What I Watched Today

(rambling, random thoughts & annoyingly detailed recaps from real time TV watching)

General Hospital

Michael says, Willow has to be rested for her big day tomorrow, and he won’t take no for an answer. There’s a knock at the door, and Michael lets Carly and Drew in. Willow asks if something is wrong, and Carly says, they’re here about Liesl, and Willow says, what about her? Michael says, Obrecht is donating her bone marrow tomorrow for Willow’s transplant, right? but Drew says, it doesn’t look like it. Liesl Obrecht is nowhere to be found.

At the MetroCourt on the phone, Sonny talks to Brick about getting Obrecht’s location, when Scotty walks in. He asks Nina what’s so important. He was in a card game with the winning hand. She says she didn’t want to deliver bad news over the phone, and he says, the last time he saw her, he had bad news about Britt. Now what? She says, Aunt Liesl disappeared, and he says, she was doing a magic act… What the devil is Nina talking about? Nina says, she never reappeared. She’s missing. Scotty checks his phone, and says, she didn’t text him. He’s going to call Commissioner Ashford. Nina says she already called the PCPD. They found a charm that once belonged to Britt in a crawlspace underneath the stage. The police said they’d look into it, but she has the feeling they’re going to have to find Aunt Liesl on their own.

Diane sees Robert at the hospital vending machine, and says, her sources at the PCPD told her what happened to Anna. Is she all right? Robert says, she’s in surgery. What else has Diane heard? She says she heard it’s been quite the night here in Port Charles, and he says, she doesn’t know the half of it.

Jordan tells Esme that they have officers searching everywhere for her child, when Laura and Dante come in. Esme asks if they’ve found her baby, but Laura says, not yet. Just try to stay calm. Esme asks how she can do that when someone has her baby, and Dante says, they found surveillance footage of a man entering and leaving the building. He shows her on his phone, and she says, that’s him. That’s the man who forced his way into the apartment and kidnapped her baby. He’s got her baby. Jordan says, they put out an APB on the kidnapper, and their press liaison made sure his photograph is on every news broadcast. Dante leaves to see if there are any updates, and Jordan says, don’t worry. They’ll find her little boy. She follows Dante out, and Esme asks how Nikolas could do this, but Laura says, he didn’t. Esme asks how she can be so sure, and Laura says, because she knows who did.

Spencer says, how about if he makes Victor a deal. He’ll agree to go wherever Victor wants to take him, but his little brother has to go home. Victor says, Spencer still doesn’t understand. He is home, and so is Spencer, here with him on the Haunted Star. As long as they have each other, they have everything they need. Spencer says, the Haunted Star might be their home for now, but he plans on returning to Port Charles eventually – Trina listens in – even if Victor has wrecked his reputation by taking Ace. There’s no way a judge will grant him custody now. Victor says he’s worrying unnecessarily. Ace isn’t going to fall under the jurisdiction of family court for the very reason he won’t be returning to Port Charles. None of them will. Trina leans her head against the wall.

Drew says, Obrecht was performing a magic act with the kids, and Michael says he saw it on TV. Drew says, then he saw Obrecht walk into the vanishing cabinet, and she never reappeared. Carly says, she’d never disappoint those kids by not finishing the act, and Drew says, there was a trapdoor in the bottom of the cabinet. Carly says, and a corresponding trapdoor in the stage. A piece of jewelry was found in the crawlspace under the stage; a piece Obrecht has had with her since Britt died. Willow asks what this means, and Carly says, the evidence suggests Liesl didn’t disappear willingly.

Scotty asks what the cops said, and Nina says, not much. They’re dealing with several crises at once tonight, and Aunt Liesl hasn’t been missing long enough to warrant suspicion. Scotty says, she vanishes – poof! – in the middle of a ballroom, and the cops don’t think it’s important. Nina asks if Sonny had any luck, and he says, the cops are tracking Liesl’s phone and computer. Brick had some luck with the location as far as her earbuds and fitness tracker. Scotty says, it sounds like Sonny is having more luck than the cops, and Nina says, they’re not refusing to investigate; they’re just really overwhelmed right now. If they’re honest with themselves, Aunt Liesl hasn’t been the same since Britt’s death. Scotty asks if Nina is saying Obrecht walked away from her magic act so she could grieve. That’s horse hockey. She would never ditch her family like that. Every bone in his body says she’s in trouble. Sonny asks what makes him so sure, and Scotty says he was chucked out of an airplane by a guy who’s obsessed with her, and he’s probably still obsessed with her. Nina says, Victor Cassadine.

Victor says, home is where Spencer’s family is. Him, Spencer’s little brother; they’re all they need. Spencer says, what about his grandparents, Uncle Sonny, Aunt Alexis, and his cousins? and Victor asks if they’re with them or against them. Spencer says, with them. Victor’s not making any sense. He’ll do what Victor says, at least for the time being, because he has no other choice – Trina continues to listen – but he’ll never agree to never go back to Port Charles. There are people back there he cares about, and he has a life, one that was starting to get good. Trina smiles a little, and Spencer says, really, really good.

Diane tells Robert that she heard about Lucy’s surprise arrival at the Nurses Ball, and that Sonny saved her from her pursuer. She knows Anna’s been shot. Is there anything else? Robert looks over at Dante talking to Jordan, and tells Diane, let’s just say sleep’s going to have to wait. What is she doing here anyway, working late? She says, no, she’s checking up on him. She knows how important Anna is to him, and she didn’t want him to have to wait for word alone.

Esme asks, if Nikolas didn’t take her son, then who did? and Laura says, it was his Uncle Victor. Esme says she knew there was something wrong with that man. He was so polite and smooth when he came to see her at the hospital, but he kept calling her baby a Cassadine heir. Then he came to the apartment and… Does Laura think he was planning on taking Ace then? Laura says she doesn’t know. Victor is a treacherous man. He’s ruthless, but to stoop this low, even she’s surprised. Esme asks if the police know he’s involved, and Laura says, they absolutely do. It’s just a matter of time before they locate Victor and bring Ace home. Esme hopes she’s right, and Laura says she’s really proud of how brave Esme was, fighting back for her son. Esme says, she sounds surprised, but Laura says she’s not surprised at all. She’s always known Esme is a very determined girl, but it’s nice to see that determination flipped around to something good in the service of somebody else. Esme says she doesn’t know how the old Esme would have felt. All she knows is, she needs to get her son back. Laura says she knows. She wants that too.

Willow wonders who would kidnap Liesl, but Drew says, they don’t know that’s what happened; that’s just one theory right now. Michael suggests Willow sit down, and Carly says, it’s possible this could all be a big misunderstanding. Liesl can be eccentric. Maybe she wanted to be alone before the transplant. Michael says he doesn’t see Obrecht sabotaging Georgie and James’s magic act. And what would be the point of leaving the stage through a trapdoor? Willow says, Michael’s right. It sounds to her like Liesl’s in danger. Maxie and Nina must be out of their minds with worry.

Scotty says, this is textbook Victor Cassadine. He’s held Liesl hostage before, and he’s done it again probably, and they know he’s behind Lucy’s disappearance, even though they can’t prove it. Sonny says, nothing Victor Cassadine does surprises him, and Scotty says he doesn’t understand all this mumbo jumbo technical stuff, but maybe Sonny’s bodyguard Brick can check Liesl’s devices; maybe ping somewhere by the Cassadine tower. Sonny says he’ll let Brick know, and Scotty says he’s going to try calling her again. Scotty steps away, and Nina asks if Sonny thinks he’s right. Did Victor Cassadine take her Aunt Liesl? Sonny says he doesn’t know, but he’s going to find out.

Robert says he appreciates Diane checking up on him, but Anna’s going to be tied up in surgery for hours. It’s not going to help either one of them wearing the floor out. Diane says, a little distraction makes a long wait a lot easier. They can talk about the law, or sports, or favorite travel destinations. She knows he’s traveled widely for his work, but where does an ex-spy go to get away from it all? He says, it’s not going to work, but she says, trust her. He says, all right. There’s this little string of islands in the South Pacific… Her phone rings, and she says she’s sorry. Don’t go nowhere. She answers, and asks what she can do for them… She’s currently at General Hospital… Okay, she’ll see them then. She tells Robert that she’s so sorry. She gets him to open up, and now she has to dash. She wants to hear about those South Pacific islands someday though. It looks like they’re both going to be working late tonight. Jordan and Dante walk over, and Jordan says she needs to speak with Robert. Diane says she was just on her way out. She hopes Anna’s surgery goes well. She leaves, and Robert asks if they have an update on Victor or an update on Esme’s baby. Dante says, both actually, and Jordan says, it seems the two cases are linked. Robert says, Victor’s into stealing babies now? This guy’s a one-man crime spree. Dante says, Nina reported Liesl Obrecht missing. The police are searching her residence now. The evidence found at the site of her disappearance indicates a struggle.

Victor says he chose Spencer to help him carry out his life’s mission. Don’t let him down. Spencer says he doesn’t understand, and Victor says, all in good time. For now, just no more futile escape attempts. Spencer says he’s not going anywhere as long as Victor has his brother, and Victor says he’s counting on that. Play his cards right, he may just let Spencer see him again. He asks Ambrose to show his nephew to his state room, and Ambrose reaches for Spencer’s arm, but Spencer jerks away, saying, don’t touch me. Victor tells Ambrose, that’s okay. He thinks Spencer knows the stakes by now. He’s sure they can trust him to walk out on his own. Spencer leaves, Ambrose following, and Victor says, why must family be so challenging? Watkins says, not only family. His guest is also troublesome. Victor says, that was to be expected. Spencer’s another matter. He’s gone to bat on Spencer’s behalf so many times, you’d think he’d have earned Spencer’s trust by now. Trina is still listening, and Victor says, but he’s young, romantic… He’ll need a little more persuading. As for the other, Watkins knows what to do.

Ambrose brings Spencer to the stateroom, and Spencer says, there’s a deadbolt on the outside of the door. Ambrose says, his uncle had it fitted especially, and opens the door. Spencer says, Ambrose is locking him inside? and Ambrose says, on his uncle’s orders. If Spencer tries to escape, remember Victor has his kid brother. He shoves Spencer into the room, slamming the door.

Watkins brings a hooded Obrecht in, as she curses him out in German. Victor says, not very ladylike, and Watkins removes the hood. She says she’s only a lady in the presence of gentlemen, and Victor says, saucy as ever. How he’s missed this. Trina watches, and Obrecht says, first he abducts her by air, now by water. What’s next? Victor says, there is no next. She’s here to stay. She laughs, and says, how much humiliation can a man endure before he realizes a woman isn’t interested in him romantically? He says, still the most passionate, fiery woman he knows, but that’s neither here nor there. He brought her here for an entirely different reason.

Scotty tells Nina that he’s got nothing from Liesl. Where’s Sonny? She says, he’s following a lead, and Scotty says he knows Sonny saved Lucy, and he’s not a fan of Sonny’s, but when the chips are down, he’s there, and he’s got resources to help. She says, he’s definitely committed to helping them find Aunt Liesl, and he says, Sonny’s committed to Nina. Sonny doesn’t want to see her in any pain, and Scotty doesn’t want to see Liesl in any pain. And if that son of a bitch Cassadine… Nina tells him not to go to the worst-case scenario… yet. He says he feels guilty because Liesl felt he was protecting Elizabeth at Britt’s expense. Had they been together, he might have seen this danger and been able to protect her. Nina says she understands… all too well.

Willow says, Nina and Maxie will be devastated if something happens to Liesl. So will Georgie and James. Carly says, only Willow would be thinking of someone else other than herself right now, and Drew says, everything possible is being done to locate Liesl right now. Willow needs to focus on preserving her energy. Carly says, he’s right. Willow needs to rest. It’s going to be hard, but she can’t stress. She needs to be strong enough for the bone marrow transplant when Liesl is found. Michael asks if the police have any leads, and Drew says, all they know is, they’re investigating. Carly says, not only the police. Sonny’s involved too.

Diane sits on a bench at the hospital, when Sonny comes in. She says, boss, over here. She was surprised when he called. What can she do for him? He says, the guy who tried to kill Lucy Coe is at the PCPD at this moment. He has information Sonny needs. Diane says, he’s probably being questioned right now, but Sonny says, he’s going to stall, and Diane has to get to him now because lives are on the line. She asks what he needs from her, and he says he needs her to persuade the guy… They need to find Victor Cassadine. Diane asks what she has to offer him, and Sonny says, the best lawyer money can buy. He’s not going to talk to the police, but if she’s defending him… Diane says she’s sure he already has representation, courtesy of Victor Cassadine, but Sonny says he doubts it. He failed his mission; Victor’s going to kill him. He’s their only hope to find Victor. If anybody can get him to spill the beans, he knows she can.

Robert tells Jordan, Victor’s always had a thing for Liesl Obrecht. Two years ago, he took her to a compound he has in Crete. Jordan says, the WSB gave him immunity, and Robert says he thinks Victor is ready to pull out of Port Charles for good, and he’s taken a few people with him who he thinks are important. Whether they want to go or not is another matter altogether. Dante says, he made a big mistake letting Lucy get away. Now they have the guy who tried to kill her in custody. Robert says, Victor’s getting sloppy, not to mention reckless. He’s sure Victor knew shooting Anna would spark a big retaliation. She’s going to be tied up in surgery for a while, and his phone is on. Anything they find out – and he does mean anything – he wants to know about it.

Trina peeks out as Obrecht says, most men treat a woman to a nice dinner, take her to the movies. But Victor has his henchmen abduct her in the middle of the Nurses Ball? Trina changes position, and Victor turns, hearing something, but Obrecht says, why is she here? Enlighten her. He says, she’s a woman of considerable expertise, but her talents are wasted in Port Charles. Watkins walks perilously close to Trina, but turns around, and Victor says, but she’ll soon be employed in the service of a much greater endeavor. He plans on finishing the job he and his brother started forty years ago. Can he count on her to behave herself? She says, of course (🍷) not, and he says, for heaven’s sake. She has nowhere to go. Start acting with some decorum or she won’t make it to their destination. She says she won’t reach the destination he has in mind. She’ll be found long before then. He says he’s had their ship’s vessel tracker left on a buoy. It might as well be a ghost ship. She says, then he’ll be the first ghost, and lunges at him, but Watkins runs in, and Victor says, get her off him, as Trina jets.

On the phone, Laura says, where are you? Please call me the minute you get this message. Esme asks if Laura thinks Spencer might be ignoring her calls because he helped Victor kidnap Ace, but Laura says, she told Esme, Spencer wouldn’t do anything like this. Her fear is, Spencer is in as much danger as Baby Ace is right now.

Spencer paces in his stateroom, and hears someone at the door. He looks around, and grabs a bottle from the bar. The door opens, and he nearly smashes Trina in the head with it.

Victor’s henchman is in the interrogation room, and Robert says, cat’s got his tongue? That is his right, but Robert has a few ways of making him change his mind. Don’t worry. Robert isn’t going to rough him up; he’s here to make him a deal. Diane walks in, and says, she’ll make him a better one.

Sonny asks Jordan how Anna is, but she says, no news from the operating room. He asks what they have to do to nail Victor, and she asks Dante, what if Nikolas’s disappearance is related to Victor? Did Nikolas go into hiding and ask his uncle to deliver his son Ace to him? Sonny says, what about Ace? and Dante says, Esme was at home alone with Ace at Laura’s apartment. A man forced his way in and attacked Esme, but they have security footage of the guy. Turns out he works for Victor Cassadine. Sonny says, Lucy, Anna, Obrecht, now Ace. They gotta stop Victor.

Willow thanks Carly and Drew for coming in person to tell them about Liesl, and for everyone’s efforts in finding her. Carly says, if Willow needs anything, let her know. She can even take Wiley and Amelia if Willow needs her rest. Drew says, the kids can sleep at the main house if she wants, and hang out with Scout and Leo. Scout can’t get enough of Amelia. Willow thanks them, but says she’s fine, and Drew says, if she changes her mind, the door is always open. Carly says, call if she needs anything, and she and Drew leave. Michael takes Willow’s hand, and says, it’s okay if she’s not fine. Fear, disappointment, anger, frustration; whatever it is, it’s okay to feel.

Dante says, they have to track down Victor fast. He’s abducted an innocent child, and if he’s got Liesl Obrecht, that means Willow’s life is in the balance too. Sonny wonders if this is related to Nikolas, and Jordan says, it’s possible. If Victor’s trying to make this a family exodus, he may amass other Cassadines, even by force. Dante says, Cassadines like Alexis and Sam, and he leaves.

Esme says, it’s pretty clear she and Ace aren’t safe in Port Charles, but Laura says, Victor will be found and punished, and Esme has more support and protection here than she would on her own. Esme says, maybe she can’t keep Ace safe anywhere, but she has to try. As soon as she gets her baby back, she’s taking him far away from here.

Spencer tells Trina to get in the room, and quickly shuts the door. He asks if she’s okay, and she thanks him for the warm welcome. He grabs her and hugs her, and asks if she’s all right. She says she followed him here, and he asks why she would do that. She says she had the feeling he was in trouble, and she was right; Victor is crazy. He has Ace and Dr. Obrecht. Spencer wonders why he’d do this, but she says, they’ll figure it out later. They need to get out before the guard comes back, and sees the deadbolt unlocked. They need to get off this boat. Please. He says he wants to, but he can’t right now.

Watkins plops Obrecht in a chair, and Victor says he can make this easy for her or hard. She says, hard, and he says, there was a time when that might have caused a stirring in his loins. I laaaugh, and he says, but right now, it’s just annoying. She knows him well enough to know he means business. She says she knows him well enough to know she wants nothing to do with whatever demented plot he has in mind, and he says, they don’t have to be antagonists. Work with him, and her family – whatever’s left of it – will be safe and unharmed. She asks if he’s threatening Maxie, Nina, and Willow, and her grandson James, and he says, all of the above, and he’ll throw in Scotty Baldwin for good measure.

Nina says she understands what Scotty means. Sometimes you feel like an outsider looking in with the people you love. Like Sonny. He’ll share his emotions with her, but not necessarily what’s happening in his business. Scotty wonders if they’re talking about the coffee business, and Nina says, Willow is the opposite. She’ll tell Nina about her condition, but won’t share her heart. He says he’s sorry. He’s been worried about Liesl, and didn’t think about Nina. Her aunt is missing, and her daughter needs a life-saving surgery that can’t happen if they don’t find Liesl. Nina says, what if she never gets to be a mother?

Michael tells Willow that it’s not self-indulgent to worry about her situation. If she feels resentment, he won’t judge her. If she feels defeated, he’ll bolster her. Just talk to him. She asks him to do her a favor. She could use some warm cocoa… with a few marshmallows, and whipped cream would be welcome. He says he’s on it, and goes to the kitchen. Willow slips to the floor, and cry/screams silently as she rocks back and forth.

Drew says, Willow’s been through so much, and Carly says, and she’s so unselfish. After everything she’s been through, she’s thinking of everybody else first. Drew says, she’s remarkable, and so’s her support system, but Carly says she doesn’t feel like she’s giving Willow much support. She feels so helpless right now.

Laura asks Esme not to make any hasty decision, especially after a head injury, and Esme says, Laura thinks because she got knocked on the head she doesn’t know what’s best for her son? Laura says, no. Esme’s been through a major trauma. Her body right now is in fight or flight. So all of her fears and anxieties are heightened right now, and on top of that, she might have a concussion. So the best thing for her to do right now is just breathe and take it easy and focus on her health, so when Ace comes back, he’ll have his mother at her best. Esme says, that’s the most important thing, that Ace comes home, and Laura says, he will. She’s going to find Esme’s doctor, and see if there are any results from her tests. She leaves, and Esme looks miserable.

Jordan tells Sonny, the PCPD will clear Anna in Lucy Coe’s shooting, but as an officer of the law, she can’t condone Anna’s escape, or her months as a fugitive, but she admires the people who went so far too help a friend. Dante comes back, and says, Alexis, Sam, and her sisters are fine, and will stay vigilant. Laura joins them, and Sonny says, he heard about Esme’s baby. Laura must be out of her mind with worry about her grandson. Laura says, grandsons, plural. Spencer might have also been taken by Victor against his will. Sonny says, son of a bitch. He just wants her to know, he’s already on it. Don’t worry.

Diane and Robert come out of the interrogation room, and Robert asks, what’s going on? This guy here tried to kill Lucy. He works for the guy who shot Anna, and he stole a baby. Diane says, stole a baby? What baby? If Robert wants her client to give him information, he has to do the same. Quid pro quo. He says, one of Victor’s other employees stole Spencer Cassadine’s baby brother. She says, Spencer must be devastated, and he says, now does she get what’s going on here? She says, more than ever. Which is why she’s asking him to refrain from questioning her client. She’ll handle it. He asks how this garbage bag turned out to be her client. What’s going on? She says, he asked her to trust him when they broke into Victor Cassadine’s room at the MetroCourt hotel. She’s asking him to do the same. Can he trust her? He doesn’t say anything, and she says, thank you, and goes back into the interrogation room.

Spencer tells Trina that he can’t abandon his baby brother. He doesn’t know which stateroom Ace is in, but he does know the nanny from hell is guarding him. She says, his uncle might be a power mad freak, but she doubts he’ll hurt a baby. If they get away, they can send help back here. He says, even if they were close enough to shore to use a tender to get back, Victor could be far enough away that the authorities can’t reach him. How will they recognize the Haunted Star? Trina says, Victor did tell Dr. Obrecht that the boat is untraceable. Nobody knows she’s here, and her phone doesn’t have reception. She can float around this ship unseen, and look for a way to raise the alarm. He says, like the Phantom of the Haunted Star? Even if she were able to evade those guards, they could be on the ship for days. What’s she going to eat? Where’s she going to sleep? I might add here that she’s still wearing her Nurses Ball outfit too. She says she might be their only hope of going home, and he says, all right, but he’s going with her. She says, and how long before the guards see he’s escaped? He has to stay put to buy her time. He says he’s in awe of her bravery, but for once, he really needs her to be a coward and not a superhero.

Scotty thanks Nina for telling him about Liesl, and says, they hit a bit of a rough patch, but he’s still crazy about her. Nina says, her too, and he says, Liesl will be fine. Willow will be fine. The surgery will be delayed, but he promises it will happen. Nina says she knows that with her entire heart, and she’s the one who should be telling Willow that right now.

Outside somewhere, Carly says, someone might see them, but Drew says he doesn’t care. The good things in their lives aren’t guaranteed – he hugs her – so he wants to hold on to the good things in his life while he can. They hug again.

Michael comes back with Willow’s cocoa, and asks if she’s okay. She says she was so close. She was so close to forever. He puts his arms around her, and she clings to him.

Laura goes into Esme’s room, and says she talked to the doctor, and he wants to keep her overnight for observation. But tomorrow morning when he releases her, Laura can pick her up and take her back home… if she wants to. Laura takes Esme’s hand, and says she wishes she could guarantee Esme would be safe 24/7, but she can’t make that promise. As mothers, they have to come to terms with the fact they can’t protect their children from absolutely everything. The same is true of grandmothers. She can make Esme two promises. One, they’ll bring Ace back home, and two, she’ll make sure Victor is punished for the things he’s done. Esme says, and go find Spencer too, and Laura says, yes. Esme says, then she guesses she’ll see Laura when Laura picks her up, and they hug.  

Obrecht asks if Victor knows what his biggest fault is, and he says, no, but he’s sure she’s about to tell him. She says he suffers from delusions of grandeur. They’ve led him to fail time and time again. First, as Director of the WSB, and second, the debacle at Creighton-Clark. Third, the catastrophe on Crete. He could never contend with mere power and wealth; nein. His exploits must be epic, monumental. He asks if she can blame a man for wanting to leave his mark on the world, and she says, and yet all he has to show for it is a trail of bodies, and a family who chooses to hide, or he forces onto a barge. Just like his other devious schemes, this one will blow up in his face. Pun intended. Victor says, get her out of here, and she laughs as Watkins drags her out, and says, auf Wiedersehen, Victor.

Diane comes out, and Robert says, she asked him to trust her. He assumes her mission was to extract information. She says, it was, and makes a call. She says, Sonny? She did as he requested. Sonny asks if Obrecht was taken on Victor’s orders, and she says, she was, and if her client hadn’t been apprehended, he was to join his boss on a voyage out of town. Sonny says, voyage?

Sonny thanks Diane, and Jordan asks if he has information relevant to her investigation. He says he knows where they can find Victor.

Spencer tells Trina, Britt tried to be a hero, and now she’s gone. Promise him that she’ll be careful. She says, of course (🍷) she will, and he says he means it. He can’t stand to lose her too. She says, he can’t get rid of her if he tried, and they kiss. She gives Spencer one last look, and slips out of the room, locking the door again.

Tomorrow, Sam asks Cody what Gladys did that he needs to warn Sasha; Portia says, it’s too late for that; Laura asks if history is repeating itself; and Trina tells Spencer that she thinks she found a way off the ship.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey

I call Teresa an a-hole during the opening credits, claiming my attitude already. Danielle brings the clothes for the Bougie Kids pop-up at Envy. In Danielle’s interview, she says she’s online, but it’s hard to sell merchandise through a picture. Melissa does an Instagram Live, and the clothes are actually pretty cute. Jennifer comes to the store, and looks at the stuff for grown-ups. She asks Melissa if she’s okay with her and Dolores being bridesmaids, and we flash back to Melissa saying, being in the wedding now would be like seeing an ex-boyfriend. In Jennifer’s interview, she wonders why Melissa broke the olive branch that was extended to her, and in Melissa’s interview, she says she’s trying to push aside the feelings of being excluded. She doesn’t want to go on the Ireland trip with a chip on her shoulder. Danielle gripes about Rachel throwing her under the bus, and calls her a rat. In her interview, Melissa says, where she comes from, a rat is the lowest of the low, and in Danielle’s interview, she says, when she tells someone they hurt her, and then they come at her, they’re not sorry. She forgives but doesn’t forget.

Everyone packs for the trip. I love Marge’s dog Bella, so tiny and cute. Paul’s brother David and his wife Monica are visiting, and David says, it’s funny how they’re here to party in the USA, while Dolores is going to Ireland to party. In Dolores’s interview, she says, for their first anniversary, Paul took her to a castle in Ireland and she met his family. They’re a lot like hers, and she thinks it bonds them. She likes that she’ll be playing tour guide, but she’s dealing with picky bitches. She has some activities planned, but she’s nervous bringing them somewhere rural and ancient. It’s not their jive. Paul tells her, if there’s a fight, remove all the glassware, and Monica suggests plastic cups. We flash back to the last fight, and Paul adds, no coffee. Marge bitches to Joe #3 about the coffee reader using her word endorsements. Melissa tells Joe #2 that she hasn’t seen Teresa since they were at Rachel’s house, and in their corner, Louie tells Teresa that it’s impossible to communicate with Joe without getting his theatrical anger. It’s unhealthy, and he doesn’t have the energy for it. He tells Teresa not to give any of her power to that darkness, and she says she doesn’t want to be triggered by nonsense. Jennifer tells Bill that she wants to have a bachelorette party for Teresa, and she’s going to be avoiding Marge unless she has something specific to say. Now her daughter wants to be a love therapist, and she can’t forget that. Neither can the rest of us. She reminds Bill that the therapist said she was impressed that Jennifer hadn’t told anyone about Bill’s affair. I don’t know if that’s something to get a pat on the back for, and we flash back to the session. Bill says, the therapist was insightful, and Jennifer asks if he wants to participate in family therapy with the kids. He says he’ll have to give up his hobby of golf, but she says, his hobby is hanging around the pool house. He asks if he shouldn’t be his true self, and she says, he left his true self at the altar. If she didn’t care, she’d tell him to go to the pool house and never come back. She thinks they should continue therapy, and he says, maybe. In Jennifer’s interview, she says, it’s not a no. If a maybe is all she can get, she’ll take it. She wants to see him making an effort, and went to therapy to get him to acknowledge her feelings. It’s for their kids.  

The women meet at the airport, and in Rachel’s interview, she says, it’s not the ideal situation, traveling another country with someone you’re not friends with, but she’s not letting Danielle ruin her trip. In Marge’s interview, she says she’s ignoring Jennifer. It’s a big castle. We know they’re in Ireland because the music changes, and a limo bus with snacks and drinks takes them to Ballinlough Castle. Dolores tells them it’s 400 years old, and Melissa says she’s scared. There are a lot of haunted old castles in Ireland. In Melissa’s interview, she says she’s a scaredy cat. She’s scared of the dark and ghosts, and she’s afraid her dad will pop up and want to talk to her. Dolores says, there are nine bedrooms and seven bathrooms. She’s taking the nice room (like there will be not nice rooms), and Teresa is the bride, so she gets the other big room. The rest they’ll pick out of a hat. Good thing Ramona isn’t with them. Melissa thinks Jennifer should roast them again, the way she did in Jamaica, and we flash back to Jennifer doing pretty accurate imitations of everyone. Dolores says, Jen went to acting school, and Teresa asks if she met any actors. Jen says she became a talent agent, but she did sleep with James Gandolfini. I don’t want to even think about this, but in Melissa’s interview, she says, who gets to f*** Tony Soprano? The women fire questions at her, and in Jen’s interview, she says, they met before The Sopranos. He took her to an S&M bar where they hung out and drank. Then they went back to his apartment. He’s the one that got away, but he’s also the one who was never really there. Melissa says, maybe his spirit will come to the castle.

They get to the castle, which is of course glorious, and in Danielle’s interview, she says she’s from Staten Island and this is a different kind of bachelorette experience than she’s used to. They get the tour, and Melissa’s says, there’s typical haunted type artwork on the walls, scaring Teresa. They pick their rooms, and in Jennifer’s interview, she says she doesn’t care where she sleeps because she sleeps in a palace every night. She ends up getting the best room with a gorgeous bathroom attached, and she tells us, forget what she said. She’s enjoying this. The universe gave her the best room, so suck it. Hmmm… I think that’s one of the main reasons most of the Housewives turn toxic – they think life is a competition. Teresa’s room has what Marge dubs a Rapunzel tower, and in Melissa’s interview, she says, her room doesn’t matter. She’s not going to be sleeping in it alone. She’s bunking with one of the others.

They have a fabulous buffet lunch, and in Marge’s interview, she says, Melissa is cozying up to Teresa, and wonders if something is in the air. As soon as the servers leave the room, Dolores reminds the women that they’re in Ireland. They’re not in New Jersey anymore, so calm down and don’t be rude. Like how Jackie called out the coffee reader. Jackie says she didn’t want a reading. It was upsetting everyone. Marge says, that was Jennifer’s fault. The reader knew the answers ahead of time. Jennifer tries to act innocent, but everyone agrees it looked manipulated. Marge says, the reader used the word endorsed, and Jennifer says she only told the reader that she and Marge had a fight. In Jennifer’s interview, she says she called the night before, just to make sure the reader had enough matching cups, and they had a little conversation. When she said endorsement, Jennifer was like, f***. Marge says, Jennifer tainted the witness. You’re not allowed to call the jury the night before. In Marge’s interview, she says, it was her exact vernacular. No one would have known what she said, except Jennifer’s expert witness Teresa outed her. You’re voted guilty, sh*thead. We flash back to the reader talking about Marge having had a falling out, and seeing the letter L. Jennifer says she was shocked. It wasn’t something the reader would know. L said a lot of sh*t, some of which, she’d never repeat. Marge says, only to Danielle, and Danielle says, Jennifer just told her to be aware. Marge says, she’s spreading untruths. In her interview, Danielle says, Jennifer said, Laura told her something she’d never repeat. She wonders what it is. Jennifer knows something big that she’s not telling. What do they know that the rest of them don’t?

In Jennifer’s interview, she says, Marge can’t stand that she knows it, and she loves it. Dolores tells them to meet in the lobby before they go out. Jen suggests they not drop the L word anymore, and Danielle says, let’s rally. Danielle corrals Jennifer in her room, and says she can’t believe what happened at lunch. Jennifer says, Marge is pissed that she doesn’t know what Laura told her. When someone does you dirty, and an ex-friend says they have info you want to hear, you’re intrigued. I dunno. I can’t say I have friends who would behave like that, but I think I’d cut that person loose real fast if I did. Danielle says, Jennifer told them the other stuff, but Jennifer says, that was petty. There’s a family involved, and she doesn’t want to do something similar to what was done to her, which turned out to be true. Geez. You don’t think it’s about an affair, do you? She tells Danielle that she will say, it’s about someone they all know. Laura made her and Teresa swear not to tell. Danielle says, it must be about Melissa. What is it? Jennifer says, Marge was told some rumor from somebody who worked with both of them, and saw Melissa in the back seat of a car with a guy. This person told Marge that they were making out. Danielle says, that’s a bomb, and in Danielle’s interview, she says, it’s shocking because she doesn’t want to believe it. Jennifer says, maybe it was a one-time thing, and it was over, but Marge really does have an arsenal. Jennifer says, she knows all this stuff, and if Marge pisses her off, she can get her back. In her interview, Danielle says, Marge wouldn’t be so pissed about someone saying she had an arsenal if she didn’t have it. Jennifer says, Teresa is pissed, and said she believes it, and Danielle wonders if it’s another reason Melissa’s not in the wedding. She didn’t know the magnitude. Jennifer tells her, just let it go away, and Danielle says she’s not touching it with a ten-foot pole. Nine, maybe. In Danielle’s interview, she says she wishes she’d stayed out of it. Now she’s put herself in the middle. Not yet, but I’m sure she will. She tells Jennifer, you don’t come back from that.

In her interview, Danielle says she had the quintessential bachelorette party, with penis everything. In Marge’s interview, she says she didn’t have a party, but she’d slept with enough men; it’s fine. In Teresa’s interview, she says, for her first bachelorette, they went to a female stripper club in Long Island. I think she means male stripper, but I get the logic in her head… which is a little scary. She thinks she might have seen Channon Taming. I translate that to Channing Tatum. Danielle says, let’s get messy, and they do shots. They chant, Up the Dubs, and head to the restaurant. In Dolores’s interview, she says she never had a bachelorette party. Maybe they can make this a little bit about her. Jennifer says she saw a sash that said Single Tonight, but didn’t know if anyone would wear it. Everyone at the table is like, not me, and Danielle asks if anyone sends naughty pics to their man while they’re away. Rachel goes, eww (which would be my reaction), and in her interview, she says she doesn’t need to. They’ve been married six years. It still looks the same. Danielle wonders, if she sent Joe #2 a pic of someone else, would he know it wasn’t Melissa? and sends Joe a cleavage shot. Melissa gets a text from Joe, saying, who’s that? Marge says, the man knows his t*ts, and in Danielle’s interview, she says, everything is good on the home front. Joe knows Melissa’s boobs. It’s all good. They toast to Teresa, then talk about the bridesmaids’ dresses. Jen asks why Teresa chose Jennifer and Dolores as bridesmaids, and Teresa says, they’re supporters of her and Louie. She hesitated though, since she didn’t want another problem with her brother. If he had only called her about not inviting Melissa’s mom. Melissa says, that’s not what she told everyone else. She’d said, there was history. Teresa says, she meant back in the day, and Melissa reminds her that they didn’t speak back then either. Jennifer says, Teresa just invited Melissa out of obligation, and Marge says, back that up.

Teresa tells Jennifer that she doesn’t need any help, and in Marge’s interview, she says, Teresa put Jennifer in the bridal party out of obligation, so just sit there and shut up. Melissa suggests Jennifer stop talking for Teresa, since she’s putting her foot in her mouth. Teresa says she’s not perfect, and made a mistake. She thought if she invited Melissa’s mom, she had to invite everybody. She just wishes her brother had told her. Melissa says she thinks he assumed her mom would be invited, but Teresa says, she just didn’t think about it. Maybe there were suds from that love bubble in her brain. In Rachel’s interview, she says, her sister-in-law and mother-in-law are invited to everything. The problem is Melissa’s mother not being invited in the first place, number one, and number two, the gasoline being poured on it by Teresa doubling down. In Dolores’s interview, she says, don’t get mad; call. If Teresa says she doesn’t want your mother there, then run your mouth. Teresa says she can’t understand why Joe is pissed. She’s the coolest sister, and he keeps trying to make her look bad. He threw her under the bus, and she never does that to him. Everyone wonders if they’re being punked, and she says she always covers for her brother. He should make this her happiest time. Jackie tells them, don’t fight, but Teresa says, Melissa’s not stopping. She should blame her friend Jen. In Melissa’s interview, she says, there’s zero accountability from Teresa. It’s always someone else’s fault; mostly her fault. She calls it delusional. Melissa suggests they not talk about negative things. Jackie says she has a limerick, and recites (as close as I can get), there once was a girl from Paramus, who was really friendly and amorous. Please bear in mind if you ask her to find a psychic, she might go and scam us. Everyone laughs, but in Jennifer’s interview, she says she doesn’t find it amusing. Which isn’t a surprise, since Jackie isn’t the funny one of the group. Next. Jen does a limerick about Rachel’s nose being made fun of by some of those hoes.

Next time, taking the party to the bar; Jennifer asks if Marge knows what boogawolf means – I didn’t, so I looked it up and it’s an ugly person; Marge thinks Danielle is a sh*t starter; and Melissa and Teresa’s peace doesn’t last for long.

📸 My take. Marge might have an arsenal, but not necessarily because she goes around seeking info. And I don’t think she looks for people to target. Wrong as it might have been, she let fly at Jennifer about Bill’s affair because she’d had enough. Danielle is most definitely a sh*t stirrer. She pumped Jennifer for the information, then pretended like she was sorry she’d asked. Maybe she’s amassing an arsenal. And Jennifer. Danielle didn’t have to pump too hard, and Jennifer seems to be the one who can’t control her mouth when it comes to gossip. Although what can I expect from awful people?

🕌 And You Get a Castle…

In case you want to make reservations.

https://www.ballinloughcastle.ie/

🏖  This week’s Summer House wasn’t quite as awful, but just the celebration of Kyle’s 40^th birthday inspired by his mullet made it awful enough. Carl told Kyle about wanting to call Lindsay’s dad to ask if their marriage would be cool with him. Kyle said he waited until he already had the ring, but there was no playbook or rules. In Carl’s interview, he said he was going with what was right in his heart, and we flashed back to selections from his relationship with Lindsay. He said he just knew he was happy and in love, and wanted to take the next step with his best friend. He wanted to make it official. Kyle told him to trust his gut, and Carl said he was prepared for people saying he was moving too fast.  Mya pointed out that Sam was working hard on Kory, and in Ciara’s interview, she said she wanted a relationship, not a casual summer fling. She’d just gotten done with an idiot. We flashed back to Austen. Paige and some of the other girls woke Craig and Kory by smacking them with tortillas. Is that a thing? In Kyle’s interview, he said he’d thrown a few theme parties in his day, and we flashed back to those. He asked, how would Kyle Cooke turn 40? It was pretty damn obvious. He wanted to go into his 40s with a bang, and was throwing a balls to the wall party. Haybales, arrived, and inflatable cows and horses were set up, along with Kyle’s face all over. Kory and Sam took a booze run, and in Carl’s interview, he said, it was a huge milestone for Kyle. He could 100% see Kyle being 80 years old at the shore house, ripping, tearing, and sending it. He imitated Kyle as an old man.

In the car, Sam asked Kory what type of girl he liked, and he said, attractive, as well as being able to take humor and not get upset. She asked if he was guilty of taking it too far, and he said, for sure. He asked if Sam’s feelings were easily hurt, and she said it was hard to hurt her feelings. He asked, when was the last time she cried, and she admitted it was two weeks ago, but before that, she hadn’t cried in like a year and a half. He asked what made her cry, and she flashed back to Mya telling her that she talked too much. Rachel showed up with Jason, and in Amanda’s interview, she said, Rachel was a creative genius. Whatever she touched was pure magic. I wondered why she was wasting her genius on a mullet hoedown, but to each his own. Rachel said she was making a big flower wall, and she and Jason had hung out a bunch this summer. Nothing serious; just a hot girl summer. As soon as Lindsay saw Jason, she ran upstairs, like the newly mature person she is.

Danielle told Carl about Jason, and in Danielle’s interview, she said, even though she and Lindsay weren’t having the greatest friendship right now, if Lindsay was upset, she’d be there for her. It wasn’t a switch she could flip off. Lindsay told Carl that she didn’t want Jason to even say hi to her, because apparently, we’re 5. In Carl’s interview, he said, it was awkward in Vermont with Lindsay and Jason. They’d been through something traumatic together. We flashed back to the headlines about Lindsay’s pregnancy, and Jason saying she could have given him a heads up before she went public. In his interview, Carl said he thought all that had been cleared up, but Lindsay said Jason was bringing up old memories and pain. Carl asked how he could be supportive, and Lindsay said it was best Jason not talk to her and steer very clear. Carl told Jason that Lindsay hadn’t known he was going to be there, and it was for the best he not interact with her. Everyone dressed more than a little bit country, and Sam put on assless chaps. Amanda attached more hair to Kyle’s mullet, and in her interview, she said, Kyle had wanted the mullet for his 40^th, and now that it was here, she hoped part of his new maturity would be to cut it. But she knew she couldn’t ask him to grow up, be more mature, or change, so she accepted she was stuck with it. Kyle checked himself out, and said, Look out Kid Rock. Kory told Craig that he and Sam vibed pretty well, and Oliver arrived. Everyone drank a shot to the Hamptons hoedown, and in Lindsay’s interview, she said, it wasn’t their first hoedown. We flashed back to a hoedown from the past, and she said, the only difference was, the mullet was real.

Ciara told Amanda that she thought Kory was hot, and like Gary from Below Deck, I’m not getting it. Chris is a hundred times hotter. Why does no one seem interested? Does he not put the seat down or something? In Chris’s interview, he said, there was a new sheriff in town. He had both glasses full and was ready to take shots. In Gabby’s interview, she babbled about astrology, and I tuned out. Sam said Kory had so much passion, but doubted it was going to work out. Ciara said, Kory was hot and hilarious, but had boy tendencies, and in her interview, she said she’d entertained the possibility of flirting with Kory, but didn’t want to enter into another triangle. We flashed back again to Austen, this time with Lindsay, and Ciara said she’d just gotten done with that. Danielle told Ciara that she still had a lot to say to Lindsay, but she wasn’t going to say it. Ciara said she thought Lindsay was more mad because of how things were brought up, not what was said. In Danielle’s interview, she said, it was unlike her and Lindsay not to talk for so long, but she felt validated about how she was feeling about things. Lindsay wasn’t suggesting they fix it together.

Carl said he and Lindsay were having a housewarming, and Kyle said, this was the longest relationship Carl had held down. Carl said, it was scary. They’d been together nine months. Craig said he and Paige started dating at the same time, and they weren’t ready to move in, but he wondered what the next chapter would be. Paige told him that she couldn’t be engaged to someone she didn’t live with. She’d said things like, when they have kids, they’ll live in Charleston, but they hadn’t even played out next year. There was dancing, drinking, and riding inflatable ponies, as well as riding the mechanical bull. Gabby told Sam that when she asked what Kory thought of Sam, he said they were vibing. In Sam’s interview, she said that she was 100% sure Kory was one of those dudes who didn’t text back as soon as you got feelings for him. So of course she was inexplicably having a crush on him. Luke showed up, and in Gabby’s interview, she said, she and Luke matched on a dating site. They chatted, but he didn’t get back to her during the pandemic. In the Midwestern Country of Hamptons or something, it looks like cosmically maybe her love potion is working.

Craig and Paige sat down, and Craig mentioned that they’d been dating a similar amount time as Carl and Lindsay, although Carl and Lindsay had known each other longer. The guys were asking about them, and he said, they’d discussed things in terms of when they settled down, but how do they get there? They never talk about the middle chapters. Paige said, they’d been dating about a year, and she was almost 30. She’d thought she’d be engaged by 30, but now she didn’t want that. She could wait another year before he proposed. Craig said, they went from one to two years. He was happy with waiting until next year, but when would Paige be ready to move? Paige said, that’s a lot, and Craig said, if he proposed wouldn’t she want to live together? She said, proposals and living together went hand in hand, and Craig said he never thought they’d be talking like it was something they had to do. Paige said, if he proposed, it would be amazing, but it would start the clock; when are they moving, and when are they planning the wedding? It would be changing her whole life, and she’d be changing more than him. She had no friends in Charleston, and her whole career was here. Her family all lived in New York, and she didn’t want to leave her mom.  She started to cry.

Paige said, Craig would never move to New York, but he said he would for her. If she was ready settle down, he’d think of moving. He loved Charleston, but not more than her, and she loved New York more than him. Good answer. Kudos to Craig. I’m actually surprised, since he’s been such an a-hole. Paige said, it’s the greatest city in the world, and I concurred. Lindsay told Luke that Danielle had strong opinions about her relationship with Carl, and attacked her at dinner. She tried to blame Lindsay for the change in their friendship, but last summer, Lindsay was single. In Lindsay’s interview, she said, Danielle accused her of not being a good friend, but sorry if their friendship looked different now. She’d spent a lifetime searching for the love of her life (not too dramatic), and Danielle should be happy for her. It would never occur to Lindsay to hold her friends back because she wanted a drinking buddy.  Amanda wished a happy 40^th to Kyle MF’ing Cooke. He’d always said age was just a number, and he’d been the ultimate example. She thanked him for keeping her young, but not for making her feel very old. Kyle – now dressed in a bandana and not much else – said, his friends put so much work into this party, and it meant the world to him. He lifted his bandana, and no one will ever be able to unsee that. He kind of looked like the Naked Cowboy, except not as handsome.

A country band played, and Kyle sang with them. In his interview, he said, the party was everything he could ask for and more. He was the happiest man alive. Good friends, good music, good drink, and good vibes. Chris wisely chose to talk to a girl outside of the group, and she told him that if she drank tequila, she had too much fun. Chris magically produced a bottle, and said he’d been saving the last shot for just this moment. In Chris’s interview, a producer asked why she stood out to him, and he wondered how to put it in nice terms. The producer cautioned him, and he said, she had a golden smile, beautiful hair, and denim shorts. He was going to see where things went. Amanda said she sang off-tune and it made her cry, and Paige said she cried earlier today when Craig wanted to discuss their relationship. He asked where she saw things going in the next year, and she said she didn’t see herself moving to Charleston in a year. She didn’t want to get engaged in another year, and started to cry because she got overwhelmed. Can her mother move to Charleston? Amanda wondered why Paige should leave her life, and Paige said the thought was scary. Amanda said it was exciting and terrifying, but Craig loved her and should make sacrifices and be willing to adjust. Paige said she felt better now.

Danielle told Lindsay that she didn’t even say hi to Jason before she told him not to bother Lindsay, and Lindsay said it was a good reminder of their friendship. It hadn’t felt like that in a while. Danielle said, and vice versa. She hadn’t wanted girls night to get to the level it did. She just thought it was something they could talk about. Lindsay said she felt attacked, but Danielle said that was incredibly wrong. She just wanted to have a conversation with Lindsay. Lindsay suggested she have it like this, and not in front of other people. She didn’t handle that well. If Danielle cared, she would have come to Lindsay, and not everyone else. Instead of finding out about her from other people, how about asking how she felt once in a while? Danielle said that she didn’t feel that Lindsay heard her, or that it was an equal partnership. Danielle had always been there for Lindsay, but Lindsay wasn’t there for her. Lindsay said she hadn’t needed to be, and if that’s how Danielle felt, why were they even friends? Danielle said she thought they were growing in different directions because of Carl, and Lindsay said, she and Carl were not in a relationship, but Danielle said it wasn’t about that. She should be allowed to talk how she wants, even if it’s in a group setting. Lindsay said, if Danielle did that, she’d pull back. If she had an opinion about Danielle’s relationship with Robert, she’d be more respectful, and not attack Danielle. Danielle asked why Lindsay was so defensive, and Lindsay said she trusted that Danielle was an adult who could make good decisions, and Danielle said, Lindsay assumed she had it all figured out, but she needed help too. She was struggling. Lindsay insisted on giving Danielle a hug, and said she was sorry and loved Danielle.  

To be continued…

🌪 Not In Kansas Anymore…

Make a return trip tomorrow for soap and VanderRuling. Until then, stay safe, stay not living someone else’s life, and stay remembering, whatever it is, it’s okay to feel.