What I Watched Today

(rambling, random thoughts & annoyingly detailed recaps from real time TV watching)

General Hospital

Sam holds Dante’s hand and says she thought if she kept it together overnight that she’d wake up and find it was just a horrible dream, but he’s here and he’s not awake. And no matter where she looks, there’s someone is telling her that Jason’s alive and Jason did this to him. Laura comes in and asks if there’s been any change, but Sam says, Dante’s the same and her world is in pieces.

On the phone, Finn tells Portia that he’d love to do a consult for her. Who’s the patient?… Oh boy.

Heather says Amy is a nurse. Isn’t she supposed to do more than stand there and watch her suffer? Amy says she’ll be taking Heather’s vitals. They’re just waiting for the doctor. Heather says, why doesn’t she write this in her notes? The next time she touches a patient, wear mittens. Her hands are freezing. Amy says she’ll do that, when Finn walks in. Heather says, it’s so nice to see a friendly face. It’s about the only warm thing in this place. He says his being here is not good news, and she asks if he means for him, but he says, for her.

In the elevator, Molly says she wishes there was something they could do for Sam. She seemed beyond exhausted and so shaky. Kristina says, seeing her big sister like that made her shaky. She’s always been a rock. Molly says, Sam’s still holding up better than she would be, and Kristina says, can she imagine. Your ex-husband comes back from the dead and could be the reason your live-in boyfriend is fighting for his life in the ICU. She’d be curled up in a ball somewhere. Kristina says, all they can do is support her. Starting with getting her some breakfast. She’s got to keep her strength up. Kristina says, Molly’s maternal instincts are already kicking in. She’s going to be such a good mom. This baby is lucky to have her. They get out of the elevator just as Blaze is coming by, and Kristina hugs her. She says she didn’t know Blaze was coming, and Blaze says, her girlfriend needs her. Where else would she be?

Carly sees the headline about Dante on her tablet, and that a manhunt is on for Jason as a suspect. There’s a knock at the door, and she opens it to Drew. She says, he didn’t have to knock. He says he wasn’t sure. He didn’t want to interrupt in case his brother was here. (I see. He’s going to start off in a-hole mode.)

Jason comes to in the boathouse and looks at his wound, touching it gingerly. He groans and sits up.

Finn tells Heather that Dr. Robinson asked him to consult because she’s presenting with a difficult case. Her test results determined she has cardiopathy, which means a weakened heart muscle. She says, no one’s ever accused her of having a weak heart before, and he says, it’s not really an accusation; it’s a fact, and probably the reason she fainted. She says, that’s the reason she was put on those pills? and he nods. He says, unfortunately, she’s not responding to the medication… She says she’s sorry. She can’t possibly concentrate on his beautiful voice when she’s in agonizing pain. She asks if Amy can possibly move her pillow, since she obviously can’t, and Amy adjusts the pillows. Heather says she’s not a doctor, but she’s learned the ins and outs of the medical profession by binge watching Grey’s Anatomy, and she’s also got quite an education over the years from being in various mental facilities. So she feels qualified to ask, why is the Infectious Disease Department’s very own Dr. Dashing checking out her ticker? He says, the two cariologists that examined her before him came back with nothing, so Dr. Robinson asked him to rule out everything else. To that end, has she ever experienced any problems breathing in the past? Heather tells Amy, could she please, higher with the pillow already? No. To the left. Amy pulls the pillow to her left, and Heather says, no, the other left. How many lefts does she have? She asks Finn if they can get Nurse Elizabeth in here. They really understand each other and she’s not vibing with this one at all. (Oh man, she cracks me up.) No offense. She’s sure there’s a few people who really like Amy in this place. Finn asks if Heather can focus for a moment. This is actually important. Her symptoms are important. Heather says she wishes she could, but she’s afraid she’s too distraught. Her complete devastation is swallowing her every thought. In fact, maybe he can help her and, in that way, she can help him. He says, with what? and she says she really needs to see her grandbaby.

Molly tells Kristina that she’s going to see if she can track down TJ and leaves. Blaze asks how Kristina is holding up. How’s her brother? Kristina says, Dante is out of surgery, but he’s still critical. They’re just hoping he wakes up soon and he’s okay. Blaze says, thank God, and Kristina says, it’s a huge relief. Her whole family is here, so Blaze shouldn’t feel like she needs to stay. Blaze says, Kristina is disappointed. She’s sorry. Kristina says, no, that’s not it. She just knows how busy Blaze is and she doesn’t want to be an inconvenience. Blaze says her girlfriend is never an inconvenience. Never. Not a minute goes by that she doesn’t wish she was with Kristina. Kristina says, girlfriend. It seems like that word is much easier for Blaze to say. Blaze says she can’t believe how lucky she is that she gets to say it, and Kristina says she’s lucky to hear it. Blaze says, believe her, if it were anything else, she’d reschedule her morning to be with Kristina, and Kristina asks, what is it about this morning that’s so special? Blaze says her mother.

Carly says, Jason’s not here, and Drew says, but he was last night. She says, yeah, and they go into the living room. Drew tells her, The Invader said that the police were called to search the Shoreline area and not coincidentally, she lives on Shoreline Road. But even without that, he knew Jason would come straight to her. Last night at the Quartermaines when she came to help with the kids, was he already here? Was he hiding out? She says, no, and he thanks her for that. He says, it was good last night. She really helped with the kids and he felt like they were in it together. He would have hated knowing that was a lie. She says she didn’t lie to him, and he says, but she didn’t call him either.

Jason slides himself across the floor and sits against a chair. Danny walks in, sees Jason, and says, dad?

Heather tells Finn, Laura brought little Ace in last night. He’s sick. Finn says, even if her grandson was admitted, he can’t just take her to see another patient, especially a minor. She says, but her baby’s baby was brought to this hospital. He didn’t come here on a tour, so obviously, something is wrong with him. She’s worried sick about what it could be. Please. There must be something he can do. She’s asking him as a grandmother. He says he’ll tell her what. How about she cooperates with him, and he’ll see what he can do for her. She says, okay. Other than the awful pain in her hip, she’s been bloated for a couple of months, which is kind of strange. She asks if Amy shouldn’t be writing this down, calling her ice paws, but Finn says he’ll take it from here. Amy says, good luck, and leaves.

Blaze tells Kristina that her mom called her this morning and asked if she was free so they could get together for breakfast. Given the way they left things, she felt like she had to say yes. Kristina says, Blaze doesn’t have to explain anything to her. It’s perfectly reasonable that she’d want to see her mom. She’s just curious though. How did she sound? Blaze says she’s not sure. Contrite maybe, but their conversation was really short, so she’s not sure. Kristina says, maybe she’s had some time to process and maybe she’s ready to hear Blaze out now. Blaze says, that’d be nice, but she’s not holding her breath. Kristina says she’d be happy to go with Blaze, and Blaze says, even after the way her mother treated Kristina?

Sam sits with Laura, who says she can only imagine how overwhelmed Sam must be with this whole situation, and Sam says, it’s got to be hard for Laura too. She was Dante’s mother-in-law. Laura says she does know what a truly wonderful human being he is. She hopes Sam knows she can talk to her, but Sam says she doesn’t know what to say exactly. It’s like she has all these thoughts roaming around in her head and she just can’t put words to them. These thoughts are swirling around in her head, and she can’t grab hold of one thought or feeling for more than a second. Laura says, that sounds about right, and Sam says she just doesn’t know what to do. Laura says, it’s going to take some time, and a little bit of rest will help a lot. Sam says, it’s like one second, she’s really hurt because Jason could be out there a fugitive, and the next second, she gets all weepy because she’s grateful that he’s alive. Then she has this voice in her head, and it keeps asking her, where has he been all this time? Why didn’t he try to contact her? She doesn’t know. Laura says, it’s very, very complicated, but Sam says, it shouldn’t be complicated, should it? She and Jason were long over before he disappeared. Laura says, yes, but that doesn’t change the fact that he was a very significant part of her life. She loved him. She had a child with him. They share all of those experiences, but she can’t expect herself to see things clearly right now while she’s still in shock. And Laura thinks she is. Sam agrees and says she feels she has to keep it together, if only for her kids. She’d asked the Quartermaines to keep Scout home from school, and she’s sure Danny has read the article in The Invader. Right now, he thinks his father’s the one who shot Dante. How is she supposed to help Danny process this if she can’t even process it herself? Laura says she wishes she had better answers for Sam, but she does know this. If she allows her love for her children to ground her and guide her, everything else just has a way of working itself out. Sam thanks her for saying that and for being here.

Danny and Jason soap look at one another for a moment, and Danny starts to run off, but Jason says, wait. He knows he has no right to ask Danny, but he’s in trouble and he needs Danny’s help. Danny asks why he should help Jason. And don’t say it’s because he’s Danny’s father. Jason says, because the police are after him and he didn’t do what they said he did. Danny says, he didn’t shoot Dante? and Jason says, no. Danny says, swear on it. Swear on something that matters to him. Jason says he swears on Danny’s life.

Blaze says she appreciates it, but right now, Kristina needs to be with her family. She can deal with her own. Kristina asks if she’s sure, and Blaze says she’ll be fine. Just knowing she has Kristina will get her through whatever her mom has to say. Kristina says, okay. She’ll be here when Blaze gets back. Blaze says she’s counting on it, kisses Kristina, and leaves.

Finn says, so for the past few months, Heather said she had ringing in the ears, some tingling in the extremities, and brittle nails. Heather says, which is strange because she always had really strong nails. She’s not saying she had a future as a hand model or anything like that, but does he think that had something to do with her heart? He says he thinks he needs to run some more tests, and she says, he can poke, prod, draw all the blood he wants, but after he finds out what’s going on with her grandson. Laura comes in and says, that won’t be necessary, and Heather says, with all due respect, your mayorship, the good doctor and I have a relationship that’s working just fine without you. Laura says hi to Finn and asks if he wouldn’t mind giving her a moment alone with Heather. They’re long overdue for a talk. Finn says, of course (🍷), and leaves. Laura closes the blinds and turns to face Heather.

Carly tells Drew that her first call last night was to Diane. That’s because Anna Devane showed up with Agent Cates and they told her that Jason was alive, and they had warrant and they wanted to search her house. He asks if that’s the first she heard about Jason, but she says, no. When she got back here when she left the Quartermaines, he was here waiting for her. She walked in her house, and he said her name and she recognized his voice. She turned around and he was standing right there and all she could do was hug him. She realized he’d been shot, so she ran upstairs to get a first aid kit and she came down. She was trying to bandage him up, and that’s when Anna started banging on the door. She starts to cry and says, he didn’t know her mom had died. Drew says, so she told him about Bobbie, and she says she was doing such a bad job at cleaning the wound, she mentioned that she wished she could call her mom and ask for help. He said not to, and that’s when she realized he didn’t know. She told him and she could see it hit his face. She wanted to tell him what happened, and that’s when Anna and John showed up. He asks if Jason told her how he got shot, but she says, no. They didn’t talk about it. He says, the police think he shot Dante, and she says, the police are wrong. He asks how she knows that if she and Jason didn’t even talk about it, and she says, because she knows Jason. He tells her, yeah, that’s what he thought she was going to say.

Jason gets up and tells Danny that he’s just a little dizzy. He’s going to sit over here. He sits on a bench near the door, and Danny asks what Jason needs him to do. Jason asks if Danny can bring him a first aid kit from the house, and Danny says, he was shot, right? Jason says, yeah, and Danny says, then wouldn’t he need more than a first aid kit? Should he go grab grandma’s medical bag? Jason asks if Monica is up at the house, but Danny says he doesn’t know. She might have gone to the hospital. Jason says, don’t get the medical bag. It’s going to draw too much attention. Get a first aid kit from the kitchen or the bathroom and bring it down here. Danny says, sure. He’ll be right back. He starts to leave, and Jason tells him, close the door. He does, and Jason takes his gun out of his waistband and sets it next to him.

Molly says, Blaze couldn’t stay? and Kristina says, no. She was a little surprised at first, but Blaze explained it and it’s not a big deal. Kristina asks if she’s sure. She went from elated to deflated in three seconds. She’s Kirstina’s sister. It’s hard to miss. Kristina says, she went to see her mother, and Molly says, and that’s bad? Kristina says, it’s not exactly bad, but Blaze’s mom’s not her biggest fan. Molly says, that’s ridiculous. Anyone who spends more than five seconds with Kristina loves her. Kristina says, not Blaze’s mother. Not since she found Kristina in her daughter’s bed.

Natalia meets Blaze at Kelly’s Bobbie’s, saying, good morning, and hugging her. She asks, what’s good here? and Blaze says, they’re known for their BLTs and their burgers. They sit at a table, and Natalia says, seems a little early for a burger (never), but a BLT may be too salty. Blaze says, that’s it? She wanted to get together to discuss the menu? Natalia says, if they’re going to end up getting something to eat, they should probably look at it, and Blaze takes the menu out of her hand. She says, this is a Port Charles institution. Everything in here is good, really good. There. They’ve covered the menu. Natalia asks why she’s acting like this, and Blaze says she’s not acting like anything. Natalia is the one acting like everything is the same as always and it’s not. They need to talk. Natalia says she knows, and she’s been doing some thinking. She knows things have changed and there’s something she wants to say to Blaze.

Heather asks Laura not to keep her in suspense. It’s not good for her weakened heart muscle. Is Ace all right? Laura says, yes. Ace has an ear infection, but other than that, he’s going to be perfectly fine. Heather says, fine for a child whose mother is dead, and Larua says, they all agreed… but Heather says, no, they didn’t all agree. Her daughter is gone, and Laura is telling her that her daughter’s child, her grandson, is fine. Just how fine can he be? Especially with Laura having Cyrus Renault and Ryan’s twin in his life. Laura is a mother. How could she not know how critical these early years are to a child’s development? Laura says she’s well-aware of that, and Heather says, and she thinks exposing him to the dregs of his gene pool is the way to a happy and healthy childhood? Good Lord. She might as well have him with her in Pentenville. Actually, a better caliber of people. Laura says, that’s actually why she came here to discuss this with Heather, and Heather says, keeping Ace with her? but Laura says, no. That will never happen. Heather says she assumes Laura came her to apologize for clocking her over the head, but she’s taking her sweet time getting to that, so it’s probably not the reason for her little drop-in. Don’t worry about it. She doesn’t need to apologize. She’s fine. Laura says she came to discuss Pentenville with Heather. She’s soon to be someone else’s problem. She had a conversation with Robert. Heather says, Scorpio? and Laura says, uh-huh. Heather says, how is their little DA? and Laura says, good. And he agrees with her that given Heather’s history of escaping and assaulting, they no longer feel Pentenville is an appropriate place for her. Heather asks if they’re sending her back to D’Archam, but Laura says, no. San Quentin Women’s Federal Penitentiary.

Michael asks Sam if everything is okay with Dante, and Sam says, he’s in critical but stable condition. Michael breathes a sigh of relief and says he saw Sam sitting out here instead of in there with Dante, and thought… It doesn’t matter. How is she? She says she’s not entirely sure, and he says, because of Jason. She says, amongst other things. It’s a lot and it’s nothing she was prepared for. He says, none of them were, and add to that worrying about Dante. She says, that’s kind of why she came out here. She needed a couple of minutes to clear her head. he says, right. He came and he took those away from her. He’ll grab a coffee and leave her to… She says, no. Don’t go. Please stay here. Welcome to her world. There’s always room for one more.

Carly says, Jason would never shoot Dante, and Drew tells her, the police said Dante was in pursuit of two suspects. What if Jason shot at the man who was chasing him without realizing it was Dante? She says, there were two suspects, like he just told her. Obviously, the other guy shot Dante. He says, it’s only obvious to her. She can’t even allow for the possibility that Jason made a mistake. Let alone the fact that maybe he shot Dante… She asks why he’s doing this. Why is he so convinced Jason’s guilty? He says he’s not convinced. He doesn’t know if Jason shot Dante and neither does she. She has no evidence. She doesn’t even have Jason’s account on what happened that night. All she has is how she feels about him and that’s enough for her. She walks to the other side of the room, and he says, it’s the two of them, Jason and Carly. They come first with each other. They always have and they always will.

Heather says, San Quentin. California? Laura says, it’s their professional opinion that it’s the best placement for her, and Heather says, please. Please do not do this to her. Laura says, Heather gave her no choice. She’s proven time and again that she’s a danger to this community. As a matter of public safety, she has to put as much space between Heather and Port Charles as possible to make it highly unlikely that she’ll ever come back again. Heather says, she’s letting Cyrus’s whispers get into her head. She knows Laura. She’s better than this. They used to be friends. Laura says she knows. She remembers. That’s what makes this so hard. Honestly, she’s been struggling to understand what happened to Heather. When they were young, she did some pretty horrible things to people, but she wasn’t this. She wasn’t a killer. Heather says, everything she’s done, she swears, was done out of love for her family. Laura’s a mom. You do things you would never think of otherwise. Laura of all people should understand. Laura says she doesn’t understand, and she never will. All she cares about is making sure Heather can never hurt her family again. Heather says, and there is it. Laura’s family. She laughs and says, this was never about a professional decision between Laura and the DA. It was always a personal one. This has nothing to do with her being a danger to their community. Laura tells Heather that her family is part of the community, and Heather says, damn her family. Ace has brought them together and she knows Laura doesn’t like it. He’s binding them together as grandmothers. It’s about Ace. That poor little boy has lost so much already. She can’t send away the only connection to his mom he’s got in the world. She’s begging Laura, please don’t separate her from the only family she has. Laura says, no. Ace is no longer Heather’s concern. She and Doc are going to adopt him. Heather says she’ll die before she lets Laura and Ryan Chamberlain’s brother raise her daughter’s son.

Kristina tells Molly that Blaze’s mother came in and saw her in Blaze’s bed. Blaze told her mother that she was gay, and her mom’s response was like, the room is messy, and she started folding. Kristina could practically see her brain short circuiting because of the cognitive distance. It was wild. Molly says, that must have been… She doesn’t even know. How does Kristina feel about it? Kristina says, they talked about it ahead of time about her family, so she guesses it wasn’t totally unexpected. Molly says, but experiencing it up close and personal is different, and Kristina says, it was tough. But her mom called her today to talk and that’s a good sign. Doesn’t Molly think? Molly nods, but Kristina says, what? What is she thinking super loud and not saying? Molly says, no, nothing. She hopes Kristina is right. Kristina says she knows what Molly is thinking. Of course (🍷). She’s thinking Kristina is being way too optimistic and this is a set-up for Ally to fall and it’s going to be bad for her, which is bad for them as a couple, which is bad for her, which is bad for the baby, which is bad for Molly because it’s her baby… Molly asks how Kristina even get there from… no. Has she said anything like that?

Natalia says she’s sorry for her behavior when she saw Blaze with Kristina and for when Blaze tried to explain. She’s sorry. Blaze asks if she means that, and Natalia says she does. Blaze has to know that she was totally caught off guard and her response was to completely shut down, but she’s not a fool. She knows what she walked in on, and she heard Blaze when she was trying to explain to her. Blaze tells her that she doesn’t know what to say. She was afraid she was going to go her whole life without Natalia ever saying anything like that. Natalia says she also feels that she should have known what was really going on. And why Blaze would feel more comfortable with a woman right now. Blaze asks what she means, and Natalia says, what happened with Linc Brown was so traumatizing. An experience like that would make almost anyone want to experiment.

Michael says he can’t believe Jason shot Dante, and Sam says, he doesn’t want to believe it. She doesn’t want to believe it either, but they won’t know who shot Dante until Dante wakes up… if he wakes up. Michael says, what Sam and Dante have is something really special. They don’t just love each other; they’re partners in every sense of the word. They work as a team. They co-parent. They have each other’s backs. They’re each other’s best friend. It’s inspiring. That sense of support and responsibility makes their love that much more powerful.

Jason dozes, gun in hand, when Danny comes back. Jason says, he came back, and Danny tells him that he said he would.

Laura says, it’s already been done, but she’ll make Heather a promise. Ace will always be safe, and he will always be loved and Heather can rest easy, knowing she will always take good care of him. But she can never see him again. Heather says, no, and looks super sad as Laura leaves.

Molly says, Kristina asked her for the benefit of the doubt. To trust she’d be responsible and healthy and do what’s right for the baby. So maybe she can ask Kristina to do the same for her. Don’t assume Molly is always judging her because she promises she’s not. Kristina says she can do that, and Molly says, they got into this whole thing because they trust each other more than anybody. Let’s not forget that. Kristina promises and says she loves Molly. Molly says she loves Kristina, and they pinky swear. Molly says, and that trust extends to Blaze. If Kristina thinks she’s worth fighting for, so does she.

Blaze tells Natalia, that’s not what this is about. At least not for her. She’s been with women before. Natalia says, if this is what Blaze needs to heal, being with Kristina, she supports Blaze. Blaze says she can’t believe her, and Natalia asks what she said. Blaze says, who she is, her entire being has nothing to do with what Linc did to her. And the fact that Natalia can’t accept that… She can’t. She gets up, and Natalia asks what she’s doing. Where is she going? Please, just sit down. Let them figure this out. Blaze says she’s lost her appetite and leaves.

Carly tells Drew that Jason’s her friend… No, that’s not true. She doesn’t know if there’s a word to explain how she feels about Jason, but that doesn’t change how she feels about Drew. He says he knows she loves him, and she says she does. She loves him so much. He says, and she loves Jax, and she loves Sonny. She loves Sonny a lot, but none of them will take Jason’s place in her life, let alone her heart. Jason is the one she turns to when she’s afraid, when she’s in trouble. He’s the one who keeps her secrets. He’s the one she counts on. She says, he’s never failed her, and Drew says, what about the last two and a half years when he let her think he was dead. That doesn’t count as him failing her?

Sam tells Dante that she’s gotten so used to him being there, she doesn’t think she ever realized how much she relies on him. She’s got this huge news and he’s the only person she wants to share it with. So she’s going to need him to do this thing that only he can do. Where he backs up her feelings and gives her a new perspective all at the same time. Can he do that now for her? Please?

Danny says he thought about calling the cops, and Jason asks, why didn’t he? Danny says, because Jason said he didn’t do it, and Jason thanks him. Danny hands him the first aid kit and sees the gun. Jason picks it up and says, the safety’s on. It’s that little switch right there. If Danny ever has to handle a gun, always make sure the safety’s on, okay? Danny nods, and Jason puts the gun down. He picks up the kit and opens it. Danny asks if Jason needs help, and Jason says, no, but he needs Danny to do something for him. He can’t tell his mother about this, that Danny saw him or where he is. Danny asks, why not? but Jason says he can’t explain that. He just needs Danny to trust him. Danny says, okay.

Tomorrow, Selina says, she and Sonny have been deceived; Curtis has some news that he should share with Marshall sooner than later; Danny needs a favor from someone; Anna tells Sonny, do not go after Jason; and Jason says, it’s not fair for him to bring Michael into this.

Vanderpump Rules

Tom comes home to poor Ann, and whispers, is Ariana here? In Ariana’s interview, she says, it’s the sound of Sandoval coming back from Tahoe. It’s like the Wicked Witch of the West. She would love to click her heels, but she’s already home. Ann asks if there were any fights, and we flash back to all those. Sandoval says, but they had resolutions, and in his interview, he says, all in all, Tahoe was pretty good. The stench of the scandal is wearing off and he’s being humanized again. He’s optimistic. He tells Ann that he’s going to unpack his clothes and his feelings. He’s going to journal.

Donut! Scheana visits Villa Rosa where Lisa is doing Donut training. Scheana says, the day after she saw Lisa in Tahoe was the most emotionally draining day. She realized she’s going through the stages of grief for her friendship with Sandoval. Lisa asks if she’s worried Ariana will be upset, and Scheana says, when she tries to tell Ariana how she’s feeling, Ariana doesn’t want to hear about it. She’s doing everything to be ride or die, but is it not enough? In Scheana’s interview, she says she’s afraid to express how she feels. It’s only about Ariana, but she’s struggling. When she tries to have a conversation with Ariana, she’s made to feel like her feelings aren’t valid. Lisa wonders if it’s because Ariana is experiencing a whirlwind of attention. Scheana says, someone else told her about Dancing with the Stars, and Lisa says she remembers Scheana saying she wanted it more than anything. Scheana says she took dance classes to prepare just in case. In her interview, Scheana says she can be happy for Ariana and sad for herself. Ariana has come a long way from being her back-up dancer. We flash back to that long-forgotten performance, and she tells Lisa, it was a punch to the gut. Lisa says, if their friendship is as great as Scheana says, she should be able to tell Ariana how she feels. Scheana says, when she does, Ariana shuts her down. She wants a relationship where she’s not the only one being supportive. It’s the story of her life. In Lisa’s interview, she says, Scheana tries to make everybody happy. It’s okay to say someone hurt your feelings. Not that she would say it… Lisa asks when Scheana is seeing Ariana, and Scheana says, they’re having a girls’ astrology night at Ally’s house. Lisa says, it’s up to her.

Lala and Ariana go for coffee, and Ariana shows Lala the photos from the shoot. In one photo, she’s smashing a TV, and she says she feels like she doesn’t let herself get angry. We flash back to a few very angry moments, and Ariana says she wants to hit things more often. She asks, what happened on the trip? Scheana called her crying. Lala says, the trip was weird. She’d never seen Scheana this upset. She thinks Scheana believes if she goes somewhere and Sandoval is around, can she enjoy herself and have fun on a surface level? Ariana says she’s not asking Scheana to fight Sandoval. The internet is ripping her apart about a f***ing photo. Lala asks if Ariana came to Scheana’s defense, and Ariana admits she hasn’t. Lala asks if she couldn’t tell her stans to knock it off, and Ariana says she guesses she could. Lala says, that would have been nice, and in Lala’s interview, she says, Ariana is constantly on social just a-scrollin’. She doesn’t want to post because she doesn’t want to be in the mix, but if she steps out of the house she’s in the mx. If she lifts her finger she’s in the mix. Lala tells Ariana that Scheana was very upset about the affair and caught a restraining order. She thinks Scheana needs closure. She needs Ariana to say they’ll always be best friends and whatever Scheana needs to do to heal, do that. Can Ariana say that? Ariana says she can tell Scheana that she loves her because she does, but her position hasn’t changed. She doesn’t want Sandoval having any access to her life, even through mutual friends. If she’s not down with him being around, she can remove herself if the situation is uncomfortable. Lala says, that’s what Scheana is nervous about, but Ariana says she’s not the person to come to for the Sandoval sympathy train. In Ariana’s interview, she says she’s trying to be compassionate, but Scheana is easily walked over. It’s Sandoval’s easiest route to go get them, and when they all come around, he can ice her out. Lala says, Scheana is nervous that she won’t have Ariana as a friend if she does what she needs to heal. Ariana says she wants Scheana to be happy, but she needs to do what works for her to be happy as well.

Kristina, Katie, Lala, and Scheana meet for dinner. Scheana says her daughter broke her arm, and Lala asks what color the cast is. Scheana says, pink. She wanted it to coordinate with Summer Moon’s wardrobe. In Scheana’s interview, she says, it’s just her luck. She’s terrified to let anyone else care for her kid, and right in front of her own eyes, her daughter broke her arm. They talk about Tahoe, and Scheana says, Sandoval was there. They had a spiritual healing meditation, and for the first time, she knows he shed genuine tears. Kristina says she thinks Scheana is sadder about losing the friendship than Ariana is about losing the relationship, and Scheana says, they’d been unhappy for a long time. Kristina wonders why Ariana would stay, and Scheana says, you don’t know when you’re in it. Look at Jax and Brittany. We flash back to their whole relationship, probably because The Valley needs viewers. Katie says, there are still stories about Jax running around town, and Lala says, it’s beyond. Katie asks where Scheana is at, and Scheana says she’s finally going through the grieving process. Ariana grieved her loss, she’s making millions, and living her best life. Scheana misses who Sandoval was before. When they were in New York, he was the only person who welcomed her into photos with the group. Katie says she’s not hanging onto twelve years ago, and in Katie’s interview, she says she wishes Scheana would wake up. Sandoval never gave a f*** about their friendship. She should cut ties, move on, and be a friend to Ariana. Scheana announces that she slept with the bartender here, and Lala says, recently? Scheana says, no, like 2013. Katie says she’s going to jump off the roof if they talk about Sandoval anymore, startling everyone. Lala says, they’re not talking about him, and Katie says, he never even offered an apology. He interfered in her marriage and made her out to be a monster to everyone. Anyone who’s having trouble getting over that trash bag of a human is a demon. Is it me, or is she the one bringing up Sandoval and proving his point by acting like a monster?

Lisa goes to TomTom, which has absorbed some of PUMP’s former staff. Sandoval meets her and she suggests they sit in the garden. She tells him that they want to make the restaurant more dining oriented, and in Sandoval’s interview, he says, it’s weird to make changes without him and Schwartz knowing. In Lisa’s interview, she says, she’d never consult a 2½% partner. Tom brings ice cream, which Lisa declines until she sees the lavender/honey matches the tablecloth. She asks how Tahoe was, and he says, everyone was kind to him. Lisa says when she saw him at Wolf, he looked like sh*t. He looks happier now. We flash back to that, and she says she doesn’t want to see any of them being that depressed. Sandoval says he’s worried about Raquel. He misses her. Lisa asks if he’s spoken to her, and he says, no. He wants to have a relationship, even if they’re just friends. Lisa says she wasn’t going to tell him, but she and Raquel spoke at length, and she didn’t seem happy with him. In his interview, Sandoval says, Raquel told him that when people are done the program, they often stay there for a while. He told her, the longer she stays, the harder it’s going to be. She seemed to be mad at him if he didn’t 100% agree with what the program said, and they were making him out to be bad for her. Nice to see that he really cares about what’s best for her. What a d-bag. Lisa says, Raquel wasn’t comfortable with lying, and he told her, life is lying. He says he didn’t. He’s worried sick and wants to know she’s okay. Lisa says, if she’s willing to talk to him… and he says, she blocked him. Lisa says, then it’s over, and in her interview, Lisa says, Raquel said she felt manipulated and didn’t love him anymore. She tells Sandoval that he’s got to go forward. She thinks it’s the past.

Lisa meets Lala, along with Jessica, aka Lala’s brain, at Lala’s office. Lisa says Lala is grown up now, and Lala says she’s rebranding. She’s got to get rid of Lala in the name. The products need to stand on their own. In Lala’s interview, she says, when she created Give Them Lala, she was shoving herself down everyone’s throat. She’s changed as a person. She’s more reserved and needs the brand to reflect that. She tells Lisa that she needs money for a sperm donor. Her child is now speaking. Lisa asks if Ocean told Lala that she needed one, and in her interview, Lala says she gets it’s not the norm, but going the donor route is the right decision. She tells Lisa that after this one, she’d like to adopt one, and if she meets a guy, they might have a baby. She’s going to have all the kids in the world. In her interview, she says she wants an absolute, and starts to cry. No matter what, it’s her baby. No one can come in and take it from her. She doesn’t want to share on Christmas. It will be just hers. She tells Lisa that she loves being a mom. Lisa asks if Tahoe was a respite, and Lala says, it was emotionally depleting, but she doesn’t have to be torn. Scheana does. She talked to Ariana about the internet dragging Scheana and told her, why not put out a message? Ariana said she didn’t want the headline, but Lala said, everything is a headline, and Ariana did it. She and Scheana need to have a conversation. Something has to give. Lisa says she sees a sh*tstorm coming.

Schwartz brings Jo to See You Next Tuesday, and they sit with Ally. In Schwartz’s interview, he says he knows some of the other girls have problems with Jo, especially Katie. James joins them on his break, and he and Ally agree that Jo and Schwartz give off BFF vibes. James asks if it’s with benefits, and Schwartz dances around that. He says he thinks Tahoe was a great success. There were mini breakthroughs. James says, part of him was stoked to see Sandoval, and in his interview, he says he and Sandoval are in a better place than they were weeks ago. Now what Sandoval does and says going forward dictates how the friendship goes. Sandoval comes into SUR, and Schwartz tells James that he’s been going down a YouTube rabbit hole with old movies. He thinks it would be cool to have a guy’s night Rat Pack style. They can go to a steakhouse. James says he’s in it, and Sandoval comes over. James invites him to sit down, and Sandoval gives James his pair of sunglasses. In Ally’s interview, she says, it feels like Sandoval is trying to buy James. She hopes this sad attempt at an apology doesn’t end up with James disappointed. Why waste time on a loser? James says, Sandoval was like an older brother, and he never lost one thing Sandoval gave him. Ally looks uncomfortable.

Jo and Schwartz go to a Skee-Ball bar, and in Schwartz’s interview, he says he and Jo never had a formal relationship. Last summer maybe he didn’t divulge how much they cared about each other. Partly because of Katie’s resentment. Jo’s not everyone’s cup of tea. He thinks she’s a great cup of tea. They talk about aliens, and he says he’s not convinced she’s not a tall grey. In his interview, a producer asks Schwartz, when was the last time he and Jo were intimate? but Schwartz says he doesn’t remember. In Jo’s interview, she thinks it was a month ago. She thinks they caught feelings for each other and they’re still there.

The guys meet at a steakhouse, while the girls go to Ally’s for their birth charts. In Ally’s interview, she says, when she heard Teardrops on My Guitar on the radio, she decided she wanted to be like Taylor Swift. We see a clip of Ally singing and playing guitar, and she says, but there can only be only one Taylor, so she decided to be an astrologer. Okay. That’s one alternative. Waitress Beatrice takes the guys’ drink orders and says the guy with the chips will be by. These aren’t nacho chips. It’s a Brazilian steakhouse where you flip the chip to green when you want meat. I went to one of these once and could barely move the next day. I was with a group and had a comedian among us who thought it was a riot to loudly say things like, is that parakeet coming next? It was kinda funny. The girls decide that, rather than one-on-one readings, they want to hear it all. This is not my thing, but here’s the gist of it. Ariana’s planet is about luck, wealth, and opportunity. It’s having a four-leaf clover in your pocket. In Ariana’s interview, she says she didn’t feel lucky when Charlotte died, and her grandma died, and her relationship died. We flash back to all that, and she says, maybe Tom was stomping on her four-leaf clover energy, but once his dumb foot was gone, she bloomed. Ally says, Scheana needs partnership to be shining, but she needs to fill her own cup before others. It allows her to shine brighter. In Scheana’s interview, she says she puts everyone first. It’s the story of her life. It’s how she was raised. But like on an airplane, she has to put her own mask on first. Ding-ding-ding! We have a winner! I love when I see one of them have a growth spurt. Ally says, this is not Katie’s first lifetime, and Katie says, before this, she was always a male. In Katie’s interview, she says, if anyone wonders why she has Big D*ck Energy, it’s because she had a big d*ck.

Ally tells Ariana that things are looking up. By March 2024, she’s going to be saying, thank God that happened. Scheana says, it must be tough to process, being separated but in the same house, and Ariana says she’s dealing with a lot of legal back and forth. The internet thinks she’s making millions of dollars, but that’s not true. She wasn’t prepared to move financially. Literally a week before it happened, she’d emailed her agent and manager and told them they have to try and do some sh*t because she’s not in a good place financially. In Ariana’s interview, she says, when she started making decent money, they decided to buy a house. After that, she was playing catch up, then put a bunch of money into the sandwich shop. In March, she was literally on her last $2000. Sandoval created a situation that sent her scrambling to get her sh*t together in a financially responsible way so she could move on to the next step.

James asks about Sandoval’s conversation with Lisa, and Sandoval says, Lisa talked to Raquel. He doesn’t like to talk about it in front of James, but James says he doesn’t need to feel weird. It’s a gentleman’s dinner. No one is going to flip over a table. Schwartz says, the night is young, and he’s only had one coconut [drink]. Sandoval says, Raquel’s not happy with him. He hasn’t heard from her in over a month. He keeps checking his phone, but he’s alone. He can’t do this. WOE IS ME!!! Schwartz says, he’s got to get out and start dating, and in Sandoval’s interview, he says he hasn’t dated in 15 years. Obviously, Raquel has made her decision. She couldn’t even give him closure. He doesn’t want to be in another relationship. He just wants female energy in his life. Schwarz folds first on the meat and is stuck paying.

Lala says, the guys are going to be besties and bond. Guys feel differently. Ariana says, James feels guilty, and Ariana says, that’s because he knows he’s betraying himself. Interesting. That’s the approach she tried with Scheana, like, it’s for her own good. Lala says, everyone is worried about losing Ariana as a friend, and Ally says, James lost both an ex-fiancé and a friend. Lala says, time passes, and the healing starts. She wonders what Ariana’s stance will be, and Ariana says she doesn’t f*** with that.  

Lala asks if James decides to kick it with Sandoval and Scheana decides to forgive him, are their friendships with Ariana at risk? Ariana tells Lala that she didn’t say anything about forgiveness, but she’s not down with people going out to dinner. In Scheana’s interview, she says this is what she was afraid of. She was going to have a conversation with Ariana, but seeing her reaction about James hanging out with Sandoval, she’s keeping her mouth shut. Lala says she gets it, but what she doesn’t want to see happen to Ariana is what happened to her. She was so invested in what everyone else was doing. Katie says, they can’t overlook Ariana’s situation, which is different from Lala’s, and Lala says, if she wants to apply her situation to reality, no one is going to like what she says. Katie asks, what kind of friend is that? Say it. Get it off your chest, bitch. Lala tells Katie not to talk to her like that, and they go back and forth for a moment, until Lala says, disengage. Ariana says, what Lala is telling her is that it was worse for her, and in Lala’s interview, she says, no one knows what it’s like. She did have to stay with a sh*tty person, and it will eat you alive. It’s like drinking poison and expecting it to kill the other person. She doesn’t want that for her friend. Lala says she rode hard for Ariana, and Ariana is putting her on defense mode. Why is Ariana bringing it out? She hasn’t done a damn thing to her. Katie says, that’s a bit much, and Lala says, Katie is a bit much all the time. Ally says, all they know is how Lala communicates, and they all communicate differently. In Ally’s interview, she says, universal love. We can all get along if we understand people’s birth charts. Lala says, her intention wasn’t to make it about her and have it get heated. At the end, everyone is laughing except Katie.  

This season, James sees babies in the future, but Ally doesn’t feel it; Schwartz and Katie are dating the same girl; Scheana doesn’t think she and Brock will be together forever; a boat ride in rough seas; Katie doesn’t want peace; a brunch hosted by Jax; Sandoval tried to talk to Ariana; and Scheana asks Sandoval what she means to him. He says, a lot, but she asks if that’s because of filming or life.

💭 Thoughts. I realize I’m just seeing the equivalent of a screenshot of people’s lives here, but I think Ariana is making some poor choices. I totally get why she hates Sandoval. I hate him too and would probably never want to speak to him or see him again either. I’m not a fan of being friends with an ex. I am friends with a couple of mine, but they’re also old friends and never cheated on me. As far as I know anyway. I also didn’t hang in a large, incestuous friend group like this. But I think she’s making a big mistake in saying she’ll just cut off anyone who relaxes enough to be friendly to Sandoval on a personal level. It’s not a good look, and it’s easy enough to put friends in categories. Gee. Just don’t tell the people who hang with him your business. Noteworthy too, is how she’s afraid of him icing her out when that’s exactly what she’s trying to do to him. I totally get her grief and anger over this situation, but she’s being rewarded in spades. Living well is the best revenge, but I have the feeling if you’re not gracious about it, you can be knocked down just as quickly. And Katie is really just along for the ride, but geez, leave that BDE in your other bag. I think Schwartz is insufferable and lazy, but it’s over. Quit proving Sandoval’s point.

🥔 Potato-ing My Couch…

Join me tomorrow for soap and at long last, the end of the RHOBH season. Until then, stay safe, stay putting the toilet seat down (you know who you are), and stay not being so invested in what everyone else is doing.