What I Watched Today

(rambling, random thoughts & annoyingly detailed recaps from real time TV watching)

General Hospital

Anna and Robert cross a footbridge. Anna looks over the edge, and says, that is a long drop. She says, it’s a long way from the compound site, and Robert says, if Pater makes a run for it, he’ll be intercepted. She says, he could try the main gate, and Robert says, in which case there’s a nice group of agents ready to welcome him, but that’s not Peter’s M.O. He’s going to wait for darkness, and slither away. She says she’s not going to shoot to kill, but he says, he is.

At The Savoy, Portia says, as exciting as Curtis’s detective days might have been, she’s glad they’re over, private and otherwise. That’s one thing she and Stella have in common; they both like knowing he’s safe and sound. He says he intends to stay that way, because he certainly has a lot to live for. He kisses her, and a man watches them from across the room. Curtis says, how about a toast? and she says, he sounds like he’s got something in mind. He says he does, and raises his glass, saying, may the past stay in the past. She says, amen to that, and they clink glasses.

At a table, Nikolas and Ava are served champagne. She asks what they’re drinking to, and he says, that depends on her answer. He takes out a ring box, and says, she threw these at his feet when she walked away from him. He opens the box, revealing her wedding set, and says, now he’s asking her with all of his heart if he can put them back on her.

Dante asks where Victor is holding Drew, and Victor says he can take them to Drew’s cell, but he doesn’t know if Drew is still there. Sam asks, where else would he be? and Victor says, Peter bribed the guards to do his bidding. It’s more than likely he’s taken Drew. Sam says, there’s no way in hell Drew would go anywhere with Peter, but Victor says, Drew doesn’t have a choice.

Portia looks at Ava and Nikolas, and Curtis says, let him guess. Not her favorite couple. She says she’s made her peace with Ava, but as for Nikolas, wherever he goes, disaster seems to follow.

Ava says she remembers taking her rings off, desperate to convince Nikolas that the marriage was over. She was trying to convince herself, but never did. She’s missed them. Nothing would make her happier than Nikolas putting them back where they belong. He takes her hand, and says, Ava, my wife, I love you – he puts the rings on her – with all that I have and all that I am, now and forever. She gets teary, and says, Nikolas, my husband, I love you, with all that I have and all that I am, now and forever. He says, now they can toast, and raises his glass, saying, to us. She says, to Mr. and Mrs. Nikolas Cassadine. Jason and Britt walk in.

Britt says, there they are, and Jason says he told her Spinelli would track him down. She says, he’s a useful guy to have around, and he asks if this is the way she wants to play it. She says she’s got this, but do her a favor. Don’t go too far in case she needs back-up. She pulls out a chair next to Ava, and sits. She says, mind if she joins them? It’ll be fun, walk down Memory Lane… Nikolas says she’s not saying the fun part, and she says, come on. Not every past association has to be negative. She tells Ava, he used to have the most awful nightmares about his family. Growing up in that nest of vipers would give anyone bad dreams. He would wake up in a cold sweat. She asks Nikolas if his troubled family history still disturbs his sleep.

Anna tells Robert, someone’s coming, and he says, here we go. Valentin and Drew crouch down, and go across the footbridge. She says, it’s Drew and Valentin, and Robert says, damn. She calls to Valentin, and he stands up, saying, Anna. Peter shoots him, and Robert holds Anna back. Drew fires at Peter, who returns the fire. Drew is hit, and falls over the side of the bridge. Valentin manages to make it to Anna and Robert, and Peter jets. Valentin asks if Anna is okay, and she says she’s fine; he’s the one who’s been hit.

Curtis asks Portia, what’s wrong? Talk to him. She says, it’s Spencer’s father. Not that she considers him to be a very good one. He says, he heard Spencer was arrested. He didn’t harm Trina at all, did he? She says, not physically, but he outright lied to her and played on her sympathy, when the whole time, his whole goal was to get back at Ava. Then Nikolas jumps in, playing the same twisted mind games as Spencer – like father, like son – and Trina gets caught in the middle. He says, to hell with that. He has no problem getting them the hell out. She grabs his arm, and says she appreciates the impulse, she really does, but Trina’s close to Ava, and she’d rather not escalate the tension.

Nika asks the watching man if he wants another round, and he nods.

Ava says, Nikolas doesn’t have fears about his family or anything else; not when he’s with her. Britt says, so he’s not concerned about his family’s operations in Crete? and he says, what operations? She tells him, Scotty’s computer was hacked with spyware that’s been traced back to Greece, specifically Crete, but Nikolas says he doesn’t know what that has to do with him. Computer hackers are pretty common these days. She says, this one in particular hits close to home, and Ava asks, how so? Britt says, whoever spied on Scotty, used that information to get to her mother.

Victor tells Dante and Sam, the cells are on the lower level. You go through the door and down the stairs. They shouldn’t encounter any guards. He wasn’t paying them enough to die protecting this place, but he has no idea how much Peter was paying them to betray him, so they’d best proceed with caution. Good luck. He starts to leave, but Dante says, no. He’s their luck. He’s coming with them. Victor says, why? They want Peter, not him. Sam says, right now, they want Drew. Peter will be a bonus, but he’s going to show them the way. Victor says, it seems he doesn’t have any choice, but before they go in search of Drew, there’s someone else who needs rescuing.

Nikolas says, Britt is an intelligent woman. She must realize her mother doesn’t lack for enemies, but he’s not one of them. Ava says, just because Scotty’s hacker was traced to Greece, why assume the Cassadines were involved? Britt says she has to start somewhere, and the Cassadines are the only Greek family she knows, and they’re a family with a pretty sketchy history, so… Nikolas says, he left the island and the family business behind when he came back to Port Charles, and Ava asks if Britt is finished then. This is a big night for them; they’re celebrating. Britt says she’s sorry to delay their big night, but she needs a moment with Nikolas… alone.

Valentin asks, where’s Drew? and Anna asks Robert, where’s Peter? Did Robert hit him? Robert says, running for his life, he thinks. She asks again if he hit Peter, but he says he doesn’t think so. She asks if he saw Drew, and he shines the flashlight into the water. He says, this light’s not powerful enough; he can’t see anything. Drew floats in the water, bleeding.

Anna says they have to move fast, and Robert asks what Valentin’s body temperature is. She says she doesn’t know and feels his forehead, but Valentin says he’s fine. They have to get Peter. Anna says they have to get him to the hospital, and Valentin says, there’s someone else who needs rescuing. She asks, who? and he says, Obrecht.

Nikolas asks how he can help Britt find her mom, and she says, maybe they can help each other out. Ava goes over to the bar, and asks Curtis if he’d mind if she had a word with the good doctor. He says it’s up to Portia, who says it’s fine with her. They shouldn’t be long.

The man watches Curtis go over to Jason, and asks what brings him in; business or pleasure? Jason says, neither. He’s just there helping a friend. He looks over at Britt. Nikolas asks how Britt thinks they can help each other out.

Victor leads Sam and Dante to Obrecht’s cell, and calls for her, but it’s empty. He says, she’s gone, and Dante says, he brought them to Obrecht’s cell first? Victor says, she’s in more danger from Peter than Drew. Sam says, cats have nine lives, but Obrecht must have ten, and Dante says, maybe they just moved her to another location. Victor says he prays she managed to escape. Dante picks up a syringe from the floor, and says, unless she needed medical attention, he doesn’t think she left the cell of her own free will.

Britt tells Nikolas that she heard about Spencer. All those months he and Ava lived in fear, it turned out to be Spencer all along, but some of the things he did don’t feel like Spencer’s style at all. Burning a car is simultaneously cliché and overkill. Nikolas says, he admits he was responsible. Ava was right to have him arrested. She says she asked to speak to him alone because she didn’t want to say this in front of Ava. If Spencer was willing to go to those extremes to separate them, it’s doubtful Nikolas can get through to him. Spencer still likes her, and considers her a friend, even a mentor of sorts. Maybe he’ll listen to her. She’d be happy to talk to him.

Curtis asks if there’s trouble with Britt and Nikolas, but Jason says he doesn’t want to know. Curtis sits down, and says Jason is right; he doesn’t. He was just telling Portia how happy he was to be out of that game. But based on experience, he and Jason know it’s not a game at all, right? People get hurt, and may even die. The man continues to watch Curtis.

Victor asks Dante what they’re standing around there for; Liesl’s in great danger. Dante says, Obrecht is going to be just fine. Like Sam said, she’s like some crazy cat lady with nine lives. Victor needs to take him to Drew’s cell. Victor says, it seems Sam is one step ahead of them. Dante calls to Sam.

Ava asks Portia how Trina is doing. They’ve been in touch in the past couple weeks, but she’s been distracted. She knows Trina is busy with school. Portia says, she loves it at PCU. As much as she loves having Trina home, she thinks living in the dorms is good for Trina’s independence. Most of her classes are basic courses, but she’s got one elective, art history, and in Trina’s words, it’s epic. Ava says she doesn’t worry about Trina academically one bit, but she wonders if Trina is as grounded when it comes to her social life. She was surprised when Trina put so much faith in the young man who introduced himself as Victor, and turned out to be Spencer. Portia says, Trina hasn’t told her too much about it, but she knows it’s been difficult. Spencer made Trina question her own judgment. Ava asks if Portia blames Spencer’s father for what Spencer has done, and Portia says she thinks he played a pivotal role in driving Spencer to his outrageous behavior. She knows Ava is in love with Nikolas, and doesn’t expect Ava to see it her way, and Ava says, she loves Trina too, and hates that she’s been dragged into such a dysfunctional situation. Spencer didn’t just lie and manipulate; he broke the law. That’s why she’s making sure he pays for what he did. Portia says, by having him arrested? and Ava nods. Portia says if Ava thinks she supports that decision, she’s mistaken. She disagrees.

Curtis asks Jason how Sonny is, and Jason says, he’s glad to be back. Curtis says, nine months is a long time. It’s got to be an adjustment coming back. Jason says, he’s doing okay, and Curtis says, Nina told him a little bit about what happened. He’s not defending her in any way, but Nina was there when Michael and Willow came in the other night. Let’s just say, pretty frank opinions were exchanged. Jason says, Michael has a right to his opinion, and obviously Curtis has a right to his. Curtis tells Jason, like he said, he’s not defending her, but he believes she’s deserving of another chance.

The watching man asks Nika, when is the first set? but she says, she’s sorry. There’s no live music tonight. He says, that’s too bad. What kind of acts do they book here? She says, it’s a pretty eclectic mix, and he asks who books the acts; the owner, or do they have a booking agent? She tells him, the owner does it himself, and points Curtis out.

Valentin says he didn’t want to die in Greece, and Anna says she’s not going to let him. Talk to her about Charlotte. He says, Charlotte’s a good girl. She wants a new horse. She wants to keep the pony – she loves that pony – but she’s ready for a jumper. He has his eye on a thoroughbred who used to be a racehorse. Real disappointment, but he thinks he can get a good deal, and wants to give him a second chance. He thinks everybody deserves a second chance, doesn’t she? She says, yeah, and he says he thinks there’s a good chance she’s going to have to tell Charlotte what happened here. Promise him she’ll do it. Charlotte admires her. And Bailey. That sweet thing is never going to know him. Promise him that she’ll tell his children that he loves them. She calls to Robert, telling him, get over here. She doesn’t think Valentin can hold on much longer.

Britt says, Spencer spent his entire life in the lap of luxury, so if he’s willing to spend an entire night in jail, that means he’s really dug in on his position. Maybe he needs to talk to a more neutral person who can help him find a way to apologize and also save face. It doesn’t hurt to try, right? She helps him, he helps her. It’s a win-win. He says if she wants to visit Spencer in jail, he can’t stop her, but they don’t have a deal. She asks, why not? and he says he admires her devotion to her mother, but he meant what he said; he can’t help her. His family sold off their holdings in Crete years ago. She says, which means his family used to have properties there.

 Dante tells Victor, no funny stuff. Victor had better be taking him to Drew’s cell. Victor says he is, but that doesn’t mean Sam’s found it. They go into Drew’s cell, and Sam is there. Dante tells her not to take off like that again, and she says she’s sorry. When she saw that syringe, she was afraid that whatever happened to Obrecht, happened to Drew. Victor says, Peter doesn’t need drugs to control Drew. He has something far better. Dante asks what he’s talking about, and he says, Drew’s conditioning is still active. Sam says he’s wrong. Drew had an operation and the conditioning is gone. Victor says, Faison was either greedy or prudent, depending on your point of view. He installed a shortcut, a simple image or phrase that can activate the conditionings. A trigger known only to Faison, and now it appears, to Peter. Dante asks if Victor knows this for sure, and he tells Dante to ask Robert or Anna. They were at the tavern in Panapolia (sounds like – I still don’t know if that’s right). Dante says they know that place, and Victor says, a masked gunman ambushed them, and when they fired back, the gunman retreated. Coincidentally, the next morning, this morning, Drew was found with a bullet wound. Don’t worry. It’s nothing serious, just a graze, but it appears Drew is completely under Peter’s control. Sam says, not completely, and points to Scout’s name on the wall. She says, he remembered his daughter’s name. Peter hasn’t won.

Nikolas says, the Cassadines used to own property in Crete, but sold them. It’s all part of public record. Britt says, stop acting like they’re talking about a three-bedroom bungalow in a nice neighborhood in a good school district. The Cassadines don’t buy normal homes like other people. They go after creepy caves, and volcanoes, and offshore islands with their own private harbors. He says he’s not going to deny the Cassadines think big. His grandfather built a retreat there before he was even born. She says, okay. Now they’re getting somewhere. Can he tell her how to get there? He says, what’s the point? They sold it a long time ago. It was converted to a monastery at one point, famous for it’s vineyards. He’s been told the wine is to die for. She says she hopes not for her mother’s sake, and he says she could take her Holy Orders and become a monk, but they’re pretty old school there; men only. Besides, it’s in the middle of nowhere. The only thing close is a tiny village, with a church, a post office, and a tavern. Then there’s nothing for miles.

Robert and Anna go back to the tavern, and Robert says they’re lucky they’re in a place where the bars stay open late. He could use a drink or two. Anna says she should have stayed with Valentin, and Robert says, come on. He’s been airlifted to the Consulate hospital. She says, with his life hanging by a thread, and he asks what she thinks she’s going to do? They have a ton of stuff to focus on there. He orders two glasses of ouzo, and the guard/agent comes in. Robert says he asked the agent to keep an eye on Sam and Dante. Where are they? The agent regrets to inform Robert that he didn’t complete his assignment. Robert says, that means what? and the agent says, they weren’t agents. They weren’t here on an op. They didn’t care about WSB protocols. They wanted to find a little girl’s father and bring him home. Robert says, he let them go? and he says he might have gone outside to investigate a noise, and when he came back, they were gone. Robert says he swears the agent is going to be busted down to a parking lot attendant… Anna says, for God’s sake, Robert, come on. Doesn’t he think this night has been bad enough? So what? He showed a little compassion. It’s not a bad quality for an agent, is it? Robert says, he broke the rules, and Anna says she knows agents who have done a lot worse. Two of them are standing right here. The day Robert says rules are more important than people, is the day he turns into a liar. Rules are meant to be lightly ignored, or downright broken, and he knows that better than anyone.

Dante tells Sam, they have to go. Every minute that goes by, Peter is getting further and further away with Obrecht and Drew. Let’s go. Victor starts to follow them, and Drew says, not him. He’s going to lock Victor in there. Victor says they can’t leave him there, and Dante says he’ll send someone to babysit Victor. Victor says, if Peter comes back, he’ll show no mercy, and Sam says, like Victor did for Drew? Victor says, Peter was the one responsible for Drew’s abduction; Peter was behind his captivity. Did he facilitate it? Yes, fine, but does he regret it? Oh my God, immeasurably. In a lifetime of questionable alliances, not the least with his barking mad own brother Mikkos, getting close with Peter was the worst mistake of his life. All he wants to do is live long enough to pay that bastard back; live being the operative word. He knows this place like the back of his hand. They need him to guide them safely out of here. Sam asks what Dante thinks; someone who could actually show them around? Dante says, all right, but if Victor tries anything, he will shoot him. Show them the way. Victor says, follow him, and they go.

Portia tells Ava, if Spencer is convicted, that’s going to be on his record for life. Ava says, that’s entirely up to him. She set her anger aside, went to the PCPD, and offered him an olive branch. She just hopes he was smart enough to take it. Maybe someday, if Spencer gets his act together, he and Trina can be friends again. Portia says she’s going to be encouraging her daughter to stay far, far away from Ava’s stepson. Ava says, because of what Spencer did, or because Trina got caught in the middle? Portia says, neither. It’s because of who Spencer is.

Sam approaches Robert at the bar, and he asks where she’s been. He told her to stay put. She says, they found someone who can maybe help them find Drew, and Dante brings Victor in, wearing handcuffs. Robert says he kind of knew the rumors of Victor’s demise were greatly exaggerated, and Victor says he can explain, but first he needs to know, did Valentin manage to escape? They were separated in all the confusion. Anna says, he was shot in the back by Peter. He’s been airlifted out. Victor asks if they know his prognosis, and she says, he’s critical. Why does Victor care? He’s heard Valentin isn’t a Cassadine. He’s no relation to Victor. Victor says she couldn’t be more wrong. Helena had an affair… with him. Valentin’s his son, and a true Cassadine.

Victor says, she was convinced Mikkos was cheating on her, which of course (🍷) he was. He knows people saw her as heartless and vindictive, but Helena was always far more complex than that. Sometimes even vulnerable. She felt Mikkos was her life partner; her soulmate, if you will. When she learned of his many infidelities, it crushed her. One day, Victor found her crying. He was intending only to comfort her, but comfort turned to passion. One thing led to another. He doesn’t regret any of it. Robert says Victor will have to pardon him if he throws up in his mouth over this, and Victor says, Helena paid Mikkos back with interest. She kept her pregnancy secret, and fostered the child with a local girl Mikkos had already discarded. Then she tricked Mikkos into believing Valentin was his son. He sent Valentin away to boarding school, and forgot about him. Victor felt Valentin was safer that way, so he did nothing to dispute the lie. Anna asks why he wants to claim Valentin now, and he says he knew Peter was going to double-cross him at any time; he was already holding Valentin captive. He didn’t know if either of them was going to survive, and he thought his son had a right to know his father before he died. Anna says she hopes Valentin laughed in his face, and Victor says, he did actually, but that doesn’t make it any less true. She says, father, uncle, random stranger makes no difference to her. If Valentin dies, she’s holding Victor responsible.

Curtis tells Jason that he didn’t know it was so difficult to prove a person was legally alive. Jason says, Diane had to do it when he came back. She’s probably the only person not complaining, because she’s making a fortune off it. Curtis says, but she’s not so thrilled to see Sonny alive that she’s working at a discount, and Jason says, she loves Sonny and she’s like his own, but a discount? Not a chance.   

The watching man asks Nika if they feature acts from the Northeast, or do they get them from all over? He knows she said eclectic, but he doesn’t know if that means style or geography. She says, both. Since they opened, they’ve had acts from all over. One singer came in from London. He says, impressive, and smart. Live music is a great draw. He knows people like to come to clubs with their friends, but when they see a live act, it takes it to the next level. It sounds like her boss knows what he’s doing.

Nikolas tells Britt, his own relationship with his son is complicated to say the least. So even if most people woudn’t understand her devotion to her mother, he does. Maybe there’s something he can do to help. He still has some friends in Crete. He can put in a few and see if anyone’s heard anything. She says, they’re talking about criminals and a possible kidnapping. Does he think his friends will just volunteer information? He says, to a stranger? Absolutely not, but it’s different when it’s one of their own.

Ava says Portia wouldn’t want Trina to be friends with Spencer, even down the line, because he’s a Cassadine? Is that what she means? Portia says, this is no reflection on Ava, but at the end of the day, she wants her daughter safe. In her book, that means keeping Trina away from Ava’s stepson and her husband.

Victor asks if they’ve heard anything from the hospital, but Anna says Valentin’s been gone less than an hour. He would have been taken straight to surgery. She doubts the doctors have time to call them with updates. Victor says, he’s at the American Consulate, isn’t he? and holds out his wrists for Dante to uncuff him. Dante says, he’s not going anywhere, but Victor says Dante knows there are plenty Consulate personnel there to keep an eye on him. Dante says, they might, if Victor actually made it to the Consulate, which he highly doubts Victor is going to do. Just because he’s feeling paternal toward Valentin, doesn’t erase all the bad stuff he did. Victor looks to Anna for help, but she says, there isn’t a chance in hell that he’ll make it to the Consulate on his own volition. He’ll stay here with them, and answer questions. She supposes she could make a call, and steps away.

Britt tells Nikolas that she doesn’t understand why he won’t just give her an address. What’s it to him if she goes to Greece? He says she hasn’t even let him make any calls yet. Not that he’s promising any clues to where her mother might be, but you never know. She tells him to let her know if he hears anything. Her phone rings, and it’s Anna. Nikolas says, maybe Anna has a clue for her, and she leaves the table. The connection isn’t good, and Britt asks where Anna is. Anna says, in Greece. She has news about Britt’s mother.

Robert asks the agent if there’s any news. Sightings? Maybe Peter is dragging around a female hostage by the name of Liesl Obrecht? Sam says, shouldn’t he be asking about two hostages? and Dante says, Liesl and Drew. Robert tells the agent that he needs a minute with them, and he leaves. Dante asks, what’s going on? and Sam asks if he knows something about Drew. Robert says he’s got news. None of it good.

Nika says there’s a customer she thinks Curtis should meet, and he says he’d love to. Any reason in particular? She says, he was asking about live music, and he tells her to point him in the right direction. She sees the watching man’s table is empty, and Curtis says, it looks like he took off. If he comes back, be sure to introduce them.  

Robert says, there’s only one way to the dock, and it’s over the footbridge, and Sam says, that’s where Valentin was shot. What does that have to do with Drew? He says, Valentin and Drew were together. They were halfway across the bridge, when Peter put a shot in Valentin’s back. Drew turned around to draw fire, and Peter put three shots into him. The impact blew Drew back across the bridge and into the water, and it’s a long way. He never surfaced. Dante asks if he’s sure Drew was, and Robert says he is. Dante says, so what he’s saying is he thinks Drew is dead, but they don’t have a body, right? Robert says he has agents combing the area. They’ll call him the minute they find Drew, dead or alive. Dante tells Sam, the one thing Drew has proven so far is that he’s hard to kill. Robert goes over to Victor, and says he’s going to be held accountable for this. Victor says, as he understands it, Robert is retired from the WSB, and is now the DA of Port Charles. This is a little out of his jurisdiction, wouldn’t he say? Robert leans over Victor and tells him, don’t worry. When it comes to the Cassadines, he always makes it personal.

Ava says, she admires any mother who’s protecting her daughter, but Portia does understand how important Trina’s well-being is to her, right? She knows she’s proven that. Portia says she knows Trina admires Ava. She looks up to Ava, and cares for her deeply, which is why she went to great lengths to help Ava with her stalker. Ava senses a but coming, and Portia says, she’d be correct. Now that the stalker situation is over, and Ava has decided to stay with Nikolas, she’s cemented herself in the Cassadine family. She just hopes that connection doesn’t come back to haunt Ava – or Trina.

Nikolas makes a call, and asks if someone can talk. The bartender in the Crete tavern says, it’s not a good time, but Nikolas says, that’s too bad. He understands there’s been some disruption. Tell him everything.

Jason asks Britt, who was on the phone? and she says, Anna; she was in Greece. It turns out, the IP address Spinelli found on Scotty’s computer, was linked to a Cassadine compound where her mother was being held captive by Peter. But guess what else? He’s not working alone. Jason asks, who’s helping him? and she says, Victor Cassadine. He says, Nikolas’s uncle? and she says, yeah, the dead guy. But there’s something else. Jason’s brother Drew was also being held on the compound. He says, Drew was in the prison? and she tells him, Anna said the WSB stormed the place and grabbed Victor, but Drew took a bullet, and is presumed dead. He says, presumed. So there’s no body – again. She says, apparently, Peter shot Drew on some bridge. He fell over the side and into the sea. The WSB is still looking for him, but Anna didn’t sound hopeful. He says, what about Peter? and she says, vanished, and so has her mother. He says, we need to go to Greece, and she says she’s game if he is.

Peter is sitting in a car, and says, are we good? Drew takes off the protective gear he had on under his clothing, and Peter says, between the bullet hits and the fall, they have to think he’s dead. Put the gear in the back, and let’s get moving. Drew gets in, and Peter drives off, smiling.

Tomorrow, Nina tells Curtis, a lot has happened in the last few hours; Terry says, somebody called asking about Finn; Carly wonders why Peter didn’t use this to his advantage; and Jason tells someone that he’s about to leave town.

Vanderpump Rules

In Raquel’s interview, she said she couldn’t believe this was her life. She and James called her mom, and she told her mom that the ring had been in a Tiffany’s box. In her interview, Raquel said, Tiffany’s was where all the princesses got their jewelry. Ariana waxed nostalgic with Sandoval about their first Coachella, and in her interview, she said, it was absolutely magical. She told Sandoval that the engagement had him written all over it. In Sandoval’s interview, he said, seeing Ariana so happy made him want to do something as special for her. Scheana said her boobs were telling her that she had to go home. Brock was disappointed to leave early, and in Lala’s interview, she said, welcome to parent life. He hadn’t seen two of his kids in four years, and wasn’t getting any parent of the year award, even though Scheana thought he was perfect. The Toms discussed the evening, and Sandoval said he wanted to make it amazing or not do it at all. Schwartz asked how much was spent, and Sandoval said it had been $25K. In Schwartz’s interview, he questioned the wisdom of this, since they were getting financing for the new bar, and still had money to raise. It was a significant chunk of change. Sandoval said he didn’t know how to do tiny, and in his interview, he said nothing gave him more joy than helping a friend accomplish a dream. He and James had split the cost. Schwartz said he was so impressed, he was letting Sandoval name the bar. I translated this to be Schwartz’s way of avoiding the name conflict. Sandoval said he hoped Schwartz didn’t feel like he was caving, and in his interview, he said, if it upset Katie, she had only one person to blame. Sandoval toasted to Schwartz and Sandy’s. Ugh. He is not reading any room. There isn’t one other person who’s in love with this name.  

James ran around yelling, Raquel is my fiancé! Schwartz told Katie that he was impressed, and let Sandoval name the bar. Unfortunately, Sandoval still wanted Schwartz and Sandy’s, but he’d learn to love it. Katie said he’d made a leap forward, and took ten steps back, but he said it would grow on her. In her interview, she said, the only thing she wanted growing on her were her hair and fingernails. LVP called James, and wanted to know the details. She asked which Tiffany’s he’d gone to, but he said, it was a Tiffany diamond; he hadn’t gotten the ring Tiffany’s. The only person not at the engagement was Max. She said she didn’t know how ready Max was to reestablish their relationship, and we flashed back to James being a d*ck. In Lisa’s interview, she said Max was done, but she thought James needed Max on his side.

Katie went over fertility stuff with Schwartz, who was instructed to put a specimen in a jar. In Katie’s interview, she said, having a family was something they’d always planned for, and it was important for Schwartz to be present 100% of the time. She got together with Lala, and a couple of fitness trainers for a session of electromagnetic stimulation. In Lala’s interview, she said, becoming a mom meant your body wasn’t your own. Ocean was out of her, but still attached to her boob 24/7, and it was hard not to feel like some sort of farm animal. She’d heard the a few minutes of the stimulation was the equivalent to hours at the gym. Was she taking the easy way out? Yes. If this is true, why aren’t we all doing it? They got hooked up and zapped, and Lala said it was like nothing she’d felt before. Katie said it felt like every muscle was contracting all at once, and in her interview, suggested using the bathroom before a session. Katie and Lala discussed the fertility issue, and in her interview, Katie said, when everyone around you was getting pregnant, and you weren’t, it was added stress. Meanwhile, Sandoval went to lend moral support to Schwartz – i.e. stand and wait while Schwartz created his specimen. Sandoval came in and asked how Schwartz liked his eggs. Fertilized? Ugh again. He also brought a helpful kit, containg lube (for obvious reasons), a Gwyneth Paltrow vagina candle (on loan), and a face mask (don’t ask). Then he waited while Schwartz… 16 minutes later, Schwartz emerged, and said he’d had raw determination, which was probably not his best choice of words.

Katie asked about the playdate with Summer Moon, and Lala said it was wonderful. She told Katie that since Brock hadn’t spoken to his kids in four years, she thought Scheana was running the risk of him being done with both her and the baby if things didn’t work out. Scheana had a pattern of ignoring the signs, and she was worried for Summer Moon. In Lala’s interview, she said now that she was a mom, she looked at things differently, and told Katie that the stakes were higher; it’s just different. James made Raquel bring a gift to Max when she went to work. In his interview, he said, he’d apologized a million times. He’d gotten Max an Oculus, since they’d played together back in the day. It was the cherry on the apology, and would show he meant it. He didn’t think Raquel should be wearing her ring when she was working, but she said she wanted to show Lisa. In her interview, she said what was the point of having a gorgeous, huge Tiffany diamond if she couldn’t show it off at work and make everyone a little jelly. For the record, I hate when people shorten words like that.   

Puffy! Lisa went to TomTom, and the Toms told her about the engagement. Schwartz pretended to hand her his specimen, but it was really a jar of yogurt. In Lisa’s interview, she said she’d been married for 37 years, and had some experience. She knew what it was supposed to look like. She wanted them to stop joking and jerking, and get to work. Scheana got together with Lala for some shopping, and told Lala that once Summer Moon wore something on Instagram, she couldn’t wear it again. In Scheana’s interview, she said Summer Moon already had 110K followers. She’d passed her dad before she was born. Lala asked her how she’d found out about Brock’s kids, and Scheana said he’d been open about the situation since day one. In Lala’s interview, she said she didn’t care if he was Jason Momoa himself, if he hadn’t seen his kids in that long, she wouldn’t be saying, you’re the one to be my baby daddy. Lala said she didn’t want Scheana to live by Brock’s past relationship, but Randal had a similar situation, and she wasn’t turning a blind eye to the fact it could happen to her. She knew people changed, but she didn’t want to be a dummy, and didn’t want anything to happen to Scheana and Summer Moon. In Scheana’s interview, she said she knew her track record wasn’t great, but she didn’t see that happening. Lala said if one day Scheana didn’t want Brock in her or the baby’s lives anymore, she would hope he’d fight to see his kid.   

Raquel was excited that his and Raquel’s families were getting together, but James was more apprehensive. In Raquel’s interview, she said her family had met drunk James and angry James, and it was hard to know which James would show up. She was close to her older sister Kate, even though they didn’t have a lot in common. Raquel was adopted at birth by her aunt who’d had no luck getting pregnant, when Raquel’s biological mother had been surprised by her second pregnancy. Kate had still stepped into the big sister role. At dinner, Raquel brought up bringing the gift to Max, and said she’d done the best she could. We saw a clip of that, as well as her showing off her ring to Lisa. Max said Raquel might be making a mistake marrying James, but they’d see, and Raquel told Max that James was very remorseful. James explained to the families that he and Max had gone to dinner, and gotten in an argument. He did things he shouldn’t have, and said things he shouldn’t have. Kate said he seemed to have issues sober or drunk, and in his interview, James said his family loved Raquel right away, but with her family it was a bit more of a journey. James’s mom said, not everyone was perfect, rather than chastising him for being an a-hole. Kate said she didn’t want to see Raquel in a situation where she had to fix James’s problems, and in Raquel’s interview, she said, Kate wasn’t always supportive of their relationship because of James’s drinking. Being Raquel’s big sister, she was always going to be protective. Kate hoped James realized that his behavior could affect Raquel.

Katie and Ariana went to TomTom, and Lisa was there with Ken. Lisa talked to Katie about the whole baby thing, and in Katie’s interview, she said, they’d been trying, but after a while, it becomes a chore and like a job. In Lisa’s interview, she said it was probably breaking Katie’s heart seeing Lala, Scheana, Brittany, and Stassi all having babies at the same time. She must feel left out, and it wasn’t something you could control. She asked Katie if the Toms ever suggested they try for a baby, and Katie said, if could have one, they would. Isn’t TomTom their baby? Lisa sat with the Toms, Katie, and Ariana, and Schwartz said they’d had trouble staffing for the new bar. Lisa asked if they had a problem with Katie having a role in it. Schwartz said she wasn’t the most sociable, and Katie said she’d worked for her mother for years, and there were never any issues. In her interview, she said she worked in her mom’s restaurant, and she would love to have a family business. Um… She also worked for SUR, and I don’t remember her ever being a less than stellar server. Out of nowhere, Sandoval said he’d had to endure a public undressing, and it gave him massive anxiety. In Lisa’s interview, she said she didn’t mean to provoke anything. She just wanted Katie to have something she’s invested in. He ranted on about Scheana’s birthday, and how Katie had told him the restaurant name was uninspired. I guess he forgot they’d established it was actually Schwartz who’d said that. Schwartz said Sandoval never got over Stassi’s book signing, and we flashed back to 2019, when Katie cursed Sandoval out because of some text. In Katie’s interview, she said, Sandoval wasn’t traumatized. He was scared about letting someone work at the bar who won’t lie and say he’s a genius. She told him, it was years ago; get TF over it. Then he went on a tirade about Katie’s rage texts, and Ariana said that hadn’t happened in years. In Ariana’s interview, she said, Tom was all over the place. She understands his past experience was coloring the way he felt about him and Katie working together now, but just say that. Sandoval said he had a reason to feel insecure. Katie felt entitled with her feelings (what does that even mean?), and he had receipts. Screw her for making him feel like a psychopath. Schwartz told him to take a walk, and Sandoval said he was tired of feeling cornered. Ariana said he was the one cornering them.

What a baby. I’m not a huge Ariana fan, but I’m glad to see she isn’t just taking his side because they’re a couple.

Next time, Schwartz says all his sperm have misshaped heads, Lala says she’d blamed Raquel for her relationship with James failing, and Lala has a sit-down with Brock.

🌈 All I Have To Do Is Dream…

Tomorrow, Erika will cry more crocodile tears, and Charleston boys will collide with the Hamptons crowd in the premiere of <shudder> Winter House. I’ll let you know how awful it is. I already know it will be. Until then, stay safe, stay never going to crime scene number two, and stay not letting comfort turn to passion. It could result in a really messy situation.