What I Watched Today

(rambling, random thoughts & annoyingly detailed recaps from real time TV watching)

General Hospital

Curtis is getting ready to lock up at The Savoy, when Portia comes in. She says it looks like she’s too late for a drink, but he says, for you, this place is always open. He asks what she’ll have, and she says, surprise me.

Dante asks if Dallas spends much time in Monte Carlo, and she says, as much time as she spends anywhere. He says, so she travels a lot? and she says he asks a lot of questions; why is that? Outside, Sam takes a key out of the wallet she lifted.

Victor asks if Peter is all settled in, and Peter says he is. The accommodations are fine. Victor says, certainly better than the cell Peter would be in if he hadn’t managed to extract him from Nixon Falls. Peter asks if Victor wants a thank you, but Victor says he wants Peter to honor the terms of their agreement.

Anna goes to Chloe’s room, and asks the guard if there have been any changes. He says there’s a nurse with her now, and Anna asks if any visitors have come to see Chloe, but he says, no. She calls Valentin and gets voicemail. She says she’s sorry she had to leave, but she’s at the US Consulate. Call her when he gets this. Robert says, bloody hell. How did she beat him there?

Valentin wakes up handcuffed in Drew’s cell. Drew asks if he’s awake, and tells him, welcome to hell.

Anna asks what Robert is doing there, and he says, her first. She says she’s waiting to speak to Chloe Jennings, the woman who was hired to be Maxie’s baby nurse before Peter replaced her with a psycho. He says, what a coincidence. So is he. She says, he’s not. She’s actually an active WSB agent. He’s the DA in Port Charles. She thinks it’s a little far from his jurisdiction. He says, Maxie’s family. Someone’s stolen her child. Whatever contacts he has within the Bureau, he’s going to use them to get that kid back. They would be better off working together than alone. She says she’s not working alone.

Valentin says, he’s Drew Cain, and Drew says, yep. Valentin thinks he’s been drugged, and Drew says, that would be a safe bet. He was pretty out of it when the guards brought him in. Valentin asks where they are, and Drew says Valentin would know better than he would. What’s the last place he remembers? Valentin says he was drinking in a tavern in a small village on the island of Crete. Drew says, Crete. Of course (🍷). He figured he was somewhere in Greece. A lot of the guards speak Greek, and you can hear the ocean if you really listen. He thanks Valentin, and says, if nothing else, he finally knows his location. Valentin asks if he’s been locked up there this whole time, and Drew says, for two years, and Valentin doesn’t look that surprised to see him. Valentin says, he’s working with Anna Devane, and Drew asks how she is. He says they were drinking together. He doesn’t know. She was as drunk as he was. Drew says, maybe they only drugged Valentin, and Valentin says he hopes so. Drew says, sorry he interrupted. Valentin was about to tell him how he knew he was alive. Valentin says Drew managed to phone Sam, who told Anna, and said there was a possibility Drew survived the plane crash. Drew says, there was no plane crash. It was all staged to cover up his abduction. Valentin says, by Peter August? and Drew says, he was involved, but the guy who’s been keeping him prisoner all this time is actually a relative of Valentin’s – Victor Cassadine.

Victor says he’s provided Peter with a lot of help, and Peter says, it seems events have escalated recently. Victor says, not only recently; for years now. Peter needed a place to warehouse Drew, and he obliged. Peter says, not out of the goodness of his heart. Victor wanted Drew for his own ends. Victor says, to be of any use to him, Drew has to follow his orders. That’s why Peter agreed to give him the means to access the conditioning installed by Peter’s father. He’s still waiting.

Dante says, he and Dallas only just met, and he’s in her hotel room. He’s just trying to get to know her better. She says she’s a proud graduate of Texas A&M – go Aggies. She wanted to get an MBA, but didn’t want student loan debt, so she took a job with a defense contractor who sent her overseas. One job led to another, and she never made it back to business school, but she did manage to start her own consulting firm. He asks what she consults about, and she says, anything anybody pays her for. Now it’s her turn to ask questions. What does he want? Sam comes into the room, acting flustered, and says she’s so sorry. She guesses this isn’t their room. Dallas asks if this is a robbery. There’s 10,000 euros in her bag, and her bracelet is real. Take them, and she’ll give them a five minute head start before she calls security. Sam says they’re not here to rob her; they just want some information. Dante says, they’ll save her 10,000 euros and her bracelet, and would be grateful for her help. She says the two of them tried to scam her. Why should she tell them a damn thing?

Curtis says he hopes Portia isn’t disappointed in wine, as he pours her a glass. She says, not at all. He read her mind. She’s not really up for a signature cocktail with fifteen ingredients. Not that the drinks they make aren’t amazing,. He says, sometimes a little wine is all you need. The distributor sent this over for him to try. Tell him what she thinks. She takes a sip, and says she likes it very much. He says, he’ll order more, and she asks if he’s heard from Jordan. He says he called her yesterday, and she sounded good, so he checked with TJ, and he’s monitoring her case. It’s slow and go, but the numbers are headed in the right direction. She says she’s glad, and he says, him too. That was crazy at Roger Barstow’s house. If Portia hadn’t been there, he might not have gotten Jordan out in time.

Robert asks why Anna would continue to trust this snake, and she says, because Valentin is as motivated as she is to find Peter and stop him. Robert was right about Peter, and all his dire predictions came true because she and Valentin ignored the dangers. So now they’re trying to mitigate the damage. Doesn’t he see? He says she doesn’t think there’s a snowball’s chance in hell Valentin is playing her?

Valentin says, Victor Cassadine is dead, and Drew says, there’s a lot of that going around. Valentin asks why Victor would be keeping Drew prisoner, and Drew says he hasn’t seen Victor face-to-face, but Obrecht thinks it’s part of a bigger deal he has going with Peter. Valentin says, Liesl Obrecht? and Drew asks if she’s supposed to be dead too. Valentin says, just missing, and Drew says, she was here a few hours ago. They allowed her to give him medical attention. Valentin asks if he’s okay, and Drew says, a little banged up, but nothing serious. She gave him some antibiotics. Valentin says, so she’s working for Victor, but Drew says, she claims she’s Victor’s prisoner too. Valentin asks if he believes her, and Drew says, Victor and Peter are allies, and her hatred for Peter is very convincing. Valentin says he’s seen it first hand, and Drew says, Obrecht thinks that Victor is supposed to help Peter find his missing daughter, but she has no idea what’s in it for him. There’s got to be something. Valentin says he doesn’t know Victor, but knows his reputation. He doesn’t work for free; he always has an agenda. Drew says, Peter is racking up quite a debt. He wonders how Peter is going to pay it off.

Peter tells Victor, his father was an expert on mental conditioning, but he always installed at least two levels. Drew’s first level, which allowed Helena to control him, has already been disabled. Victor says, the second should be accessible through a simple key. Where’s the key? Peter says he hasn’t found it yet, and Victor says, after two years? He’s not looking hard enough. Peter says, it’s not like he can just open an instruction manual. It could be anything; a simple phrase, an image. Something his father would find easy to remember, but something no one else would think of as important. Victor says, if Peter’s father is the only one who knew the key, and he’s dead, why is he putting up with Peter?

Dante says Dallas told him about herself, so now he’ll tell her about himself. His name is Dante Falconari, and he’s a cop originally from Brooklyn. He roots for Notre Dame – go Irish. He introduces Sam and says he’s never asked her what college football team she roots for. She says she’s not really into college football. She’s more of a Giants fan. He says, wow. That means she has the strength of character to stay true in good times and in bad. Dallas asks if there’s a point here somewhere, and he says they have a close connection to the WSB, and he’s guessing she wouldn’t want them sniffing around her consulting business. It’s probably in her best interest to tell them what they want to know. Dallas says, which is what? and he asks if she’s ever done a job for David Henry Archer, aka Shiloh. She says, that bastard? Is he the reason for all this? Early on, they worked for the same defense contractor, but Arch was a field guy, basically a soldier; she did logistics. He always had a racket, some way to make money. She helped him out a couple times and took a cut of the profits, but she got a better gig, and they lost touch. Dante asks when she last heard from him, and she says, a couple years ago. He called her out of the blue. He had a job and was willing to pay generously. Dante asks, what was the job? and she says he hired her to fake a plane crash in the Gulf of Adan. He wanted it to look like a charter jet went down with no survivors.

Portia asks if Curtis has made any progress in the link between Jordan’s investigation and his. They sit at a table, and Curtis says, yes. Jordan wanted to interview Roger Barstow because he traveled to the US with Naomie Dreyfuss. Naomie Dreyfuss turned up dead in a hotel room a couple months back. She’s Hayden Barnes’s mother, so the theory is  that whoever tried to kill Hayden succeeded in killing Naomie. She says, but Curtis wanted to talk to Barstow about his time in Creighton-Clark; more specifically, Drew Cain’s time at Creighton-Clark. Curtis says he knows it’s a long shot, but he was hoping Barstow had some records that could lead them to where Drew is now. She says, so the million dollar question is, was Roger Barstow killed because of Naomie Dreyfuss or Drew Cain? He says, what if it’s both?

Sam asks if Dallas is saying there was no plane crash. It never happened. Dallas says, not as far as she knows, and Dante asks, how you fake a plane crash? Dallas says, it only works over deep waters. You get the make and model of the jet in question, and file a flight plan. The real jet follows the flight plan to a designated point, makes a distress call, turns off their beacons, and flies away. Meanwhile, a team dumps the wreckage of the same make and model of the jet in the ocean. Rescuers search the area, no bodies are recovered, and no one is looking for the real plane. Dante asks if she knows where the real flight landed, but she says, no idea. He asks if she knows who was on the plane, and she says, never asked; never wanted to know. He asks how much she was paid, and she says, two million, plus the cost of jet parts. He says, did she ever ask herself how Archer managed to pay it? and she says, he was just the go-between. Arch arranged the deal for a third party who could afford to pay.

Peter tells Victor, his father kept records, but not all in one place. His work took him all over the world; it’s a lot of ground to cover. Victor says he’s heard this before. It always sounded like an excuse; now it sounds like a stall. He opens the door, and Peter says he’d have more time to focus on the search if he knew his baby girl and her mother were safe and sound – with him. Victor says, so he’s expected to recover Peter’s baby with her mother, and return them to Peter. In exchange, Peter will keep looking for the key to Drew? It doesn’t sound like fair exchange to him. He’s not convinced Drew’s worth it. Peter says Victor has more than two years invested in the guy, not to mention all the personnel Drew took out trying to escape. Why give up when he’s so close to the payoff? Victor says, because Peter managed to lose his baby, and it’s going to cost him a lot of effort and influence to find her. Peter says, but Victor can find her.

Drew says, instead of focusing on what Victor is after, let’s stick to what we actually know. He asks what Valentin and Anna are doing in Crete, and Valentin wonders where he starts. The mother of Peter August’s daughter is Maxie Jones. Drew says, Obrecht told him all this. Peter hired a baby nurse, and replaced her with someone who works for him. That woman kidnapped the baby and handed her off to a third person, then died. Valentin says, that’s right; Peter’s nurse is dead. But amazingly, the nurse Maxie originally intended to hire is alive and in Crete. Drew says, Chloe Jennings? and Valentin asks how he knows that name. Drew says, because she was here too. They tried to break out together. They got as far as the parking lot, and he held off the guards so Chloe could make it to a car, and escape, but Russel, the guy Victor hired to run this place, was sure they’d track her, find her, and bring her back. Valentin says, Chloe was in a single car accident, and Drew asks if she was hurt. Valentin says, she was able to walk away, and got to a small village with a tavern – the same one where he was drinking. Then she passed out, but not before telling them her name, and that she was an American citizen. The locals contacted the authorities, and they took her to the American Consulate where she’s at the hospital. Drew asks, how is she? but Valentin doesn’t know. The last time he saw her, she was unconscious. Drew says he told her to go, and Valentin says, maybe she’s awake. The doctors said her condition wasn’t serious. Drew hopes so. Nothing in her life prepared Chloe for this place, but she handled it like a pro, and now she’s somewhere safe. Valentin asks how much Chloe knows, and Drew says, she only dealt with Russel. She doesn’t know anything about Victor and Peter. Valentin says, but she knows about Drew, doesn’t she?

Anna says she knows Robert doesn’t trust Valentin; she’s not asking him to. So if he would prefer their investigations to be separate, that’s fine by her. However, it does mean that when Chloe is able to answer their questions, she’ll take the lead. He asks if this means Valentin is going to sit in on these meetings. Neither of them are agents at the moment, and it occurs to him, if Valentin and Anna are working together, shouldn’t Valentin be there? Anna says, yeah. When Chloe turned up, she was in a little village… He says he read the report, and she says, she and Valentin went there to interview some of the locals. They had couple of drinks just to… smooth things over, and he stayed. He’s there still. Robert says, to interview potential witnesses. Or maybe he’s face down in an ashtray. That would be Robert’s choice. The guard says, Miss Jennings is awake.    

Anna shows Chloe her badge and says she’s a special agent with the WSB, and introduces Robert as agent emeritus. First, she wants to tell Chloe that she’s at the US Consulate medical facility. Chloe says, the nurse explained, and Anna says she’s notified the consul, and she’s on her way. She should be there shortly, so if Chloe wants to wait for her, that’s absolutely all right. Chloe asks if she’s in trouble, and Anna says, God no. They have reason to believe Chloe was abducted and transported there by an individual they’re currently investigating. She’s asking for Chloe’s help. Robert says they don’t expect Chloe to take them on faith; she can call the consul and have them checked out. Chloe says she’s from Port Charles, and they’re famous there. She’ll tell them everything she can.

Valentin says he knows Drew wants to talk facts, but he needs to speculate for a second. Drew says they’ve got nothing else to do, and Valentin says, hypothetically, Anna hasn’t been drugged. She circles back to Chloe and Chloe’s awake. She tells Anna that she was held captive there, but escaped thanks to Drew Cain. Now Anna knows Drew is alive and being held captive. If she hasn’t noticed that Valentin has disappeared already, she will soon. Drew says, and Valentin was in the same place Chloe showed up. Valentin says, that’s where she’ll start the search. The WSB will get involved, and get security camera footage, and satellite imagery. He doesn’t care how well-hidden Victor has this place, Anna will find them sooner rather than later. Drew asks if they sit and wait, but Valentin says, no. Peter’s not an idiot. He now knows the security of this place has been compromised. Drew says, so he’s got to move, and Valentin says, or cut his losses. Drew says, that’s just beautiful. He’s been held up there for two years, and now Victor or Peter are going to have to kill him to cover their ass. Valentin says, wait a minute. They’ve kept him alive this long; it’s possible Drew still has something one or both of them want. He may be the liability. Drew says, then one or both of them is about to die, and Valentin says, hypothetically. Drew says, then he needs something from Valentin.   

Dante and Sam go back to their room, and Sam makes a call. Dante asks who she’s calling, and she says, Anna, but you know what? She can’t call. She doesn’t even know what to say to Anna. They have no evidence. All they did was listen to a story. He asks if she doesn’t believe Dallas, and she says she wants to, but that’s the start of a good con; you tell the mark what they want to hear. He asks if she thinks Dallas made it up, and she says, it’s possible. He says, but why? There’s the beginning of a good police investigation – two things; who benefits and what’s the motive? Not Shiloh; he’s dead. Not Dallas; she’s already been paid. Sam says, maybe she was paid to distract them, and point them in a different direction, but he says, she didn’t point them in any direction. She didn’t know who was on the plane, she doesn’t know where the plane landed. All she said was that she dumped some plane parts in the Gulf of Adan. Which fits perfectly with the WSB’s thin file on the incident. Sam says, there was nothing to investigate because the crash never happened. It was Drew on that call. He’s been alive this whole time.

Victor says he did a deep dive into the woman Peter hired to replace Chloe Jennings. Another loose end he had to warehouse for Peter. Peter says, Victor let Chloe escape, and Victor says, Drew Cain made that possible, who he can’t fully control because Peter failed to provide him with the key. Peter says, it seems they’re going in circles with all of this, and Victor says, agreed. One thing they can do is decide if they just call it quits and go their separate ways, or do they make one final effort at a mutually beneficial arrangement? Peter says he wants his daughter back, and her mother with her. Make it happen, and he’ll get Victor the key. Victor says he’d better, and Peter says he’ll get back to work immediately.

Drew asks if Valentin is still living in Port Charles, and Valentin says he and his daughter are staying at the Quartermaines. Drew asks how that happened, but Valentin says, it’s a long story he’s not certain they have time for. What does Drew need from him? Drew says he was wondering if Valentin had seen his daughter, and Valentin says, Scout? Yes, quite a lot. She and Danny are inseparable, and have rooms at the Quartermaines. Drew asks what Scout is like, and Valentin says, she’s lovely. She’s bright, articulate, and inquisitive. She’s a tomboy who likes to climb trees, and loves to go exploring with Annabelle II. Drew loves that she has access to a dog, and Valentin says, his daughter Charlotte is taking ballet, so now Scout wants to take ballet too. A guard comes in, and tells Valentin, let’s go. Valentin is taken away by another two guards, and he tells Drew, get out of this alive. Find Peter and kill him. Drew says he’s way ahead of Valentin.

Curtis says, Creighton-Clark, where Roger Barstow worked, was a sketchy organization; basically a front for dirty ops in the WSB. Portia says, sounds ominous, and he says, the official story is that the place blew up, and everyone with ties to it is either dead or in prison. But the official story could be wrong. She says, that would mean the dirty ops are still running, and maybe Barstow was a part of it. Maybe Naomie was too, and they killed her to keep quiet, and killed Barstow for the same reason. He says, maybe, but there’s no way to prove it.

Sam tells Dante, finally they’re making progress. They know the plane crash was staged, and Peter caused it. He says, Dallas didn’t say anything about Peter, but Sam says, she did say there was a third party involved who was able to pay, and Peter already admitted causing Drew’s crash. He says, there’s something they’re missing; an element they haven’t seen. Peter couldn’t have done this on his own. He had help. She says, they don’t know who that person is, so can they not worry about that now, and focus on Peter? He says, Peter’s a fugitive. They have no idea where he sent Drew. He doesn’t know what their next step is. Sam says Drew can help them. He’s obviously fighting to come home. Dante asks if Sam has thought about what happens when he does.

Valentin is brought to Victor, who tells the guards to wait outside. They uncuff Valentin, and leave. Valentin says, Uncle Victor, alive and well, I see, and Victor says, he must admit he was anticipating a bigger reaction. Valentin says Victor can thank his cellmate for that, and Victor says he wasn’t sure how much Drew understood of his circumstances. Valentin says, Liesl Obrecht filled him in on the high points, including Victor’s involvement. Where is she, by the way? Victor says, she’s safe, and Valentin says, is she? His friend Peter hates her, and is the antithesis of self-restraint. Victor says, that’s why he brought Valentin there. He needs Valentin’s help.

Anna asks Chloe to start with the circumstances that led to her disappearance, and Chloe says she was on a job interview. An expectant mother needed a nurse for the final few weeks of her pregnancy, and to help out when the baby was born. Robert asks if she remembers the mother’s name, and Chloe says, Maxie Jones. She was supposed to go to Maxie’s apartment, but the baby’s father asked to meet her ahead of time. She’s used to anxious partners, so she agreed. Anna asks the father’s name, and Chloe says, Peter August. They met at the MetroCourt. He seemed nice enough; a little type A, but that’s not unusual for first time fathers. She answered his questions and left the interview. She remembers walking out of the hotel, turning on Van Nuys, and that’s it. The next thing she knew, she was in a cell. They didn’t tell her where or why. Anna asks, who’s they? and Chloe says, the guards, and Russell. Robert asks who Russell is, and she says, the man who runs the place. He knew she was a nurse, and said she might as well be useful. He had her give basic first aid to the guards, and eventually to the other prisoner. Anna says, there was another prisoner? and Chloe says, he helped her escape. He said he was a Navy SEAL and could hold off the guards. Anna asks his name, and she says, Drew Cain.  

Drew traces Scout’s name that he’s written on the wall. The door opens, and he says, you spineless bastard. Finally you show your face. It’s Peter.

Curtis asks if Portia would like another glass of wine, and she says, she’d like one, but she’d better not. She was getting carried away with all the espionage lingo and dirty ops. He says she had a good theory going; it made a lot of sense. She says, maybe she missed her calling. She puts her glass on the bar, and he says he thinks she’s great at her calling. She’s a gifted doctor, and helps people. It’s got to make her proud. Not to mention she raised a wonderful young woman. She says, no argument there. To be perfectly honest, part of the reason why she came there tonight is, she was avoiding going home. He imagines it’s probably lonely with Trina living in the dorms, and she says she spent eighteen years parenting Trina. Guiding her, shielding her, lecturing her at times. Now her job is to step back and let Trina find her own way, which she’s totally committed to doing, but it’s harder than she thought. He says, maybe he can help, and she asks if he has another case. He says, no more cases. He was thinking dinner, maybe at a club. He can check out the competition. She says she’d like that very much, and he says, let’s go.

Robert asks Chloe to tell him again how she escaped, and she says, it was Drew’s idea. He said she had to earn the guards’ trust. He’d stolen a pen from Russell. He was going to use it to pick the lock on his handcuffs. But instead, he told her to turn him in. So she did.  

Sam tells Dante, if he’s asking about Scout, she’s going to have to get to know her father all over again. If he’s asking about her, she realized she didn’t have a child with Drew. She had a child with a man she thought was Jason. Drew is a man who grew up in a state home, and after high school, went into the Navy and became a SEAL. She doesn’t know him. When they were together, he didn’t know himself. We see Anna is calling Dante, but he doesn’t notice or is just ignoring the phone. He says, three years ago, he wouldn’t have known what Sam was talking about, but after going through what he went through, he gets it. The way Dr. Kirk messed with his head… you get the feeling you have no sense of self. You don’t trust yourself for who you are anymore. That’s what’s terrifying. Sam stopping him from killing Peter was a turning point for him. Ever since, he’s been getting help from Doc, his mother, and her. She helped him find his way. There’s no going back, but he can find a way forward. Sam says, that’s what Drew is going to have to do. He’s going to have to figure out who he is now, and what he wants now. Dante says, he’s going to need help, and she says she’ll be there to help him, because he’s Scout’s dad. The Drew she thought she loved doesn’t exist. In fact, he never did.

Robert asks if the ruse worked, and Chloe says, they trusted her enough, so that the next time they brought her to Drew’s cell, she tricked one into coming in. Drew knocked him out, and took his keys. They made it outside the door. That’s when Drew sent her on alone, and went back to hold off the guards. He was so brave; they have to help him. Robert says they have to find him first, and Anna says, anything Chloe could tell them about the location of the compound would help.

Valentin says, the last time he saw Victor would have been on Cassadine Island before he was sent off to school. He must have been six. Victor says, but Valentin remembers him? and Valentin says, not really. Photographs, stories… He was the same one, the surviving brother, but not for long, not if he’s working with Peter. He’s not going to survive that. Peter will double-cross him. Victor says that’s why he needs Valentin’s help. Peter will kill them both unless they work together.

Chloe tells Robert and Anna, it’s by the ocean; that’s all she knows. Anna says Chloe may know more than she realizes. Take them through what she did, everything she remembers. Chloe says she got in the guard’s car, and floored it. She was sliding all over the road, but kept going fast as she could; she knew they’d be after her. She saw lights in the distance, and drove toward them. She missed a turn, and drove into a ditch. She must have hit her head and blacked out. When she came to, she walked toward the lights. There was a little town with a little bar. Some people were out front, and she told them her name. She said she was an American and needed help. Then she woke up there. Anna asks if Chloe has any idea how far the compound was from where she crashed, but Chloe says, it’s hard to say. Twenty miles? It was dark, and she was just trying to stay on the road. Robert says she’s been incredibly helpful, and very brave, and Chloe says she still doesn’t understand why this happened to her. Drew didn’t know either. Who’s their suspect? Anna says, he’s the last man she met in Port Charles – Peter August.   

Peter says he’d hate to have to shoot Drew, but he will. Drew says, shooting an unarmed man in handcuffs is definitely Peter’s style. Peter says he’s offended. Drew doesn’t want to thank Peter for keeping him alive all this time? Drew says, like Peter did with his brother? This is the same crap he pulled on Jason. Peter made the world think Jason was dead, but kept him on ice until he could use him. Peter says, there were some complications with Jason, but there won’t be with Drew. Drew says, screw him. He’s a Navy SEAL. Peter can’t force him to do anything. Peter says, wrong, and holds up The Tower tarot card. He says, you’re active… Soldier. Drew says, reporting for duty, and Peter puts the card in his pocket. Peter says, you have a new mission.

Tomorrow, Maxie tells Austin that she’s not the only one who could use protection; Victor says, Peter is the guilty party, not him; Valentin wants to know how Anna is being protected; and someone shoots at Robert and Anna.

Vanderpump Rules

Schwartz did some kind of Soul Cycle rip-off class with Brock, and In Brock’s interview, he said if there was a physical training thing you’ve heard of, he’s tried it. In Schwartz’s  interview, he said Brock looked like something out of Greek mythology. Schwartz felt that he got screwed, and theorized on the perfect thigh-to-junk ratio, since it had been on his mind for a long time. He came up with 1 to 1.618 being the perfect ratio, and said it was difficult to grasp, but luckily he went to Florida State. Apparently, he also has too much time on his hands. Tom Sandoval whined to Brock that Katie had been out of line, arguing with him over the new restaurant name. In Brock’s interview, he said Schwartz and Sandy’s was trash. Personally, work on it. I like it. He’s a man who gets to the point. He said Tom had to respect Katie as his business partner’s wife, and Tom got super emotional, saying it was really about what he and Schwartz had done together. He had the feels because LVP had been inspired by that, and made them partners in TomTom. Sandoval said he wasn’t having somebody who did nothing but build Legos during quarantine tell him that he was uninspired. I dunno. Building stuff with Legos can definitely be inspired. In Schwartz’s interview, he said it was really him who said the name was uninspired, and we saw a clip backing that up. God forbid he should actually communicate this to Tom. And please feel free to drink when you hear the word inspired.

LVP met Ariana for lunch, not at one of her restaurants. In Ariana’s interview, she said when she was working at SUR, she never knew she and Lisa would have a relationship where they were Having lunch together. Lisa understood Ariana’s struggles with mental health, depression, and anxiety because she’d been there. Lisa asked about the new business, and Ariana said Tom was excited about Lisa being supportive. They discussed Katie wanting to be involved, and Ariana said she thought Katie having a strong opinion stressed the Toms out. And by that, she meant Tom Sandoval. She told Lisa that she and Sandoval had taken out a home equity loan, but it was only against Tom’s half of the equity. 😯 In Ariana’s interview, she said if anything happened, Tom would be financially responsible, and her financial responsibilities would remain intact. Um… In Lisa’s interview, she said it didn’t work like that. If the loan is in default, the bank doesn’t take half a house. Thank you, Lisa. Ariana told Lisa about Scheana and Lala falling out, and how Lala ripped Ariana to shreds in her podcast (slight exaggeration). She didn’t know who Lala was sometimes. Ariana wondered where this was coming from. Lisa asked if they weren’t going on a trip, but Ariana said, it’ll be fine. I doubt it will be anything even close to fine. Even on a good day, these trips are never fine.

James paid a visit to Sandoval, and spilled that he was going to ask Raquel to marry him. In James’s interview, he said Tom was amazing, helping him plan the proposal. The way Tom described the proposal scene, it sounded like he was bringing in a circus – literally. In his interview, James said that Raquel cherished her memories of Coachella. It hadn’t happened in the last two years, so he asked himself, what was the most romantic place in the world? The rave tent at Coachella. James told Tom that he did a manly hike with Raquel’s dad, and had asked for his blessing. Her father said he could throw James in a ditch right there, and then told him, welcome to the family, but it wasn’t a yes. In his interview, James said his family loved Raquel, but for him, it was like Mission Impossible. Call him Tom-effing-Cruise. Tom (not Cruise) said Raquel was going to lose it.

Everyone packed for Palm Springs, and in Lala’s interview, she said, before she had Ocean, her suitcase was filled with booty shorts and crop tops. Now, it was half mom jeans, and half Ocean’s stuff and her breast pump. She was freaked, waiting to see if she’d be on the New York Times Best Seller List. She’d been aggressive about it, even signing books when no one asked her to. She got all weepy, and I thought, geez, I’d be glad to just get something published. Randall said if she let the list take away her accomplishment, she was cheating herself. She told Randall that she looked at things mostly in black and white; she wasn’t good with grey. She and Ariana were in the grey, and having a kid at home was the only thing that had stopped her from drowning Ariana in her own pond. Randall said he was scared, and I didn’t blame him.  

The Toms went to Villa Rosa – Puffy! – and while Schwartz filled a watering jug for Lisa, Tom said he was going to violate James’s trust. He told her that James was proposing, and in Lisa’s interview, she said she was happy for them, but also worried. Raquel deserved the best, and she hoped James could be the person he wanted to be. Schwartz returned with the water, and said, if reincarnation was a thing, he wanted to come back as a turtle at Villa Rosa. Tom said he wanted to come back as a pony, and Schwartz asked if that was because Lisa could ride him. She told Schwartz that was too easy, and I had to agree. She asked about the Toms’ wives involvement in the new restaurant, and Tom wailed about Katie saying the name was uninspired. In Lisa’s interview, she said she was passionate about names –Villa Blanca, PUMP, TomTom – Schwartz and Sandy’s, eh, not so much. Schwartz asked if Lisa didn’t like it, and finally admitted the uninspired comment came from him. The words had rubbed him the wrong way, and he’d asked Katie to plant a seed of doubt. In Tom’s interview, he said he wasn’t stoked that Schwartz had been sneaky and shady about wanting him to change the name, but instead of Katie, he should have had Lisa come to him. Someone he respected. Lisa asked why Schwartz was such a p*ssy.

Schwarz told Katie that he was glad she wanted to be involved, but her conversation with Tom hadn’t gone well. In Katie’s interview, she said, Schwartz wanted her to put doubt in Tom’s mind, and now he wants her to apologize. She was pretty sure Schwartz said, til death do us part to her, not Sandoval. Everyone headed to Palm Springs, including Charli, but Scheana and Brock were going to be late. I wasn’t paying attention, so I don’t know if they rented a house, or it was an Airbnb, or what, but it was big and impressive. They gathered in the kitchen, and Ariana said Scheana and Brock were coming with Lala and Randall, who had a house down the road. Lala found out she didn’t make the NYT list, and in her interview, she said she’d put her heart and soul into the book. She didn’t know why she was so emotional. She was proud of the book, and it had been a dream come true for her to be a published author, but not making the list made her feel extremely rejected. Randall told her he’d gotten a cake that was going to say congratulations, but had second thoughts, and told them to change it. I was surprised she didn’t say it was his fault.

Charli brough along a synthetic head she’d used during her time at esthetician school. She’d named it Buffy, and I thought it was creepy AF. James announced that there would be a pickleball tournament tomorrow, and in Ariana’s interview, she informed us that pickleball combined the elements of badminton, table tennis and tennis. She said it sounded like it was for old people, which seemed judgy and probably not true, since it involves running around after a ball. Tom added that the following day they were having a mini Coachella. Lala and Ariana’s altercation was brought up, and in Charli’s interview, she said she’d known gangsters, and Lala wasn’t one of them. Sandoval told everyone that tonight, they were having an off-the-runway show, and they all dressed up in decidedly weird ways. Brock and Scheana arrived with Lala and Randall. Lala was super bummed that she wasn’t on the list, but still proud. In Scheana’s interview, she said Brock was a Jack-of-all-trades. He cooked, cleaned, baked, and sewed. Where can I get one of these? She said she didn’t know if he could hang a TV in under seven minutes, but he would try. They put on the fashion show, which culminated with Schwartz jumping in the pool. In Katie’s interview, she said only Sandoval would think up a contest focused on what he excelled at, be the host, the only judge, and also a contestant. When he won, she said, shocker.   

Katie asked Lala what was up with her and Ariana. She thought they were coming from two different places, and in Katie’s interview, she said they were both right, because they both felt a certain way, but they were also both wrong, to be angry because of how the other one felt. Randall said Schwartz did the Schwartz Shuffle whenever he asked about the new bar. Schwartz said it was complicated, and in his interview, when a producer asked what the concept of the bar was, all Schwartz did was laugh. I’m not sure what that means, but Randall said he’d never bring Schwartz to a meeting. In her interview, Katie said she wished Schwartz would be more assertive, and have more confidence when talking about something he’s passionate about. Ariana asked if James was ever going to DJ at SUR again, but he said he’d had a slip-up, and his anger got the best of him. He’d disrespected Lisa’s son. We flashed back to that, and James said, it was a test, and he failed. He had to learn from it. In a dual interview, James said, he never wanted to be that guy in the couple who drags the other down, and Raquel said what he did reflected on her. Schwartz said James had made leaps and bounds, and Sandoval said they’d all done something like that. Lala said everyone was telling James, it’s okay, this happens, but she didn’t get the same treatment. She came for Raquel two years ago, and even her friends told her to muzzle herself, and get back in her cage. The way Ariana acted at Scheana’s birthday was horrible, then Charli said, she was just hurt. Charli told Lala that she was allowed to say what she wanted to. Lala was like, stay out of it, bitch, and Charli said, don’t call her a bitch.

Lala and Charli got into it, and Charli said she’d been nothing but nice. Lala said she’d never been mean to Charli, but Charli begged to differ. She’d picked on Charli about what she ate. In Charli’s interview, she said she’d had issues with food since she was a girl. For someone who just said they knew gangsters, she got all emotional and weepy, and said she hadn’t come there to tell them that childhood trauma was the reason she didn’t eat things. In her interview, she said she was forced to eat certain things, and if she didn’t, punishment was involved. Other kids might get no desert, but her punishment was more intense, and not easy to deal with as a little girl. Lala had made comments that weren’t nice; everyone did. She told them that they were all a-holes, and in Charli’s interview, she said, when people bothered her about her food choices, she went back to being a four-year-old, anxious and defeated, who couldn’t control the circumstances.

Scheana took Charli inside, and Brock told Lala that he thought they should talk about it. Lala went in, and told Charli that she wasn’t a mind reader, and Charli said, instead, Lala made assumptions. Understand where it’s coming from, instead of just saying she’s a dumb bitch. Lala said the word bitch just flew out of her mouth like she was ordering Perrier, and in her interview, she said it was like an addiction. We saw 5000 different clips of her saying bitch, and she said it was all in how you delivered it. Lala told Charli, if Charli had an opinion she didn’t like, she might come at her. Charli said that wasn’t fair, and she thought they could relate more than disrelated [sic], which I don’t think is a real word. Charli said she was giving Lala a hug, even though she wasn’t a hugger, and Lala said she was a huge hugger. How was this friendship ever going to work?

Next time, pickleball, Brock talks about his ex-wife and kids, Ourchella happens, and Raquel wonders how James isn’t embarrassed by her. Yes, you read that right.

🔐 Escaping My Cell…

I have an early day, but join me tomorrow for a little soap, topped off with the latest in Erika Jayne news. Or as Bravo likes to call it, RHOBH. Until then, stay safe, stay stopping to smell the roses, and stay having confidence in what your passionate about. Don’t be a Schwartz.