What the what is she wearing around her neck? It looks like a change purse hanging from some chains. No. Just no. I don’t care how much money you have. It’s no.

Brandi and Stephanie are back to drinking. Brandi does a mean LeeAnne impression that Stephanie wants her to display at tonight’s event. Brandi doesn’t think that would be the best idea though. She thinks LeeAnne uses the charities to publicize herself. She says she’s also had to introduce herself a million times to her. Yeah, I’ve known people like that. Despite her carnival past, LeeAnne is looking less and less attractive.

More drinking for Stephanie and Brandi out by the pool, where they talk about poop. What is wrong with these two?

LeeAnne’s friend, Marie, is hosting a charity dinner. Cary says a lot of the charity groups intermingle and do each other favors. Stephanie and Brandi show up and LeeAnne gets a look on her face like she’s back in her carnival days. She summons Marie. Brandi says LeeAnne always makes herself the center of attention when she shouldn’t be.

Yep, and Brandi is right on with her impression. While the charity guy is speaking, LeeAnne thinks he asked if he can get a witness and keeps shouting out stuff. LeeAnne claims she wants to see Brandi’s impression. She and Tiffany insist Brandi do her act, but Brandi says she’s not going to help LeeAnne be the center of attention.

I’m just going to get this out of the way. LeeAnne is a mean girl a-hole. I can just imagine what she was like in high school. That is, if she finished high school. In her individual interview she goes on about rules, while she stares holes in Brandi at the event.

Brandi sits down with LeeAnne. She says she doesn’t know LeeAnne well, and she only mimics people out of a sense of fun. LeeAnne says she’s very sweet and she understands that it’s just Brandi’s sense of humor. Brandi talks about how LeeAnne horns in on everybody’s stories at events. LeeAnne says she’s been through everything and that’s why she does so much charity work. Brandi suggests she’s insecure and says there’s a time and a place to tell her story. She says she feels sorry for LeeAnne and LeeAnne fake thanks her.

Stephanie joins them. Brandi brings up how when they were hearing stories about people with HIV, LeeAnne inappropriately brought herself into it. LeeAnne says she feels attacked. Okay. I don’t even know what to say about this. Except maybe that she belongs with the Potomac crowd. What I get from Brandi is that she might be immature, but I don’t think there’s a mean bone in her body. Not so much LeeAnne. Had I met her when I was younger, she would have walked all over me. Today, I wouldn’t give someone like her the time of day.

LeeAnne says she thinks Brandi is sweet, but hasn’t been on the scene very long. Brandi says her family is her priority. LeeAnne says she doesn’t have kids and goes on about why she does charity events. Brandi continues to tell her she needs help.

This season, there are lots of parties lots of gossip and lots of stupidity. LeeAnne wants to get married, Brandi’s brother tries to commit suicide, Brandi tells LeeAnne she’s full of it, Tiffany screams at LeeAnne, and LeeAnne punches the camera. Should be good.