What I Watched Today

(rambling, random thoughts & annoyingly detailed recaps from real time TV watching)

General Hospital

Spencer talks to Ace, after picking him up early from daycare, when Laura walks in. He tells Ace that the most important thing to remember is, this is his home. And if Spencer has anything to say about it, it always will be. Laura laughs, saying, they’re cute together. She wants to remind Spencer that they’re guests are arriving soon. Spencer says, for Uncle Victor’s will reading. Ace doesn’t need to hear anything about Uncle Victor. Being abducted and taken on the Haunted Star is enough to last him a lifetime. Fortunately, he’s not going to remember any of that. Spencer’s phone rings, and he sees it’s Trina. Laura takes Ace, telling Spencer that she’ll put him down so he can take his phone call, and leaves. He tells Trina that he was just about to call her, and she says she beat him to it because she misses him. He says he misses her more, and she says she hasn’t interrupted the reading of his Great Uncle’s will, has she? and he says, if only. Any news about her DNA test results? She says, not yet, and he says, it’s funny how your life can change in an instant. She says, doesn’t she know it. She’ll talk to him soon. She looks at the photo of her and Portia from the wedding.

Looking at the same photo, Portia says, if only they were still this happy, when Marshall comes in. He says he needs a consultation, and holds out a spoon for her to taste something. He asks what she thinks, and she says, it’s perfect. Don’t touch it. Where did he learn to make gumbo that good? He says, that’s one of the benefits of being a musician in New Orleans. When you give them the blues, they’re going to give you cooking lessons. He picks up her phone, and says, that was a happy day, wasn’t it? She says, it was until it wasn’t. She’s still waiting for her happy ending. Curtis walks in.

Drew leaves a message for Carly, letting her know he was thinking about her. He wishes he could be with her right now, but he knows the best thing is for him to stick with their plan, and find some way to pressure Ned to get the government to drop the charges against them. He’s on it, and he’ll speak with her soon. Please let him know if there are any updates on Willow. Sam brings Scout in, and Drew picks her up. Sam says, once she told Scout there was a sleepover at daddy’s, there was no stopping her. Is he sure it’s a good night? Scout says, of course (🍷) it is. Right, dad? Drew says, every night with her is a good night, and he’ll never take one for granted.

Diane sees Robert at the MetroCourt, and he says he was just thinking about her. She flashes back to asking if Sonny thinks the Feds are trying to get to him through Carly, and Sonny asking her to find out why the Feds got involved. She says she’s exhausted her sources, but Sonny says, what about the DA? She tells Robert that she was just thinking about him as well.

Olivia tells Nina, it’s not fair. The Feds can’t use Carly against her own husband. Nina says, ex-husband, and Olivia says, that’s even worse; she’s not protected by spousal privilege. She’s sure the Feds think Carly has all kinds of incriminating information about Sonny, and they would be right. There’s got to be a way to keep Sonny from taking the fall. Nina looks over at Robert and Diane, and says she hopes Olivia’s right.

At the hospital, Sonny asks Michael how Willow is, and Michael says, she just started the procedure. Carly says, the bone marrow transplant’s going to work, and Willow is going to be with them a very long time. Josslyn says, they were outside her room a few minutes ago, and Willow’s being very brave, and Sonny says, Willow’s going to need a lot of support. He thinks they should put everything aside and stick together for Willow’s sake. Do they all agree on that? Michael says, they can. What matters right now is Willow. Speaking of which, he’s going to see how the procedure is progressing. He leaves, and Sonny wonders if they’ll get word on Willow soon, but Carly says, probably not. Josslyn’s phone dings, and she tells Carly that Trina just texted her. She’s downstairs. Carly tells her to go, and Josslyn leaves. Sonny says, they couldn’t get away from him soon enough.

Nina tells Olivia, if the rumors are true, and Sonny is who the government really wants, then Carly is just a means to an end. Olivia says she feels terrible for arguing with Carly about this. If they hadn’t, they could have put their heads together, and figured a way out of this whole insider trading mess. Nina says, it must be painful to hear that Olivia’s friend and ex-business partner thinks she’s fooling herself about her husband, and Olivia says, maybe she overshared a little bit about that. Carly understands her loyalty is to Ned, but she can’t figure it out. She’s convinced he’s the one who blew the whistle on her and Drew. Nina says, Carly is always convinced of Carly’s point of view, like there isn’t the possibility of another… She’s sorry. She knows Carly and Olivia are friends, and she respects that. And she agrees with Olivia. Despite their divorce – Olivia says, and despite the big rock on Nina’s finger – Carly cares for her kids and cares about Sonny. She’s never going to send him to prison. On the other hand, Nina does believe someone’s going to go down for this, and if it’s not Sonny… Olivia says, it won’t be Sonny, and Nina says, that means it’s either Carly or Drew, and Olivia is really good friends with both of them. Does she think there’s a chance one of them might turn on the other to save themselves?

Drew asks what Scout has, and she says, it’s her workbook from school. Sam thinks that’s her subtle way of saying she hopes daddy helps her with her homework, and Drew asks if Scout can believe there’s only a few more weeks until summer vacation. He heard the MetroCourt pool is opening soon, and they can start working on her swimming strokes. Sam says, she already swims like a seal. She thinks Scout gets it from Drew. Scout says she’s a mermaid, not a seal, and Sam says, sorry. Drew says, on that note, mermaids love music, right? He opens a box, revealing a harmonica, and says, this was her brother Oscar’s. Sam says, Oscar sure did love music, didn’t he? and Drew says he thinks Oscar would have loved for Scout to have it. Sam asks what Scout thinks about that, and Scout tells Drew that she loves him, and they hug.

Marshall says he’ll take Curtis’s bag upstairs, and Curtis asks him to put it in the guest room. Marshall says, to celebrate Curtis’s homecoming, he whipped up his famous Gumbo Ya-Ya, and Curtis says he loves it. When do we eat? Marshall says, not we, you. He’s just the cook. It’s a meal for two. He goes upstairs, and Portia says, welcome home.

Josslyn and Trina both say, any news? and Josslyn says, they just started the transplant. It’s a lot like a blood transfusion, so Willow is going to get Dr. Obrecht’s bone marrow, and that takes as long as it takes. They just have to wait and pray the new marrow starts producing healthy cells. Trina hugs Josslyn, and says, her little problem hardly seems to matter when Willow’s life being at stake, but Josslyn says, of course (🍷) it matters. Trina’s life could change with these DNA results. Trina says she’s not going to let it. Taggert is always going to be her dad, and Curtis is always going to be Curtis, a man she’s grown to love and respect. Josslyn asks, what about her mom? and Trina says, her mom is always going to be her mom, even if she never trusts her the same way again. Josslyn says she thought they patched things up, and Trina asks if Josslyn has ever tried to fix a flat tire with a patch. It’s not a permanent fix. Josslyn asks, when was the last time Trina changed a tire? and Trina admits she’s never had to change a tire, but she could if she had to. Josslyn says she’s sure Trina could. After everything she did in Greenland, she could do anything. Trina says, Josslyn could too, which is why they make the best roommates, and Josslyn says she knows, but they only have two more days in the dorm. Trina says, now she has to find a place to stay for the summer. Any suggestions? Josslyn says, she doesn’t want to move back home?

Laura asks, how’s Trina? and Spencer wonders if she was eavesdropping, but she says she didn’t have to. She could tell by the smile on his face. He says he smiles when other people call him too, but she says, not the same smile. There’s a knock at the door, and Laura opens it to Ava and Alexis, who says she’s been dreading this ordeal since she got the invitation. She hugs Spencer, and Ava says she wouldn’t miss it for the world. Spencer asks if she expects to inherit something, and Ava says she doesn’t care about any bequests, but after the hell that man put her through, she can’t hear often enough that Victor Cassadine is truly and most sincerely dead. Laura lets a man in, and tells him that she’s Laura Collins. Spencer says, Mayor Collins, and he is? He says, JB Brown, Esquire, from Brown, Brown, and Whitlock. He was Victor’s attorney and executor of his estate. They may have seen his letterhead on the invitation regarding this meeting.

Sonny tells Carly that she can go. He’ll stay until there’s word about Willow. He sits down, and she says she can stay, sitting next to him. He asks if she’s heard from the SEC, but she says, not so far. She hasn’t heard from the Justice Department either. He says he thinks she’s going to hear from them real soon.

Laura thanks JB for agreeing to do the reading at her apartment. It saved all of them a trip to his office. He says, happy to accommodate. Mr. Cassadine didn’t stipulate where he wanted his will read, only the parties he wanted in attendance. There’s a knock at the door, and Laura lets Martin in. He hugs her, and says he’s sorry he’s late. There was a minor crisis at the… He sees JB and says, well, look at this. He should have known JB would be here. They shake hands, and Laura says, they know each other? Martin says, this man’s a legend in his own time. He graduated Princeton, Oxford, and yale law school. Ava says, that’s Victor’s lawyer all right. Only the best for the absolute worst. Alexis asks what Martin is doing here, and Martin says, since his client Valentin Cassadine couldn’t make it, he asked Martin to stand proxy in his stead. Laura asks if he’s Anna’s proxy too, but Martin says, no. Anna’s on her way; she may be running late. JB says his schedule is running tight, and he doesn’t have time to wait for Miss Devane’s arrival. Laura says she can fill Anna in, and suggests they all make themselves comfortable so they can get started. They all sit down, and JB says, shall we begin? He opens the case he has with him.

Trina wonders why they can’t live in the dorms in the summer, and Josslyn asks if it would be so bad for Trina to move back home. Trina says she doesn’t know. Things are a little better with her mom, but she doesn’t know if she’s ready to be part of the family with the DNA results hanging over their heads. Josslyn says she has another option.

Curtis asks how Trina is, and Portia says, she’s good. The spring semester is ending soon, and so far she hasn’t made any plans to come home. He says, maybe when the DNA results come in, and she says she doesn’t know about that. Depending on the results, it may be harder for Trina to think of this as her home. He says he came home, didn’t he?

Robert guesses Diane heard the news, and Diane says, of course (🍷). He says he’s sorry she got it secondhand. He wanted to give it to her in person. She says she doesn’t understand. Why was it up to him to tell her? He says his complicated life just became a little less complicated, and she asks what he’s talking about. He says, Holly’s left town. What is she talking about?

Olivia tells Nina that she doesn’t believe Carly and Drew would ever turn on each other. Drew just risked everything to bring Nina’s Aunt Liesl back to save Willow’s life. The whole time he was gone, Carly couldn’t stand the suspense in not knowing if he was safe or not. Those two are completely in love. Nina says, but if the rumors are true… and Olivia says, maybe the rumors are just that – they’re rumors. Nina says, there’s only one way to find out, and looks over at Robert and Diane.

Carly tells Sonny, they can’t be sure the Feds are going to offer her a deal for evidence against him. Not that she would take it if they did. He says he told her before that he appreciates it, but he’s not going to let Donna grow up with a mother behind bars. Carly says she thinks they’re worrying about nothing. No one from the Justice Department has approached her. He says, yet. He had Diane work Robert Scorpio. He has contacts in DC, so if the Feds make an offer, he’s going to know about it. She says, that puts Diane in an awkward position, but he says, for what he pays her, Diane can be in an awkward position, especially when it comes to Carly. She’s way too important. Carly thanks him, and says she appreciates that. Nosy Michael comes back, and says, thank you for what?

Carly asks, how’s Willow? and Michael says, the transplant’s still in progress, but so far, so good. Again, what was she thanking Sonny for? Instead of telling him to mind his own damn business, Carly says, Michael has so much on his plate right now. He doesn’t need to worry about his parents. Michael says, so in other words, there is something to worry about? and Sonny says he wants to talk to Michael about something. He wants Michael to hear it in person and from him. He and Nina just got engaged to be married.

Nina says, Olivia and Robert are friends, right? and Olivia says, yeah, but she’d never… Nina says, impose on that friendship. She totally gets it, but Robert is the DA. If anyone knows what the US Attorney is doing, it’s Robert. Olivia asks why Robert would tell her, and Nina says, her husband’s reputation and her marriage are suffering because of these backdoor deals going around. No one knows what’s really true. She thinks Olivia would be doing everyone a service if she went over there, found out what’s going on, and cleared the air.

Diane tells Robert, never mind what she was talking about. Why would Holly leave town? He says, her son’s in trouble, so she’s gone to the rescue, and Diane says, good for her. She’s assuming when all that’s over, Holly will come back to Port Charles. He says he doesn’t think he’s a factor in that decision, and she says she’s sorry, but he says, don’t be. Olivia comes over to the table, and says, oh good; they’re talking shop. So Robert won’t mind telling her if it’s true. He says, if what’s true? and Diane says she’ll take a little powder room break, but Olivia says, it won’t be necessary. Diane is already involved in this. Diane says, involved in what? and Olivia says, the deal where Carly would give up Sonny.

Scout plays the harmonica, and Sam says, it’s such a nice day out. Why doesn’t she go out and play for the birds? Scout wonders if they’ll sing along with her, but Sam says she thinks there’s only one way to find out. Scout leaves, and Sam says she thinks Scout is probably going to sleep with the harmonica under her pillow. Drew says, it’s her harmonica now, so it’s up to her. It’s funny, isn’t it, how precious the little things can be. Sam says, he’s not going to lose her, but he says, if those insider trading charges stick… She asks if there’s any way to fix this, and he says, that depends on the whistleblower. Ned’s got the clout and contacts to make this whole thing go away. The less Sam knows the better. She asks if he’s kidding her. She can dig up leverage on Ned. It’s in her wheelhouse. All he has to do is ask.

Portia says, Curtis did come back home, and she’s beyond grateful. She hopes he’s here for good. Marshall comes out and says, the Ashford/Robinson party, right this way please. The doorbell rings, and Portia says, he doesn’t think that’s… Curtis says, maybe Trina thinks this is her home after all, but Marshall opens the door, and it’s Stella.

Josslyn says she doesn’t know why she didn’t think of it before; Trina can move in with her. There’s plenty of room. Trina asks if they shouldn’t ask her mom first, but Josslyn says, she’ll love the idea. Trina asks if she’s sure. What about Spencer? Josslyn says, what about him?

Alexis says she was thinking the worst was over, and she has nothing to worry about with this will reading. Then she remembered what a monster Victor was. Ava tells her, go ahead and worry. She’s going to enjoy this. JB says, it’s time to let his client speak for himself, and turns hits play on his laptop. Victor greets everyone, and welcomes them to the reading of his will. If they’re seeing this video, congratulations. They survived, and sadly, his attempt to make the world a better place has failed. Laura says, his warped view of the world, and Victor says, the shame is, they’re going to have to carry on for the rest of their lives in an overpopulated, under resourced planet. He pours himself a drink, and says, hopefully, his bequests will provide a little comfort to them as civilization continues to crumble around them. He raises his glass, takes a drink, and says, Ava, my dear. Until his nephew Nikolas returns, if ever, to rekindle their romance, he bequeaths to her a rendering of her first true love. JB pauses the video, and hands Ava a photo of a gargoyle statue. Ava says, maybe she can donate it and get a tax write-off, and JB starts the video again. Victor says, Alexis, my dear niece. He’ll never forget the kindness she extended to him, inviting him into her home for that Thanksgiving. This Matryoshka doll dates back to the Romanovs. JB hands her a Russian nesting doll, and Victor says, inside are smaller versions of itself, representing her daughters. Alexis says, this is actually nice, and Victor says, to one daughter in particular, Samantha, he bequeaths this deck of very rare tarot cards. JB hands Alexis the cards, and Victor says, who knows? Maybe one day she’ll use them to make herself lucky in love for once. Clearly, he doesn’t know how tarot cards work. Alexis says, and there it is; Victor, the monster. She tosses the deck on the table.

Trina says she knows Josslyn and Spencer aren’t as close as they used to be, but Josslyn says, he’s always welcome to come by and see Trina. He can even bring Ace, just as long as Esme’s not a part of the equation. Trina says, and what about Dex? and Josslyn says, what about him? Trina says, he and Spencer hate each other, and Josslyn knows it.

Marshall says, surprise, and Stella says she takes it TJ didn’t let anybody know she was back in town. Portia says, TJ does work extremely long hours at GH, and Stella says she knows TJ has a lot on his mind now. So she took it upon herself… She sees the bottle of wine in Marshall’s hand and says, is this a bad time? She’ll leave, and contact them later. Marshall says, she’s not going anywhere, is she, Curtis? Curtis says, Aunt Stella’s always welcome. Stella says, is she really? She wouldn’t blame either of them… Portia says, Curtis is right; she’s always welcome here. Marshall asks why they’re standing around like strangers then. He tells Stella that she looks great, and hugs her. Stella says she’s glad to see Portia and Curtis together, in spite of her.

Diane asks where Olivia heard there was a deal on the table involving Carly, and Olivia says she heard Carly can get out of the insider trading charges if she gives up Sonny. Diane asks Robert if there’s any truth to that, and he says, the two of them aren’t playing by the rules. Olivia says she cares because, A, Sonny is Dante’s father, and B, Carly’s her best friend, and C, her husband is the one suspected of blowing the whistle on Drew and Carly. And D, Diane, is Sonny’s attorney, so she assumes Diane is very interested in this too. So why doesn’t he stop stalling, and just answer the question? Diane says, let her make it easy for him. If he stays silent, that’s all the confirmation they need. He tells her, what he can say is… He gets up from the table and walks to the bar. Diane asks if Olivia’s got her answer, and Olivia walks off, passing Nina.

Michael says, their agreement still applies, and Sonny says, it’s always going to be Willow’s decision whether she wants Nina in her life and their children’s lives. His engagement doesn’t change that. Michael says he’s glad to hear it, and Sonny says he has to go make a call. He tells Michael to take care of his mother, and Michael says he always does. Sonny leaves, and Michael asks how Carly is doing. She says she happened to be at the MetroCourt last night when Nina couldn’t wait to announce they were toasting their engagement. Whoa. Wait. That’s not true. She didn’t announce anything; Trish asked her. And neither one of them knew Carly was even there. She says, and Sonny stopped by the house today so he could tell Donna, and Michael asks if that’s why she was thanking him; for being so upfront about it. Or is it something else?

Victor says, now, to other family members. To his darling granddaughter Charlotte, he bequeaths this necklace and pendant adorned with the Cassadine crest, in the hopes it will remind her of who she is, and who she will one day become. As for her father, the rotten apple of his eye Valentin Cassadine, to his son and all of those who have betrayed him, he makes this bequest. In this satchel, they’ll find a rare piece of antiquity. JB hands a velvet pouch to Martin, and Victor says, it was unearthed on Cassadine Island in Greece. It’s the last surviving piece of a once majestic statue of the sun god Apollo. Martin takes a stone middle finger out of the pouch, and I laugh my head off. That Victor; what a card. Victor says, whenever they look at it, he does hope they remember him. He raises his glass and drinks, and Laura laughs.

On the phone, Nina asks Sonny, how is she? and he says, the transplant’s still in progress. Everything seems to be going well. How is she holding up? She says she’s not going to lie and say she’s not worried. She’s just trying to stay positive and believe everything is going to get better.

Diane goes over to Robert at the bar, and says, hey sailor, buy a girl a drink? He says, the drinks are on her, and she says she deserves that. Just so he knows, she was only doing her job. He asks if Sonny is still paying her retainer, and she says, he is entitled to legal representation as well, or have they totally dropped the Sixth Amendment? He asks why she’s always got to be so right, and she says, because she is always right. Actually, she’s not; she takes that back. For instance, she thought he and Holly were meant for each other. He says, so did he.

Josslyn says, when Trina moves out of the dorms, move in with her; it’s just short term. Trina wonders if they ignore the fact their boyfriends can’t stand each other, and Josslyn asks why she’s so worried about them. Trina says, so Dex didn’t tell her? and Josslyn says, tell her what? Trina says, at the gym the other day, Spencer took a swing at Dex, and Josslyn says she saw Dex that day; he was fine. Trina saw him too. Trina says, Dex blocked the punch, and landed one of his own. Spencer’s lip is cut. Josslyn chuckles, and Trina says, she doesn’t seem overcome with concern. Josslyn says, to be fair, Spencer punched Dex first, remember? In Kelly’s, right before Christmas. And Dex didn’t even fight back. Spencer probably thought he wouldn’t, or couldn’t, but Dex knows how to defend himself, and it’s about time Spence realized that. Trina says she’d love to think Spencer learned his lesson, but most likely, he’ll keep on antagonizing Dex. He just can’t seem to help himself. Josslyn says, trust her. Dex has a lot more to worry about than getting along with Spencer. Trina asks what that means, and Josslyn says, he’s really busy, and working for Sonny isn’t exactly a low pressure job. She checks her phone, and says she has to get back to her family. She hugs Trina, saying, she loves her, and hopes she gets the test results back soon. Trina says she hopes Willow comes through with flying colors, and Josslyn thanks her, and says, her too. She leaves, and Trina’s phone dings. She looks at it, and looks worried.

Marshall says, it was a beautiful wedding, wasn’t it? and Portia says, it absolutely was. And Laura did a phenomenal job filling in for Stella. Stella says she’s sure Laura did. She only wishes… Portia says, she’s not the only one who wishes things had been done differently, and Marshall says, forget the table for two. He’s setting two more plates. There’s plenty of gumbo to go around. He goes to the kitchen, and Curtis tells Stella, might as well settle in. When he sets his mind, you’ve got two choices; give up or give in. Stella says she didn’t come all this way to give up, and neither should the two of them. Like she said to TJ, love is always worth fighting for.

Carly says she doesn’t want to add to Michael’s worries today of all days. Let’s just wait and make sure the bone marrow transplant works successfully… Michael says, just tell him why she’s grateful to Sonny, and she says, he came in on the tail end of that conversation. He says, fill him in on the rest, and she says, there’s a rumor that the Justice Department is going to offer her a deal. They’ll forget about the insider trading charges if she gives them evidence against his father.

Alexis says, darn. She has to go. Crisis. Too bad. Enjoy. Good luck, everyone. Martin says he thinks he’s done his part for his client, so he’ll be going. Unless of course (🍷) his sister needs him to stay. Laura says she’s just fine, and walks him out. Ava says, all that’s left is Spencer, and Laura sits back down. JB puts the video back on, and Victor says, as for Spencer, they’ve had many discussions about safeguarding his family. He may not be there in person to explain this to Spencer, but he trusts Spencer will know what to do with his bequest. Spencer looks at the small box in his hand, the one containing the silver dove he’d gotten for Trina.

Marshall says, dinner is ready, when Curtis’s phone rings. Curtis says, Trina, and she says she hopes she’s not interrupting, but he says, no; he’s at home with her mom. Is everything okay?… Okay. Bye. Portia asks, what is it? and Curtis says, it’s Trina. She’s at the hospital. Portia asks if she’s okay, but Curtis says, she’s fine. The DNA results are in.

Diane asks, what ultimately happened with Holly? and Robert says, life happened. What was it Diane said to her? She said, if we couldn’t make it work for all those years, why do we think we could make it work now? Diane says she’s sorry; she really is. Robert says, next time she wants to pump him for information, have her office call his office, and let’s put it on the books. He leaves.

Drew thanks Sam for offering to dig up dirt on Ned. It means a lot, but he really needs her to stay out of this one. Because if he goes to prison, Scout is going to need one of them to stick around. Olivia comes in with Scout, and says, look who she found giving a concert in the garden. Sam says she’s going to leave, and hugs Scout, saying, she’ll see Scout in the morning. She leaves, and Olivia tells Scout that she thinks there’s a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie in the kitchen with Scout’s name on it. Scout dashes off, and Drew says he thought Olivia had a meeting. Olivia says she did. Lucky for him, because that little girl is going to need her daddy. He says he and Sam were just talking about that, and she says, if he wants to stick around for Scout, she has some information he needs.

Nina asks if Sonny told Michael about their engagement, and he says, yeah. He wasn’t thrilled, but he wasn’t hostile, and now it looks like there’s a future for both of them. Maybe they can have hope that Willow will recover and find room in her heart for Nina.

Carly tells Michael, at this point, it’s only a rumor. Sonny has Diane looking into it to see if there’s any truth to it. He says, if there is, will she take it? but she says, he knows better. He says he’s watched her protect Sonny his whole life. Maybe she should think about protecting herself instead. Josslyn comes out of the elevator, and he says, if this government deal is legit, to give them Sonny and she goes free… Josslyn asks what she’s waiting for. Take the deal.

Tomorrow, Trina says, it’s now or never; Laura asks if Victor knows where her son is; and Nina says she’s going to do whatever it takes to be with the people she loves.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey – The Reunion – Part 1

Ugh. These people are like cartoons, and I try not to take this seriously, but it upsets me just knowing we breathe the same state air. Rachel needs to escape while there’s still time. And take Jen with her.

Just watching the preview makes my stomach turn.

The set is super cool. It’s an Irish castle theme, but the Victorian portraits on the walls are each of the women. I stan Teresa’s new haircut, and so does Andy. Those Summer House people need to take a page from the Jersey fashion book. Everyone looks stellar. Lots of sparkles and that sheer stuff that I love.

Juicy Joe calls and asks if Bill does bags under your eyes. His uncle is looking to get his eyes done. Teresa tells him that they’re taping the Reunion, and Andy takes the phone and chats with him. We find out he’s never watched the show.

Andy is also impressed by the outfits. Danielle says she was going for a not fresh out of the hamper look. Andy asks if Marge left her arsenal at home, and she says she did not. As none of us would. It’s a Reunion for Pete’s sake. Where better to bring your arsenal? Teresa insists Andy feel her heartbeat, which she says is real. She asks God to be with her; Namaste. Andy asks if Melissa or Teresa want to share their goal relating to each other. Teresa says she wishes Melissa well, peace, and wants to close the chapter. Melissa agrees with closing in peace, but thinks a lot of the truth needs to come out. Teresa says, the hardest thing was her family hurting them. Louie’s family was great, but hers hurt Louie. Melissa says she’s the one who was called a cheater, and Andy says they’re getting ahead before it’s time. He asks why Dina bowed out as a bridesmaid, and Teresa says, she didn’t want to be on camera. Andy says, she could have not signed a release, so Teresa flips to she didn’t want people to know she was there. She explained it to Teresa, and it was all good. Andy says, from their social media, it looks like Teresa and Louie hung out a lot with Dina and her man. Then it stopped. Teresa insists they’re okay, and Louie and Dave didn’t have business dealings. We flash back to Joe #2’s interview, where he said, it was Pizzagate part two. Melissa says, Joe was out of line for saying something on the show, and Andy tells them, a viewer has asked why Teresa didn’t invite Donna out of respect to her father. Wasn’t inviting in-laws the Italian thing to do? We flash back to Teresa saying, they have a history, and Teresa says she couldn’t invite Donna without inviting the rest of the family, and that was impossible. Melissa says, she and Joe were acceptable when Teresa needed to introduce Louie to the family. When she needs them, it’s all good between them. Teresa says, when she was alone, they never even asked her to go out to dinner, but Melissa says, they had dinner many times. She has pictures of Teresa and next door neighbor Shane, who Teresa thought was cute. Teresa is like, no way that ever happened, and we see the pictures. Teresa thinks she must have invited herself, since they never invited her anywhere. Seriously? Andy says he remembers when Teresa was dating Louie. The impression he got was that they were all hanging out, and they liked Louie. Teresa admits that her brother introduced her to Louie, and brought him on the show. She says, it’s all about the show and making money to Joe. Melissa says, Louie was the one who suggested Joe get him on the show. Just like he knew who Teresa was when they met. He’d wanted to go out with Alexia from Miami before he went out with her. Teresa says, these are lies, and it’s over between her and Melissa after tonight. She hints that if she’s not talking to Melissa, Melissa will be shown the door, and Melissa says she’s still got a couple of hours left. Teresa says, Melissa is out of her life after this night.

Everybody looks down, and Melissa says, says, it’s sad. Andy moves on to the hairstyle that broke the internet, and Teresa says, the higher the hair, the closer to God, like we haven’t heard that one already. Andy asks what Marge thought, and Marge says she cried. She thought Teresa was gorgeous, and when she walked out by herself, it was bittersweet. Then when Marge watched the finale, and knew what was going on behind her back… Teresa says she had nothing to do with it, and Marge says she was repulsed, disgusted, and shocked. She doesn’t care about Laura, but she does care about P.I.s. We already know Bo Dietl has distanced himself from this  whole thing, but we see flashbacks of Louie saying he has sh*t on everyone. Andy says this is too early to discuss too, and I wonder why he keeps leading them into topics he wants to discuss later. He says he’s switching gears, and going to Dolores. She turned into mush all thanks to her Irish love Paulie. He asks how Paulie changed Dolores, and Dolores says, her whole life she felt guarded, and he broke down walls she’d had up since she was young. All of the women say they noticed a difference, and a viewer has asked what Dolores loves so much about Paulie. Dolores says, that he’s willing to be such a part of her life, and we flash back to Paulie saying he’s got her. A viewer wonders if she misses Frank, and she says, the dynamics had to change. They’ll always be there for each other and be family, but Frank has had a life that was separate from hers. This part of her life doesn’t call for that kind of closeness. You can’t have two number ones. She tells Andy that David isn’t a part of their lives. She’s building a life together with Paulie, although Gabby and Frankie stay close to David, who still lives with Frank. Andy says, Dolores refused to move in with David without commitment, but moved in with Paulie without it. Dolores says, the intention with Paulie was different, and Andy asks how long Paulie’s been divorced. Dolores says, he’s not, but they’ve been separated for 14 years. Andy wonders why it never happened, and Dolores says she thinks there was never a call for it. Paulie hadn’t thought about getting married again, but he’s getting divorced now.

Before they reconvene, Andy says his son is wondering where his other daddy is. He needs to get another daddy. Teresa suggests her psychic, who’s only 100 bucks. Andy welcomes us back like we went somewhere, and asks Danielle about Valentina. Danielle says, Valentina has five boyfriends and is her now in a five year old’s body. Andy says, Danielle came onto the show a Staten Island bougie mama not afraid to speak her mind, but when it came to her brother, the others thought she wasn’t saying enough. We flash back to the brother stuff, and Andy passes tissues to Danielle. He asks how long since she and her brother have seen each other, and Danielle says, in August it will be 3 years, but she’ll be seeing him tomorrow at her grandmother’s wake. Everyone pretends to be sorry for her loss, and Andy asks if she’d tried reaching out to him. She says, they sent a gift for his new baby, but it was sent back. Ironically, RHONJ is his favorite show. Andy reads that a viewer thinks she’s obviously hiding something, and Danielle says, she’s been praying Marge has something in her arsenal about what she’s done wrong. Marge says she just wants them to be together, and Andy says, some of Marge’s comments in Ireland were below the belt. We flash back to Marge saying that, unless Danielle was willing to forgive and forget, she would always have problems in her family. Marge admits maybe it came out harsh, but it wasn’t meant that way. Teresa says she forgives and forgets, and when we all get over being stunned, Melissa says, she’s delusional. Marge says she was nothing but nice to Danielle, and Danielle flipped on her like a pancake. Andy says, Melissa defended Danielle in Ireland, but at Dolores’s party everything unraveled. Teresa says, Melissa wanted Danielle on her side for a storyline.

Danielle says, a lot of them have been mean girls, calling her a wannabe. They’re right, she wannabe nothing like them. Marge made fun of her all season. Marge says, Danielle had a great first season, and got a ton of endorsements. Even though the conversation has nothing to do with her, this prompts Jennifer to say she doesn’t need endorsements, and Andy doesn’t do endorsements. He’s never posting stuff. Andy says he does all the time, and loves his endorsements. Jennifer doesn’t bat an eye, even though she’s clearly wrong and obviously, she doesn’t read Andy’s social media. Marge says she was complimenting Danielle, and Andy says, Danielle came off tough, and it was surprising that she was so emotional, and left situations when it seemed like she was going to get in there. Danielle says Rachel shocked her. She thought they were friends. We flash back to Danielle telling Rachel that she was told Marge had an arsenal, and Rachel passing that back to Marge. Danielle says, Rachel made her look bad, and Rachel tells her, that’s what she said. Danielle tells her, Laura said it, and Andy says, it didn’t seem like that big a deal. Jennifer tries to put her two cents in, and Rachel says, no one asked her. Marge says, Rachel just repeated what Danielle said, and Dolores says, she was fueling the fire. Everyone accuses each other of bringing it up, and Rachel asks, where’s the accountability? Danielle says, if she was a bitch and an a-hole, she’d own it, and Rachel says, Danielle is a bitch and an a-hole to her. There’s a lot of screeching at each other, and Rachel tells Danielle, don’t take your insecurities out on me. Danielle says she has balls that drag out the door, and Rachel says she was shocked at how Danielle talked about her in the confessional; saying she was a bitch and on her high horse. Danielle says, the world sees it, and Andy says he loved seeing them together. He thinks this is the dumbest fight ever. He says, Dolores has known Rachel a long time, and Danielle is a new friend. How can they work it out? Dolores says, it’s so minute and stupid, and the longer it goes on, the worse it gets. It’s not worth it. Rachel says she likes Danielle and thinks she’s a great mom. But she didn’t think the punishment fit the crime. It was like Danielle needed to double down and not apologize. Andy asks if Danielle can give a positive response, like he’s a middle school counselor, which seems about right. Danielle says, she looked at it like she and Rachel were joining these crazy ladies together, and thought they had a friendship. She was hurt by it, and hurt sometimes becomes anger, and it snowballed. Dolores suggests they make a pact that what’s said during a season stays there, and promise not to talk about it again. Andy tells Dolores, well done, and says, they’re leaving it there. I say, good luck with that. No argument ever dies with the Housewives.

Andy says, Melissa built a new home, and her life should have been going up, but a malicious rumor redefined what family meant. Andy asks if Rachel’s husband’s company tiled the floors, and Melissa says, they did. Rachel says, Melissa changed her mind 100 times, and Melissa admits she did, but John did an awesome job. Andy asks about Teresa moving from Melissa’s neighborhood, and Melissa says, Teresa bought a house two doors down from her original house. Andy says, a viewer asked why Teresa publicly shamed Antonia, and Teresa insists it was a set-up question, even though no one could have predicted the conversation. Rachel says, just because Teresa says it, doesn’t make it fact, and Melissa says she wasn’t even in the conversation. Andy says, Melissa and Joe have talked about Gia on podcasts, and Melissa says, Teresa’s daughters have hate for her. Everyone saw it on TV. We flash back to Gia and I don’t know which one barely acknowledging Melissa as she’s talking to them. Teresa says, her kids don’t have hate in their heart, and Melissa says, roll the tape. Teresa says she loves her niece, and Andy asks what Teresa’s reaction is to Melissa telling Antonia, whatever goes on, it has nothing to do with her and not to hold a grudge if she sees them upset. Teresa says, Melissa only did it because they were filming, and Melissa says, her kids have never said a word about Teresa. Teresa says, what about saying Melissa and Joe put food on their table? which wasn’t their kids, and we hear Melissa’s podcast when that was discussed. Melissa says, at one time, Teresa was cool with them, and then there’s some big commotion about Joe not being on a list, then being on a list, but I have no idea what they’re talking about, since they’re trying to outshout each other. Melissa says, they were good when Joe took Gia to college, but since Teresa got her man, now they’re pieces of sh*t.  

Andy says, a viewer pointed out that Jennifer was hanging on for dear life to that ballplayer comment Marge made about Joe #2, and we flash back to Jennifer interrogating Melissa about it. Melissa says she didn’t know whether to be flattered or upset. She calls Marge Dynasty because she says these things. She finds Marge funny, and tongue in cheek. Marge says, they call Melissa J.Lo, and that’s how the ballplayer thing happened. Jennifer says, Laura told her that Marge is constantly saying Melissa can do better, and Andy says, apparently Jennifer invited Laura to a party and posted pictures. We see those, and Jennifer asks why Marge didn’t want Laura on the show, but Marge says she tried to get Laura on the show. Andy agrees that she did, and Jennifer looks confused, and wonders why Laura told her different. Andy says, if Laura was trying to get on the show as Marge’s friend, and now as her enemy, the producers would definitely be interested. Teresa acts like Melissa somehow slithered her way onto Teresa’s coattails to get on the show, and says, it’s disgusting. Andy says he has no recollection of it being that way. Melissa was cute, and Joe was funny, and they had a double staircase like Teresa did, which he found amusing. Jennifer says, Teresa can’t get past it, and Teresa says, Melissa’s whole storyline was about her. Melissa says, Teresa’s storyline is talking about her brother every season. Teresa says she never wants to look at Melissa’s face again after what Jacqueline (Laurita) told her about Melissa and Joe. They’d been going out with Juicy Joe’s ex-partner, who outed Joe so he didn’t go to jail. Melissa says, they don’t even know him.  

Next time – The Reunion Part 2 – Teresa cleanses the bad energy; Rachel asks if Jennifer will ever stop talking, and Andy says, she’ll run out of gas eventually; Andy asks if Danielle felt set up; Jaiden’s birth mother has been speaking to blogs, and Rachel says, it’s because Louie contacted her; Marge says her child was threatened at work because of Louie; Teresa says, Marge is the devil; Marge says, Teresa is a criminal, and so is Louie; and Melissa says, Teresa’s got a new bitch boy.

🚿 Needing To Take a Shower…

If these awful women weren’t enough for you, come back tomorrow for soap and some VanderAwful with Part 2 of the Reunion heard round the world. Until then, stay safe, stay being all you can be, whether you’re in the Army or not, and stay remembering you can’t have two number ones.