Tag Archives: The Real Housewives of Atlanta

Dec28

December 27, 2015 –Atlanta Wives & Vegas Aftermath in L.A.

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What I Watched Today

(random, rambling thoughts on today’s TV)

 

The Real Housewives of Atlanta

Worst. Taglines. Ever. Aside from Kandi and Kim.

Cynthia gets flowers from Peter. Ho-hum. I am glad to hear her say  sweet notes and flowers aren’t going to make her forget about their problems though.

Kandi goes to see producer, Roger Bobb (whose name we haven’t heard for a while). Kandi has made a single with friend Demetria, and Roger wants to do a video. Kandi’s assistant (DonJuan) and Roger act like it’s unheard of that a pregnant woman should be working.

One of Apollo’s friends is checking in on the boys, bringing them some guy stuff. When the boys go off to play, the friend asks how things are going. Phaedra says Aidan knows what’s going on and how to contact his father. Apollo has apparently been saying that he has no contact with the kids. The friend says Apollo is remorseful that things didn’t work out. Phaedra is like, hindsight is 20/20, and says they need to just focus on being good parents. Why is there even any pretense? She was done with that guy before he left for prison.

Kandi says it’s been a while since she’s done a video and is having a hard time letting people tell her what to do. Todd shows up on a hoverboard. Look out! I heard those things catch fire spontaneously. Kandi says it’s a lot of work to conceal the pregnancy. Porsha and Phaedra stop by to lend support. And get more camera time.

Kenya and Marlo are working out. Kenya says as a workout partner, Marlo is good at looking pretty and being funny. Her friend, Matt, also shows up. She says there’s been some flirtation but there’s a large age gap. They make plans to get together anyway and I see no reason why not. He’s good looking and seems cool. Ooh, he’s younger than her. I thought it was the other way around. She says she doesn’t mind someone younger, but they have to be old enough “to enjoy this ride.” Not sure what she means by that, but I understand her reluctance. I wasn’t interested in the young ones when I was young.

Kandi says she appreciates DonJuan’s protectiveness, but all right already. They have Kandi in amazing jeweled boots and a flowing poncho and it actually seems to hide that she’s pregnant when the wind machine is going. She says she forgot how hard it was to sing and dance at the same time, and to be having a baby along with it makes it even more difficult. Well, yeah.

Cynthia and Peter are having a romantic lunch by the water. Cynthia says that they used to do a lot together, like taking long drives and just talking, but since they’ve gotten so busy with various projects, they barely see one another. Peter toasts to better days while a local artist sketches their portrait.

Matt and Kenya decide to play basketball for their first date. Kenya wins, but I’m not sure how much he let her win. Kenya says that Matt is sweet, and she’s not saying no to a second date, but she’s reluctant. I think she’s saying he’s too nice for her and I kind of get that, but I also think she should give him a chance. I’m not suggesting she give him a chance to be mean, but to show that he’s multi-dimensional.

Aidan is starting kindergarten. Phaedra says Apollo’s incarceration doesn’t only affect him, but affects the whole family. Aidan is so cute and Phaedra gets teary-eyed about him saying he wants to be with her always. It reminds me of the time I was babysitting a four-year-old boy. We were watching Tarzan and he asked if I would go off in the jungle with him on a motorcycle. (Today, he’s in college and just got into trouble for buying a motorcycle without mom’s permission. At least he’s consistent with something.) We flash back to some  of Aidan’s cutest moments over the past five years. Phaedra tells him that he and Dillon will always be her little babies. They say a prayer thanking God for the day and to make Aiden strong and courageous for the day. Phaedra is having a hard time controlling her emotions.

Porsha is having Facetime or whatever with Oliver. Man, I just don’t like her. She’s like, oh no, all you can see my boobs from this angle – tee-hee-hee. Gag. She asks him if he’s ever had a Black girlfriend before and he hasn’t. She talks about working out and says she’s lost 7 pounds. He says he hopes it’s not from her butt. We flash back to her twerking in a thong the night she met him in Miami. (Ugh!) She asks if he’s ready for a relationship and the connection starts to break up. Ha-ha! What? I can’t hear you!

Kim is giving herself a manicure. She says she’s going out on a school night and is for real grown now.

I guess they’re all going to Kandi’s video release because Kandi is looking for something to wear. Todd jokes that he told Phaedra to bring a check. Kandi says don’t bring it up tonight and to be cordial.

No offense to Kim, but Kenya says that she looks like a confused prostitute from DisneyWorld and I tend to agree. She has on some sparkly black swing top with leather hotpants and thigh-high boots. It’s not that she can’t rock them, but um…her outfit really stands out. Peter tells Todd he can’t believe Phaedra hasn’t paid him yet. I can. I’ve been waiting three years for some money that my husband talked me into lending some acquaintances who turned out to be real jerks. Wish me luck. I’m hoping to get on People’s Court.

Kandi makes a speech about the video. Everyone is thanked for coming and the video gets its premiere. Kandi says everyone seems to like it and she thinks it will be a hit. And I guess Kandi ought to know since she’s had a few. Porsha makes some comments that I ignore because she knows nothing about anything.

Phaedra acts like she’s the big person and tells Todd they need to talk at some point. She then talks smack about him to Porsha and some other chick outside. She acts like just because she never released the video, she doesn’t owe him the money. She keeps talking about how Todd got paid for production, but she still owes him a balance. Because you know, if I buy a car and don’t drive it, I don’t have to make the payments any more. Idiots. They start talking about how the friendship between Phaedra and Kandi got messed up, and Porsha puts in some kind of two cents about how it must be Todd’s fault. DonJuan hears them and pops in out of nowhere.

DonJuan says he thinks a lot more than money broke up the friendship. Porsha says he shouldn’t be sticking his nose in. DonJuan tells them that they shouldn’t be gossiping outside of the event when Kandi was nice enough to invite them. He does a perfect impression of these nasty witches, even though they try to deny what they were doing. The group breaks up and DonJuan throws shade at them as they leave. Phaedra says she owes him no explanations because she doesn’t fraternize with her friends’ workers. Okay, Miss Daisy.

Hmm… No Sheree this week?

Next week, DonJuan lets fly to Kandi about Phaedra’s smack talk and Kenya meets with her father.

Vanderpump Rules

It’s the morning after the night before in Las Vegas. Tom has a beer in his hand already. I drank a few days ago and can’t even look at it. Tom and Schwartz got tattoos – Tom’s got an “A” made out of bacon and Schwartz got “Bubba,” both on their rear ends. Huh? I have nothing against tattoos, but…why? I guess I can see Tom’s A for Ariana, but in bacon? And is Katie’s nickname Bubba?

The girls are getting ready for another night at SUR. Katie says the guys will be chasing the clock, coming to SUR straight from Vegas, and Ariana says they’re going to be smelly and tired. Ariana is going to do some show where she and Tom are going to read from old diaries. This actually sounds kind of cool.

The guys are trying to get it together in the car. Ha-ha! Just wait until you’re older and those hangovers last for-ev-er. Lisa calls to see if they’re on their way and Jax says she’s not going to like the way they smell. Lisa meets them at the door and the Toms show her their tattoos. She says they always take stupidity to a whole new level and I concur.

Ariana shakes Tom down for Vegas winnings. Katie can’t believe Schwartz got Bubba tattooed on his ass. I’m hoping this is some kind of joke between them. She says she thinks she likes it, but she hopes he never goes to prison. Ariana asks if Tom and Schwarta got married too. Ha-ha! Ariana, who is not into tattoos, isn’t impressed.

Scheana says out of all the terrible decisions they could have made, getting tattoos is the best of them. Good point. Jax says that Britney is coming to live with him and he can’t escape the girlfriend question anymore. He adds that Kristen is the only single one now. He wants to plan a dual birthday trip with Tom and ask Kristen to join them. Scheana says Kristen is a lot of fun, but they agree to keep it on the down low for now. Kristen is batsh*t crazy and Scheana is delusional.

Tom’s mother is coming for a visit and Ariana puts her bong in the closet. Ariana’s bong, not Tom’s mom’s bong. They have dinner at SUR (where else?) and Terri (Tom’s mother) talks about the first time Tom was in a talent show, with all the other entrants being girls, and won first place. Tom says he takes after his mother. He introduces her to Lisa. Terri is a firefighter and Tom says that’s where he gets his tough side. Tom talks about Terri getting locked out of the house and says it was like Jurassic Park when she kicked down the door. Ariana tells Terri he also brought home a souvenir from Vegas and he confesses about his tattoo.

Kristen is out for drinks with Jax to ask him for dating advice. She claims not to be a crazy bitch any more, but this remains to be seen. She says she has legit things to talk to Ariana about and she already sounds kind of manic. She says she’s been in therapy for a whole 9 months and she’s’ all better now. I’m thinking she needs a few more years on that couch. Maybe forever.

Kristen says she’s been dating broke musicians and is ready for something new. She and Jax mingle in between shots. Kristen kisses some guy and Jax makes a “woo!” sound, but I didn’t think it was a “woo!” moment at all.

Lisa calls Katie “Bubba,” so it must be a joke between her and Schwartz. Ariana says at least he’s making a commitment. Lisa asks if she’d rather have a tattoo on the ass or a ring on string, and she says the tattoo, so Lisa says there’s been progress.

Lala asks James how he’s doing. Apparently they’ve been making out here and there, but they haven’t “sealed the deal.” It sounds like Lala just wants to be friends with make out benefits. James asks her to stop hanging out with Jax, but she says she’ll hang out with who she wants to. James tells her about the Tom tattoos and she tells him about the girls’ slumber party and make out session. She says when she has tequila, she’ll make out with anyone and that Scheana is the best kisser. James suggests the go out for Margaritas.

Katie is on a break, and she and Kristen are chatting. Katie says she’s okay with Kristen now. Kristen says she’d like to apologize to Ariana and SUR is the only place she knows she’ll see her. Kristen says she doesn’t expect them to be friends, but she hangs out with Ariana’s friends so it might make things less awkward.

Kristen goes into SUR and asks Ariana for a drink. Ariana says she doesn’t feel comfortable serving Kristen alcohol. Kristen apologizes and says she was immature and selfish. Ariana says it doesn’t excuse anything. They go back and forth, and in the end Kristen says her actions will speak louder than her words. She says she doesn’t expect to be friends with Ariana. Ariana says her friends are intelligent, wonderful and funny and Kristen is none of those things. She says she doesn’t trust Kristen and would like her to keep her distance. Kristen apologizes again and leaves. In her individual interview, Ariana says Kristen is not that smart, but she’s calculating and Ariana doesn’t trust her in the least. I feel the same way.

Tom says Ariana reminds him of his mom since they’re both straight-up, no bs people. Ariana says she wishes they could hang out some more, but Terri says she’ll come back again. Ariana talks about the diary show she and Tom are doing, and we flash back to some old pictures of Tom doing modeling. Terri asks to see Tom’s tattoo. Everyone hates it, including Tom. Terri says how good Ariana and Tom are together. Tom says Kristen had been his biggest hater even though she was his girlfriend. Ariana tells them about Kristen’s apology and Terri says it’s been good of them to take the high road.

Schwartz goes to a modeling gig, which he says is better than bartending. I’ll take his word for it, since I’ve done neither. Schwartz is a little flabby, so he suggests they spray some abs on him. I guess he’s good at this. I really don’t know. Katie comes to the shoot and sits with Tom while he’s on break. Katie talks about Jax’s upcoming party and says she’s been getting along with Kristen and would like to see her invited. She talks about Tom and Ariana acting like Stassi in regard to Kristen, but I don’t see how you can compare the two.

Tom and Ariana go to the diary show. I didn’t realize it was on stage. Tom jokes that his readings will be like the Dead Sea Scrolls, affecting the world years from now when they’re discovered. This reminds me of the way off Broadway stuff I did when I was first in NYC.  Ariana starts to read and some of it is pretty funny. Jax doesn’t get it. No surprise there. I don’t think his IQ is incredibly high. When it’s Tom’s turn, he says he didn’t keep a diary, but brings a journal of old song lyrics he wrote. This is actually a pretty good idea and I could see being involved with this. Except for this part. Tom shows everyone his tattoo.

Al l the peeps have shown up for support. Afterwards, they’re hanging out at the bar. Lala is talking to Jax and James comes in, giving her a million kisses. James brings her a drink. There’s a bunch of stupid stuff between the three of them that isn’t even worth typing.

They all go to someone’s apartment and eat pizza. Tom talks about the joint birthday party he and Jax want to throw. Jax says something about inviting Kristen and Tom practically freaks just thinking about it. Someone mentions that enough time has passed, but Ariana says that’s no one else’s call. Truth. Katie calls Tom “Stassi,” but that’s not fair. Stassu was an a-hole who tried to dictate who Katie’s friends were. And she did have a point with Kristen, who slept with Jax (Stassi’s then boyfriend) and lied about it, all the while pretending to be Stassi’s best friend. Tom wonders why he’s being questioned when Kristen is an emotional and mental liability. Katie seems to think he should be over it.

Tom gets loud and everyone calls him a nut.

Next time, Britney arrives and Schwartz gets a ring for Katie.

Hope everyone’s Christmas wishes came true! Ho-ho-ho!

Dec21

December 20, 2015 — Lonely Atlanta

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What I Watched Today

(random, rambling thoughts on today’s TV)

 

No Once Upon A Time tonight due to The Sound of Music singalong version of the film. I shudder at the thought of this and I like The Sound of Music. Oh the irony of the movie title in this case. No Walking Dead either; another Into the Badlands marathon. And speaking of marathons, I hope those of you who get the Chiller channel have been enjoying Z Nation this weekend.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta

The ladies invite Glen, Jaron and Oliver back to the ranch rental place. While they’re on the boat, Porsha gets the bright idea to play “Never Have I Ever” which sounds like a game she just made up so they can have sex talk with strangers. Never have I ever heard of it before. Cynthia says she’s learned her lesson about drinking on boats and is going to quit while she’s ahead. In her individual interview, Kandi says something about Porsha having thrown her boyfriend Duke a big party five minutes ago, and now she’s inviting dudes back to the house.

They hang out at the pool. Glen says something to Kandi about having attitude. I have no idea what he’s talking about and Kandi is obviously pregnant, so keep it to yourself. Porsha has on a barely there bikini and is shaking her booty and twerking all over the place. She has her eye on Oliver. She tells him how she doesn’t need a man for support and I laugh since her quick move on to the next guy is because Duke hasn’t paid enough attention to her lately since he’s on the road.

Glen is a bit of a d-bag. Kenya puts it out there, saying he’s erratic and crazy. His aunt, Tammy, is pretty drunk, and Kenya asks her to have him leave, but she doesn’t seem capable of that. Porsha, who started this whole thing, says she sees it’s getting messy, so she’s going to escort Oliver out and call it a night. Nice.

Kenya tells Glen he’s being weird and is making people uncomfortable so he has to leave. He advances on her and security comes out. When Tammy tries to talk to him, he knocks her to the floor. Geez, what up wit dat? Security takes Glen down. I mean they wrestle him down; they didn’t shoot him or anything.

Tammy comes to and asks where Glen is. Cynthia feels badly because she brought Tammy on the trip. Kenya says only the person behaving badly is responsible for their own behavior. The police escort Glen out and Tammy goes to the hospital. Somehow this all becomes Kenya’s fault with Porsha, Sheree and Phaedra. They claim the reason Kenya wanted Glen to leave was because he wasn’t interested in her. Sheree says she added fuel to the fire, and Kim says that if you shake a hornet’s nest, hornets are going to attack you, but this is a guy, not an insect nest. I don’t see as Kenya did anything wrong. She was being a little silly at first, but she had every reason to want those guys gone. They were getting drunk, unpredictable and insulting.

Kim’s had enough and decides to go to a hotel. When the girls start picking on Kenya, Kandi sticks up for her saying that Glen was weirding her out. When Kandi talks to Todd on the phone, he isn’t happy that she put herself in that position. She tells Kenya that Tammy came back to the house later and she can’t believe Kenya slept through it. Kenya says Tammy must have jumped the gate, and it’s like something out of a horror movie. “Girl, this is not Children of the Corn Rows,” she adds.

Someone has this reappearance filmed on their phone. Tammy comes to the door in a robe and hospital socks. Security ended up taking her to a hotel because they didn’t want the guys back on the property. In her individual interview, Cynthia objects to the video, but when she sees it, she’s laughing along with everyone else. Kandi goes home and Kenya says pretty soon it’s going to be just her and Porsha there.

Phaedra is still blaming Kenya for that idiot Glen. Sheree says that it’s wrong to label people and she and Phaedra get in a conversation about labeling African American men as aggressive and how this can make people afraid and unnecessary deaths happen. They say that the men are already an endangered species and Kenya was like any white suburbanite acting afraid. Huh?  That sure sounds like a label to me. And I don’t even know how they got there from this incident because Glen was wrong and deserved to get kicked out.

Cynthia calls Tammy and asks how things at the hospital went. She has a concussion, but other than that she’s peachy keen. Phaedra invites her for dinner. I’m assuming sans Glen.

Porsha has rented a couple of mini Hummers for the girls to get around the city. They look something like golf carts without roofs.

Kim is back home where she belongs and is strolling in the park with her husband and kids. For someone who works in show business, she certainly can’t handle much outside of the house. Husband Chris (who is really quite funny) talks about not liking her being in a dangerous environment. Kim says Kenya tried to stir the pot again, and wonders if she’s going to be removed next. Not too much overreaction and paranoia. Kim says Kenya wanted to work with her, but she’s not so sure she wants to now and that she’s starting to like Kenya’s friends more than Kenya. What is wrong with these women? Did they see the same thing I did?

Porsha has a date with Oliver and Phaedra suggests she spray fragrance around her private area. I don’t suggest that anyone do this.

Cynthia says ever since she brought up her marriage issues with Peter, that’s all anyone wants to talk about. She calls Peter and says she’ll be home tomorrow and they can go out to dinner. Zzzzz…

Oliver and Porsha go to a fancy restaurant. There’s some flirtatious talk, but when Oliver moves in for a kiss, Porsha acts like she’s never heard of it. She does give him a kiss at the end of the meal for dessert. I don’t get her roll, but Oliver seems to like it. Everyone is sleeping when she gets home, so she wakes them up. She says the date was amazing and Oliver likes to talk. Cynthia says their own evening of cooking at home was blessedly uneventful.

Phaedra says if they could forget about almost everything, it was a great trip.

Todd’s daughter, Kaela, has moved back to Atlanta and Todd teases her about having a boyfriend that she’s been “making googly eyes at” on Instagram. Kandi tells Todd about the trip and says the communication between her and Phaedra seems better. She says that Phaedra has a split personality – one prim and proper, and one that has a good time – and she picked the latter to stick with on the trip.

Kim and Kenya go out to lunch. Kim says Kenya should be proud because she’s done a girl’s night out and a trip with them. Kenya says it was only a half trip to Miami though. Kenya thinks Kim really just wanted to get home to her family, but Kim continues to blame Kenya for the situation with Glen, saying that she was manufacturing drama. Did Kim have blinders on? It wasn’t like Kenya forced him to be an aggressive moron. Kim says that she didn’t want to take part in Kenya provoking someone. We flash back to Glen acting like an a-hole. Kenya says he was acting in a threatening way and that Kim wasn’t in the Jacuzzi with them. She says that she could see that if he kept drinking, it would have escalated. Kim says maybe that’s her truth, but at the end o the day she didn’t feel safe. Kenya says she appreciates the honesty. Kim says as long as there’s mutual respect and they can agree to disagree “like grown folk,” she’s okay with that.

Next week, Mr. President starts kindergarten and Phaedra is called out for her workout video that wasn’t.

Dec14

December 13, 2015 — Ash, Andy & Atlanta

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What I Watched Today

(random, rambling thoughts on today’s TV)

 

For the next couple of weeks, much of the regular programming will be trumped by holiday cheer. Like the annual showing of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, where poor Rudolph gets abused by mean Santa. Tonight, Once Upon a Time was eclipsed by a special on the original Disney animated classic, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and The Walking Dead was replaced by an Into the Badlands marathon, another show well worth watching.

So I was left with a couple of bits and pieces and the usual nonsense from Atlanta.

 Ash Vs. Evil Dead

Now that Bruce Campbell has finally succumbed to the will of the fans, he has realized that he is Ash and will be forever more. Gory slapstick mixed with the shaky camera we’ve all come to know and love, this show will never win an Emmy, but as Bill Murray once so beautifully put it, it just doesn’t matter. Starz has thrown us a gruesome bone in the wasteland that is weekend programming, and I’m grateful.

Then & Now with Andy Cohen

If you can catch this show, do. I love the retrospectives. One of my favorite parts of New Year’s Eve is always what I’ve christened, the roll call of the celebrity dead. I also enjoy any trip down Memory Lane involving a year or decade I remember. Andy Cohen is a good choice to host one of these programs because he’s a lover of pop culture who has made himself part of pop culture.

This particular show is about 1994, “the year pop culture pushed back.” That actually sounds like a nonsense statement, and I at first I wondered what was so special about 1994. Actually, a lot. It’s the year that gave us Tonya and Nancy, OJ’s slow speed chase, the suicide of Kurt Cobain, and so much more.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta

Phaedra, Porsha and a wannabe are going shopping. Porsha talks about working on a Miami trip for the ladies with Kenya. Meanwhile, Sheree, Kandi and Kenya are exploring the still unfinished “Moore Manor,” Kenya tells Kandi it’s a Cynthia re-do, since the boat trip went so horribly wrong. Kim is coming along, which is surprising, for the same reason.

Another Wife Wannabe, Tammy, is joining them on the trip. Kenya uses her phone cam when they board the plane, and we get to see them trying to cram things into the overhead that won’t fit unless Willy Wonka comes by with his shrinking machine.

After the fastest flight in history, they take a limo to the house Kenya rented. Estate really. They’ve decided that since Kandi is pregnant, she can have the master bedroom. Surprisingly thoughtful of them. The house has an infinity pool that I would be spending all my time in. Porsha’s wannabe friend, Shemia (who Kenya keeps calling things like “Shimmy Shimmy Koko Bop” and “Sheneneh”), has met them at the house. Lots of wannabes in this episode. There are two living rooms, and Kim decides she’s sleeping in one of them. I’ll bet the TV has a lot to do with that decision. The others are like, why would you want to sleep in the living room? but hey, it’s her vacation too. And I’m guessing, like me, she hasn’t had one since 1987, so let her set up camp in the living room if she wants to.

I have no doubt that, as usual, this gorgeous luxury spot will be wasted on this bunch.

Tammy sits down to talk to Kim in her living room space, while Kenya entertain the others with imitations of Kim. Apparently, Tammy is an acquired taste, but Cynthia says she’ll take quirky and weird over mean nasty and shade throwing any day. Kenya says that Tammy (who’s friends with Sheree’s ex-husband) intimated that Sheree was a gold-digger. Sheree seems to think she also slept with him.

The ladies gather for dinner at a fancy restaurant where they have a private back room. The servers start bringing weird things to the table, like a Viking helmet for Kenya to wear, a toaster and what looks like fondue. Kim makes an announcement that she might not make it through the whole trip because she might get homesick. Huh? In her individual interview Kim says she’s out of her element and needs to rise above her feelings. What?

Cynthia says Neanderthal Peter is making an effort to win her back. They’re talking about their significant others and Tammy says she’s been married 13 years and everything is still great. Sheree makes noises about being unhappy with her presence. Tammy says yes, she’s friends with Bob (the ex), and she feels he was treated unfairly during the divorce as far as seeing his kids went. Sheree asks if she slept with Bob. Tammy is like, are you joking? She says she’s not even attracted to him. Sheree says Bob told her differently and Tammy says that’s news to her. Sheree says she was told Tammy didn’t like her and had told Bob not to marry her. Kim can’t believe “grown ass women” are talking like this. Get used to it if you’re going to be on this show. Kim says there’s a difference between information and instigation. Kenya says sometimes people just need to clear the air of old stuff.

Porsha has set up another boat trip. Really? Kim and Phaedra are talking and Kim says it’s hard to tell if Kenya is being genuine or not, and that people can air their grievances without being messy. Kenya doesn’t understand why Kim is sticking her nose into it.

Kim breaks down at lunch because she’s homesick. She says that everyone is having a good time, but all she’s thinking about is she’d rather be sharing it with her husband. That’s a really nice thought, but she seems to be getting weird about it, like a kid who’s away at camp for the first time. She starts to cry about how she’s lost herself and she can’t find herself here. I hate to tell her, but it’s highly doubtful you’d be finding much of anything on a long weekend in Miami except a Margarita.

Whoa. She’s weeping and wailing to Phaedra outside, while the women flirt with some dude named Oliver inside at the table. Phaedra says she’s sensitive to Kim missing her husband, and if her husband treated her well, she’d be missing him too. Shade of the night. Somehow, Phaedra turns the conversation around to her own problems, but Kim seems to think she’s a great friend. They go back inside.

New guy Oliver and his friend have invited themselves over to party. The girls get googly eyed when Kim says she misses her husband, but on the side Kenya says that most of the women would pay get away from their husbands and kids. Houdini Tammy, who had disappeared, comes back draped with another strange man. It’s her nephew, Glen, who Kenya immediately turns her high beams on.

It’s time for the ladies to get back on the boat and the guys go with them. Things go a little sour when Glen doesn’t respond positively to Kenya’s aggressive attempt to get his attention.

Next week, it looks like things go so far south, they hit the equator.

Dec7

December 6,2015 — No Dead, But an Eclectic Night

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What I Watched Today

(random, rambling thoughts on today’s TV)

 

The Real Housewives of Atlanta

When we left the…um…ladies, a fight was brewing between Cynthia and Porsha. We now move to fingers in the face. Porsha makes a weird, aggressive move, putting her foot up on Cynthia’s lounge chair and straddling her. Cynthia responds by kicking Porsha In the stomach. Porsha lunges for Cynthia and is held back by the crew or security or whoever. Kandi, coming back from the bathroom, is just like, whaaat?

In her individual interview, Kim says that she has a low tolerance for foolishness. Her and me both. This might be the wrong show for her with this crowd.

Porsha is squeaky screaming and Kenya says that Porsha can’t control herself, the disagreement always has to escalate to violence. Kenya wants Porsha and her buddy off the boat. Bye, Felicia!

Cynthia calls Peter. She says he’s still her rock. Really? She tells him she needs for him to come home, and he says he will.

Kim is pretty appalled. In her individual interview, she says that the worst part is how disappointed they’re both going to be in themselves after they catch a breath. I doubt Porsha knows that emotion.

Porsha is tucked into her chaise lounge at home, with her court of yes men girlfriends around her. She shows some bruises, but it looks like she got them from the guy who had to tackle her. Maybe Cynthia shouldn’t have kicked her one, but she shouldn’t have come up on Cynthia so aggressively. Especially considering her past. She makes noises about being supportive of Cynthia and “dumbing [herself] down.” I’m quite sure she’s so dumb she doesn’t know what that means.

Porsha starts to get loud and squeaky again. She’s rambling about Peter and what she knows. Come on, she doesn’t know anything everyone else doesn’t already.  Including an audience of millions.

Kim and Phaedra meet at a juice bar. Kim is not too happy that the boat ride turned out the way it did. She says she should have opted out like Phaedra did. She said she was just looking forward to a nice ride with her book and her snack. Ha!

Kenya is telling her friends, as Kandi is telling her staff, about the altercation. Phaedra says she saw bruises and cuts, but again, I don’t think that was from Cynthia. Kim says it’s being analyzed like the JFK assassination.  Kenya’s aunt suggests she get the girls together to smooth things over. I think her aunt is crazy. Phaedra says she told Kim it was a wild bunch.

Peter arrives home. Bleh. I can’t stand him. Cynthia says she keeps thinking of how she could have changed the situation, and Peter keeps saying all the wrong things. Her rock. Peter says Cynthia needs to forget about Porsha and examine how she feels about herself. I’m sure what he really means is to think about him.He says he wants to work things out and they get lovey-dovey. How long this will last, who knows.

Kandi has a doctor’s appointment. She goes to Dr. Jackie from Married to Medicine. Kandi is nearly halfway through the pregnancy. Dr. Jackie listens for the baby’s heartbeat. Todd suddenly has to make a call and Kandi is like, really? It couldn’t wait until after the appointment? Dr. Jackie finds the baby’s heartbeat and they look on the sonogram screen. Todd comes back in and they try to fool him into thinking the umbilical cord is something else. Ha-ha! They can’t tell yet though, if it’s a boy or girl.

Phaedra says that her focus has been on the kids. They seem pretty well adjusted considering Apollo’s fall from grace and back into prison. Phaedra whines about being a single mother, but it doesn’t look like she’s hurting any.

Cynthia calls Kenya. Kenya jokes about Cynthia’s Kung Fu Panda moment. Cynthia says she feels awful. Kenya says she wants to give a brunch to get things back on track. Cynthia thinks maybe it’s too soon. Kenya says the problem with her and Porsha is that they waited too long to address things. She might have a point, but it’s empty-headed Porsha we’re talking about. Kenya says if she was able to get past things with Porsha, Cynthia should be able to. Cynthia says, in thinking about it, she may have overreacted.

Kenya wants to meet with Porsha privately before the brunch. They meet at a little coffee/dessert bar. Porsha asks what’s up. Like she doesn’t know. Oh, wait, it’s Porsha. Maybe she doesn’t. Kenya says they once had their own altercation and what happened on the boat didn’t sit well with anyone. Porsha tries to act like it’s somebody else’s fault and talks about Kenya throwing shade at her friend, Shemia.

Kenya  says Porsha never takes responsibility for her actions. She tries telling Porsha that, considering their history, she could see how Porsha looked like the aggressor. Porsha says she doesn’t trust Kenya and she doesn’t need to justify her actions to anyone. She says she’ll be glad to talk to Cynthia, but it was just one of those things that snowballed. She gets angry that Kenya is telling her the truth, because she’s stupid and vain. She’s about to run from the situation, when Kenya calls a time out and says she should just tell Cynthia they were both wrong. They clink smoothie take-out cups.

Kandi and Kim are first to arrive at the brunch. Everyone else is late. Kim is annoyed and I don’t blame her. Phaedra strolls in, calling it a “unity luncheon.”  Kandi still isn’t sure if Phaedra is being genuine with her. Cynthia is feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable. Kim is like, let’s just say it, and asks Cynthia how it’s going. Kenya and Porsha come in together.

Kenya says she wanted to bring them together because of what happened. Kim says, being new, she doesn’t have a side, but it’s important to have clarity to move forward. Porsha and Cynthia decide to talk privately. Kim says she hopes they come back in one piece. Ha-ha!

Cynthia asks Porsha if she’s okay. Porsha says yes, but emotionally, she’s hurt.

Kenya says her talk with Porsha didn’t go well, and Kandi says Kenya seems to be good at pointing out other people’s flaws, but her own, not so much. Phaedra suggest that Jesus take the wheel , and drive fast. Kenya says she was just trying to be a grown up and help make things right.

Porsha says she’s sincere in wanting to move forward and feels Cynthia is sincere too. They hug it out. When they come back, applause all around.

Next week, Atlanta is in the Miami house! Oh wow, it looks like there will be another strange-men-in-the-house situation. Like there was with the New York Wives, except this looks more serious. And speaking of Miami, are those Wives ever coming back? I noticed they snuck in a Real Housewives of Cheshire on Saturday afternoon. Trial run?

Once Upon a Time

Hook is flashing back to his childhood, where his father wasn’t such a nice guy and he got sold into slavery. Mr. Gold/Rumpelstiltskin has Excalibur.

Dark Emma says the man she loved died in Camelot and all that’s left is the darkside. She and the others are splitting up to find Hook.

Zelena pops in poof! in front of Robin and Regina. She wants to discuss her daughter with her baby daddy, Robin. She says they’ll all be dead soon, so it won’t matter anyway. Two hooded figures come up behind Robin and Regina. At the same time, hooded figures surround the other groups. One walks through Henry.

Rumpel appears out of nowhere and tells them to look at their wrists. They have the mark of Charon, an old guy who runs a ferry to the underworld. Rumpel says the underworld is a worse place than even fire and brimstone. He tells them to use their time wisely, to say good-bye. DUN-DUN-DUNNN!

Regina finds Hook by the water. BTW, his first name is Killian. Regina says he might be the dark one now, but he’s not the same guy he was when they first met. He says she has no idea what kind of man he is. And he doesn’t mean that in a good way.

He flashes back to when Enchanted Forest Regina recruited him to kill her mother. In exchange, she promised to send him to a land with no magic so he could get his revenge on Rumpelstiltskin.

Henry looks through a spell book, hoping for something to counteract the curse they’re under. They decide to gather at Granny’s diner. They leave Dark Emma to continue searching. She tells Regina if she can destroy the dark ones, they’ll all be spared. Dark Emma reminds her of when she said they have to do whatever it takes to get rid of the darkness. Regina says it has to be put into someone, a sacrifice. Dark Emma says it will be herself.

Belle meets Rumpel at the shop. He tells her to go see the world and fulfill her dreams. He tells her to take the car, say good-bye to her father, and start living. She says she knew there was a hero inside him and they say good-bye.

Regina and Dark Emma enter the shop. He tells them to go away. Regina says no way, there are a lot of people in the underworld who would like to see the both of them. She tells Rumpel that Emma wants to take the darkness into herself, which will destroy the darkness – and her. Rumpel gives them Excalibur. For nothing, which is a surprise. Doesn’t magic always come with a price? He says it might not work because the blade chooses who it finds worthy. Regina says, later. She has to help Robin protect the baby from Zelena.

In the old days, Regina and Hook stop at a tavern. Someone yells pirates aren’t welcome. Hook turns to face them.

Robin and Regina come home to find Zelena looking at color swatches to redecorate their house. She says in an hour, they’ll be dead, and she’s moving in. Zelena says last time Regina tried to use the dagger it didn’t work. Regina says that’s because she didn’t believe in herself and says let’s take it outside. They go to the clock tower, and Regina uses the power of the dagger to blow Zelena back to Oz.

Dark Emma goes to the diner and silently says good-bye to her family. A dark figure tells Hook he knows what he needs to do.

Old days Hook reveals himself to his father at the tavern. His father is surprised he’s alive and he says they both cheated death. Hook wants to know why he was sold into servitude. His father says he met a woman who helped him see the error of his ways and wishes he’d known her back in the day. He says he’s sorry. Hook wants to know where she is.

Hook’s father says that she died. Hook says he came there to kill him, but they’ve both suffered enough already. He says he can arrange a letter of transit and transport for his father, but can’t come along. His father asks if he can arrange transport for two because he has another son.

Storybrooke Hook stops Dark Emma from leaving. He says he’s saving her because she made him the man he always wanted to be. She says she’s sorry, but she couldn’t watch another person she loved die. He says now she’ll watch everyone die. She brandishes Excalibur, but sees Henry who takes the sword from her. Poof! in a cloud of red smoke, he turns into Hook. She tells him please, don’t do this, but he says nope, he is, and poof! he disappears in another cloud of red smoke.

Snow finds a note from Dark Emma on the diner jukebox. Belle appears and says Hook has already stopped her and there’s no way to prevent their trip to the underworld.

Everyone appears in a forest, where there are a bunch of dark, hooded figures hanging around, along with Hook. Dark Emma runs out of the forest to join them. Regina says Hook can’t do this and he has to ask himself the same question he did on the night they don’t speak of: what kind of man do you want to be?

Hook’s stepbrother tells his father he doesn’t want to leave. Hook’s father says they’ll be fine and he’ll never leave him. Hook is outside and says that his father is telling his stepbrother the same lie he told him. He kills his father with his hook. The last thing his father says is that he can always change.

A hooded figure says it’s time. Dark Emma tries to stop things and suddenly chokes. The figure says maybe she can’t kill Dark Emma but she can stop her. Dark Emma keeps choking and Hook says enough. He pulls the Excalibur card and black snaky things come out and make the hooded people disappear.

He says the darkness won’t stay in Excalibur much longer and tells Dark Emma to take it from him and let him take on the darkness because her family needs her. She doesn’t want to do it, but he wants to die a hero. She takes the sword. She tells Hook she loves him and then – is she supposed to stab him with it or what? Yes, she is. And she does. Lots of tears. I’d cry too, but it’s all more confusing than anything else.

They all pop back to Storybrooke and voila! everything is cool again. Excalibur turns to dust. Wait, not so cool. Hook just keeled over.

The EMTs (God only knows what they must be thinking) cover Hook’s face over and put him in the ambulance.

Rumpel  is having a drink (what does he need one for?) in the shop. Belle comes in, says Henry told her everything, and gives him a big kiss. (I guess because he handed over Excalibur?) She says she wanted to see the world, but with him. While Belle is sleeping, he puts on his Mission Impossible clothes. He gets a text from Emma, who’s in the shop.

Rumpel is like, this isn’t the diner, you people have to stop just showing up. Emma says the dagger called to her and she knows he has it. She says he must be the dark one. When Hook thought he was destroying the darkness, he was only moving it. Rumpel says things are as they should be now.

Emma tries to throw some magic at him, but he says he has all the magic of all the dark ones who ever lived. Emma says she still has magic and he has to do something for her. Rumpel says why should he? And Emma says she’ll tell Belle who he really is if he doesn’t.

Rumpel opens the door to the underworld for Emma and the others. It’s pretty cool looking. Kind of like a pretty swamp with blue lighting. Here comes that guy in the boat. Don’t they have to answer three questions or something? Or was that just in Monty Python and the Holy Grail?

They get ready to board the boat.

On March 6, the story of Storybrooke takes place in the underworld and the quest to find Hook is on.

No Walking Dead tonight. There’s a marathon of Into the Badlands instead. I definitely give it a thumbs up.

Work Out New York

Just a first impression. Hot trainers with egos the size of the state of Rhode Island, but who are also insecure. I’m in! But, hey, what ever happened to Jackie What’s-her-name and that other workout show? She was pretty interesting.

Bad Words

Another quickie. I had never heard of this film and caught it on HBO today. It was on the TV when I came back from the store (yes, I leave it on for the dogs), and I just didn’t bother changing the channel. I’m glad I didn’t, because this was a terrific film.

In a nutshell, Jason Bateman is a 40-year-old guy who finds a loophole in a national spelling bee contest. (He has his reasons for wanting to be in it.) He enters the contest, competing against children. He befriends one of the kids, and they both grow in the process. It was heartwarming without being obnoxious, was well-written, and the acting was great. It was a unique story as well. I’m really glad I stumbled across it.

Nov30

November 29, 2015 — The Dead Walk, the Wives Squawk & Dark Clouds Stalk

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What I Watched Today

(random, rambling thoughts on today’s TV)

 

The Walking Dead

Ok, it’s creepy already. We’re going down a hallway while Tiny Tim’s Tiptoe Through the Tulips plays in the background. Jessie’s son, Sam, is drawing weird pictures in crayon. A bunch of ants crawl down the frame of his window to the plate of uneaten food next to the bed. WTF?

Moving on. Last week, the church tower fell, opening the walls of Alexandria to the zombie horde. This is not good news. The zombies are getting pretty gross too. Rick gets it together quickly and tells everyone to get inside.  Very intense stuff.  Deanna comes out shooting, but she’s a bad shot so not much help.

This really sucks. Even Carol is falling all over the place, she’s so startled. Rick drags Deanna’s ass inside. Maggie is having a tough time of it, but manages to climb a ladder. Since she’s climbing for two, she’s pretty motivated. The ladder falls out from under her, but she pulls herself up there. Geez, I’m tired now.

The green balloons are still floating in the sky. Eugene is somehow remaining unobtrusive, but is still outside, and Tara and the girl whose name I don’t know, save him. I’m sure someone must have gotten eaten here, but all the main characters get to safety, such as it is, while the zombie horde roams the streets of Alexandria.

Commercial break. Dammit! Why does Krampus have to be PG-13? It looks so good, but I can’t deal with a room full of kids and their cell phones.

From a distance, Glenn and Enid can see what’s going on at Alexandria. Glenn says people are still alive, but Enid says this is how it happens and it always happens. Glenn says they’re still alive and why lose people before they’re even gone? Very good point.

Jessie’s son is acting very freaky. Jessie comes busting in with Rick and a bunch of people and this kid is on his last nerve. Jessie tells him to pretend like it’s all good, but he’s petrified and not functioning. He needs to turn off that music.

Carol and Morgan are stuck together. Carol says she doesn’t trust him, but she doesn’t think he’s a liar either. She asks how it is outside and he says they’re still in the streets. Did they think the zombies would be gone by now? Carol is hurt and Morgan tells her she needs to sit down before she falls down.

Somehow Denise got stuck with the Wolf that Morgan captured. He’s like, it’s cool to talk, and she says she should be out helping people. She says he’s killed people, and he says they were freed. Denise says Morgan doesn’t want to let him go until he knows he won’t kill again. The Wolf says he has an infection from cutting himself on a rusty bumper. Denise takes a look at it and tells him he can change. Let’s hope that wound is what he’s saying it is and he doesn’t change into a zombie. He looks at Denise like he has a crush on her. Or maybe he wants to eat her. I’ve looked at cakes that way.

Michonne is checking out Deanna’s would. Are those teeth marks?

Yep, I guess so. Rick says she doesn’t have much time. He says he’s going to try and get a vehicle and get the zombies out of there.

Michonne tries to distract Deanna by discussing the plans she gave them for the new Alexandria. Deanna says that she got to do what she wanted up until the end and asks Michonne what she wants for herself. Michonne says she doesn’t know and Deanna says she’d better. She probably knows she doesn’t want to turn into a zombie.

Ron whines to Carl that they’re all dead and tells him his dad’s a killer. Carl says so is his, and that gives Ron pause for thought. Ron locks the door and attacks Carl. Then he busts open a window like a freakin’ jerk. The zombies are all focused on getting in now. Idiot! They should throw Ron out there with them.

Now everyone has to run like crazy to get away and they can barely hold the door shut with a couch. Rick asks Carl what the blip happened. This probably isn’t the time to have some big discussion. Ron goes upstairs and Carol follows. Carl draws his gun and tells Ron to give him his gun. Carl takes the gun from him. Carl says he gets that his dad killed Ron’s dad, but Ron needs to get that his dad was an a-hole. His word, although I concur.

Commercial break. Episode of Fear 462. The first passenger turns into a zombie.

Great. Baby Judith is crying and attracting zombies. Uh-oh. Deanna is gone. Rick opens the door and finds her over the crib and almost chops her in the head with an ax, but she’s like, hold on there, I’m still alive. Rick says from now on someone needs to be with her. And it can’t be Judith. Oh wow. Rick made a funny. She gives him something from Spencer to Maggie and Rick says he’ll make sure she gets it. Deanna tells him she didn’t run out to help him because she liked him, or a bunch of other reasons, but because he’s one of them. They are all his people.

Girl whose name I don’t know asks Tara if she thinks it’s curtains for Alexandria. Tara says no. For some reason Girlfriend says she thinks Abraham is dead. Tara is like, is not. Girlfriend wants to spread out from the area of the building they’re in, and Eugene says lock picking is within his skill set.

Morgan asks Carol if she’s all right and she says she’s just resting her eyes. That’s what my dad used to say when he was falling asleep in the recliner. Morgan is looking around and doesn’t see Carol. She pops out and grabs some keys from him and takes off. What?

Rick and company are having a hell of a time and the zombies have gotten totally into the house. Damn! They block the staircase with the couch.

Denise is tending to the Wolf’s wound and Carol comes in with a knife saying get away from him. Denise says he’s tied up, but she moves. I would too if Carol had a knife in my face. Morgan is right behind her with his stick. WTF, Carol?

Rick and Michonne pick off a couple of zombies and drag them upstairs. The plan is to gut the zombies, put the guts on bed sheets, and get to the armory. Rick says anyone who stays will die. Will someone please turn that record off?

Morgan says they can be better than the Wolfs; they don’t have to kill. Carol says she doesn’t want to have to kill Morgan too. I have a bad feeling about this, Beavis.

Deanna asks Michonne what’s going on. She’s not looking too good. She says it’s her life from start to finish. She has a gun and says she’s not ready yet, but she will be. She tells Michonne to go. Michonne thanks her for believing in them. Deanna tells her to figure out what she wants. Probably surviving is at the top of the list.

DAMMIT! TURN THAT RECORD OFF! Jessie tells Sam that he has to pretend to be brave and they have to go.

Carol says she’s going to kill Morgan to kill the Wolf because she doesn’t want anyone else to die. This makes perfect sense, said no one ever.The Wolf says they should kill him, but they’re all going to die anyway. Morgan knocks the knife (scissors, whatever it is) out of her hand with the stick, and they tussle. Carol gets knocked out and the Wolf gets free and grabs the knife.

Rick and company put the gut covered sheets on. Stupid Father Gabriel claims that he won’t turn back no matter what happens. We’ll see.

Denise begs the Wolf not to kill them. She says he claimed they were dead anyway. He frees himself, and comes after her with the knife and she tells him he’s full of sh*t. Eugene, Tara and Girlfriend come in, but the Wolf puts the knife to Denise’s throat, so they lower their weapons.  He takes one of the guns and walks past them, holding the gun to Denise’s head. Why he wants to leave is beyond me.

Rick and the others are ready to leave the house. Hopefully, it doesn’t rain this time. This looks so disgusting, I can almost smell it. The crowd of zombies in the house reminds me of some NYC parties I’ve been to. Glenn and Enid see them come out of the house from a tree.

Deanna is about to shoot herself, but shoots a few zombies first. You go, girl!

I can understand not moving fast, but this group should probably get off the porch. That stupid freaking kid! He starts going, “Mom…mom…mom…” Shut the blip up!

Next week, Daryl and company can’t catch a break.

Oh, and thanks for the earworm, Walking Dead.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta

Kenya “stops by” Sheree’s house. It does look like kind of a mess, but really just a work in progress. Kenya says it’s at least 15 to 20,000 square feet. Yep, it’s big. Kenya talks about how she had her entire house gutted and it sounds like a headache. Kenya invites Sheree to a party on a yacht. She wants to give Cynthia a good time since she got stuck with that cretin, Peter, as a partner in life.

Phaedra is out shopping with Porsha, who’s looking for some cute, trashy close for Facetime with her boyfriend.

Peter is in Charlotte (good, stay there) and Cynthia invites Kandi over. Kandi tells her that she has some pregnancy issues, but she feels she’s taking it easy enough. She talks about the restaurant she and Todd want to open. Cynthia makes excuses for Peter like she usually does, but she also admits their relationship isn’t working. Please, get rid of him already.

Kim is talking to Phaedra about an event she went to with “too much boobage” and Phaedra says that she might be in with the wrong crowd here. She says she doesn’t really have a huge social life, it mostly revolves around her husband and kids.  She tears up, realizing she’s lost herself somewhere in there.

Porsha dresses up like a porn star for her chat with her boyfriend. She keeps checking herself in the mirror while eons go by and she can’t get ahold of him. An hour goes by. She calls Phaedra to complain about having to wait on Duke. Phaedra says the thrill is gone and it’s run its course. Geez, it didn’t take much.

Kenya picks up Cynthia and her friend, Tammy. Kandi picks up Kim in what looks like an airport limousine. She says she needs a lot of room because of the pregnancy. Kim says she admires Kandi’s entrepreneurship. They talk about sex toys, as Kandi has a line of them. Kim says this is very different from her normal carpool experience.

Oh this should be good. Tammy’s best friend is Sheree’s ex-husband. She let’s fly that Sheree was a gold digger.

Kandi picks up Porsha and some friend of hers that we don’t get introduced to. Kim expresses concern that Kenya will bedriving the boat, but they have a legitimate captain. And some hunky bartenders. Kenya greets the rest of the guests, indicating that she didn’t invite Shemia, who is the tagalong friend. She was also at Kenya’s launch party. Kenya has to explain to Porsha that not all parties include a plus one.

Tammy acts all fangirl with Kandi having been in Xscape.  Kenya makes an announcement that the party is all about Cynthia. Sheree comes on board and they shove off.

Tammy talks to Kandi about her son’s rap song and says she wants to get him in the studio with Kandi. Tammy says Sheree’s ex is producing him. Kandi is evasive and rightly so. This is no place to be bugging her about work stuff and Kandi says in her individual interview that she doesn’t want to hear about anything without a budget. Tammy says her husband is “Nazi white.” What is this girl on?

Kim pulls out a book, which is probably what I would do, and Kenya throws it overboard. Everyone is drinking heavily, except for Kandi and Kim. Now they’re going to get in the water. Brilliant. They’re wearing life jackets, but still.

Kenya says thanks to everybody for being supportive at her event despite the heat. She says the only one who threw shade was Shemia, and next thing we know, Kenya is looking to have this uninvited guest escorted off the boat. Portia uses the term “bitch” in reference to Cynthia and even though they’ve been using this word toward each other all day, Cynthia isn’t liking it. In her individual interview.  Porsha says she didn’t mean it in an insulting way and suggests that the last shot must have turned her into Peter.

Kenya has to explain that Porsha should just apologize and let it go. Porsha goes to find Cynthia, who has gone to the other side of the boat with Kim. Cynthia claims that Porsha was being disrespectful. Porsha says she’s sorry, but she doesn’t feel like she did anything wrong, which isn’t exactly an apology. They get into a finger-in-your-face shouting match that ends (at least for tonight) with Porsha jumping up and onto Cynthia. I flashback to when she did the same thing to Kenya on the reunion. This girl has no self-control. They tend to throw the term “ghetto” around too, but I think this is actually it.

Next week – the fight continues and Porsha ends up flailing about on the floor again.

Once Upon A Time

I’m putting this show last, even though I watched it first. I thought if somebody new reads this and it’s the first thing they read, they’ll think I’m high or something. It’s not me, it’s the show. I’m sure my writing is as hard to follow as it is for me to follow the program. If this was the 80s, I’d swear the writers are on crack.

Hook throws the dreamcatcher in Dark Emma’s face and those black stringy things go all over, roping him in. He remembers coming to the dark side and emerges out of the forest sewer cap in the hoodie required to be in the dark one club. Rumpel is waiting for him.

Rumpel says he can get his revenge for him.  And then he’ll be capable of doing what he’s always wanted to do – killing Rumpel.

Regina tells Dark Emma thanks a lot for turning Hook dark. Snow tells Dark Emma to give back their memories. David says the dreamcatchers are gone.

Hook goes to Mr. Gold’s shop and says he wants to savor killing him. He reminds Gold/Rumpel of how he came to be dark in the first place. Hook says all Rumpel has to do is get Excalibur from him and asks if they should finish what they started.

Rumpel says they have to find out more about the first dark one to stop Hook. Dark Emma says she can help, but she needs the cuff that’s holding her back to be taken off. She pleads with Henry to believe she’ll behave herself, but Henry is like, oh no, you’ve lied one too many times and you just want your dark magic back so you can be bad all over the place. Emma is bummed because they don’t trust her, but what did she expect? Trust has to be earned, dark one.

Everyone goes to the forest sewer cap, but it’s shut and they can’t get down there.  Snow thinks Lancelot’s mother, the Lady of the Lake, can help. Lancelot leaves to find her. Hook asks why dark ones must dress like monks. Ha-ha! Rumpel finds him wandering about the forest whining about how he’s stuck in Camelot. Dark Emma joins the both of them. She says she wants a future with Hook, and he has to want it too. He says he does and Rumpel disappears. Emma says they can get rid of the darkness in themselves by bonding with their loved ones, and I’d swear it was Iowa from all the corn.

Mr. Gold tells Belle that if he survives the duel with Hook, he’s going to be the man she wants him to be. He’s run from battles his whole life and isn’t running from this one.

Zelena tries to come into the hospital to get her baby, but her daughter is gone. Regina says they needed to protect the child from her. Regina says the only reason she has the baby is because she killed Marion and deceived Robin.

Merida is guarding Dark Storybrooke Emma. Hook startles her and she almost shoots him. Dark Emma says the reason Hook is there is because he still has feelings for her. Hook says he’s free now, and no one can stop him. Dark Emma says the darkness is just using him; it doesn’t care about what he wants. He says she’s so afraid of losing the people she loves, she pushes them away. He says she doesn’t need the darkness, she does fine on her own. He says he wants to hurt her like she hurt him. Even when you’re a dark one, you can’t escape middle school.

In Camelot, however, Dark Emma and Hook are making out in the woods. Hook goes to get water (can’t he just conjure some up?) and he gets a headache. Rumpel appears and says it’s the sound of the dagger. He says Dark Emma must have it and she’s lying to him. Dark Emma comes looking for Hook and he asks if she knows where Excalibur is. She says something unrelated like, “How about them Mets?” to deflect the question. He asks if she used its magic on him. He’s pretty pissed that she turned him dark. He says he stopped Regina from using it on her because she should make her own decisions and she should have let him make his. Then he’s gone, poof! in a puff of red smoke. Burgundy really.

Rumpel is in the shop practicing with the sword and gets interrupted by Dark Emma. She wants Hook to last long enough in the duel for her to steal back the dreamcatchers and suggests he use magic. Rumpel says he wants to win with honor. She’s like, good luck with that.

Regina brings Zelina to her house where Robin and the baby are, reminding Zelena that she has her powers back too. Zelena says,  “Once you go green, you never go queen,” referring to her tryst with Robin. Regina says she’s spent years doing terrible things beyond Zelena’s imagination, but having a child changed things. She hopes that kind of love does the Jessiee for Zelena. Robin says although he and Zelena can never be a family, she can have supervised visits with the baby. Does this baby have a name yet?

Belle, David, Henry & Snow are at the library doing research. How come they’re not using a computer? Dark Emma ambushes Henry. She asks for help with the dreamcatchers and Henry agrees.

Dark Emma searches for Hook with no luck. She summons him with Excalibur. He says it wasn’t cool for her to make him feel out of control. She says she called him because she does believe he should control his own fate. She gives him Excalibur and says let’s do this together. She says she loves him. He returns the sentiment and they make out in a field of flowers.

Mr. Gold shows up at Hook’s ship. Hook says it has to be a fair fight (that’s good of him) and heals Rumpel’s leg. They duel with swords.

Commercial break. Galavan is coming back! I liked that show & I also forgot about it. It was so weird, I didn’t think it would come back. Certainly not after all this time.

Hook and Dark Emma hook (ha-ha!) back up with the others. Merlin is staring into a bubbling caldron. Hook walks in on him and steals his heart. Rumpel says be careful, it’s pretty old. Nimue also pops in. (Every time I hear her name, that song The Lion Sleeps Tonight plays in my head.) She says she’s always loved Merlin. Hook says she lives in all dark ones, so when he crushes Merlin’s heart, so will she.

Hook and Rumpel continue to fight. Rumpel loses his sword and Hook has him at a disadvantage.

Henry, who has brought stuff to make a new dreamcatcher, takes the cuff off of Dark Emma.

Dark Emma finds Hook with Merlin’s heart. She’s pretty pissed because he tricked her. She asks Nimue what she wants and she says Dark Emma wants it too. Dark Emma gets the feels and tells Hook revenge isn’t his happy ending and if he destroys Merlin’s heart, he’ll destroy his happy ending. He says the happy ending died when she turned him into a dark one and he crushes Merlin’s heart.  Whoa. That’s cold.

Hook prattles on and magic forest Rumpel pops in asking what’s the delay. When Hook looks at him, Mr. Gold/Rumpel turns the tables. I don’t think he kills him though. Belle meets Rumpel in the woods, but they don’t make out. She tells him he’s broken her heart too many times. He says, but wait a minute, I won the battle, my heart is pure now, so let’s make out. Belle basically says she has to go find herself and needs to protect her heart. There you go. After all that.

Dark Emma makes Merlin’s body go poof! in a cloud of grey smoke. She tells Hook she’ll never abandon him, not even now, makes a hand gesture (not that one) and he keels over. She brings out a dreamcatcher. She makes everyone go to sleep. She uses the dreamcatcher to erase the memories of her turning Hook dark.

Rumpel tells her no good is going to come of this. Lots and lots and lots of blue smoke envelops everything.

All of a sudden, Excalibur is back at Camelot and Arthur’s eyes bug out of his head. From the tower window, Arthur and Guinevere see the humongous cloud of smoke coming their way too. Arthur tells Guinevere that it’s dark magic coming.

Everyone gets dreamcatchers like they’re party favors. Emma says she remembers and she knows what they’re doing, meaning Hook and Rumpel.

Hook and Rumpel are at some creepy pond. Hook dips his hook into the pond. A ghost ship appears! Well, more like a gondola. There are a bunch of hooded dudes in it and one comes across the pond, walking on the water. It’s Nimue and she says she’s hear to do what dark ones do best, snuff out the light. Hook says welcome to Storybrooke. And I thought those snuffers all lived in my town.

The winter finale – whatever that is – an excuse to take a break – is next week.

Nov23

November 22, 2015 — Atlanta & the Dead

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What I Watched Today

(random, rambling thoughts on today’s TV)

 

The Real Housewives of Atlanta

Phaedra is treating Porsha to a colonic. A colonic is the new brunch. I’m on the fence as to whether those are really a good idea or not. Oh I see, the people who administer them are called “colonic therapists” now.  Phaedra stays in the room and Porsha makes a bunch of noises when it starts. TMI right off the bat.

Porsha says that a couple of the ladies brought up some tabloid headlines that were about her new boyfriend, Duke (what is he, royalty or a Great Dane?), like him dating a transgender woman. Porsha doesn’t care as long as he has a package and he’s breathing. Phaedra goes on and on about how Apollo’s motorcycle was at Kandi’s house when the tax man was looking for it. As Kandi said last week, I think he was looking for more than that, but Phaedra wants to misdirect her anger.

There’s also a dog wandering around the colonic room. Never mind, it was Kandi’s dog as one scene was edited into another.

Peter hasn’t contacted Cynthia in a week. I’d change the locks. She’s interviewing tutors for her daughter and both her assistant, Leon, and the potential tutor are fine looking men. She does not need Peter. Nope. Not at all. Unless she wants to lose every penny she makes and be embarrassed for the rest of her life.

Leon talks to Cynthia about her Peter issues. Leon says she’s walked away from a lot of relationships and he thinks it’s worth fighting for. What?! Why? This makes Cynthia want to reevaluate things. Thanks, Leon. She had a foot out the door.

Commercial break and important information. Andy will be doing a one-on-one interview with Vicki on Watch What Happens Live, Monday at 8:30 pm.

Porsha has signed up for a celebrity charity track meet. D list apparently.  I don’t recognize one other person and I watch a lot of crap. Oh, wait, is that Carrie Underwood? How did she get talked into something like this? It’s not even a real race; they’re doing sprints and acting like it’s a triathlon.

Friends are suggesting Porsha do a background check on Duke, but I don’t even think she googled him. Porsha says she wishes they’d just be supportive. Honey, that is being supportive. You don’t have a brain, so they’re looking out for you.

Kenya is having a Kenya Moore Experience event to promote her haircare brand. The event planner is the same one Cynthia used for her sunglasses launch. Kenya asks Marlo what up at Cynthia’s event with Sheree? and suggests they have a pay-the-rent party for her. I remember those.

Cynthia says it doesn’t feel good to come home to an empty bed. I have a suggestion, get rid of Peter and fill that space with someone else. He’s not even returning her calls. I have no clue what she sees in this Neanderthal.

Kim and her husband are going to Kenya’s event, and are excited about the prospect of going out sans children.  She has such beautiful hair and did that platinum highlight thing that I hate. Why? She seems to have a really great relationship with her husband and has done really well with her life, which is good to see when there are so many horror stories of too much too soon with young actors.

After giving explicit instructions about wanting the air conditioners blasting, it’s hot at the event. Porsha and her plus one friend are ragging on Kenya, but since Porsha only seems up to the task of letting a man take care of her, I don’t think she should be criticizing Kenya’s efforts. I’ve grown to like Kenya. At least she can form a sentence and do basic math.

Kim shows up and a lot of flashbulbs pop. Kim says she’s not impressed with a lot of people, but gives Kandi props. The heat plus Kandi’s pregnancy is not working though, and she has to leave. Kim says it’s not her and her husband’s ideal date, but beggars can’t be choosers. Sheree comes in.

Kenya makes her entrance. She has a man with her whose name I forgot already. Needless to say, she’s not thrilled with the temperature. Cynthia says Kenya twirled out faster than she twirled in. Ha-ha!

Miss Lawrence arrives! I’d forgotten he and Kenya are friends. Kenya  gets on the mic and apologizes about the heat. She thanks the people who worked on the event and tells everyone to have a good time. Eugene is the name of the guy she’s with.

Sheree says she doesn’t know if she can trust Kenya since she still wears color contacts in 2015. Okay… Shree throws more shade, and Kenya asks if she can speak to her on the side. Kenya thanks her for coming, but asks what’s up. Sheree says Kenya shouldn’t have talked about her unfinished house at Cynthia’s event. Kenya says she wasn’t making that big a deal about it, they talk contractors, and they make peace. We’ll see. Sheree is kind of a dim bulb.

Cynthis tells Peter he acted inappropriately at the party. He says he was ambushed by her friends about the video. She says if you give people something to work with, they’re going to work with it. Yep. He says he flashed back to their wedding when she came down the staircase, and all there’s been is work since they got married. Welcome to that thing we call “life.” Cynthia says there’s a disconnect between them. He seems to think it’s because they don’t spend enough time together and says it’s her fault. Cynthia says she freakin’ moved here from NYC for him for Pete’s sake, when he built that stupid bar and lost their money. He whines that it’s not his fault. She says she’s not saying that, but she’s unhappy and maybe she’s not in love with him anymore. He asks when she stopped and she doesn’t know. He says he never stopped being in love with her, but she says she doesn’t feel it and he doesn’t show it.

He says he’s been watching them drift apart, but he can’t stop doing what he’s doing (I have no idea what he means by that). He whines some more. Cynthia says they can give it one more go, but it’s not happy at present and is he up for that challenge? He says that when they’re as deep in love as they’ve been, there’s no back door. They’re definitely at odds as to divorce being an option. He says he’ll do whatever it takes. She says that she’s not going to say it’s going to be okay, just because he wants it to be. My hat’s off to her. She’s finally grown a pair.

Next week, the ladies go on a yacht day trip and there’s a lot of finger-in-your-face arguing.

The Walking Dead

Flashback to Glenn getting ripped apart. Wait. He’s not getting ripped apart. It’s Nicholas, the guy on top of him, and he scrunches underneath the dumpster. This is in a snow globe or it’s a dream, isn’t it?

Lots of zombies wandering around while Glenn looks to see how much water he has left. He emerges in the morning. The first thing I’d be doing is looking for a weapon. He looks for water instead. Hey. Stop making that crinkly noise with the bottle.

Enid yells to him from the top of the wall and tosses him some water. I’d totally forgotten about her. Glen climbs into the building and calls to Enid. He asks what happened in Alexandria. She says it’s what always happens, people die. He asks if the zombie horde broke in and what was the air horn sound. She tells him he should go. He asks if Maggie is okay.

Enid runs off and Glen follows. Okay, I guess they fooled us with his “death,” eh? Very clever. Ha-ha-ha. Now bring back that goat from the Morgan episode.

Rick sees Morgan and says he’d like to talk later. He checks out the blood that was dripping down the wall after the zombie attack. He sees Maggie at the lookout point, watching for Glenn. Rick says they’ve come back from harder things, and all of them will return. I wonder who kidnapped Rick and replaced him with this optimistic guy.

Glenn sees a zombie with his eyeball stuck to a fence and stabs him in the head. I’m sure there’s absolutely no reason for this scene except for us to see the stuck eyeball. He finds a note we assume was written by said zombie when they were alive.

Creepy Father Gabrielle is posting a notice for a prayer service. I don’t want him praying with me or for me. Rick is giving Ron gun lessons. Is anyone making bullets? That would be a lucrative profession right now. Rick gives Ron a gun so he gets used to the feel of it. It’s not going to be loaded until he learns more, but he seems a little eager to use it and I’m not liking that.

Morgan is about to talk to Denise, who has the idea Morgan is not as fine as he says he is. Rick comes by and asks Morgan to talk and they go to a mini meeting with Carol and Michonne. Carol has told Rick that Morgan refused to kill the Wolfs. Morgan says he doesn’t want to kill anyone he doesn’t have to and that Rick didn’t try to kill him way back when. He says he doesn’t know what’s right anymore, that he wanted to kill them because of what they do, but there is still the possibility that they might change, and that all life is precious. He doesn’t want to let that idea go. Michonne says he might have to. Morgan asks if they want him to go. Rick asks him if he really thinks he can stay and not end up with blood on his hands.

The zombie horde is banging on the walls of Alexandria. Rick tells Michonne they need to get to their cars and go back to diverting the zombies. He doesn’t want to tell anyone else because there isn’t time and that they haven’t even had time to catch their breaths. She says they’re doing that right now. She reminds me of one of the video exercise instructors I follow who thinks jumping jacks are a resting move. Dieanna comes out with plans for the new Alexandria.

Eugene is at zombie killing lessons and not paying attention. The instructor tells him it doesn’t matter if you die, but if the people around you die, it’s worse because you have to live with knowing you didn’t do all you could. Perhaps she’s speaking from experience.

Glenn grabs Enid before she can get out the door. He says he’s taking her home. Enid refuses. Glenn is insistent and she draws a gun on him.

Commercial break. An episode of Fear 462. The stewardess is about to use a defibrillator on a patient and this is amusing since it’s Dr. Obrechy from General Hospital. There are a few familiar faces on this series.

Glenn tells Enid to give him the gun. For a moment, I wonder if he survived the zombies only to die here, but he takes it from her. He tells her half the herd broke off and is headed for Alexiandria, so they need to get back.

Rick compulsively works on the walls while reciting “all work and no play make rick a dull boy.” Tobin comes along and starts helping.

Enid puts a struggling zombie out of its misery. She and Glenn see some green balloons tied to a post. It’s Glenn’s birthday! Enid takes the balloons.

Blood is still oozing through the wall at Alexandria. Tobin says Rick scared the hell out of him when he first came. He said things had moved slow in Alexandria and then started moving too fast, and not to give up on the people there.

Enid tells Glenn she lived with Olivia in Alexandria, but she was really on her own. Glenn says he realizes she’s scared. Enid says she isn’t and not to lecture her. Glenn tries to talk to her, but she doesn’t want it right now.

Stupid Ron gets into where they keep the firearms and steals some bullets. We already know nothing good will come of this.

Glenn and Enid, who still has the balloons (way to draw attention to yourself), get to Alexadria and see a million zombies outside. Enid says the world is trying to die and they should let it. Glenn says they’re not supposed to let that happen and he’s not going to let her die.

Holy!  A Spencer is crawling across a wire above the zombies. Whoa! He almost drops into them. And he does drop into them. Tobin and Eugene shoot at the zombies as rick tries to pull Spencer back up the wall. This is pretty intense. He makes it. Rick asks what the hell they were doing and Tara gives him the finger. Spencer says he wanted to get to a car and divert the zombies. Rick says come to him first if he gets any more bright ideas.

Denise asks Morgan if everything is okay and he says it’s fine. He sees her “cheat sheets” for medical instructions. He asks how well their stocked for antibiotics. He says he needs to dress a wound and he’s not sure if it’s infected. She starts giving him the symptoms and he covers the cheat sheet, but she still knows. He says he didn’t know if he should get her involved, but it’s not his wound.

Nosey Carol sees them going down the street and follows with baby Judith. Why they don’t realize she’s behind them is beyond me, since there’s absolutely no one else outside. Carol asks Sam to watch Judith. I’m kind of not liking Carol at this moment. Sam’s son asks Carol if his father turned into one of the monsters. Carol says he only thing that keeps you from becoming a monster is killing. I have no idea what she’s talking about.

Carol goes to where Morgan is (some kind of cell) and asks what he’s hiding. Ron comes up behind Carl with the gun. Rick and Tobin continue to work on the wall. But unlike Nehemiah, Rick is distracted by Tara walking by. They banter about the Spencer thing and Deanna joins in, thanking Rick for saving Spencer. Rick says he could have gotten out to get a car in the moment Spencer fell, but he chose not to.

Everyone sees the green balloons in the distance. Maggie runs to the gate. Worried faces all around and then we see the church tower fall and smash open the wall.

The mid season finale should be a doozie.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – Uncensored

Not much to say about this other than it’s a chance for Bravo to milk the franchise some more. It’s still worth watching though. From the audition videos to the outing of Kim as an alcoholic to outtakes from the dinner party from hell. Sometimes you get the best stuff in these in-between shows.

The “real” Real Beverly Hills Wives begins Tuesday, December 1.

Nov16

November 15, 2015 — Once Upon the Dead in Atlanta

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What I Watched Today

(random, rambling thoughts on today’s TV)

Once Upon A Time

I’m really thrilled that they decided to make this 2 hours tonight, since it totally screws up my TV watching schedule.

David asks Arthur why he tried to burn the crimson crown mushroom. He wants to know who Nimue is and when he asks, Arthur table flips like he was on Real Housewives and runs.  Hook goes after him and ends up getting tripped up, but before Arthur can run a sword through him, Dark Emma stops him with Excalibur. Hook tells her that she’s not entirely dark, and the part that saved him was the real Emma. He asks why she needs Excalibur. She says she’s doing it for him and disappears poof! in a cloud of dark smoke.

Outside Camelot (3 weeks earlier), Emma and Henry meet at the diner, and wonder where Merlin is. Everyone but Emma is freeze framed and Merlin appears. Arthur has Regina, Snow, Hook and David tied to trees. Arthur wants Excalibur and the flame to forge it back together, in exchange for her family’s lives. Merlin tells her not to seek vengeance or they’ll never be able to put everything back together.

Hook wants to know why Arthur destroyed Merlin’s message (i.e. the mushroom). David tells him to lay off, but Hook says they need it to save Emma from her dark self. Regina says there might not be a real Emma anymore. Hook wants to find out how all this happened in the first place.

Rumpel is busy staring at a snow globe. Belle and Hook come to the shop. Hook wants to know what’s going on in Emma’s head, since she says she’s doing it for him, but he’s not buying it. Rumpel says he told himself the same thing about doing things for his son, but he was kidding himself and that road goes nowhere.

Emma is staring at the spark. Rumpel says he wouldn’t try to ignite it, as it will cause more harm than good. Rumpel disappears and Henry shows up. Emma says she needs to use the darkness one last time and then she’ll use Excalibur to rid herself of it.

She goes to where her family is being held hostage, and she says she’ll give Arthur the dagger and the spark if he lets her family go. Arthur says he’ll unleash Merlin. Merlin says he doesn’t want to fight her, but Zelena says she will.

Parallel Zelena, still in the hospital, goes into labor. She says dark magic caused it.

Hook looks for Dark Emma, and decides to jump off a roof so she’ll save him. She does and he says he wants to know what happened in Camelot. She says it’s complicated and he tells her that every ring he wears has a sad story of someone he killed. She produces a ring he thought he lost and he says that’s the saddest story of all. He tells her he loves her and she asks if he really wants to know what happened. He does and she says she has something to show him. They go to the house they were going to move in to.

Dark Emma says the truth is tricky and you have to look for it. Hook looks through a telescope at the ocean. She says she knows it calms him and everything she’s done is to keep their future alive. She says if he knew what she was doing, he would stop her. She hugs him and he goes unconscious.

Parallel Zelena is about to deliver.

Zelena asks who she should destroy first, and Emma says she can have thespark. Crazy snakes jump out and hold Zelena back. Merlin tells Emma this is a battle she can’t win and they throw lightning bolts at each other. Arthur tells Merlin to kill Snow. A tree branch starts to strangle her, but Merlin fights the darkness, despite Arthur’s protests.

In the meantime, Hook has broken free, and Arthur runs like the big baby he is, telling Zelena to get them out of there. They both disappear poof! in a puff of green smoke.

Now Emma has the sword, the dagger and the spark. They all reconvene at the diner. Emma takes the spark outside to meditate on it. Regina asks her if she needs a light. Ha-ha! Emma says that Rumpel told her she’s not ready to get rid of the darkness. Regina says if she’s clinging to the darkness, there must be a good reason. She takes the dagger and commands her to say why she wants to hang on to the darkness. Emma says to protect her family, but Regina says there’s more to it than that. Hook comes out and takes the dagger away before she can get to the truth.

Zelena has a baby girl. Everyone moons over the new baby and Dark Emma shows up. They’re afraid she wants to take the baby, but she says that’s not the baby she’s after.

Hook wakes up in chains. He sees Zelena with him and she says Dark Emma sped up her pregnancy and separated her from her baby. Dark Emma appears and tells Hook that he would have stopped her. The darkness needs a vessel and she wants Zelena’s baby for that. He keeps asking her what really happened that she’s not saying.

Hook finds Emma staring at the spark. She says she knows why she doesn’t want to let go of the darkness. She says she can only admit her true feelings if she thinks she’s going to lose someone. She says the minute the darkness is gone, their future begins and she’s afraid of that. They kiss and the spark ignites. That’s not a euphemism. The spark really ignites.

Regina says she’s going to hunt down Dark Emma and show her what dark magic is really like. Sounds like a plan. Regina says the reason she has the dagger is that she’s the only one who can do what needs to be done.

Hook says his hook has magic left over and he releases Zelena. Poof! she changes her outfit into something more stylish. That’s definitely what I’d do first.

Dark Emma says she doesn’t need saving and that Regina will be better off without Zelena. Regina is like, knock it off, and Dark Emma freeze frames everyone.

Zelena and Hook go to the house. Zelena tells him good luck with the Emma thing and leaves. Hook rifles through some drawers and then takes a painting off the wall. Dark Emma enters and he zaps her into dropping the sword and freezes her feet. Zelena comes back and stabs Hook. WTF? She’s brought the dreamcatcher and wants to return the memories Dark Emma stole.

Back at the diner, Merlin says it’s time to destroy the darkness once and for all. Emma brings out the flame and they put Excalibur back together. Almost. Hook falls down bleeding. Emma says he’d had a small cut from Excalibur but it was just a scratch. Apparently not. Merlin says there’s nothing they can do, but Emma doesn’t believe it, and spirits Hook away to a field of flowers. He says she has to let him go. He says he doesn’t think he can fight the darkness another time. He expires and I’m annoyed because I really liked him.

All kinds of weird black thingies come out of Merlin and then out of the still broken Excalibur. They also come out of the sewer cap to the underworld and form a hooded figure. It’s Hook.

Emma says that the only way to destroy the darkness was to kill Zelena. Hook is pissed off and Zelena asks if he’s ready to be all dark. He says first they need to take care of Dark Emma, who I’m not sure is dark or not at this point.

Arthur pops back into Camelot and Zelena is waiting in a cool, sparkly witch’s outfit. He says there’s something that can help them in another land, DunBroch, which just happens to be where Merida is.

Merida is at her father’s grave and says she’s finally proved to the clans that she’s fit to be their queen, but the hard part comes in ruling over them. Her mother approaches and says she misses him too, but it’s time for the coronation.

Earlier in DunBroch, King Fergus is in a witch’s cabin. He says he needs some magic to lead the clans in victory over the invaders. As Rumpel has told us repeatedly, magic always comes with a price. The witch says she doesn’t need anything right now but she’ll take an IOU. And we know how that always turns out.

She does that whole eye of newt thing, her cauldron bubbles, and a helmet emerges. She says if he wears the helmet into battle, he’ll get exactly what he wants. That’s a little vague, which usually causes a problem later too.

At Merida’s coronation, before the crown can be put on her head, the witch shows up with the IOU. What did I just say? She says that the king died before he could pay her and she wants either lots of gold or the helmet back. Merida says she doesn’t have either and the witch says if she doesn’t find it by tomorrow, she’s turning everyone into bears. What’s up with that bear thing?

Merida says whoever killed her father has the helmet.

Earlier in DunBroch. Merida is on the battlefield with her father. King Fergus gives her his first bow to carry into battle. He’s also hired a soldier to teach her the art of war. She says she doesn’t need one and then proceeds to get trounced. The soldier removes “his” helmet & it’s Mulan. She says the one thing you need is honor.

Fast forwarding. Merida hunts down Mulan who has just knocked off a couple of good-for-nothings. Merida says she needs her help and gives her all the gold she has, as Mulan is all mercenary now.

Cool! Arthur and Zelena are at the witch’s cabin and a wolf comes after them. Zelena zaps the wolf. The witch says that was her pet and she doesn’t have the helmet. Zelena says no one out witches her and asks where the helmet is. The witch says Merida has it.

Merida and Mulan find an arrow that Merida recognizes and says the cloth on it will lead them to whoever killed her father. Mulan wants to get moving and Merida asks what happened to her to make her so cold. She says that a warrior never lets anything hurt them, which tells us she’s been hurt.

In old DunBroch, Mulan gives Merida lessons in fighting. One of the guys makes fun of her and Merida says she can kick his ass, but Mulan tells her fear is no way to rule.

Zelena and Arthur show up in the forest and Zelena says they need the helmet. He tells her the helmet forces people to listen to you and fight despite of fear. Zelena takes Merida’s bow from her (the one her father gave her) and says she can use a locator spell to find the helmet.

Merida says that her father used dark magic to lead and she doesn’t want to do that. She rides off, leaving Mulan to ponder her own changed self.

In past DunBroch, Merida asks King Fergus how he inspires men to lead him into battle. He tells her the only way is to show them that you’re willing to die first. Of course he neglects to tell her about the helmet.

Mulan takes the cloth from the arrow to the witch’s cabin. The wolf backs her out the door. Mulan says she’s not really a wolf and needs help remember who she is. A cauldron gets knocked over and the wolf turns into a woman. She introduces herself as Ruby, but her friends call her Red. Red explains that she knows of Mulan from her friends in other realms. Mulan asks how she ended up at the witch’s cabin.

In past Storybrooke, Snow has just given birth to Prince Neil and gives a big announcement at the diner. Red is outside the door and Snow asks what’s wrong. Red wants to go back to the enchanted forest. Snow says she’s gotta do what she’s gotta do.

Mulan asks if she found what she was looking for, but Red says she couldn’t find her people. She went to the witch for help and got turned into a wolf. Mulan says she was hoping the witch would help her hunt down who killed King Fergus. Red says she doesn’t need magic for that.

Mulan goes back to Merida and says Red can sniff out the culprit.

Back in old DunBroch, as Mulan is giving Merida lessons, Merida hears the invaders in the distance. She realizes the lessons were just a ruse to get her away from the fighting. King Fergus has his lucky helmet on and jazzes the soldiers up to fight. There’s a big battle with lots of sword fighting. Merida watches from a distance. A knight comes up behind her father and Merida draws her bow. She misses the knight and her father gets killed. The knight steals the helmet. Mulan keeps Merida from going down to the field. The knight turns out to be Arthur.

Zelena finds the helmet in a lake, but before Arthur can take it, Merida and Mulan show up. Merida wants to kill Arthur, but Mulan says it’s not about revenge; it’s about saving her people. Merida asks why Arthur didn’t have the helmet, and Arthur says the helmet he took wasn’t the magic one. Merida realizes that King Fergus threw the helmet into the lake before the battle and had led his people without magic.

Merida fights with Arthur. Mulan tells Zelena to stay out of it. Since she won’t, Red doses her with some sleeping powder. Arthur tells Merida if she reaches for the helmet, he’ll kill her like he did her father. The clan guys show up, and Zelena and Arthur (who seems to be best at running from his problems) disappear, poof! in a puff of green smoke. Merida asks if the clan dudes still want her to be queen. The head clan dude says they’ve seen her bravery and if she’s not fit to be the leader, no one is.

Merida is crowned queen and the witch shows up. The witch says if she doesn’t hand over the helmet, she’ll be leading a bunch of bears. She says she’ll destroy the helmet before handing it over. The witch says it was just a test. Her father had asked for magic to lead the clans, and she gave it to him. I think this is one of those “it was really inside you all the time” lessons.The witch gives her some magic to summon a dead spirit so she can again speak to her father.

Merida thanks Red and Mulan. Mulan gives her back the gold, and says she was just trying to get over a broken heart. She wanted to tell someone how she felt about them, and when she did, it was too late. Red says she ate the only boyfriend she ever had, but she still might be able to help. Merida says good-by to them.

Merida summons the spirit of her father. She apologizes for losing faith in him and he says he lost faith in himself and that’s why he sought magic. He says she was the one who changed his mind when she asked what it took to lead men into battle. They hug and I get teary eyed because it’s a sweet father/daughter moment and I miss my dad.

King Fergus disappears, and Merida says, “Arthur, you have no idea what’s coming to you.”

The next episode is 2 weeks from now. Good, because this episode was a rough one.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta

Cynthia questions why Peter couldn’t be bothered to support her when she made her entrance to her sunglasses event. True to form, he walks away since he was called on his BS.

Tootie is here! Kenya comes to her studio. She also directs now and Kenya gives her props on her career moves. She tells Kim about her Life Twirls On pilot and asks her to take a look at it and maybe come on as a director. Kim is a little hesitant. Kenya asks why she never sees Kim out and about. She says she’s more focused on family. Kenya gives Kim the DVD of her pilot.

Cynthia confers via SKYPE with her business partner, Tiffany. They decide to do a launch party in Miami. Peter left for Charlotte (where his side honey is) before Cynthia got home. She tells Tiffany about the issues she’s having with Peter. She says it’s exhausting pretending everything is okay in public. She says she consumes herself with work and when she thinks about the personal stuff, it’s overwhelming. Tiffany tells her she has to deal with it.

Porsha (who spells her name wrong, so I’ve been spelling it wrong) thinks she’s going to build a brand that rivals several Jessicas (Simpson, Biel, Alba, all of them). She wants to throw a “sip and see” for her new boyfriend. What?  Is she dating an infant?

Phaedra goes to a tea shop and meets Cynthia there. While they’d had an altercation last season, Phaedra says she’s going to let bygones be bygones because that’s what I good Christian woman does. I’m eating dinner late and I choke on my spaghetti. Phaedra asks what’s up with Peter and Cynthia gets cagey. Phaedra says everyone attacked her when she was down about Apollo. Not down with, about. Cynthia says she’s sorry for her part in anything. In her individual interview, Phaedra says she’s committed to supporting Cynthia, but she’s not going to forget the things she said.

Sheree is showing Kandi her clothing operation. Sheree asks what’s up with Kenya. Kandi says Kenya took some getting used to, but she’s okay with Kenya now. They move on to talking about Cynthia and Peter and the sunglasses event.

Kim says she loves being a wife and mother, and queen of her castle. She says red carpet stuff was never a big deal to her and she didn’t even show up if she wasn’t in the film. She’s also launching a maternity line. She’s setting up an intro to her website. After a few thousand takes, she hears the kids upstairs and has to take a break, and then gets it down.

Todd and Kandi get together with Kandi’s employees and a plate of bacon to discuss future plans. Kandi talks about opening a restaurant. The closing of the building is close to her due date, so she says she’ll have to depend on Todd to deal with a lot of it. Then they discuss the baby shower, because rich people who can afford baby stuff always have one for every kid. Todd wants to know if Phaedra is coming because she owes him money for working on the video that never happened.

Thank God Porsha abandons the idea of a sip and see, and is having a going away party for her football playing boyfriend, doubling as an introduction party. Her sister Lauren is pregnant, and when she says she’s 13 weeks, Porsha needs to be told how many months that is because she never passed third grade.

Apparently Porsha hasn’t known this guy too long and is already married to him in her head. Everyone gathers for the party. Kandi says she and Phaedra need to deal with their issues, but in the meantime, they’re being cordial. Entrée Duke, the new boyfriend. Everything is football themed, including Porsha. If Duke Williams and 27 mean something to you, then you know who this guy is. Cynthia says Porsha should follow her heart, but take your brain with her. I guess she assumes Porsha has a brain, but so far there hasn’t been much evidence.

Oooh, there has been tabloid fodder about Duke hooking up with a transvestite prostitute. These two seem to be planning to move in together, which sounds like a terrible idea. Porsha takes a mic and starts blabbing about how great they are together and that she’s making him her trophy man and hands him an award. (“Dude looks scared,” Kandi says when Porsha starts talking. Ha-ha!)

Phaedra gets together with Kandi at her office lounge.  Kandi says they have to talk to get their friendship back to the way it was. She says that Phaedra acted all nice to her face, but it was a different story behind her back. We flash to Phaedra talking about Kandi to Nene. Phaedra says she heard from a third party that Todd and Kandi were hanging on to Apollo’s motorcycle, and the government was coming after her to seize his assets. This sounds like an excuse. Phaedra also didn’t like that Kandi said Apollo should see his kids. She says he’s in Kentucky, and it’s an expensive hassle. Kandi brings up Phaedra still owing Todd 8 grand for the video. What this sounds like is the both of them have been talking to other people when they should have been talking to one another, the balance weighing more heavily on Phaedra. Phaedra says she couldn’t help the way she felt, and Kandi says just talk to her next time. Phaedra promises to talk to Todd as well. Hugs happen.

Kandi’s assistant asks if World War IV is over. He’s not buying Phaedra’s sincerity. Me neither really.

The Walking Dead

I came in late. Daryl has been captured by a band of not so merry men. Actually a guy and two girls. They go to a fenced in area where zombies are wandering around what look like gas tanks. Daryl gets away, taking a duffel bag, and runs into the woods. He gets free of his bonds, radios Abe and Sasha, and narrowly misses getting eaten by a zombie while trying to get his crossbow out of the duffle bag.

Either the car broke down or they’re taking a break. Sasha and Abe enter a building. Abe sees a garment bag with a dress uniform in it.  Sasha is sitting in the reception area of an office, where a zombie is scratching at the locked glass doors. Why they don’t put this poor thing out of its misery, I don’t know. The last place I’d want to be a zombie is in an office. I already put in my time being a zombie there. Abe wants to name him. Sasha gives Abe a speech about being accountable for choices. It sounds like she’s telling him he hasn’t made some good ones.

Daryl doubles back with his crossbow and takes the gun from the guy who was holding him hostage. He also takes a carving the guy had in his pocket. I have no idea why. He throws the duffel bag at them, which I guess has supplies. Daryl hides behind a tree and a huge truck comes in. They demand whatever supplies the people have. They say they earned them and the truck guy says rules are rules. One of the women says the rules are crap. After the truck guys take the duffel bag, Daryl gathers up the people and they hide.

One of the truck guys comes looking for them and gets a bite to the arm from a zombie for his trouble. He kills the zombie and truck guy #2 comes along and chops off his arm. Very efficient. The truck guys leave and the guy who kidnapped Daryl asks why Daryl came back after what they did to him.

While Abe is wandering around, he sees a zombie stuck on a pole off of a bridge, flailing around. Abe opens a nearby car trunk to find weapons and cigars. Wonder what the Bureau of Tobacco and Firearms would think about that. For whatever idiotic reason, he taunts the zombie up close. It’s a military guy and I think Abe has issues with this. He lights up a cigar and watches as the zombie’s movements finally cause him to fall, leaving the RPG strapped to him behind.

Abe returns to Sasha. He says they have everything they need there. He says he likes the way she calls him on his BS and wants to get to know her better. She says he has some stuff to take care of and he agrees. Yeah, maybe they want to take care of that zombie that’s staring at them from behind the glass.

Daryl and company come across a burned down house. For whatever reason (there are a lot of unanswered questions in this one), one of the girls says it’s their fault this happened. She enters what’s left of the house and is about to put flowers the two dead bodies. Already you know what’s going to happen here. She gets bitten and the next thing you know, a grave is being dug. Daryl asks the guy Rick’s usual  questions – how many walkers have you killed and how many people have you killed? The guy says none because then there’s no going back. Daryl then invites them back to Alexandria. He wants to find his bike and then get Sasha and Abe to bring them back. Oh, man. Dude pulls a gun on him again and asks for the crossbow. No good deed goes unpunished. The couple steal his bike and throw him a knife. The woman says “Sorry,” and Daryl says, “Gonna be.” Well, if anyone can make it in the zombie infested wilderness, it’s Daryl.

Daryl almost immediately finds a fuel truck. What did I say? He picks up Sasha and Abe, who is now wearing a dress military blazer. Daryl tries to radio Rick. We hear the word “help” come through.

Nov9

November 8, 2015 – Once Upon the Dead in Atlanta

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What I Watched Today

(random, rambling thoughts on today’s TV)

 

Once Upon A Time

Dark Emma brings the dagger to the rest of Excalibur. Rumpelstiltskin pops out, acting all merry, and puts some fairy dust or whatever on the sword.

Merlin is running through a desert with some guy and they see a chalice with water in it. The guy is like, I’ll go first because I’m thirstier than you, but when he touches it, he disappears, poof! in a cloud of smoke. Merlin is more humble in his approach and is able to quench his thirst. Everything around him turns green and he knows the chalice is the magical Holy Grail.

In Storybrooke, everyone is hanging out at the diner in Medieval wear. Merlin asks them to get the sword. He says blah-blah-blah about love and suddenly we’re back 200 years ago. A girl is there to see him. Her name is Nimue, and she’s seeking revenge on an evil being who ransacked her town. She’d seen him coming and she ran. She’s brought some seeds and says her best revenge would be to plant some flowers that grow only in her town, and for the flowers to live on. This is the stupidest revenge plot I’ve ever heard of. She plants the seeds in a container, Merlin goes bibbidy-bobbidy-boo and the flowers spring up.

Nowadays Merlin tells Emma they need some kind of spark and he wants her to help him get it. This isn’t a euphemism for anything. They really need to hunt down a literal spark. He says he sees two paths for their journey, in one she resists darkness and they’re successful; in the other, she succumbs to darkness and he dies.

There’s some mushy stuff between Emma and Hook, but I miss most of it because I was out of the room. I guess Nimue stuck around because Merlin is telling her all about how he found the Holy Grail. Any mention of holy and grail in the same sentence always makes me think of Monty Python, and ever since the Camelotites landed, I’ve been waiting for the Knights Who Say Ni to show up. Merlin wants to refashion the grail into a sword. Nimue is impressed that he doesn’t want to use the grail for his own gain, so Merlin makes a ring out of a leaf for her. Okay, all this magic and a Holy Grail and everything, and he gives her a ring made out of a leaf? Cheapskate.

Back in the diner, Zelena offers a trade. She knows how to get to the sword if she can have her magic back. She leads them to a crypt. Or it could be a fancy root cellar. Regina says if they get in and out with the sword, they’ll talk about the magic thing.

Arthur is stirring a cauldron and acting like a paranoid weirdo. He pours something from the cauldron over a helmet and it dissolves. He tells his lackeys to go pour it over everyone. Nice. If I were Gwinivere, I’d be looking for the nearest exit.

Merlin asks Emma if she’s embraced her powers and she says she’s done some dark things lately. But she figures if she’s questioning it, she must still have a conscience.

Merlin and Nimue go back to where her village was. He thinks she has survivor’s remorse, but she says she’s just angry. She says if she had his magic, she’d be all over the place doling out vigilante justice. Whoa. What happened to planting the flowers being enough? Merlin sees someone bad headed for his village and Nimue tells him to just hit the bad dude with a lightning bolt. He says he can’t because darkness might overtake him. What’s the point in having magic if you can’t zap people once in a while? For the greater good of course.

Zelena ugly cries about her sister being the favorite and how she’s worried about her baby. Enough to cause Snow concern, but once she gets close, Zelena kicks her across the lawn and escapes.

Merlin takes the grail to a fireplace in the middle of the woods. The fire consumes the grail, Merlin goes hocus pocus and it turns into Excalibur. Some creepy dude comes up behind them and wants the sword. Creepy Dude grabs Nimue and stabs her. She dies in Merlin’s arms.

Merlin tells Emma that Creepy Dude stole the flame that consumed the grail. She’s supposed to take the dagger and ask to communicate with the first dark one. The ancient dark one pops in and it’s not a dude, it’s a dudette. It’s Nimue! Back in the day while Creepy Dude is yapping at Merlin, Nimue (not really dead) steals his heart. (That phrase is always meant literally when used in regard to this show.) Oooh, she crushes it to dust. All righty then. She turns into the first dark one and breaks the sword.

Nimue is like, cool, the first and most recent dark ones, together on stage for the first time. Nimue zaps Merlin. She says any threat must be destroyed and that includes him. She tells Emma she has to kill Merlin. Emma is like no way, and uses the dagger to get the better of Nimue, who says she’ll always be inside Emma & disappears, poof! No smoke though. Merlin explains to Emma that he was able to put the sword in the stone and Nimue’s soul in the dagger.

Regina and the gang head to the round table, where Arthur is messing around with the sword. Regina puts him in freeze frame and says to get the sword. David is worried about a protection spell, but Regina says Arthur has no magic. Cue Zelena, who has Snow captive. Arthur uses the sword to summon Merlin. Merlin and Arthur have a pissing contest with words. Merlin tells Arthur the future is in his hands and to hand over the sword so they can use it for good. Arthur is like nuh-uh, and makes everyone else leave.

Nimue has hooked up with Rumpel, and they encourage Dark Emma to put the sword back together. There is a crowd of minions chanting. Not those little yellow guys, but creepy hooded figures. Dark Emma gets the sword back together using magic chewing gum., but she hears Merlin’s voice telling her not to do it back when she was a little girl. The minions tell her to take the power. She looks the sword over.

Oh good, next week Merida’s back. I’ve never seen Brave, but I kind of missed her.

The Walking Dead

Deanna climbs to a rooftop and watches the Alexandria clean up. She seems pretty freaked out, probably because she really didn’t know the first thing about being a post-apocalyptic leader. She sees Rick running toward the gate with loads and loads of zombies behind him. How she gets to street level as fast as she does, I will never know. Is this a daydream?

Nope. Rick is inside and already giving a lecture. He always has to scold everyone before he gives instructions. He says the others on the quarry mission know what they’re doing and the Alexandrians have to do their part and keep real freaking quiet so the zombies go away. Aaron goes on all about how Rick is a loser, then admits that he – Aaron, not Rick — is the jerk who led the Wolfs to Alexandria. I have no idea what he’s trying to say here. They’re all screw ups?

Jessie is digging graves when Rick tells her they don’t bury killers inside the walls. So they’ll just leave the bodies sit and stink until the zombies finally go away? Not a plan.

A small crowd is gathered by the food supply area. They don’t want to ration because they figure they’re dead anyway. They want to whoop it up on those canned peaches and green beans. Spencer gives them a what-do-you-think-you’re-doing? talk, and makes it okay again.

A few of the Alexandrians are making a memorial wall. Aaron sees Glenn’s name on it, and sees Maggie off and running. She’s gearing up for a rescue mission and Aaron says he’s going to help.

Deanna is pondering her wedding ring. She starts making a plan for a garden and some expansion, but maybe there’s more to it than that. Upstairs, she hears Spencer break a glass. He’s been hitting a bottle of liquor he swiped from the pantry, saying that he deserves it after stopping a run on the food. He blames Deanna for the position they’re in, saying she didn’t know what she was doing and made them into wimps.

Carl asks Ron if he’s seen Enid. He wants Ron’s help to climb over the wall and go find her. Ron says that he told her not to go out there, and he’s not going to let Carl go. I have to agree that now is probably not the best time with 10,000 zombies out there. Carl punches Ron out, but Ron says nyah-nyah, he’s going to tell.

Jessie goes to the door of a house and a zombie scares the ever-lovin’ hell out of all of us. She opens the door and stabs it in the eye. She tells the small group who has gathered, that this is the way it goes now and if they don’t fight, they die. The new normal.

Aaron shows Maggie a way to go under the wall. They go through a sewer tunnel and a couple of sewage zombies come out of nowhere. One almost eats Maggie and Aaron dispatches them. Maggie tells him he should go back because a cut on his head needs stitches, but he’s all like, it’s nothing, pay no attention to that blood dripping down my face.

Shrink turned medical doctor, Denise, is trying to help a bite victim. She has a eureka-I-found-it moment.

Rick can’t get ahold of any of the others who were on the quarry mission. Ron tells Rick about stopping Carl from leaving. Rick wants to check on Carl, and Ron says he’ll watch for the others while Rick is gone. He also wants to learn to shoot and RIck hands him a gun and says, practice now.

Tara asks how the bitten guy is and Denise responds by giving her a big kiss on the mouth, singing It’s the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine), and saying it sucks. I have no clue what the kiss was all about, if anything, I have even less of a clue about what happened in the infirmary.

Maggie and Aaron get to the end of the pipe where there’s a gate. There are zombies outside, and Aaron wants to chance it, but Maggie makes a stink, drawing the zombies’ attention. She says it’s over and that if she’d gone with Glenn, she might have been able to save him; but if he was alive, she thinks he would have let her know by now. Really? How? I believe he’s dead, but for argument’s sake, if he wasn’t, how is he supposed to call?

Amy’s son, Sam, won’t come downstairs for cookies, so something is definitely wrong. He says that the world didn’t change upstairs. That’s a very poignant point.

Deanna is on her way somewhere with tray of glass bottles, gets a zombie surprise and drops the tray. Picking up a broken bottle, she attacks the zombie like a contestant on Bad Girls Club. Rick comes along and tells her she can stop now and she says she wants to live and learn how to cut a zombie bitch.

Maggie takes Glenn’s name off the wall. Aaron tells her that Aaron can be a girl’s name too, depending on how it’s spelled. Apparently, Maggie is pregnant, but I blinked and missed that part. Spencer gets props for something brave he did and contemplates his new bad assness. Rick says something to Jessie about not wanting to bury the bodies because the others are still out there somewhere and I don’t get the connection. He and Jessie get romantic and I gag.

Deanna is getting awfully close to the fence and taunting the zombies. Bad zombies!

We end with seeing blood dripping down on the inside of one of the walls.

Do the actors on this show go home all depressed or do they just head straight for the bar?

The Real Housewives of Atlanta

Kandi is pregnant. Excitement abounds for the Burusses!

Portia comes by to visit Phaedra, and they’re both wearing outfits from the late 70s. Phaedra says they’re bestest friends now because Portia has been “a rock” for her. More like Portia has rocks in her head and we’ll see how long this lasts. Phaedra says she and Apollo are “cordial,” which I assume means she’s going to divorce him any minute now. Portia is dating a 24-year-old, which is about 10 years older than her age mentally, but there are laws to consider.

Cynthia says since the new opening of whatever venture Peter is getting into now, they only spend 3 days a week together. That’s 3 days a week more than I’d want to spend with him. Some kind of inappropriate something from Peter comes through on Phaedra’s phone.

It’s a video of Peter copping a feel that’s making the rounds. Cynthia tells Peter he’s embarrassing her and he doesn’t care. Did she really think he would? He’s saying it’s not what it looks like (ugh! thanks for being cliché) and tries to end the conversation, but Cynthia isn’t having it. She tells him he needs to think about what he’s done and puts him in time out with a bottle of wine.

Portia’s new squeeze, Duke, has flown in from Buffalo where he plays football. Portia says he’s really into her and wants to get to know her. If she wants to keep him, she probably shouldn’t let that happen. She feeds him chocolate covered strawberries and it’s one of the least romantic things I’ve ever seen. She wants him to meet her parents. Let’s just review, shall we? This is the same woman whose grandfather was a big name in the Civil Rights Movement, but thought the Underground Railroad was a real train. Unless you want to spend endless time pampering a pseudo princess who has no IQ whatsoever, Portia is not for you.

Commercial break. Brooks Ayers interview by Andy. Thursday at 9. Be there or be square. Unless, unlike me, you have a life.

Kenya is showing Cynthia her new home in Atlanta. Sheree Whitfield (is she still using that last name?) is one of her neighbors and back on the show. They drive past her house, which looks like an amazing little castle, but not quite finished. Kenya’s house looks like some kind of dilapidated fortress. She got it at foreclosure and it needs a lot of work. The property is gorgeous though. The Million Dollar Listing guys would definitely call this a tear down. What happened to Gone with the Wind fabulous?

Phaedra says Apollo has a lot of time to get on her nerves – even from prison. Ha-ha! I’ll bet. Kandi and Todd have been storing his stuff. Todd says that Apollo claims to have not seen the kids since he went into the slammer, which isn’t how Phaedra has been presenting things. My guess is that Phaedra makes it up as she goes along. Something is so off about her. She was supposed to release a workout DVD that Todd produced, and so far, no DVD and no paycheck either. Todd wants Kandi to discuss it with her and neither Kandi nor I think that’s appropriate.

Phaedra’s mother kisses her angel daughter’s behind and says everything’s good because it’s peaceful without jerkface Apollo. Mom is pushing her to get a divorce. I don’t know why she hasn’t gotten one already. She checked out of that marriage the second she knew he was going to prison.

Cynthia has a new eyewear line going on, and Portia is hoping to score free shades. She says she likes when a woman has a business to focus on because then she’s not in your business. That’s actually pretty clever, so I figure she read it on a cereal box. Phaedra calls the group “the shady bunch.” I’d never accuse her of not being witty or lacking intelligence, but I’d never, ever trust her with anything.

That weird Marlo chick is there and hoping to score a free pair of sunglasses in every design. Kenya and Marlo are talking about Sheree’s unfinished house, which has been unfinished for 3 years. The neighbors are starting to complain. I laugh, thinking about how long it takes real estate projects to be completed where I live. That’s nothing.

Peter finally shows up. Blech. I just don’t like him. Kenya seems to think he has something on the side. I don’t know about that, but he definitely has himself on the side, and every other angle, since that’s all he cares about. He and Kenya exchange words about his guilty ways. The worst thing about him is how he gets so involved with the gossip like he’s one of the Wives, but I don’t see him holding a peach in the group shots. He also tends to get right in their faces, which is not cool for a man to do.

Everyone’s wondering where Cynthia is, when she makes a grand entrance in a Cleopatra-type outfit and a pair of the glasses. I am a sunglasses freak and totally support this endeavor. Cynthia is looking for Peter (why?).

Sheree makes an appearance. She’s all good friends with Marlo, which makes Phaedra and I wonder what happened, since that wasn’t the case the last time they crossed paths. Kenya asks Sheree what’s up with her house, and tells her that the neighbors have been complaining about how long it’s taking to complete. Again, if that’s really the case, they should live here for a while. They go back and forth, and Cynthia is like, stop it, this night is about me. Sheree gets louder and starts attracting attention. Cynthia tells her, enough already….

And it’s to be continued.

Tootie arrives next week!

Nov4

November 3, 2015 — Still Halloween in PC, Yachting 101 & Quote(s) of the Week

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What I Watched Today

(random, rambling thoughts on today’s TV)

General Hospital

We begin with Kiki stating the obvious, that Morgan and Darby were off having sex. Valerie doesn’t believe that even Andy is stupid enough to have made the mistake of switching reels, and says Dillon must have done it on purpose. Maxie freaks on Nathan because he knew all along. He says it’s because she would have told Lulu, and we both say, “Well, yeah.”

Dante chases after Lulu, who wants nothing to do with him right now, and I scream at the TV, “Give her the space she needs, you !@#$% %^&()@!!!” alarming my dogs.

Carly has a deal with the lab guy – she has given him a “discreet” room when he’s needed it (I don’t want to know) and he’s going to do a discreet DNA test for her. Please, let this be over with soon.

Poor Lulu! She says she was going to start the hormone treatments tomorrow. Dante still wants to go ahead with it, but she’s like, wait a second, you tried to talk me out of it. Why?

Valerie totally goes off on Dillon.

Kiki tells Morgan that since she doesn’t want him, why not grab the next available thing? (Like Jax. Just move one down on your contacts list.) Darby says they should either get back together or “hit the kill switch,” because neither of them are able to handle the in-between.

The lab guy says he can have the test done quicker than anyone, but he needs Jason’s DNA for comparison.  Carly tells him it should be in the crime database. Come on already.

Sam is whining to Patrick about not having the facial reconstruction finished. Isn’t she wondering where the laptop is? Patrick says both “Jake” and Elizabeth seem happy with how things are, so maybe they should just leave it alone. He says something about a knock at the door, and guess what? Yep, there’s a knock at the door. It’s Emma who has had a nightmare.

“Jake” – you know, forget it, I’m going to start calling him Jason since no one else will. Jason asks Elizabeth if she wants to postpone the wedding, but she says no. They make out on the bridge, but all of a sudden, Jason realizes he’s been there before. And with her.

Morgan says it’s over, and Kiki asks how she’s supposed to react when they cross paths. She says she thought they were starting over, but then he decided to sleep with her mother again (thinking it was her Aunt Denise, but still) and he broke her heart. He replies with a bunch of stupid remarks. He’s such a jerk, even as a drunk she can do better.

Maxie is pretty pissed about Nathan keeping the secret from her. She says they could have tried to convince Dante to come clean and fix it together, but instead he chose Dante over her. Good point.

Valerie acts like it’s all Dillon’s fault that she slept with Dante. She says that he was afraid to tell Lulu himself because she might hate him for it. So he chose another way. He says she’s right. D’oh!

Lulu says she feels like an idiot for having made a big deal over what she thought was just one kiss, and Dante lied to her face when she questioned him. He says he didn’t want their marriage to be defined by one night that he made a bad decision. Lulu really isn’t having it. She says she hopes Valerie was better than her in bed and that it was worth it. He says blah-blah-blah about how he’d thought their marriage was over. Lulu and I both say, so you slept with Valerie instead of saying something?

Jason wants Elizabeth to kiss him again, so he can get the remembering vibe back. I can’t say I’ve ever heard that excuse before.

Nathan says Maxie should understand about keeping a secret for the greater good. She says, oh yeah, like when she kept the Spinelli baby secret and it worked out so well. Not.

Lulu is putting all kinds of two and twos together. Ugh! She says she thought they were closer when all the time, Valerie was taking up space in their bed. He tries again to explain what he thought about her and Dillon, but it’s not working.

Valerie is appalled that Dillon put Lulu in the position of finding out publicly. He says that Valerie wanted Lulu and Dante’s marriage to implode too, but she says no. I don’t know if I believe that, but I agree with her about the public thing.

Morgan asks Kiki to explain how her drinking to deal with things is any better than his sleeping around. Well, for one, no one ever got pregnant from a martini.

HE SAID IT! THE LAB GUY SAID IT! JAKE DOE AND JASON ARE THE SAME PERSON! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

Maxie says that Lulu and Dante had the perfect marriage, and inspired her when she wasn’t being jealous of them.

Dante is making no freaking sense, and now tries to turn the tables. That’s seriously not going to work. She talks about him changing the sheets the morning she got home. She says they’ve been living in two totally different worlds. He knew the truth and she didn’t, and they lived accordingly. This is just heart-breaking. He says he thought he could find a way to be the man she deserved. I’m not sure why he thought lying was the way to do that. I don’t think Lulu is too happy with Dillon either.

Valerie tells Dillon that Lulu is going to hate him forever.

Morgan tells Kiki he’ll drive her home, and she suggests he drive Darby home. Darby comes out with some snacks and starts wolfing down burgers, which is totally appropriate.

It would be something if Jason actually ends up outing himself. He’s still pondering on the bridge. Elizabeth tells him he’s just having déjà vu. That everyone gets it and it’s just one of life’s mysteries.

The lab guy is going home. Carly calls Jason and gets voice mail. Why doesn’t anyone ever answer their phone? This is important! Of course she just says to call her back. I swear, nothing had better happen to her before she’s able to spill the Jason beans.

Dante says he made a promise to Sonny that he’d tell her everything. Lulu realizes that Nathan knew, and that Maxie didn’t because Maxie would have told her. Lulu breaks down crying and I want to cry too.

Dillon gets left by himself when Valerie, Nathan and Maxie basically tell him he’s a jerk and leave.

NOOOOO! I see it coming. I don’t want to look. And I hate Elizabeth with every fiber of my being.

Kiki is driving drunk and Carly is driving distracted, caught up in remembering the various times she talked to nuJason. You know the rest. I can’t even type it.

Maxie goes to Lulu. Dillon tells Valerie he did them all a favor and she’ll thank him later. Probably not.

Jason suggests that he and Elizabeth continue their make out session in bed at home. Elizabeth says it would be bad luck before the wedding and I wish her all the bad luck in the world.

You know how it ends. I can’t. I just can’t.

Below Deck

Last week, we (finally) said, “Bye, Felicia!” to Chef Leon. Chef Ben is back and I couldn’t be happier. Leon is even gone from the credits. Good. Go. Good-by. Go back to your K-Mart cruise line job.

Ben is checking out the pantry and he says it’s like a biohazard. He does a Gordon Ramsey and cleans the whole place. Amy says there’s some more than friends stuff going on between Ben and Kate.

Dave comes through the revolving deckhand door. He was on the first season and Boson Eddie is glad to see him back. I actually don’t remember much about him.

Rocky says Eddie is sending her mixed signals. No he’s not. He’s just sending the “go away” signal. She’s one of the most clueless people I’ve ever seen, and can’t seem to get why he’s not interested any more when she acted like a psychotic toddler in the last episode.

The Real Housewives of Atlanta‘s Cynthia Bailey, is the primary guest. It’s going to be her birthday the first night. I’ve never really felt one way or the other about her, but her husband (who thankfully won’t be on the charter) thinks he’s one of the women on that show and likes to mix it up with them. Claudia from RHOA is also coming along. I liked her a lot and am sorry she’s not going to be on the show any more. Not to get off topic, but I heard Nene will be back. That was fast. Guess she isn’t the star she thought she was and she’s sticking to being a big rich bitch fish in a little pond. I was really not thrilled with her antics last season – for goodness’ sake, she made Kenya look like Mother Teresa – and I’m kind of sorry Bravo didn’t give her a time out and tell her to think about what she did.

The wind is howling, and there is no choice but to wait it out at the dock. Cynthia says she doesn’t want to be a diva, but wonders if they might have a birthday cake “laying around.” The place is already decorated, and Amy says that yachting 101 tells you to give the guests what they want before they know they want it.

Ben says Rocky is actually culinary trained (really?) and asks her to trim the muffin tops. What he means is to trim the excess around the edges, and she actually takes the top off. The best part of the muffin. The joke in our house is that my husband didn’t marry me for my cooking in the kitchen, but even I knew what he was saying. Lord, she is such a moron.

The ladies ask for Emile to feed them strawberries in a tank top and jeans. Huh? Yeah, that’s always been my fantasy too, said no one ever.  More guests arrive. I think it’s a little creepy that they just requested it to see if he would do it. Now get down on all fours and bark like a dog.

Dave is amused that Cynthia’s daughter (I think it is; she’s a teenager) is infatuated with Emile. Why? He acts like he’s 14, so that’s about right. One guest asks for chocolate Pop Tarts. Yeah, that’s what I always crave when gourmet food and a chef is available. Cynthia examines the storage area in her bathrobe and mistakes the crew’s quarters for closets. I guess they’re being down-to-earth, but I’d be pissed at someone getting in my bed and checking it out.

The guests filled up on the appetizers, and decide they’ll have the birthday dinner on the morrow. Ben isn’t happy, but he rolls with it. Unlike how Leon would have been.

Rocky eavesdrops on Eddie talking about her idiocy. Then says that thing I hate, that she “has feelings for” him. Well, I “have feelings for” her too, but I don’t think they’re the same ones she has for Eddie.

Commercial break. Ha-ha! I love the ad for Kraft Mac & Cheese where the guy is a collector and his kid wonders why he doesn’t take his toys out of the boxes or eat the Star Wars macaroni and cheese. I collect Barbies, and a child I once babysat for asked me why I didn’t take them out of the boxes and play with them. I told her “resale value,” and she looked at me like I had two heads. Like the kid in the commercial, I’m sure she thought it was a “room of lies.”

Rocky is complaining to Emile because she needs someone to be supportive. Oh, you mean the guy who you gave mixed signals to? Eddie says she was supposed to keep their trysts between them and obviously she’s not. Rocky tries to pry into Kate and Ben’s business. They both say that they’re friends who have had benefits, but they’re too much alike to have a relationship. Amy thinks they’re lying to themselves.

Everyone is drinking at 10 am. That’s too early for me, even on vacation. Then we’re on to the jet skis, which always mix well with alcohol. I would be swimming all the time if I went on one of these trips. They go to shore for lunch, and Emile comes along. They keep asking him his opinion about tchotchkes in the gift shop and it’s obvious he couldn’t care less.

The ladies want Southern comfort food for dinner (meaning food from the South, not the liquor) and I’m getting hungry. Cynthia takes a bunch of photos of herself in the wheelhouse, and Captain Lee does a few poses with the ladies. He says some guest requests are better than others. The guests would also like a cat, so Connie dresses up like one. I guess these people are having fun, but that just seems weird.

Kate and Ben are arguing about something insignificant, and Amy thinks they should just “go downstairs and take care of it,” meaning the sexual tension between them. Claudia says it’s like an “upscale barbeque,” and I concur. Ben visits the table and gets lots of compliments, and told he’s going to make them fat from the food they requested. Ben makes a gorgeous cake, even though it’s not chocolate. To me, if it’s not chocolate, it’s not worth it.

Eddie says his one mistake doesn’t define him, and is on the phone trying to make up with his girlfriend. They’ve had a lot of ups and downs with the long distance thing.

Teenage Girl says all the food is the best she’s ever had. This seems like it was a relatively easy-going charter. Amy says the only diva moments and drama only came from Kate and Ben. Although I really don’t think they behaved that badly.

Tip time! It’s 15 large, and everyone is happy. Especially Dave who says he’s missed the cash tips.

Ben says he doesn’t want fear from Rocky, but respect. He apologizes about being annoyed over the muffin tops. That’s nice, but seriously, a monkey would have known better. The crew goes out to dinner on shore. Connie says that Rocky is good at being a mermaid, but other than that, she’s annoying. And she’s being pretty annoying right now, being really loud with explaining drinks with dirty names.

When they get back to the boat, Eddie brushes her off. She says that even if he doesn’t want to be with her, he should at least respect her. No comment.

Next week, Rocky says she’s going crazy (I think she got there a while ago) and spills it to everyone about her and Eddie. Emile looks like he doesn’t react too well. Because he’s 14.

The People’s Couch Quote of the Week

Again, a toss-up.

Leah Remini doesn’t need a costume. She already survived the Scientology horror movie. — Scott while watching Dancing with the Stars, the Halloween episode.

She’s Crocodile Dundee’s daughter. — One of the Resnick girls, referring to Bindi Irwin on DWTS.

Stay tuned for If Loving You is Wrong with tomorrow’s post.

Aug30

August 28, 2015 – GH & Bravo Bits

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What I Watched Today

(random, rambling thoughts on today’s TV)

 Ok, so I’m late.

The People’s Couch

A true dream job, being filmed watching TV with your friends and getting paid for it. What the blip happened to that show? It was so funny and I was starting to feel like I knew those people. Now they don’t call, they don’t write…

Friday’s General Hospital

Ok. Let’s take an informal poll. Who hasn’t been a visitor at the jail yet? Silas. Oh, that’s right, he’s dead. It was good of Morgan to break up with Ava “face to face,” but I’m not applauding too hard, since what was he going to do? Send her a text? Call her? Although they probably all have cell phones in that jail too.

All right, I’ll go see The Perfect Guy if they stop showing the commercial every 5 minutes. Isn’t there something they can do to rotate this stuff better? One time, a friend and I were watching The Brain That Wouldn’t Die, one of those hysterically funny because it’s bad horror films, and they showed the exact same commercials every single break through the entire movie. We almost called the station. It reminded me of the time another friend accidentally put a subway token in a bar jukebox and it played the flip side of what she’d selected (Cherchez la Femme) over and over and over, until another patron finally walked over and gave the jukebox a serious kick. Every time the song was done playing, we would stop talking, look at each other and wait. Then it would come on again and we would die laughing.

Back at the ranch Port Charles, Julian is proving that he’s totally useless. Um…once again being picky, but I’ve seen enough court shows to know that they don’t allow litigants to wander around the courtroom (Nina and several other people). This is one free-for-all of a town. I’m trying to figure out what Rick’s motive to kill Silas would be. I’m assuming, if this is the case, Silas knew about the plot to get Nina’s money, but how would Nathan come up with that? I’m waiting for Dillon to say, “I know! Let’s build a stage in the barn and put on a show!”

Oh yeah, Morgan, you need some medication — stat! Normally I wouldn’t say this, but listen to your father. Morgan makes me nervous just watching him. Sonny just said if he doesn’t take his meds, he turns into a wrecking ball who hurts everyone he loves. I’m not sure he’s the greatest example, since he’s not much better when he’s on the medication. Hey, how’d Rick the weasel get sprung? And isn’t there some kind of conflict of interest here? Not that it’s ever stopped anyone before. Too bad this is network daytime. I would have liked to see Nina give Madeline and Rick the finger on her way out of the courtroom.

Where’s young Spencer these days? He’s one of the few children I really love watching. Unlike those kids who are obviously just looking for their cues, he’s actually talented. I predict a great future in show biz for him, or at least in sales.

And I don’t know about you, but why would any woman want to have a relationship with a guy who’d hooked up with her mother? Ewww! I would never be able to get that mental picture out of my mind. Although Morgan’s haircut is now getting to the point where I want to rub his fuzzy head.

Oh ho! Now Madeline is on the suspect list. Did everyone come to visit Silas that day? Might as well throw in Alice.

Random Bravo-ity

I was flipping around here, since my town was being shown on What Would You Do? at the same time.  Tonight, Bravo had a bunch of half hour bits to promote their Real Housewives Awards, with categories like Best Supporting Agitator and Realest Reconciliation. This is a better ploy to milk the shows than saying it’s “lost footage.” I’m glad they stopped with that. “Lost” makes it sound like either they’re imbeciles who can’t keep track of their work or they think I’m stupid because I believe they suddenly found something attached to what we just saw.

While there was a little extra we hadn’t seen before, it was mostly classic clips, like The Real Housewives of Atlanta’s therapy session. I guess Nene thought Dr. Jeff was going to put her on some kind of pedestal and absolve her of all wrongdoing, and when that didn’t happen, she ran. I almost need therapy after watching her all season. She’s a true example of fame going to your head. Man, she got mean! Was her tagline really, “Why be so nasty and so rude, when I can be so fierce and so successful?” What happened? Someone send her a dictionary so she can understand what she said.

Rosie from the Jersey Wives! I love Rosie! Give her all the awards!

If they had an award for Stupidest Housewife, it would probably go to Portia. I don’t even know any children who think the Underground Railroad is an actual railroad. And her grandfather is the late civil rights activist, Hosea Williams. Not only was she not paying attention in school, she wasn’t paying attention at home either. And of course there was that reunion incident with Kenya. Stupid and violent is not a good look.

I never thought I’d see Kenya Moore become the voice of reason, so maybe I haven’t seen it all. You sort of form relationships with these people (albeit from a distance) after watching them for years, and I was proud of Kenya when she stopped playing to the camera so much, and started acting like a real human being. She was truly “Gone with the Wind fabulous” this season.  I was glad to that she got past that Apollo nonsense with Phaedra too…sort of. Although Kenya was out of line in the beginning, flirting with Apollo at the pool, she honestly doesn’t strike me as the type to go after another woman’s husband. Although I wouldn’t trust Apollo as far as I could throw him. As a result, Phaedra seemed to latch onto Kenya as a receptacle for her problems with Apollo. But we all know where he ended up.

And it ain’t the jail in Port Charles.