What I Watched Today
(rambling, random thoughts & recaps from today’s real time TV watching)

General Hospital

Tracy wants to see Finn immediately. Obrecht says Dr.Mays is the best. Tracy says he misdiagnosed her and she wants Finn.

Finn’s phone is ringing but he’s busy doing meditation. Dillon leaves a message asking him to come to the hospital. Obrecht says until he’s fully vetted, he can’t practice there. She says her first priority is the patients. Tracy says then give her what she wants.

Ava is on the phone, saying things aren’t safe right now. She says not from Sonny, but someone else. Paul comes up behind her.

Laura tells Elizabeth about the textbook. Elizabeth says steer clear of the living room; all hell is breaking loose.

Not really, but Nicholas is pretty miffed. Hayden says it hasn’t taken away the love and happiness they’ve had. He says all he knows is that she’s not the woman he married, but a stranger.

Dammit! Breaking news about a lock-down in the capital. The shooter is in custody, so what else do we need to know? It sounds like a garden variety nutjob. Terrorists usually don’t send in a lone gunman. Please go away and don’t come back until 4.

Finn comes to the hospital. Tracy says she’ll be cured and released by the time Obrecht gets the paperwork together.

Paul tells Ava it’s been a long time (like 2 days) and Ava says not long enough. He asks if he can do anything for her and she says yeah, give her the recording. He’s not going to do that. She says because of him she has a target on her back..

Jason asks Sam out on a kidless date. She says it sounds good, but right now, she has to work. Jason says she must be getting paid a lot. She says not at all. Her client told her to let it go, but she can’t.

Nicholas says Hayden took advantage of him. Where? She says she’s the same person she was when she married him. He says no she’s not, and he wonders what else she’s lying about. She says he of all people should understand wanting to escape the past. He says that’s a fantasy and it’s impossible.

Elizabeth tells Laura about Hayden really being Rachel Berlin. She says Hayden was just looking for another payday. Laura says Nicholas has convinced himself he’s in love with her and she’s concerned he’ll overlook the whole thing. Elizabeth says it’s time Hayden was dealt with the only way she understands and she’s calling the police. Laura says that’s a bad idea,since Nicholas has done worse to Hayden than she did to him. Oh yeah, that pesky murder contract.

Ava says when Paul gave her immunity, she was marked as a rat. Paul says it wasn’t his intention to harm her, and that it was the quickest way to absolve her of the gun running. She tells Paul to leave her alone, that she has it under control. He says no, she doesn’t.

Jason guesses that Sam’s client was Nicholas. She says why would she do something for him, but Jason isn’t buying it, so she says it’s really for Spencer. She asks Jason if he wants to be a partner. He balks at that, and she says the offer is on the table if he changes his mind.

Tracy asks why she wasn’t told her condition was fatal. Finn says in less developed countries, it’s a death sentence. He says if it’s caught early enough, it can be treated, and they’re just making it. He says he’d be remiss not to apprise her of the worst case scenario.

Elizabeth says Hayden doesn’t remember, but Laura says the police might open up a can of worms and investigate her shooting. She says it’s Nicholas’s decision and they have to respect that. Like Elizabeth has every respected anyone’s decisions except her own.

Hayden says she should have trusted Nicholas, but she was afraid when he heard the truth, she’d lose him. He says she’s been working to take everything away from him and Spencer. She says he lied to Sam for months about Jason. He says he was trying to protect Elizabeth. Hayden says no, he was trying to protect his bank account, when she was just trying to make a fresh start. She says what he did was worse and suggests he’s lying to her right now.

Paul tells Ava to take his protection. She says they worked well when things were simpler, but he wasn’t who she thought he was. He says they should get to know one another again. He says she’ll land on her feet.

Finn tells Tracy to rest. He says the medication is working, but her immune system is still compromised until the treatment is finished. Monica walks Finn out. She apologizes for Tracy. Obrecht comes by and asks Finn to come to her office.

Sam and Jason come to the hospital with Danny. Monica says she’d like to visit and asks if they’d like to take a turn monitoring Tracy. She says she’s just kidding, but Jason says if she wants, he’ll do it.

Hayden says just because Nicholas hears something from Elizabeth, he believes it. Nicholas says he’s going to the MetroCourt to clear his head, he wants this wrapped up before Spencer comes back from spring break.

Sam and Jason go in to visit Tracy. Sam talks about the magazine and Tracy asks Dillon why he didn’t bring her a copy. Sam gets a call and has to leave.

Elizabeth asks where Nicholas is. Hayden says gone and she must be disappointed because she didn’t get a front row seat. Elizabeth says she guesses Hayden wants to be by herself, so she’ll catch up with Nicholas later. Hayden grabs her arm and tells her she’s not going anywhere.

Paul asks about Kiki. Ava says she’s getting better all the time. He says if she needs anything, don’t hesitate to call. Ava says she actually believes that he’s being sincere, but he should concentrate on his own family.

Obrecht says Finn should remove himself until they get the paperwork. Finn says no thanks, but he’ll be happy to let the board know the disregard for patient care.

Jason is left with Tracy and tries to make small talk. He suggests the pudding. Tracy says the pudding is his legacy. She says when he was in the hospital the last time, he complained about the lackluster pudding and Monica had Cook give them her recipe.

Hayden says Elizabeth can’t stand not controlling all the men in her life. She wants to destroy their hopes of happiness unless they involve her. Elizabeth says she’s forgotten more things about Nicholas than Hayden can even knows. She says he keeps searching for the same woman that he once loved and only comes up with substitutes to share his bed until the right woman comes along.

Nicholas asks Sam to go back on the case. He tells Sam who Hayden really is. He says she swears she wasn’t trying to con him. Sam asks if he thinks that’s the truth and he says he doesn’t know, that’s why he wants Sam to look into it. She suggests he call the police and he says he doesn’t want Hayden anywhere near the police.

Laura tells Scotty about the book she found. She asks if he would know why Helena had it. He says after he and Laura fell apart, he sold his textbooks, but he doesn’t know how Helena would have gotten ahold of it. Laura tells him about how Helena said she’d find what what she loved and lost. He says she’s cracked the riddle and he’s the solution.

Scotty suggests Laura loved and lost him, so case closed. She says they had one than more chance, so that’s a no. He can’t come up with anything else, so she shows him the letters circled in the book and asks if he did that. He says no way, and she says maybe it’s some kind of code.

Obrecht asks if Finn would have the hospital shut down because of one patient. He says that Tracy could have died and talks about Dr. Mays blowing Griff off when he tried to help. Obrecht says it’s an isolated incident and Finn says he’ll be back later to check on his patient.

Paul asks Dillon how Tracy is. He says she’s doing better. Paul says she really doesn’t want to see him and Dillon says he’ll get him a visit somehow.

Ava makes a call saying she has a proposition.

Nicholas says they know Hayden lied about who she is, but doesn’t know if she’s lying about their relationship. Sam says the longer they wait, the longer Nicholas can be exposed.

Hayden says she’s not a placeholder and Nicholas will be back. She says she’s not leaving

Tracy says she knows the pecking order, and she’s at the end of it. Suddenly, she calls Jason “daddy” and says they’ll get ELQ back and he’ll be proud of her. Jason says he’s already proud of her. She says if she can’t get it back, she’ll have to go to Jason, but she has a secret weapon named Rachel.

Ava meets Scotty.

Laura tries to crack the letter code.

Nicholas looks out the window and broods.

Obrecht tells Monica that Dr. Finn will be cleared by tomorrow.

Finn gives himself a shot in the arm. We have no idea with what.

Dillon comes back to Tracy’s room and Jason asks him to get a nurse or doctor. He says they’re having a little confusion. Jason asks who Rachel is, and Sam says otherwise known as Hayden.

Elizabeth says Nicholas is only her friend and Hayden is just mad because she lost him all on her own, and Hayden is incapable of honesty. Hayden says the only man Elizabeth had a chance with was Nicholas, so she wouldn’t let something like marriage get in the way. She tells Elizabeth to find someone else to add to her illegitimate brood. Elizabeth slaps her across the face. Press charges!

Tomorrow, Scotty asks what he can do for Ava, Finn tends to Tracy, and a masked gunman comes into Kelly’s.

Vanderpump Rules — The Reunion, Part Two

Yay! It’s those crazy kids from SUR, back again for part two of a reunion of people who see each other every day.

Andy talks about Gay Pride Day and James showing up with the hell scratched out of him. And it wasn’t from a drag queen. Kristen looks like she’s going to laugh and throw up at the same time. Lala says he deliberately tried to embarrass and disrespect her, especially since it was Lauren who she’d been confiding in. Why Lala is still attracted to this d-bag is beyond me. Lisa is like, this is what I have to deal with.

Andy asks if James’s rivalry with Jax has anything to do with his pursuit of Lala. He says no, but really? Tom says Jax and James are a lot alike. Why does James look like he’s going to cry? Or maybe he’s stoned.

They talk about Katie and Schwartz getting engaged. Katie says it was everything. It was pretty cool how he set it up and fooled her. Andy asks how much longer he would have had if he hadn’t proposed and she says they were about at the end. Scheana says she told him to make sure Katie was looking good that night. They talk about Katie and Schwartz’s sex life and I go, la-la-la! with my fingers in my ears.

Andy asks when Tom and Ariana are getting married, but Ariana doesn’t want to. Tom says it’s like reverse psychology.

Brittany joins the group. She’d never seen Vanderpump Rules before dating Jax and only knew Lisa from the Wives. She didn’t Google him either. Andy asks how uncomfortable his horrible reputation is, but Brittany shrugs it off. She says they clicked in a way she hadn’t felt before. Andy asks Jax what was so special about Brittany that he dropped his harem and he gives her a bunch of compliments. Scheana says she’s glad Brittany didn’t listen to their warnings, since she’s an amazing friend.

They talk about Brittany’s boob job and we flash back to the discussions about that. They’ve also moved from the studio apartment. Andy asks if it bothers Brittany that Jax takes a dump with the door open and I go, la-la-la! again.

The non-internship as sangria ambassadors with Schwartz and Tom comes up. We see the meeting where they had no idea of what place they should even have in the company. Katie says she was miffed because of Schwartz’s lack of commitment to things.

They talk about Scheana drifting apart from Ariana and closer to Katie. Andy asks if Scheana is Ariana’s best friend and Ariana says she doesn’t really like that term. Neither do I. Katie says Ariana was kind of a downer this season. Ariana says it’s hard to come around when everyone is throwing shade every five minutes. Ariana says it’s a toxic environment and it blows her mind that the others don’t notice. Well, they’re minds are probably too crowded with thoughts of themselves. Duh.

Andy asks for a show of hands as to who thinks therapy has changed Kristen. Everyone is positive, except Ariana says it’s changed her knowledge of how to behave around other people. They talk about the Hawaii trip. Tom says the point is, when they were planning the trip, he was attacked about why he didn’t want his ex-girlfriend going. He says Jax had no problem with her not going until everyone else jumped on the Kristen bandwagon.

They talk about the texts that Scheana sent to Ariana’s mom about Tom. Ariana was pretty pissed about that. They go over the texts which Ariana has handy. Lisa has to remind everyone not to curse. Ariana says that her mother believed the texts for a while. Scheana insists that her mother was concerned, but even Ariana’s mother later said that wasn’t the case. Scheana said she already apologized. Lisa says with everything Scheana had going on with Shay, how would she have felt if Ariana texted her mother? Lala says she would be pissed for sure. Everyone starts talking at once.

Andy stirs the pot about the toplessness in Hawaii. He asks why Katie was so offended. She says she wasn’t offended by the boobs, but by Lala’s behavior. Lala says something juvenile. Schwartz steps in and says Katie is a free thinker, but she didn’t like it being flaunted. Andy asks Brittany if it bothered her. Brittany says she already didn’t have the best opinion of Lala and thought it was just an attention grabber. Yep. Lala says Katie should have approached her if she had a problem. Lisa is like, I didn’t see anyone with a top on for 20 years in Europe.

They go over Jax flirting with Lala and telling her Brittany wasn’t coming to some dinner they were at. Brittany says she wasn’t too happy about the whole thing. Brittany says she just wanted to know what was going on, since she was turning her whole life upside down for him. Lala says the worst thing was Jax lying right to her face. Brittany defends her defense of Jax at the time, saying she didn’t know Lala at all. Lala says if they’d wanted to sleep together, they would have, and Jax says it didn’t happen, so let’s drop it.

Andy says he’s sure Jax is tired of telling the story, but what was up with the sunglasses? Jax says it was the last day, they went on a booze cruise, he went through a store on his way back and grabbed the glasses. He says they hunted him down and he thought just giving the sunglasses back would make everything okay. Andy asks what Jax has been arrested for in the past. He says he’s been in jail about five times, but not for anything major, just stupid stuff. Andy asks Lisa why she didn’t fire Jax. She says she didn’t want to kick him when he was down. James brings up Jax stealing from the restaurant, like he doesn’t wolf down free liquor.

Jax says he’s far from perfect and needs guidance. Tom says he needs to remember the past guilt before he does the next idiotic thing. Jax says he has a wonderful girlfriend now and has changed his stance on marriage…somewhat. Tom says maybe he can steal Brittany a wedding ring. Ha-ha! Brittany says they bring out the best in each other, and even I have to admit, she makes Jax a better person. Brittany exits, and it’s time for Stassi to make an appearance.

They go over the work Stassi’s had done. Andy asks how it was coming back. She pretty quickly tells James she hopes he watched his own scenes because the way he talks to women is despicable. James says his temper just leads him to have a nasty mouth and that he aspires to be a gentleman. Stassi says if he doesn’t acknowledge what he’s doing is wrong, he’ll never change. He smack talks Kristen and she says being in the same room is making her skin crawl.

Andy brings up that when Stassi was last there, she never wanted to see any of them again, yet she humbled herself when she came back. She says she realized how much hatred and anger she had, and that she was only hurting herself. Jax says she went after Kristen first because Kristen is the weakest link.

Andy brings up Stassi crashing on Kristen’s couch and Tom says the timing was interesting. Stassi says no matter what she says, he finds fault. Tom says it doesn’t have to do with bashing her, but he’s protective of his friends. Lisa interjects that just because an apology happens, that doesn’t mean the hurt goes away. She says that she believes if the show wasn’t happening, none of them would have heard from Stassi again. Everyone agrees.

Andy says Lisa had concerns about Stassi coming back. She says at first she thought Stassi was being genuine, but in watching the show, she realized that it was disingenuous. She says as soon as the cameras were rolling, she trash talked Lisa. Andy asks if she feels like she owes Lisa anything and Stassi says respect. Lisa asks about the opportunities she was presented with. Lisa says she begged Stassi not to walk away from everyone the way she did.

Next week, The Reunion Part Three, Katie and Schwartz argue, Scheana talks about old feelings, James calls everyone a-holes and Andy wonders why was Stassi’s sex tape was only worth $900.

What I Watched Today
(rambling, random thoughts & recaps from today’s real time TV watching)

General Hospital

Curtis gives Valerie a kiss goodnight.

Jordan tells Dante the hearing is a spectacle and he should stay away. He says he’s going to support his mother.

Carly tells Olivia about the mayor’s extortion using the health department against the hotel. She says Olivia either drops the lawsuit or the MetroCourt stays closed. Since that’s the only place anyone ever goes to eat, drink or be merry, maybe they can stage a protest using all breathing citizens of Port Charles. A BLT from Kelly’s will only go so far.

Griffin says he’d love to have dinner with Brad and Lucas. In the meantime, he’d like a look at Tracy’s test results.

Dillon calls Ned to come home.

Tracy had a dream that Alan was waiting for her. Monica says it’s just the medication, but Tracy says it’s a message from her subconscious that she’s dying.

Dillon tells Ned they’re getting the results today. One doctor thinks it’s cancer and the other thinks it’s something else, but either way, she’s bad.

Tracy says she has spots on her brain and seizures, but there’s pudding, so it’s not all bad. She tells Monica she needs to prepare for the worst and so does Monica. Monica says she’s not going to let Tracy die. Tracy says she doesn’t want to end up a vegetable.

Griffin says Dr. Mays is a good doctor, but over time even a good doctor can become less curious and more rigid. Uh-oh, Dr. Mays caught Brad giving Griffin the test results. Why did they do that in the hallway?

Dante sees Curtis and Valerie. They tell him about the grand they just won.

Julian shows up at the hearing. Molly and Kristina start talking about Crimson, but Julian has no clue what’s going on with the magazine.

Nina is getting a call from Barbara Walters’s people for an interview. No surprise, the whole Crimson thing is going through the roof and trending on social media. Dante shows up and Maxie tells him the thousand dollars has already been claimed, but there are other prizes to be won. He says he’s there for her and shows her a pair of handcuffs.

Carly says she can get Sonny’s help, but she wanted to check with how serious Olivia is before calling a garbage and sanitation strike. Oh, is Sonny in that business too? Wink-wink.

Dr. Mays tells Brad it was a bad move throwing in with the new guy. Griffin says they all have the patient’s best interest at heart. Dr. Mays says they’re both going to be fired.

Monica says don’t give her that responsibility when Tracy has two sons. Tracy says she knows Monica will do the right thing and not get all sentimental. Monica leaves and sees Dillon in the hall. She says Tracy is just being Tracy. Dillon says Tracy might not say it, but she loves Monica. Monica says she doesn’t know how it happened, but she came to love Tracy too. They hug and the now out of bed Tracy tells Monica to get her hands off Ned.

Dante tells them they were littering. Nina says it’s journalism and free enterprise and Maxie tells him that they have their own clean-up crew on it. Nina says she called because they’re a victim of corporate espionage. Dante says that’s not in the PCPD jurisdiction; it’s Federal. He leaves and Curtis says it’s in his jurisdiction though.

Carly tells Alexis a garbage strike will be effective. Alexis says what she wants to do will be legal. Lomax approaches Carly and says she’d hate to see the MetroCourt lose its five-star rating. Carly says she doesn’t think it will come to that.

Alexis says she has another solution, but she needs Carly’s help to make it happen.

Tracy keeps talking like Dillon is Ned. She snaps out of it and apologizes.

Nina says she remembers Curtis from New Year’s Eve. Valerie says he used to be in law enforcement. Curtis says he can go places and do things the regular police force can’t and the Feds won’t take a case unless it’s tied with a bow first. Valerie says she’ll vouch for him and Nina says he’s hired.

Alexis makes her opening statement. She wants injunctive relief and wants the court to enforce a law that’s already on the books. She also wants punitive damages for Olivia. Diane says the defense will prove that the case is frivolous and should be thrown out of court with prejudice. That means it can’t be tried elsewhere. I know that from watching The People’s Court. The first witness is Olivia.

Monica tells Dillon to find Dr. Mays and get the test results while she settles Tracy back in. Tracy asks if Monica understands and Monica says she’ll honor Tracy’s health care directive.

Griffin says he should take the rap for the entire thing, since it was his idea. Brad says the new and improved Brad doesn’t throw his friends under the bus. He adds that he looked at the biopsy results before Dr. Mays took them and made a copy.

Dr. Mays comes in with the results. He says the good news is, Tracy doesn’t have cancer. The bad news is he has no idea what it is. Don’t confer with Griffin or anything, you old coot.

Dillon says he thought the biopsy would tell them what’s wrong. Dr. Mays says it only narrows the possibilities. Tracy wants to go home, but Monica says that’s a no. Dillon asks what they do now. find someone who knows

Brad says whatever is going on with Tracy, he’s never seen it before. Griffin says he has. Dr. Mays comes out and asks for Griffin.

Nina fills Curtis in on what’s happened with the past two Crimson issues. Nina says she’s going to pay Curtis herself and Julian isn’t going to know anything until Curtis finds out what’s going on. She and Maxie leave for the courthouse. Curtis makes Valerie his assistant. He talks about their next date and Valerie says he promised to tell her why Jordan hates him first.

Olivia takes the stand. Her testimony is interspersed with Lomax’s testimony. Lomax feels that breast feeding isn’t appropriate in a public place. Olivia says Lomax threatened to have her arrested and Diane asks if it was for public indecency. Olivia says it was for assaulting the mayor. Lomax says she was “bumped into,” and Alexis asks how many stitches it required. Ha-ha! Alexis asks if charges were brought and Lomax says no.

Carly takes the stand. Diane asks what her staff told her, and Carly and I both ask if that isn’t hearsay. Something I learned from Judge Judy. Diane says something about it being a relaying of a conversation, and although that would never fly with Judy, the judge says it’s admissible. One of the employees said that Olivia went off on the mayor and almost flipped a table on her.

Jordan takes the stand and explains the legalities of breast feeding in public. Diane asks if there have ever been any complaints and Jordan says not to her knowledge. The defense and prosecution rest. Fastest. Hearing. Ever.

Griffin says he can understand why the lesions were mistaken for cancer. He asks what Tracy consumed while she was in Mexico. Tracy remembers Larry offering her some local delicacies he picked up in town the night they smoked weed together. She leaves the weed part out though. Griffin says she needs an infectious disease doctor.

Curtis says after Jordan’s husband was killed, she and Curtis were partners for a while with the DEA, but it didn’t work out. Valerie asks why he didn’t just tell her that, and he says he was using it as bait for another date, even though I’m sure there’s more to the story.

Diane says Olivia wasn’t prevented from breast feeding and Lomax was only giving an opinion, which is her right. Alexis counters that it might be the literal truth, but the word of a high elected official carries a lot of weight and it’s imposing a belief of what is good and proper. She wants the court to close the gap between the legislature’s intent and the law. Lots of legal stuff today!

The judge says he sympathizes but there are flaws in the case. Carly walks in with a woman and a baby. The woman starts to breastfeed. The judge says a courtroom is hardly the appropriate place. More women and babies come in. Lomax says what’s natural to them is offensive to others. Nina talks about being topless and asks why it’s okay for men and not women. Alexis says by law in New York, it is. Lomax says most people don’t want to see it. I dunno about that. There seem to be plenty of people — okay, mostly men — who want their picture taken with the naked painted ladies in Times Square. The judge bangs his gavel and says the court is out of order. Nina takes off her top and says what’s out of order about these?

Maxie is next and everyone starts taking off their tops. Nina is filming it all with her phone. The judge says it all really wasn’t necessary because he was finding for the plaintiff anyway.

Nina tells Julian that Crimson is trending nationally and she’s going to make the magazine a success. BTW, we are seeing the Crimson cover with Olivia everywhere and of course it’s beautiful.

Carly tells Diane to tell the mayor that if she doesn’t drop the bogus health order, she’ll sue her and the city. Lomax says she has no case, but Diane says record will show that she does. Lomax reminds Diane that she’s her lawyer and Diane says her long-standing relationship with the Corrinthos family trumps that. It’s a win for everyone, except Lomax.

Diana tells Alexis just so she knows, she let her win. The mayor tells Alexis she’s made an enemy.

Dr. Mays says he’s still going to fire Brad and Griffin. He says they’re done at GH and done with medicine. He says he would have figured it out sooner or later.

Tracy tells Monica her wishes still stand. Monica says it’s unnecessary, but if anything changes Tracy can count on her.

Monica calls a doctor she met at a conference and tells him that she has a case that’s confounding everybody and she thinks he can help. It’s Silas petting an iguana. Alrighty then!

Tomorrow, a divorce happens, Nina goes to a fertility doctor and Franco meets with Jason.

Vanderpump Rules — The Reunion, Part One

First, as much as she annoys me, I have to say Stassi looks good with a few more pounds on her and whatever she’s doing makeup/filler wise. She mentioned that she was so thin during the first season because she couldn’t afford food. I understand. The thinnest I ever was, was during some unemployed years when I was malnourished.

Ok, let’s roll.

Shouldn’t Giggy be at this reunion? Andy calls Lisa the headmistress of SUR and that pretty much fits. Lala claims she’s sober. Maybe.

James is suspended from PUMP again. Andy asks Lisa how it is to employ two people who hate each other as much as James and Jax do. James says he doesn’t hate Jax, but Jax says James is lucky he’s on probation or he’d punch his face in. We’re off to a great start! Lisa says Jax is an a-hole, but he’s her a-hole. Only we can make fun of our pledges. (Animal House reference.)

James’s drinking is brought up and we begin with the Decades party. Lisa says he’s one of those people whose personality changes with the crack of a bottle opening. We go down Memory Lane with James lying his face off to Kristen. It’s funny how these kids use old words like banging and boning. I hear they just discovered vinyl records too. Eeew! James is giving us TMI about Kristen’s cheating. I really don’t want to know what anything smelled like, kay?

Andy asks Lisa about how she hired James, and if his main goal was to get on the show. Kristen tries to answer and Lisa tells her to shut up. Aa-ha! in Nelson voice. Lisa talks about James’s mom asking her to give him a job and somehow it moves to Kristen hooking up with James to annoy Tom. Kristen talks about how James lived off of her. James calls her a sugar momma and a cougar. I think she’s a little young to be one of those.

Lala says this was her first real job. Oh Lord, I’d had like five jobs and two apartments by the time I was her age. And I was going to school. And partying. They talk about how Lala lied about being a model when she started on the show, when really it was rich guys taking her to exotic places. She claims she’s lost count of how many trips she’s scored, but she never slept with any of them. I choke on my coffee.

They talk about Jax’s pursuit of Lala. Lala says they’re similar, when they see someone new, it’s a challenge and it’s fun to flirt. Andy says Jax forgot that Brittany existed. Jax says it’s more like he just set the girlfriend thing aside for a minute, whatever that means. Lala says she thought he was single because that’s the impression he was giving. Lala says it’s intimidating coming into a group like this. I have to agree with her there. Scheana says she resents having been called a bully.

Commercial break. the new season of Southern Charm begins April 4. The guys on that show are even bigger losers than the Vanderpump crowd. At least they have their youth as an excuse. Okay, except for Jax. The Real Housewives of Dallas also begins April 11.

Michael Shay (for our purposes, Shay) joins the group. No surprise, they talk about his substance abuse that was a large part of the past season. He says it started before he and Scheana were dating. He started taking Vicodin when he got a sports injury. Andy asks why Scheana waited so long to say something and she says she kept thinking it would pass. Lisa was disappointed in how he handled things in blaming Scheana. They talk about how they had the rest of the group there when everything came out in the open.

Scheana says she’d told Jax about it, but he says he doesn’t remember. Scheana says Jax doesn’t listen. Andy calls him a colander and he doesn’t know what that means. To his credit, Jax apologizes for being an idiot when he went on and on about how it was Scheana’s fault. Andy brings up Scheana thinking that Shay could party somewhat even though he’s an addict. We flash back to some of her enabling. Scheana tears up and says she did the best she could with the knowledge that she had.

Tom says that sometimes Scheana used Shay’s illness to talk down to him. Lisa defends Scheana, saying she’s seen her being uplifting to Shay. Scheana says that she’s changed her way of looking at things and her behavior. Lala apologizes. She says being an outsider looking in, you don’t know what’s really going on behind the scenes. Probably one of the few mature remarks we’ll hear during the reunion.

They talk about Shay quitting the pills cold turkey without meetings. Lisa says she doesn’t get that and Shay says one of the things he feared was her judgment. Lisa says she was angry at him for lying to Scheana. Shay says it’s been tough because it’s been their first year of marriage along with him kicking his addictions, but he says if he hadn’t been married, he probably wouldn’t have cleaned up his act. The conversation ends on an up note, with Lisa saying Scheana is Shay’s greatest asset and him agreeing.

Next on the agenda is Ariana’s 30th birthday party. It was a kiddie theme because she wanted to do something out of the ordinary. They talk about Lala not being invited and Tom going to Vegas when Ariana needed him. We flash back to her telling Tom about her birthday issues and missing her father. Lisa says they’re all ridiculous and should take their relationships more seriously, instead of going to Vegas, which was “built for trouble.” I’ve never been there and have no desire to go.

They talk about the girls dipping into the lady pond, which Lala claims never to have done, and Andy says he’s never been with a woman either. Then everyone confesses everything or not. Zzzzz…. The Toms getting Vegas tattoos is discussed. Katie says she actually likes Schwartz’s “Bubba” tattoo, but Tom says he basically Googled “cool” and came up with the letter “A.” How drunk was he? While he had one laser treatment done, which we saw on the show, he hasn’t had another yet. No doubt Bravo was footing the bill for the first one.

Kristen’s apology tour is revisited. James says it was bs and Ariana agrees. They think she was only apologizing because she wanted to be invited to Hawaii. They go back and forth about Ariana having kissed Tom while he was living with Kristen and Kristen sleeping with several other people, including Jax, while she was living with Tom . Lisa thinks her apologies were self-serving. Probably.

Tom says she got advice from her therapist and has been regurgitating it the whole season. Andy asks if there’s anything Kristen can do to make Tom at peace with her. Tom says he already is and then he and Kristen argue about who was whose friend first. Tom says he’s cool, but he has things to say if asked and a lot of damage has been done. That doesn’t sound at peace to me.

Lala says she thought she and Kristen were good, but then Kristen talked smack behind her back. Kristen says Lala was hooking up with her ex-boyfriend. She says she doesn’t like the things Lala has said on social media. Lala says Kristen is fake. Kristen says she’s the least fake person in the world and Lala says, no, me. Ariana says Kristen can say she owns this or that, but she has no idea of the ripple effect her actions have caused.

Everyone starts talking at once. And using the f-word.

Next time, The Reunion — Part Two, James says Jax is jealous, Stassi joins the group, and so does Brittany.

What I Watched Today
(rambling, random thoughts & recaps from today’s real time TV watching)

General Hospital

It’s time for the reading of Helena’s will. Finally.

Nathan tells Dante he’s keeping mum about Claudette with Maxie.

Talking on her cell phone, Maxie says the real woman issue of Crimson will be even more stellar than the green issue. She literally runs into a half-dressed Griffin in the scrub room and her papers go flying everywhere.

Nicholas says no one is looking forward to the reading of the will and he couldn’t be more wrong. I’m sure I can speak for most fans when I say that we’re all looking forward to it. Lulu, Liz and Laura gather. Helena didn’t get up to the M’s yet. Elizabeth is going to leave, but Scotty stops her because surprise! Helena included her.

Laura asks how Scotty became executor and he says it beats him. I vote for Helena thinking it would be amusing. Nicholas says it’s going to be over-the-top and horrible, just like Helena. Laura says none of them have to stay, but they all want to just get it over with.

Sam tells Alexis that Laura seems to believe in Helena’s curses. She and Alexis discuss Jason’s plaque and Sam am tells her how she cut herself on it.

Andre and Anna are at the MetroCourt. Anna says she doesn’t want to tell Andre what she thinks she found out about Griffin yet. Jordan interrupts their lunch.

Nathan tells Dante that Maxie told him she didn’t care about Claudette and the past is the past. Dante says who is this Maxie who’s letting things go?

Maxie gathers up her papers. Maxie and Griffin introduce themselves and she says she’s looking for Epiphany. She slips on the wet floor and Griffin catches her. Lawsuit! Just kidding. Maxie has hurt her ankle and Griffin says to use him as a crutch. She says it wouldn’t be the first time she used a man for that. BA DUM CHHH! Griffin says she can listen to him now and leave with a limp, or end up on crutches tomorrow. He goes to get dressed.

Nathan says if Maxie changes her mind, he’ll remind her about what she said. Dante is like, that’s highly unlikely to help. Both guys are feeling pretty happy with their relationships.

Jordan says her meeting was canceled. Anna says she and Andre weren’t having lunch, just conferring. Anna says Jordan should know something about Andre and her.

Alexis and Sam get to Windemere. It’s just as I predicted. Video will!

Helena says if they’re watching this, all of Robin’s efforts are for naught and she did not achieve immortality. She adds if you’re going to kidnap a scientist, make sure it’s the right one. She says she can guess the circumstances of her death, but doesn’t really know how it will happen. She says she’ll live on in all of them. OMG – I love Helena so much! I’m so excited!

When Helena starts with the “being of sound mind and body,” Alexis is like, really? Helena, who already knows what kind of remarks that would bring, tells them no pausing for conflict.

Sam is first. To be divided with Kristina and Molly is one cent because that’s all Alexis’s kids are worth. Sam is like, cheap insults? Scotty pauses the video and gives Sam a penny in a jewelry box, telling her not to forget there’s an inheritance tax on that. While that was funny, I actually think under 10K, there isn’t any.

Alexis, formerly known as Natasha (I always forget that), is next. Helena says she’s the result of a lack of judgment on Mikkos’s part, and she wants to be remembered always. Scotty gives Alexis a locked box.

Dante tells Nathan the he and Lulu’s divorce papers brought them back together. He says they’re not moving back in together yet, but they’re moving forward. Nathan says he’s sure they’ll work it out. Dante says as long as they’re open and honest with each other, they have a shot. He says he’s not making a comment about Nathan’s decisions about Maxie though.

Whatever Griffin did with Maxie’s ankle did the trick. She says she’ll put in a good word for him, but he says keep it between them because he didn’t follow procedure. She says she has the same MO and she and her ankle thank him for bucking the system. Maxie tells him about the real woman Crimson issue and he says she won’t find anyone more real than Epiphany. She says they’re considering doing an issue on real men, and he’d be perfect. And her professional opinion is that he’s drop-dead gorgeous. Griffin says he appreciates the offer, but he wouldn’t make a good subject. She asks if he’s worried about a scar he has that looks like it’s from a bullet wound and he suddenly has to get back to work. He says he’s flattered, but the magazine isn’t for him.

Alexis opens the box and it’s a music box, playing a song from Madame Butterfly. There is also a program from the same opera in the box. Alexis says it’s the last song her mother sang before she died. Further inside the box is a dagger. Alexis picks it up and calls Helena a bitch.

Alexis says it’s the dagger that Helena used to slit her mother’s throat. Helena asks what Natasha thinks of her legacy and says that her mother got what she deserved. She says she grew fond of Alexis and that’s why she didn’t dispatch her the same way. Alexis has had enough and she and Sam leave. Sam tells Scotty to keep the penny

Next is Elizabeth. I can’t wait.

Anna tells Jordan that she and Andre are friends, but she’s also his patient. She says he’s helping her deal with Duke’s death and she didn’t want Jordan to get the wrong impression. She leaves and Andre asks if Jordan is okay. She says she’s a little thrown that a good friend is telling intimate things to the man she’s seeing. He says Anna was his patient before they started dating. Jordan asks if they don’t usually confer in his office and he says they were just talking as friends.

Dante tells Nathan they all have their history and baggage and he’s sorry he made a big deal out of it. Nathan says Claudette wasn’t just an ex-girlfriend. She was his wife. D’oh!

Helena knows exactly what everyone is saying and tells Nicholas to stop defending Elizabeth. She apologizes for keeping Jake from Elizabeth for so long. Scotty gives Elizabeth a box and inside is a handmade book called Jake’s Adventure. Nicholas suggests she throw it in the fire, but she says Helena is right, she’s not a fragile flower, and leaves.

Helena suggests the book be shown to Jake. (Hmm…. I wonder if it will trigger something if he sees it.) Nicholas is next. She’s leaving everything to the Cassadine Foundation and he gets nothing because he betrayed and disappointed her. He says he never became the Cassadine she wanted him to be.

Scotty brings out an easel. Helena says Nicholas thinks he’s clever, but she knows how much of a Cassadine he is. She says actions speak louder than words and to take a look. It’s a portrait of Helena drinking tea.

Nicholas says he knew she wouldn’t go quietly and would want to torture him. He says the painting isn’t as innocuous as they might think. He has a little flashback to when Helena keeled over. Did he poison her tea? He puts the painting aside. Helena says her image signifies that the two of them will never be finished.

Helena says Lulu has done the most for her, more than she’ll ever know.

Maxie drops in on Nathan. She wonders why he and Dante look so serious.

Griffin calls Brad and leaves a message to let him know about Tracy’s biopsy. Anna comes out of the elevator and runs into him. He seems to be in everyone’s way today.

Elizabeth looks at the book. It talks about a boy named Jake going into the woods, meeting an old woman and having an adventure, but we don’t see most of it.

Sam and Alexis go back to the bar and get stiff drinks. Alexis says there’s nothing Helena could have given her that’s more morbid and cruel, but it’s the last morbid and cruel thing Helena will do to her.

Helena says she owes Lulu something and she might not appreciate it right away, but there might come a time when her life is empty and it will give her what she needs. Lulu opens an empty envelope. Helena says it might seem puzzling, but she’s smart and will figure it out. There’s writing on the envelope, but I don’t know if it’s important and we don’t really see it. Lulu leaves the envelope on a chair.

Last is Laura, who Helena says had the biggest impact on her life. She says she had a final moment with Luke before he left for parts unknown and she’s going to have a final word for Laura. She and Laura have come to an end. She took from Helena the thing she loved most, her beloved Mikkos, but because she’s the bigger person, she’s giving Laura a key to what she loved and lost.

There’s a key in the box. Helena says remember, it’s the key to what she loved and lost.

Nathan says Dante just gave him huge news. Dante tells Maxie that he and Lulu are getting back together.

Andre has a patient and has to go. He asks Jordan if they can resume their date tomorrow. He says he knows it was awkward, but he couldn’t tell Jordan that Anna was his patient before she did. Jordan says she understands.

Anna says she thinks she knows who Griffin is and why he’s been following her.

Elizabeth gets to the end of the book that says Jake and the old woman had more adventures. The old woman’s last words to him are, “Never forget, Jake, and never tell.” DUN DUN DUUUUN!

Alexis is wondering what to do with the murder weapon. Ebay? She says she’s getting rid of Helena’s trash and tells Sam not to worry about any curses, but be careful of self-fulfilling prophecies. She gives the box to the bartender to throw away, but then changes her mind.

Lulu tells Laura to throw the key away and forget what Helena said. Laura says she hasn’t decided yet, but Lulu has to get to work. Nicholas asks if she’s going to pursue what the envelope was about.

Tomorrow, Valerie tells Dante that her personal life is none of his business, Anna figures out who Griffin is, and Ava freaks out over Kiki.

Vanderpump Rules

Jax is back from Hawaii. Apparently, he’s not in jail. The felony was dropped to a misdemeanor and if he stays out of trouble, it will be dropped from his record. He’s so grateful, he won’t stop complaining and he’s being a complete ass to Brittany.

Stassi has found a new apartment and claims to have her mojo back. We’ll see. She and Kristen chug champagne from the bottle because they are sooo classy.

Jax continues to bitch at Brittany because the apartment is too small. He says being in the jail cell was the most peace he’s had in a while. I’m sure it can be arranged for him to go back if he liked it so much. What a d-bag this guy is.

James tells Tom and Ariana that he and Kristen went out to dinner. He’s still interested in Lala and is just holding out for the best opportunity.

Lala is surprised that Katie invited her to the engagement party. She says she’s going to need a lot of liquid courage. How is this different from any other party? Scheana says she’s more worried about Ariana being there. James has graciously told Lala that Kristen called her a ratchet whore. I can’t believe she’s even interested in that scrawny dweeb, although they deserve each other.

Tom says he’s known Jax a long time. Jax has stolen from him, slept with his girlfriends, talked smack about him, yet he’d miss him if he was gone. Sigh.

Lisa asks Jax how it went and he says the court doesn’t have time for people like him. Lisa says not to minimize it. She says he’s being aggressive and he says he’s just tired. Lisa says the only way to learn from a situation is to be accountable and it’s doubtful Jax will ever learn that. I added that last part.

It’s almost time for what’s sure to be the engagement party from hell. It’s a million degrees out and Katie never thought of umbrellas for the tables, so she borrows some of Lisa’s.

Tom is playing at the after party. Ariana says she needs to have closure with Scheana

Kristen and Stassi have decided to crash the party. Stassi says good thing Kristen doesn’t have self-respect and dignity weighing her down. Why borrow umbrellas? Katie can just use Stassi’s shade. James has been texting Kristen. He claims he still loves her. It sounds like she kinda sorta wants to get back together with him.

Many of Katie’s family members arrive, as well as Schwartz’s mother. Katie’s brother has a man bun and I cringe. I’m allergic to man buns, meaning the hairdo. If Lala really drank what she says she did before getting there, it’s a wonder she isn’t passed out already. Ken and Lisa arrive. Giggy! There is miniature golf and bubble-blowing going on.

Here come the gate crashers. Kristen is all what if, and Stassi tells her to stop talking. James says he sees trouble. And yep, it’s coming.

Katie welcomes the girls, but everyone else is so startled, they stay put. Schwarz says this puts him in an uncomfortable position with Lisa. Lisa says apparently two gates aren’t enough to keep them out and tells everyone to do what they want. Stassi meets Brittany and more drinking happens.

James shows Lisa the PUMP CD. She’s put it on hold, but he still made a demo. Lisa says she’s proud of him for doing better, but if he drinks, he’s going to fail. James says hi to Kristen. Lala says everything about Kristen pisses her off, right down to her shoes. Kristen says James will go places if he can overcome being his own worst enemy. Stassi ignores Jax.

Lisa gives a little speech, giving Katie and Schwartz her blessing. She asks if anyone wants to say anything, and amends that to anyone except Kristen, who gets up to talk anyway. Lala makes faces while she talks. Tom says it’s the longest speech ever and Kristen lacks self-awareness. Lala yells for her to wrap it up and Katie says if anyone is going to be rude, they can leave the way they came.

Afterward the group goes to SUR. More drinking! Selfies! More drinking! Scheana asks to talk to Ariana. She says she feels like they’re not on the same page anymore and asks if Ariana still wants to be friends. Ariana says that depends. Scheana’s been talking smack behind her back and Ariana thinks it has to do with her great desire to be popular and liked by everyone. Scheana starts to cry and apologizes. Ariana says this is the real Scheana and maybe they can salvage the friendship.

More drinking! James is all over Lala, totally grossing me out. Kristen calls Lala a walking STD. Lala says she’s the one person Kristen doesn’t want to mess with and pushes her, telling Kristen to sit down. Frankly, this is another show where it’s debatable who I like least. Seriously, is it because they’re millennials or from L.A. or what? When I was in my 20s, no one I knew behaved like this.

James breaks it up and says enough. Stassi tells Lala she should own it and say she screwed up. She should know better than to argue with a drunk. It’s time for Tom’s band to play and there’s Lala sitting on James’s lap. Good luck getting back together with Kristen now. The band does their video song and Lisa wonders if it’s a comedy act.

More drinking? Giggy! Ken and Lisa have joined the group. James brags about how much weed he ate and smoked beforehand. Kristina says he’s wasted and he curses her out. Jax says you can’t talk to women like that and James is clearly not sober. James tries to get Jax to fight with him because Jax is on probation. Both Schwartz and Peter try to get James to shut up. James continues to goad Jax who wants to punch him in the face, and Lisa comes over and tells them to knock it off. Really. Grow the blip up.

Lisa tells James to take a seat. Jax says he solves things with his fists which isn’t good for someone on probation. Yep. James leaves, telling Kristen he’ll text her tomorrow. James meets Lala outside and goes to her house. He so creeps me out.

Jax and Lisa talk about Stassi. Jax goes over to Stassi and asks how she’s doing. They make awkward small talk. They talk about their relationship and we get a bunch of flashbacks. Jax says he’ll always be there for her. Stassi says there’s something to be said for history with people and they started this group of friends together. She talks about him cheating on her and he says he thinks things didn’t work out with her boyfriend and she came back with her tail between her legs to the friends that she dumped. I’m torn between being astounded at how astute Jax can be on occasion and being startled that this conversation went downhill so fast.

Jax says he’s not saying this to hurt her. They talk about Brittany and Stassi says that she likes Brittany, and hopes he doesn’t screw it up, adding that he’s been treating Brittany unfairly. Knowing that Stassi is right, Jax tells Brittany he loves her and says let’s go home.

Katie tells Stassi that she’s not saying they can’t be friends again, but she doesn’t think they can be the same friends they once were. Katie and Schwartz thank Lisa and go home.

Lisa says some have made important steps and gone through dark says and some will never learn, adding the more things change, the more they stay the same.

This was the finale, so next week, The Reunion.

One last Giggy! Lisa and Giggy are on Watch What Happens Live, along with a new Pom from the pound, Harrison.

Sadly, tonight is also the finale of the Vanderpump After Show…sniff….

What I Watched Today
(rambling, random thoughts & recaps from today’s real time TV watching)

General Hospital

Sam is meeting Baxter. She’s speaking with Nicholas on the phone when Baxter walks in. They’re meeting at a bar that looks suspiciously like The Floating Rib, even though I thought they were supposed to meet in NYC. What did I miss?

Lulu asks to come in and Dante says of course. She sees the divorce decree. He says it seems so final, and it is, but seeing it in black and white is different. Lulu asks him to hear her out.

Sonny asks Carly if she’s going to leave him, and she says he doesn’t want to ask her that tonight. I guess that means she’s not in the best mood. She says she loves him, and he says he knows, but he also knows love has its limits. Carly says she’s hurt that he didn’t trust her. He says he was trying to protect her. She says she knows exactly the business strategy he was going for, but she hates that the business causes him to lie to her and the kids. She says she actually loves that he’s an alpha male and doesn’t feel she has the right to be angry about it. She’s angry at herself.

Lulu says she still feels all over the place, but mostly just sad about what happened to them. She says when Dante saved her life, it put everything in perspective and she realized she’s been unfair. She’s about to tell him something important when there’s a knock at the door.

Nicholas has ensconced Elizabeth and the boys at Windemere. Hayden says she knows Elizabeth is his dearest friend, but she obviously doesn’t like Hayden. She says they’re newlyweds and it is a little crowded. Why are these people on top of each other? It’s a castle for Pete’s sake. Nicholas says she seems sad and Hayden says she knows how he can cheer her up.

Baxter looks like a character out of American Psycho. Sam says she just went through a divorce and attained some big assets. She says she fudged a little, using the financial bigwig’s name to get him to meet her. He says it wouldn’t be the first time someone did that, but who did recommend him?

Hayden says Nicholas doesn’t know how much she needed that and I don’t want to know what it was. She says she called the hospital to see how Tracy is, and tells Nicholas what happened at the MetroCourt. She says it’s left her on edge and he asks when she became so attached to Tracy.

Dr. Mays, Griffin and Monica are in Tracy’s room. Griffin wants to observe the tests. Tracy is like, why not invite the whole world in? Dr. Mays says that Tracy’s MRI confirmed multiple brain lesions, which could indicate more than one brain tumor. They have to determine if it’s operable, but they need to see if it’s malignant first. Tracy asks if she has cancer and Monica says they don’t know yet.

Baxter talks to Sam about investments. Sam tells Baxter that “Rachel” was right about him and shows him her picture.

It’s Olivia at Dante’s door. She’s there to pick up Rocco’s blanket and gets nosy about the both of them being there together.

Carly says she’s angry with herself for looking the other way and enjoying the power without counting the cost. She goes over some of the things that have happened with their family and says she should have learned from it. She says after that, she hid her love for him, but when he kissed her at the hospital and Sonny said he knew her better than she knew herself, she was hooked again. He says now he’s losing her all over again.

Carly says she’s not leaving Sonny. What would be the point? They’d just end up with other people and break their hearts. Carly says she’d crawl on broken glass to be with Sonny, and that’s never going to change. He tells her the feeling is mutual. He says he needs her more than he’s ever needed anyone and always will. She asks how long always is.

Dante tells Olivia they were in the middle of something. The phone rings and it’s the station, telling him Raj was spotted. He leaves and Olivia says she doesn’t know whose timing is worse, hers or the criminals. She recognizes Lulu is worried about Dante because she loves him.

Griffin tells Tracy not to jump the gun on the prognosis. Dr. Mays says someone will let her know once the tests are scheduled.

Hayden says Tracy calls her at least once a week about ELQ. She says Tracy’s goal is to waste her time and annoy her. She says she never thought of Tracy as anything but a minor nuisance, but when she collapsed, it brought back Hayden’s father having a heart attack. She says he recovered and when she visited him in the hospital, he said he’d never leave her.

Baxter says he’s grateful for the recommendation, but he doesn’t remember Rachel. Sam says Rachel told her she ran into him in Vegas. Baxter said he was there, but he would have remembered such a beautiful woman. He excuses himself to check in with the Hong Kong office. Sam says to herself that he might be a good liar, but she’s better.

Nicholas says Hayden never talks about her family. She says her parents are gone now and she doesn’t see any reason to look back. She says she has a surprise for Nicholas.

Lulu says Dante is smart and doesn’t take unnecessary risks, but then she worries this will be the time something goes wrong and she’ll never be able to tell him what she came to tell him. Olivia tells her not to take for granted that someone will always be there and to say what she has to say while she has the chance. They hug, exchange I love yous, and Olivia leaves. Lulu picks up Dante’s wedding ring.

Carly says she knows the world is a dangerous place, and Sonny perpetuates the cycle with the business he’s in. Sonny says he tries his best to keep the peace and that if he wasn’t there, someone worse would take his place. Carly says he makes crime look good and danger look sexy and it’s not. She just wants it to stop.

Tracy is getting ready to leave the hospital, and Monica stops by. Tracy says she’ll be back when the biopsy is scheduled, and until then she’s moving on with her life. Monica says she needs support and isn’t doing herself any favors by isolating. Tracy says she’s leaving and Monica should do the same.

Griffin asks Monica how Tracy is. She says that Tracy is her own worst enemy, so she’s going to monitor things whether Tracy likes it or not. She asks Griffin if he has a second opinion and he says he has a few ideas. Monica tells him to pursue them. He says Dr. Mays won’t be happy and Monica is like, too bad for him.

Hayden gives Nicholas a first edition of The Great Gatsby as a wedding gift. She wrote an inscription, but she doesn’t want him to read it with her there because she’s embarrassed by sentiment. She tells im to read it after she’s gone. She’s going to the office, maybe just a little to avoid Elizabeth.

Baxter returns and Sam says she’s interested in having him manage her account. She asks Baxter to get her a scotch on the rocks. While he’s at the bar, she takes a screen shot of his phone contact list.

Lulu is looking at family photos when Dante gets back. He says it was a false alarm. Lulu grabs Dante and starts kissing him. He kisses her back.

Carly says she keeps thinking about Kiki bleeding on the pier. Sonny passes the responsibility ball to Ava. Carly says Ava is a terrible person, but Sonny needs to handle his own situation without guns. Using what? Balloon animals? Good luck with that.

Monica brings Tracy her anti-seizure meds and says she has to be diligent about following instructions. Tracy says Monica probably can’t wait for her to keel over and join Alan in the crypt. Monica says she’s put up with her for years and if she doesn’t like Monica overseeing things, than tough.

Nicholas reads the inscription: To my Gatsby, Love always, Your Daisy.

That’s the sentiment she was embarrassed about? I’m disappointed. Nicholas flashes back to asking Hayden to marry him. Wasn’t hat like a week ago?

Baxter is telling Sam about Asian investments, when Hayden almost walks into the bar. I guess it is The Floating Rib. What happened to the NYC plans?

Lulu tells Dante he’d said the divorce didn’t matter and he loves her no matter what, and she feels the same way. She says as long as they’re alive, they have a chance, and she wants to take it. Dante says him too. They decide to get back together.

Sonny says he’ll do what he can to deescalate the violence, but he doesn’t know how much he can help. Carly says it’s enough that he heard her. They talk about when they got back together the last time. They make some cute banter and end with I love yous. What is this? The Valentine’s Day episode?

Tomorrow, Lulu and Dante are together again, Hayden tells Nicolas that Baxter is lying, and Curtis asks Hayden if she’s in trouble.

Vanderpump Rules

Giggy! It’s just the opening credits, but omg, I love that dog. He is my TV dog crush, and next to my own, the cutest dog on the planet.

It looks like the servers are actually working at SUR. Katie blindsides Lisa by asking if she can have her engagement party at Lisa’s house. Like a kid who wants a dog, she says she’ll take care of it and clean up after it. Lisa says okay to a small barbecue. And they’d better be gone by sundown. The subject of Stassi being invited comes up, but Lisa isn’t having it. She puts the kibosh on Kristen as well. Katie is like, sorry, Stassi and Kristen.

Tom is getting ready to shoot a music video with his band Charles McMansion. They’ve spent 9K so far, and haven’t even filmed yet. An esthetician comes to Tom’s house to give Tom and Ariana facials with all the works in preparation. Is this in the budget? Tom says he doesn’t want a shot ruined by bad skin. Isn’t that king of thing that’s fixed on the film later?

James and Kristen meet at a wine bar. James has been sober for a whole week, so this is a great place for a rendezvous. In her individual interview, Kristen gloats over being able to drink buckets of free wine, while James can’t, proving once again that she’s not even human. Kristen tells James she hopes his last escapade was rock bottom. Kristen says she’s moved on and she’s happy (with some guy named Carter). They get some food, and as always on these shows, it looks fantastic.

Kristen brings up Lala. James says he’s not even interested in her. I give James the side eye. Kristen asks if he slept with mutual friend Jenna and he says yes, although he’d lied to her about it during the relationship. Kristen jumps up from the table, and won’t even give James a good-bye. Because she’s totally moved on and is happy with Carter. They talk outside the bar. James tells her he’s missed her and how they used to be best friends in the beginning. He says he misses her when he sees that little glare in her eye, and I choke on my cup o’ tomato soup.

Kristen says she’s a real catch, causing me to choke again. She hugs James and gives him a friend kiss. They go on down the sidewalk together, making me wonder if anyone paid the tab.

Kristen has been working on her T-shirt line for a year and a half now. She had a falling out with her original partner, and went into debt, but things seem to be picking up. Stassi has come with her to check on the line. Stassi asks if Kristen thinks that she’ll ever get back in with Katie, and then switches subject to Kristen making out with James in a car. She asks for details like it’s high school.

James tells Lala about the car make-out session. And how they ended up having sex on top of his beloved Beemer. Lala is like, you already have a huge string of misfortune in which Kristen is the common denominator and asks what the blip is wrong with him.

Scheana is at Katie and Schwartz’s place, helping with the engagement party plans. Schwartz says Katie isn’t giving much thought to the budget. She says Schwartz isn’t contributing many ideas. Katie tells them it’s going to be at Lisa’s house, but Lisa doesn’t want Kristen or Stassi there. Scheana flashes back to her own engagement party experience, and how Kristen created chaos with Stassi and says this is probably a good idea.

It’s a busy night at SUR. Lisa is talking to Jax on his break. He asks for Saturday night off because he’s due in court in Hawaii early on Monday. Lisa asks if he knows what the outcome is going to be, but he doesn’t. It could be anything from a slap on the wrist to jail time. Lisa says she’s glad in a way and asks if he’s learned a lesson. Jax says sometimes it doesn’t hit him until later what he’s done and he absolutely has remorse. Lisa says the only thing he does better than getting into trouble is getting out of it. She tells Jax okay on the day off and tells him hopefully, she’ll see him on Tuesday.

Some of the gang goes to the turtle races. Yes, you read that right. Stassi says she’s trying not to be aggressive with Katie in pushing the friendship. When Katie shows up, they share an awkward hug. Katie says Stassi does seem to have changed. Kristen has brought Carter, with whom Katie once had a one-night stand. Figures. More awkwardness. I think Schwatz is a little turned on though.

Kristen says she’s not thrilled with a dive bar turtle-racing date, but it’s a trade-off for stepping out on Carter with James. I think this looks like a weird and fun place to spend an evening. Katie breaks the bad news to Kristen and Stassi that they’re uninvited to the engagement party. Stassi says it blows, and Kristen says Lisa is still finding a way to yell at her even though she doesn’t work at SUR anymore.

Jax and the newly enhanced Brittany are out for dinner. More fabulous food! Brittany teases Jax about it being his last free meal and gets his hackles up. He says it’s not like he robbed a bank. They talk about the engagement party. Jax says he’s not fully on board with marriage, whatever that means. Oh, it’s the old why do you need a piece of paper argument. Well, there’s a lot of legal reasons for one. Brittany says she wants to know if they’re in a committed relationship or did Jax have her move there for nothing? Jax says he’s at a moment of crisis and talking about marriage right now is too much. I have to admit, this probably isn’t the best time to bring it up. Brittany says if you love someone, it’s important to move forward and Jax loses his appetite.

Schwarz and Jax are practicing some golf swings and Jax tells him about the marriage discussion. Jax hates hearing about Tom’s band, so he brings them up. Methinks Jax is jealous that Tom actually has some things going on in his life other than going to court. Schwartz tells him about having the party at Lisa’s place, and how Stassi and Kristen aren’t allowed to attend.

The music video is being set up. Schwartz is there to help and is impressed with the craft service table. Most of the cast is working for free and several of them are Tom’s co-workers. He’s left Scheana out because he knows it will be a grueling day and he can’t afford dealing with someone who wants to talk about feelings. Lala is featured in the video as a straight-laced woman unleashed by a sexual liberation machine. That first part will probably be a stretch for her.

Schwartz talks to Ariana about how she and Tom are being unfairly treated by the others. From what we see of it, the video actually looks pretty good.

The swans and ponies are in place at Villa Rosa. Schwartz is there wandering around and inadvertently lets the ponies into the house. Lisa appears, asking him if he’s crazy, saying they’re going to poop on the floor. She is not too thrilled. Schwartz tells her the party is going to be a “linen and lace theme,” but Lisa can dress however she wants. Gee, thanks. He talks about the food. Lisa keeps telling him how she wants the party six miles away from the house. She adds that she doesn’t want to see Stassi or Kristen either.

Stassi is apartment hunting. Ugh! One of the realtors has a man bun. The realtors leave them to discuss and instead of the apartment, they discuss the upcoming engagement party. They’ve decided to crash it regardless of Lisa’s wishes. They seem to think that Lisa would be concerned about appearing selfish and not ask them to leave. I don’t think they know Lisa very well. I’m not saying she might not let it go, but it won’t be for that reason.

It’s Friday night dinner prep at SUR. Jax says he’s leaving early to get ready for his flight. Scheana says Jax is being too nonchalant and needs to take it more seriously. He hopes he’ll be back in time for the party. Katie tells Ariana she hopes she and Tom can make it, and they don’t have to pretend to have too much fun. Bleh. She didn’t have to make that remark.

It’s time for Jax’s departure. Brittany asks what’s going to happen and wishes she could go with him. Jax says he feels like he’s in jail already in his apartment. He thinks it’s time to slow things down. He thinks letting Brittany moving in was a mistake and too much for him. I think he’s an idiot and Brittany is too good for him.

Next week — the finale (…sniff…) — Stassi and Kristen crash the engagement party, Jax fights with James, and Lala and Kristen tangle.