Tag Archives: Vanderpump Rules

Feb23

February 22, 2016 — GH’s Julian Gets Married & PUMP’s James Gets Fired

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What I Watched Today
(rambling, random thoughts & recaps from today’s real time TV watching)

General Hospital

Hayden and Nicholas are basking in the afterglow. Hayden doesn’t want to get out of bed, but Nicholas says they have to get ready for the wedding.

Maxie wonders why Nathan is still working, and he says there is a lot of crime afoot and felons don’t look at social calendars.

Julian orders more champagne. How drunk are these people planning on getting before the wedding? He goes to open the bottle and cuts his hand.

Josslyn and Carly are having a bite to eat. Carly dances around Sonny’s employment, but Josslyn says she knows he’s a crime lord.

Sonny is alone in the church asking forgiveness for all the lies he’s telling his family. I guess killing people is okay though. Alexis and her bridesmaid daughters arrive at the church and find Sonny there. Alexis asks him what he’s doing there and he says to attend the wedding, but he’s wearing a tux, so isn’t that obvious?

Anna says they need to put out an APB on Sonny.

We revisit the scene with Paul, Dixon and the briefcase. Paul wants to inspect the goods before he hands the money over.

Nathan is changing at the station. He’s puts on his holster. Maxie asks if he thinks something bad is going to happen and he asks if she’s noticed who the groom is. She talks him out of taking it while I yell, “No!” at the TV. Maxie finds a woman’s white glove in the pocket of his tux and asks what’s up with that.

Hayden and Nicholas got busy again, so now they’re really running late. Hayden says it’s her first time out as a princess. This makes me feel a little sad, since I’m doubting she’s going to be one for long. While she’s dressing, Nicholas texts Sam and asks if there’s any news about Baxter.

Kristina (whose name I’ve been spelling wrong since I started this blog) is all happy about Sonny. She says the best wedding present she could give her mother was a truce between Sonny and Julian. The girls go to get ready and Alexis asks Sonny why he’s doing this.

Lucas comes to the rescue, getting supplies to bandage Julian’s hand. Julian says it’s a good thing he cut himself because it shows Olivia’s vision was noting major. Olivia wants to leave Leo with the sitter. She says something about it being past his bedtime, but I think she believes something bad is still going to happen.

Michael comes in and Anna tells him she has to talk to Sonny regarding a criminal investigation. He asks if his father is the subject of the investigation. Anna says no, but she doesn’t want the Corinthos people screwing it up. Too late. Morgan is on the loose.

Paul wonders why things are taking so long and Dixon says it’s the biggest shipment they’ve ever had. Dixon asks where he’s going to send the goods. Paul says he has the Jerome organization at his disposal and will easily be able to move them. The winch on the boat gets stuck and they’re going to have to bring the crates in by hand.

Paul calls Anna. He says that as soon as the money changes hands, that’s the signal for the agents to move in. Morgan is watching from a distance, but Dixon also sees Paul on the phone and asks who he was talking to.

Maxie asks why the glove is in Nathan’s tux jacket. He says it’s been a long time since he wore the tux. Maxie says it was the Nurses Ball, but he says Maxie had brought the wrong tux. He reminds her that he grew up privileged and has more than one.

Josslyn tells Carly that she thinks Sonny’s job is cool. She’s hoping he could come to her school for career day. Ha-ha-ha! He’d certainly be more interesting than the weatherman I saw at mine. Carly says it’s not cool and he’d only go if it’s for his coffee business. Josslyn’s friend, Kylie, calls about a sleepover and Carly tells her not to talk about their conversation to her friends.

Carly sees Kiki and asks if she’s seen Morgan. She says she knows what happened and that Morgan is still dealing with issues. She asks if Kiki can still be his friend. Ava pops in and says Kiki doesn’t need to do anything for Morgan.

Alexis questions Sonny, since he hates Julian. He says he’s doing it for Kristina. Alexis says is was disingenuous for him to let Kristina think she accomplished a truce. He changes the topic a little, saying that he knows something is on Kristina’s mind and he wants to be supportive. He gives his word that he’s not there for trouble. Alexis accepts that.

Michael says Dante has been asking questions about an arms syndicate. He says his father is a coffee importer and we all laugh hysterically. Anna is like, oh come on, and he says that Sonny wants nothing to do with arms smuggling, and that there won’t be any trouble from him. And actually, I’m not sure Sonny might have cared so much if Ava wasn’t involved and he didn’t want custody of Avery.

Paul tells Dixon he was talking to the authorities, giving me apoplexy.

Alexis finds roses, champagne and a card from Julian. She wants a moment alone, but first has a toast with her daughters. She says even though she’s marrying Julian she’ll always love them more and they’ll always be her true life partners. As it should be. Alexis needs to finish writing her vows, so the girls leave.

Olivia tells Sonny he’s the last person she expected to see. She’s wearing a dress with the coolest neckline ever. It’s hard to describe, but it has ridges kind of like the ones around a Reeses Cup.

Franco and Nina arrive. Franco says that churches freak him out, all the saints staring at him. Nina says he needs to get past that to get married in St. Patrick’s Cathedral. He says who said anything about marriage? What?! Don’t disappoint me, Franco.

Julian tells Kristina that he left Alexis a preview of his vows. She’s reading it, getting choked up while we trip down Memory Lane with Julian and Alexis flashbacks. This gives me time to eat some leftover Chinese food while watching. Stop ctying, Alexis, you’ll ruin your makeup.

Julian says he doesn’t remember seeing Sonny on the guest list. Sonny says you do things for your children you don’t do for anyone else. Yeah, like kill people.

Relief. Paul tells Dixon that he was giving misdirection to the cops.

Sam congratulates Hayden on her wedding (shouldn’t that be marriage?). Hayden goes off to do whatever and Nicholas asks if Sam’s found anything out.

Kiki picks up the message from Morgan. Since he told her where he is, why doesn’t she just tell someone? She grabs her coat and rushes out.

Franco says he wants to spend the rest of his life with Nina, but they just started getting it together and it’s moving fast. He says he never considered himself marriage material. She says they’re living together, so why doesn’t he want to get married? He says marriage ruins everything and says it way too loud. Everyone in the church turns to look at him.

Carly gets back to the house. Anna says Michael will fill her in and starts to leave, but Michael finds that Sonny’s gun box is empty.

Kiki texts Morgan to call her immediately. That’s right. Don’t get help. I bang my head against the wall.

Paul tells Dixon he’s made sure no one is going to ruin the deal. They hear Morgan being way too loud for a spy.

Carly says she spoke to the guards and anyone who took the gun must live there. That would be Morgan.

Dixon’s thugs root out Morgan. He’s hidden the gun and comes with them willingly.

Nina says she didn’t realize Franco felt so strongly and she wouldn’t want to ruin his life. He tries to backtrack, but she tells him not to dig himself in deeper.

Sam tells Nicholas she left Baxter a message.

Kristina asks if Hayden is going to change her name and Hayden says she never liked her name much in the first place. I’m not sure which name she’s talking about, her real name or Barnes.

Sam and Sonny talk about Shriners hospital. I hope they get some donations out of this. Lucas and Brad arrive. Lucas says he’s leaning on Brad for moral support Brad says he can do better than that, and shows him his divorce papers.. Lucas asks how he swung it, but Julian interrupts and it’s time to start the wedding.

I probably don’t need to tells you that you really could wear these bridesmaids dresses again. They’re absolutely gorgeous, strapless with a beautiful neckline in a hip violet blush color, simply designed with no giant flowers or bows hanging off of them. Oh wait, that was just Kristina’s dress. The others have different dresses, but no less stunning.

Wow, wow, wow! Alexis has a simple V-neck dress with a mermaid hem, but what I really love are the rhinestone straps and how they extend along the edges of the dress.

Anna asks why Morgan would take Sonny’s gun. Carly says he was recently diagnosed as bi-polar and she doesn’t think he’s taking his meds. Anna asks if he’s been violent, and Carly says no, but he’s been acting erratically and his decision making has been bad.

Sh*tshow on the way.

Morgan starts telling Paul how he shouldn’t be there because it’s Sonny’s territory and he heard them saying Sonny was weak, but they’re wrong. He says they’re making a big mistake and he’s there to protect Sonny’s interests. Paul says that’s highly doubtful and that Sonny probably doesn’t even know what’s going on. Dixon tells the thugs to get rid of Morgan, but Paul says that would be a mistake.

Back at the wedding, Sam reads one of Shakespeare’s sonnets.

Paul says Dixon doesn’t want trouble with Sonny and they should let Morgan go. He says he’s responsible for handling Sonny.

Carly asks Anna not to make it an official issue. Kiki calls Michael. She says Morgan hasn’t answered her texts or calls. Finally, finally, she tells him about Pier 54. The way such a crowd hangs out there all the time, you’d think it was Studio 54. Pretty soon there’s going to be a velvet rope at the entrance.

Dixon says it’s Morgan’s lucky night and to get lost. Morgan says screw you. Dixon pushes him and tells him to go while he has the chance. Morgan pulls out the gun and says nobody move.

Tomorrow, the wedding continues, Morgan threatens to shoot Dixon, and Raj threatens to get rid of Lulu. And I can’t wait to find out what happens at Pier 54.

Vanderpump Rules

Scheana, Ariana and Katie go lingerie shopping, and millions of guys suddenly pay attention to this show. Ariana says she and Scheana are sweeping their issues under the rug, but she’s rolling with it. Katie says she and Schwartz haven’t consummated the engagement yet, so she’s hoping to get that going with some new undies.

Kristen’s friend, Rachel, invites Scheana and Katie to her house in Palm Springs, but Stassi is also invited, putting a damper on things. Katie isn’t too happy about Schwartz inviting Stassi to the engagement party either.

They discuss Jax’s narcissism and how he told Tom he’s the number one guy in the group, proving that he’s really a 12-year-old boy in a 36-year-old man’s body.

James insists he’s the white Kanye West — which might be true if we’re talking about personality defects and an inflated sense of self-importance — and is making a Pump CD. Lisa asks if the song he made with Lala is going to be on it, but James says it’s complicated. He says part of him misses Kristen. Lisa says if there’s something destructive in your life, you have to get rid of it, and that includes Kristen and his drinking. He’s grateful to Lisa, and she says show it by being a grown-up.

Ariana calls Tom and tells him that Jax told Scheana the two of them are upset because no one wanted to talk about Tom’s band. Um…that’s so not what happened.

Tom is getting his tattoo removed and Schwartz says the only thing stopping him from getting rid of his is the scary tattoo removal machine. The removal instrument looks something like a stun gun. Tom says it’s literally a pain in the ass, and like a machine gun rubber band smacking you.

Stassi says all she does is sit on Kristen’s couch and drink, and that squatting is a talent she should have tapped into years ago. She’s looking for advice about approaching Katie. Kristen says Katie needs a little push and she’s hoping to manipulate things. Stassi has those grey hair highlights that I hate.

Jax says he keeps repeating things he swore he wouldn’t do anymore — petty fights, rushing into relationships, and being an a-hole in general. He says Shay must be unhappy too, considering his drinking habits. Jax is at the doctor’s office with Brittany and says boobs put him in a great mood. He plays with the implants in the examining room because he’s matured so much. She picks out a size. I sometimes wonder about Brittany. She’s constantly laughing and it makes me think she’s got something missing upstairs. Well, her just being with Jax makes me think that.

Scheana discusses Shay’s drinking with him. She says when he drinks, he drinks too much, and she doesn’t want to be his mom. He says she’s the only one who seems to notice and she says she’s the only one who counts since they’re married. Shay says it’s coming off like she’s calling him a loser and it’s bringing him down. They talk about having kids and moving back home. Wherever that is..

Jax visits Tom and Ariana. They’re getting rid of their couch and he’s there to help move it. He says the couch has a lot of history. I don’t want to know. They get it to the curb after a lot of struggling.

Ariana tells Jax about what Scheana said regarding his altercation with Tom. Tom says that’s not the way it went, but Jax is insistent that’s how he remembers it. Tom tells him to stop making everyone else look like crap to cover his own inadequacies. Jax seems to think Ariana’s influence is making Tom change. Tom says he’s been a good friend to all his friends and Jax is being ridiculous. Jax, who is not too happy, leaves.

Jax wonders who’s more excited about Brittany’s new boobs, him or her. He says that Brittany moving in with him is like getting pants altered, you can’t go back. He keeps talking about her like she’s not a human and it’s really irritating. The D’s are a success.

Peter asks Lala how she’s doing. She says she’s taken up reading books. I’m thinking Dick and Jane, but she claims to have read The Fountainhead. No doubt with a dictionary close by. She says it’s about architecture and I roll my eyes and rest my case. Peter tells her James got into an altercation with Richardson, the head server at PUMP, and it had something to do with him professing his love for Kristen. Lala says James’s drinking is off the chain.

Lisa comes in. Peter asks if she heard about the James thing and how he was insulting Richardson. Lala adds that’s how he gets when he drinks. Lisa says this isn’t acceptable. She says she doesn’t care if Kristen was the catalyst, James needs to get some control. She says she’s not going to let Richardson be disrespected by a little pipsqueak. Leave it to Lisa to find the perfect description for James.

Brittany is recovering from surgery and Jax has to help her do everything, including going to the bathroom. Katie and Schwartz come over. There’s some boob discussion and Katie asks if Jax is coming to their beach party. The engagement pictures are also going to happen there. Katie has decided to invite Lala, ending the not inviting each other competition.

The beach party begins. Katie has very specific vision for the pictures. She has a scenario from some movie where she’s going to “rescue” Schwartz from drowning. At least it’s not the typical deal.

Tom and Ariana start to talk about Jax to Scheana and Shay, but Jax shows up at that moment. He tells them about James. Scheana says all she knows is that Lisa is meeting with both James and Richardson..

Lisa tells Richardson that James will be remorseful and begging, so be ready. Lisa says James has been texting her non-stop apologies. James comes in and says he’s embarrassed. He says Kristen threw her new boyfriend in his face, they started arguing, Richardson intervened and it escalated. Richardson and Lisa talk in French about James’s drinking. Richardson tells James the ratchet things he said. Lisa says this is a pattern and maybe he isn’t ready for the PUMP job. James claims he had an epiphany. Lisa starts to talk and James unwisely interrupts her begging for just a suspension. She tells him to go away and grow up. He asks about the PUMP CD and she says that’s not important right now. She understands he’s remorseful (and crying like a big baby), but maybe this is a lesson for him. She tells him she wants him back to busing tables at SUR a few days a week. He apologizes to Richardson again and leaves. Richardson says Lisa has given James a lot of chances, and she says more than he deserves.

At the beach, Jax wonders where James is. Lala says she’s confused by the men at SUR who need to be glued to a woman while constantly cheating on her. Ariana brings up Kristen wanting to get into sketch comedy. In her individual interview, Ariana says Kristen is a joke, but she doesn’t make jokes. She also says she takes comedy very seriously which makes me laugh. Ariana doesn’t think Rachel’s jokes are funny, even though she’s never seen her show. She thinks that if Kristen is so interested in sketch comedy, she should take a class. Katie calls Ariana on her attitude. Ariana says she’s been faking having a good time with them. Scheana is annoyed with that. I like Ariana, but I’m kind of annoyed too. She kept harping about this taking a class business, and while that’s always a plus, I don’t think it’s necessary. Either you have a flair for entertainment or you don’t, and the audience seemed to be reacting positively to Kristen’s act.

Here comes James with new addition Laurel. Max is also with him. Peter asks what happened with James. He says he got fired from PUMP and the CD is on hold. He says he doesn’t blame anyone, even Kristen. Speaking of which, guess who’s here?

Jax, who can never wait to gossip, tells Kristen what Ariana said about her being in sketch comedy. Since Kristen can’t keep a lid on it, she tells Rachel immediately, and they confront Ariana. Ariana says sorry, she doesn’t think Rachel’s jokes are original. Kristen says Ariana isn’t a stamd-up comic and they argue. Tom adds his two cents. Kristen says Ariana is negative. Tom says Kristen only got back in the group because she’s been ass-kissing. Kristen says she doesn’t need this and screw you.

Everyone watches the sunset. Jax talks to Peter, saying he hasn’t seen one like that since Hawaii. Then he talks about not knowing what the consequences of his Hawaiin shopliftng adventure will be. He knows that his behavior is stupid, and wonders why he acts the way he does, and if he can change. He says even when it doesn’t concern him, he needs to be the center of attention and he doesn’t feel validated unless he’s being talked about. He ponders the possibility of losing his friends and how he doesn’t have anything else. This is actually a little sad.

Next week, Katie rage texts Schwartz, James tells his mother about being fired and Stassi has a surprise visitor.

Yay! The Vanderpump Rules After Show is back! Brandy and Julie are the best!

Feb16

February 15, 2016 — Half a GH & Stassi Weasles in Further

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What I Watched Today
(rambling, random thoughts & recaps from today’s real time TV watching)

 

I went to the Westminster Dog Show today — not the televised portion, but the breed judging. I missed the first half of GH, but here’s what I picked up from the second half.

General Hospital

Curtis is telling Valerie about his past with cocaine use. He says he went to rehab, and while there have been a few slips, he doesn’t want it in his life anymore. Valerie asks why Jordan hates him.

Jordan tells Andre that if Curtis decides to stay in town, it won’t be a problem. Really?

Jason has cooked a spaghetti dinner for him and Sam, proving once again what a great guy he is. She says she’d like a glass of wine, but Jason says he doesn’t think that’s what Lucas meant by extra fluids and cancels out what I just said.

Elizabeth asks Hayden about her family and Hayden asks why Elizabeth is there. I’m assuming she made up some bs about wanting to put her ring in the safe when Elizabeth caught her messing around there. Throughout the scene, Elizabeth looks like she just smelled something bad and it’s incredibly unattractive. Nicholas explains that because Elizabeth’s house blew up, he invited her to stay at Wyndemere. He tells her she can have her old room or pick new ones. This prompts me to google how many rooms Wyndemere has. I can’t find the information, but I do get lost in reading about the early days of Faison when he pretended to be P.K. Sinclair and get a lot of links for Windermere hotels because I don’t spell it right the first time.

Commercial break. Once Upon a Time starts again on March 6.

The orthopedic specialist wants to speak to Elizabeth about Jake’s treatment. Nicholas says that he knows there’s no love lost between Elizabeth and Hayden, but he asks Hayden to keep the peace. He says that he and Hayden don’t know each other well, but understand one another.

Andre asks how Jordan’s husband was killed and what role Curtis played in their break-up. She says she did things she regretted, but doesn’t want to talk about it. She asks why he’s interested and he says he has his own past and regrets. Jordan says she’s not one of his patients and he doesn’t have to analyze her.

Dante and Lulu are still stuck in the hotel room. Lulu says one of the reasons she didn’t tell him when she ran off with Dillon to help her brother, was because she knew he would tell her not to go. She says their marriage wasn’t in a healthy place before Valerie came along because otherwise Dante wouldn’t have cheated. Um…I don’t know about that one. Dante says he’d give anything to take it back. She says they couldn’t fix what they didn’t know was broken.

Jason asks where he and Sam should go from here. His phone rings and he asks Sam if it’s “her.” Yep. It’s Elizabeth calling about Jake.

Valerie has a test in the morning and needs to cut her date short. Curtis tells Valerie there’s two sides to every story, and that he’d like to get together again to tell her his. The background music is Adele, who I can’t seem to get away from.

Andre says he doesn’t know how to turn it off sometimes. Jordan says she’s ruined their date and they should call it a night. She leaves him pondering the Indiana Jones hat and no doubt stuck him with the check.

Jason gets to the hospital and Elizabeth tells him she thinks the prognosis is worse that the doctors first thought.

Nicholas calls Sam. He says he hopes the animosity between them doesn’t interfere with their business relationship. She wonders what relationship that is, and he tells her she’s the best P.I. there is and he needs her to investigate his wife.

While basking in the afterglow, Maxie tells Nathan not only did he go along with her Dante and Lulu scheme, but he also gave her the most romantic Valentine’s Day ever.

Apparently Dante and Lulu are repairing their relationship by referring to an article from Cosmopolitan magazine. Dante looks at the magazine and wonders what the next step is after working out their differences. I don’t know if it’s really Cosmo, but it reminds me of those compatibility quizzes.

Tomorrow, Jake needs special individual care, Tracy never wants to see Paul again, and Sam can’t wait to see what happens.

Vanderpump Rules

Lala is having a housewarming party, but she says it’s really just an excuse to get drunk. She’s invited Stassi, which has probably limited her guest list. She’s living in Stassi’s old apartment? Does SUR own it? Oh I see. They knew each other because Stassi impressed Lala by liking her outfit and they became friends. That’s about the level of the friendships on this show. Stassi wants her friendship back with Katie and is hoping this will help. Lala makes a point of telling Katie she’s not invited.

Jax is back from suspension at SUR. He’s decided to sit the party out due to his last experience with Lala, which was her screaming at him. Lisa comes in and says it’s been two amazing weeks. Jax tells her blah-blah-blah how he’s learned from his mistakes. Lisa wants Jax to start thinking about other people and asks for help with a Covenant House clothing drive. I think it’s going to take more than that. Like probably a lightening bolt.

Lala just talked about herself in the third person which is seriously creepy. She claims she wears hoop earrings better than anyone else, except perhaps JLo or Beyonce. No, grasshopper, I am the Hoop Queen. Ariana and Tom arrive at Lala’s. Tom totally ignores Stassi and she says it’s awkward. Schaena and Shay arrive next. Stassi and Schaena were not exactly on good terms either. Schaena gives Stassi a bottle of Santa Margherita pinot, which is kind of a jab at her because of something in the past, and everyone has tequila shots. Please don’t tell me they’re all going to get drunk and make up. Or out.

Shay says seeing Stassi is like seeing a bitchy ghost. Tom tells Stassi that her staying with Kristen tells him that her issues with Katie are bs. He says if she can sleep on Kristen’s couch now, she’s a phony and it’s only because she’s desperate that she’s on the apology tour. You might be right there, Tom.

Jax goes out with Katie and Tom. Brittany wants a boob job so she’s working overtime. Katie says that Lala was snotty in telling her that she wasn’t invited to Lala’s party. There’s a real loss…said no one ever.

Especially since this looks like a party in my first apartment. Schaena asks Stassi how she’s doing and she says she’s heard things, like that Stassi is sleeping on Kristen’s couch. Stassi brings up how Schaena promoted Stassi’s ex-boyfriend’s revenge porn. Schaena says Stassi heard wrong and she actually tried to prevent it from being passed around. She says that encouraging something like that it’s so low, it’s not something she could even do to Stassi. Oh, this is good, Stassi tries to blame Schaena for her losing friendships with other people. Schaena is happy just to hear Stassi say she’s wrong about anything.

Tom tells Jax and Katie about his meeting with Stassi. Katie says she had unwavering loyalty to Stassi and Stassi took advantage of it. Tom tells them he invited Stassi to the engagement party. He says he had a weak moment because he was mean to her. Schwartz is more wrong here than any other time in his life. Take heed, never, ever put another woman before your significant other. Katie is pretty annoyed and I don’t blame her. If I was Katie, I’d disinvite Stassi myself, right here, right now. Tom claims Stassi has changed. Katie says Stassi is tainting a good time in her life and she’s very upset. She says she wants Stassi to realize what a good friend she was to her, but since Stassi doesn’t know how to be a friend, she doesn’t think that’s ever going to happen.

Stassi tells Kristen that she’s the most fun person to live with because she’s laid back, relaxed and likes to drink all the time and at any hour. Yep, that’s great criteria for a roommate. So much more important than things like paying bills on time and not being a slob. They’re having Red Bull and vodka at noon, and my stomach turns a little. Stassi tells her about Lala’s party, since Kristen wasn’t invited either. She tells Kristen that she and Schaena came to a place of understanding. Kristen tells Stassi she’s working through the stepping stones to Katie and that she’s going up the totem pole. This is all a little creepy to me. It’s a little single, white female-ish.

Charles McMansion is Tom’s band. He’s making a demo tape that he’s already spent thousands on. Schwartz says doing the sangria promoting is too tough for him and he’s happy with his modeling career right now. Tom says Katie isn’t going to like it and why not do the sangria stuff part time. Tom says months from now, when he’s getting paid to party, Schwartz is going to sorry.

Schaena tells Lisa about talking to Stassi. Lisa says that she still wonders how self-serving Stassi is being. Lisa says because of her unicorns and rainbows attitude, Schaena is too forgiving. Schaena also thinks Katie should talk it out with Stassi. No wonder these people seem to get nowhere in their lives. It’s like they’re constantly stuck in the same groove with each other. Is this another L.A. thing? In NYC, when you’re done with a relationship, you never have to see the person again. Move on, people!

Jax says he’s tired of hearing about Tom’s band and doesn’t think he’s going to get anywhere with it. Because Jax has gotten so far in his illustrious career, he can make remarks like that.

Commercial break. On April 11, Bravo will begin gracing us with The Real Housewives of Dallas.

Jax is at Lisa’s with Tom and Schwartz, helping Ken pick out clothes for donation. Lisa is hoping the clothes don’t end up in their own closets. They see nakey photos of Lisa and get weird. Schwartz says he’s seizing the moment. Well, Lisa is gorgeous.

Schwartz has to talk to Lisa about the sangria thing. She says that Pandora told her he’s not ready to commit to the project. He says that he’s gotten a lot of modeling jobs and felt that should be the priority. Lisa says now that he’s marrying Katie, he has to start following through with a commitment to his future. She let’s him off the hook with some advice that he’ll probably never take.

Jewelry designer, Kyle Chen, is having a party at PUMP celebrating marriage equality. Kristen brings her latest boyfriend, even though she’s not on the guest list. I don’t get this either. Why do both this girl and James consistently show up at places they’re not wanted? Things are over with Alex and they’re just friends. No doubt he wisely ended it when he finally saw the crazy in her eyes. She says Carter is her first right swipe and I gag. Lisa tells DJ James he’s only allowed one drink. He promises to be on his best behavior.This is a sure sign of tragedy to come.

Schaena invites everyone over for an after-party. Katie tells Schwartz that he needs to get serious about future security, referring to his sangria debacle. Schwartz says he’s never not paid a bill on time and she just got her dream engagement ring, so get off his back. Ok, he has a point there. Katie says Schwartz is capable of doing so much more and he doesn’t want to be a 40-year-old out of work actor.

The gang talks about Brittany’s boob job. Jax made a deal with his nose job doctor and he’s paying for the surgery and becomes a mini-dictator about it, saying he wants them how he wants them. He doesn’t want to pay for something he doesn’t want. Ariana suggests he should date a lump of clay so he can mold it the way he wants. Schwartz says Jax has been acting strange lately. How this is different from any other time, I’m not sure.

A big cake with sparklers in it is brought out.

More drinking at Schaena’s place! Katie tells Schaena about her agitation with Schwartz. She says it’s been compounded by him inviting Stassi to their engagement party. Katie says she feels like Stassi is a sniper picking her friends off.

Tom asks Schwartz how he’s doing. Schwartz says he knows he flaked on the sangria thing, but everyone is blowing it out of proportion. Jax says Stassi went to the weakest links first, one of whom is Schwartz. Even Jax gets the impact of Schwartz inviting Stassi to the engagement party over Katie’s wishes. Jax says Stassi clearly knew who to manipulate first. Tom brings his band into this as an example and Jax tells him to stop acting like he’s the number one guy in the group, and that he’s the number one guy. This is so juvenile, I can’t believe a 36-year-old man has said this. Even if it is Jax. Tom tells him there’s people other than him in the world. He tells Tom to let Schwartz fight his own battles.

Takeaway point to consider. Liquor helps everything.

Next week, Brittany’s boob job, Toms un-tattoo-ing, Lisa calls James onto the carpet and Jax wonders if he can change.

The After Show also returns next week at 10:30. I love Julie and Brandy!

Feb9

February 8, 2016 — GH & Stassi’s Apology Tour Part 2

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What I Watched Today
(rambling, random thoughts & recaps from today’s real time TV watching)

General Hospital

Paul has Jordan come in when she’s off duty and all dressed up. She asks if there’s a problem and he says that depends on her.

Anna is back and hanging out at the bar because everyone lives there now. She calls Robert and tells him if he needs back up to let her know. Andre sees her and she fills him in a little, and tells him that she’s under too much scrutiny to be looking for Carrrlos now, so she left it to Robert. Andre suggests they put their heads together and figure out where Carrrlos might go next.

Franco is looking at Jake’s drawings again. Jake tells Elizabeth, “I killed her,” and when Elizabeth asks who he thinks he killed, he says Sam.

Jason hears the smoke alarm going off at Elizabeth’s. He calls out asking if Sam is there and then wisely checks the basement himself. This smoke alarm is so loud, I have to turn down my TV. I really don’t want one of my neighbors calling the fire department.

Wait. They’re faking me out. At first Jason is on the basement stairs and Sam starts to go up the stairs. Now she’s stil lying on the floor and Jason is looking for her upstairs. I can’t take much more of the fantasy Sam and Jason. Let’s just get on with this.

Paul is going over a case with Jordan. Some dude named Crenshaw poisoned his roommate and details have been left out of the statement. I’m thinking he’s creating busy work for her to distract her from whatever is really going on. She says she’ll have it straightened out by the morning. Paul compliments her and says sorry for the rocky start. Before she leaves, he asks if she’s heard from Anna.

Andre says his dinner plans were canceled, so he has time to discuss Carrrlos with Anna. He says he doesn’t consider himself off the case until it’s closed. She says she’s the same way, but she had to leave things with Robert. She says she thinks the case is a diversion so she doesn’t have to think about the rest of her life. She says she was tempted to follow Robin and Patrick to California, but it wouldn’t be fair for her to latch on to their lives. I don’t know if she really feels this way or she’s telling Andre this stuff for some other reason.

Carly tells Sonny that Jake’s long-term prognosis is good. Sonny says he wishes that Jason would lean on them more. Michael calls and asks if he can talk to Sonny and Carly. He’s at the bar (of course), but he wants to stop by later. Sonny says he’s starving, so they’ll meet Michael there. Carly says they have food at home, but Sonny feels like going out. He says if he doesn’t go out eventually, it’s like he’s hiding, and he wants to deal with his life. Carly wonders what happened to change his attitude. He says Epiphany told him to face his reality and knocked some sense into him. Knowing her, he might be speaking literally here.

Elizabeth is like, what? She asks when Jake last saw Sam. He starts talking about games and how he hates Sam and all the bad guys in the videos. Elizabeth asks if he wants to hurt Sam and says she wants to understand. A nurse comes in and wants to check Jake’s vitals. He’s asleep again and Elizabeth asks to be paged when he wakes up. In the hallway, Franco asks Elizabeth how Jake is. They hug.

Jason is yelling for Sam. Is he an idiot? The alarm is coming from downstairs. Finally. He opens the basement door. Jason sees Sam and tries to wake her up.

Anna tells Andre that she thinks she’s concentrating on the case because she can’t let go. Andre says he has that problem too, but Carrrlos is a murderer and she has every right to want to catch him. She wonders why Paul is getting involved.

Paul tells Jordan he’s concerned about Anna. Jordan says she hasn’t spoken to her since before she left. Dillon shows up and wants to speak to Paul. He says he’s glad to see Dillon and Dillon says, “Don’t be.” Ouch.

Franco and Elizabeth sit down to talk. She tells him about Jake’s prognosis and that it’s good, but she’s worried about his emotional issues. A little late to this party, doncha think, Elizabeth? She thinks he’s mixing fantasy and reality. Franco says it’s probably just the drugs they have him on. He asks what’s worrying her and she tells him that Jake says he killed Sam.

Jason gets Sam out of the basement just as the heating oil tank is about to catch fire.

Some people who see Sonny coming into the bar start talking about him. Carly says they should mind their own business, but Sonny shrugs it off. They meet up with Michael who tells them he’s going to Puerto Rico to look for Sabrrrina.

Anna tells Andre that Paul helped Carrrlos escape from her and Robert, and she wants to know why. At first she thought he just wanted to close the case, and that’s why he covered up Carrrlos’s death, but now she thinks he has a larger agenda. Andre thinks maybe Paul wants her incapacitaed so that he can do whatever he wants or maybe he just wants her. Jordan arrives.

Elizabeth says Jake is confusing the bad guys in his video games with Sam. Franco says that’s because he wants Elizabeth back together with his father. Elizabeth asks why Jake would focus on Sam and Franco says that’s because Elizabeth is angry with Sam. Elizabeth says she was clueless as to what Jake was picking up from her, because she’s the stupidest human being in the world.

Jason gets Sam out of the house just as the tank blows up and they both go flying. Sam comes to, astonished that they’re both alive.

Dillon returns some cuff-links he’d borrowed from Paul. Paul tells him to keep them, but Dillon says no thanks. Paul says he knows Tracy is mad at him, but he and Dillon are connected by more than cuff-links. Dillon brings up the investment money Paul gave him and says he’s paying him back because he wants to owe Paul nothing. Paul says flawed as he is, he’s still Dillon’s father and walking away isn’t going to change it. Dillon asks Paul why he really came back to Port Charles.

Jordan asks Andre to wait a minute while she talks to Anna. She tells Anna that Paul is suspicious and she needs to be careful.

Michael says the only way he’ll believe Sabrrrina is moving on is to find her himself. Carly says they were there for each other when they were both hurting, but it doesn’t seem a like a good foundation for a relationship. She says Sabrrrina figured it out and that’s why she left. Sonny agrees.

Franco tells Elizabeth she’s not a bad mother. Liar. She’s a terrible mother who constantly puts her needs before those of her children. He says she has a firm grasp of reality (ha-ha-ha!) and loves Jake. She says because Franco mentioned Sam when he tried to talk to her about the drawings, she put him off, and if she’d listened, none of this would have happened. She says she didn’t realize her feelings were affecting Jake. For the love of all that’s holy, this woman is a nurse and none of her children are infants. Do you really mean to tell me this is beyond her grasp? Franco says she can beat herself up or help Jake. He tells her to stop hating herself. She gets a call from her neighbor and she’s like, OMG.

Sam tells Jason she knew he’d find her. He picks her up and carries her off to their love nest. Well, he picks her up and carries her off anyway.

Michael says Sonny told him not to walk away. Sonny says that was before the postcard Sabrrrina sent. Sonny says she’s made her choice and Michael has to honor that.

Jordan says Paul did a passable job at acting concerned about a case, but then started asking her questions about Anna. Jordan says she acted clueless and told him as far as she knows, Anna is having fun in California. She thinks he’d still be grilling her if they hadn’t been interrupted and she wants Anna to know she’s still on Paul’s radar.

Paul tells Dillon he came to Port Charles to make amends and that Tracy misunderstood his intentions with their relationship. Dillon says Paul led Tracy on, but Paul says that’s her version. He says he knows he screwed up, but he loves his kids and misses Susan and PJ (who?). He wants quality time with Dillon and asks for another chance, but Dillon says sorry. Scuzzy as he is, I actually like Paul and feel badly about this.

Elizabeth hangs up and tells Franco her house exploded. She says her neighbor doesn’t know what happened, but the police and fire department were able to contain it to her house. She says maybe someone tried to break in and Franco says by blowing up the house? That would be a tad extreme. Franco offers to go back to her house for her, but she says no.

Jason comes running in with Sam in his arms. He tells the OR doctor what happened and that he’s her husband, so he wants to go in with her. Elizabeth asks what’s going on. Jason says he doesn’t know, but thinks Sam had been in the basement for 24-hours. Elizabeth tells Franco that Jake must have pushed Sam down the stairs.

Jason goes in to see Sam. She takes her oxygen mask off and tells him about being in the basement and turning on the heater. She says he kept her safe and he always does. Kiss already, dammit!

Michael says they’re right, he can’t force Sabrrrina to be with him. He’s going to cancel his flight and accept what’s happened. Carly says one day he’ll be an amazing husband and father, albeit boring. Okay, I added that last one.

Jordan has an early day, so she wants to call it a night. She says she’s sorry, but Andre says he understands and wants a rain check unless she’s not interested. She says that’s not the case, and wants to try going out again.

Anna shows up at Paul’s office saying she knows it’s late, but she doesn’t want to be alone.

Franco offers again to go in Elizabeth’s place, but she says she needs to go herself. Sam tells Jason she didn’t give up because of him, that she was dreaming about him. Jason says he told her, “run to me.” How did he know that? Oooh, they’re holding hands and Elizabeth comes in behind Jason. Nyah-nyah.

Tomorrow, Anna tells Paul she lied, Julian asks Ava how much trouble she’s in and Jason and Sam kiss in front of Elizabeth. They really didn’t show that last part, but I’m just trying to will it to happen.

Vanderpump Rules

Stassi is talking with Kristina and says that Kristen is the easiest roommate ever. She’s never home and she cleans. She says it’s like living with a drunk maid. When asked about her confab with Lisa, Stassi says the high road sucks. Kristina says Lisa is still kind of mad. Stassi says there are worse people in the world than her and all she did was tell a few people to f-off. Nobody said you rivaled a third world dictator, Stassi, but you weren’t exactly charming to people who were only nice to you. Kristina suggests that Stassi reach out to Lisa’s loved ones, but Stassi says she’s afraid of everybody.

Katie is having a launch party for her blog Pucker & Pout. She says you can’t get backers if no one knows you exist. Believe me, I understand. My eBay store is probably about 40 million down the search engine list and Facebook is the only advertising I can afford. Scheana is helping Katie with the launch and the engagement party.

Schwartz, Scheana and Katie discuss Stassi’s reappearance and come to the conclusion that they’re better off without her.

Max is getting some dental work done. Lisa is with him, which I understand, but so is James. Why? James says he drunk texted Kristen in the wee hours. He says he’s had a few one-night stands, but nothing has been like it was in a loving relationship. Is that what he calls what they had?

Lala tells Scheana she’s pissed off at James. She says her ex, who she still cares about, came into town and James sent a nasty text message while she was hooking up with him. James also shows Max the text. Lisa says she actually washed Max’s mouth out with soap once when he was little and she wants to do the same to James and Lala. I’ll bet Andy Cohen did too, after they cursed their way through the entire Watch What Happens Live show they were on.

Scheana says James is the loudest person she’s ever met, and one of the most emotional and annoying as well. James says Lala has bad judgement in choosing her friends, but apparently he just wants to badmouth Jax. He says Jax never has to take responsibility for anything and Lisa tells him to grow up. He tries to tell Lisa she should fire Jax (i.e. telling her how to run her business). Lisa says he only has a job because his mother asked her to hire him as a busboy. She allowed him to be a DJ at PUMP and he acts like he’s the sole draw of the restaurant. Lisa tells him she got along without him before he came along and she can get along without him now. He probably should just shut the blip up before he goes back to being a busboy full time.

Commercial break. Remind me never to get the Daily Dish app if there’s going to be things like a naked Jax trying to dance in a provocative manner. No thanks.

Katie tells James about her launch party, and then tells him she’s sorry, but he can’t come. He acts like this is rude of her, but she just wants to tell him herself before he hears it elsewhere. Lala says something to Katie about not being invited, and Katie says she wants to keep the stress level low. In her individual interview, Lala talks about being invited to some party when she was in elementary school. When she got there, they dis-invited her and she had to go sit on the curb to wait for her mom. Where were the parents? Katie tells her there’s only so many invites and it’s mostly industry people.

Jax is waiting to hear from his lawyer. He doesn’t know if the shoplifting case is going to end up with a slap on the wrist or jail time. While he’s suspended from SUR, he’ll be mooching off of Britney. Britney says her mother wasn’t thrilled about his drunken escapade and that neither one of her parents drink. Jax says Britney comes from a strict background, “extremely Southern, Catholic or Christian or whatever it is.” I guess he’s really been paying attention. Do they know she works at a place called Hooters?

Kristen is out with Alex. She claims he’s an all around great guy who has his act together. What is he doing out with her then? We flash back to Kevin, who was a real d-bag, which is more her type. Kristen has known Alex about a year and tells him she’s changed since they met. They kiss and he talks about getting a room. Wait a second. This is Alex from Below Deck! What the…? I remember hearing they were dating. He didn’t seem stupid or crazy on the other show. I don’t understand this.

Lisa interrupts the girls who are chatting. Katie invites Lisa to the launch party and talks about having the engagement party at SUR. Lisa says she’ll give her an employee discount. Lisa tells Katie about Stassi coming by. Katie says she’s moved on and isn’t interested in Stassi’s pity party. She says she’ll feel like she’s going backward if she lets Stassi back in her life again.

Lala confronts James about the text message. She says he drunk texts her a lot and that he’s obviously harboring some resentment. She says they laid down the ground rules for their relationship, which is really none, and now he’s tripping. She says what “goes down” in his bedroom is none of her business and vice versa. Why do these people always try to sound like rappers? James says she hits him up when she’s lonely and insecure, and doesn’t have anyone else to hang out with. That’s probably true. She says that’s a stupid thing to say, and he says — wait for it — “you’re a stupid thing to say.” I know. You’re as speechless as I am, right?

Katie and company are setting up for the launch. Schwartz says he’s proud of Katie. In talking about blogging, Schwartz uses the word “incredulous,” and the viewing audience collectively looks it up.

Stassi tells Kristen she’s found a couple of apartments and she’s starting to feel like a squatter. Kristen reads a text she got from James at 4 am asking how she can’t still love him with a kissy face emoji. I gag. She’s bringing Alex to the launch party. Stassi says it’s like the engagement all over again. She says she helped Katie in the beginning and is missing out on another milestone. She says Katie won’t respond to her. Kristen asks if she’s approached Schwartz, but Stassi doesn’t want to seem like she’s going behind Katie’s back.

James asks Max if he thinks James was rude to Lisa. I say yes, even if Max says Lisa understands he’s going through some stress. James tells her about the conversation he had with Lala. He says he’s still in love with Kristen though, and wants to talk to her. I laugh when he says she’s blocked him on social media. Oh, horrors! James suggests they crash the launch party and Max says he owes him one.

Katie wants her launch party to be a beauty experience. She’s having it at a salon — I think Frederic Fekkai — and everybody is getting things done. Some dude interviews Katie, most likely for the internet. Ken is ready to go before he and Lisa get in the door. Why didn’t they bring my Giggy? Schwartz says when Lisa walks into a room it gets hot fast. I shake my head over Schwartz’s social anxiety. Lisa says she’s proud of Katie branching out. She’s such a mom at heart.

Ugh! Uninvited James comes in with Max. Katie tells Schwartz she didn’t invite him. Scheana says it’s one thing to crash a house party, but another to crash a launch party, which is essentially a business event. She approaches James, who says he’s there to talk to Kristen.

He interrupts Kristen and Alex. He says he needs five minutes and he’ll wait outside for her. Kristen thinks he wants a reaction from her because he wants to be adored, whatever that means. She goes outside and asks him what he wants. He asks why she’s being standoffish. Kristen says he needs to stop texting her and she’s happy with her life now. He says that’s what people say when they’re really unhappy. Huh??? He wants to hug it out and chill. She says he didn’t treat her right and she’s done with him. He gets really nasty and ends with telling her to have a happy life with her ugly boyfriend, like the mature man he just claimed to be.

Katie thanks everyone for coming. She says the night was a success, despite the “hiccup” with James showing up. Schwartz gets a text from Stassi, saying she can’t get through to Katie. He says the only reason she could possibly have for coming around is a selfish one.
Lisa says Katie has been emancipated from Stassi. Schwartz tells Katie and Lisa about the text. He says he’s leery about it. Lisa says she hopes he takes a stand and has Katie’s back.

Schwartz tells Katie he wants to investigate if Stassi is sincere. Katie says that’s his business, but don’t involve her.

Stassi says it’s come to this, she’s sleeping on her arch enemy’s couch. She says she’s ready to suck up her pride in ways she never thought she would, but I find this highly doubtful. She goes to meet Schwartz. In his individual interview, Schwartz says there were some good times, but his last impression of Stassi is how badly she hurt Katie.

Stassi thanks Schwartz for meeting her and says she’s been drinking all day because she’s nervous. Schwartz says she was a real bitch, but could also be endearing. As time went on, the endearing part faded, and left a smug, bitchy shadow of her former self. He says she doesn’t understand how much she hurt Katie. He says Katie left the door open for a long time, but now Stassi needs humility and perspective, and her ego is over-inflated. Stassi asks if she killed his dog or something, and he tells her if she gets defensive, he’s leaving. Good for Schwartz! He’s usually a pushover and I’m glad to see him standing up for Katie.

Stassi starts crying. She asks why everyone else gets forgiven. Please don’t try to turn this around. Schwartz asks what she wants. He says he didn’t understand how she could just throw the friendship away and she agrees that she didn’t value it. Schwartz asks if he can get a witness to Stassi humbling herself. Then he becomes the idiot he normally is and invites her to the engagement party.

Next week, Schwartz has to tell Katie about the invite and Jax says he’s the number one guy in the house. Puh-leeze.

Feb2

February 1, 2016 — Jake Disappears & Stassi Returns

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What I Watched Today
(rambling, random thoughts & recaps from today’s TV watching)

General Hospital

Christina asks Parker why she’s there and Parker says she knows what Christina is doing and it has to stop. Christina acts clueless and Parker barges into the house.

Olivia is trying to deal with the mayor’s cancellation of events at the hotel. Julian tells her he persuaded the mayor to drop the charges, so maybe he can help with that. Nina comes by and puts in her 2¢ about breastfeeding in public, which really wasn’t what they were talking about.

Franco tells Jason and Elizabeth that Jake needs some serious help.

Sam falls down the stairs again, just like she did on Friday. Jake comes out of the shadows and asks Sam if she’s okay. Obviously, he isn’t connecting her closed eyes and limp body to being not okay.

Julian tells Nina that he and Olivia are having a private conversation. Nina says he made it public when he published Olivia’s picture in the paper. Julian says he’s smoothing things over with the mayor. Nina uses a Footloose analogy, ending with Port Charles isn’t holding out for a hero, they have Olivia. Nina says she’s going to use her resources to get the message out to the world.

Dante tells Lulu she should have given him a heads up. She says he wouldn’t have agreed to meet if she had. She asks him for an hour to try and save their marriage, and he says okay.

Elizabeth tells Franco she’ll call him later and he says Jake is a great kid. Well, that’s a matter of opinion. I happen to think he’s a tad creepy. When Franco leaves, Jason and Elizabeth discuss Jake. Jason says they’ll get him the best help available.

The babysitter comes downstairs. How long does it take to remove Silly String and didn’t she hear Sam fall? She sees the basement door open and asks Jake why he’s in the basement.

Parker is apparently the professor who turned in Christina. She says Christina shouldn’t have said she’d call Parker’s wife. She adds something about Christina posting bad professor reviews. Do they have those on Yelp? Christina is obviously nervous that Parker is there and Parker says she’s already been suspended, so what is she worried about? Maybe she’s worried about Alexis who is coming downstairs.

Jake’s therapist joins Jason and Elizabeth. Jason shows her the drawing of Sam and gives her the backstory. Elizabeth tells her about the “break-ins.” and Jason says he thinks it’s Jake. The therapist says that’s very likely. She says they’ll deal with it in their next session. Elizabeth asks, why not now, and the therapist says disrupting his routine isn’t a good idea, that he needs to feel safe and secure.

Parker introduces herself to Alexis. Christina says she took one of Parker’s classes and they became friends. Alexis asks if Christina needs a ride to the train station. Christina makes it up as she goes along and says Parker is giving her a ride, which is good since she’s taking independent study with her. Alexis asks what the subject is and Parker tells her sex and power, but Christina adds in Shakespeare’s plays. Alexis tells Christina to text her when she gets back and tells Parker to take care of her daughter. Parker says she intends to.

Julian says motherhood isn’t exactly Nina’s forte. Nina says she’s a woman, so it is. Julian mentions that Nina can’t have children and Olivia jumps to her defense. Nina says that doesn’t mean she can’t understand a woman’s pain. Julian says he doesn’t want to see her disappointed if change doesn’t happen. Nina blows him off and says they could win the trial before it happens. Olivia says the picture in the paper didn’t help and Nina says that’s because the audience wasn’t wide enough and she needs a national publication.

Lulu and Dante crack a couple of beers. Dante says he hasn’t seen that dress on Lulu in a while. She says it’s special to her, and he says to him too, and remembers she was wearing it when she told him she was pregnant. She tells him she got the beer special because that’s what he bought her the night they first met. They go down Memory Lane about that and their first kiss. They talk about how they fell in love. Dante says he remembers when he realized she was “the one,” and Lulu asks if she’s still the one.

Nina wants Olivia to pose nude for the magazine. She says it will be tasteful. She wants her to be breastfeeding Leo for the “real woman” issue. Olivia gets annoyed because she thinks Nina is just using her to sell magazines, although I’m sure Nina could find someone else if she wanted to.

Parker says Alexis didn’t seem upset. Christina says that’s because she’s cool that way, but Parker realizes Christina never told her parents about the suspension. Parker says that people will go to great lengths to keep a secret that threatens their identity. Christina says that Parker has, and Parker says it’s true, she has a great life that she doesn’t want to lose. “But you’re here,” Christina tells her.

Lulu says she can’t pretend nothing has changed, but it’s not like everything changed. She says Dante is still kind brave generous & funny. Dante says she beautiful stubborn and smart. He says she takes his breath away. Lulu says they’re still the same people in their hearts and if they can shut out the world from distractions, they can find out what’s sitll there. Dante says they’re still in love and they kiss.

Jason and Elizabeth see the broken window. They ask the babysitter where Jake is, and she says he’s gone. Elizabeth starts to freak. Jason asks how long Jake has been gone. The sitter says she went upstairs to clean up and when she came back down, she saw the broken window and found a note. The note says I’m sorry. I have to go. It would have been good of him to add that Sam is in the basement.

Nina tells Olivia they might have slightly different motivations, but want the same end result. Olivia says she doesn’t want to be exploited. Nina says Crimson is more than a magazine, it’s a vehicle for change. Julian, who should really be keeping out of this conversation, says Olivia has too much respect for herself to do something so undignified. Nina says motherhood is chic and they’re just taking it to the next level. She says they want to show a beautiful story between mother and son. Julian suggests that Leo will be embarrassed later when the picture is all over the internet (doubtful). Olivia says to sign her up.

Parker says she agreed not to talk to Christina’s parents and Christina agreed not to tell Parker’s wife about what happened. She says Christina needs to take down the professor reviews, but Christina still says she didn’t post them. Parker says it’s obvious she’s the child of an attorney because all she does is deny. She says her wife also caught wind of this. Christina says first Parker accused her of trying to seduce her, and now she’s accusing her of the reviews. Parker says Christina was the one who propositioned her, but Christina says that’s what Parker wanted.

Lulu and Dante get busy like the old days. Lulu stops mid-grope though. She says it’s been a while and she needs to take a minute. She says she was sure if she got them back to where they were before, they could work things out. Dante says him too, but it’s not working. Lulu agrees. Funny. It looked like it was working.

Parker claims she wanted her gifted student to reach full potential. Christina says yeah, with scotch at her apartment when her wife was working. Parker tells her to remove her comments or she’s going to the dean and next is expulsion.

Nina says she has to go over things with Dillon and Maxie. All Olivia needs to do is make sure Leo is hungry before the shoot. Nina leaves and Olivia tells Julian that he started all this. Julian says again that Leo might feel embarrassed later, but Olivia says breastfeeding isn’t an embarrassment . Alexis joins them and thinks the photo shoot is a great idea. Julian tries to get her to side with him, but it’s not happening.

Nina tells Franco about the upcoming magazine issue, but he’s not paying attention. She asks him why he’s not excited. He says one of his patients is distracting him, but he can’t talk about it. Nina says if he changes his mind, he can tell her anything. He says it’s bothering him because the patient is just a kid and he’s worried the kid might be in real trouble.

Sam starts to regain consciousness. Jason questions the babysitter who says the last time she saw Jake was an hour ago. Jason decides to go out looking.

Lulu says tonight wasn’t supposed to go like this. I’m not really sure what went wrong. She says she thought all she needed to do was remind them of how they loved wach other but their bed reminds her of how they came apart. Oh, that’s what went wrong. That was probably a bad idea to do this at the loft. Lulu says it’s not their bed anymore. Dante says she was right, that they lost a lot and hurt each other badly, but it will stay with them for a while. Lulu wonders if it will ever go away. She says she still loves him and he says he still loves her too. He says maybe it’s not enough. I say, maybe you could have offered to get rid of that bed and get a new one. This guy is so lazy when it comes to relationships, he’s worse than a real man.

Christina tells Parker not to push her. Parker says she’s the one pushing. Christina says if her parents find out, they won’t be happy, especially her father, making a veiled threat. Parker says it would be a shame to waste her future on youthful folly and not to squander her potential. Christina says Parker saw a lot of potential in her for a lot of things. Parker says Christina needs to figure out who she wants to be, but her parents might figure it out first. Is she talking about Christina being gay or something else? And why didn’t she just call?

Olivia goes to get some celebration drinks. Julian asks Alexis why she’s being supportive of the photo shoot. Alexis tells him to get out of his comfort zone and get with the program. She adds that breastfeeding moms don’t exactly sell clothes (not necessarily; it depends on the clothes) and he might get his wish for the magazine to fail. Ha! This issue will probably do better than the green issue.

Nina tells Franco about the new issue and says she wants Olivia on the cover. Franco asks if Olivia knows and Nina says there are still details to discuss. Yeah, like Olivia being on the cover. She says she thinks a mother breastfeeding is the most beautiful thing ever and it gives her hope. When Franco asks hope about what, she says having her own child.

Dante and Lulu sit with the divorce papers in front of them. Lulu signs first. I don’t like Dante, but this is depressing. Lulu tells Dante to be happy because she can’t think of him any other way. She tells him good-bye and leaves. Don’t sign them, Dante! Lulu cries in the hallway. Dammit! He signed them. I hate him more than ever now.

Jason can’t find Jake and says they should call 911. A car pulls up and Elizabeth and Jason go out on the porch. It’s Jake. Sam’s sparkly shadowed eyes open and she (barely) calls for help.

Tomorrow, Anna and Robert are in a mess and Sam is unconscious again.

Vanderpump Rules

Stassi is back. DUN-DUN-DUNNN!

Jax and Brittany have just gotten back from Hawaii and even he’s appalled at his own behavior. He can’t even explain why he stole the sunglasses and says the worst thing is seeing Brittany’s disappointed face, as well as the reactions of the rest of his friends.

Ariana brings Jax’s suitcase to his apartment. He says he feels like he ruined their last day, but Ariana says they had fun despite his best efforts.

Everyone at SUR is talking about Jax’s arrest. James is thrilled, especially since Lala thinks Jax is extremely lame for stealing something as insignificant as sunglasses.
Tom says the best case scenario is a lifetime of probation, but Jax isn’t good at being good. Ariana says Jax had better be nice to her forever.

Ariana and Scheana visit Kristen, who immediately wants the skinny on Jax. Scheana says it’s one thing to borrow a bottle of vodka from SUR, but another to steal a pair of designer sunglasses. What’s wrong with this picture? I guess it’s okay to steal from Lisa. Kristen says she woke up to a text saying Jax had been arrested. Kristen moves on to Jax’s friend Kevin who she’s been seeing. He’s been hanging out at her place and he sent her a mushy text saying he loves her. She’s weirded out by that and has to tell him to slow his roll. Scheana tells Kristen about having to apologize about the texts between her and Ariana’s mother. Kristen somehow turns this around to Tom being controlling. Scheana says Ariana used to be the fun chick and Kristen was the bitter, grudge holder, but now it’s reversed.

Kristen says she’s met with Stassi, but Scheana doesn’t want anything to do with her. Isn’t this the pot calling the kettle black? It’s okay for Scheana, but not for Ariana.
Brittany got a job at Hooters. She has a career now! Jax says Brittany is being a tremendously good sport about his idiocy. He has to meet with Lisa later, which won’t be good. Jax gets a call from the Hawaii police department. He tells them his lawyers are taking care of it, whatever “it” is. The guys discuss Kevin.

Kevin seems to have taken up residence on Kristen’s couch. Stassi knocks at the door. They have some wine which Stassi says is fitting after a break up. In her individual interview, she says that she’s dated a million a-holes and finally found a good guy and can’t make it work, so maybe she’s the a-hole. You think? She says she lost herself in the realationship. Then Stassi talks about how Jax was always a thief and even stole the clutch she has with her. She justifies keeping it in her individual interview by saying she didn’t steal it.

The guys are still talking about Kevin and how Kristen knew he had a girlfriend. Schwartz wonders if Jax and Kristen are soulmates.

Kevin goes to get take-out. Stassi says she liked him until he became a stage five clinger. Ha-ha! She talks about how her life is up in the air. Kristen says she’ll get Kevin’s key back and Stassi can have it. We flash back to their tumultuous relationship over the seasons. Kristen says they can sleep in her bed and Kevin can have the couch. Yikes!

Jax meets with Lisa. He says she usually finds his screw-ups humorous. I think this is a huge part of Jax’s problem. He’s gotten out of things his entire life by being cute and funny. The older he gets, the older that gets, and it’s not working anymore. Besides that, the muttonchop sideburns he’s wearing are not a good look. It’s like Dark Shadows from the 70s.

Lisa is livid. She tells Jax she’s not even offering him a drink. He starts off by saying he was drunk. She says he’s either a drunk, a thief or a liar. I say all three. She asks how many times he has stolen from people. He acts clueless and Lisa says he’s always taking what doesn’t belong to him. Lisa asks how she can trust him now. He says he’s not a bad person, and she says if it walks like a duck. She says he’ll have to make her understand why she should keep him on. He says it’s more than just a job, it’s his home, which is actually kind of sad. She says she’s suspending him for a couple of weeks. She tells him to go and think carefully about his future. In his interview, he seems pretty embarrassed to be 36 and making this kind of a mistake.

Ariana and Tom are painting his apartment, now their apartment. Tom says it’s Scheana and Shay’s first anniversary, but he wants to keep his distance. Ariana says she does too. She and Scheana haven’t exactly been on the same page lately.

Jax is out with Brittany and Kristen is tagging along. He tells them he was suspended for two weeks which is better than being fired. Jax tells Kristen that Kevin has a girlfriend. Kristen is surprised and he says he thought she knew. In his interview, Jax says she did know, but just didn’t want Stassi to think she was still a homewrecker. What? Kevin is there at the table. They were talking about him like he wasn’t there. Maybe he was in the bathroom or just got there. Jax asks him if he has a girlfriend. He mumbles a bunch of crap that boils down to yes, and I wonder how he’s been able to hang around with Kristen so much. Kristen tells him to piss off. He apologizes and Jax says he’ll walk him out. I love how Jax pretends to have integrity sometimes.

Kristen can’t understand, since she’s 5’9″ and beautiful (her words), why she can’t find an awesome guy and an awesome job. How much time does she have?

Stassi says she’s cursed about apartments since Jax ruined her credit. She says every time she thinks she hit rock bottom, there’s still further to go, and now she’s staying with someone who slept with her boyfried…twice. An old boyfriend (not Jax) was also trying to blackmail her with a sex tape. He wanted $900 (how did he come up with that figure? it’s not even a thousand), and Lisa ended up paying it. Since Stassi is on her apology tour, she knows she has to talk to Lisa.

Jax comes by Schwartz and Katie’s place. He never says thank you for bailing him out, but he does pay Schwartz back. He asks them if they’ve had sex since they got engaged, and Schwartz says this is getting to be a thing now. Katie says Stassi texted her again, but she’s ignoring it, since Stassi so unceremoniously blew her off.

Scheana and Shay are out for their anniversary. Schaena thinks it’s fine for Shay to drink as long as she controls it. She says he needs to find a happy medium between being shayfaced and a bore. He says it’s frustrating with her controlling his drinking, but because she’s hot, it’s an okay trade-off.

James and Lala are doing a modeling shoot. He says he’s going to take every opportunity to grab her ass and he does. These two are such lowlifes, it boggles my mind. Lala makes it clear that she doesn’t want to sleep with James and he says that’s cool, but doesn’t mean it and is going to keep trying.

Stassi goes to SUR early when Lisa is there before they open. She’s wearing green because it’s an “apologetic” color. Okay. She didn’t tell Lisa she was coming so Lisa couldn’t think up things to say beforehand. Lisa says she’s heard Stassi had said a lot of nasty things about her, SUR and the staff. Stassi starts to apologize and Lisa lists things she’s done for Stasst and says she really had Stassi’s back. In her individual interview, Stassi makes light of it, saying Lisa gave her a waitress job, how grateful does she need to be? Well, there is that tape. She keeps apologizing though. Lisa brings up the sex tape guy who apparently worked at SUR.

Stassi tries to give Lisa the money back, but Lisa says don’t be insulting. Stassi says Lisa hates her and gets up to leave. Lisa says she’s not important enough to hate and to sit back down. Lisa asks her what she wants. Stassi starts bawling. In her interview, Stassi says she wasn’t going to cry, but Lisa is making her feel badly about every decision she’s ever made. Stassi says she just wanted to apologize to the people she really cared about. Lisa says Stassi gave up a lot of great friends and that she’s been really stupid. Stassi says she’ll just have to prove herself to everyone.

Next week, Katie is having a launch party for her beauty blog and an uninvited James shows up.

Jan26

January 25, 2016 — GH & Waikiki Pump

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What I Watched Today

(random, rambling thoughts on today’s TV)

 

General Hospital

Jordan sees Curtis you-know-where. That’s right, he’s eating at the MetroCourt.

Tracy is one the phone with Ned. I don’t know where she is, but it looks pretty good to me. She says she’s luxuriating and I believe it. She smells some weed (!) and gets off the phone. She doesn’t call it weed, but that’s what it is. The dude smoking is Larry Ashton in the next room.

Hayden says getting married is a huge step and she’s not sure she’s ready. Nicholas says she asked first, albeit to protect the company, and he’s not sure what’s changed.

Alexis is going over the lawsuit against the mayor. Julian asks why she’s going through with it, since Olivia is off the hook, and Alexis says she doesn’t want anyone else going through the same thing. She if he’ll address public breastfeeding in the magazine. He says sure, and somehow jumps from that to the conclusion that they should get married asap.

TJ is dropping Molly off at her mom’s and Christina interrupts their good-by kiss.

We see the last scene from Friday where Jason remembers Sam with him on a rooftop in the rain. She tells him it’s a real memory.

Commercial break. It’s that British woman asking if we’ll “go commando.” Please. I don’t want to think about those people sans underwear, k? Thanx.

Jordan asks Curtis if he’s following her and he asks how that’s possible since he was there first. She says she can’t enjoy her meal if they’re in the same room. She says she’d be happy to remove him from Port Charles altogether, but doesn’t have enough evidence…yet. He says what if he was following her?

Sam tells Jason that the colored lights he remembers were Chinese lanterns that she had set up for a romantic evening. She thought it was ruined by the rain, but that wasn’t the case.

Larry suggests he and Tracy catch up. He asks if she’s there on a second honeymoon with Luke. She says hardly; she’s there to get away from the trials and tribulations of Port Charles. She says he was part of them because he was in cahoots with Jerry Jax to take over ELQ.

Christina says that Molly might seem romantic on the porch, but Tj is never going to get any. TJ says it’s none of her business anyway and leaves. Christina tells Molly it was payback for telling their parents her business.

Alexis would like a church wedding. Julian asks who would marry them if he’s the groom? Alexis says she’ll figure it out.

Hayden says that Nicholas didn’t want to get married before, so she’s hesitant. He says he knows it would protect his shares, but he wants to for other reasons. He loves her and so does Spencer. He says they have something real between them even though they don’t know each other that well. He says he’s fascinated by the way she thinks and can’t wait to see what she does next, so he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. He says he’s offering more than a business proposal; he’s offering a marriage of equals. He talks about the island and I’m ready to marry him. She says she can’t, but then says she will. Laura walks in while they’re hugging.

Jordan asks Curtis what he’s after. She says he told her his job is finished, so why is he still there? TJ comes by, does a double-take and says, “Hi, Uncle Curtis.”

Larry says he’s seen the error of his ways and he’s a changed man. Tracy says he’s probably trying to swindle rich widows. He says he’s there to clear his head and try to figure out why he keeps doing the same wrong things over and over. He says he’s found a new life there. He says a return to nature heals both mind and body.

Laura asks if congratulations are in order and Nicholas tells her they’re getting married. Hayden goes to get some champagne to celebrate. Laura asks Nicholas what he thinks he’s doing.

Alexis says she wants all the wedding bells and whistles because this is going to be the last time. Julian says they’ll grow old and grey together. She says old maybe, but not grey. Ha-ha! Yeah, I don’t even know what my natural color is anymore. She says a bunch of romantic stuff, and that she wants everyone to see he’s a changed man. He says if it means that much to her, he’s in.

Sam takes Jason to the rooftop of the penthouse. He asks why they were having dinner up there. She says he was struggling with a difficult situation and she wanted to do something nice for him. She says it was pretty much a disaster, but he says it wasn’t. He says without the rain, he wouldn’t have had the memory and wouldn’t be with her up there now.

TJ asks if Jordan wanted to have their dinner there so they could all have dinner together. Jordan starts to talk but Curtis interrupts.

Apparently, Larry has shared his stash with Tracy and they’re having a rollicking good time. This is pretty funny. He asks what’s wrong with just having a fun time with someone, that it doesn’t have to be that deep, and she says maybe that’s what she’s been doing wrong.

Laura asks why Nicholas wants to marry a woman who’s been dishonest with him. She asks how he’s going to forget what he did to Hayden.

Christina and Molly argue and Alexis comes out to see what’s going on. She says they need to come in and help plan the wedding.

Jason says maybe he’ll remember more if Sam hangs out with him. She says he needs to find someone else to help because she can’t be the one who goes through this with him. What? She says she can’t be objective because it’s her life too.  She says it brings up a lot of emotions for her and it might lead to expectations on her part. He says maybe she’s right.

TJ talks about school. Curtis asks if he has a girlfriend and TJ says yes. He says she’s a year behind him at PCU, and they started dating in high school. Curtis tells TJ he’s sorry he wasn’t there when TJ’s father died.

Alexis tells the girls she wants them to be part of the ceremony and be maids of honor along with Sam. Julian seconds that and the girls agree. Alexis asks Christina if she’ll be able to get out of classes.

Hayden calls Tracy and tells her about Nicholas proposing. Tracy finds this probably more amusing than she normally would and tells Hayden good work. She says Hayden doesn’t have to stay married to him long, that she’ll get ELQ and Hayden will get her freedom. She rejoins Larry and tells him she got good news.

Laura asks Nicholas id he’s sure it’s not his guilt talking. He says no, that’s not the reason he proposed and that he loves Hayden. Laura says an engagement doesn’t have to be short and he needs to think about what he’s doing. Hayden comes back and asks what they were talking about.

Larry asks where he and Tracy were before they were interrupted. Tracy comes back to reality, saying she took this trip to get away from con artists and that she’s regained her equilibrium and wants to get as far away from him as possible. Oh well.

Laura says she has to go, but the two of them should enjoy a celebration. She tells Nicholas to think about what they discussed and leaves. Hayden tells Nicholas they should set a date for the wedding.

Molly makes a smart remark about Christina being able to come and go as she pleases. She says she, on the other hand, has to go back to the dorm and study. Christina makes a snide comment about how she won’t be having sex at the dorm.

Sam says there’s a difference between making peace with who you are and chasing a life you don’t remember. She says his old life is her old life too, and this has to be about him. He says he’s been avoiding his past and it’s time for him to face it. Sam tells him to trust himself.

TJ says he understands why Curtis couldn’t be there when his father died, because he was helping people. TJ excuses himself and Curtis tells Jordan she raised a fine young man. She says she can’t control what Curtis does, but if he hurts TJ, he’ll have to answer to her.

Larry tells Tracy to relax and breathe the tropic air. She tells him to get lost, that she’s got her priorities straight and the only thing that’s going to help her is to get back what’s hers.

Hayden suggests she and Nicholas get married right away.

Jordan tells Curtis to let TJ believe his lies and tells him to promise he won’t break TJ’s heart by telling him the truth.

Christina takes a call outside, and Julian asks Alexis to explain sister drama to him. She says this was minor so she considers it a win. Julian says they should go upstairs and give their bed a blessing. Is that what we’re calling it now?

Christina is on the phone, obviously with a man, and says if he doesn’t say anything to her parents, she won’t say anything to his wife. The professor perhaps? Or maybe it’s Gilligan.

Jason says he’s recovering not just the memory but the feeling and emotion. He says he doesn’t want to stop until he’s finished now. Sam suggests hypnosis.

Tomorrow, Dante talks divorce and Lulu asks if Johnny wants her to help him break out of prison.

Vanderpump Rules

Jax tells Britney that if he wanted to have sex with Lala, he would have. Britney tells him to always be honest with her and he says he will…as he fiddles with his phone.

Drinking time! A couple of the guys are drinking from a beer bong. No good can come of this.

Lala has taken to her bed because she’s an a-hole who thought Jax would out himself. James, Max and Faith go to her room. She says she’s hit her breaking point. Um…she put herself there.  Everyone warned her about this jerk too, so what is the deal? James starts taking off his pants and gets into bed with her.  She tells him to beat it and everyone except Faith leaves.

Scheana asks to talk to Adriana. She apologizes for any inappropriate conversation, since she’s decided to make nice and apologize whether she means it or not. Sensing this, Ariana says it’s a backhanded apology. Scheana says that she believes Tom’s attitude has rubbed off on Ariana. Ariana tries to explain that their feelings were hurt. Scheana says that’s why she’s apologizing. Giving up at making her point, Ariana says okay and leaves. I honestly don’t get what Scheana’s problem is. Tom and Ariana seem like the most normal ones of the bunch.

Shay is getting shayfaced and Scheana isn’t too happy. She wants to talk to him about Ariana, so she’s not pissed that he’s drunk, just pissed that she can’t gossip.

Schwartz is disturbed that he and Katie haven’t had “fiancé sex” yet. Tom says that Scheana has put herself in the same realm as Kristen, trying to interfere with him and Ariana’s relationship. First thing in the morning, Scheana bugs Shay about the drinking. She says the first day was supposed to be about moderation. Didn’t happen. She moves quickly on to the latest on Ariana because it’s all about her.

Lisa calls Max who just woke up. It’s 10 am and Lisa is shocked he’s sleeping all day on vacation. She asks if he’s behaving and if he’s taking his medication. She tells him he can’t drink with it and don’t kiss anybody because he can’t get an infection either. Good morning, mum!

Everyone gathers for a surfing lesson. Jax wears his sunglasses. Don’t do it, bro! I lost a decent pair in a wave once. Lala is barely wearing a bathing suit and the other girls aren’t thrilled. Scheana asks her why she was upset the evening before. She says the way everyone was talking to her was not okay. Scheana says she was once that girl, the new girl at SUR, the one who everyone thought was a slut, and she brings up her dalliance with Eddie Cibrian. She says she’s now redeemed herself. Lala acts all hurt because she says she’s been “genuine” with everyone. She’s the kind of woman who disrespects other women and calls it honesty. She’ll work her way up to The Real Housewives of the OC in no time.

Back in Kristen’s Hollywood apartment, Stassi visits. We flash back to when Kristen slept with Jax (then with Stassi) and it wasn’t pretty. Looks like they’ve made up. They talk about Kristen’s break up with James and Stassi suggests she play the field. Stassi says she and her boyfriend went from zero to old married couple. She’s on a mission to rectify things with the friends she blew off.

Some dude was showing a sex tape she made to everybody, and she’s annoyed that Scheana helped pass it along and thought it was funny. She says if Scheana can take ownership of her inappropriateness (good luck with that), maybe they can be friends.

Ken and Lisa are hanging out at the infinity pool, which has one of those cool pink flamingo floats in it. She’s worried about Max. She wants to call him again, but Ken tells her – Giggy! – it might not be a good idea. She gets on the float and says it’s bliss. It looks like bliss and I wonder if they’d like to adopt and older child.

Schwartz is afraid of sharks eating him, but goes snorkeling with anyway. Jax gets a text from Kristen who says Stassi has come out of the woodwork. Katie says she wants to stay as far away from Stassi as possible.

Jax is trying to iron some outlandishly red pants. Jax tells Britney he saw her hanging out with Lala. She says they’ll never be best friends, but she’ll deal with Lala being around.

Drinking time! The group goes to whatever bar is convenient. The waiter suggests a spiked watermelon bowl that makes me want to throw up just thinking about it. It even looks disgusting. The talk turns to sex. Tom asks how James is doing in that area. In her individual interview, Lala says they attempted it once, but he was too drunk and on top of it, blamed her. No surprise since he’s a total d-bag. Whoa. Lala is wearing hoop earrings bigger than any I’ve ever owned, even all of them put together. James and Lala exchange some words about the unpleasant event and make it even more unpleasant. Not to put my shawl on, but I don’t remember everything being so unhappy when I was their age. And I never got a free trip to Waikiki.

The gang has decided to “get crazy” tonight. How this is different from any other night, I’m not sure. Tom takes Scheana aside. She tells him that he and Ariana have a better than everybody attitude. Tom says Scheana backstabbed them. Scheana says she’s apologizing. Tom says it’s a false apology and she sort of agrees. He asks her where she got her opinion that he’s manipulative at. He says funny too, that Shay says she’s manipulative. She says Shay is the king of not expressing himself and Tom says she intimidates Shay. In her individual interview, she says Tom should mind his own business and in his, Tom says he realizes that it’s getting nowhere so he’ll just try to be surface friends. Tom accepts her apology and they go back to the drinking.

Jax makes a toast to him and Tom’s birthday.  (I meant that to be singular; it’s their birthday on the same day.)

Drinking in Hollywood! Stassi and Kristen meet at a bar. Did I mention they were drinking when Stassi visited? She brought two bottles of wine. Kristen tells her about Tom’s fight with Scheana. Kristen claims she’s over not being invited to Hawaii, but I don’t believe her for a second.

Kristen is calling new guy Kevin an Uber and Stassi chastises her for paying for boys. We’re on the same page there. It’s probably the only page we’ll ever be on together. Stassi says she was going to wait until after they were “a little drunky,” (are we five?) but she thinks Kevin has a serious live-in girlfriend. She stalked him on social media.

Kevin shows up, so too late to elaborate about that. Either that was a fast Uber or he was across the street. More drinks! Stassi brings up the girlfriend right away. Good for her. He says she’s an ex and he doesn’t live with her. He says it’s been on and off. He says he’d rather be on with Kristen, then contradicts himself by saying they shouldn’t rush things. Kristen says as long as they’re not on right now it’s cool. In her individual interview, Stassi says today’s appetizer is her tongue because she’s biting it.

Drinking in Hawaii! The gang is at a club to let loose, which is pretty much all they’re been doing on this trip. Britney makes it clear to Lala that she’s here to stay, it’s over for her with Jax and they should just be chill. In her interview, Lala says one day Britney will wake up. Meanwhile, Jax is telling everyone how in love he is with Britney. We’ll see. They party on.

Everyone wakes up with hangovers. My advice: have another drink. It’s nearly time to leave and Schwartz is still bummed about not having sex. Britney’s phone rings. Jax got arrested. It’s a felony and they’re supposed to keep him 48 hours. He stole a pair of sunglasses. Scheana wonders how much of an idiot he has to be. I wonder why she’s wondering since it’s Jax. Britney wonders what she’s going to do.

Scheana is like, this is a real trial by Jax fire for Britney. They call Jax’s mom to let her know what’s going on. They need eleven grand to bail him out and it starts to sound like a Brady Bunch adventure. Somehow Schwartz gets the bail money, they get him out and they’re on their way to the airport. Jax meets them there.

He tells Britney he got really drunk, walked into the store, said “I’m taking these,” and walked out with the sunglasses. He’s pretty embarrassed and cries in his individual interview, saying this isn’t who he is. I’m not going to make a joke, since it’s not even remotely funny.

Next week, Jax has repercussions and Stassi hits rock bottom. Maybe.

Jan19

January 18, 2016 — GH, SUR in Hawaii & Some Chefs

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What I Watched Today

(random, rambling thoughts on today’s TV)

 

General Hospital

Sonny, Alexis and Christina are having lunch at the MetroCourt because no one cooks at home anymore. Alexis and Sonny are commending Christina on her great semester in school. She must want the floor to swallow her up right about now, and she deflects the conversation to Alexis’s wedding.

Sam knocks on Jason’s hotel suite and Elizabeth answers. Elizabeth acts like he’s there, and says they’re getting ready to go to bed. Then Jason comes up behind Sam with Jake and I laugh my head off.

Dante goes through the pictures of Johnny and Valerie, but I don’t think he’s buying what Johnny had wanted them to convey. He tells Jordan that he thinks there’s some connection between Johnny’s sighting and Valerie being MIA.

Valerie struggles against her bonds and knocks over a candle, which starts burning trash on the floor.  Lulu drives up, calling for Johnny. Valerie is still struggling, but apparently that candle is one of those trick ones, because now nothing is burning, and then we see the candle light everything up again. Hello? Editing department?

Sonny brings up Christina and Johnny, which was at a time when I wasn’t watching. Christina promises not to contact him and also promises not to marry Ryan Gosling, since she says there’s about as much chance of that. Sonny says his check for the next semester was returned uncashed.

Jake acts like the bad seed he is, insulting Sam, and Elizabeth acts like the good soul she’s not and tells him that’s rude. Jake goes to bed, and Sam tells Jason and Elizabeth about Dr. Sheinberg, and how he’s going to come forward. Elizabeth acts like she’s grateful that Sam got involved and Jason kills all her hopes by telling Sam he’s staying down the hall. Ah-ha! in Nelson voice.

Dante tells Jordan about the conversation with Dillon and how he saw Johnny. Jordan wonders why Johnny was in Lulu’s company as far back as Christmas. Dante says Johnny wasn’t necessarily in her company. Jordan wants to talk to Lulu, but Dante says he can’t get her on the phone. He shows Jordan the photos.

Lulu keeps beeping the horn, while the flames get closer to Valerie who is yelling her head off. As much as you can with a gag anyway.

Elizabeth asks Jason how Jake was when they were out. Jason says that he’s a kid and he wants things he can’t have. Elizabeth says she can’t stop thinking about what Jake went through with Helena. Jason says thanks to Sam he might be able to avoid jail. Jake pops in and says Sam isn’t as good as Jason thinks she is.

Alexis wonders why the check would be sent back. Christina makes up something about it being an electronic error and that other students got checks back. She tells Sonny to just give her the check and she’ll deliver it personally. She leaves to talk to Sam, and I don’t think Sonny or Alexis are believing her.

Jordan and Dante look at the photos. Dante judges the dates by what Valerie is wearing. Jordan says it looks like Valerie was on the take. Dante says he doesn’t believe that. Jordan says she doesn’t want to either, but he’d better figure out how to prove that’s not the case.

Lulu decides to leave, but sees the fire. She jumps out of the car and runs to the cabin. Don’t call 911 or anything.  No, that would be too easy. She goes inside and sees Valerie unconscious with flames dancing around her. Let her burn and all your troubles will be over. Just turn around now.

Jason and Elizabeth grill Jake about brushing his teeth. I ask again, how old is this kid??? Jason asks what Jake meant about Sam. He says she’s greedy and wants everything for herself. Jason says that’s not true and Jake says she broke the picture of their family.

Christina tells Sam her parents are being intrusive. Sam asks her what’s going on. Christina asks her not to tell her parents, and when Sam promises not to, she tells Sam she’s been suspended.

Alexis tells Sonny his clashes with Christina are probably because they’re so much alike. He seems to think there’s something going on, and suggests maybe she’s embarrassed having a father who didn’t finish school and is a crime lord. I suggest that if this was a problem, they would have known by now.

No progress has been made at the PCPD. Jordan asks Dante how he thinks Lulu might be involved. Bobbi comes in and Dante asks for her help. He tells her about the photos. Bobbi asks if they think Valerie is in cahoots with Johnny. Jordan says not necessarily, but both of them are missing. Bobbi says she knows Valerie wouldn’t throw in with Johnny and that if Valerie is missing, it’s probably foul play.

Lulu runs to Valerie. She puts her jacket over Valerie’s head and gets the ropes untied. Lulu tries to wake up Valerie, but no luck. She pulls her out of the chair and starts doing CPR. Is she not breathing or does Lulu think this is how you wake up an unconscious person? Lulu screams at Valerie to wake up. Finally, she sits up and Lulu gets her outside.

Dante and Jordan ask Bobbi if Valerie has been stressed lately. Bobbi says yes, but she was concentrating on her career. She says that Valerie was used to money being tight, but she was looking for a job and she wouldn’t have taken money from Johnny. Jordan says that’s it for now, but they might have more questions later. Jordan tells Dante this doesn’t explain the pictures

Elizabeth asks Jake if he saw Sam break the picture. He says no, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t do it. Ha-ha! Jason tells him he shouldn’t make up stories and that Sam didn’t break the picture. Jake asks how he knows that. He says he knows Sam and that she knows lies are a mistake and that they never take you where you want to go. Jake says maybe she didn’t break the picture, but she wants to steal his family. I still say that kid broke the picture himself.

Alexis says Christina loves Sonny and that if she’s irritated, it has nothing to do with him. At the bar, Christina says her last break up was bad and she skipped class for a while. By the time she went back, she was failing. She tells Sam that she didn’t tell her parents because she thought she could catch up, but it never happened. Sam says she should talk to her professor. Christina says she tried, but she didn’t ask him “the right way.” When Sam asks what she means, Christina says she asked him if there was anything else she could do to pass the class.

Jason lectures Jake on what a good person Sam is. Jake says that Sam is bad because she took Jason away from them. Elizabeth tells him to go to bed, but he says he can’t sleep. Jake goes wherever, and Jason tells Elizabeth they’re not going to panic, he’s going out to get ginger ale and he’ll be back later.

Christina adds that the professor is hot, and Sam assumes she slept with him. Sam gives her a run down on why this is a bad idea. Christina says she didn’t have sex with him, but she offered it. Instead of taking her up on it, the professor turned her in and she got suspended. This sounds ridiculous, and I seriously doubt it would happen in real life. Christina says she can’t tell her parents. Sam says she’ll ultimately have to.

Alexis and Sonny confer on what’s up with Christina. They rule out love life. Alexis tells Sonny that she has better communication with Christina and she hasn’t heard a peep. She also suggests that Sonny go back to school if he wants to speak Christina’s language and thinks it’s creating a wedge between them.

Dante tells Jordan being on the take isn’t like Valerie and she knows it. He says whoever sent the photos was setting her up. Jordan says if she was being set up, then by whom? Johnny doesn’t make any sense and who else would do it? Think hard, Dante.

Lulu and Valerie are outside. Lulu realizes she left her phone in her jacket inside the cabin. She wants to walk for help, but Valerie says they’re in the middle of nowhere and she’s going to freeze. And if they stay here, they have this huge fire to keep them warm. She really didn’t say that last part, but I thought it was funny.

Sam tells Christina she can’t wish the problem away, and that if she doesn’t tell her parents, Sam will. Christina says she’ll get a crappy apartment and work a crappy job and go back later. She also doesn’t want to burden Sonny with something else. She begs Sam not to tell and Sam relents. She gives Christina the keys to her place and tells her to keep it clean. She makes Christina promise to give her weekly updates and stay away from the professor.

Sonny tells Alexis that Julian is a snake. Alexis says they almost made it through a conversation without arguing about him. Sonny reminds her that Julian had Duke killed. Alexis leaves.

Christina gets a text from Parker. Who?

Jason comes into the bar and sees Sam. Jason explains about why Elizabeth is in his room. Sam says she appreciates it, but he doesn’t have to explain anything to her. He tells her about telling Jake how she searches for the truth. She says she wasn’t always that way; that he taught her to be like that. She leaves.

Jake asks Elizabeth if they’ll ever be together as a family again. She says anything can happen.

Dante keeps trying to get Lulu on the phone. He leaves a message saying he knows she’s in the middle of the Johnny/Valerie mess and wants to know what the blip is going on.

Valerie and Lulu huddle under a towel. I’m assuming the car won’t start? Even if that’s the case, why don’t they get into the car? At least their weather is on point with the real world. It’s freaking freezing out.

Tomorrow, Scotty is back! Valerie wonders how Lulu found her and Paul wonders how long before Ava disrobes.

Vanderpump Rules

After a plane ride I’m glad I wasn’t a passenger on, the gang arrives in Hawaii. It’s absolutely beautiful, and I can just imagine what a waste this trip is going to be on this group. Of course someone says they got laid when presented with a lei upon landing. Sigh.

The rooms are spectacular and the drinking begins immediately. That’s if it ever stopped. Lala tells Faith that James thinks he’s going to get with her, but he’s not. Ariana shows Tom a series of texts between Scheana and Ariana’s mother discussing Tom in a negative way with Scheana as the instigator.

More drinking before dinner. Max is still recovering from his surgery. Tom announces tomorrow’s activity, a hike with him as guide. There are also upcoming surf lessons. Ariana is stressing over the Scheana texts and isn’t fully enjoying herself. I guess I’d be pissed too.

Ariana makes a toast to the birthday boys, Tom and Jax, using the word “awesome” a lot. Lala has said PDA is James’s thing and she’s right. Jax says something stupid about people who aren’t here who should be and people who are there who shouldn’t be. Lala says Britney needs to “control her man” and I wonder what planet she’s from. What is wrong with that woman? An argument starts between James and Jax. A-hole awards all around.

More drinking. James is bending Max’s ear and complaining about Jax. The rest of the crowd joins them at a very NYC looking bar. Scheana says she and Shay are going to have alone time while everyone else is going on the hike. Tom brings up the texts. Scheana tries to act like it was Ariana’s mom who initiated the conversation, but Ariana got the texts straight from her mom. Tom reads them out loud. Scheana acts like she didn’t do anything wrong and says Tom has a superior attitude.

Ariana can’t figure out the motivation, but I’m wondering if it’s because they don’t want to be friends with Kristen. Tom says he’s been a stand up guy with them. Scheana says she sticks by her words, what’s done is done, and she’s going to bed. Tom tells Shay that if it was him, he’d be pretty angry too. If this was me, I’d ignore them for the rest of the trip and have a good time.

Giggy! Lisa is worried about Max. Aww, we see pics of Ken with Max as a baby. Lisa isn’t thrilled that James is on the trip because he’s erratic and unpredictable. I don’t blame her.

Katie has jet lag. Schwartz tells her he recreated Justin Bieber’s nakey pic on their balcony while she was sleeping. Yep, he did. And he Instagrammed it. Lisa sent them flowers and they give her a call. She asks how Max is doing and she tells them how worried she is. Katie says she’s as tough as a mother as she is as a boss. Lisa says she gets concerned when the bunch of them goes somewhere together. Again, I don’t blame her.

Scheana, who is totally disappointing me, is gossiping about Ariana and Tom to Jax.  Britney is tired of Lala flirting with Jax and says she’s going to talk to her.

The group, minus the Shays and Katie, goes on a hike. This is the kind of thing I would love. They go swimming in a place that has a waterfall. We flash back to some of Stassi’s birthdays and her control issues. Tom promises not to act like that. Lala and Faith take their tops off. Jax says he’s going to look, but the trick is looking without Britney seeing. Schwartz has the opposite reaction in that they’ve seen so many, it’s no big deal.

Scheana hopes Shay can master moderation on this trip because she can’t grasp that he should not drink at all. Don’t come whining to me when he disappears for days again.

The hikers stop at a clearing. Schwartz asks what’s up with Ariana and Scheana, and Ariana explains. Schwartz says he doesn’t think Scheana is right, but Tom has been a little snippy lately.

In the meantime, Scheana is telling Katie how she’s her best friend now, and Tom and Ariana act like they’re on a pedestal. Because we’re all 14.

Britney confronts Lala about having no respect for her and Jax’s relationship. Lala says she’s crossed the line flirting and she apologizes. She says she didn’t know they were together. Jax says no way he said that. Lala says at first she thought he was just leaving out details, but now she knows he’s a liar. This is true, but she’s also a sleazebag.

Jax goes humana-humana and Lala tells Britney she does respect relationships. In her individual interview, Lala says she could say a lot that Britney doesn’t want to hear, but sees no point, and Jax says he dodged a bullet.

James asks Max if he supposed to be drinking right now. Max says no, but James justifies it by saying it’s a disinfectant. Okay. Lisa calls Max to check up on him. He thinks he assuages her fears, but probably not. Lala and Faith join them and Lala tells James about Britney’s confrontation.

Schwartz tells Katie about their day and says he saw Lala’s boobs but didn’t look at them. Katie thinks it’s wrong for the girls to be taking off their tops around other people’s boyfriends and I agree. Schwartz tells her about the texts. Katie disagrees about Scheana being in the wrong and says Schwartz isn’t being supportive.

Even more drinking! This time it’s those drinks in pineapples. Ariana brings up Lala’s toplessness and says it wasn’t appropriate. Lala says she encourages every woman to go topless. Scheana says she totally understands Katie’s side, but what did she expect? Lala says what It really means is she doesn’t trust her man. Boys would probably be a more accurate description for the males in this group.

Now that she’s had a few pineapple drinks, Lala decides Britney should hear the truth . She takes Britney aside and tells her about Jax playing a part in their flirting, and that he said he wanted to get with her. Britney says she’s confused, since Jax has acted innocent. Britney tries to pin a little on Lala, but somehow Lala turns it around. Lala says she’s not going down with the ship anymore. Britney says she’s going to talk to Jax. Way to have fun on vacation. I don’t know who’s a bigger d-bag, Jax or Lala. Probably James will trump the both of them.

Britney takes Jax aside. I think he knows what’s coming. Britney tells Jax what Lala said. He repeats her words, which usually tells me that the person is thinking about what answer they’re going to fabricate. Jax says Lala was drunk and is just reaching. Britney calls Lala over. Lala insists she told the truth. Jax repeats that she was drunk and insists he never said it. Scheana sticks her nose into it, but says she didn’t really hear anything. In her individual interview, Scheana says she has her suspicions, but didn’t want to rock the boat. Lala starts getting animated and Jax continues to insist he did nothing. Lala says she’s only been honest and she’s done.

She walks away to be alone.

Next time, more drinking! Stassi and Kristen get together, and Jax gets arrested.

MasterChef Celebrity Showdown

If they rerun this, I highly recommend watching. As well as having celebrities compete, a trio of MasterChef winners compete against the final three from this season of MasterChef Junior, which includes my girl, Addy. Christine, winner of MasterChef’s season three, was also a favorite of mine, as she’s blind. Everyone was surprised that she ended up the winner, but it was logical to me, as I thought her other senses would be more keen. All of the entrants got a donation to their charity of choice, and the big winners get an extra donation.

Best of all, it’s food porn at its finest.

Jan12

January 11, 2016 — GH, 10 Little Chefs & the Scent of a Stassi

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What I Watched Today

(random, rambling thoughts on today’s TV)

 

General Hospital

Elizabeth says someone must have broken in, since the picture was fine when she went upstairs.

Maxie freaks after seeing Johnny. She says she’s going to get the police, but Johnny stops her.

Sonny sees Lucas at the hospital and asks if he can be Sonny’s new doctor, but Lucas says no can do.

Nicholas says the lawsuit is going to be a real pita. Hayden says she’s got an idea to prevent that, and asks him to marry her. She says it will protect ELQ. I can’t wait to hear the logic for this.

Sam is moving back to the apartment and tells Alexis that she and Julian will finally get some privacy. Kristina looks at a letter saying she’s on academic suspension because her grades totally blow. Alexis startles her, so she eats the letter. Not really. Just seeing if you’re paying attention.

Kristina stashes the letter and talks nonsense about how great Alexis and Julian’s privacy will be when everyone leaves. Kristina makes up some story about why her classes aren’t starting next Monday. When Alexis asks just when they’re going to start, Sam saves the day by walking in and diverting attention. Kristina asks Sam what’s going on and Sam says Jason remembered kissing her.

Jake pops downstairs and asks if “the bad man” broke the picture frame. How old is he supposed to be? He certainly looks older than a kid who would use the phrase “the bad man.” And he spent his formative years with Helena. You’d think he’d be reciting Shakespeare. Jason tells him everything is going to be okay and he says he agrees because his dad is here now.

Nicholas says the court case will hurt the Quartermaines as much as it will hurt him. Hayden says she saw it happen all the time when she worked in finance, that most of the time, companies were hit the hardest in a lawsuit among the individuals in them. She says the Qs might pull a Medea and destroy ELQ entirely. Her bright idea is to get married and put some of the shares in her name. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! She’s good.

Lucas recommends Dr. Maze, who is highly skilled, but doesn’t have e a great bedside manner. How convenient – here he comes! Nathan introduces Dr Maze to Sonny and Carly, but he says he just needs to meet the patient. Sonny isn’t too happy about that.

Johnny has Maxie’s phone. Lulu reminds Maxie of the time she helped Johnny out, and they go down Memory Lane to get everyone up to speed. Maxie asks where he’s been all this time. Johnny says no one has really been looking for him and that it’s a cold case. While Maxie distracts him with this question, she grabs her phone back and says she owes it to Nathan to call him.

Johnny asks Maxie to give him the phone. She says Nathan has been working a super secret case and maybe it’s him. He says hardly, and I tend to think he’s telling the truth. Lulu interjects that she would be in trouble too. Maxie says she can lie and Lulu says she won’t.  Maxie sees some flowers and asks where they came from. When Johnny says from him, she jumps to the conclusion that Lulu and Johnny are sleeping together because that’s a sure sign of it.

Dr. Maze is certainly abrupt. He says he’s not a family doctor so he doesn’t have to be nice. He reminds me of some doctors I’ve worked with. Sonny says he’s had movement in his legs and Carly says how great that is, but already obviously a wet blanket Dr. Maze says he’ll decide if it’s great after he examines Sonny.

Kristina suggests maybe his environment helped jog Jason’s memory. Sam says they were in his apartment, and Alexis asks if they’re moving in together and looks like she’s about to panic. Sam says no, Jason just said she and Danny could live there. Sam says something about Kristina studying law, and Alexis gets all excited. When she has to answer the phone, Kristina tells Sam to let her tell Alexis about her plans.

Elizabeth acts all weird, saying it’s her fault that Jake is a loony toon. Jason tells her to get a grip and the police knock on the door. He suggests maybe they can figure it out.

Hayden says that when it’s all over, she’ll give Nicolas back the shares. Nicholas says it’s his and Spencer’s future and he’s not letting it go. Hayden says he won’t have to if he marries her. He counters with what if she’s up to no good?

Sonny says the doctor doesn’t get to tell him whether his wife can be involved with his treatment. He says he wouldn’t be where he was today if it wasn’t for Carly. That probably wasn’t the best way to put it, considering where he is today. Dr. Maze says he’s the only doctor on staff who can treat him. And there are no other hospitals anywhere in the world.

Alexis says it was Diane on the phone and she’s going to take a trip with Max. Sonny’s Max? Are they an item? Alexis says Diane wants her to take over Jason’s case while she’s gone. Alexis says it’s going to be rough because both Nicholas and Hayden are saying the same thing, that Jason deliberately pushed Nicholas over the balcony.

The police tell Elizabeth that since it’s the second incident, they’ll send in CSI to take fingerprints. Jason has to tell them that he has a record and he’s out on bail now. He says he had nothing to do with what’s going on here, and the way Elizabeth jumps to second that, if I didn’t know better, I’d think he did. The police ask if he has any enemies. How much time do they have?

Hayden says trust is trust, but Nicholas says trusting emotionally and financially are two different things. He says that she was a shark once before, and he’s not willing to take the risk. She suggests a pre-nup.

Sam says it was an accident. Alexis says Sam wasn’t there, but Hayden was . Alexis says she’s surprised Jason even got out on bail. Sam says someone else must be in their corner and she’s going to find out who else might have seen the fight. Isn’t that something Alexis should be pursuing? Like right now?

Dr. Maze says he wants to focus on the patient, not field questions and feelings from their loved ones. Sonny says too bad. Carly takes him aside and says it’s fine with her that she wants Sonny to concentrate on getting better and she has work to do anyway. Dr. Maze tells Sonny it’s really the best way and let’s get going.

Nicholas says Hayden lied to him for a long time, saying she’d lost her memory. Hayden says she thought they were past that. Nicholas says she does enjoy his money. Hayden says of course she does, but that she’s made money for other people and for herself and she’s seen it destroy families and love, and she doesn’t want to be part of that.

Jason says he didn’t see anything weird in the neighborhood. The officer asks him if he thinks there’s any connection to what he’s out on bail for. Jason says he doesn’t think the incidents are related. He asks if they can keep a patrol car outside, but the officer says they can’t exactly waste a man on that. Jason is like, oh come on, and the officer says he can’t promise anything, but he’ll see what he can do. When the police leave, Jason tells Elizabeth to pack up the boys and they’re spending the night somewhere else. Ah-ha! in Nelson voice. Elizabeth thought he was going to move in there. I’ll bet she gets around this somehow though.

Maxie says Johnny is who Lulu was with on New Year’s Eve, and how can she do this? Lulu says, to Dante? And Maxie says no, to her. How could she do this and not let her in on it? Lulu says she’s not sleeping with Johnny, but she was in the stateroom with him when Dante came by and Dante assumed she was sleeping with Dillon. Maxie says that things with Dante will be over if he finds out Johnny is there for whatever reason and he has to go.

Maxie says she’s not keeping another secret from Nathan. Johnny says she wasn’t directly involved, so it’s no big deal. Maxie says she and Lulu have to think about their children. Johnny asks how Georgie is and she tells him how Spinelli brought her to Port Charles for Christmas. Johnny says Spinelli is one of the good ones. Somehow, Johnny gets the phone again. They’re going to go back and forth like this until someone else, probably Dillon, walks in.

Dr. Maze says he’s the best doctor on earth. Sonny says he doesn’t care because he’s also an a-hole and to move along to his next patient. Lucas comes by and Sonny asks if he has a plan B. Because, even though they’re not far from NYC, they can’t travel to see any other doctor. Maybe Port Charles is like Brigadoon and they’re not allowed to leave.

Sam meets Carly at the MetroCourt and they discuss who might have been able to see the fight. Carly goes to get the guest list from that night.

Jake asks if it’s safe now and if the bad man is coming back. How come the police didn’t talk to him? Jason says they’re going to sleep somewhere else tonight and Jake asks if he’s coming. Elizabeth says no, and that he doesn’t have to because she’s a fake witch.

Nicholas says he believes Hayden, but he has a team of fabulous attorneys who will get him off the hook, so she doesn’t have to enter into a charade. Hayden says she really loves him and she thought her feelings mattered to him. Nicholas says they do. Hayden says they’re happier together than apart and isn’t’ that a good enough reason to get married.

Johnny says he wasn’t planning on staying long and he’ll be gone before Maxie knows it. She gets her phone back again and runs off. Johnny says she’s bluffing, but Lulu says she’s right about Dante. Johnny says she doesn’t deserve the way Dante treats her. Lulu says getting rid of Valerie is her only hope, but after they’re finished with that, Johnny has to leave.

Lucas phones another doctor for Sonny. Because no one has a car.

Alexis says she can’t believe Kristina is taking pre-law and didn’t tell her. She says she must have had a really tough semester. Alexis tells her that when she’s arguing in front of the Supreme Court, she’ll come and watch. Kristina looks guilty as all hell.

Nicholas says he thinks marriage would be a huge burden so early, and he doesn’t want to sacrifice what they have for ELQ. Hayden says she can’t believe he’s putting them before the business. He says that they should explore their relationship more and Hayden says cool.

Jason says he wants to set Elizabeth and the boys up at the MetroCourt. Elizabeth says thanks for looking out for them.

Carly asks Sam about Jason. She says it has to be hard on him because he doesn’t understand why they love him so much and he must feel pressured. Carly checks to see what guests had a view of the terrace that night. I guess we’re assuming these people were all at a window or balcony at just the right moment. Carly recognizes a name and says they would have had a perfect view, but they’re someone she knows would not want to get involved. Elvis is alive!

Tomorrow, Michael wants to get back with Sabrrrina, Anna thinks there’s a break in the Carrrlos case, and Morgan sees a shrink. That guy is going to have a field day.

MasterChef Junior

We’re down to ten contestants. Immediately starting with a Nickolodeon moment, Graham is dressed like a chicken and the kids have to crack eggs on his head to find out which team they’re on. I want to know how they got the coloring inside the eggs because these sure seem like real eggs. It’s a deviled egg challenge and Graham and Gordon are the third team. I would think they’d be automatic winners, but maybe not.

Graham and Gordon end up being the big losers, but needless to say, every single deviled egg made is better than any I would make.

The elimination challenge has the kids making their signature dish from their future cookbook. One kid says he’s been working on his signature dish since he was four. Another one talks about taking a cupcake to “the next level,” when I haven’t taken one to the first level. . I throw out everything in my kitchen except the microwave.

Uh-oh. The cupcake idea did not go over well as a signature dish. Because it’s a cupcake. At least she doesn’t cry. I would. The next mistake is infinitely worse. Raw chicken. Now that’s one thing I’ve never had a problem with. I cook the crap out of chicken because I’m so afraid it will come out raw.

My favorite and my pick for the win, Addy, barely squeaks by. The cupcake and the chicken go home. Raw chicken aside, these kids have every reason to be proud of themselves. The top ten in what’s essentially an adult competition is extraordinary.

The next challenge involves a mystery box put together by Christina’s mother. It’s a box of Christina’s favorite childhood foods. What these kids are going to do with Fruit Loops and chicken breasts is definitely a mystery to me. The kids also get to make a Skype call to their best friend for inspiration. I wonder who they pal around with? Guy Fiery?

Another team challenge, this time in teams of two. The winner of the last challenge pairs up the teams. The kids have to make international street food. This is not to be confused with a dirty water dog on the street in NYC. They’re making three different dishes at once and switch team leaders every couple of minutes. This seems confusing to me, I can’t imagine how pressured these kids are feeling.

Gordon says pressure is good, and when we’re at our weakest, we find our strongest parts. Thanks, Kahill Gibran.  I don’t know what this is on a bun with a pickle, but I’d like one right now. Especially since my dinner is kale and quinoa soup due to too much holiday food cheer. When Gordon examines something that looks like lamb on a stick, he says the only thing missing is the wool, it’s so raw. Ouch! I’m glad the judges make it fun for the kids, but aren’t patronizing. Might as well learn about the world now.

Good-by little girl with the braids and kid with the mowhawk. Just remember, even if we lived to be 100, most of us won’t cook as well as you on your worst day. You put us all to shame.

Vanderpump Rules

Katie and Schwartz are having a picnic in a gorgeous park. They’re all happy and in love and just engaged. I hope it lasts for them. Katie reads a text from Stassi. Stassi says she’s thrilled with the engagement. Schwartz says Katie has been more relaxed with Stassi out of her life (no surprise), and Katie says she’s not really interested in that friendship anymore (understandable).

The girls fawn over Katie’s ring at work. Lisa says she’s almost as excited for Katie as she was for Pandora. I think Lisa just likes a diamond ring and a good party.

Jax has this huge quandary about who’s coming to the Hawaii trip, because thought processes are hard for him. He says James is definitely out, and although Kristen is out too, he’s inviting her to his birthday lunch. He invites Ariana to the lunch, but warns tells her Kristen will be there. Ariana says maybe she should take a pass. Scheana says she’s creating something where there isn’t anything. Ariana says Scheana is always talking over her and putting words in her mouth and that’s not a real friend. Scheana says that she’s not having this conversation and walks away. Because rainbows and butterflies.

Katie and Scheana are taking a break outside. Scheana tells Katie that Ariana doesn’t think they’re true friends because they keep throwing Kristen in her face. Scheana says Ariana is being like Stassi, although I disagree. Geez, let Ariana have some space from Kristen.

These guys steal so much liquor from the bar, it’s disgusting. Lisa comes in and says Stassi is back in town, and she doesn’t want her being “enabled” hanging out there again. Lisa says Stassi was seriously disrespectful and she doesn’t need to be giving her free drinks when she’s done enough for her and it wasn’t appreciated. Jax concurs that they’ve been getting along just fine without Stassi.

Max and James discuss James not being invited to Hawaii. Max seems to think it’s some passive aggressive thing about Kristen. And maybe James’s drinking has a little to do with it. Yeah. Maybe it has a lot to do with it. James says he’s just going to kiss Jax’s ass, and because Jax is so stupid, he’ll invite him.

Jax tells James he’s a liability. He brings up James acting like a d-bag when Jax was talking to Lala. (I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, who names their kid Lala? It’s a lot easier to type than Scheana though.) He says if he wanted to sleep with Lala, he would. James begs like a dog (not to insult dogs) and Jax says he doesn’t want to be sorry about it. Jax says if he didn’t forgive James, he’d be a hypocrite and tells James he can go. James calls him a dumb ass in his individual interview. That says it all about James. I like him even less than I do Jax.

Katie says Kristen did some f-ed up things, but she’s apologized and is doing better now, so she thinks they can be friends again. Katie tells Kristen about Stassi’s text. Kristen is still friends with her, and she says that Stassi is heartbroken over the loss of Katie’s friendship. That’s funny, since she’s the one who didn’t want to be friends anymore.

James tells Lisa that Jax told him he can come to Hawaii. James says that Lala is going to be there too, and his tongue hangs out, which ticks Lisa off. She says Lala is a human being, not a trophy. Lisa isn’t thrilled about Max coming along either. Lisa astutely points out that if Max is with Faith, that opens up the door for James with Lala. Lisa tells him not to do anything stupid, which she knows are futile words.

The girls go bikini shopping. Faith and Lala are going to be rooming together on the trip. Scheana says she wants to renew her vows in Hawaii. Didn’t they just get married? Lala comes out modeling pasties and a thong, and Scheana thinks this might be a bad idea, since there are a lot of other girls coming along. Scheana predicts Lala will sleep with James on the trip, but Lala says she can’t stop flirting with Jax. Ugh! I’m starting to really not like her. She acts like this is okay on days when he’s not with Britney. Of course he thinks it’s okay too, but I already can’t stand him.

Britney is moving in and Jax says they’ve hit a good stride, whatever that means. Jax asks if she’s okay with Lala going on the trip, even though he’d originally said he wasn’t inviting her. Britney tells him Scheana told her what Lala said when they were out shopping. Britney adds that he doesn’t help any. Jax asks if Britney is going to make things awkward and Britney says she’s going to have to speak with Lala. This makes Jax cringe, but this is his own damn fault.

It’s time for Jax’s birthday lunch! He’s 29 for the 7th time, which means he shouldn’t be hanging out with this crowd. Ariana and Tom show up, and Kristen says she’s not going to waste any more of her time trying to be friends with them. She makes a toast starting off with “since I’m not going to Hawaii” and in his individual interview, Tom says Kristen can’t help but be passive aggressive.

Lala, Faith and James visit Max at Lisa’s house. Max was in an accident and has a mess of dental work that needs to be done, so he doesn’t know if he’s making the Hawaii trip. James was some kind of hero in this because he’s the one who got him to the dentist. He’s probably the cause of it in the first place. Or Lisa arranged it rather than seeing Max vacation with these cretins. James goes on about how selfish Max is, since this blows his plan of hooking Max up with Faith so he can get to Lala.

At the birthday lunch, they discuss James’s…size. Why? Then they move on to Lala being man hungry.

Back at Lisa’s, Lala and Faith are topless in the pool and cavorting with James. What is this? The Playboy mansion? BTW, it’s up for sale, but you have to take Hugh Hefner with it. I’m not kidding. Google it.

When Tom gets up to have a smoke, Kristen follows. For God’s sake, leave that guy alone. Kristen asks for a light and Tom sets her on fire. Not really, but I wish he did. Kristen tells him she’s not going to Hawaii and wants to know what it’s going to take for him to stop being so hard on her friends. Using like about 12 times in a sentence, he says she makes him and Ariana uncomfortable. He says this is about her and not her friends.

The others notice they’re gone and Ariana says Kristen is on her Apology Tour 2015. Ha! She says it’s really about Kristen wanting to go to Hawaii. Kristen tells Tom she’s tired of the tension because she’s not going anywhere. She says she’s going to be helping out with Katie’s wedding too. Tom says she has to understand how truly horrible she was and sometimes actions have consequences. She says she respects his feelings but she’s going to be around. Thanks for the warning.

Scheana asks Ariana to meet her at the bar. Katie comes along. Schwartz says they keep losing people from the lunch. Scheana says that Ariana is being mean and unreasonable, and Katie days she feels like she’s being backed into a corner. Scheana says that Ariana and Tom act like Kristen holds a grudge, when really it’s the other way around. In her individual interview, Ariana says that they’ve all hated Kristen at one time or another, and that she’s never been friends with Kristen for a reason. Scheana says she spoke to Ariana’s mom, who thinks Ariana has been in a bad mood, so it’s not just them. Ariana finds it hard to believe her mom would prompt something like that. She says she’s not going to put herself in a situation where she feels uncomfortable and I don’t blame her. She says she’s now going to have to get on a plane with a bunch of a-holes who look like people who used to be her friends. Man, I’d keep my distance from Kristen too. This bunch is living in unicorn-bunnyville.

At the airport. Jax isn’t thrilled with James being there. James is thrilled because he wants to get with Lala. Scheana says it’s too bad Kristen isn’t there, but Tom and Ariana got their way. All these people claim to be such good friends, yet they all seem to have forgotten it’s Tom’s birthday too, and this is supposed to be a joint effort.

The plane takes off.

Next week, we’re in Hawaii and Jax gets arrested. Looks like lots of Stassi crying this season too.

Jan5

January 4, 2016 — The Endless New Year’s Eve & a Proposal

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What I Watched Today

(random, rambling thoughts on today’s TV)

 

General Hospital

Franco is showing Nina how real things can be. I’ve decided that’s my new euphemism now.

Dante sees Morgan on the docks. He claims he’s looking for some solitude. Morgan asks if Dante is up to police business, but he says he’s going to The Haunted Star party. Morgan thinks showing up unannounced might be a bad idea.

Johnny is trying to show Lulu how real things are. Lulu stops mid-clinch and says she’s still married, and this would be cheating. Johnny asks if Dante would feel the same way.

Spinelli and Ellie show up at The Floating Rib and see Sam and Jason almost being real. But of course that witch Elizabeth has to call right at that moment. Okay, maybe she does have a reason, since there are flashing red lights outside of her house.

Elizabeth says Jake had a scare, the police are there and she’ll explain everything when Jason gets there.. Wah-wah-wah. Jason says he has to go. Spinelli, Ellie and Sam have a shot. The alcoholic kind.

Franco and Nina suddenly notice Kiki is home. Kiki says she got home early and was going out to party with her friends, but decided to spend a quiet evening at home. Suddenly, she changes her mind (good move) and wants to go to The Haunted Star. She leaves. Franco wants to pick up where he and Nina left off, but Nina decides to make a sandwich.

Lulu says revenge sex isn’t the answer. Johnny says why not, but Lulu says even if she was going to do that, she’d do it with someone Dante could find out about. Good point.

Dante tells Morgan he’s kind of a train wreck when it comes to relationships. Morgan says that’s why he can give advice on what not to do. Dante says he thinks he should be spontaneous with Lulu.

Johnny talks Lulu back into being real. How come those pics of him and Valerie haven’t hit the internet yet?

Nina says that she’s never felt so loved, and Franco asks what she’s afraid of. She says she’s terrified that they’re going to ruin everything with sex. Seriously? Are we 15? Or even 25?

Spinelli says it was clear that Sam and Jason’s attraction for each other is back. Sam balks at the idea and says it was nothing. Spinelli says no way., but then kind of goes, well….

Jason gets to Elizabeth’s. Jake runs to him and he asks Jake what happened.

Lulu stops the realness again and says that Johnny dredging up old memories is confusing and not helpful. Dante knocks at the door. Lulu shoves Johnny somewhere and straightens up a little. She asks Dante why he’s there. He says he was lonely and needed to see her. This ought to be interesting.

Nina says what if it isn’t that great or she’s bad at it? She doesn’t want to risk the disappointment. She suggests maybe their time came and went, and she messed up by not taking it. Franco says what if the world ended and they were never together in a meaningful way and they would always regret it? He says he was waiting because he wanted it to be the right time, and he feels it’s the right time now. He says if she really thinks about it, she’ll agree. She says she doesn’t know what to do and he says do nothing, just be loved. Too bad things aren’t like this IRL.

Morgan is talking to himself and decides to have another beer. Kiki startles him and she asks if he’s been drinking. He says no, but she says she can smell it. He says he only had one beer. While I can vouch for this, it reminds me of the court shows when a litigant says they only had “a few beers.” This translates into they were drinking their face off and it never, ever fools the judge. I remember back in the day, Judge Wapner looking at Rusty, winking, and saying, “Yeah. A few beers.” Kiki asks if Morgan took his meds. He says not today and she tells him he can’t keep skipping them, and reminds him of his craziness at the cabin.

Eliie says she loves football because it’s the opposite of science and completely irrational. She says that although things like physics are involved in the game, it runs on emotions. Spinelli reminds Sam of when they looked at the stars and talked about Jason, and how things have come full circle. Sam says he’s imagining things. Spinelli says since Jason has discovered who he is, he and Sam have gotten closer, and as Jason discovers more of himself, he’ll discover his love for her.

Elizabeth says she was putting Cameron and Aiden to bed, when Jake started hollering that there was a man looking in the window. She says by the time she got there, he was gone and she called the cops. Yeah, right. I’m not sure Jason is totally buying this and I certainly don’t. Jake asks Jason not to leave.

Dante asks Lulu what’s going on. She says nothing; she just wants some privacy. She asks why he didn’t call first and he says he was afraid she’d hang up. He says he has some things he wants to talk about and she asks if it can wait. He says no, and she says go ahead, talk. Dante starts to talk, and then walks past Lulu into the room like he’s the boss. I would so be saying something if I was Lulu, but she just stands there looking startled. He asks what she’s been doing and I assume he sees the champagne glasses. How about none of your business, buddy? Oh, wait, he can’t hear me and wasn’t talking to me in the first place.

Franco and Nina are keepin’ it real.

Dante says he thought he heard Lulu talking to someone. She says she was talking to herself. She says she was taking a break from the party to have a cry. Dante says, so you weren’t with anyone? She tells him she owes him no explanations and I totally agree. He says he thought there was still something between them, and she says he thought wrong. He asks, who is it? Because the only other option for her other than being with him is to be with another guy.  Man, I hate those assumptions.

Sam admits there might have been a moment or spark, but Jason doesn’t remember their life together. Spinelli asks if the attraction is “fortuitous” or not. I love Spinelli. He reminds me of Citizen Z on Z Nation. Or really vice versa, since Spinelli was here first.

Elizabeth acts her little heart out and tells Jake that Jason has to leave. Jake is all like, what if the bad man comes back and hurts us? and Jason says he’ll stay. I trust Jake about as much as I trust Elizabeth, which is not at all. That kid has looked suspicious since he came back from Cassadine Island or wherever the blip Helena was keeping him. He reminds me of The Bad Seed. He’s incredibly precocious and all of a sudden he’s acting like he’s an innocent toddler? No way.

Nina tells Franco how much she loves him and they get more real. Song part. I hate song parts. I hate them in movies too, unless they’re part of the plot. It’s one thing if the characters put a song on or are singing themselves, but this stuff is like, where is that music coming from and why? Their realness goes into the commercial break.

Commercial break. I don’t watch the dating reality shows – I can’t take the desperation – but the new guy on The Bachelor reminds me of Rob Kardashian when he’s thin.

Morgan says he still cares a lot about Kiki. She says she doesn’t want to lose him as a friend. He says she’s not, but she tells him if he keeps going the way he’s going, she will. She tells him she knows he doesn’t want to take his meds, but if he doesn’t, things will get scary. He says the meds make him feel dead inside and at least a beer makes him feel something. She says his condition is real and it’s not going away and it affects, not just him, but everyone around him.

Jason puts Jake to bed and Elizabeth says he can sneak out now. Jason says that he’ll stay so he’ll be there when Jake wakes up. Elizabeth says she wishes she had put what was best for everyone first while she had the chance. She tells him that she’s sorry. He says thanks and what’s done is done. She goes to get bedding for the couch.

Lulu tells Dante to get out before she calls the police. He says he is the police and she says it’s going to be pretty embarrassing then. Ha-ha! Dante picks up a pair of New Year’s Eve glasses from the bed, which is I guess what he saw. First of all, who does he think he is, snooping around her place? Secondly, how dare he be snooping around her place? I’m with Johnny. She deserves better than Dante.

The song is over and Nina and Franco are done with being real. Looks like things went well, because Nina wants to get real again.

Morgan tells Kiki she’s right, that he has to deal with his illness. Kiki says it will suck for a while, but eventually his doctor will find the right balance for him. His phone alarm goes off to tell him it’s time for his pill. He says he’s taking Kiki to a diner where she’s going to drink her coffee like a lady and he’s going to man up and take his meds. This is one of the rare moments when I like him. (The character, not the actor – Bryan Craig is great.)

Dante got a lot out of finding those glasses, since he gets pissed off and leaves. Lulu tells Johnny that Dante looked at her like he hated her and she wants Valerie out of the picture now. He says Valerie is going to get what she deserves. Good.

Sam, Spinelli and Eliie are having a beer now. Ellie suggests that Sam might end up not feeling the same way about Jason. Sam says maybe, maybe not. Sam says the same qualities she fell in love with must still be there.

Elizabeth tells Jason “happy new year” and tucks him into the couch. Not really, she gives him blankets and goes back upstairs.

Tomorrow, Robin wants her job back at the hospital, and it looks like Sabrrrina might be having her baby.

Vanderpump Rules

Schwartz visits Lisa for a mini meeting about the Sangria. She asks if he would like some water and he says he could use a Xanax. Lisa intimidates him, but I think it doesn’t take much. Lisa says Tom should also be there, but Schwartz is really there to show her Katie’s engagement ring. It’s beautiful. A pear shaped diamond. Schwartz tells Lisa to keep it a secret.

Tom and Ariana go to a tattoo removal place where Tom knows the manager. Kristen also knows someone there, so Tom is worried she’ll find out about it. Ariana says that this is the most grudge-bearing group she knows, except when it comes to Kristen and I agree.

The doctor says they have to wait because of some complication he has with the red ink. It’s going to cost a thousand bucks and, take 7 to 12 treatments over a year and a half’s time. The doctor also says he can’t go sunbathing or use a tanning bed in the meantime. I might add her first reaction to Tom asking about the tanning bed is, “Who does that anymore?”

“Think before you get ink,” Tom says. Um, yeah. How about just thinking period.

Jax, Scheana and Kristen are out for drinks. Lala is joining them later. They discuss the problem Tom has with Kristen coming to the joint birthday party for Jax and Tom. Kristen keeps asking if she’s invited and Jax can’t tell her no. Instead he says he’ll fight for her. Scheana says Kristen will show up whether invited or not, and he has to tell her not to even come near the event. What is up with that? Lala joins them and Kristen says if Lala wants to be friends with her, she shouldn’t’ be hooking up with her ex. Lala hugs Jax and Kristen almost has apoplexy. Jax invites Lala to the party in Wakiki. I’d hide the knives at this point. Why does this cuckoo bird want to go to a party where she’s not wanted? Lala and Jax flirt openly and steam comes out of Kristen’s ears. Obviously, even with her whole nine months of therapy, Kristen is as crazy as ever.

During prep time at SUR, Tom spills some Sambuca and he says it’s the worst liquor ever to clean up, sticky and pungent. Katie asks Lisa if Schwartz came up with any good ideas about the sangria and Lisa says not at all. Lisa makes a big show of scolding Tom. When Katie leaves the room, Lisa finds out that Tom knows about Schwartz proposing, and they talk about it.

Britney is in the parking lot, with her car full of her belongings. Jax says whether he wants it or not anymore, it’s too late. Britney is moving in. He says he’s excited about it, but it’s still kind of fast. Yeah, especially since he was out with Lala last night. Jax invites her inside SUR. In his individual interview, James predicts Britney will be gone by this time next year. Jax gives her the keys and tells her they’ll celebrate when he gets home.

Jax informs Lala that Britney is moving in. She says she thought they were just casually dating. Okay, I guess she’s really stupid. Lala tells James she was flirting with Jax, which doesn’t make him too happy, since he thinks she should be with him. Lala says she was invited to Jax’s birthday and James acts like he’s coming too. Another one who wants to be somewhere he’s not wanted. Is this a millennial thing?

Jax comes to the office for his paycheck. He tells Lisa about the Hawaii plans. Lisa says they never tell her as far in advance when they plan these trips. She heaves a sigh and asks who’s going. Jax says he wants to invite Lisa’s son, Max. Lisa isn’t too keen on it and says to just make sure everyone has their shifts covered. Jax says James will be there, since he’s not invited. Jax tells her about Britney and Lisa says it won’t take long for Britney to see through him.

Faith is at Lala’s place for drinks and pizza. Lala tells her she touched James’s peepee. I’m not kidding. That’s what she said. Faith asks what she even sees in him. That’s my question. Lala also says that she’d texted Jax at 3 a.m. and doesn’t remember. Faith says she likes Britney, but at the same time, she knows who she’s dating. What is wrong with people?

Katie and Scheana come over to Kristen’s place for a carbless, meatless lasagna. It’s not lasagna then. Kristen is hoping they’re on their way to being friends again. Kristen asks about Schwartz and Katie tells her about the tattoo. Scheana knows about the ring too and is having a hard time keeping it to herself. Katie and Scheana put words in Ariana’s mouth, saying she told them they can’t be friends with both her and Kristen. That’s not what she said. Another bunch with short term memory loss or who think that I have it.

Schwartz comes over to Tom and Ariana’s place with take-out. He and Tom talk about the surprise engagement ring presentation.  He’s also brought his clothing over for Tom’s approval. They talk about when Schwartz first moved to L.A. and Tom found him under roommates on Craigslist. Tom has a little dog (a Pomeranian?) named Charlotte. Nothing to do with what’s going on; just giving cute dog alert.

James checks the schedule. James asks Lisa if he can have off too because of the Hawaii trip. Lisa asks him if he knows whether he’s invited or not, and reminds him of the fight he and Jax had. James keeps acting like he’s been invited without answering the question and takes a picture of the schedule. Meanwhile, Lisa keeps trying to get him to go back to work. James and Kristen are so freaking weird, I can’t stand it.

Tom creates a birthday dinner and drinks with the group to cover for Schwartz proposing. Schwartz says no one else knows because he didn’t want them anticipating the moment, but now he finds himself doing it. They talk about Britney coming out to L.A. all by herself and wonder where all her stuff is going to go in Jax’s studio. They also talk about the upcoming trip to Hawaii. Schwartz is downing beers like a maniac. The cue is when the entrees are cleared. Here it comes. I’m laughing at how nervous he is.

Schwartz looks like he’s about to pass out or throw up. He asks for another beer. OMG, some other guy is proposing to his girlfriend at another table. Talk about having your thunder stolen. Or is this part of the set up? Okay, it is. Schwartz goes over to the guy, interrupts things, and takes the ring. He brings it over to Katie and gets down on one knee, asking her to marry him. I have to admit, this is pretty clever. If I were her, I’d tell him no just for making me wait so long.

She says yes, and everyone applauds. Tom looks like a proud father. Some violinists pop out of nowhere to play background music. Katie calls her mom from the restaurant and sends an Instagram pic. They have a toast. Schwartz is ecstatic that nothing went wrong and says it’s a fairytale ending. Just wait, pal.

Next week, the guest list for Hawaii is firmed up and Britney tries to tame Jax.

Dec28

December 27, 2015 –Atlanta Wives & Vegas Aftermath in L.A.

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What I Watched Today

(random, rambling thoughts on today’s TV)

 

The Real Housewives of Atlanta

Worst. Taglines. Ever. Aside from Kandi and Kim.

Cynthia gets flowers from Peter. Ho-hum. I am glad to hear her say  sweet notes and flowers aren’t going to make her forget about their problems though.

Kandi goes to see producer, Roger Bobb (whose name we haven’t heard for a while). Kandi has made a single with friend Demetria, and Roger wants to do a video. Kandi’s assistant (DonJuan) and Roger act like it’s unheard of that a pregnant woman should be working.

One of Apollo’s friends is checking in on the boys, bringing them some guy stuff. When the boys go off to play, the friend asks how things are going. Phaedra says Aidan knows what’s going on and how to contact his father. Apollo has apparently been saying that he has no contact with the kids. The friend says Apollo is remorseful that things didn’t work out. Phaedra is like, hindsight is 20/20, and says they need to just focus on being good parents. Why is there even any pretense? She was done with that guy before he left for prison.

Kandi says it’s been a while since she’s done a video and is having a hard time letting people tell her what to do. Todd shows up on a hoverboard. Look out! I heard those things catch fire spontaneously. Kandi says it’s a lot of work to conceal the pregnancy. Porsha and Phaedra stop by to lend support. And get more camera time.

Kenya and Marlo are working out. Kenya says as a workout partner, Marlo is good at looking pretty and being funny. Her friend, Matt, also shows up. She says there’s been some flirtation but there’s a large age gap. They make plans to get together anyway and I see no reason why not. He’s good looking and seems cool. Ooh, he’s younger than her. I thought it was the other way around. She says she doesn’t mind someone younger, but they have to be old enough “to enjoy this ride.” Not sure what she means by that, but I understand her reluctance. I wasn’t interested in the young ones when I was young.

Kandi says she appreciates DonJuan’s protectiveness, but all right already. They have Kandi in amazing jeweled boots and a flowing poncho and it actually seems to hide that she’s pregnant when the wind machine is going. She says she forgot how hard it was to sing and dance at the same time, and to be having a baby along with it makes it even more difficult. Well, yeah.

Cynthia and Peter are having a romantic lunch by the water. Cynthia says that they used to do a lot together, like taking long drives and just talking, but since they’ve gotten so busy with various projects, they barely see one another. Peter toasts to better days while a local artist sketches their portrait.

Matt and Kenya decide to play basketball for their first date. Kenya wins, but I’m not sure how much he let her win. Kenya says that Matt is sweet, and she’s not saying no to a second date, but she’s reluctant. I think she’s saying he’s too nice for her and I kind of get that, but I also think she should give him a chance. I’m not suggesting she give him a chance to be mean, but to show that he’s multi-dimensional.

Aidan is starting kindergarten. Phaedra says Apollo’s incarceration doesn’t only affect him, but affects the whole family. Aidan is so cute and Phaedra gets teary-eyed about him saying he wants to be with her always. It reminds me of the time I was babysitting a four-year-old boy. We were watching Tarzan and he asked if I would go off in the jungle with him on a motorcycle. (Today, he’s in college and just got into trouble for buying a motorcycle without mom’s permission. At least he’s consistent with something.) We flash back to some  of Aidan’s cutest moments over the past five years. Phaedra tells him that he and Dillon will always be her little babies. They say a prayer thanking God for the day and to make Aiden strong and courageous for the day. Phaedra is having a hard time controlling her emotions.

Porsha is having Facetime or whatever with Oliver. Man, I just don’t like her. She’s like, oh no, all you can see my boobs from this angle – tee-hee-hee. Gag. She asks him if he’s ever had a Black girlfriend before and he hasn’t. She talks about working out and says she’s lost 7 pounds. He says he hopes it’s not from her butt. We flash back to her twerking in a thong the night she met him in Miami. (Ugh!) She asks if he’s ready for a relationship and the connection starts to break up. Ha-ha! What? I can’t hear you!

Kim is giving herself a manicure. She says she’s going out on a school night and is for real grown now.

I guess they’re all going to Kandi’s video release because Kandi is looking for something to wear. Todd jokes that he told Phaedra to bring a check. Kandi says don’t bring it up tonight and to be cordial.

No offense to Kim, but Kenya says that she looks like a confused prostitute from DisneyWorld and I tend to agree. She has on some sparkly black swing top with leather hotpants and thigh-high boots. It’s not that she can’t rock them, but um…her outfit really stands out. Peter tells Todd he can’t believe Phaedra hasn’t paid him yet. I can. I’ve been waiting three years for some money that my husband talked me into lending some acquaintances who turned out to be real jerks. Wish me luck. I’m hoping to get on People’s Court.

Kandi makes a speech about the video. Everyone is thanked for coming and the video gets its premiere. Kandi says everyone seems to like it and she thinks it will be a hit. And I guess Kandi ought to know since she’s had a few. Porsha makes some comments that I ignore because she knows nothing about anything.

Phaedra acts like she’s the big person and tells Todd they need to talk at some point. She then talks smack about him to Porsha and some other chick outside. She acts like just because she never released the video, she doesn’t owe him the money. She keeps talking about how Todd got paid for production, but she still owes him a balance. Because you know, if I buy a car and don’t drive it, I don’t have to make the payments any more. Idiots. They start talking about how the friendship between Phaedra and Kandi got messed up, and Porsha puts in some kind of two cents about how it must be Todd’s fault. DonJuan hears them and pops in out of nowhere.

DonJuan says he thinks a lot more than money broke up the friendship. Porsha says he shouldn’t be sticking his nose in. DonJuan tells them that they shouldn’t be gossiping outside of the event when Kandi was nice enough to invite them. He does a perfect impression of these nasty witches, even though they try to deny what they were doing. The group breaks up and DonJuan throws shade at them as they leave. Phaedra says she owes him no explanations because she doesn’t fraternize with her friends’ workers. Okay, Miss Daisy.

Hmm… No Sheree this week?

Next week, DonJuan lets fly to Kandi about Phaedra’s smack talk and Kenya meets with her father.

Vanderpump Rules

It’s the morning after the night before in Las Vegas. Tom has a beer in his hand already. I drank a few days ago and can’t even look at it. Tom and Schwartz got tattoos – Tom’s got an “A” made out of bacon and Schwartz got “Bubba,” both on their rear ends. Huh? I have nothing against tattoos, but…why? I guess I can see Tom’s A for Ariana, but in bacon? And is Katie’s nickname Bubba?

The girls are getting ready for another night at SUR. Katie says the guys will be chasing the clock, coming to SUR straight from Vegas, and Ariana says they’re going to be smelly and tired. Ariana is going to do some show where she and Tom are going to read from old diaries. This actually sounds kind of cool.

The guys are trying to get it together in the car. Ha-ha! Just wait until you’re older and those hangovers last for-ev-er. Lisa calls to see if they’re on their way and Jax says she’s not going to like the way they smell. Lisa meets them at the door and the Toms show her their tattoos. She says they always take stupidity to a whole new level and I concur.

Ariana shakes Tom down for Vegas winnings. Katie can’t believe Schwartz got Bubba tattooed on his ass. I’m hoping this is some kind of joke between them. She says she thinks she likes it, but she hopes he never goes to prison. Ariana asks if Tom and Schwarta got married too. Ha-ha! Ariana, who is not into tattoos, isn’t impressed.

Scheana says out of all the terrible decisions they could have made, getting tattoos is the best of them. Good point. Jax says that Britney is coming to live with him and he can’t escape the girlfriend question anymore. He adds that Kristen is the only single one now. He wants to plan a dual birthday trip with Tom and ask Kristen to join them. Scheana says Kristen is a lot of fun, but they agree to keep it on the down low for now. Kristen is batsh*t crazy and Scheana is delusional.

Tom’s mother is coming for a visit and Ariana puts her bong in the closet. Ariana’s bong, not Tom’s mom’s bong. They have dinner at SUR (where else?) and Terri (Tom’s mother) talks about the first time Tom was in a talent show, with all the other entrants being girls, and won first place. Tom says he takes after his mother. He introduces her to Lisa. Terri is a firefighter and Tom says that’s where he gets his tough side. Tom talks about Terri getting locked out of the house and says it was like Jurassic Park when she kicked down the door. Ariana tells Terri he also brought home a souvenir from Vegas and he confesses about his tattoo.

Kristen is out for drinks with Jax to ask him for dating advice. She claims not to be a crazy bitch any more, but this remains to be seen. She says she has legit things to talk to Ariana about and she already sounds kind of manic. She says she’s been in therapy for a whole 9 months and she’s’ all better now. I’m thinking she needs a few more years on that couch. Maybe forever.

Kristen says she’s been dating broke musicians and is ready for something new. She and Jax mingle in between shots. Kristen kisses some guy and Jax makes a “woo!” sound, but I didn’t think it was a “woo!” moment at all.

Lisa calls Katie “Bubba,” so it must be a joke between her and Schwartz. Ariana says at least he’s making a commitment. Lisa asks if she’d rather have a tattoo on the ass or a ring on string, and she says the tattoo, so Lisa says there’s been progress.

Lala asks James how he’s doing. Apparently they’ve been making out here and there, but they haven’t “sealed the deal.” It sounds like Lala just wants to be friends with make out benefits. James asks her to stop hanging out with Jax, but she says she’ll hang out with who she wants to. James tells her about the Tom tattoos and she tells him about the girls’ slumber party and make out session. She says when she has tequila, she’ll make out with anyone and that Scheana is the best kisser. James suggests the go out for Margaritas.

Katie is on a break, and she and Kristen are chatting. Katie says she’s okay with Kristen now. Kristen says she’d like to apologize to Ariana and SUR is the only place she knows she’ll see her. Kristen says she doesn’t expect them to be friends, but she hangs out with Ariana’s friends so it might make things less awkward.

Kristen goes into SUR and asks Ariana for a drink. Ariana says she doesn’t feel comfortable serving Kristen alcohol. Kristen apologizes and says she was immature and selfish. Ariana says it doesn’t excuse anything. They go back and forth, and in the end Kristen says her actions will speak louder than her words. She says she doesn’t expect to be friends with Ariana. Ariana says her friends are intelligent, wonderful and funny and Kristen is none of those things. She says she doesn’t trust Kristen and would like her to keep her distance. Kristen apologizes again and leaves. In her individual interview, Ariana says Kristen is not that smart, but she’s calculating and Ariana doesn’t trust her in the least. I feel the same way.

Tom says Ariana reminds him of his mom since they’re both straight-up, no bs people. Ariana says she wishes they could hang out some more, but Terri says she’ll come back again. Ariana talks about the diary show she and Tom are doing, and we flash back to some old pictures of Tom doing modeling. Terri asks to see Tom’s tattoo. Everyone hates it, including Tom. Terri says how good Ariana and Tom are together. Tom says Kristen had been his biggest hater even though she was his girlfriend. Ariana tells them about Kristen’s apology and Terri says it’s been good of them to take the high road.

Schwartz goes to a modeling gig, which he says is better than bartending. I’ll take his word for it, since I’ve done neither. Schwartz is a little flabby, so he suggests they spray some abs on him. I guess he’s good at this. I really don’t know. Katie comes to the shoot and sits with Tom while he’s on break. Katie talks about Jax’s upcoming party and says she’s been getting along with Kristen and would like to see her invited. She talks about Tom and Ariana acting like Stassi in regard to Kristen, but I don’t see how you can compare the two.

Tom and Ariana go to the diary show. I didn’t realize it was on stage. Tom jokes that his readings will be like the Dead Sea Scrolls, affecting the world years from now when they’re discovered. This reminds me of the way off Broadway stuff I did when I was first in NYC.  Ariana starts to read and some of it is pretty funny. Jax doesn’t get it. No surprise there. I don’t think his IQ is incredibly high. When it’s Tom’s turn, he says he didn’t keep a diary, but brings a journal of old song lyrics he wrote. This is actually a pretty good idea and I could see being involved with this. Except for this part. Tom shows everyone his tattoo.

Al l the peeps have shown up for support. Afterwards, they’re hanging out at the bar. Lala is talking to Jax and James comes in, giving her a million kisses. James brings her a drink. There’s a bunch of stupid stuff between the three of them that isn’t even worth typing.

They all go to someone’s apartment and eat pizza. Tom talks about the joint birthday party he and Jax want to throw. Jax says something about inviting Kristen and Tom practically freaks just thinking about it. Someone mentions that enough time has passed, but Ariana says that’s no one else’s call. Truth. Katie calls Tom “Stassi,” but that’s not fair. Stassu was an a-hole who tried to dictate who Katie’s friends were. And she did have a point with Kristen, who slept with Jax (Stassi’s then boyfriend) and lied about it, all the while pretending to be Stassi’s best friend. Tom wonders why he’s being questioned when Kristen is an emotional and mental liability. Katie seems to think he should be over it.

Tom gets loud and everyone calls him a nut.

Next time, Britney arrives and Schwartz gets a ring for Katie.

Hope everyone’s Christmas wishes came true! Ho-ho-ho!

Dec22

December 21, 2015 — GH and a Ruling Vanderpump

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What I Watched Today

(random, rambling thoughts on today’s TV)

 

General Hospital

Jason and Elizabeth see each other at the gala. Elizabeth says she’ll leave, but Franco comes along and says if anyone should leave, it’s Jason. Elizabeth tells Franco he must have wanted to see her humiliated, but he says he’s probably the only one who doesn’t want to see that. Obrecht is delighted to see Franco, and tells Elizabeth it’s mandatory to attend the gala or she’ll be working a double-shift on Christmas.

Sam shows up in a Moto jacket and jeans. Maxie asks if she’s making a statement, and she says no, she just wants to get the check to Alexis and get out. Christina and Molly make stupid poses as Dillon takes pics.

Ava is looking at the stuff for the silent auction. Paul comes up behind her and says he wants to place a winning bid, but I don’t think he’s talking about the auction. She asks if he’ll escort her to the gala.

Sonny is on the phone talking about a guy at Ava’s art gallery. Carly comes downstairs in a magnificent navy blue sparkly dress and chandelier earrings. She tells Sonny he best get ready for their first event as newlyweds, but he says something came up.

Jerry tells Patrick that Robin was shot before he got there and he has the picture to prove it. I’m not buying this in the least. I think Henrico and Robin faked the photo. It looks awfully staged.

Paul says that escorting a known criminal isn’t good for the DA’s image, so he and Ava will have to keep things “under the covers” for now. They make a date to meet later.

Tracy tells Nina you have to watch out for the Jeromes, since they always have a hidden agenda.

Alexis tries to get Sam to stay, but she says the first people she saw were Jason and Elizabeth, so no thanks.

This is probably needless to say, but everyone looks fabulous in their formalwear.

Sam tries to cut out. Alexis tells Julian she’s going through a rough time and they have to be supportive. Laura sees Sam and says she wants to apologize.

Jerry says not his fault. It was all Helena’s doing. Patrick says Robin knew she was going to die from what she said during their last phone call. Jerry is such a tool, he tries to blame the Scorpios for not looking for Robin hard enough. Anna and Patrick are basically chatting and I’m wondering why someone isn’t pummeling Jerry.

Sam tells Laura no worries; she knows Laura had her reasons.

Michael tells Sabrrrina that he’s concerned about something Sonny said regarding Carrrlos.

Jason tells Monica he wants to give Carly back her phone (what’s he doing with her phone?), but he thinks she’s hiding from him so he’ll stay longer.

Julian asks Sam to stick around because he wants to talk to her and her sisters.

Tracy makes a little speech about Toys for Tots and introduces Paul. Paul is waiting in the wings and gets an envelope with panties and a hotel key in it. He shoves the panties into his pocket, so I’m sure this will cause an embarrassing moment later.

Sonny says he’s having Ava checked out and he’s waiting for his calls to be returned. Carly says she knows why he’s not going and it has nothing to do with work.

Paul talks about the gun amnesty program and how Monica has offered a thousand dollars per gun turned in. He says he hopes Monica has her checkbook ready since 99 guns have already been turned in. Paul thanks Tracy for welcoming him back into her life again. Rico Suave!

Sonny says if he can nail Ava, he can turn around the custody case. Carly thinks he just doesn’t want to go because he’s in a wheelchair. He says when he can dance with her, he’ll go out with her. She says they’ve had a few turns at first man and wife dances, but the fifth one will be the best.

Julian tells the girls that he wants to propose to Alexis, and asks their permission.

Sabrrrina is with Felix and the toys. She’s pretending she’s been recruited to help, but she’s really hiding from Michael.

Monica asks Michael if he has a sonogram picture. He just happens to be carrying it in the pocket of his tux. She looks at it and says there’s something wrong.

Laura tries to apologize to Jason, but a drunk Elizabeth interrupts. She says she hopes Laura has more luck with forgiveness than she did and tells him Laura was in on the deception.

Robert wants to know where Robin’s body is. Anna says they’ll kill Jerry slowly if he doesn’t comply. Two guys with guns come in and Jerry tells them to show them Robin’s body and then kill them. Um…Anna and Robert have guns too.

Sam tells Julian he has her vote. Christina says she’s in too. Alexis comes by and Christina says Molly was arguing with him. Alexis is like, oh come on now. Molly says Julian needs to come clean and works her “yes” into the conversation. She tells Alexis she hopes Alexis loves Julian enough to accept what he’s going to tell her.

The girls say “hi” to Carly and Sam sees Jason across the room with Elizabeth and Laura. Christina says Sam looks a little sad and Sam says it will take time to get over everything and she’s got to go.

Elizabeth tells Laura to take some of the burden of Jason’s rage. Laura apologizes to Jason for not telling him who he really was and he says she can make it up to him by not letting Elizabeth drive home.

Carly tells Jason he’s clearly not having a good time and she releases him from his duty as a guest.

Monica wonders why Sabrrrina hasn’t said she’s further along.

Sabrrrina tells Felix her worries about Michael. Felix says there’s no way he could know about Carrrlos being the baby’s father and he must have wanted to talk about Sonny getting shot. A Santa comes into the room with more toys and Felix leaves. I’ll bet I know who that Santa is. And I’m right. It’s Carrrlos!

I can’t believe the Scorpios just put down the guns without an argument. Anna causes a little disruption as the gunmen are leading them out and Robert gets his gun back. Jerry curses them out and basically runs.

Carrrlos tells Sabrrrina he’s leaving the country with a new identity and that he wanted to see her one more time. He gives her the information to find him. Michael knocks at the door.

Christina visits Sonny (that was a quick party!). He’s looking at photos and she asks if he’d like company going down Memory Lane.

Paul tells Tracy he has something to give her after the gala. Dillon takes their picture and Paul gets a phone call. It’s Ava asking if he got her gift and asks him if he’d like to know the room number that goes with the key. Of course he does, and she tells him not to be too long.

Obrecht tells Nina she’s her only niece and she wants to make peace. Nina is okay with that and tells her Merry Christmas.

Alexis is going buggy, wondering what Julian wants to tell her. He suggests they go somewhere else.

Ever understanding Laura tells Elizabeth that she recognizes that Elizabeth was hurting and wanted to hurt others. Save it for Dr. Phil, Laura.

Sam is having a drink somewhere private and Jason sees her. She says she wanted to be alone, but he doesn’t go anywhere.

Paul goes to Ava’s hotel room where she has a romantic atmosphere with candles going on.

Tracy toasts to the gala’s success. Monica thanks Carly for getting Jason to come. Carly congratulates her on becoming a great grandmother.

Carrrlos says ho-ho-ho to Michael and Michael says he’ll take it from there and gives Santa Carrrlos a tip. Not sure what that was about. Michael tells Sabrrrina they have to talk about the baby.

Julian says he wants to talk to Alexis privately and she asks if it’s that bad. Julian says a bunch of romantic stuff. He says that when she asked him to get his life together, he realized she wanted him to be the man he was when they first met. He gives her a bunch of compliments and says he changed for her because he couldn’t imagine life without her. He says he wants to spend the rest of his life making things up to her and asks her to marry him. She says no. Just kidding. She says yes. More romantic stuff and they kiss.

Christina tells Sonny there are no pictures of the two of them. He tries to sound hip and says some stuff about her putting them on Facebook and the pics going viral. She takes a picture of them with her phone.

Elizabeth thanks Laura for not giving up on her. My, she sobered up quickly. Laura says she wants to find Sam so she can properly apologize. Elizabeth says she doesn’t see Jason either. Geez, give it a rest.

Jason apologizes to Sam for not believing her. He says he should have shown her the same faith and respect that she showed him. Sam asks if he feels he would have been better off not knowing and he says no chance.  He says he doesn’t see her ring and she says she and Patrick called it quits. She says she loves Patrick, but not the way she loves him.

Tomorrow, India Arie will be performing and Carly and Elizabeth tangle.

Vanderpump Rules

I just love that slo-mo stuff in the intro. Not the song so much though.

Ariana tells Katie and Scheana that Peter is planning a guys’ trip to Vegas the day after her birthday. She thinks that the trip “reeks of Jax and Peter,” since they’re both freaking out over having serious girlfriends.

Peter asks Lisa for time off to go to Vegas. Lisa reminds them of the trouble they’ve had every time they go there, including Jax getting a girl pregnant. Lisa wonders why the two of them would want to test themselves, since they’re both in serious relationships. She forbids them from inviting Shay.

James tries to talk to Lala, who hasn’t spoken to him since he rolled in the hay with Lauren.  He tells her about the girls getting something together for Ariana’s birthday and it looks like she wasn’t invited.

Ariana tells Tom that she didn’t invite Lala, Kristen or James to the party. Tom says it seems like she’s not too keen on the guys going to Vegas. In the meantime, Schwartz is trying to convince Katie it’s not a guys’ trip; it’s just a birthday celebration for Peter. Neither Ariana nor Katie want the Toms going to Vegas. Tom tells Ariana he loves her smile and Ariana asks for “macaroni with that cheese.” Ha-ha!

While they’re setting up for Ariana’s birthday party, Peter is telling Tom about how they’re going to be playing with real bulldozers in Vegas. Huh? Tom suggests he keep the plans on the down low and not take attention away from Ariana today. Katie tells Peter’s girlfriend that she’s not appreciating the Vegas trip.

For the party, Ariana is dressed like a Japanese Anime unicorn. Okay. Jax is wearing a seriously stupid giant cowboy hat. The guys are in the kitchen discussing the trip. Tom says he wants to talk to Ariana about the trip, but Schwartz says maybe now is not the best time since she’s having fun on some kind of acrobatic equipment.

The party has a carnival flavor. Ariana says she’s reaching back to her childhood and brining in all the cool stuff she remembers from parties and adding “performance enhancing drugs.” By that, I think she means tequila.

Schaena tells Faith she’s sorry she couldn’t pay much attention when Faith was hired, but she was going through a lot of stuff. She says she feels badly that Lala wasn’t invited, and that she likes Lala, but is having a hard time convincing Katie and Ariana to like her.

Schwartz tells Katie he’s going to Vegas and she starts to cry. Katie says their relationship is the biggest thing in her life, but it seems like it’s not a priority to Schwartz. She says she’s tired of being the one who has to bend in the relationship. Schwartz says after this trip, there will be minimal bending.  I tell her to get used to it.

Ariana and Katie discuss the guys going away. Ariana says she’s trying to make a fun day, but she misses her father who passed away a couple of years ago. I can totally understand where she’s coming from. She says she doesn’t want Tom going away right now because she doesn’t want to be alone. She starts to cry and Scheana comes over. Katie says it’s okay to cry and that she cries during The Price is Right.  I’d be crying because I was desperate enough to watch The Price is Right.

The cake comes out covered in sparklers. Ariana says she’s always wanted an epic birthday party and today it’s happening. Tom asks her if she had fun and she says it’s possibly the best birthday ever.  She says that every year her father would give her Lou Gehrig’s speech on her birthday, and tell her that the day she was born was the best day of his life. She says it’s hard to talk about and she feels like a wimp crying. Tom says he’s always going to be there for her. He tells her that Peter has set up a construction yard with bulldozers for the guys in Vegas. Ariana says there’s no point in continuing the discussion because he’s never going to get it.

The guys leave for Vegas with Peter driving. Tom says he’s gone back and forth, but he hasn’t given Ariana a reason not to trust him. In his individual interview, Jax mentions Miami Girl and we flash back, but I always thought that smelled of a set up. Someone farts. I missed who it was, but it was probably Jax.

Lala asks Faith how the party was. Faith says it was great, but she missed Lala. Ariana and Katie join them, and Ariana gripes about the extra work with the guys gone. Lisa comes in and asks about the birthday party. It’s obvious that Lala wasn’t invited, and Ariana says she only wanted to invite close friends because it was her 30th. Ariana shows a video on her phone to prove other people weren’t invited. In her individual interview, Lala talks about feeling left out and doesn’t get why people treat her mean, even though she knows she’s hot. I could think of a few reasons.

Lisa suggests the girls go out and have fun to teach the guys a lesson. She says she wouldn’t come home until the morning and wouldn’t answer her phone. She tells them don’t get mad, get even.

The construction place is called “Dig This.” The manager gives them a breathalyzer first. Peter is concerned that there might still be alcohol in their systems from the party, but they all pass. Jax says it’s the first time he’s passed a breathalyzer. How many DUIs does he have and why does he still have a license? Yep. It’s a fake construction site where everyone puts on hard hats and bulldozes things.

OMG – coming up is Jax showing his plumber’s crack. Really his whole nakey behind. No thanks.

The guys go to the casino for some gambling and drinking. Tom says he loves the energy of Vegas. I’ve never been there, but I don’t think it would be my scene. I went to Atlantic City once to see Barry Manilow (quit laughing) and I had the feeling Barry didn’t want to be there either.

Oh Lord, we have to see Tom’s bare behind too? And there goes Jax, dancing half nakey in the window. Now he’s pretending to pee on the electrical outlet. We should be so lucky. Tom calls Ariana, who tells him the girls are having a pajama party. He says he misses her. In her individual interview, she says she misses him, but realizes she has some good friends she can talk to. Another one who needs to get used to it.

James tells Ariana that he’s pissed about Jax hanging out with Kristen and now chatting up Lala. Lisa asks Ariana how she’s holding up and she tells Lisa bout her dad’s death and how she misses him during milestone events. Lisa asks why she doesn’t talk to Tom about it and she says she doesn’t want to come off as needy. Lisa says honesty is necessary in a relationship.

The girls get together at Scheana’s place. They play some question game that has to do with sex. Are there any question games that don’t have to do with sex? Ariana and Katie talk about how awkward it was talking about the party with Lisa and Lala not being invited. Scheana calls Lala and asks her if she wants to come over. Lala says she’s just about to turn in, but Scheana says she lives close by and they’re all in pajamas anyway.

The guys are drinking at the disco. Or what looks like a disco. Peter says he’s at the point in his relationship where not cheating is meaningful. Bleh.

Lala gets to Scheana’s. They take videos of the girls kissing and sends them to the guys. Lala makes noises about being bi-sexual. I think. She’s talking in riddles. The guys get the videos and send back a pic of Schwartz and Tom giving each other a peck on the lips, and afterward wiping it off. Jax says they’ve passed every test and now if they just go to bed alone, they’ll be fine.

Somehow, they all end up back at the suite, bringing only take-out back with them. Schwartz gets on Facetime with Katie. Katie says there wasn’t any time she didn’t trust him, but she’s not so sure about strange girls. Ariana seems cool with everything now too.

Tom suggests they go back to the casino and ruin everything. He says that everyone knows there’s that time in Vegas when you need to put your winnings in your pocket and walk away, but now is not that time.

Next week, Scwartz talks about doing something stupid and Kristen claims to not be a crazy bitch any more. I’m sure the latter is up for debate.

This Week’s Quote from the Vanderpump Rules After Show

That never happened…It might have happened. Jax, referring to getting nakey on the Vegas trip.