What I Watched Today

(rambling, random thoughts & annoyingly detailed recaps from real time TV watching)

General Hospital

Somewhere in Greenland. The weather isn’t great, and a guard tells Victor that they just got the new power back on. Victor says, imagine coming all this way just to be thwarted by a power failure. He walks to a thick metal door, and says, here it is. Everything he’s ever worked for lies behind this door.

Anna asks what Holly is saying. Cassadine technology from the 80s was deadly. Are their friends walking into a trap or what? Holly tells Anna that she can’t say for certain, but from what Ethan heard, Victor’s plans have been decades in the making. God help their friends if that’s what’s happening. God help all of them.

Carly says, Willow and Michael look so happy, and so in love, and Michael says, that’s because they are. Willow says, and it’s their wedding day.

On the phone, Nina asks Martin to let her know what they say, and thanks him. Sonny comes out, and asks why she was talking to her lawyer.

A guard slides the door open for Victor, and they walk into an old lab. Victor says, Mikkos, you old boy, you did not disappoint. Finally, after all these years, the end is in sight. He tells the guard, it’s in there, pointing to what looks like a freezer, and tells another one to bring the prisoners. It’s time they earned their keep.

Robert asks if Ethan was able to tell Holly anything else, and she says, apparently, Victor told his personnel that the only people guaranteed to be safe when he finally executes his plan are the people closest to him. Anna asks what the hell that means, and Robert says, nothing good for the likes of them.

Nina says, Scotty’s been preoccupied with Aunt Liesl, so she called Martin to look into a matter for her, and Sonny asks if she’s in trouble. She says, nothing like that; it’s just something she has to do. She also wants to open up a trust for Amelia and Wiley. She’s sure Michael and Willow have that covered, but it’s the only way she can spoil her grandchildren. He says, she’s going to have plenty of opportunity. Have faith. He wonders how he can cheer her up, and hugs her. She says, this helps.

Josslyn arrives at the gatehouse, and tells Carly that she looks beautiful. She asks if she can help the kids get ready. Does Willow need anything? Willow says she’s good. Everything is perfect. There’s a knock at the door, and Michael opens it to Maxie standing there with Chase and Dante. She says, we have a major problem. The makeup artist’s plane was cancelled; they’re not going to have enough time to prep Willow. Like Willow needs a lot of prep. She’s the healthiest looking person on her deathbed ever. Michael says, is that it? and Maxie asks what he means. Does he know anything about beauty? Dante says, he knows it when he sees it, and Willow says she can do her own makeup, but Maxie says, that’s not going to happen. Willow’s only job today is to feel pampered and walk down that aisle. Besides, she called for back-up. Brook and Sasha are coming with some Deception products. She’s not going to let anything ruin this night for Willow. Chase says, Maxie has instructed them to remove the groom, and Michael says he knows better than to argue with Maxie. He’s going to grab his suit. He asks if Willow wants him to take the kids, and Willow says she doesn’t want to wake Amelia, but he can take Wiley and she’ll bring Amelia with them. He says, this is the last time he’s seeing her before she becomes his wife, and he wants to remember this moment. She says she’ll never forget it, and they hug.

Nina tells Sonny that she wishes she could stay like this all afternoon, but today is about Willow and Michael. And doesn’t he look handsome. He says, that’s a lot, coming from the editor-in-chief of Crimson, and she says she wishes she could have helped do something for the wedding, like network designers to make sure Willow got the perfect wedding dress or choose the flowers. She was fantasizing what it would be like to be mother of the bride. He says, Willow’s going to come around; trust him on that. She says, hold that thought, and runs out of the room. There’s a knock at the door, and Sonny answers it to Ava and Avery, who runs to him for a hug. He asks Avery to take twirl in her dress, and thanks Ava for bringing her by. Ava says, of course (🍷). Avery’s so excited about the wedding. Nina comes back, and says, Avery looks beautiful. Is she ready to be a flower girl with Donna? Avery nods, and asks if she can have a snack first. Sonny takes her to the kitchen, and Ava asks what Nina has there, pointing to a little box in Nina’s hands.

Anna says, if Victor said only those closest to him will be safe, they can assume there will be devastating consequences for the rest of them; for the rest of the world, quite frankly. Holly says, the guards seemed to think that those closest meant those in proximity to Victor, and Anna says, that man will only keep people alive who are useful to him, but he does have Spencer and Ace. What if the people closest to him are the ones he cares about… if he’s even capable of that?

The guard whacks at the lock on the freezer, and Victor asks, what’s taking so long? Another guard brings in Obrecht, Spencer, and Trina, and Victor says, finally, their distinguished guests. Spencer asks, what is this dump? and Victor says, this is the future. In just a few moments, Obrecht will be performing scientific wonders right here in this room. Obrecht says, he can’t expect her to work here, but he tells her not to be deceived by appearances. She has everything she needs. The guard breaks the lock open, and Victor says he hopes they realize how privileged they are. They’re about to witness the dawning of a new age. The guard tries to get the lid open, and Victor asks, what’s the hold up? The guard says, it’s jammed, and Victor says, unjam it. Trina asks what Spencer thinks is in there, and he says, the pathogen Victor was talking about. She says, they can’t let him get his hands on it, and Spencer says, maybe the lid is broken, but Obrecht says, that won’t stop Victor. They get the freezer open, and Victor takes out a cannister. He says, it’s all here. At last, the power to set the world right.

Holly says, it’s only a theory, but what if Victor has some kind of bomb? and Anna says, it would certainly fit his doomsday scenario. Robert wonders what Victor could possibly accomplish with a bomb, and Holly says she doesn’t know, but it would explain why he’s gathering his loved ones around; to protect them. Robert says, Trina Robinson was a stowaway, and Holly says, he wouldn’t have been counting on her presence, but Anna says, it doesn’t explain Obrecht. Apparently, he was obsessed with her at some point, but since her return to Port Charles, his focus has been on other things. Holly says, so it’s unlikely she would count as a loved one. Why take her then? Robert says, maybe he wants something from her.

Chase hands Michael a bottle and says, Ned wanted him to have this. Michael says, they can’t toast without him, but Chase says, he’s helping Olivia in the kitchen, and said not to wait on him. Dante takes the bottle, and says, then let’s not. He opens it and pours three drinks. Chase says he wishes Michael all the happiness in the world, and Dante says, to Michael and Willow. They clink glasses.

Carly says, Willow is so beautiful, and Josslyn says, the perfect bride. Willow says she barely recognizes herself, and thanks them. Brook says, they’re glad they could help, and Maxie says, every wedding has to have at least one crisis. Willow’s just happened. They made it through. Smooth sailing from here on out. Willow says, maybe not. Did anyone tell Maxie about the changes to the guest list? Maxie asks, how come the wedding planner’s always the last to know? and Willow says, Tracy is here, and Drew will no longer be at the ceremony. Josslyn asks Carly why Drew isn’t coming, and Carly says, he’s tracking down a lead on Victor. If he finds Victor, that means he can bring Liesl home. Maxie says, thank God. She’s been really worried; so have James and Georgie. She tells Willow that it’s going to be okay. Drew will find Liesl and bring her home safe. Willow says, and then she’ll be able to get her transplant, and Sasha says, best wedding gift ever. Josslyn quietly says to Carly, it’s not all good news, is it?

Nina says, it’s just a little gift for Willow, and Ava asks what it is. Nina shows her, and says, it’s a bracelet from Gellhorn. Ava says, it’s spectacular, and definitely boundary crossing. Willow made her boundaries very clear, did she not? Nina says she just wants Willow to know she’s thinking about her, and Ava says she knows it’s difficult for Nina. She’s sure Nina’s heart is in the right place, but she can’t just start showering Willow with gifts. It’s not going to work, and Willow may even think Nina is trying to bribe her way into her life. Nina says, it’s her daughter’s wedding day; she can’t just do nothing. Ava says, she can if she wants to have a relationship with Willow in the future, and Nina tells her, she says it like it’s certain they’ll have one; that Willow will have one. Ava says, Nina has to honor Willow’s wishes, no matter how painful it is. Sonny comes back with Avery, and Nina hands the box to Ava, who puts it in her bag. Ava asks if Avery showed her dad her flower girl walk, and Sonny says, she nailed it. Ava says, of course (🍷). They should get going; they don’t want to be late. Sonny asks if Nina will be okay, and Nina says, yeah. She’s glad he’s going to be there. Avery hugs Nina, and says she’ll save Nina some cake. Nina says, she’d better, and Ava tells Sonny that she’ll stick around and keep an eye on Nina. He and Avery leave, and Ava says, Nina did the right thing. Nina asks, then why does it feel so wrong?

Carly tells Josslyn, Drew is going to find Victor, and he’s going to bring Liesl, Spencer, and Trina home. The hell with Ace.She believes that. Josslyn says, it’s still a very dangerous situation, so Carly can tell her how she’s really feeling. Carly says she’s worried, really worried, but she has faith in Drew. If anyone can save Willow, it’s him. Maxie asks Willow, if Drew’s not going to be there, who’s walking her down the aisle? and Willow says, her soon to be mother-in-law. Carly says, it’s her privilege, and Sasha asks if Willow is nervous. She had butterflies when she married Brando and it was in a car repair shop, with only the owner and his wife in attendance. Willow says she has butterflies, but in the best way. Marrying Michael in front of all the people they love, it feels like everything in her life has been leading up to this moment. Sasha says, before they cry all their makeup off, let’s get Willow in her dress, but Carly says she and Josslyn are going to take it from here. Sasha says, they’ll leave them to it. Willow could get married in her robe. She’s the most beautiful bride. Brook says, it’s true, and Maxie tells Willow, don’t hesitate to call if there are any more changes to the guest list, or if she has a dress malfunction… Sasha grabs her, and steers her out the door, Maxie yelling that her phone will be on. Carly and Josslyn have their heads together, and Willow says, they’re up to something. Spill. Carly says, as much as Willow’s been looking forward to marrying Michael, they’ve been looking forward to welcoming her to the family. Josslyn goes to the door, and lets in Bobbie and Donna. Bobbie asks if Willow is ready to become one of them.

Holly says, they believe Liesl Obrecht is a captive? Maybe she’s a collaborator and went willingly with Victor. Anna says, she disappeared from the Nurses Ball right in the middle of a magic act with her grandson and his sister. She doesn’t think Obrecht did that on purpose. Holly says, when she last crossed paths with Obrecht, back in 2013, she was hardly a doting grandmother. Obrecht admitted to putting Robert in a coma, and knocked her out in order to escape. She and Victor are two of a kind. She can’t believe they’d ever trust her. Robert says he’s not going to nominate her for sainthood, but she’s a different person than she was ten years ago. Anna says, since Faison died. Right around the time that he did, Obrecht started to realize the tragic consequences of her obsession. She’s lost two children now, and her grandson and niece Nina are the only family she has… Wait. Isn’t she supposed to be donating bone marrow to Nina’s daughter? Anna doesn’t think she left this town willingly. Robert says, it’s not like Cassadine yanked her off the street. That stunt they pulled at the Nurses Ball took a lot of planning. Anna says, it sort of implies she’s pivotal for some reason, and given that she’s a brilliant researcher, Anna bets Victor wants her for her skills in the lab, not her sparkling conversation. Holly says, so if Victor needs something only Obrecht can give, maybe that means what he has isn’t a bomb, and Anna says, a far more sinister weapon.

Victor says, in this cannister is the pathogen he and Mikkos developed, and Spencer says, forgive him if he doesn’t applaud. Victor says, there’s still one step they have to take before they can begin, and that’s where his dear Liesl comes in. He takes it she’s read all the material provided by his scientists on this, and she says, the notes were thorough, and made for interesting reading. He says, good. Then she’ll know all about the pathogen. She knows it’s modes of transmission, as well as the antidote. And since this pathogen has been untouched for decades, he needs her to check that it’s still viable and be effective. Then he’ll need her to do the same with the antidote. She’ll find a microscope and slides here. So shall they begin their work? He starts to open the cannister, and she stops him, saying, you fool, what are you doing? The pathogen is airborne. If he opens that, they’ll most certainly die. He asks if she thinks he’s that stupid, to handle a pathogen that’s potentially active, and she asks if he’s sure. He says, of course (🍷) he’s sure. He and Mikkos developed this pathogen so it can only be active in UV light. That’s why it’s down here in this bunker, away from sunlight. She says she can’t study this pathogen in these conditions. She needs a controlled environment and protective clothing. He says he’ll pretend not to be insulted by her lack of faith. Now get on and do as he says. She has to prove this pathogen can be effective, as well as the antidote. Once she’s done that, he’ll release it into the atmosphere, and humanity can finally pay for the damage it’s done to our planet.

Willow says, they’ve always made her feel like a part of their family. She’s so grateful. Bobbie says, now that she’s finally marrying Michael, they wanted to officially mark the occasion. She tells Donna to give Willow the present, and Donna hands Willow a box. Bobbie says, first, something old. Willow opens it, and a gorgeous bracelet is inside. Bobbie says, her brother Luke gave this to her. They were walking one day, and it was in the window of a jewelry store. She admired it, and next thing she knew, Luke bought it for her. He said he was flush, and would rather spend the money on his baby sister than blow it on a card game. So it’s not just from her; it’s from Willow’s great uncle-in-law. He would have liked Willow a lot. Luke admired people who were true to themselves, and he admired people who had lots of courage. She puts the bracelet on Willow, and says, and Willow has an abundance of both. Willow thanks her, and says, this means so much to her. Bobbie says, and Willow means so much to all of them. Carly says, something borrowed, and takes something out of her bag. She says, her mother gave it to her, and one day Josslyn’s going to wear it when she gets married. She puts a silver barrette in Willows hair, and Josslyn says, and something blue. She gives Willow a box containing earrings that are blue gemstones, and Willow thanks her. Carly asks how she’s feeling, and Willow says, like a Spencer.

Nina asks Ava if she should return the equally gorgeous bracelet, or should she keep it in the hope that Willow will some day accept it from her? Ava says, she doesn’t have to decide tonight. Hold on to it for a couple of days and see how she feels. In the meantime, she could use a cup of tea, or maybe something stronger. Can she get Nina something? Nina says, Ava doesn’t have to babysit her, and Ava asks if that’s what they call two friends sitting around talking these days. Nina says, Sonny was worried about her too. He offered to whisk her away to some tropical island. Ava says, she turned him down? but Nina says she’s fine. Ava says she saw the look on Nina’s face when she said goodbye to him. She’s going to stay and they’ll talk, for as long as Nina needs. Nina says, Ava has a lot going on. She heard about Trina. Ava must be going out of her mind. Ava says she is, but there’s really not much she can do. The PCPD is searching for her, and Trina’s smart, and capable. She can take care of herself, which Ava was reminded of last night when she was speaking with Trina’s mother while Nina was at Windymere. Nina said, Carly told her, and Ava says she takes it the two of them didn’t have a very productive conversation. Nina says, nothing will ever be productive as long as that woman’s around, and Ava says, well, get used to it, because Carly ain’t going anywhere.

Josslyn says, wait, something new, but Carly says she thinks Amelia filled the bill months ago. Willow thanks them all for being so kind, and Josslyn says, they know it’s her day, but it’s kind of theirs too. Bobbie says, weddings aren’t just about romantic love; they’re about new families being created too. Carly says, and Willow is their new family in every way that matters. She makes Michael and Wiley so happy. She feels like Willow’s been a part of them forever; she fits in effortlessly. Donna says, Willow’s her sister like Josslyn and Avery, and Willow says she is. And she’s so lucky to have Donna for a sister. Josslyn tells Willow not to cry, but Willow says, they’re tears of joy. She’s always dreamed of a family like this; people who look out for each other, no matter what. Who protect each other, and love each other fiercely and unconditionally, and now that dream has come true… now she’s found them to hold on to. Carly says, they’re holding on to her too. They’re not letting her go. Carly hugs her.

Chase takes the glasses to the kitchen so Olivia won’t have a meltdown over used glasses in the living room. When he leaves, Dante says he has something for Michael, and hands him a box. He says, someone very important to them couldn’t be here today. They’re going to honor his spirit; their grandfather Mike. It’s a pair of cufflinks, and Michael thanks him. Dante says, since he wasn’t able to be there for Mike’s last days, their dad gave him those, and said, Mike was always with them. He figured Michael could use a bit of their grandfather’s love on his wedding day. Michael says, it’s generous of Dante, and Dante says he wants them back. Michael says, we’ll see about that, and Dante says, seriously, he’s proud of Michael. Not just for marrying Willow, but he knows what it took to invite their dad today. Michael says, don’t give him too much credit; Willow wanted to invite him. Dante says, however it happened, it’s progress. This thing between the two of them is ruining them. The only way it’s going to end is if they’re willing to bend a little bit. Is he wrong about the thaw? Sonny walks in.

Anna says, Victor doesn’t have a conventional weapon; it’s a biological agent. Robert says, and he needs Obrecht’s expertise to activate it, and Anna says, right. Holly says, Victor is certainly capable of biological warfare, and Anna says, that explains Liesl being there, and his comments about those close to him being safe. Robert says, the code inside the Ice Princess necklace either leads to a safe haven for Victor and his friends – the ones he wants to stash – or the biological agent itself. Anna says, Laura and everyone don’t know what they’re walking into. They’ve got to warn them.

Obrecht looks at the pathogen under a microscope, and Victor says, well? Wow. I’d hate to work for this taskmaster, but I might have actually had worse bosses. She says she’s sorry; the pathogen has degraded. It’s no longer effective. He says, that is disappointing, but perhaps he shouldn’t take her word for it. Perhaps he should send her up to the surface and release the pathogen. If it is indeed harmless, it shouldn’t be a problem for her. He tells a guard to take Obrecht outside, and she says, bastard. He says, so she’s revising her scientific evaluation, and she says, the pathogen’s intact. He says, wonderful news, but she says, not quite. The pathogen appears viable under the microscope, but she must test it and the antidote on a human subject to be certain it has the effect he wants. He says, that shouldn’t be a problem. They have plenty of human subjects. Trina says, subjects are supposed to give their informed consent, and she definitely doesn’t give hers, and Spencer says, or his, but Victor says, they don’t require consent in this case. Spencer says, Victor doesn’t want their deaths on his hands, and Victor says he’s sure Dr. Obrecht will do her best to be sure that doesn’t happen. Trina says, the pathogen kills, and Victor says, that’s right. He and Mikkos developed the pathogen to be lethal to the vast majority of human beings. There is a small percentage that will have natural immunity, and they’ve developed an antidote for the Cassadines and their descendants. Trina asks how he can do this. How can he sentence millions of people to death? Is he really that greedy? Victor says, no. This isn’t about money. He wouldn’t make the same mistake his brother did. He’s doing this for the greater good. Spencer says, by committing mass homicide, and tells Obrecht, she’s Britt’s mother. He knows she has a conscience. Don’t do this.

Bobbie asks how Carly is feeling, and Carly says she’s all over the place. She has so much emotion and love for Michael and Willow, and just prays they get the future they deserve. Bobbie says, Drew is making sure they will, and Carly says she knows. She just wants Drew and all of Victor’s hostages to come home safe. Bobbie asks how she feels about Sonny attending the wedding, and Carly says she knows Willow wanted him to come, so Michael agreed to make the sacrifice. It’s difficult for Michael to be around his father. Bobbie says, what about Carly? and Carly says she’ll be fine. This is about Michael and Willow, and their love. She knows Sonny’s capable of rising to the occasion, and she intends to. Michael’s their son, and they can be happy for him. Bobbie says, Carly is a good mother, and Carly asks where Bobbie thinks she learned it from, and they hug.

Ava tells Nina, things are bad now, but they won’t always be. Hang on to the bracelet. Give it to Willow when she’s ready. Nina wonders if that day will ever really come, and Ava says she knows it hurts being excluded from such an important day in her daughter’s life, and Nina says, it really does, but it’s just the latest manifestation of the giant chasm between her and her daughter, and she’s running out of time to traverse. Her daughter has Stage IV leukemia, and it kills Nina that she can’t be by Willow’s side and support her; she can’t console her. She can’t do anything, and it didn’t have to be that way. Willow could have gotten that bone marrow transplant months ago if Carly had told the truth. So this is on Carly, and Nina made sure she knew that last night. Ava says she’s sure that went well, and Nina says, Carly insists that Willow hates her and she only has herself to blame. Carly thinks she has the audacity to lecture her about consequences when she’s never faced any. Nina knows she’s made mistakes with Willow – she never said she didn’t – and she’ll face any and all challenges to try and have a relationship with her. But Carly gets to have this close relationship with Willow and gets to be at her wedding regardless of all the things she’s done? Ava says, life is just not fair sometimes, and Nina says she intends to balance those scales.

Avery sees Michael and tells him, look at her dress and basket with flower petals, and he says, best flower girl ever. She and Donna are going to be great. Dante says he agrees 100%, and says it’s good to see Sonny. Sonny thanks Michael for inviting him, and Michael thanks him for coming; it’s important to Willow. Sasha, Maxie, and Brook come in, and Sasha hugs Michael, saying, he’s handsome as ever. Brook says, Sonny looks good too; nice suit. As he turns around, Dante says, and? and Brook says, hi, Dante. Avery asks if she can see Donna, and Sasha says, they saw her heading to the gatehouse. She can take Donna. They leave, and Maxie says, the florists have the bouquets in a separate van. Apparently, now there’s a shortage of peonies. She’ll need Brook’s help if she has a meltdown. She leaves, and Brook asks if everything is cool in here. Michael says, they’re fine, and she follows Maxie. Dante asks if everything is okay here, and Sonny says he’s here to support Willow and Michael… if they’ll let him.

Brook nearly collides with Chase while looking at a list. He says, DEF CON 1? and she says, worse; DEF CON 5. A centerpiece is missing. He says, It’s the opposite, the lower the number the higher the emergency, and she says, whatever. Thankfully, Maxie ordered an extra one. It’s waiting in the refrigerator. She starts to run off, but he stops her, and says, she didn’t say goodbye after the CCRB meeting. She says she had to pick up Leo, and he was talking to Dante, and he thanks her for showing up. It meant a lot. She says, don’t mention it, and continues on to the kitchen.

Sonny asks how Willow is doing, and Michael says, she’s in good spirits. She rested most of the morning, so he hopes the day’s not too much for her. Dante says, there’s a lot of people here to make sure Willow is okay, and the excitement over marrying Michael will get her through the day just fine. Michael doesn’t think so? Michael says he’s over the moon about marrying Willow, and he knows she feels the same way. He just wishes that… Sonny says, he just wishes that Liesl Obrecht was found in time to give Willow a bone marrow transplant. Chase says, if anyone deserves to have fate on their side, it’s Willow.

Victor says, let him sweeten the deal. Once Obrecht has determined the antidote is effective, he’ll send her back to Port Charles with enough doses for her and her family. That way, she can save her great niece’s life… in more ways than one. She says she’ll do as he asks, and Spencer says, no! launching himself at her, but the guards hold him back. Victor says, she has all she needs, and he’s sure it’s within her capabilities. He walks to the door, and turns back. He says, and do remember, her great niece is running out of time, so it’s in her interest to work as fast as she can. He leaves, and Obrecht is alone with Spencer and Trina.

Anna asks if Robert reached them. Did he reach Laura? He says, no. Just a message stating their phones are out of the area. She says, he has to keep trying, because if they’re correct and Victor has a biological agent, then Laura and Valentin are going to need help. And she thinks he needs to calls the WSB. He asks if she thinks this changes their calculus at all, and Holly says, it must. Anna says, please call them. Their people are going to need back-up before it’s too late.

Ava says she’s hoping Nina and Carly can reach a détente, and Nina says she tried, but Carly is never going to forgive and forget her keeping Sonny a secret in Nixon Falls. Ava says, like or not, Michael and Willow listen to her, and Nina says she’s not the only one who needs to face the consequences of her actions. Ava asks what that means, and Nina says, she may not be able to do anything for Willow, but she can make damn sure Carly gets what she deserves. Ava asks Nina, what did you do?

Willow brings Amelia downstairs, and Bobbie says, this calls for a picture. They get on the sofa – Josslyn, Willow holding Amelia, and Carly holding Donna on her lap – and Bobbie takes a photo. Josslyn tells Bobbie to sit, and Bobbie sits next to Carly. Josslyn sets the camera timer, and sits next to Willow, and another photo is taken.

Tomorrow, Tracy says, Chase is the young man Brook’s been hiding from; Michael says, this is the happiest day of his life; Willow goes missing; and Ava tells Nina, if this comes out, it will be the end of her and Sonny.

Vanderpump Rules

Ugh. VanderUgh.

Katie has a drink before lunch and feels like a degenerate. She tells pup Butter not to look at her. Lala comes over, and says she’s never seen Katie do this. Katie says she ordered Chick-fil-A for lunch, and Lala says she had  the best time at her birthday. She’d never seen Katie like that. When she was making out with Satchel, all they saw were two mops. She asks how Katie felt with him around her friends, and Katie says she was even more nervous. She’s not divorced yet, and debuting a new relationship. Lala tells her, it’s okay to start dating, and Katie says she only asked Schwartz to date outside the group. Lala asks if Katie thinks there’s any coming back with her and Raquel, and in Katie’s interview, she says, if she thought she saw something worth having a friendship again, she’d still sleep with one eye open. She tells Lala that she could forgive, but wants to keep her distance from Raquel right now. Lala says, it was the best birthday gift ever. After Raquel called her a mistress, every day there’s been an article on the internet calling Raquel a mistress. Katie says, Raquel’s been getting it online, and Lala says, Katie’s enjoying it. Katie says she is. Raquel was making out with her not ex-husband. We flash back to that, and Katie tells Lala that Ally was saying she saw Sandoval and Raquel dancing at The Abbey at 1 am. (🚩) In her interview, Katie says she doesn’t want to start a rumor about Sandoval cheating, but it grabbed her attention that Ally said they were alone. She and Sandoval have been friends for years, and they never went dancing alone at 1 am. (🚩) She tells Lala that Raquel said herself if she has one too many, she can’t control what she does.

The Toms have lunch from a food truck, and Schwartz says he appreciates Raquel, but doesn’t know why he’s not more attracted to her. Sandoval says, he doesn’t have to be, and Schwartz says, there’s no sexual chemistry. He has the gut feeling she has a crush on someone else. (🚩) He asks how Sandoval is doing, and Sandoval says he has to go on a cleanse. He’s going to fertilize Ariana’s eggs, and it helps the eggs live longer. Schwartz asks if Sandoval wants to, and Sandoval says he does. Schwartz asks why he’s not getting that vibe, and Sandoval wonders if this means they’ll have kids when they’re 50. It’s frustrating. Ariana came at him when he wanted to talk to Lala about the girls trip. She said he yelled at women. Schwartz says he sees where Sandoval is coming from; she can be dismissive. In Sandoval’s interview, he says, when Ariana treats him like he’s dumb, it’s annoying. It makes him question whether they’re right for each other. (🚩) He tells Schwartz that he works on their love. He wakes her with a double latte every morning. Schwartz asks if she reciprocates, and Sandoval says, no.

Ally works on her astrology study, and James asks if Pluto is going into Uranus. <sigh> She says, that’s not how it works. He’s fiery, passionate, and loves PDA. Their cat’s name is Mr. Banks, which I love. He says, last night was fun, and Ally tells him about seeing Raquel and Sandoval alone at The Abbey. (🚩) She told Katie, who didn’t think it was weird they were at The Abbey, but she obviously doesn’t trust Raquel. (🚩) She said Sandoval and Ariana didn’t have a lot of rules, but she doesn’t know what that meas. James thinks it implies they’re in an open relationship. Like when Ariana was in the backseat with Lala. Ally says she doesn’t want to be involved, but she wants to talk to Ariana. James says, she doesn’t want to do that because it will turn things into a muddy puddle. Talk to Scheana. She’s the closest to Raquel, and loves to gossip.

Katie and Ariana visit the future home of Something About Her, and Katie says, it looks amazing. Ariana says, it has so many possibilities, and in her interview, she says, they’re now lease holders. It’s happening. Katie says, it’s so exciting to see how much potential it has. They talk design, and in Katie’s interview, she says, they’ve done a little work on the space, and in Ariana’s interview, she says, they know how the AC and power work. Katie says, they have a sandwich empire starting now, and Lisa arrives. She asks them to tell her their vision, and Ariana says, they want to put flowers outside to grab people. Lisa suggests fake flowers, and Katie says she envisions a nook moment by the window; something cozy, where people can hang out. Lisa tells them, every day costs them money; look at the Toms. Ariana says, they have investor meetings scheduled, and in her interview, she says, she and Katie put some of their own money in to show they’re serious. But they don’t want to watch their accounts dwindle to nothing trying to open. Lisa asks if Lala’s birthday was a good time, and Ariana says, Raquel showed up after telling off Oliver, since apparently, he’s still married. Lisa says she knows for a fact he’s separated and wanted to file for divorce. They’re not together. Katie says, his wife is saying something different, and Lisa says she doesn’t like to judge. No one in the group has exemplary behavior. In Lisa’s interview, she says, Oliver is getting a divorce, and if she were separated from Ken, she’d be snogging too. Lisa doesn’t think it’s a big deal that Raquel made out with some guy, but says, they’re looking unconvinced. Katie says, she sucks; she’s a ho. Lisa says, it was just a little kiss and make out, and Katie says she’s a ho too.  

Lala meets James for coffee or juice or whatever, and he says he’s preparing for the Imagine festival in Atlanta. In his interview, he says, it’s surreal. He’s done nightclubs, but this is his first festival. There are going to  be 30 to 50,000 people. He’s opening for producer and DJ Kaskade, and to open for someone on his level is massive. Lala says she likes Ally. Something is happening up here – she points to her head – whereas his ex was robotic. James says, it looks like he was wrong, and she doesn’t need to do or say anything else. Now that the heatwave is dying down, he wants to invite everyone to the beach, and Lala asks if she can invite The Don. James says he’s not excluding anyone. He’s been on the receiving end of not being invited or being disinvited, and doesn’t want to be that guy. In James’s interview, he says he’s including everyone so there’s no animosity. Having Raquel at the beach is better than not having her, and everyone asking why he didn’t invite her. He sends a group text.

Schwartz accompanies Sandoval to the clinic, where Sandoval says he’s here to get his jizz results, and Schwartz tells him, that’s not cool [to say]. Sandoval says, Ariana would be here, but her grandmother passed away, and in his interview, he says, Ariana’s grandmother had a blood clot, and she took a nap without knowing, so… It’s been a hell of a year. Oh, and wasn’t he the cherry on it. Dr. Ghadir tells Sandoval that overall it looks good. His volume is more than double the normal level, and they’re swimming well. His morphology (the formation of the sperm) is a bit off; they look for 14%, but his is 6%. The doctor says, drinking a lot, tight clothing, and drugs can affect it, but he thinks Sandoval is doing okay. He tells Sandoval to take three months to do what he can to improve it, and with time, it will get better. Sandoval calls Ariana, who says she’s emotionally exhausted. In Ariana’s interview, she says, Grandma Bonnie was her best friend. Every time she saw Bonnie, she would hold her super tight like it was the last time. Her grandmother was a big part of life, and been there through her dad’s passing and Charlotte’s. She wishes it would stop happening. She wants a break. Sandoval tells her that everything is good except his morphology. But they still have 186 million to choose from, and they handpick them. Schwartz says, it’s like an America’s Got Talent vibe. Sandoval and Ariana both say, I love you, and I feel sick.

Ally meets Scheana at a skeeball arcade (I had a great aunt who was a skeeball champ), and Scheana mentions the beach day is tomorrow. She’d been concerned that Raquel wasn’t included, but Ally says, James added her later, apologizing. I don’t know if that would be considered a Freudian slip, but it was some kind of subconscious slip. Scheana says, Ariana is in Florida because her grandmother passed away, and Ally can’t believe it happened right after Charlotte. Elsewhere, Schwartz says he’s happy that Raquel feels okay with the group, and Raquel says, James told her that she was Ally’s favorite. In Ally’s interview, she says, this friend group is not normal. She’d never want to see her ex in her friend group, but in this friend group, there’s nothing but exes. It’s really weird. Ally tells Scheana about seeing Tom and Raquel at The Abbey after See You Next Tuesday. She thought it was weird that they were out alone at 2 am (the time changes throughout the show). (🚩) She mentioned it at Lala’s birthday, and Katie said they had a weird no rules thing. Scheana asks what she meant, but Ally says she doesn’t know. James said it meant an open relationship. Scheana says, they’re two of her best friends, and it’s the first ‘s hearing about it, and she doesn’t believe it. The fact Katie put it out there is disgusting. Ally asks if Scheana would feel comfortable if Brock went out with Raquel at 2 am, and Scheana says, Brock is like a big brother to her. She’d trust them in the same bed. For them to say they don’t trust Raquel around their men is not okay. In Scheana’s interview, she says, everyone wants to find something wrong with Raquel. They want to think she’s the girl who’s after everyone else’s man. (🚩) She sees nothing weird, but because it’s Raquel, it must be something else. She tells Ally that she’d call Ariana if she weren’t dealing with her grandmother’s death, but she’ beelining for Sandoval, and telling him immediately.

James, Ally, Scheana, and Brock set up on the beach, and the others slowly arrive. The guys throw a football around, but they all stink. Charli is introduced to Ally, and Raquel asks Ally how things are going. Ally says she and James are good, and Raquel says, she’ll learn the lessons she needs to in her own time. Katie brings Satchel, and in Schwartz’s interview, he says he ran through the list of hypothetical men he thought Katie would date, and Satchel wasn’t one of them. He had a moment when he could see Satchel waking up with Katie, Gordo and Butter snuggling with them, and it breaks his heart. Have all the sex you want, but don’t bring the dogs in the bed. Raquel tells Sandoval about Ally telling Katie (ha-ha-ha! this is nuts!) about seeing them at The Abbey. They said now Raquel is going after Sandoval. Sandoval says, he knows everybody there. It’s not the place he’d pick for a secret rendezvous. (🚩) In Sandoval’s interview, he says, what Katie is saying is annoying, and insulting to both him and Raquel. He and Raquel weren’t dancing close in a dark speakeasy. A bunch of them went there, and two of those people were him and Raquel. Playing telephone, Scheana tells Sandoval that Katie said he and Ariana had an open relationship, and he says, that’s the most ridiculous f***ing  thing ever. But if it was true, they’d want her and Brock to hang out. I think he’sd joking, but who knows? A bunch of the group sit under the canopy drinking, and James says, next week, he’s DJ’ing at Imagine. Schwartz asks if it’s bigger than Rachella, and in James’s interview, he says, let’s remind him of the darkest time he went through last year. We flash back to him proposing to Raquel, and he says, then put that in the same sentence as the happiest thing. He worked to get through it, and what does that demented POS say? He tells Schwartz, STFU, and tells him to take a look at his own life. He worked hard, and Schwartz is making the festival into a joke about an old proposal; a bad joke. He throws his beer on Schwartz, and says, f*** you. Make another f***ing joke.  

James says, Schwartz hurts his feelings every time he sees him. Schwartz proposed to Katie in a barroom. We flash back to that, and Lala says, this is so fun. Ally suggests they go see the water, and Schwartz tells James, do it again, and it won’t be good. He’ll put James in a headlock. James says, he’ll get out in two seconds, calling Schwartz fat boy. What the hell with this guy and body shaming? And even though I think Schwartz is a jerk, and he’s not exactly in tiptop shape, he’s not fat. In Ally’s interview, she says she’s so trusting. James said he’d moved on and he loves her, but it’s hard to believe when she sees actions like this. Get over it or don’t, but then don’t have a girlfriend. Sandoval asks why James is being insecure, and James says he wishes he could take it all back. Schwartz stupidly says he stands by his joke, and Lala says he acted the fool at Scheana’s wedding. She tells Sandoval that it would be like Ariana making out with Kristen if they broke up. Tom says, he’d be fine with it, and Lala says, he was bumping peepees with Ariana when he was with Kristen. We flash back to a million years ago, and Sandoval says, when they broke up, Kristen had been f***ing James in their apartment. We flash back to a Reunion where Sandoval confronted Kristen, and James says, that was ten years ago. He invited everyone for a nice beach day, not to make jokes. Schwartz says he didn’t mean anything by it; he wasn’t making a dig. James says, he crossed the line, and in Schwartz’s interview, he says, it was too soon. He was escaping his own awkwardness, since the breakup is still fresh. Lala says, it can still be a fun day. She’s going to get a drink at the bar. She gets a text from The Don, telling her to come to the white building.

The entire group ends up in the bar, and in Katie’s interview, she said she texted Kristina to meet in the bar, she didn’t expect everyone to follow. Raquel sits next to Sandoval (🚩), and Katie tells Satchel that she’s just living her life the way she wants to. Schwartz apologizes to James, and James says, he wishes the group could be genuinely happy for him instead of giving him digs and low blows. In his interview, he gets all teary, and says, he finally has something good coming up, and they throw it in his face. Schwartz says he’s a nice guy, but admits he can be callous. James says, it was a cheap joke, and tells Lala to back him up. Lala says she agrees, and in Lala’s interview, she says, she has a lot of resentment toward Schwartz for hanging out with Randall after they split, and now kissing Raquel when it clearly affected Katie. She can see through his basset hound act. Schwartz says, Lala is the corniest person, and I get confused as to which one of us doesn’t know the definition of corny. I don’t think that’s a word I’d use to describe Lala. He says, give them Lala; who the f*** is Lala? She doesn’t know who she is. She says she’ll break something down quick for him. Call when he has a business; he’s broke, 40, angry and bitter. He says, she’s a bootleg Housewife, and she says, the sh*t she’s been through in one year would put him in his grave. Her business pays for her daughter. He says she’s a great mom, and she calls him a POS, and leaves. He whines for her to come back.

Schwartz tells Sandoval that Lala has a chip on her shoulder, and Sandoval says, that’s not even her real name. Somehow, James splashes his drink in his eye, and runs to the bathroom to wash it out. In his interview, he says, it’s painful, but he guesses he set himself up for that on. Karma’s a bitch. Scheana says, Lala thought Oliver was cute in Vegas. If he’d said he was separated, would she have given the green light, or asked more questions. Lala says, Raquel wasn’t in the wrong. She believes what people say, but she’s not homewrecker. Raquel tells Katie that she doesn’t think making out makes her a whore, and Katie says she gave Raquel the opportunity to prove she’s not that person. Tom asks why she has to prove things. Ariana won’t be happy to know what Katie said about him and Raquel at The Abbey. Apparently they had a rendezvous. Katie tells him that Ally said it was weird, and in Sandoval’s interview, a producer asks if anything physical ever happened between him and Raquel. While looking around, blinking, and twitching (🚩), and says, nothing happened between him and Raquel. Nothing that wouldn’t happen between… him and Katie. Ally says, she told Katie that she saw them, alone and dancing, and in Katie’s interview, she said she never told Ally that Ariana and Sandoval had an open relationship. She was trying to explain they weren’t on leashes, and had no rules for each other. Her opinion of Raquel is even lower now. If they do have an open relationship, Ariana knows nothing about it. Sandoval says that Katie doesn’t take any accountability. Schwartz talks about their break-up as sad, and she says, he left her no choice. It’s heartbreaking. In her interview, Katie says, when the heat and pressure are applied, Sandoval’s go-to is to deflect; what about you? Sandoval screeches that Katie never admits she f***ed up. She shouldn’t be with someone because of who she wants them to be, but because of who they are. Katie says, he’s so profound. He should be a philosopher. Bitch, get a life.

Surprisingly, Satchel didn’t run for the hills… yet.

Next time, a glamping trip; Schwartz says, Raquel has a type – men that are taken (he’s joking, but how prophetic); Ken tells Lisa that he can’t believe Sandoval had Raquel over when Ariana was away; Lala tells James that she thinks Sandoval has a thing for Raquel. The last time Sandoval was talking about a woman that way, he was talking about Ariana when she was with Kristen.

🏄‍♀️ Beach, Please…

Return right here tomorrow for soap and a variety of tea. Until then, stay safe, stay knowing when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em, and stay not trying to balance your own scales. It rarely turns out well.