What I Watched Today

(rambling, random thoughts & annoyingly detailed recaps from real time TV watching)

General Hospital

Laura comes to the PT room to find Curtis doing his leg weights and tells him not to stop on her account. He’s doing great. He says, it’s nothing like his workouts before he got shot, but it does feel good to work up a sweat again. She says she’s so glad. Maybe it’s the music he’s listening to. Send her his playlists when he gets a chance. She doesn’t want to interrupt him, so she’ll let him get back to it. He says, if she needs someone to hang with, she’s more than welcome.

Chase and Brook come out of the hospital elevator, and Chase says he keeps thinking he’s going to walk into Dante’s hospital room and he’s just going to be awake. He never wanted to hear someone’s words so much in his life. She says she knows he’s worried Dante’s condition hasn’t changed, and she is too. It’ll happen. The Dante she knows and loves isn’t a quitter. He says, that is the last word he’d use to describe Dante. Besides, Sam would never let him quit on her. She’s been here around the clock sitting with him. Brook asks if that’s why he didn’t tell Sam that Jason turned himself in. He doesn’t want to distract her? Chase says, Jason Morgan has done enough damage. She’ll find out soon enough. Finn and Gregory come out of the elevator, Gregory heavily leaning on his cane and breathing heavily. Chase asks, what happened?

Michael goes to the penthouse and Ava answers the door. He says he’s there to see his father, and she says, he should have called. She doesn’t know if Sonny wants to see anyone. He says, that’s why he stopped by. He knows the news must have hit Sonny pretty hard. Sonny comes out and says, the news about what?

John goes into Bobbie’s, and Carly asks what she can get him. He says he’s not here for food. He owes her an apology. He suspected she was harboring a fugitive. He was wrong. She asks, what changed his mind? and he says, Jason Morgan is in custody.

An officer brings Jason into the interrogation room where Anna is waiting. He leads Jason to a chair and leaves. Anna says, hello, Jason, and he says, Anna. She says, just to be clear, he’s under no obligation to answer her questions without the benefit of counsel, and he says he understands. She says, but she wanted to see him and ask him face to face. Did he shoot Dante? He says, no, and she thanks him. She says she believes him, but her faith in his innocence isn’t going to do him much good.

Michael says, Sonny doesn’t know? and Sonny says he’s not in the mood to play games right now. Say what he’s going to say and go. Michael says, Jason turned himself in to the cops, and Sonny says, is that all? Michael says, he walked into the PCPD with Diane beside him and turned himself in. The arraignment is already scheduled for tomorrow. They don’t have much time. Sonny says, time for what? and Michael says, to help Jason. Sonny says, Diane’s with him. She’ll do everything she can. Michael says, so that’s it. Sonny’s not going to do anything to help Jason himself. Sonny says, Michael isn’t getting it. Just leave, now. Michael says, no. He’s not going anywhere. Ava looks like she’s watching a tennis match.

Laura asks Curtis if she’s that transparent. She guesses it’s no secret that Heather Webber is having her surgery tonight, and he says, no, it’s not. She says she’s a little concerned about Heather. She doesn’t want to minimize the horrible things Heather has done, but her situation is more complicated than most people realize. He says he’ll take her word for it, and she says she ran into Portia. Portia told her that Curtis was up here exercising, and she realized they hadn’t talked in a long time, so she came to say hi and make sure he’s not being too hard on himself. He says, there’s no such thing. He’s determined to start walking as soon as possible. She says she’s sure he will, and he thanks her. And about his playlist. That wasn’t music he was listening to just now. It was breaking news about Jason Morgan.

Chase asks, what is going on? Is Gregory okay? Gregory says, don’t worry. He’s fine. Chase asks, what happened? Do they need to call a doctor? Finn says he is a doctor. Remember? Chase says he meant, do they need to call dad’s specialist? and Brook says she can take care of that if they want her to. Gregory says, that’s not necessary. He just came from his office. Chase asks what he said, and Finn suggests they talk about it at home. Gregory says, it’s fine. He said… He runs out of breath, and Brook suggests they let Gregory have a few minutes of rest. Chase wants to help Gregory to a seat, but Gregory says, it’s not necessary. He’s fine. Finn says, don’t be so stubborn. Let them help him. Gregory yells that he’s fine. He can stand on his own two feet. He doesn’t need his sons to hold him up. Finn says he’s sorry, and Chase says, they didn’t mean to offend him. They were just trying to make things easier for him. Gregory says, well, they can’t. What’s happening to him isn’t a crisis or an emergency. It’s just a new normal. Finn says, they don’t have to do this here, and Gregory says he rushed down here just to have his doctor remind him that the symptoms are to be expected. It’s the same old song. The prognosis is hard to predict. He just has to take it day by day. Chase asks Finn if Gregory’s doctor really said that, and Gregory says he still hears just fine. So don’t talk about it like he’s not standing here. Finn says, they’ll talk about this later. Right now, he’s taking Gregory home so he can get some rest. Gregory says, not yet. Because there’s something he wants to say to all of them… Back… off.

Carly asks if John talked to Jason. Where did they find him? John says, they didn’t. Mr. Morgan was accompanied by his lawyer when he turned himself in. She says, so he brought Diane with him. That’s great. At least his rights are being protected. Did John see Jason, or did someone pass this information on to him? John says he saw him. He spoke with him. Although Jason didn’t tell him anything useful.

Anna says, so there’s this plausible theory, supported by evidence, that Jason shot Dante before Dante recognized him, but it’s good to hear he didn’t. Dante isn’t just a detective on her squad. He’s a friend. He’s someone she admires and respects. He says, him too, and she says, he’s been informed that there’s footage of him and another man on the roof of the warehouse at 257 Water Street – Jason nods – and the other man has a sniper rifle. Can he explain what he was doing there? He says he has nothing to say without his attorney, and she says, it just makes it all the more curious why he would waive his right to counsel in order to meet with Special Agent Cates, alone. And according to the desk sergeant, they were both in here for the better part of an hour, and she can’t believe that he would spend most of that time talking about the good old days. Jason asks what she means, and she says, high school. The two of them. Robin told her that they both fell in love with the same girl at one point. He says he can’t even remember anything about high school, and she says, but he knows John Cates was Stone’s older brother. He used to go by the name Jagger. Jason says he’s heard the name… but he didn’t know it was Agent Cates. Anna says, he probably had no reason to mention it. It was years ago and has absolutely nothing to do with why Jason is in handcuffs now. Jason bangs on the table, stands up, and says he’s been working for Agent John Cates since November 2021. (The floodgates are officially open.)

Laura says, so Curtis already knows they have Jason in custody, and Curtis says, it’s all over the news. She says, it must have come as a shock though, especially since he turned himself in. How is Curtis doing with all of this? He says he’s not sure, because if Jason took a shot at Sonny at the MetroCourt, then Jason is the one who put him in this wheelchair. She says she thinks it’s a good thing they have Jason in custody. Now they’ll get some answers about what’s really going on. He asks what she means, and she says she just has a very hard time believing Jason would target Sonny. He says, maybe she has a hard time believing it because that’s not what really happened, and she asks why he says that. Does he know something? He says, it’s nothing for certain, but everyone knows how close Sonny and Jason were. Jason was his righthand man. So Jason taking a shot at Sonny just doesn’t make sense to him. So if Jason wasn’t gunning for Sonny, then maybe he was still working for Sonny and he was the intended target. (Oh, okay. That’s new.)

Sonny says, it’s always something with Michael. Save it. He’s not interested. Michael says, he needs to hear this, and Sonny asks what part of I’m not interested is he not getting? Ava says, Michael heard his father. He’s done talking. It’s time to cut his losses and go. Michael says, he doesn’t understand… but Sonny says he does understand. Michael sent Dex to spy on him. Carly knew about it. The three people he trusted the most went behind his back and betrayed him. Michael says, they weren’t betraying him. They were keeping him safe. Sonny says, and Michael kept the secret that Nina turned Drew and Carly in to the SEC because he wanted to blackmail her to stay away from Willow and the kids. Why is that safe for him? Does he have the answer? Because everything’s about him. Michael says, that is not true… and Sonny says, now Michael comes to him when Jason left Dante at the pier to die. What is wrong with him?

Anna says, Jason is working for Agent Cates. In what capacity? Jason says, as an informant, and she says, for the FBI? He says, yes, and she asks how this arrangement came about. She doesn’t know how he got involved with Cates and the FBI, or how he wound up on a roof with a sniper, but if there’s any chance she can help him, he has to tell her the truth. He has to know that he can trust her. He says he knows, and they sit back down. He says, after the tunnel collapsed on Cassadine Island, he couldn’t make it back to Britt and the others, he found his way out. Anna says, go on, but he says he saw it in her face when he said Britt’s name. What is it? What’s wrong? She says she’s sorry. Britt died. She was murdered. It was New Year’s Eve, 2022. He exhales and asks if they know who killed her, and she says, the killer is in custody. She’s really sorry. He’s obviously distressed (at least as much as Jason can be), and she asks if he needs a minute. He says, Britt. She just had such a great smile. Anna says she didn’t know Britt, but she’s glad he has that memory of her, and he composes himself. He says, when he made it out of the tunnel, he started toward the main house. That’s when two FBI agents stopped him and placed him under arrest.

Carly tells Beth that she’s going to need her to hold down the fort for a little while. She’ll be back as soon as she can. Beth says, sure, and John asks where she’s going. She says she’s going to see that Jason’s okay for herself, and he blocks her way and says, she can’t do that.

Finn asks what Gregory means, back off, and Chase asks if he wants them to stop helping him. Gregory sits, and Brook says, their father obviously has something to say. Let him talk. Gregory thanks her, and says, at least someone in this family is paying attention to what he wants. Chase and Finn exchange glances, and Gregory tells them not to look at each other like their worried, like it isn’t just his body that’s going, but his mind too. Finn says, that’s not what they think, and Chase says, they’re worried about him. Gregory says he knows they are and he loves them both for caring about him. Brook says, they all do, and Gregory says, but he’s not an invalid and he refuses to be treated like one. Finn says, understood. He’s sorry if they made him feel like that. It wasn’t their intention. Gregory says he knows that too. It’s only natural to want to swoop in and take care of someone when they’re sick. But they both have lives to lead and he won’t let them put their lives on hold because of him. Chase says, no one’s putting anything on hold, but Gregory says, aren’t they? Finn has patients who depend on him. He should be attending to them, not sitting in on every single one of Gregory’s doctor’s appointments. If he learns something important, he’ll let them know. Finn says, okay, and Gregory says he knows how worried Chase is about Dante. Dante and his family need Chase right now. That’s where his focus should be. So go donate blood again or say a prayer in the chapel. Maybe even take Rocco to a movie and help take his mind off of what’s happening with his father. Chase says, that’s actually a great idea, and Brook says she bets Sam would love that. And it would be good for Chase to hang out with Rocco too. Chase says he’ll talk to her after this, and Gregory says, good. He’ll call a ride and head home – alone, which he’s perfectly capable of doing. He gets up and walks off. Chase says, okay, dad, and Finn says, see him at home. He tells Chase, for what it’s worth (🍷), he might want to consider moving up his wedding date.

Laura pulls up a stool and asks Curtis if he’s telling her that he thinks Jason was following Sonny’s orders when he shot Curtis and tried to kill him. Why? What possible reason could Sonny have for wanting him dead? He says he’s not sure. It’s just a theory right now. She asks if it’s his theory or somebody else’s, and he says, just looking at everything through a different lens. Everyone assumed that what happened to him was just bad luck, wrong place, wrong time. He believed it too. She says, but he doesn’t anymore, and he says he doesn’t know. Because ever since they found out Jason was alive, someone floated the idea to him that Jason’s death might be staged. If that’s the case, that means Sonny has himself a hitman that can’t be traced. Doesn’t that have a certain logic to it? She says, that depends, and he says, on what? She says, on who’s posing the question.

Michael says, Sonny really doesn’t trust anyone anymore, does he? and Sonny says, should he? Michael says, yes, he should. He gets that Sonny is hurt, but he’s seeing enemies behind every door, even when there is none. How could he possibly think Jason would shoot Dante? Sonny says, it’s not like he’s never been betrayed before. Repeatedly. Why would he think Jason wouldn’t do it? Michael says, because it’s Jason. He has no reason to shoot Dante. Sonny says, none that he knows of, but it doesn’t mean one doesn’t exist. Ava asks if it isn’t possible Jason shot Dante by mistake. That in all the confusion, he didn’t realize it was Dante until it was too late. That would explain why he stayed and gave Dante first aid. Right, Sonny? Sonny says, anything’s possible, and Michael says, even forgiveness?

Carly tells John to get out of her way, and he says he doesn’t think it’s a good idea. Jason is currently in police custody awaiting arraignment. He can’t have any visitors. She says, that’s all Jason is to him, right? A criminal in police custody? He couldn’t be more wrong. He doesn’t know a damn thing about Jason. Jason has saved her more times than she can count. He would do anything for the people he loves. Jason is the best person she knows. If John knew anything about him… John says, she thinks she’s the expert on everything, but she couldn’t be more wrong. The name Jason Morgan means nothing to him, but Jason Quartermaine is whole other story.

Jason tells Anna, they brought him to Quantico and put him in a room with no windows, and John Cates came in. He played a recording for him. It was proof of RICO violations and criminal conspiracy. They offered him a deal. The FBI wouldn’t file charges if he agreed to act as an informant. She says, on Sonny? but he says, no. That would never happen. It’s a company called Pikeman. She says, Pikeman Security Group, and he says, yeah. Cates thinks Pikeman has been selling illegal arms to rogue states and anybody flagged by the NSA. But Pikeman has really close ties to the WSB. She says she’s aware, and he says, that’s why the FBI investigation couldn’t be on the books. She says, right. Because if the WSB learned of it, they risk them running interference with Pikeman. He says, so they couldn’t use a federal agent. They needed a civilian. She says, him, and he says, yeah. Another reason they couldn’t use an agent was, Pikeman promotes from within. So for him to get to whoever’s in charge, he had to start by signing on as a military contractor. She says, so he’s been working as a mercenary soldier, and he nods. She says, for how long? and he says, the whole time. He was at the warehouse. He was part of the team that was sent to eliminate Sonny.

Chase asks if Finn knows how hard it would be to change the wedding date, how much work it would take, and Finn says he knows it’s not ideal, but maybe they want to give it some thought. Chase says, Brook has worked so hard on this. Everything has already been chosen, from the menus to the color of Violet’s rose petals, and who’s to say all this will be available on another day? Finn says, the last thing he wants to do is disappoint them or Violet, but despite what dad just said, he’s not okay. He’s having respiratory issues too often, and they just don’t know where things are going from here or how fast. Brook says she thinks they should listen to Finn and move up the date, and Chase says, she does? She says, what’s important about their wedding isn’t about what entrée they’ll serve or any of the other choices they picked. It’s about having their family and friends celebrating with them. And the sooner that day comes, the more likely his dad will be okay and really be able to enjoy himself. Chase says, she’s right, and she tells him that he’ll have to get used to saying that more often when they’re married. He says, and she’s positive she’s okay about moving the wedding date? She says, absolutely. Any problems that come up can be solved. His father is most important. He says he’s never been more sure he’s marrying the right person, and Finn says, he picked a good one. Brook says, family comes first. There’s another problem though. They can’t have this big, beautiful, elaborate wedding when Dante is unconscious and fighting for his life. Chase asks if she’s saying they should call off the wedding.

Anna says, Jason can confirm Pikeman is targeting Sonny? and he says, yeah. They’ve tried three times that he knows of. The MetroCourt, Puerto Rico, and the other night at the warehouse. She asks if he was involved with the other shootings, but he says, no. Pikeman sent a different team each time. They were tracking him and the sniper due to the two other failed attempts. That’s how he knows about them. She asks if he knows why they’re targeting Sonny, but he tells her, Pikeman doesn’t say anything. There’s no information. The decisions come down from executive and it’s guys like him who carry out the orders. She asks if John knew he was assigned to eliminate Sonny, and he says he told John as soon as he got the assignment. He gave John all the information he had; the time, the place, and how to access the roof. She says, so when she and Cates went into that warehouse to confront Sonny and Miss Wu, he knew Jason was on the roof with the sniper waiting to target Sonny. He says, yes, and Anna looks pretty pissed off.

Carly says, Jason Quartermaine. He hasn’t been called that in a long time. John says, maybe not, but that doesn’t mean that person never existed, and she says, you’re right, Jagger. So he used to live here in Port Charles and Stone was his brother. She never realized he knew Jason. Were they friends? John says, for a while. Then they both fell for the same girl, and it all changed. She says, they both fell for Karen Wexler, and he says, yes. She says, so he and Jason competed over the same girl. So what? That was a million years ago. He says, that’s true, but even when they were rivals, he always thought Jason was a good person. He finds it hard to believe the Jason he knew became Sonny Corinthos’s gun for hire. She says, at least he didn’t grow up to be a liar.

Sonny says, it funny Michael brings up forgiveness. Did Michael know he used to be an altar boy? Michael says, no, and Sonny says, hard for him to believe, isn’t it? Michael says, dad… but Sonny says, let him talk. Michael says he’s listening, and Sonny says, Father Joe used to say, forgiveness belongs to God. Anybody else can put up or shut up. Michael says, exactly. That’s why he came here today knowing the reception he’d get. That’s him putting up. He’s willing to take whatever Sonny has for him because it’s important Sonny hear about Jason from him. Sonny asks if that’s his best. Go ahead and go. Michael says, okay, fine. If Sonny needs anything or Sonny needs someone to sit at Dante’s bedside with him, he’s here. Sonny says he won’t, and Michael leaves. Sonny walks over to the bar and pours a drink, while Ava watches him. He brings it to his lips.

Curtis says he just wants to know why he’s stuck in this wheelchair, and Laura says she knows. She gets it. And she’s not saying he should ignore the possibility that he might be the actual target. She’s just saying he should be careful. There are people out there who might profit from him turning against Sonny and Jason. So before he passes judgement on them, consider the source.

Brook says, of course (🍷) she doesn’t want to call off the wedding. Chase isn’t getting out of marrying her that easily. They just have to come up with the simplest solution that works best for everyone. Finn says he feels like he kicked the hornet’s nest a little here and he’s sorry. Maybe he should have just kept his mouth shut. Chase says, Finn was right to bring it up. Dad was already worried about being a distraction, so the more comfortable they can make him, the happier he’ll be. That’s what matters most to them. Brook says, they want to do right by Gregory and Dante. She doesn’t know exactly what that looks like just yet, but they’ll figure it out. Finn says he has to check on some patients. If there’s anything he can do, just let him know. Chase says, even if that means putting together new flower arrangements himself? and Finn says, especially if it involves that. He leaves and Brook says she’s going to make some calls, get the ball rolling, but Chase says, wait. He has to say something to her first. It means the world to him that she’s being so understanding about this, but it’s also important to him that she has the wedding of her dreams. She says, her dream has already come true. She gets to spend the rest of her life with him. As for the wedding, all of their problems can be fixed with one word. Downsizing.

Sonny asks why Ava doesn’t join him, and she says, why not? She takes a drink from him, and he says he always thought he could trust Michael, but it didn’t even seem to bother Michael that he betrayed him. Lesson learned. She says, hard lesson, and he says, now what he’s going through with Jason, he doesn’t even know who Jason is anymore. How could Jason not tell him that he wasn’t dead for two and a half years? Maybe she’s right. Maybe he shot Dante by accident, but it doesn’t really matter at this point. She says, not if Dante doesn’t wake up, and he says, no matter what happens, Jason isn’t the man that he knew. She says she thinks Jason stopped being that man the minute Sonny got back from Nixon Falls and found him with Carly. Jason might have thought Sonny was dead, but he certainly got together with Carly pretty quickly. A different kind of betrayal, sure, but it proves Jason isn’t a man he can depend on anymore. She touches his face and says, there is someone else he can depend on.

John tells Carly that he might not have been fully transparent, but he was up front about being an FBI agent. He told her that he was in town because he had a job to do. And that’s more than he owed her, so don’t go crying foul now. She says she’s not crying. She saves her tears for people who are worth it. And he – John, Jagger, or whatever the hell his name is – is not. Does the FBI know he used to be friends with Jason, and he’s always hated Sonny? Because those are clear conflicts of interest. So if he had any integrity at all, he would recuse himself from both their cases. And since he doesn’t, she wants him to get the hell out of her restaurant. Go find his food someplace else. She walks out, but he looks like he kind of likes it.

Jason tells Anna that he made sure the sniper missed, but he told him to leave his rifle. Cates said they could use it as evidence that they’re tied to some other aspect of this case. She says, the cache of weapons that went missing from the WSB turned up at multiple crime scenes. One was found at the shooting at the MetroCourt. He says, they left the rooftop and were headed toward the waterfront. They were supposed to meet the extraction team at Pier 50. Somehow Dante must have seen them and caught up to them on the pier. He told them to stop and he did. The sniper didn’t. He put his hands up, turned around, and he knew if Dante recognized him, all the work he’d done for the past two and a half years was gone. And he did. And that’s when the sniper shot him. She asks, where’s the sniper now? and he says, he’s dead. She says, there on the pier? and he says, mm-hmm. She says, they didn’t find a trace, and he says, Pikeman’s people are very thorough. She says she guesses that all tracks, except for one thing. Once the sniper was dead and Jason had called 911, Dante was in pretty bad shape. Why didn’t Jason stay with him until the first responders arrived? (Why does everyone keep asking this when the answer is obvious that he didn’t want to get caught?)

Chase says, it also means Brook can’t get everything she wants, everything that they planned. She’s been so excited about all this, he couldn’t ask that of her. She says, the thing she’s most excited for is getting to call him her husband. And she gets that whether or not her grandmother hires a string quartet to play her down the aisle. He says, there’s going to be a string quartet at their wedding? and she says, surprise. The most important thing is that his father is there and that he’s well enough to enjoy himself. If that means they have to have a smaller, more lowkey wedding, even at the house, it’s fine by her. He asks if she’s really okay with downsizing that much, and she says, absolutely. It actually saves her the headache of needing to deconstruct Aunt Lila’s dress and sew it back together. (She was going to do that herself? Why?) She was kind of worried about that. She’s just going to get a new dress. Don’t worry. She’s still going to knock his socks off. He says he knows she will because she looks absolutely stunning in everything, and they kiss. He says, okay. This is her last chance. Does she want to back out? She says, nope. She’s happy with her decision. He says he thinks he’s the luckiest man in the world, and she tells him, don’t you forget it.

Laura says she thinks she’s going to let Curtis get back to his physical therapy. She’s interrupted him long enough. He says, she was no interruption. He knows she’s only looking out for him and he’s grateful for her friendship. She says, he’ll always have it. She knows he wants justice, but she thinks the best way to go about it isn’t chasing after these shadows, but to maybe throw himself even further into what he’s doing right here right now. Just a thought. She leaves and Curtis ponders this.

Ava and Sonny look like they might kiss (again), but he says, it’s getting late. She says, they should call it a night and he says, they should. He takes her glass from her and suggests she get some sleep. It’s going to be a big day tomorrow. She says she and Avery have to get up early to go over her book report before school. He tells her, sleep well, and she says, him too. She starts to leave, and he tells her that he’s glad she’s here. She says she is too, and leaves.

Carly tells the desk sergeant that she heard Jason Morgan turned himself in. She needs to see him. He says he’s sorry, but that’s impossible. He’s in with the Commissioner.

Jason says he was trying to honor his deal with the FBI. If he would have stayed with Dante, he would have been arrested. He doesn’t think Cates would have wanted that. And he’d been shot and needed a place to hide and a place to heal. He called 911 for Dante. He knew the police recorded his voice, but he had no idea there was a shot of him on the roof with the sniper. He thought maybe he could go back to the FBI and if they couldn’t use him for Pikeman, they could use him for something else. She asks if that’s what he was discussing with John, and he says, if Dante dies, he gets charged with capital murder. Then he’s of no use to the FBI if he’s in prison for the rest of his life. She says, don’t give up on Dante. He’s a very determined man. By saving him, Jason might well have saved himself. Carly watches from the window.

Tomorrow, Kristina tells Molly to check her feelings at the door; Diane asks someone to give her something she can use; Danny punches Jake; and Sam says, Jason knows she’s right.

Vanderpump Rules

In Ally’s interview, she says, James picks out her clothes and steams her dresses. He doesn’t curl her hair yet, but she’s working up to that. Yay James. James says he’s doing a gig at Hotel Ziggy, and he invited Jo, and Ally says, she’s not trying to be besties, but she wants Jo to be comfortable coming to things. In his interview, James says he always invites everyone to his parties. He shows up and the venue has the best business they’ve seen in a long time or their money back. Ally says, the last time they were at Hotel Ziggy, it was awkward. It was the first time she met Raquel. We flash back to that, and James says, a lot has changed. Literally everything.

At Sandoval and Ariana’s house, Billie tells Sandoval that every time she comes over, she’s nervous about Ariana. She asks if he’s coming to Hotel Ziggy. She invited Tii, and wonders if Sandoval shouldn’t get back in the dating game. Not that he needs to jump into another relationship. Living with an ex-girlfriend is worse than living with his mother. He says he doesn’t know what’s going on with Ariana, but he loves this house. The ball’s in her court. This is the second time he’s said this. I blame pickleball. In Sandoval’s interview, he says, two months ago his lawyers drafted a letter of intent to buy her out at top market value. He tells Billie that he needs her to respond, and in his interview, he says, he wanted to make it clear that he’ll give her a check for the entire amount, and she can walk away free and clear. But he hasn’t heard back.  

On FaceTime, Ariana talks with Ann, who’s getting ready to see Taylor Swift. Ariana says she’s getting ready and leaving in 45 minutes and asks if Sandoval is bogarting the downstairs. She feels like she’s on the verge of full burnout and needs an assistant. She asks if Ann knows anybody, and Ann asks if she can please be in running. In Ariana’s interview, she says, Ann is so sweet. She deserves more than putting up with Ariana’s ex-boyfriend.  #SaveAnn. She says she doesn’t want Sandoval pissed off, but Ann says she wants to work for Ariana so bad. Okay, so Ariana wishes Sandoval death by a thousand paper cuts, but won’t hire Ann away from him when she wants to go? Por qué?

Lala meets Schwartz at a health food restaurant and they order syringes with smoothies in them. WTF? They sit outside, and Lala asks if Schwartz has had sober sex. Scwartz says, when he’s in a relationship, he loves it. Moderation is king, but he likes the occasional bender, sometimes with drugs and alcohol, sometimes with sobriety. He likes to fall apart once in a while in a good way and a bad way. Another WTF? They discuss Hotel Ziggy, and Schwartz says, they saw Jax at TomTom. Sandoval hasn’t seen Jax in years. We flash back to a million years ago, and then forward to Sandoval and Jax hugging it out at the steakhouse. Schwartz says he has post-Sandoval brain fog. They’ve all cheated. He was a make out slut. He even made out with Scheana 12 years ago in Vegas. Lala keeps saying, what? and he says he thinks he and Katie were dating, but it was at a rocky moment. In Schwartz’s interview, he says he just wants to let the record show that they’re all human and do dumb sh*t sometimes. It’s the summer of forgiveness. He tells Lala that they joked about it at the last holiday party, and Lala says she’s straight up over people lying to her face. In her interview, she says, she and Scheana have gotten close. It seems strange that Scheana never told her. She asks if Katie knows, and Schwartz says he doesn’t know if he told her. Maybe Schwartz needs some ginkgo biloba. Or needs to drink less.

Katie visits Lala, who’s putting away toys. She says she enjoys clean time when she doesn’t have Ocean, and Katie says she knows how Lala feels. It’s the same with the dogs, who gut their stuffed animals. Lala says she’s got to tell Katie something, but she might want to make a drink first. Katie makes a drink, and Lala says, Katie may or may not care, but she had smoothies with Schwartz, and he dropped on her that years ago, he made out with Scheana in Vegas. In Katie’s interview, she says, what the actual f***? She has so many questions. When was this and where? Was this the time he said he made out with a friend of Scheana’s? Was it really Scheana? We flash back to 2013, and Katie says, there are so many lies in the group, it’s hard to keep track. Lala says she doesn’t think she was there. She wants to ask Scheana about it, but wanted to talk to Katie first. In Lala’s interview, she says she went back and forth about who to talk to first and decided to talk to Katie first. She doesn’t want to give Scheana time to figure out a way to make it a pretty picture.

Sandoval shows up at Hotel Ziggy with Kyle and tells him that Ariana looks great. He wants to say something to her about the house, but he’s afraid to. Brock says he needs to try and figure out how to start a conversation. They’d all like to see them figure out how to talk. Schwartz and Jo come in together, and Scheana wonders if they’re dating. In Ariana’s interview, she says, Jo literally drove with Raquel to meet the Toms in Big Bear and left Raquel with Sandoval there. Come on, bitch. You knew. The girls try to get Jo to ditch her baseball cap, but in Jo’s interview, she says, it’s comfortable and looks good on her. Chill. She’s gotten a lot of hate from the girls. It’s 100% bullying and it’s horrible. Scheana says she’s going to drink, which she doesn’t do very often, and in Katie’s interview, she says, because maybe when she does, Scheana makes out with people like her boyfriend. Billie tells Sandoval that the girls are mugging behind him, and in her interview, Jo says, in the past year, the things they’ve said don’t go away. Insinuating she’s a crackhead is hurtful, and harmful to anyone who has ADD. It’s one thing to hear it on social media and it’s another feeling to see five girls talking sh*t about you. Jo plugs her ears. Ally tells the girls that Jo didn’t like questions about Schwartz. She said she feels emotional about him the same way she feels about her dad. She’s trying to come in peace… Katie says, she’s a psychopath, and in Ariana’s interview, she says, before anyone boohoos about how Jo is treated, she’s a full-blown mean girl bully. Jo didn’t give a flying that she spent Thanksgiving in Ariana’s home, while knowing Raquel was with her boyfriend in her home. Jo walks past with Billie, and Katie says, if Jo is uncomfortable, she’s thrilled. In the hallway, Jo starts crying.

Jo whines that she doesn’t like being attacked and wants to go home. She leaves and James does his thing. Scheana says she’s drinking for the first time, so they’ll see where this goes. Lala tells Ariana about Schwartz and Scheana making out in Vegas. He said they were joking about it, but it doesn’t like a joke; it feels gross. Sandoval approaches Ariana and says he doesn’t want to bother her, but he wants to make sure she got the email. She says, her lawyer has it, and Sandoval says, if she could have him respond, they can start working on stuff. Lala asks what it’s about, and Sandoval says, the house. Let him know since it’s been a while. He wanders off, and in Lala’s interview, she says, it’s taking Ariana a long time to rid herself of this house. The brand deals are endless. Trust her. Ariana can afford an apartment. Lala says, this is so awkward, and Sandoval talks to Tii, but who cares what he’s saying? In Sandoval’s interview, he says, Tii seems super chill and laid back. He always thinks dating people he just met is awkward. Maybe because he hasn’t experienced them in a long time. Maybe it’s time to rip the Band-Aid off. Katie tells Scheana that she doesn’t know how to bring it up, since it was brought up to her in an abrupt way. Lala was having juice with Schwartz, and Schwartz said when he was all f***ed up, he made out with Scheana in Vegas. Scheana says she and Ariana were there with her mom and sister for her sister’s cheer competition. Schwartz pulled her in to a corner and kissed her. She thinks she and Shay were just engaged. We flash back to Shay’s proposal for no good reason, and Katie asks why they made out, but Scheana says, it wasn’t a make out. She did make out with Ariana though. In Scheana’s interview, she says she wanted to pretend it never happened. She never told anybody and would have never told Katie, especially back then. It was the peak Tequila Katie hates Scheana days. We flash back to Katie hating on Scheana, and Scheana says, no, never. Scheana says, why blow up both relationships? and Katie says, now Scheana thinks it’s funny. Schwartz said they were joking about it over the holidays. Scheana says she may have made a comment that he was a make out whore and even tried with her, and Katie says she was looking over the course of their friendship. Scheana was even her bridesmaid, and it never come up at all. She was a broken person, a shell of herself and not confident about her self-worth. Scheana says she knew Schwartz had already done a number on their relationship. Why hurt her more? She wanted them to work it out and wanted Katie to have her happily ever after. Katie says, someone was part of that narrative, and in her interview, Katie says she’d expect it from Schwartz. Scheana had years to tell her. She hates lying by omission and wonders if she can fully trust Scheana.

Lala, James, and Ally meet Schwartz at a restaurant, and Schwartz says, Sandoval said he might pop in, but he’s on Sandoval time, so who knows? Sandoval does pop in, and Lala says, he looks happy. She’s used to him looking low. He says he is happy, but he had A/C issues and left the main bedroom door open. Mya got in there and ate weird stuff. Schwartz says, Mya once ate 500 laxative pills, and in Sandoval’s interview, he says, she’s eaten pillows and hair color. He tells them, Mya shat on the top of the couch, and no one can believe he just used the word shat. In his interview, he says, Ariana is going to be upset with him no matter what, but it was an accident. Lala says she’s doing a water sommelier thing in a couple of days, and everyone is welcome to come. James says he’s down for it and asks how Sandoval feels about last night. Lala says she gets why Ariana gave him the cold shoulder, but she was wondering if it was weird for her to feel bad for him. Sandoval says he’s trying to move forward, and Lala says she knows how it feels to be held hostage to your past, or someone else’s version of it. Sandoval says he’s doing guided meditation and exploring other ways to handle his anxiety and anger. James says, meditation, therapy, and working out are good alternatives, and Sandoval says he’s working with a guy who does breath work and self-improvement. He asks if Lala wants to come, and in his interview, he says he doesn’t know if he and Lala were ever close, but it’s less about reconnecting and more about building something new. Lala says she doesn’t want to hold his past against him, but doesn’t know if she can participate. She appreciates him inviting her, but does he mind if she sleeps on it? Like he’s going to say he minds.

At Sandoval and Ariana’s house, Dr. Vuu gives Sandoval some breathing exercises. Lala walks in while he’s hyperventilating and the whole thing looks stupid, like this bioenergetics class I was forced to take in acting school. Dr. Vuu says, the universe prioritizes growth over comfort, and tells Sandoval to exhale with a big ass scream. He laugh/cry/ screams, and in Sandoval’s interview, he says, it felt like an emotional orgasm. That sh*t was cool. They go outside, and Sandoval says he appreciates her coming. She says she thinks it’s amazing that he did it solo, and in her interview, she says, they reserve the right to evolve and f*** what anyone says. Sandoval has to sleep with himself at night. He doesn’t affect her life. Lala says, what happened last year was just the cherry on top. She feels like she tried for a long time. She texted him about how proud she was about the bar, but got no response. When her life went south, he never asked how she was doing. Not once. Sandoval apologizes and says he felt there was a disconnect with them. She says she wants him to know it’s not just last year for her. She doesn’t approve or understand the decisions he made, but sees the parallel to what happened in her life. It f***ed her up and she knows it’s not fair, but she’s working on it. She’s trying to heal and trust. She doesn’t want him paying for her experience with someone else. He says he wants positivity and wants to be positive with other people. He feels the way things worked was supposed to happen, and maybe for her too. She says she’s been held prisoner to her experience for too long. What he did isn’t her fight. She has to go into what she wants and feels good about, and she feels good about this. He says he appreciates her vulnerability and would like to be better friends. He’s invested in seeing where it goes.

Consultant Penny goes over the sandwiches with Ariana and Katie, and in Ariana’s interview, she says, the last time we saw Something About Her, it was just a blank slate… In Katie’s interview, she says, now it’s a beautiful, feminine, elegant sandwich shop. It’s like something out of a rom-com movie. Their progress was halted because of permit issues… Ariana says, but they have a lovely sandwich menu. TomTom’s manager Logan arrives, along with Lala, Ally, James, Brock, Scheana, and Schwartz, who brings orchids. They do a tasting, and in Lala’s interview, she wonders why they’re doing this again when they did this last summer. We flash back to that, and Lala says, they can they fast forward. We do, and she says, wait. This part is funny. Schwartz suggests something super savory, kill a hangover, and James says, Schwartz likes Sloppy Jo. In James’s interview, he says he had high hopes for the sandwich shop, but weeks turned into months that turned into more months, and it’s not much different that Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Little D*ck’s Schwartz & Sandy’s. Lala says she, James, and Ally went to do mocktails with Schwartz and Sandoval popped in. He said he was doing breath work and wanted her to do it with him. She doesn’t think they’re there, but there’s been some growth. They had the most productive conversation they’ve had in all her years of knowing him. In Ariana’s interview, she says, very cool. She doesn’t know if she buys it, but cool. Ariana says she had to go to the emergency vet with Mya because of Sandoval being insanely irresponsible with her dog. Mya needed an endoscopy. Ariana had takeout in her room, and not only did Sandoval let Mya in there, he shut her in for hours. She ate everything, including the wooden skewers. The bill was $6000. Sadly, I relate, having had a few large vet bills in my day. In her interview, Ariana says, the vet was able to get everything out and Mya is okay, but it’s added to the laundry list of why her ex can’t be trusted with decent judgement when it comes to anything. Lala recommends they have a conversation, but Ariana says she can’t have one right now without slitting his throat and being arrested. It’s not the first time Sandoval gave zero sh*ts about who she considers her children.

Lisa goes TomTom along with Ken and Puffy (!). She wants to taste the sandwiches, and Katie brings over a three-tiered dish of them. In Lisa’s interview, she says she can’t believe they’re still not open. They’ve been paying on the lease for over a year and it’s costing them a fortune for an empty space. Lisa approves of the sandwiches, and in her interview, she says, they’ve got a sh*tload of sandwiches and need to start. Katie talks to Schwartz in the kitchen and asks about him kissing Scheana. She says she’s glad they’re done for this same reason. It’s another thing she was kept in the dark about. He had it so good for so many years, but he blew it. He fumbled hard, but now he’s got Sloppy Jo. Schwartz says he’s got to go. Abort. In Schwartz’s interview, he says, didn’t we just work through this? She’s like Gordo with a bone. He won’t let it go. Katie tells Lisa that Schwartz orbits in her universe and fails. Ariana says, it’s arrested development. Schwartz tells Brock that he was just grilled about kissing Scheana back in the day, and they do a shot. In Brock’s interview, he says, Katie is overreacting about a kiss 10 years ago. She needs to get off her high horse. A double standard is happening. He tells Schwartz that they were partying, and Katie left with left someone in the friend group. Schwartz asks, who is it? and Brock says, his boy.

Schwartz says, Max? She f***ed him? In Schwartz’s interview, he says, Max is a former manager for TomTom. It’s a telltale sign of revenge. Brock says, after the party, Katie invited Max back to her house. It was bound to happen, In Scheana’s interview, she says, Katie invited Max to the party, and they left together. She tracked his location and didn’t think he lived in the same building as Katie. The next morning, she tracked him again and he was still there. Brock tells Schwartz that he calls Scheana the location collector, and in her interview, Scheana says she has 56 people whose locations she tracks, but it’s not weird or creepy. Sandoval comes in with Tii, and says, they went bowling. Schwartz tells Sandoval about Max and Katie, and in Sandoval’s interview, he says, it’s a double standard when it comes to Katie. It’s so obvious how ridiculous it is. The Toms go to the garden to confer with Lisa about something, and Brock introduces Tii to Ariana and Scheana. Brock says, Tii and Sandoval went bowling, and Ariana asks how old Tii is. Tii says, 25, and Ariana says, that makes sense. She’s sure Tii has been given a different version of events, but don’t waste her time on a 41-year-old narcissist. Scheana tells Brock that she’s upset with him about spilling the Schwartz kiss tea, and he says he thought she was going to say something. In Scheana’s interview, she says she and Katie are in a good place. What the f*** is he doing? Brock says, she’s annoying the sh*t out of him. Ariana tells Tii that when she was at her grandma’s funeral, Sandoval was at her house f***ing her friend. You’re a prize. He’s not. Lala asks Scheana, what’s wrong? and Brock says, Scheana is upset that he told Schwartz about Katie and Max. Ariana asks, what happened? and Katie asks, what is he talking about? Lala asks if they have a thing, and Katie says, Max came over. What’s the big deal? Brock says, she put restrictions on Schwartz, but Katie says she just asked him not to f*** anyone in their friend group. Lala asks if Katie and Max slept together, and Scheana says she’s staying out of it. In Lala’s interview, she says she knows Katie talks revenge, but she doesn’t seek it. Scheana decides to get back into it and explains that she thought Max dropped Katie off, but she checked the next day, and he was still there. Brock saw her phone. In Lala’s interview, she says she feels like everyone is full of sh*t. Ariana is lying about her financial situation and the house; Scheana is following everyone’s location; Schwartz made out with Scheana; and Katie hooked up with Max. The way everyone in the group is moving is eech. She tells everyone, this group is chaotic. She’s leaving. She’s annoyed. She loves them all. Goodbye. Scheana says she wants to strangle Brock.

Next time, Brock thinks Ariana needs to figure out forgiveness is more powerful than being bitter and angry; and Ariana says, the group keeps shoving Sandoval down her throat.

🧰 In Lieu Of a Recap…

Nothing was online yet, but there is this.

Why Jax Taylor Is Still a Villain on The Valley

🪱 Full Worm Moon Rising…

Join me tomorrow for soap and mid-week tidbits. Until then, stay safe, stay filling the tank after borrowing someone’s car, and stay considering the source before passing judgement.