What I Watched Today

(rambling, random thoughts & annoyingly detailed recaps from real time TV watching)

General Hospital

Josslyn calls Dex, and asks what happened to him last night. He flashes back to the shootout in the warehouse, and says he was working late. She says, pretty soon he won’t be working at all – at least not for Sonny. He hears something, and says he has to go; they’ll talk later. He draws his gun, but Sonny walks into the penthouse and tells him to take it easy. He was just talking to Frank; he got some bandages and antiseptic. Who was Dex talking to?

Trina meets Josslyn outside Kelly’s, and asks if she knows what this is about. Josslyn says she has no idea, but she’s glad Trina is with her. Trina says, likewise, and they go inside. Cameron says he’s glad they made it.

Elizabeth comes into the hospital, and says she hasn’t seen Portia since the wedding. Portia says, they have a lot to catch up on, and Elizabeth says she’s so sorry. Portia says, then Elizabeth has heard, and Elizabeth says she’s sure by now Portia has heard this could be her last day here. Portia tells her, not if she has anything to say about it.

Gregory meets Finn and Chase at the MetroCourt, and apologizes for keeping them waiting. Finn asks if he had something more important, but Gregory says, there’s nothing more important than his sons. Chase says he’s feeling like they come in second these days, and Gregory says, to what? but Finn says he thinks it’s more like to whom. Gregory sees Alexis sitting with Sam across the room.

Alexis says she’s changed her mind, and is no longer interested in breakfast. Sam says, five minutes ago, she was starving. What changed?

Laura and Doc walk into the rec room at Spring Ridge, and Doc asks if Laura is sure about this. She says, with Nikolas missing, they can’t abandon his child, and Spencer says he couldn’t agree more. She says, he can’t be here; she gave Esme her word. Spencer says he hates to make a liar out of her, but he’s not going anywhere. Esme comes in with Ace, and says, thank you so much for coming… She sees Spencer, and asks what he’s doing here.

Alexis says, like clockwork… and Sam says, she’s talking about Gregory. Alexis says she is, and Sam asks, what happened? Did he hit on her? Alexis says, worse. He lied to her. She glares at him.

Chase asks Gregory, what’s the deal? There’s obviously something going on between him and Alexis. Finn asks what she did; correct his grammar again? Chase asks if he can dish it, but not take it, and Gregory says, that woman needs to mind her own business. Chase asks, what happened? and Gregory says, Alexis treated him like he was under investigation instead of treating him like a friend.

Dex says, it was just a spam call, and Sonny says, he picked it up? Dex says he told them to stop calling, and asks if Sonny had any luck finding out who contracted the hit. Sonny says, it’s a work in progress, and Dex says he’s sure Brick is all over it. Sonny asks if Dex got any sleep, and Dex says he did. He thanks Sonny for getting him patched up, and letting him crash here, and Sonny says, it’s the least he could do, since Dex saved his life. Dex says he thinks they’re even since Sonny saved his, and Sonny asks if Spencer is here. He heard Spencer leave this morning, but figured he’d be back by now. Dex says, from where? but Sonny says he has no idea.

Esme says, Laura told her that she could trust her, and Laura says, she can. Esme says, not if she brought Spencer here, but Doc says, they didn’t bring him. Laura says, her grandson just came to check on his baby brother to see if he’s okay, and now he’s going to leave. Doc says, isn’t that right? but Spencer says, no. Laura says, he has to go, but he refuses, and she says, can’t he see that Esme wants nothing to do with him? He yells that he doesn’t care what Esme wants. His baby brother doesn’t belong in here. Laura whispers, this isn’t the way to get it done. She needs Esme to trust her. He needs Esme to trust her. In a normal tone, she says, Spencer must respect Esme’s wishes, and Doc says, he doesn’t want to upset his baby brother, does he? Spencer laughs, tells Esme, this is not over, and leaves. Laura tells Esme that she’s sorry, but Esme says she isn’t. Finally, someone who says what they mean. She thanks Laura.

Trina says, it seems like forever since she’s seen Cameron. How is he doing? He says, okay. Her? She says, it’s been interesting, and he says, she’ll have to fill him in. She says she will, but this is his show. He rang; they came. He says he wasn’t sure they would, and Trina tells him, he said it was important. What’s up? He asks if Spencer is with them, and Trina says, he didn’t mention anything. Cameron says he’s going to wait until Spencer gets here. He really doesn’t want to have this conversation more than once. Josslyn says, sounds big, and he says, it is.

Alexis tells Sam that she was trying to help Gregory get something he wanted. He wanted to work at PCU and have the freedom to served on the editorial board at The Invader. Sam says, but the university wouldn’t let him, and Alexis says, so he told her. Sam says, okay. Then what?

Gregory says, Alexis talks a big game about Mutual respect, keeping boundaries, letting people make their own choices… Finn says, Gregory doesn’t think she does that? and he says he knows she doesn’t. At the end of the day, she decided she knows more about his life than he does.

Alexis tells Sam, friends are supposed to be honest with each other, no matter how painful or how embarrassing. Agreed? Sam says, agreed, and Alexis says, apparently Gregory doesn’t.

Gregory says, Alexis crossed the line, and Finn wonders if there’s a point where he’ll tell them what that line is. Chase asks, what’s going on?

Sam asks what Gregory lied about. And why does he look so upset with Alexis? She thought Alexis tried to help him. Alexis says she kind of, sort of went over his head, but she can’t stress enough that she was trying to help him get something he wanted. Then she found out the truth.

Portia lets Elizabeth into her office, and says, she gave such a beautiful toast at the wedding (I will never hear the end of that – <sigh>). She just wishes there was a happily ever after part. Elizabeth says, Portia doesn’t owe her or anyone else an explanation. What happened between her and Curtis is her business, but when Portia is ready to talk about it, she’s here to listen. Portia says, Elizabeth has her own problems going on, and Elizabeth says, maybe they can help each other. Portia says she kept a secret; a big secret. Not just from Curtis, but from the person she loves most in the world. Elizabeth says, Trina, and Portia says she doesn’t know if they’re ever going to forgive her.

Cameron gossips with Trina and Josslyn, but then flashes back to seeing Dex in Josslyn’s dorm room. Spencer comes in, and asks what he missed.

Sonny says he knows there’s no love lost between Dex and Spencer, and he knows Spencer can be difficult, but Spencer is his nephew, so he expects them to co-exist. Dex says, understood, and don’t worry. He won’t overstay his welcome. Kristina comes in, and asks, what’s up with all the security? She sees Dex, and asks Sonny, how bad is it?

Esme says, the first day she woke up in the hospital, it was so confusing. She didn’t know who she was or where she was, let alone who she could trust. Laura says, it must have been terrifying, and Esme says she didn’t even want to talk to Doc, but didn’t know why until she met her father. Doc says, she looked at him and saw Ryan, but just didn’t realize it. Esme says she learned pretty quickly what kind of people her parents were. It was obvious they were trying to use her. Nikolas and Spencer were more subtle about it. Laura says, Esme has every right to be angry with her son and even her grandson, but know they love this little baby she’s holding. Esme says, do they though? Or is Ace just one more thing for them to control? Doc says he’s not sure that’s a fair assessment, but Esme says she’s not trying to be fair; she’s trying to be a good mother. Is that what Laura’s doing? Being a good mother to Nikolas and Spencer? Is this just another way of working her so she can take Ace away for them?

Elizabeth says, that’s a long time to keep a secret, and Portia tells her that she can say it. She kept life-altering information from the people she loves the most. Elizabeth says she absolutely won’t say it. She knows what it’s like to do the wrong thing for the right reasons. At least what feels right to you. Portia says she doesn’t think anything feels right to Curtis and Trina, and Elizabeth says, they’re hurting. Portia has to accept that. Portia says she does, and Elizabeth says, eventually, they’ll see she’s hurting too, and when Trina’s paternity is answered, they can all begin to heal… Unless they don’t want to know? Portia says, nothing will change the fact that Trina sees Marcus as her father, and she always will, and Elizabeth says, of course (🍷) not, but if she finds out they’re not biologically related, doesn’t Portia think she’ll have room in her heart for them both? Portia says, Elizabeth is being optimistic, but she hopes so, and Elizabeth says, optimistic for a woman who’s about to face the review board, she means? Portia says, Elizabeth should know by now she doesn’t listen to rumors, but Elizabeth says, she should. All of them are true.

Sam says, if Gregory isn’t teaching any more at PCU, what’s stopping him from working with Alexis? Alexis says, that’s exactly what she’d like to know, and Sam wonders if she asked him. Alexis says, hi, I’m Alexis Davis, your mother, and shakes Sam’s hand. Of course (🍷) she asked him. Sam says, and? and Alexis says, he said she was interfering and shut her down. Sam says, he’s not entirely wrong about the interfering part, and Alexis says, normally she’d say Sam was right, but she thinks there’s more to it than what Gregory’s telling her.

Gregory tells Finn and Chase, nothing’s going on; nothing earth shattering. He’s not teaching at PCU this semester, and for some reason, Alexis felt he was obligated to tell her. Finn asks if he’s taking a sabbatical, but Gregory says, just a break. Chase asks if he’s writing that novel he never had time for, and Gregory says he wishes he was that ambitious. He’s simply taking time for himself. Finn says, uh-huh, and he and Chase look at each other.

Sonny says, Dex is off the clock, and Kristina says, so it’s worse than she thought. He says, nothing he can’t handle. Dex drops the bag he’s holding, and a huge bandage roll falls out. Kristina asks if he cut himself shaving, as she puts them back in the bag, and Dex says, something like that. She tells him that he should try to be more careful next time, and he leaves the room. Kristina says, Sonny didn’t tell her that he had a new houseguest. She knows; ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no lies. He says, it’s all good, and they sit down. He asks what brings her by, and she says, guess. He says, she misses him? and she says, always, but she has a business proposition for him.

Laura says she doesn’t blame Esme for not trusting anyone, her included, and Doc says, especially after the way her parents manipulated her to help them escape. Laura says, not to mention using her as a wedge between Nikolas and Ava, and Doc says, it’s actually a healthy sign that her defense mechanisms are intact. Esme asks if he always talks like that, and Laura says, once a psychiatrist, always a psychiatrist. Doc says, guilty as charged, but he’s also family, without the Cassadine baggage. She’s his niece, and Ace is his grand-nephew. He hopes she can come to count on him as someone she can trust and not just see her father’s twin. She says she might not have Ace if it wasn’t for them, and Laura says, neither of them wants to take this baby from her, but does she really think prison is the best place for a baby?

Cameron asks where Spencer was, and he says he was visiting Esme at Spring Ridge, trying to appeal to her good side. Josslyn says, she doesn’t have a good side, and Trina asks if she’s still determined to keep the baby with her at Spring Ridge. Cameron says, it’s legal for her to have a baby in prison? and Josslyn asks what Spencer’s grandmother says. He tells her, that they need to play nice, and get Esme to trust them. She thinks once they do, Esme will come to her senses, and realize she has to offer the baby up because it’s the right thing to do. Cameron says, as if she knew the meaning of the words, and Josslyn says, for real. Trina looks at Cameron, and says, what? He says, it’s just, for a second, it felt like old times. Us against the common enemy. He’s going to miss that. Spencer asks why he’d have to, and Cameron says he doesn’t know how to put this delicately, so he’s just going to say it. He’s leaving Port Charles. This is harder than he thought it would be. Spencer says he doesn’t understand, and Trina asks if Cameron’s mom is moving to another hospital, but Cameron says his mom is staying here. He got an athletic scholarship to Stanford. They want him this spring quarter so he can start working out with the team. Josslyn says, that’s amazing. Stanford has one of the best programs in the country. Spencer says, Stanford University in California? and Cameron says, that’s the one. Trina says she’s glad, but he does know their mascot is a tree. Cameron says he thinks he can learn to live with that, but Spencer says he calls BS. Cameron loves playing soccer at PCU. His family’s here; his friends are here. What’s the real reason he’s leaving?

Esme says she knew it. Laura is no better than Spencer. She’s just better at hiding her true colors. Laura says she’s just thinking of the baby, but Esme says, a baby should be with its mother; the law agrees with her. Laura says, and they’ll respect whatever she decides, truly. She’s just asking Esme to think about it, that’s all. Think if this is the place she wants to raise her son, in this kind of environment. And God forbid she should be sent to Pentenville. Pentenville is going to make this place look like a spa in comparison. Esme says she hadn’t really thought about that, and Doc says, she could use this time. Figure things out; find herself. Come out stronger, self-sufficient, and ready to make a fresh start. Laura says, and it doesn’t have to be either/or, prison or the Cassadines. This baby has another option. Esme asks, what option? and Doc says, us. Laura says, two grandparents who would love to take care of him until she’s able to. All she has to do is ask.

Elizabeth tells Portia, she knows now helping Nikolas was the absolute wrong thing to do, but at the time, she convinced herself that harboring Esme was the lesser of evils. The time that really bothers her is between Officer Cabrera’s murder and Esme’s escape, when she knew Esme couldn’t be The Hook. She should have come forward and gone to the police then, but she didn’t. She convinced herself if she got arrested, her boys would suffer. Portia says she convinced herself Curtis and Trina were better off not knowing. That after 20 years, it would cause more of a mess in their lives. She doesn’t know why they do this to themselves. And they come up with these justifications. It makes no sense. Elizabeth agrees, and Portia says she’d offer to be a character witness for Elizabeth, but since she has her own character issues she’s trying to balance, she doesn’t know if she’d do any good. Elizabeth says, just knowing she has a friend in this place, always.

Kristina tells Sonny that she has the experience and expertise. All she needs is the seed money to get it off the ground. He says, her own restaurant, and she says, he doesn’t think she can do it? He says he thinks she can do it, and he’ll back her, but he’s just wondering where this is coming from. She loved being the manager at Charlie’s – she says, she does – and she got in that argument with her mom. Kristina says, Alexis implied she wasn’t ambitious enough, so she had to defend herself. He says, obviously, and she says she sees Molly and TJ mapping out their futures, and Sam and Dante doing the same thing. He says, she wants more? and she asks if it’s not okay to want more.

Alexis asks how things are with Sam and Dante. It seems like they’re in a good place. Sam says, they are, but not nearly as good as that attempt to deflect. I literally lol. Alexis says, darn, and Sam says, there is clearly unfinished business with her and Gregory. Why not just finish it? At least meet the guy halfway. Alexis looks over at Gregory.

Gregory says, so, how’s rockstar life, and doctor life? and Finn says, not nearly as entertaining as avoidance life. Again I laugh. Gregory says, like he should talk, and Finn says, fair enough. Chase says, Alexis is over there. Cant’s they just work out whatever’s between them? Finn says he’s sorry, but he has to get back to GH, and Chase says he has somewhere to be too. He tells Gregory, be an adult, and Gregory says he’ll try. Finn says, that’s the spirit, and he and Chase leave. Gregory and Alexis both get up, and meet in the middle like it’s the O.K. Corral.

Sonny says, there’s nothing wrong with wanting more, but this is not a competition, and Kristina says, even if her biological clock is ticking away and her kid sister is beating her to it? Dex eavesdrops, and Sonny says, she has all the time in the world for that. Let him ask her a question. Does she still love working at Charlie’s, managing? She says she loves dealing with customers and making them feel welcome, and she likes giving them what they want. He says, and it gives her time to volunteer at the youth center. Is that still important to her? She says, very, and he says, she’s not going to have that time if she’s launching a new business. She’ll have to be one-on-one with people, dealing with spreadsheets, paying the bills. He wants her to think about every angle. Even when you start a business, it’s a 24/7 endeavor. He thinks she can do it… Let him rephrase that. He knows she can do it, but is she going to be as happy as she is now. She says, probably not. Things are pretty great right now. She loves her life. Dex continues to listen, and Sonny says he guesses there’s her answer.

Spencer blames Esme, and Trina asks what Esme has to do with Cam transferring to Stanford. Spencer says, everything. Not only did Esme worm her way into his life to break up Ava and his father, she also had her mind set on breaking up this, their friendship. She hated that he had friends; people he relied on and trusted. Josslyn says, she can’t stand Esme either, but she doesn’t think Esme is to blame for Cam leaving. She’s not sure blame is the right word. Getting into Stanford is a huge achievement. Getting an athletic scholarship on top of it? It’s amazing; he’s amazing. Why is Spencer tarnishing this moment by bringing up Esme? Spencer says, because Esme set everything in motion. She used them. She lied to them. Now she gets some magic do-over because she claims to have lost her memory, and now it’s poor pitiful Esme. He’s sick of everyone defending her. If she gets custody of this kid and tries to raise him, she’s going to ruin his life, the same way she tried to ruin theirs. It’s enough. He gets up, banging on the counter. He strides out, yelling, it needs to stop!

Esme says, Ace would live with them? and Doc says, that’s right. Laura says, they’ve done it before. Her granddaughter Charlotte is living with them right now. She asks Doc if Charlotte wouldn’t love having a baby in the house, and Doc says, it would make her life. Laura says, and theirs too, but only until Esme has her life settled. Esme says, if she could trust Ace with anyone, it would be Laura, but it’s all just too complicated. Laura says, what is? and Esme says she looks at Doc and sees her father. She looks at Laura and sees Nikolas and Spencer. It’s really overwhelming, and frankly just feels wrong. So, she has to trust her instincts, which means her son is staying with her.

Sonny walks Kristina to the door, and says, she’s headed to Charlie’s? She says, somebody has to hang the open sign on the door, and he says, it’s been open for hours. Kristina says, Kurt, the first one in, always forgets, and Sonny says he’s proud of her. She says she knows, but sometimes she needs a reminder. He says she can like herself; he likes her too. She says she loves him, and he says he loves her too. They hug, and she thanks him for the pep talk. He says, anytime, and she leaves. Dex asks if everything’s all right with Kristina, and Sonny says, yeah. He loves that kid. Dex says he can tell, and Sonny says, out of all his kids, she’s like him. They get each other. Dex says, makes for a lucky daughter, but Sonny says he’s the lucky one. Feeling guilty yet, Dex? I hope so.

Cameron comes out from the back, and asks Josslyn, where’s Trina? She says, Trina asked her to tell him that she had to head out; something came up. He asks if that something’s name is Spencer, and she says, that would be her guess. Trina promised to say goodbye before he leaves town. He says, she’d better, and Josslyn says, they’re not going to be easy, are they? He says, the goodbyes? No. Some will be harder than others. She says she should head out, and he says he’s going to miss her. She says she’s going to miss him too.

Alexis says, it was nice to see Gregory with Finn and Chase, and he says, and her with Sam. He just told Finn and Chase that he wasn’t coming back to PCU. She says she’s glad he told them, and he tells her, that’s all he said. And that’s where it ends… unless she was telling her daughter something else. She says she just told Sam that she was concerned about him, and he says, don’t be; he’s just fine. She says, okay. It’s just that she cares about him, and doesn’t want their friendship to end over this. Does he? He says, no, and she says, good. So what do they do about it? He says he supposes this conversation is a start, and suddenly falls over, catching himself with a table.

Cameron says, he and Josslyn are done as a couple, but as she said, they’ve been friends all their lives. At the time, he didn’t think they could still be friends… She asks if he’s changed his mind, and he says, yeah. She breathes a sigh of relief, and says, that’s such good news. He says, as her friend, he needs her to listen to him. She says, sure. What? He says, stay away from Dex Heller.

Spencer comes into the apartment and sees Dex. They stare at each other and it’s another O.K. Corral moment.

Laura says, it seems like Esme’s made up her mind. She thinks they should be going. Esme says she appreciates them making the trip, and Laura says she’d do anything for her family. Esme says she can see that. She thinks it’s time they go back to their room. Laura touches Esme’s arm, and says, he’s asleep; she doesn’t want to wake him up. Esme quietly leaves, and Laura cries. Doc asks what she thinks, and she says, honestly, no matter what anybody says, that girl loves that baby. He says, yes, puts his arm around her, and they leave.

Alexis wipes up the drink Gregory spilled, and he says, don’t, but she says she’s got it. She asks if he’s all right, and he says, yeah. He lost his footing. Itsht no big deal. She asks if he’s been drinking.

Finn comes out of the hospital elevator as Elizabeth and Portia come out of Portia’s office. Elizabeth and Finn sort of smile at each other, and Portia tells Elizabeth, good luck. Elizabeth thanks her, and Portia moves on. Finn says, big day. How is she feeling? She says, nervous, but resolute. She’s hoping the board will see past her mistakes. He says, for what it’s worth (🍷), he’s here for her. As a friend; whatever she needs. She says, it’s worth a lot.

Josslyn says she can’t talk about Dex with Cameron, and he asks if she can’t just do this one thing. This isn’t throwing shade. She has to believe he only has her happiness in mind. He didn’t tell anyone about her and Dex in her dorm, did he? She says, no, and she’s so grateful, and he says he didn’t do it for Dex; he did it for her. She says she appreciates that, and he says he needs her to hear him out. She’s sneaking around with this guy. That isn’t her. She’s the most straightforward person he knows, and she shouldn’t have to change that about herself for Dex. She says she’s not changing herself, and he says, she hates Sonny and that life. Dex is a part of that. He has a gun, right? Of course (🍷) he has a gun. He’s going to get hurt; it’s inevitable. She flashes back to nursing Dex when his wound got infected, and Cameron says she’s going to end up living the life she hates. She has to know he’s right. She asks if he’s done, but he says, not even close.

Spencer asks if Dex isn’t supposed to be outside with the other bodyguards to keep people from coming in. How is he going to protect Uncle Sonny from in here? Dex says he’s off-duty, and Spencer asks what he’s doing here then. Sonny comes out, and says he invited Dex. Dex is going to be staying with them for a while.

Esme comes back to the rec room, and looks for Ace’s binkie. Trina says, looking for this? and holds it out to her.

Tomorrow, Alexis says, if he’s not drunk, why is Gregory slurring his words; Dex asks what Spencer thinks he’s lying to Sonny about; and Sonny tells Nina, there was an incident last night.

Vanderpump Rules

In Raquel’s interview, she says she hasn’t done many girls trips. Raquel now is wild, free, single, and fun. She’s focusing on herself. After their night out in Las Vegas, the girls go back to their suite, and Raquel is super drunk. She throws all the leftovers in a container, and puts them in the microwave. In Lala’s interview, she says, after seeing Raquel’s sloppiness, she doesn’t know if she’d trust Raquel after one too many drinks. Lala, Katie, and Kristina are lounging on a bed, and Kristina asks if Raquel made out with Oliver. Katie says, welcome to her world; there are a lot of comparisons. Raquel toddles into the room and sits on the bed with her food, and Kristina asks her about Oliver. Raquel says, it was Lala’s territory, but she gave the okay, and in Katie’s interview, she says she’s seeing a pattern. Raquel is only interested in guys her friends are married to or interested in. Big red flag. Lala says she punted Oliver to Raquel, but after seeing her drunk, she’d never trust Raquel around her man. Raquel says, thank God Lala doesn’t have a man around, and everyone is like, whaaat? Lala says she’s going to shut this down. Raquel has been drinking, it’s 3 am, and they’re going to bed. Raquel leaves, and Kristina asks if she’s tripping. Lala says she feels a Lala coming out that she doesn’t want. If Raquel wasn’t wasted, she’d put this bitch back in her grave. Lala tells Katie, give these ho’s an inch and they take a mile. She thinks the second it came out, Raquel wanted to retract. Kristina goes to get Katie’s toothbrush, and when she comes back, she says, Raquel is listening to music and has lights going from a projector. Lala wonders if she’s going to murder them tonight. They talk about hiding their boyfriends, and Raquel listens at the door. In her interview, she cries and says, the last thing she expected to be judged on was being drunk and having fun.

Kristina says, Andrew from the bar wanted to meet Katie, and Katie says, it would be a fun thing, but no. Lala says she likes Raquel without James, but she was appalled. In Lala’s interview, she says, she’s been that wasted person who says the most out-of-pocket things, and we flash back to some of her not-so-fine moments. She says she’s not judging, but their journeys are not in alignment. Raquel is a liability and unpredictable. Raquel brings Katie her makeup, and says she’s embarrassed. She thinks she said something offensive to Lala, and Lala says, it would be offensive to any woman. She tells Raquel what she’d said, and asks if Raquel really feels that way. If she does, Lala isn’t her audience. She respects relationships. It doesn’t feel great about having hooked up with Raquel’s ex-fiancé. In Raquel’s interview, she says, it’s weird, Lala schooling her about respecting relationships when she slept with Raquel’s boyfriend. It’s the textbook definition of hypocrite. They head for Lake Havasu.

Scheana goes over to Schwartz’s apartment where they meet with makeover stylist Sheera. In Scheana’s interview, she says, Schwartz needs to get his Schwartz back, and she’s going to personally do what she can to get him there. He tries on a bunch of stuff, and they purge his closet. If I hear it’s a vibe one more time, I’m smashing the TV. In the car on the way to Havasu, Kristina says she got the feeling Katie’s mother was hoping things would still work out with Katie and Schwarz. Katie says, they spent all the major holidays with her family, and Kristina says, it’s like someone is your whole life, then they’re gone. At Schwartz’s, Scheana asks if Schwartz should have things that remind him of his marriage, and Sheera suggests an archival box. Scheana tells Schwartz that Katie is celebrating their divorce, and thinks he should have a boys night; she’ll host. In Schwartz’s interview, he says he feels a sense of obligation to get sloppy and make out. He agrees, and Scheana says, he’s getting his Schwartz back.

In the car, Kristina asks if Raquel talked to James about breaking up or just left abruptly, and Raquel says, after James exploded at her dad on Thanksgiving, she made her decision. He was enraged on the car ride to the hotel. In her interview, Raquel says, James couldn’t stop with the low blows. He said her dad was miserable because he married a fat bitch, and he wasn’t a good dad. Raquel told him to shut up or she was going to strand him in the desert. She tells the girls that she was planning to leave when James went to London to visit his dad. She was going to pack her stuff, and leave the ring with a note. She’d felt so focused on James, she lost her identity. She doesn’t know who she is. Katie says, she has to figure that sh*t out, and Raquel starts crying. Kristina says, she’s been holding in her emotions, and Raquel says she’s good at that. Katie says she’s a pro, and Lala pulls over, saying, they need to eat. Raquel says she doesn’t feel good, and she’s having an anxiety attack.

The girls give Raquel some water, and Lala tells her to breathe in through her mouth and out her nose. Raquel says she doesn’t know how to do that, and they start laughing, realizing Lala has it backward. Lala says, Raquel is funny and cute, and enjoyed herself; they’re all good. Everything is fine. Katie says, she’s not alone, and Lala tells her to keep her head where her feet are. They arrive at the rental house, and in Katie’s interview, she says, it’s been an eventful 24 hours. She wants to relax, have fun, and talk to cute boys. Charli arrives, and meets Kristina for the first time. In Charli’s interview, she says, all she knows is, Kristina used to work at SUR, and now sells lip balm.

The Toms go to TomTom, and in Sandoval’s interview, he says, Greg is a great guy, but they don’t see eye to eye on things about getting the bar open. However, he’s consistent and reliable. Schwartz says he’s deliberating taking Lisa up on her offer. His head says, do it, but his heart says, not to do it. Tom says, what if they pull their money out, and Schwartz & Sandy’s flops? They’ll be left with nothing. Schwartz says, it’s a horrible thought, and Sandoval says, Greg knows the neighborhood, and they need him. Schwartz says he’s optimistic about the tasting consult. He’s going to check with who he discusses his most important financial decisions – the Magic 8 Ball. He brings it up on his phone, which is about as much fun as the electronic slot machines with no arm to pull, and asks if they should divest from TomTom. The 8 Ball says, yes, definitely, and Sandoval says, they’ll think about it. James comes in, and Schwartz says, they’re having a guys night. They’re going to Skybar and being hooligans. The only girl coming is Scheana because she’s one of the dudes. James says he likes it, and needs it. Ally wants him to separate himself from Raquel. It was cool in the beginning, but not anymore. In James’s interview, he says, Raquel never knew any of them before he introduced her. She needs to get her own life. Next, she’ll be DJing.  

The girls go out to a restaurant/bar. Lala says, tonight will be chill. They’ll just have dinner and go back to the house. Raquel says she’s glad Charli didn’t see her last night, and Lala says, when Raquel drinks, she’s a different person. Katie says, it was like the Hulk, and Kristina says, it wasn’t normal fun drunk. Lala says, a liability, and they tell Charli about Oliver. Raquel says she wants to go home, and Charli asks, what happened? Lala says, Raquel had lots of drinks and made out with Oliver on the dance floor at Discopussy. Charli wants to see his picture, and they show her. Lala says she had no intention of making out or smashing, so she gave Raquel permission. It was fine, but when they got back to the room, she’d said that if Raquel had one too many, she wouldn’t trust Raquel with her man. Then Raquel said, thank God she didn’t have a man. In Charli’s interview, she says, it sounds like Lala didn’t get chosen, and she’s bitter. She says she likes to see Raquel confident, but Lala says, as a woman, it was offensive and wrong on many levels; it was nothing to be proud of. In her interview, Charli says she doesn’t know who made Lala the spokesperson for women, but Lala doesn’t speak for her. She went from a mansion to an apartment. Lala says, it takes her back to high school, being a cheerleader and someone is trying to steal her man. In Raquel’s interview, she says, there was a moment in the car when she thought they could all be friends, but she’s not taking this sh*t. She tells Lala, if anyone should be on edge, it’s her, since Lala slept with James. Lala says, that was six years ago, and she was drinking. Raquel says, she was drinking too, and Charli says, it’s a valid point. Lala says, it was six years ago, and Raquel just tried to make out with Schwartz. Raquel says, it didn’t happen, and Lala says, Raquel is holding onto something from six years ago. She’s lived a billion lifetimes since then, and she’s learned. If Raquel can’t respect that, that’s her issue. Raquel says she needs to stand up for herself, but Lala says, that’s not the way to do it. Raquel calls her a hypocrite, since she slept with a married man. We flash back to the beginnings of Lala and Randall’s relationship, and Katie says, Raquel wanted to make out with Schwartz, and they’re still married. She’s trying to move past it and she’s been gracious, but she doesn’t have to be. She could light Raquel’s ass on fire for what she’s done. Raquel says, she didn’t make out with Schwartz, and Lala says, that’s not because Raquel is a stand-up chick; Schwartz denied her. Raquel doesn’t know sh*t about her situation. I recommend you disengage, bitch. In Lala’s interview, she says, the word mistress hits a nerve. Randall never had to defend himself. She’s had to wear that, and pay for someone else’s actions. She, Katie, and Kristina leave, and Charli laughs, saying, she loves when people shake. Note to self and the world: Charli is a complete and utter a-hole.

Lisa calls Ariana from her pet graveyard, and says she’s thinking of her. She’s where Giggy and Pink Dog and the others are buried. Ariana says she’d love to do that, but she’d never be able to leaved. Lisa says she told Ken that she’s burying him there as well.

Lala, Kristina, and Katie have coffee, and Kristina says she came down early, and Rachel had moved to Charli’s room. Lala says, this was supposed to be fun and about Katie, but it’s been about Raquel and her decisions for two nights. Raquel and Charli wake up, having slept in the same bed. I know a lot of the women/girls will share beds on these shows, but ugh. I just don’t want to share my sleeping space with a girlfriend. I barely want to share it with my man. We see a clip of them doing karaoke the night before, and Charli saying, any Kid Rock fans?… Just one? We don’t see them singing, but I’m guessing the song was Cocky, since it fits. Raquel says she feels not welcome [sic], and doesn’t want to stay. Charli says, it’s like some medieval shaming, and Raquel says, they were in a good place during the car ride. Hmm… The only thing added after that was Charli. I’m no Raquel fan, but Charli is a real piece of work. Although at least she’s openly a d-bag, while Raquel has a whole wide-eyed innocent act going on. Charli says, maybe it’s best to give them space, and Raquel says, Scheana is hosting a guys night for Schwartz. Charli suggests they crash it. Schwartz has more friends than these girls. In Raquel’s interview, she says she should have known she couldn’t trust them when she overheard them talking sh*t in Vegas. We flash back to yesterday, and she says she’d rather be in L.A. with her real friends who loved her for who she is. She and Charli go out on the terrace where the others are sitting, and Raquel says she doesn’t feel comfortable. It was a mistake for her come, so she’s leaving. They’re meeting Scheana and Schwartz. Kristina says, makes sense, and Charli says, Raquel’s not f***ing Tom. In Charli’s interview, she says she’s surprised Kristina could say anything with Katie’s d*ck in her mouth, and makes another crack about lip balm. Lala says she thinks it’s a good idea, and Raquel says, Lala gave her the green light, but Lala says, it’s not about Oliver. It’s about Raquel calling her a mistress – again. They’re done here. Safe travels. Raquel says, Lala is angry because Oliver chose her, and Lala laughs. Raquel says, if Oliver wanted to take Lala on the dance floor, he would have. Um… She can’t have it both ways – Lala giving her the green light and not being chosen. Raquel and Charli leave, Charli saying something about the lip balm girl with the dry-ass hair. Omg, she is still in high school. Kristina says, Charli has so much to do with it. Katie should rethink their friendship. Lala says, she gives bad advice. Those are two low vibration human beings. In the car, Raquel says, that was the funniest, most awkward thing. On the terrace, Kristina says, they’re going on a boat and having a bomb-ass day.

In Lala’s interview, she says, with Raquel out of the picture, they can get back to why they came; to show Katie a good time, and move on to a new chapter. They go to a dock where there’s floating cabanas and water toys. They find out the group of guys at the next cabana are having a bachelor party, and Lala tells them, homegirl is celebrating getting divorced. In her interview, Lala says, Lauren from Utah knows how to go to a lake party. She’ll show these bitches how it’s done.

The Toms meet Greg and his wife JoLane at Schwartz & Sandy’s for the food tasting. Sandoval brings Ariana with him, and in his interview, he says, it’s stressful. They don’t know which Greg they’ll get; the positive, happy one, or the everything sucks/what are you guys doing? one. Schwartz asks how Ariana is, and in Ariana’s interview, she says, when she left Vegas, they went to the vet and had to put Charlotte to sleep. She held Charlotte, telling her that she loved her. She’s been a wreck. I’m a wreck just hearing it, and she says she’s trying to put on a brave face and get out and do something nice. Just when I think I can’t despise Sandoval more, I do. Chef consultant Frankie brings them different dishes to try, and Greg says he doesn’t want things on the menu that people can get around the corner. In Sandoval’s interview, he says, they’re thinking only 18 items on the menu, so every one has to be a banger. Greg critiques the dishes, and says he wants to offer something that people would normally have to leave the neighborhood to get. In his interview, Sandoval says he hopes they can keep the momentum going so they don’t have to take money from TomTom.

Lala and Kristina surprise Katie on the terrace with a Schwartz piñata. Katie whacks it so hard, the head is severed from the body, and condoms and alcohol nips fall out, along with a vibrator. In Katie’s interview, she says, it’s a dream come true. She’s always wanted to beat the sh*t out of him. She wants to save it as a voodoo doll. Lala asks what Katie thinks she wants when she’s ready for a relationship, and Katie says, someone who adores and supports her, and values her opinions and mind; a true teammate. Lala says, Katie seems cool, and asks if there’s anything she misses. Katie says, she misses a lot of things, and Kristina says, 12 years is a long time. Katie says, Schwartz was her best friend, but she needed something more, and Kristina says, losing a best friend is just as hard. Katie says, it’s not easy to tell people, just be supportive and not get involved. She doesn’t want to bring the trip down, but Lala says she’s proud of Katie. She’s handling herself well. Power to the p*ssy.

Guys night happens at Skybar, and Brock brings Scheana along. She tells the others that she wasn’t invited on the girls trip, but she’s used to it. In Scheana’s interview, she says, Katie has two girls on her divorced trip. This is a party; that’s a sad get-together. They toast to the Schwartzinator, and James says, Lala called and said she had to give it to his ex. In Jame’s interview, he says, it doesn’t surprise him that it was a disaster. Lala doesn’t like Raquel, and if Raquel does one thing, she’s overstepping the alpha cat. He makes screeching sounds, and tells the guys that Lala and Raquel are like balsamic vinegarette and olive oil. Um… Those go together. I think he means oil and water.

In Havasu, the girls go to Havana Bar, which has a cowboy vibe. In her interview, Lala says, they’re not in L.A., and Kristina says, it’s Coors Light, JD shots, and cowboy boots. Lala says, this is America, and Kristina asks if Katie sees any cute boys. We don’t. Kristina sees a couple of guys that she thinks are more Lala’s vibe, and in Lala’s interview, she says she’s tingling in all the right places. Her vagina is leading the pack and they’re approaching. She goes over to the guys and finds out they’re from L.A. She invites the guys to join them.

At Skybar, Tom says he’s soused, when Charli and Raquel walk in. James says, Ally’s going to kill him. Guys night means nothing.

To be continued…

😵‍💫 Hairing My Tear Out…

My old computer is on its last legs, and I’m navigating a new one, so I’ve been running late. Tomorrow is only for soap, so I’ll have time to pour a little tea. Until then, stay safe, stay remembering what you have to be grateful for, and stay knowing, there’s nothing wrong with wanting more, but it’s not a competition.