What I Watched Today

(rambling, random thoughts & annoyingly detailed recaps from real time TV watching)

General Hospital

Somewhere in Greenland. Goon3 yells, go get her! and Goon1 runs after Trina. Curtis intercepts him, knocking the gun from his hand, kicking his ass, and tossing him all around the room. Goon3 leaves Spencer on the floor, and jets up the ramp, but Curtis kicks his ass too. Trina runs to Spencer, and tells him, please wake up. Goon1 gets up, and actually moves a chair out of the way to give them more room. He asks Curtis if that’s all he’s got.

Michael calls for an ambulance to come to the gatehouse, 66 Harborview Road. His wife passed out, and she’s unconscious. She has Stage IV leukemia… Yes, she’s breathing. Get here as soon as they can. He tells Willow to stay with him.

Elizabeth asks why TJ isn’t at the wedding. She thought he and Molly would be dancing the night away. He says, that was the plan, but the reception never happened. He got paged to cover for another resident who called in sick. She asks if Willow is okay, and he says, Willow’s fine, thank God. Her mother-in-law, not so much.

Carly sits with a slice of uneaten pie in front of her at Kelly’s. She gets up and asks for the check, and the waitress asks if there was something wrong with the pie. Carly says, no. She just thought being here would give her more comfort. You know, the kind of thing you tell a waitress. Her Great Aunt Ruby used to own this place. She was a strong woman, a survivor. She really knew how to beat the odds. They still use her pie recipe. The waitress says she can wrap it up, but Carly says, that’s okay. She’s not in the mood for pie. She’ll just take the check. She gives the waitress her credit card, but when the waitress runs it through, she says, it was declined.

At the hospital on the phone, Felicia leaves a message for Robert, saying, Andre brought her up to speed about Victor possibly having a biological weapon. Apparently, the Bureau has suspected he and his brother have developed one. Robert would be wise to be concerned about what the Bureau might do next. She knows she is. Call her back. Please.

Robert asks where Agent Hersley took Scotty, and Hersley says, he’s being debriefed. The Bureau appreciates his willingness to be so forthcoming about the activities of Victor Cassadine. Robert says, Baldwin doesn’t have all the facts. Neither does the Bureau unless he can talk to them. Let him out of here. Blocking the door, Hersley asks where all this information was before Scotty started talking. Now sit down and do what he’s been doing best; keeping his mouth shut.

Obrecht says, Valentin’s heartrate is falling rapidly, and Victor says, the pathogen is vicious. He tells Valentin that he may want to reconsider his silence. His suffering is in vain. They will find his companion. It’s a small island. He can’t guarantee the condition they’ll be in when they’re brought to him. Valentin says he told Victor, he came alone, and Victor asks if this misplaced loyalty is really worth it. The pathogen has already begun it’s work. Valentin can already feel it ravaging his body. It doesn’t care about him; doesn’t care he’s a father. He’s merely it’s host, and it’s just getting started.

Carly asks the waitress to try another card, and she does, but says, sorry. Carly says, what the hell? Is she sure the card reader is working? The waitress says, it hasn’t happened all night. Maybe Carly should call her bank. Carly says, maybe she has some cash, and digs in her bag. (Never leave the house without a 20 dollar bill is my motto.) Nina says, she’ll get it, and hands the waitress her card.

Elizabeth says, they came to the Quartermaines to get Carly? and TJ says, fortunately, the wedding was over. Michael and Willow are officially husband and wife. She says she still doesn’t understand the urgency. Didn’t someone explain to the SEC what was going on? He says, Molly tried pulling one of them away to explain the situation, but they didn’t care. Then he was paged to come in and cover, so they had to leave. She says, how much can one family endure? and he says, the last thing Michael and Willow need is another crisis. Still, they handled it well. She says she’s sure it helped that they were legally married, and he says, you could see how much it meant to both of them; they were so happy. Despite the treatments and the disease, Willow looked radiant. Elizabeth says she doesn’t know where Willow finds the strength after everything she’s been through, and just having given birth, and having two small kids. Then again, that’s reason enough to keep fighting, isn’t it? Kids have a way of making you pull it all together and keeping you in the present, especially when you’re with them. He says, Willow’s been so brave. Her strength comes from her family. This time with them has meant everything to her. She says, maybe it takes having kids to realize that. She never thought she’d take quality time with a toddler over a spa retreat. He says he can actually see that with Willow. When she’s with Wiley and Amelia, it’s like nothing else matters. She’s their mom, not… Elizabeth says, a woman with Stage IV cancer.

The paramedics have Willow on a gurney, and put an oxygen mask on her. Brook comes running in, and says, oh my God. Michael tells her, the kids are upstairs… and Tracy walks in. She says she saw the ambulance from the house; what happened? Michael says he doesn’t know. They were talking about Sonny, he was worked up about something, and Willow fainted. Oh my God, it was too much. Is this his fault? I say, yes! and Brook hugs Michael.

Robert picks up the phone, and Hersley says, what’s wrong? No dial tone? Robert says, he had it disconnected, and Hersley tells him to have a seat. It might take a while before his superiors get here. Well, that would be the first time it took anyone a while to get anywhere lately. Robert says, they’re wasting time, but Hersley says he’s not interested in a word Robert says. Not after everything he’s been keeping from the Bureau – his former colleagues. Robert says, this is so stupid. He’s worried about the end of mankind, and Hersley’s worried about whether he’s in the loop. Just let him out of here. Hersley tells him again to have a seat, and Robert asks if Hersley thinks he can keep him here. Hersley laughs, and Robert wonders why that’s funny. He punches Hersley, but Hersley gets the better of him and cuffs him to the bed.

Valentin is in obvious distress, and Obrecht says, his vital signs are too low. She’s going to administer the antidote. Victor tells her to wait, and she says, his haste has caused her to skip necessary steps and protocols. She needs to test the antidote on humans, and she can’t do that if the human is dead. He says, not dead yet, and she asks if he wants to know if the antidote is viable. That is why he kidnapped her, is it not? If he’s going to ignore her expertise, let her go back to Port Charles where she’s really needed. Where she can actually save a life. He asks, what is the point in testing the antidote mere moments into the infection? It’s hardly practical. As a scientist, doesn’t she want to know how effective the antidote is in the later stages? She says, holding off on administering the antidote is putting his son’s life in jeopardy. He claims this is for science, but something tells her it’s not the ethics of the protocol he’s testing; more like Valentin’s endurance of pain. He says, maybe it’s both. Valentin is made of strong stuff. Valentin knows he can end this at any moment. All he has to do is talk.

Goon1 punches Curtis, but Curtis flips him over a table. Apparently, he didn’t move enough furniture. Curtis runs over to Trina, and asks if Spencer is breathing. Goon1 gets up, and Trina says, Curtis… Curtis turns around just in time, and punches Goon1 out, then body slams him over the bar. He checks to make sure Goon1 isn’t getting up, but he’s out cold.

Drew brings Laura in as she pretends to struggle. He tells a guard that he found her, and boss wants him to put her with the other prisoners. Goon4 asks if he’s sure. Victor’s nephew and his girlfriend are on the ship with a baby. The doctor is the only other one here, and she’s in with the boss. He’ll call… Drew says he’ll call Victor, but Goon4 says, it’s against protocol. Drew says he’s just following orders, and takes out his phone. Laura acts like she’s in pain and cries out, falling against Goon4.

Brook tells Michael that she knows the routine, and he leaves with the paramedics. Brook says, she’s going to make it, right? and Tracy says, of course (🍷) she is.

Carly says she’s got it, and gives the waitress some cash. Nina says, those card readers glitch all the time, and asks, how was the wedding? Carly says, it was beautiful. She knows everybody says that about every wedding, but Michael and Willow’s wedding was truly beautiful. They had the ceremony in the Quartermaine living room where they got married before. That first wedding put Michael in a better position so he could fight Nelle for custody. It’s kind of ironic in retrospect that Nelle gets credit for Michael and Willow coming together. That’s two blessings that Nelle’s responsible for; the other being Wiley. Of course (🍷) in the negative column, Nelle did try to murder Michael, and she used Willow’s dead infant to make Michael believe Wiley was dead. Nina asks if she’s enjoying this, but Carly says, no. She’s just realizing that Nelle didn’t even know she used her dead nephew as a prop. She points this out because Nina has a tendency to sentimentalize Nelle. She thinks it’s fair to remind Nina that Nelle was a horrible person. (Yeah, okay. Let’s not get into how it kind of circles back to Carly in the beginning.) Back to the wedding. It was beautiful. It was wonderful. Michael and Willow stood there and promised to love and honor each other as long as they both shall live. So now they pray Drew finds Dr. Obrecht before the SEC finds Drew.

Robert says, there’s plenty more where that came from, as Hersley dabs his eye with a cloth. Hersley says, attacking a WSB agent wasn’t wise. Robert just blew any shot at getting anyone to listen to him. Robert says, the Bureau heard just a portion of Baldwin’s story about a biological agent. They’re going to bomb that island into the stone age; standard operating procedure. But what they don’t know is that he’s already got a team in place, waiting to take Victor out. He just needs more time. Hersley says, that’s not his problem; not his call. Robert says, call the director, when there’s a knock at the door. Hersley steps out, and Felicia says she was looking for her friend Anna Devane. Isn’t this her room? Robert yells, Felicia! Call Frisco! Hersley dashes back in, closing the door.

While Goon4 is busy trying to figure out what’s happening, Laura runs to the other wall, and Drew punches him out. She asks Drew to take the zip-tie off, and he does. She asks, what’s next? and he says, they don’t have a lot of time before Victor’s people figure out what’s going on. He has to stash this guy before someone stumbles on him. He drags Goon4 away, and Laura looks through a window into the lab. She goes in and looks around. Drew comes back, and says, what the hell? What is this place? She says, Victor’s playground.

Valentin doubles over, and Obrecht says, let her administer the antidote now, but Victor says, try it, and it will be the last thing she does. He tells Valentin that they’re going to find his companion sooner or later. He has to realize the time he’s buying for them comes at a terrible cost. Is he really willing to pay with his life? To leave Charlotte fatherless? He’ll try to stand in for Valentin as best he can, but he thinks she’d prefer her papa. Valentin says, no! They are… Victor says, they are where?

Trina begs Spencer to wake up, and Curtis says, the guards are tied up, but they have to get out of here. Chances are, they heard the noise and will be here any minute. She asks him to help her carry Spencer, but he says, there’s no time for that. They’ve got to go. She says she won’t leave him, and Curtis says he’ll come back and get Spencer, but she says, no.

Victor says, where are they? Who was with you? Valentin says, it’s burning, and his vision blurs. Victor says, where are they? Who are they? Obrecht asks, what use is Valentin to him like this? This has gone too far. Let her give him the antidote. Valentin asks what Victor is trying to save… It’s burning. Obrecht says, Valentin is still Victor’s son. She saw how affected he was when he thought Valentin was dead. Victor says, that was before his betrayal; before his disloyalty. She says, save him before it’s too late, but he says, his son’s intransigence will cost him his life. She says, then he is his father’s son. He’ll die because his own father was too vindictive and stubborn to save his life. Victor says, they’re done here, and drags Obrecht away. Valentin’s body jerks.

Curtis says, slide over and let him help, when Spencer comes to. He asks if Trina is okay. What happened? Curtis says, they’ll do a play-by-play later. They’ve got to find Spencer’s little brother and get out of here. Can Spencer stand up? They help Spencer to his feet, and Curtis asks if he’s good. Spencer says he has to be for Ace, and Trina says, Ace is in one of the staterooms. He’s with some creepy nurse right now. Curtis says, they’ll get him, and Spencer thanks him. Curtis tells them, let’s go now, and they leave.

Willow is in a hospital bed, and outside the room, Michael asks what they’re doing. TJ says he knows Michael wants to be in there to encourage her and hold her hand, but he can’t. Michael says, let him by, but TJ asks if Michael wants him to waste precious time arguing or let him do his job. They’ll bring him in when they can. Look at him. They’ve got this. He promises. Michael nods, and TJ goes in, closing the door.

Brook comes downstairs, and says, Wiley and Amelia are asleep. Tracy says, small favors, and Brook says, some wedding night, huh? Poor Willow and Michael. Tracy says, in her experience, wedding nights are way overrated. Did she ever tell Brook about hers with Brook’s grandfather? Brook says, let’s pretend you did, and Tracy says, there she was, the blushing bride, with the impressive Lord Ashton, or so she thought at the time. She came out of the bathroom expecting Puccini on the record player and rose petals on the bed. Instead, she had her husband, out cold, drunk as a skunk. Brook says, no foreshadowing there, and Tracy says, hopefully, Brook’s wedding night with Chase will be much more successful. Brook asks where that came from. She and Chase aren’t even dating. Tracy says, give it time. After what Brook did for him – actually, what she did for him – the least he can do is make an honest woman out of Brook. Brook says she’s super grateful for Tracy stepping in with the CCRB, but Chase already has his badge back, so why does Tracy think she can still hold this over Brook’s head?

Nina says, what about the SEC? and Carly says, Sonny didn’t tell her that the SEC agents hauled her out of Michael and Willow’s wedding? Nina says, he did mention it, and Carly says, it turns out the SEC are more interested in Drew than they are in her. When she couldn’t tell them where Drew was, they threatened to hold her overnight. Fortunately, Drew’s name turned up on a manifest going from San Diego to Hawaii. Nina asks how she managed that, and Carly says, if Sonny didn’t tell Nina, she’s not getting into it. The problem is, when the SEC realizes Drew isn’t in Hawaii, they’re going to resume their search. And if they find Drew before Drew finds Liesl… Hopefully, Drew has a big enough lead, but all they can do right now is hope. Anyway, back to the wedding… Nina says, that’s okay. She’s heard enough about the wedding. Carly says, Willow’s happy, very happy, when Ava comes in. She tells Nina, sorry she’s late, and asks Carly, how was the wedding? Carly says, that seems to be everybody’s favorite topic of conversation, forgetting Nina just said she’d heard enough. The wedding was beautiful, Avery did a great job, and it was a lovely evening for everyone who was invited. Carly’s phone rings, and she heads out, asking them to tell the waitress to keep the change and the pie. Ava asks, what did Nina do to Carly now?

Outside on the phone, Carly asks Michael, what’s going on? He says, Willow collapsed. They’re at GH. Carly says she’ll be right there. She looks inside at Nina sitting down with Ava, and leaves.

Drew says, they should keep moving, but Laura says, the guard told them Liesl was here with Victor. He probably wants her for her medical knowledge, right? Why else would she be here? He says, they’ll figure it out later. They have to find Valentin. She picks up the cannister, asking, what’s this? and I yell, put that down! He goes over to her, and she says, it’s written in German. He wonders what it says, when Victor and Obrecht arrive with the Goon team. Victor says he’s sure Dr. Obrecht will be more than happy to translate.

Tracy asks what Brook means, hold it over her head, and Brook says, Tracy already knows. When does she plan to cash in? Tracy says, Brook is just like her father, always thinking of things in terms of money and exchange, like they’re all little stocks that go up and down. Brook says, so Tracy was happy to help Chase. She just did it out of the goodness of her heart? Tracy says, maybe it occurred to her that it might come in handy to have a police officer in her debt. Brook says, Chase owes Tracy nothing. It was all her. She’s the only one who owes Tracy. Tracy says she just wants her family to be happy and healthy. She didn’t do it for Chase. She did it for Brook, and for what she wants out of their relationship… They see Wiley coming down the stairs, and he asks Brook, where’s his mommy?

TJ tells Elizabeth some medical stuff, and says, she seemed so happy. Elizabeth says, she wanted that wedding more than anything. It must have been more than she could take. In the hallway, Michael flashes back to the wedding, and Willow telling him how she was falling in love with him. Since then her love has only grown, and she’s fulfilled in ways she never thought possible because of him and their kids.

Ava looks at the menu, and tells Nina, the problem is that Kelly’s doesn’t serve martinis and she could really use a martini right now. Nina suggests she try a hot chocolate, and the waitress comes. Ava gets a black coffee, and Nina orders a decaf latte. Nina thanks Ava for meeting her, and Ava says, of course (🍷). Nina sounded concerned and worried. What’s going on with her and Carly? She didn’t crash the wedding, did she? Nina says, she didn’t, but someone did. It seems that when the government’s money is on the line, the SEC bureaucrats act with lightning speed. Ava says, the SEC showed up at the wedding? That’s terrible for Willow, but it’s more or less what Nina wanted. Nina says, that’s not what she wanted. She didn’t want to ruin Willow’s wedding, and didn’t know they were going to freeze all of Carly’s assets. Ava says, ouch. Nina better hope Carly doesn’t find out who snitched. Nina says she spoke to Martin, and he assured her the SEC won’t trace it back to her. Ava says, so Nina’s in the clear. Forget the coffee; let’s go get some champagne. Nina says, Ava doesn’t understand. Carly isn’t the only one facing consequences. Drew could be facing charges too. Ava says, Nina knew that would happen when she turned them in, but Nina says she didn’t know Drew would be out there somewhere trying to save her daughter’s life.

Victor says, Mr. Cain, as he lives and breathes. He had a hunch Laura might be part of his son’s entourage, but Drew’s presence is a real bonus. It’s kind of a full circle moment, since he’d hoped Drew would provide him with this location, but Drew failed. Drew says, actually Victor failed to access his memory, and Victor says, it’s still a pity all the years Drew wasted, pointless, because here he is. Drew lunges for him, but the guards grab him, and Victor asks if he’s still trying to take on the world single-handedly. Laura slips something into her pocket from the lab table, and Victor asks when Drew will ever learn. He turns his attention to Laura, and says, she’s butting in where she’s not wanted, as always. This is a bit of a full circle moment too. Her… here… with him… at the very end. She asks what he means, the very end?

Hersley asks if Robert wants him to gag him too, and Robert yells for Felicia to call Frisco. It’s a matter of life and death. The Bureau knows about the virus. Call off the emergency protocol. Anna and the others are on the island. Hersley puts tape over Robert’s mouth, and Felicia gets on the phone.

Through his blurred vision, Valentin sees a woman come in. He says, Anna? but it’s Helena, who says, no, my son. Someone so much more important to you.

Outside Ace’s room, Curtis tells Spencer and Trina, remember the plan, and play it cool. They get the baby, then they get out. He tells Trina to watch the door, and asks if they’re ready. Let’s do it. He opens the door, and sees the weird nurse knitting next to Ace’s bassinette. She asks what they’re doing here. She wasn’t informed of a visit. Curtis says, step away from the baby. Do it now. She does, and Spencer takes Ace and leaves. Curtis looks at Trina, and she jets after them.

Brook tells Wiley that his mommy wasn’t feeling well, so daddy took her to the doctor. He asks who that lady is, and Brook says, that’s Aunt Tracy. She was at the wedding. She’s really nice. Tracy says, her little boy is Wiley’s Uncle Ned. Actually, he’s not so little, but when he was Wiley’s age, he really liked trains. She hears Wiley likes trains too. Brook says, and horses, and Tracy says she loves horses too. But she loves stories more. Brook says, Wiley loves stories too, and Tracy says she was just about to tell Brook a story. Does he want to help? Wiley sits by her, and she says, one of her favorites is The Miller’s Tale (from Canterbury Tales and not for children)… and there’s also the one about the little pigs. Wiley says, yeah, and she says, once upon a time, there were four little pigs… Wiley says, there were three little pigs, and Tracy guesses she’s bit rusty. Wiley asks when mommy is coming home, and Tracy says, when she’s had a chance to rest a while. Brook says, that’s right. Then she can come home to him and his baby sister. Tracy says, while they wait, she’s going to tell Wiley about that fourth pig he’s obviously forgotten about, and Wiley gets all excited.

Carly sees Michael at the hospital, and asks, how’s Willow? He says he can’t lose her, and she says, he won’t. He says he’s been trying to prepare himself, but he can’t do this. Carly says, he and Willow are going to get to the other side of this; she knows it. She hugs him.

Ava says, Drew went after Victor? and asks Nina, how did Drew find him? Nina says she doesn’t know all the details, but knows they tracked the Haunted Star to Greenland; that’s where Aunt Liesl and the others are. Ava asks if Portia knows. What about Laura? Nina says, Laura and Curtis went with Drew, and Sonny told her that Drew went specifically to bring Aunt Liesl home. Ava hopes he brings them all home, and Nina says, her too, but when Drew comes back… Ava says, there are going to be a couple of SEC agents waiting for him, huh? and Nina says, after putting everything on the line to save Willow, Drew’s going to come home to the SEC sifting through his business, and possible jail time. He could lose his company. His whole life that he built since he managed to escape from Victor, and it’s all because of her. Ava asks if Nina wants to know what she thinks, and Nina says she does. Ava says, people contain multitudes, and Nina says, meaning… Ava says, people are full of contradictions. Drew may be a hero, and may also deserve to go to prison. That ain’t Nina’s problem.

Victor says, the pathogen will be released on the world, and this suffering can finally come to an end. It’s quite merciful really. Laura says, that’s why he murdered Luke? So he could unleash his poison? Victor says, as much as he’d like to take credit, his brother Mikkos developed the pathogen several decades ago. It was only after Victor got the Ice Princess necklace that he was able to locate this facility. Drew says, decades ago? and Victor says, his brother was way ahead of his time. Laura says, his brother was a maniac, but to Drew’s point, what makes him think a pathogen created decades ago is still going to work? Victor says, now that is an excellent question. He thinks they’ll just have to see for themselves. Victor turns on a TV set, and they see Valentin shaking in the chair. He says, his son was administered the pathogen earlier this evening. Not so long ago, isn’t that right, Liesl? Obrecht nods, and Victor asks if they doubt the pathogen now.

Valentin says, Helena? and she says, yes, my son. Soon we will be together. He says, please, and she says, he thinks she’s the angel of mercy; that she’s here to save him from a painful, agonizing death. Does he believe she’s come to transport him to those fluffy clouds of heaven? Oh her poor, dear, twisted boy. She’s here to drag him down, down where he belongs… with her… for eternity.

Nina asks if Ava doesn’t think she’s being a little harsh, but Ava says, the fact is, despite what Drew is doing to save her daughter, he and Carly did break the law. Nina says, that’s right; they broke the law. It’s not like they’re perfect citizens either though. Ava says, doesn’t she know it, but what’s done is done. Nina can either let guilt paralyze her, or since Carly won’t be able to be there, be there for her daughter. The choice is hers.

A nurse brings lab results to TJ, and he asks her to thank the lab for rushing it. He and Elizabeth look at them, look at each other, then look at Willow.

Brook covers Wiley with a blanket, since he’s fallen asleep on the sofa. She thanks Tracy, and Tracy strokes Wiley’s hair, saying, sleep, little one.

TJ comes out, and Michael asks if he has any news. TJ says, yes.

Valentin tells Helena, go straight back to hell. He’s not going anywhere with her. She says, not yet, but soon. His father has all but sealed his fate. I have to say, she looks pretty good for being 110.

Felicia tells Hersley, open up. She has his supervisor on the phone. He opens the door, and she hands him the phone. She asks if Robert is all right, and takes the tape off his mouth. He says he knew she’d come through, but she says, he doesn’t understand. Frisco was replaced as director. She got through to him, and told him that Laura and the others were on the island, and Frisco refused to give the order to destroy the island, so the governing board replaced him on the spot. And the new director gave the order to destroy the island. He says, along with everyone on it.

Curtis tells Spencer and Trina, the seaplane is docked on the other side of the island. Do they think the two of them can make it there with the baby? Trina says, what about him? and he says he didn’t come alone and he’s not leaving without the rescue team. Spencer says, there’s a team? but Curtis says he doesn’t have time to explain. Take the baby and get out of here right now. He’ll be behind them as soon as he can, he promises. Spencer says, not until Curtis tells him who else is on this island, and Curtis says, Drew Cain, Valentin, and Laura.

Laura says, Victor is insane, and like any insane person, he says, on the contrary. He’s welcoming in the dawn of a new world. He looks at Valentin on the screen, and adds, where only the strong can survive. Laura says, are you sure about that? and holds up a vial full of red liquid, presumably what she stole off the table and presumably the pathogen.

My prediction? Curtis gets the hostages and his team off the island, and it blows up with Victor on it. Leaving the door open for his return one day. I’m also really hoping at some point he says, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids.

Tomorrow, Curtis needs to know he can trust Spencer; Robert says, tell him to abort the mission; Victor says, Laura drops it, they die; Michael tells Willow, it’s their last shot; and Sonny tells Nina, somebody messes with one of us, they mess with all of us.

Vanderpump Rules

The Toms, Ariana, Brock, Scheana, and Raquel go glamping at Cuyama Oaks Ranch for Raquel’s birthday. In Scheana’s interview, she says she’s not a camper. She’s never camped, and when she thinks of glamping, she thinks, air conditioning in nature. But if it’s what Raquel wants to do, she’s a team player. The manager leads them to two yurts; one with a king size bed, and the other with two queens. He tells them that everything is solar generated, and they decide to do boys and girls tents. Schwartz says he likes the idea of going to the bathroom anywhere; it’s liberating. They check out the animals there – pigs, chickens, turkeys, and goats – and smash pumpkins to feel to the pigs and goats. When Ariana tries to smash the final pumpkin, it just bounces around, and Brock says, that was anticlimactic.

James meets Lala at her Give Them Lala office, and she says, Katie and Kristina are going to help her with a shoot for the robes. She asks how he’s feeling, and he says, his nice beach day didn’t go to plan. Lala says, she doesn’t love the throwing of the drink, but just looking at Schwartz is so embarrassing, and don’t get her started about Sandoval. Lala tells him that Raquel slept at Sandoval’s while Ariana was out of town (🚩); Katie called her. In Lala’s interview, she says, let’s get this straight. Katie was at Villa Rosa tasting sandwiches with Lisa, while Ariana was at her grandmother’s funeral, when Ken drops the mother of all gossip bombs. We see a clip of Ken saying that he can’t believe Sandoval had Raquel over when Ariana was away, and in the jacuzzi (🚩). Katie asks if he’s spreading rumors, and asks how he knows. Lisa says, Raquel came in late and hung over… Lala says, the day before, Lisa was doing a tasting of the new SUR menu, when Raquel rolls up an hour and a half late. We see a clip of Raquel telling Lisa, sorry she’s late; she overslept. She’d stayed up late. She went back to Sandoval’s place, where they got in the jacuzzi with Schwartz (🚩). Lisa asks where she stayed, and Raquel says, at Sandoval’s… nothing happened (🚩), but Lisa says, it doesn’t matter. Just the fact that she was there… Raquel says, it was easier for her to sleep on the couch than try to get home. In Lala’s interview, she says, Lisa can sniff bullsh*t from a mile away, so of course, she calls Sandoval. Lisa calls Sandoval, and tells him that Raquel showed up an hour and a half late, looking like a bag of sh*t. Raquel said she’d gotten wasted, and ended up spending the night at his house (🚩). Sandoval says, they hung out, and Raquel dipped out early. Lisa asks if she spent the night at his house; yes or no. He says, yes, but like, dude, people crash at his house all the time, and Lisa says she’s not dude, and Raquel isn’t people. His wife was away, and she’s a beautiful single girl (🚩). Then Sandoval calls her dude again because he’s just that stupid. James tells Lala that he and Sandoval went to a members only weed smoking lounge. Sandoval told him that he, Schwartz, and Raquel were in the jacuzzi, but she left. We see a clip of Sandoval telling James that they had beers in the hot tub, then Raquel dipped out. James asks if she left, but Sandoval says, no she went to bed in his room… his guest room. I sh*t you not; that’s how he said it. (🚩 🚩 🚩)Lala says, Sandoval needs to take his degenerate ass elsewhere. On Labor Day, she was at a party, and Sandoval’s girlfriend was dealing with the death of her grandmother… We see Scheana’s vlog footage of a party, and in a voiceover, Lala says, the day Ariana’s grandmother died, Sandoval was at the barbecue. Ariana was furious when he said he wasn’t leaving, so he promised to go, but didn’t leave for another two hours (🚩). In Lala’s interview, she says, Sandoval and Raquel were dancing alone at The Abbey (🚩), he stayed at a party with Raquel all day long on Labor Day (🚩), and Raquel spending the night (🚩) leads her to only one logical conclusion. She thinks Sandoval has a thing for Raquel (🏆). James says, damn. Sandoval banging Raquel is just… Lala says, the last time Sandoval was talking about a woman the way he’s been talking about Raquel, was Ariana while he was with Kristen (🚩). We flash back to that, and Lala says, Sandoval and Ariana don’t focus on their relationship. James says, maybe distance works for them, but Lala says, no. Something ain’t right. She thinks something is going on, and she’s calling it like she sees it. (🚩)

Raquel says, cheers to be surrounded by good friends and good vibes. It’s what she wanted for her birthday. She toasts to them, and in Raquel’s interview, she says, these are her true core people; her forever friends. They look out for her and believe in her, and it means everything. How sick is everyone feeling at this point? Schwartz asks Ariana how it was going back home, and Ariana says, it was awful circumstances. It’s weird not to see her grandma. She was funny and sassy and Ariana misses her. She kept thinking she wished she could talk to her. She starts to cry, and Brock says, she can. Her grandma is here with her, and in Ariana’s interview, she says, it’s been a hard year, losing Charlotte, and now losing her grandma. She’s not well. She’s barely hanging on. She asks if anything happened when she was out of town, and Raquel says, there was a food tasting at SUR, and she was an hour and 30 minutes late. Schwartz says, and Lisa said she looked like a bag of sh*t. Raquel says, she and Schwartz took a car to Sandoval’s, they hung out and had drinks. She stayed the night, but she slept on the couch (🚩). Brock says, Sandoval lied; he said she hadn’t spent the night (🚩). In his interview, Sandoval says, it was on the heels of the open relationship rumor, and Schwartz making out with Raquel. He thought it would be better if everyone didn’t know that detail. He was going to tell Ariana, but he should have just told truth… like, stupid. (🚩)

Lala gets ready for the photo shoot at what looks like a swanky townhouse, and gives Kristina and Katie bathrobes. In her interview, she says she’s so proud of Give Them Lala. She relies on it to support her daughter. If her kid wants to go to college one day, that’s what’s going to send her. It’s just about bitches supporting bitches. She’s proud of all of her friends right now. Kristina asks what The Don and Satchel thought about beach day, and Katie says, Satchel doesn’t understand why everyone is so mean to her. Kristina says, it’s disgusting, and Katie says, Sandoval told her that she takes no accountability for the relationship fail. We flash back to that, and Sandoval saying she shouldn’t be with someone for who she wants them to be, but who they are. Katie says, Sandoval claimed she was spreading a rumor about him and Ariana having an open relationship, but Lala says, it’s not that farfetched. She hooked up with Ariana in Tom’s car, and thinks he would have participated if they’d been in a bedroom (🚩). I don’t know whether to be grossed out, or think, I guess Sandoval’s adventurous, but not that adventurous. Kristina asks if Ariana cares, and Katie says, she doesn’t care to question, but cares if people talk about it. In Lala’s interview, she says, something don’t smell right with Raquel and Sandoval’s friendship (🚩). If you have a dude who’s your best friend and been there during difficult times, add alcohol, and you end up sitting on their face. Kristina says she’s doing a Heartspring party in the back garden at TomTom to showcase her skincare products, and Katie says she wants to bring her mom. She’s here to help with the sandwich stuff. Kristina says she loves doing the shoot and hearing about the sandwich stuff; they’re supporting women.

Ariana and Scheana sit in one of the yurts, and Ariana says she hasn’t seen Scheana since the wedding. Schwartz told her about beach day, and how James and Schwartz were fighting. Scheana says, James was like, how dare you bring up the engagement? They ended up going to a bar, and Sandoval confronted Katie about the rumor; Ally had insinuated Katie said Sandoval and Ariana had an open relationship. Ariana says she’s not knocking people who do, but they don’t. Katie had texted her something that day, saying she was sorry, and she wasn’t spreading rumors. Ariana wants to believe her, but doesn’t believe her. In Ariana’s interview, she says she gets that Katie hates Raquel, but Raquel is her friend. She’s been kind, sweet, loyal and a delight since the day they met. 😐

Dinner is a buffet, and Raquel knocks the tub of ranch off the table. She tells Sandoval that he has something on his face (🚩), then says she bit her lip. Schwartz says, that will exacerbate her taste for blood, and tells Brock and Sandoval to be careful. Her type is men who are taken (🚩). Ariana asks what Raquel’s peach and pit were of 27, and Raquel says, breaking up with James was difficult, but she had the balls to do it, so it was both. She also met them through the relationship, but they created their own friendships. It’s super special and she appreciates each and every one of them. Sandoval raves about how proud he is of her for showing more confidence and being badass. Everyone is like, yay! and Raquel says, cheers to 28. Ariana gets a text from Kristina inviting her to the party at TomTom for her skincare brand, and Scheana says, Kristina texted that she, Brock, and Summer should come. Raquel says she wasn’t invited, and Schwartz says, she can be his date. Ariana says, someone’s being bold, and Raquel says, it can be a friend date. She needs to get her sh*t together because her parents are pressuring her about what she’s going to do with her life. Ariana asks about the pageant circuit, but Raquel says she’s aged out. Her big dream was to be Miss California, and be a role model and motivation for young girls. Pageants made every aspect of her life consistent, and now she’s f***ed up. In Raquel’s interview, she says, she’s always been the good girl, and now she’s aged out, so she doesn’t have to worry about her reputation. She’s making up for lost time (🚩). Ariana sits with Raquel, and says, getting through the breakup so well made her more of a role model because of her behavior. Raquel cries on Ariana’s shoulder, and I’m so disgusted. In her interview, Raquel says, the creepy thing about it was the pageant deciding her career path. She told them she was going to be an occupational therapist when she first competed. She thinks her entire life’s plan was mapped out at a young age, and it scares her. She cries, and I feel less than nothing. Sandoval gives Raquel a pair of vintage Versace 1990 sunglasses, and Schwartz says he didn’t get her anything. She says he could give her a kiss, and Schwartz says, to them, it’s lighthearted banter. He feels vilified, but maybe Raquel shouldn’t come. He and Katie are at war. Ariana says she thinks Katie’s mindset is that he’s rubbing her face in it, and Schwartz says he thinks Raquel going with him would add more fuel to the imaginary fire. Sandoval says, tell them to f*** off, and in his interview, he says, Katie is mad, so you can’t come. You said something Katie doesn’t like, so call in sick to Sur. It’s so entitled. Scheana texts Kristina, asking if Raquel can come to the event, and Kristina texts back that Raquel can come. Everyone is all happy… for now.

They have a glamping disco, and Ariana says, Raquel deserves a good birthday. In the morning, everyone heads back to the city. Katie’s mom Teri says she’s excited about the shop. Katie worked for her for so many years; now she’ll be working for Katie. James asks how Ally is feeling after beach day, and she says, James was fighting with everyone. He says he didn’t mean to embarrass her, but she says he embarrassed himself. Obviously, he’s angry. James says, there was no anger behind what did. He’d be fine if Schwartz and Raquel were just dating openly. Ally says he’s confusing, and in James’s interview, he says, all Sandoval can think about is Schwartz. Now that he has his boy back, James is on the outside.

It’s time for Kristina’s Heartspring party, and she tells some of her guests that she started with three lip balms. She was working at SUR at night, and Heartspring during the day. In Schwartz’s interview, he says, Katie is giving him the coldest cold shoulder ever. In his world, they would have sat him down, called him a dirty little slut, and had a few laughs. He guesses he’s staying in the doghouse for now. Lala asks Katie if she thinks she and Schwartz will ever get in a place where it’s all good, but they keep their distance, and Katie says, when he apologizes. Raquel comes in with Ariana and Sandoval, and in Lala’s interview, she says, now Raquel is showing up with Ariana and Sandoval. Maybe they’re a throuple. She feels like she took a hit of acid. She tells Katie that she used to see Raquel as a sweet soul, but now when they’re in the same room, she’s like a very stupid demon.

Ariana sits down with Katie, and says she wants to nip the whole thing with James and Ally in the bud. Katie tells her that James was at Lala’s and said, the other night, he and Ally went to The Abbey, when Sandoval showed up with Raquel (🚩). They all thought it was so weird that it was just the two of them, and she said Ariana and Tom’s dynamic was unconventional to some people. Ariana says, what was repeated to her was that Katie said they had no rules, except for not embarrassing the other one, but Katie tells her that she didn’t say that. Ariana wonders, why twist her words? and Katie says she has no idea. Ariana says she’s excited about what they’re about to get into, and if disparaging stuff was said about her, she’d hoped it didn’t come from Katie. Raquel is one of her closest friends. She trusts and loves Raquel as well as Sandoval. She understands how Katie feels, but she’s not going to say she doesn’t know Raquel. Katie says she hopes she’s a good friend. It’s a personality thing, a character thing, and integrity thing. It’s hard to believe Raquel is a sh*tty person to some people, and a good friend to others (🚩). Ariana says, if she was in Katie’s shoes, she’d feel the same, but doesn’t want to get dragged in to their beef. Katie apologizes, and tells Ariana not to take it as sh*t talking. She didn’t feel it was, and didn’t mean for it to come across like Ariana and Sandoval were in an open situation. Ariana says she’s glad they talked because things get built up. She trusts Katie as a friend and business partner, and hopes they grow closer. They hug it out.

James sits with Raquel, and asks, what’s up? Raquel says, if she’s being honest, when they were at the beach, she felt hurt by James’s comments that he regretted Rachella. She gets that it didn’t turn out like he wanted, but he shouldn’t have regrets. James says, they also need to grow up at some point, and realize past mistakes, and Raquel says she knows he says things to make her feel a certain way and to hurt her; he knew it would hurt her. She doesn’t regret their relationship. He says he has a lot of regret, and she tells him, don’t. In James’s interview, he says, now he sees Raquel was completely wrong for him. Of course he regrets Rachella. It was an epic proposal wasted on her. Raquel says she’s grown a lot, and James says he doesn’t know her anymore. She says, fair enough, and James says, she’s happy where she’s at. She’s grown and done exploration; some of which made her happy, and some not. It’s part of life. She says, that’s why she doesn’t regret anything.

Lala scoops up some Heartspring products, and tells Ariana that she loves free sh*t. Ariana says, this summer is trying to do her in, and Lala says, it kicked Ariana’s ass. Ariana wonders how she hasn’t faked her own death. She doesn’t know how she keeps going. Lala says, she’s getting a business off the ground, and dealing with grief, and she wants to make sure Ariana is good. She was at a barbecue, and Sandoval was there. He’d said Ariana was mad at him. Ariana says, Sandoval couldn’t get a ride because Jason left, but Lala says, Sandoval knew he was leaving and wanted to stay (🚩). Sandoval makes the unfortunate choice to join them, and Ariana says, Lala told her that he knew Jason was leaving the party, and he said he wanted to stay. Sandoval insists he told Jason he was dipping out – Sandoval’s phrase of the day – but Ariana says, he chose to stay. Her grandma died while he was there, and he knew Jason was leaving, but he stayed. Changing tactics, Sandoval says he figured she wanted to be alone (🚩). Ariana says she asked him to come, and he told her that he couldn’t because he couldn’t find a ride. In Ariana’s interview, she says, when her dad passed away, she and Sandoval weren’t even together, and it was a huge priority for him to drop everything to be there for her. They’ve been together eight and a half years, and she feels like he doesn’t think she’s as important anymore (🚩). Lala asks why he didn’t ride with Jason, and Ariana says, Lala wants to know she’s fine with how things transpired. Lala tells her, it’s okay to say she wanted Sandoval with her, and Sandoval says he couldn’t get a car that day. Lala says she was right there, and Ariana says, Sandoval told her that he didn’t know Jason left because he was taking a sh*t (🚩). He’s put her in the position where people think she’s an idiot. Lala says, that’s what she thinks, and that’s what she saw (🚩). In her interview, Ariana says, she chooses Sandoval over everyone. She’s ride or die with him, and looks like an idiot when she’s his number one stan, and he’s not hers. (🚩 🚩 🚩)

Next time, a tasting for Something About Her; Sandoval feels like his very presence annoys Ariana; Raquel tells Katie that her making out with Schwartz is none of Katie’s business; and Katie tells Schwartz that she’s done. She doesn’t need an apology.

🍸Pump That Tini…

Stop by tomorrow for soap, a spot of tea, and some Met Gala talk. Until then, stay safe, stay being the person your dog thinks you are, and stay being leery of those who are a sh*tty person to some people, and a good friend to others.