What I Watched Today

(rambling, random thoughts & annoyingly detailed recaps from real time TV watching)

General Hospital

Robert is about to kiss Diane, when Holly walks in. She says, sorry to keep him waiting, and he hugs her.

Alexis goes to Anna’s hospital room, and says she’s sorry to barge in. She knows Anna’s recovering. Anna says she’s grateful for the company, and Alexis says she just got a call from Valentin. She thought he’d be here. He left her this cryptic message. She texted him back and called him, but it’s radio silence. Anna says, he doesn’t have any choice, and Alexis says, it sounds like Anna knows where he is. Anna says, he’s with Laura and Curtis and Drew. They’ve gone to find Victor and get the hostages back. Alexis says, it sounds risky, and Anna says, it is, but Valentin was determined to go, no matter the risk.

Willow looks her and Michael’s wedding rings, still in the box, and Wiley asks what she’s looking at. She says, it’s a very special gift, but Wiley says, it’s not her birthday. She says, even better. It’s a gift she and his daddy are going to give to each other tonight, but they can’t do that without his help. He asks what she needs him to do.

Olivia says, family is about coming together; celebrating the good times, and comforting each other through the bad. Brook says, today’s a little bit of both, and Carly says she thought they weren’t going to cry. They heard Drew. He’s going to find Liesl, Willow’s going to have her bone marrow transplant, and before they know it, they’re going to be celebrating Michael and Willow’s tenth wedding anniversary. Ned says, hear, hear, and Olivia says she likes the sound of that. And this family is going to come out stronger, because their bonds are unbreakable, no matter what life throws at them. They hear a door slam, and Ned opens the living room doors. Tracy stomps in, asking, what on earth was Monica thinking, planting daffodils all up the drive? It looks like the Easter Bunny threw up out there. Thank God she’s home to put things to rights. Everybody just stares at her, and she says, hello? Isn’t anyone going to welcome her home? Olivia says, welcome home, and Tracy says, that’s better. Brook says, granny, what a nice surprise, and moves to hug Tracy, who pushes her away, saying, what has she told Brook about calling her that? Ned asks why she doesn’t give them some advance notice, and she thanks him for the heartfelt greeting. Michael tells her, welcome home, and she thanks him, and says, that’s much better. Now. What is she doing here? She points to Carly.

Sonny kisses Nina, and she says, not that she’s complaining, but what was that for? He asks how soon she can drop everything and get away with him somewhere, and she asks what he’s talking about. He says, she needs sandals and sunglasses, a bikini and sunblock. Forget the bikini. They’ll travel light. She tells him, slow down, but he says he doesn’t want to. He wants them to fly to the islands and soak up some sun. He kisses her again, and says, they’re going to have a moonlight dinner on the beach, and let the world just go right by them. Is that a deal? She says she loves him so much, but she also knows what he’s doing and why he’s doing it. So the answer is, no deal. He says he just wants to spend some time alone with her. He knows they’re both busy. Her with Crimson and the hotel, and he has a business deal coming in, but he thinks they can carve out a weekend in the Caribbean. He knows Willow is a factor, but they have their phones. If her condition changes, they’ll get on a plane and be back to Port Charles in a few hours. She says, he’s really thought of everything, and she loves him for that. He says he loves her. They both need a change. She says she’s not arguing with that, but she says, be honest with her. Is he suggesting this because he was invited to Michael and Willow’s wedding, and she, very specifically, wasn’t?

Carly says she was invited here today. What about Tracy? Tracy says she doesn’t need an invitation; this is her house. Everyone says in unison, it’s Monica’s house; Alan gave it to her. Tracy says, because he was an idiot, and Ned says, they’re thrilled to have her here, but as usual, she didn’t let them know she’d be visiting, which makes him wonder, why now? Is she concerned about ELQ’s latest share price? She says, if she lives to be 100, she hopes she never hears those three letters ever again. As a matter of fact, there are a lot more important things happening in the world, while they were spending time entertaining AJ’s worst mistake. Michael says, also known as his mother, and Tracy says, her sympathies. While they were wasting time, she was risking life and limb to rescue Luke’s son Ethan.

Holly says, Robert won’t believe what she’s just been through. It feels so good to be back. She tells Diane that it’s nice to see her again… Oh, did she just walk in on some high stakes legal negotiations? Robert says, forget about that. He can’t believe he’s looking at her in the flesh. Diane looks like she might explode, and Robert says, Holly took quite a risk, but Holly says, it was worth it. There’s nothing Victor can hold over her head anymore, but he already knew that, didn’t he? He says, Felicia went down South America on an errand, according to Mac. He never heard any more after that. He’s assuming the two of them found Ethan and set him free. She says, it took more than the two of them. They ended up needing some extra help and got it from the most unexpected source.

Olivia asks if Tracy took on Victor Cassadine’s goons all by herself, and Tracy says, it started out as a solo mission. Then she ultimately got a little help. Carly asks if she’s saying she found Victor. Where is he? Was she able to stop him? Tracy says, he was unfortunately not at the auction, so much to her dismay, she didn’t get to put an end to his miserable life.

Robert says, Tracy Quartermaine is back in town? That explains the creepy feeling he got this morning, like something was crawling over his grave. Holly says, she and Felicia were able to locate Ethan, but if it weren’t for Tracy and her sizeable bank account, Ethan would still have a bullseye on his back. Fortunately, Tracy came through for Ethan, so there’s no reason to hide anymore. Ethan’s free, and so is she. Diane says, at some point, she has to ask Holly who her plastic surgeon is, because she sees no traces of burns or even a scar. In fact, she looks good as new. Holly says she realizes that she has some explaining to do, but Diane says, let’s see if I’ve got it. Holly fooled Victor into thinking she was toast, literally, in that cabin fire. Of course (🍷) this was after Diane had been duped into thinking Holly had drugged Robert’s drink so she could steal the Ice Princess. In other words, for Holly’s brilliant plan to succeed, she needed a witness – otherwise known as a stooge – and Diane was cast in the role.

Anna says, Valentin texted her right before he got on the plane? and Alexis says she’s sure Valentin was thinking about Anna. She’s also sure Anna is wondering why, at such a fraught moment, he was thinking about her, so she’ll just let Anna see for herself. She hands Anna her phone, and Anna reads: I must be quick. I don’t know where or when… or if I’ll be coming back. But as the executor of my will… Anna says she didn’t know Alexis was the executor of Valentin’s will, and Alexis says, keep reading. Anna continues: I trust you will make sure Charlotte is well taken care of and loved. I’ll be CC’ing Martin on this too. Gotta go. She hands the phone back to Alexis, and thanks Alexis for showing it to her. Alexis says, of course (🍷). Anna and Valentin are a real thing. That’s nice. Anna says, if she wasn’t stuck in this bed, she’d be with him. She’d have his back, but she can’t, and it feels awful not being able to do anything. Alexis says, it’s awful when you feel powerless. Like when you feel like you’re failing someone when they need you. Anna says, Alexis isn’t failing Valentin though… She guesses that’s not what Alexis means. If Alexis wants to talk about anything, she’s not going anywhere. Alexis thanks her, but says, it’s not her story to tell. She is worried about Valentin, but the two of them have learned to trust each other. It’s funny, because she used to lump him into being one of the horrible, homicidal Cassadines, but it turns out, he’s one of the good ones. She thinks it’s because of Anna. Anna says she thinks they’ve changed each other, for the better.

Robert tells Diane that he apologizes if she feels used; that wasn’t the intent. Holly says, Diane is right. They needed an unimpeachable witness, or Victor never would have believed she’d stolen the necklace. All she can say in her defense is, it bought her time to find her son and kept the real necklace out of Victor’s hands. Diane says, until now. Don’t get her wrong. She’s thrilled Holly’s son is safe, and that fire was as fake as the necklace Holly tried to pass off as the real thing, but their brilliant plan didn’t prevent Victor from getting his hands on the actual Ice Princess and keep him from taking all those hostages. Word of advice. Nex time, trust her a little more and use her a little less. She picks up her coat and bag, and Robert says, let him walk her to her car. Diane says, that’s special. She can find her car by herself, thank you. She leaves, and Holly asks if it’s her imagination, or did Diane take that rather personally?

Sonny tells Nina that he didn’t plan this getaway because he feels guilty. If anything, he wants to thank her. She says, for what? and he says, for urging him to go to the wedding when she can’t. She tells him not to give her too much credit, but he says he knows how important it is for her to have a daughter, and how much she wants to go to the wedding. But instead of being resentful and bitter, she put Willow first. Nina only cares about her. Nina flashes back to Carly saying, all she cares about is that Willow is hers. No wonder Willow doesn’t want to be around her. Nina just wants to blame it all on her. Nina tells Carly that it’s her fault she doesn’t have time to earn Willow’s forgiveness. They’re running out of time because her daughter’s dying. Nina tells Sonny not to make her out to be a saint; she’s far from it. She’s glad Michael put his anger aside, at least for the day, for Willow. There’s no promise for tomorrow for any of them, but she truly wants this to be the happiest day of her daughter’s life. He says, it will be, and they hug.

Willow tells Wiley, how it works is, she gives one ring to daddy, and he gives one ring to her. And it means they promise to love each other until… He says, until when? and she says, until forever, but like she was saying, they need his help. So before Uncle Drew walks her down the aisle to stand beside his daddy, the flower girls, Avery and Donna, will go first, and he’ll follow them, carrying the rings. Does he think he can do that? Wiley says, whatever she needs, and she says she knew she could count on him. He asks if he has to wear a tie, and she says, he gets to wear one. That’s because he’s a big boy now and mommy can count on him. He says, until forever, and she says, yes, until forever.

Tracy adjusts a lamp, and Olivia asks how long this little visit might last. Ned tells Tracy not to let them keep her. They know what kind of whirlwind life she leads. Here today, gone tomorrow. Tracy asks what she walked in on, and Michael says, there’s actually going to be a wedding tonight. Tracy says, a family wedding and she wasn’t invited? Who’s getting married? Michael says, him and Willow, and Tracy laughs, and says, because the first one was such a rousing success? He says, the first time they got married, they weren’t in love. They were just trying to protect Wiley from Nelle. Tracy says, not her fault Monica left that out of the Christmas letter, and Michael says, the point is, now they’re so very much in love. They just had their second child together, so it’s time to make things official. Tracy tells him that she can’t say she’s surprised. Serial marriage seems to run in Michael’s family. She can’t count the number of times Carly said I do to Sonny, and then got divorced because she didn’t. Carly says, Michael and Willow are getting married for the right reasons. Can Tracy say that about her six trips down the aisle? Ned says, that sounds like a fun parlor game; counting his mother’s former husbands. Let’s start with her first husband, his father, Lord Larry Ashton. Olivia says, Dylan’s father was Paul Hornsby, and Ned says, then Tracy married Mitch Williams, even though she caught him in bed with Susan Moore, who would later become Jason’s biological mother after her affair with Uncle Alan. That makes three… Tracy says, all right. She admits her marital track record isn’t exactly spotless. Michael says, that’s putting it mildly, and Carly says, as fun as this has been, she has to go tell the bride-to-be about one more shock. She leaves, and Tracy asks what she meant by one more shock. What else have they been keeping from her?

Alexis’s phone dings, and she tells Anna, it’s her friend Diane. It’s kind of urgent. Anna thanks her for the visit, and Alexis says, Diane is usually very unflappable, so she can’t imagine what this is about, but duty calls. She’ll let Anna know if she hears from Valentin. She tells Anna, be well, and leaves.

Robert says, a lot’s happened in Port Charles since Holly was here last, and Holly says, so she sees. What exactly did she walk in on? He says he and Diane were deconstructing a dinner they had last night, and she says, a working dinner? He says, something like that, and she says, at the very least, she hopes it was productive. He says, yes, and she says, the DA and the defense attorney have learned to co-exist. How very modern and enlightened of him. He says, without cooperation, it’s just words, but she says she doesn’t know what that means. He says, there’s no spirit behind it, no soul, and she says, no heart. I dunno. He lost me here.

Carly goes to the gatehouse, and Wiley hugs her. She says, he’s so handsome, and he says, guess who’s going to be the ring bearer tonight? She asks if it’s him, and he nods. Willow says she told him that he’s a big boy now, and that comes with responsibilities. Carly says, he’d better go practice, and he runs upstairs. Willow says she was so afraid this day wouldn’t happen. Now that it’s here, she’s putting all her worries aside, and she’s going to soak up every moment. Carly says she hopes tonight is everything Willow wants it to be, even if… Willow says, even if what? and Carly says, for starters, Tracy’s here.

Tracy asks if anybody is going to tell her what she missed, and Michael says, Willow is sick. She says, all brides get last minute jitters, but he says, Willow has Stage IV leukemia. She was diagnosed shortly after she found out she was pregnant. Tracy asks why he didn’t tell her. And she had phone conversations with Brook. It didn’t occur to her to mention this? Ned tells her not to blame Brook. Michael and Willow wanted to keep this news private at first. By the time they were ready to share the news, Tracy was unreachable. She was on her way to Ethan. Tracy asks what she can do.

Sonny tells Nina that it’s going to be nice, especially since the Quartermaines will go all out since they’re letting him in. She says, the Quartermaines have some nerve, lording it over him. They managed to keep their hands clean this time, but that doesn’t mean the Quartermaines don’t play dirty, especially if their precious ELQ is at stake. Drew and Carly… He says, don’t stop. What about Drew and Carly?

Alexis meets Diane at Charlie’s, and asks, what’s wrong? Sitting with a martini in front of her, Diane asks what she means. She just wanted to see Alexis and catch up. Alexis says she was worried Diane was upset with her because she cancelled their last dinner plan, and Diane says, must be something about her and dinner plans. Alexis asks what she means. What’s wrong with her? Why is she drinking so early? Diane says, if Alexis must know, it’s about Robert Scorpio, and Alexis says, she was supposed to have a date with the DA. Diane says, dinner, just dinner, and Alexis says, that’s her story and she’s sticking with it. Diane says, okay, it was kind of a date, but then he ended up having car trouble, and it ended up with him receiving an extraordinary dry cleaning bill from her. Alexis says, it potentially could have been a lot of fun, and Diane says, okay, they kissed. Alexis gasps, and Diane says, they might have kissed today had they not been interrupted by – wait for it – his ex-wife, Holly Sutton.

Robert says, Holly might have saved her son, but there’s still a lot of good people in trouble, and Holly says, Felicia told her about Anna. How’s she doing? Robert says, she’s lucky to be alive, no thanks to Victor, and she asks, what about Laura? He says, she kind of dropped off the grid with Curtis and Drew. She wants to corner Victor and rescue the hostages. Holly says she always knew Victor was dangerous, but he’s spinning out of control, and Robert says, that’s because he’s getting close to implementing his plan, whatever it is. She says she knows he wishes he could be with Laura and the rest, and he says he feels so bloody useless being chained to this desk. He can’t help anyone. She says, maybe he can. Can Anna have visitors? He says, sure, why? and she says she needs to apologize to Anna. And they both need to hear what Ethan told her.

Michael thanks Tracy, but says, they’re already doing everything they can, and Brook says, the problem is, they don’t know if Liesl Obrecht will be found in time. Tracy asks what that frau from hell has to do with this, and Olivia says, she’s a donor match for Willow. Ned says, they were all set for a bone marrow transplant when Obrecht disappeared from the Nurses Ball, and Olivia says, the police think Victor kidnapped her. Michael says, but they’re not losing hope. He and Willow are getting married tonight, and it’s going to be everything Willow wants. He gets up, excusing himself, and Tracy tells him that she meant what she said. She has contacts everywhere. If there’s anything they need. He’d be surprised what she can accomplish when she puts her mind to it. He thanks her, and leaves.

Nina tells Sonny, it’s no secret how she feels about Carly and her holier-than-thou attitude. And Drew is just an enabler. She’s been thinking about what happened the other night; a lot about how Carly had to be the one to go to Willow and tell her that Nina’s Aunt Liesl was missing. Sonny says, she told Willow because she didn’t want Willow to hear it from somebody else, and Nina asks if he’s on her side. He says he is. Isn’t that the same night Nina asked him to do what he could to find Liesl? Nina says, he did everything she asked him to and more, and he says, then she has to let go of this resentment she feels against Carly and Drew, because it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is them.

Willow tells Carly that she knows Tracy can be a handful… okay, more like two handfuls, but she loves her family. And after tonight, that makes Willow her family too. Carly says, Willow can’t help but see the good in people, even Tracy, and Willow says, she’s welcome to be there. All she wants to do is walk down the aisle on Drew’s arm… What? What is it? Michael comes in, and asks if Carly told Willow the news. Willow says, what news? and Carly says, Drew’s not going to be able to walk her down the aisle. Willow asks, what’s wrong? It’s not like Drew to back out at the last minute. Carly says, no. He has a location on Victor Cassadine, and they know wherever Victor is, Liesl is too. Michael says, Drew’s gone to find Liesl and bring her back.

Olivia says, somebody needs to tell Maxie that Drew isn’t going to be at the wedding. They know how sensitive she is about her seating chart. Unless Tracy wants to fill the empty seat. Ned says, maybe mother has other plans, but Tracy says, no. She wouldn’t miss it. Her wedding gift is going to be her contact list of specialists from Manhattan to Mumbai. Ned says he knows she means well, but if she really wants to help, she’ll make this day all about Michael and Willow, and she asks if he’s implying she’ll try to steal the spotlight. He says, her? Never. Brook suggests she show Tracy to her guest room, but Tracy says she has her own room. Olivia says, actually, that’s Drew’s room, and Tracy asks why he’d take her room. Olivia says, that’s the room with the best view, and Tracy says, that’s why it’s her room. Brook says, they can share her room, and that would be great because they have a lot to catch up on. She hustles Tracy out, and in the foyer, Tracy says, it is so like Monica to give her room to yet another one of Alan’s illegitimate offspring. What is wrong with her? Why doesn’t she just pay them off and show them the door? Why does she ask them to move in? Brook starts to talk, but Tracy says, don’t give her another lecture on this is Monica’s house. Brook says she’s not trying to lecture Tracy. She’s trying to thank Tracy.

Willow says she doesn’t want Drew risking his life for her; somebody has to stop him. Question. Why aren’t they actively looking for another donor in the meantime? Carly says, they’re not going to stop Drew. He’d be so proud to walk her down the aisle, but he’s doing what he thinks is right. For her, and for all of them.

Nina says, Sonny is right. Nothing matters more to her than what they have. They kiss, and Sonny says, don’t temp him. If he doesn’t go… She says, he’s going to be late for the wedding, and they don’t want that. Because if he’s late, who’s going to be blamed for that – she points to herself – this guy. She’ll let it go, as long as she doesn’t have to let him go. He says, never, and they kiss some more.

Alexis says, Holly’s back in town, and Diane says, and even more beautiful. Alexis says, what happened to the… Diane says, the third degree burns? That was all part of an elaborate scam to fool Victor. Robert and his ex work seamlessly together. Alexis says, they haven’t been together in years, but Diane says, you could have fooled me. Alexis says she’s sure Robert was glad to see Holly, but it was Diane’s dry cleaning bill he was picking up, and Diane says, that was guilt. Nice try, my friend. But the more she thinks about it, she thinks Holly came back to town just in the nick of time, just before she risked having a second date.

Robert goes in to see Anna, and she says she was just thinking about him. She needs him to use his connections to track a plane without anyone knowing. Can he do that? He says, before he does that, there’s someone he thinks she should talk to. Holly walks in, and Anna says, it’s good to see her. Holly says, that’s incredibly generous, given what she put Anna through. Anna says, Victor put Holly in a very difficult situation, and Holly sits next to the bed, and says, but she could have resisted. Instead, she helped him frame Anna for a murder that never happened. She donned a wig and Anna’s overcoat, and shot Lucy with Anna’s gun. Anna says, not her best moment, but she used a rubber bullet, and knew Lucy wouldn’t be hurt or die. Holly asks why Anna is making excuses for her, and Anna says she’s been backed into corners before, and forced to do things she didn’t want to do to help someone she loved. It’s called a devil’s bargain; you suffer either way. Holly thanks her for understanding, and Anna asks, how’s Ethan? Holly says, alive, in one piece, and on his way to Australia. When Victor faked her death in Monte Carlo and killed her sister – her half-sister Paloma – God knows where he was holding her. She kept waiting for him to interrogate her, but he never did. He didn’t want her to talk; Victor just wanted her. Anna says, to get close to Robert, and Holly says, yeah, and then one day, he had Ethan. She had no idea where he was holding Ethan. He could have been in the cell next to her or in a compound on the other side of the world, but Victor made one thing very clear. Her son would only live if she agreed to cooperate. Anna says, so Holly agreed to play along until she could figure out her next move, and Holly says, exactly, at Anna’s expense. Anna says, it happened to her, so she gets to choose who she blames for that, and she doesn’t blame Holly, and Holly should really stop blaming herself. Holly thanks her again, and Robert says, now that they’ve gotten that out of the way, they can have a strategy session. He was expecting to see Valentin here, since he’s been next to Anna’s bed through this whole ordeal. Anna says, he’s not here. He’s with Laura and Curtis and Drew. They’ve gone to find Victor. Holly looks at Robert, and Anna says, what? Holly says, when Ethan was Victor’s captive, he persuaded Victor’s guards to play cards with him; Ethan’s very good at cards. He can make any hand come out exactly the way he wants. He let his marks win just enough so they’d keep on playing, and talking, which is how he learned that Victor plans to revive a technology that the Cassadines developed in the 80s.

Alexis asks if Diane is a quitter, and Diane shrugs and says, maybe. Alexis asks why she’s giving up, and Diane says, there’s nothing to give up. She’s just going to go back to doing what she does better than anyone else, and that’s besting Robert in court. He can have Holly Sutton if he wants. Alexis says, what if he wants her? Life is too short to stand on ceremony. If you feel something, say something.

Olivia asks if Ned is okay, and he says, it’s a mixed blessing, having his mother home with them. She says her feelings are also mixed. It’s the blessing part she’s not clear on.

Tracy says, gratitude isn’t Brook’s best event, but have at it, and Brook says she turned to Tracy when Chase was really in trouble, and she came through. If Tracy hadn’t pulled all the right strings, Chase might have never gotten his badge back. She owes Tracy. Tracy says, Brook is right, and don’t forget it, because she won’t. She heads upstairs, and calls down, bag please.

Nina and Sonny almost start getting busy, but Nina says, he’s going to be late for this wedding. He kisses her one more time, and says, hold that thought. She tells him that she wants lots of pictures, and he says, and wedding cake, because it’s good luck. She says she doesn’t need any luck, because she has him, and he goes to get ready. She takes out her phone and calls Martin. She says she needs to know if he’s had the conversation with the SEC about Carly and Drew.

Willow says, since Drew can’t be here, she can’t think of anyone she’d rather have give her away but Carly. Carly says she’d be honored, and asks if Michael is okay with it. Michael asks what she thinks, and Carly says, if she’s going to play her part, she’d better get changed. She goes upstairs, and Willow says, Michael’s mother is putting up a brave front, but if something happens, and Drew doesn’t come back… He says, don’t lose hope. Drew will come back, and he’ll bring Liesl, okay? She says, okay, but it could be doubly heartbreaking for Carly if it all goes wrong. She’s so in love with Drew.

Nina tells Martin, no. She hasn’t changed her mind. She looks around to make sure Sonny can’t hear, and says, just the opposite. She wants him to go all out and expose Drew and Carly for engaging in insider trading. Just make sure to keep her name out of it.

Tomorrow, Sonny asks why Nina was talking to her lawyer; Maxie says, they have a major problem; Ava says, Nina did the right thing; Anna wonders if their friends are walking into a trap; and everything Victor has ever worked for is behind this door.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey

Dolores herds the women out of the restaurant and onto the bus. Melissa says she likes when someone takes over, and wants to drunk dial her ex. In Teresa’s interview, she says, Melissa seems a little sauced. Melissa also sleeps in the next morning, and at breakfast Jen wonders where the boogawolf is. Danielle says she comes in peace, and in her interview, she says, being around these women is a mind f***. When it’s bad, it’s horrible, but they’ve been having a good time, and she’s not ruining the trip more than it’s been ruined already. Dolores says, Paulie’s mom Claire might be coming by, and in Dolores’s interview, she says, she saw this cute little lady on Paulie’s Instagram, and fell in love with his mom before him. Claire arrives, along with Jennifer and Sharon, Paulie’s niece and sister respectively. There are lots of hugs, and in her interview, Dolores says, when she and Paulie were first dating, she felt funny sleeping over in front of his mom, who was the last one to bed and the first one up. Claire asks if Dolores is still a hussy, and Dolores tells us that she did the walk of shame when Claire was having her tea and biscuits, and Claire would say, hussy. Dolores introduces everybody, and they sit down to breakfast. Everyone talks about how amazing Paulie is, and Jennifer says, they’ve been planning Dolores and Paulie’s wedding. She asks what Claire thinks, and Claire says she loves Dolores. Dolores made her feel welcome. Dolores says, Paulie’s whole family is here, and Danielle starts crying about the family dynamic. In Danielle’s interview, she says she wishes she and her brother had that. The way Paulie’s sister was talking about him with such love and adoration is the way she would talk about her brother. Sharon tells them about Claire saying Dolores is a hussy, and Teresa says, her dad was like that. Right, Melissa? Melissa says, the first time she slept over with Joe #2, when they were in the DR, their mom asked, why is this puttana lying in bed with you? Teresa says, Melissa was great with her parents, and in Melissa’s interview, she says she’s hungover, but she might be still be drunk. She can’t remember the last time Teresa said something positive about her. Dolores shows Claire the husbands calendar, and Claire checks out the picture of Frank in bunny ears. Jennifer asks if Claire thinks he’s hot, but Claire says, no. They all laugh, and Jennifer says, they have to get ready for Teresa’s hen party; it’s like a bachelorette party. In Jennifer’s interview, she says, Teresa is old school like her, and doesn’t want a ding-a-ling in her face. She googled what was good to do in Ireland for a bachelorette, and found a farm where they can be silly and do activities. When they’re working together, they’re not fighting.

It’s beautiful out, and Dolores says, it’s not typical Ireland weather. They’re sad it’s their last day, and Rachel says she had a great time, despite being called a rat. Jennifer suggests they concentrate on the good, and they take the bus to Causey Farm. Jennifer tells them to all be team players, and in her interview, she says, the minute they find out it’s dirty muddy farmland, she’ll see them rushing for the door. Everything is going to be a surprise. Farm hand Peter greets them, and says, they’ve got a number of activities. In Teresa’s interview, she says she’s not a farm person. This is definitely not what she expected to be doing today. They follow Peter to some chicken pens, and he says they’re going to play a game called Catch the Cock. Dolores says, she’s not pointing fingers, but it should be no problem. Peter explains that it’s a sign of good luck, and the Irish are all about good luck. He asks who Teresa wants to bring in with her, and Teresa says, Melissa, confusing us all. Melissa says, she already caught Teresa’s brother’s cock (BA-DUM-CHH!), and Peter demonstrates how to grab the chicken, who seems like he’s done this before. There are a lot of cock jokes, so we’ll just leave it there. They take turns, and Danielle is especially leery. In her interview, she says, she’s not afraid, but animals lick their balls and stuff. I don’t think chickens do that, but okay. In Marge’s interview, she says, it’s just chickens. The girl is from Staten Island, and Marge is sure she’s been around them. I’ve only been in Staten Island a few times, and have no idea what she means, if anything. For the next activity, the women are taken to a barn, where there’s a humongous piece of white paper hanging up. Peter tells them to grab brushes and paint the story of Teresa’s life; any memories they have. Teresa tells them, that made her think of jail. No bars; only happy memories, happy or funny.

In Teresa’s interview, she says, when she went to jail, it wasn’t easy to leave her daughters behind. She missed milestones like Gia’s 8^th grade graduation, and Audriana graduating from kindergarten. It was traumatic, and she’s decided to act like that part of her life never happened. Melissa paints the family coming from Sala Cosolina in Italy, and starts to cry. In Melissa’s interview, she said, in drawing it from the beginning, it shocked her to see where they are now. Teresa starts crying and hugs Melissa, and Melissa says she loves Teresa’s family so much. In her interview, Teresa says she wishes it was like the way it started; a happy beautiful family that loved each other. She’s grateful for the beautiful memories everyone drew. Jackie paints Teresa’s Montville home when the girls were little, and Jennifer includes the iconic table flip. Danielle paints Teresa’s wall of success, and Jen does Teresa meeting Louie. In Teresa’s interview, she says she has a beautiful life story, and hopes for a happy ending. She thanks everyone, and says it made her emotional watching Dolores with Paulie’s mom. Her dad used to say old school stuff. She thinks maybe the tension is misunderstood sometimes, and Melissa says she was upset with Teresa bringing up something that happened a year ago. Teresa claims she wasn’t saying anything bad about Antonia, and loves Melissa’s children. Her brain shorts out, and she tells Melissa that she wants some part of them in the wedding. Jennifer brings her back to reality by asking if she’s saying she wants all of them to be in the wedding, and Teresa backtracks and says, she just want happiness and peace. In her interview, Melissa says, Teresa is talking such nonsense with whatever she’s asking… if she’s asking, since she’s barely asking. Putting an Irish spin on it, Teresa says she wants the gold at the end of the rainbow, and in Melissa’s interview, she says, they’re not Teresa’s props in the final hour. Sorry. Peter says, let’s roll. He has a surprise. He takes them to a beautifully set picnic table, and the food looks amazing. Dolores says, tonight, they’re having a classic Irish dinner at the castle; fancy schmancy. There’s also going to be a whiskey tasting. Oh yeah, just what this bunch needs. Dolores asks about Teresa’s wedding plans, and Teresa says, it’s insane. She has a dress fitting, as well as the girls. The other shoe falls when she says that Louie asked Bill to be in the wedding. In Marge’s interview, she says, who they’ve known literally 12 months. To add insult to injury, Teresa says, he’s been supportive, and she doesn’t have any family. In Melissa’s interview, she says, this is why it’s hard for her to believe anything Teresa says. She’s talking about putting Gino in the wedding, and with the next breath, says she has no family. Teresa says, it’s a new beginning with a new man, and Melissa wipes some tears away. Danielle says, it’s eerily similar to her own situation, and sniffles. In Rachel’s interview, she says she feels bad for Danielle, regardless of their issues. She’d never want to go through what Danielle is, and she clearly hasn’t fully worked through it. Danielle says, nothing else matters if you don’t have family, and Teresa says she wants freaking peace. Melissa says, same, and in Danielle’s interview, she says, they need to get over it before it’s too late. Peter asks if they’re ready to go  to the Irish spa, and Jennifer wonders if they should be worried.

Peter takes them to the bog, where the natural exfoliator for the spa is found. It’s basically a big mud pit, and Marge says, it has Jurassic Park vibes. He tells them to take off their shoes and socks, and go for a whoo into the bog. He assures them there’s no cow poop in it, and it won’t go past their waist. Dolores says she’s done a lot worse and asked less questions, and jumps in first. In Danielle’s interview, she says, it feels like muddy, loose diarrhea, and I wonder why she knows what that would feel like. They all get in except for Melissa and Teresa, and Marge calls them princesses. They join hands and jump in, and Marge tells them, until they make up, they have to stay here. Jen says, this is the best bachelorette party ever, and in Jennifer’s interview, she says, see how rolling in a pile of mud brings everyone together? You’re welcome. They leave, and Marge says, Joe (#3) is having the guys over, and they’re smoking pot. I wonder if I heard right.

Back at the castle, they get dressed up, and we assume they’ve showered. Danielle calls home, and Nate says he’s headed guys night. She tells him that Teresa and Melissa had a heart-to-heart. She related it to her brother, and got emotional. Everyone’s been awful to her on trip. In her interview, Danielle says, her husband is like her rock. She misses her family, Rachel and Marge have been coming at her, and she’s been watching Teresa and Melissa go at each other. She wants off this merry-go-round. Marge calls Joe #3, who’s giving Lexi a ride, and she shows them the castle, saying, they have to come here. Lexi says, it’s 30 minutes by plane to her hometown, and Marge says, they’ll all go. In Marge’s interview, she says, Lexi and Nino are keeping Joe company. They’ve moved into the guest house. When Lexi got separated, Marge told her to move in. Lexi helped her through her breakup with Jan, and she’s Marge’s closest relationship next to her kids and husband, and probably her healthiest relationship. She tells Joe about Bill being in the wedding, and he says he bets Nate will be next. Lexi says, it’s nobody’s first wedding, and wonders why the bridal party is so huge. The women meet for the whiskey tasting, and Dolores says she loves whiskey. It’s an acquired taste, like us. I love whiskey too. Them, not so much. Marge asks how Melissa feels, and Melissa says she feels emotional. She got flashbacks from when the family was together, and can’t believe this is them. She’s upset for Joe #2.

Back at Marge and Joe’s, Lexi says, since they can’t smoke inside, she’ll put flowers on the outside table, but Joe says, this is guys. Put axle grease there. The guys convene, and Joe #3 says, Frank has a new pot business, and wants to test it out on them. Joe #2 says he doesn’t smoke pot or he’ll see snakes. Lexi says, this would be the worst house to smoke pot in, since the animals in the paintings will come to life. I wonder what kind of weed these people are smoking. Louie is still recovering from covid (maybe), and Joe #2 asks Bill about being in the wedding party. No disrespect, but they just threw him in. In Joe #2’s interview, he says he thought the mailman was next. Bill is like Jennifer, panting to be in it, but it’s in two weeks; it’s a joke to them. They toast to Frank’s new business, and in Frank’s interview, he says, three years ago he was contacted about opening a pot business, but he didn’t smoke. Now, ever since it’s been legal, he eats, drinks, and sleeps weed. He likes to feel good, and that’s what weed does. He wants to try it on his friends who need relaxation. Even though Joe #2 doesn’t smoke, Frank makes sure to blow enough at him for a contact high. The guys do a lot of laughing, and Joe #2 says he’s starving. Joe #3 tells them, Lexi got a food truck, and they run over to it. In Frank’s interview, he says, Joe #2 is high and he loves it. Bill suggests Joe #2 smoke weed and have a heart to heart with his sister. He must be really high, since I don’t think that would work unless Teresa smoked weed too. Joe #2 says, the women are in Ireland, and his sister brought up his daughter. He knows his nieces have a lot to say about him. He doesn’t want the children raised in hate and anger. He wants them to love everybody. He loses his train of thought, and says, it’s because that guy blew sh*t in my face. Nate says, Danielle is still learning the personalities, and John asks, what’s up with her calling Rachel a rat; she had her friend’s back. Nate says, they can’t take what the women say seriously, and Joe #2 says he bets the girls aren’t having this much fun. I’ll bet not.

Whiskey expert Andrew oversees the tasting, telling them to take a sip and then have some chocolate, which coats the tastebuds. Somehow this gives you a better experience. I’ll take his word for it. I don’t like to consume any other sugar when I’m drinking alcohol. It just doesn’t sit well with me. Except cheesecake. Cheesecake seems to be okay. He tells them that the whiskey is 43% alcohol (holy!), and Marge tells them to be careful. They don’t want to pass out before the night has started. You’re supposed to take a sip, and then pour the rest into a glass, but a few of the women guzzle it all down, mostly Jennifer. Dinner is served, and Jennifer says she’s totally drunk. Dolores says, it’s their last night, and asks if they liked it. Teresa thanks everyone for honoring her. She’s all about having a good time. Marge says, the weekend was special, and they’ll have great memories. In Danielle’s interview, she says she didn’t enjoy her trip, and she asks Rachel how they are. She asks why she’s the bad guy, and Rachel asks what Danielle’s intention was in repeating what she said. Rachel isn’t even loud, but Danielle escalates everything, banging the table, and telling Rachel, calm the f*** down. She doesn’t know when Rachel’s ass went from normal to changing everything she said to make her out to be the bad guy. She’s not allowed to do that. Melissa says, Rachel only repeated what she’d heard, and in Melissa’s interview, she says, Marge should really be furious at Jennifer and Teresa. They were the ones who met with her best friend. We flash back to Jennifer discussing what Laura said with Teresa while Danielle listened in, and Melissa says, they started all this. Danielle says, Marge should be mad at all the people who are saying sh*t about her, and Marge asks what they’re saying. In Jennifer’s interview, she says, please don’t say anything. She’s not even looking at Danielle in case it reminds her. Realizing she’s said too much, Danielle tells Marge, a lot of stuff, and Jennifer says, it’s coming from other places. Marge says she loves how they’re obsessed with her, and in her interview, she says, she’ll give them Laura’s phone number, and they can hang out together and obsess about her. Danielle says, it’s Marge’s fault that Jennifer’s kids found out about Bill’s affair. She forgives, but doesn’t forget. Marge says, that’s why she’ll always have problems with her family. They’ll never have a clean slate, so she’ll never move past anything. In her interview, Marge says, Danielle is crying about her brother non-stop, but how can they make up if she can’t forget? Jen says, it’s their last f***ing night, and Marge says she can’t have this discussion one more second. In her interview, Jennifer says, Marge is implying it’s Danielle’s fault, and wonders if she gets joy out of being a mean girl. You’re drunk, Jennifer. Go home. Teresa says she knows what it feels like when people question what they don’t understand, and in her interview, Danielle says she knows Marge can be mean, but how dare Marge hit her where it hurts most. Dolores suggests they go to bed, since they’re being picked up at 6 am. In Danielle’s interview, she says, she has no more fight in her. She doesn’t want to waste the energy. She’s done. She cries, but all I can say is, boo-f***ing-hoo.  

Next time, Antonia gets a car; Teresa video chats with Joe #1; Frank wants Dolores to tell him what happened to their dynamic, and gets emotional; Rachel and John talk to an attorney about Rachel adopting Jaiden; and Jennifer throws Teresa a shower. And if you think a lot of people came to your shower, you’d be wrong.

🤽‍♀️ When we last left the most awful people on land in Summer House, Danielle asked if Carl wasn’t ring shopping. He said he was, and she screamed into a pillow. She said, it hasn’t been a year. Not that she was against them as a couple; that’s not where she was coming from. Carl said he’d been thinking Danielle had an issue with his past or their own relationship. In Danielle’s interview, she said, it was long ago. She and Carl met in 2015, and dated briefly. It didn’t end well, and it was laughable if anyone thought she still had feelings for Carl. Danielle said she felt like she was being cut out, and Carl said he hoped the four of them could do more things. Danielle asked, why only the four of them? Why couldn’t they be the amigos they were? She was glad Carl and Lindsay were evolving into a serious relationship, but her relationship was different. She was also a start-up founder, and under a lot of pressure and stress. It would be nice if the people closest to her checked in. Lindsay was at the top of the list, but if they were going in separate directions, then she needed to manage those expectations. Carl asked if it was frustrating that it wasn’t the same dynamic, and Danielle said, a phone call or a  text asking what’s going on would be nice. Carl said, Danielle wanted to feel like she was getting support, and thought Lindsay would want do that. His worry was that Danielle thought he’d do crazy sh*t again, but she said, not at all, and he said he felt better. In Carl’s interview, he said, it would be hard if Lindsay still won’t mend fences, and hoped his positivity helped them. Danielle wants to be heard in the friendship. They hugged it out.

Kory, Sam, Ciara, and Gabby went to a bar, where Sam and Kory made out. Amanda, Paige, and Lindsay joined them at some other bar, and when they got back to the house, Amanda ate black olives out of the can. Kyle said, like beans, but they’re olives. As usual, the soul of brilliance. Carl told Lindsay about his talk with Danielle, and no surprise, she didn’t take it well when he suggested she and Danielle have a conversation. She got loud, saying that she was being blamed, and had to be the one who figured things out. It was like a game. He said he felt good about the conversation, and was glad to hear that Danielle didn’t have an issue with him. Lindsay said she was glad he could move forward with Danielle, but she couldn’t. Carl said he thought she’d be able to, and she said, he thought it was all her fault. He said he didn’t think that, and she asked if he actually had an opinion. He said he told Danielle that he thought Lindsay would want to be supportive, then made the mistake of mentioning again that Danielle didn’t have an issue with him. Lindsay told him, so he felt good, but didn’t give a f*** if she had an issue with Danielle. Carl said he wasn’t getting into this; everything he was saying was wrong. Lindsay said he only cared about how he was perceived, and didn’t care about her, and he told her that she was being difficult. Elsewhere in the house, Kyle told Danielle, something happened, but he doesn’t know what. Danielle said, they’d worked it out; Carl just wanted to hear that Danielle supported them. Kyle said he thought Lindsay was hammered. Lindsay told Carl that he always got so mad, and he said he wasn’t mad, but she insisted he was very mad. She was just asking questions. He told her, whatever he said was wrong, and he didn’t want to keep it going. She said that was on him. Why was he mad? Carl said he was exhausted, as was I by this point. Lindsay asked why they couldn’t have a normal conversation, and Carl said, she wasn’t acting normal. She said she wanted him to tell Danielle, you POS, apologize to my girlfriend, and Carl told her that she was being rude, and to stop looking for a fight. She said she’d be happy when he understood, and he said, all he told her was that he thought she and Danielle should have a conversation. She said that she tried, and he said he hoped his conversation helped hers. She said, it wasn’t on him; it was on her. He said she needed to figure out if she wanted to be friends with Danielle, and she said she was glad he was good; she wasn’t. He might feel better, but she felt worse. Everything was on her, and clearly he hadn’t helped. Carl said, yes, he was a horrible person, and she said he always wanted a pity party. Did it ever occur to him that she had feelings? He left the room, and Paige and Amanda were listening in.

Lindsay said, blah-blah-blah even on her birthday. She couldn’t have the day before her birthday or the day after her birthday either. I’ll bet she’s one of those people who has a birthday month. She said, it was all about Carl. Kory came in downstairs, carrying Chris on his back, and Chris complained that his balls were smushing. In Kory’s interview, he said, growing up, he was always the cute friend. He was skinny, and didn’t want to be cute. He wanted to be hot, sexy, and handsome. He was still that cute skinny guy in his head, and never aggressive. He made the girl chase him. In Carl’s interview, he said, since Lindsay had been drinking, he was trying to navigate things. They got twisted, then Lindsay got upset when she was drunk. Danielle told Kyle that she and Carl had a good conversation, and covered everything. It ended in a hug. Kyle said, after dinner, he could hear Lindsay yelling.

In the morning, Gabby asked how Lindsay’s night was. They heard raised voices. Danielle said she needed a morning cocktail. When Danielle was out of the room, Lindsay told Gabby that she’d had two conversations with Danielle, and she’s even more confused, since Carl said they should talk again. Chris announced that he had a variety of games for today, but Amanda, Paige, Gabby, and Ciara said they were going shopping. Ciara said to start without them… and finish without them. Carl came in from a run, and in Danielle’s interview, she said, apparently, they were pretending like nothing happened. She wants them to go the distance, but if they want to move fast, they can’t sweep everything under the rug.

Chris started the games with a relay race, reminding everyone that he was a Marine. They had to take a drink, flip the cup, run laps, and do crunches, then stop when he told them to. Kyle and Kory sort of competed. In Sag Harbor, the girls continued to shop, and Gabby said she was excited for Sam. She explained that she hated hugs and holding hands, and Paige forced her to hold hands. Paige said her arms were so long, Craig had to hold her by the wrist, and it made people think he was kidnapping her. They went back to the house as Chris was explaining the next game, where they’d spin a bottle. This got the guys all excited since they’re in 7^th grade, but Chris said, whoever the bottle pointed to would have to take an egg and the others had to run for their dear life before getting nailed with it. Carl was the first to be hit, but it turned out the eggs were hardboiled, and they realized they were using Amanda’s breakfast, so they switched to water balloons. Amanda asked Ciara and Paige if they got their fertility results, and they gathered in one of the bedrooms to reveal the results. In Paige’s interview, she said, they all took the tests last week, and we flashed back to that. She said she and Ciara really took the tests to help Amanda take one, since when Amanda felt uncomfortable in a situation, she avoided it, hoping it would go away. But when it came to health issues, they had to be dealt with at some point. Paige went first, and the results said she’d hit menopause around age 51, and had an average number of eggs for her age. Amanda then opened hers.  

Amanda’s test said the same thing as Paige’s, and Paige asked if it made her feel better. Amanda said it did, but she still had no idea what the f*** was going on. In her interview, she said she wasn’t having a period, was losing weight, and she could tell her hormones were out of whack from her skin.  Ciara looked at her results, and they said she would hit menopause slightly earlier than 51, and had fewer than average eggs for age. She said she wasn’t going to lie. It was scary to think she didn’t have enough eggs. It wasn’t what she wanted to hear. Paige asked if she was spiraling, and Ciara said she was. Paige told her, seriously don’t, and Amanda said she felt like it was her fault, but Paige said Amanda needed to know. In Ciara’s interview, she said, the choices she was making now with her career and finances were to prepare herself for the best situation when she found a relationship. She wanted to have a family, and the possibility of not being able to have kids was freaking her the f*** out. Kyle asked Danielle how things were going between her and Lindsay, and Danielle said she thought she’d had a good talk with Carl. She thought he’d wanted to hear that she supported their relationship 1000%, but he thought she should talk to Lindsay again. Kyle asked if she’d been as direct with Lindsay, and she said she thought so, but she felt like she’d been cut out with Lindsay. She was happy for them, but wanted Lindsay to check in with her occasionally. It didn’t have to be World War III. Lindsay joined the group, and asked what she missed. Danielle said it seemed that Lindsay didn’t feel she supported them as a couple, and it was going far beyond what was actually happening. She didn’t want to get defensive, but wanted more from the friendship. She said, they’d always hung out, but Lindsay said, Danielle wasn’t in the city. Danielle said, Lindsay could still check in with her, and Kyle said that Danielle wanted to be seen by her best friend. Danielle didn’t understand why it always got like this with Lindsay; it wasn’t a blame game. She just wanted to go back to the sisterhood they’d had. Lindsay said it wasn’t fair to put it on her, and Danielle started to cry, saying, she’d die for Lindsay, and never blamed her. Lindsay said, Danielle kept listening to other people, and Danielle got up and went inside. Because the way to fix things is to always run away.

Paige and Amanda followed Danielle in, and after Danielle cried in the bathroom for a while, Amanda gave her a hug. Danielle said, just when she thought she was breaking through, Lindsay played the blame game and was talking to everyone else about it. Outside, Lindsay told Kyle that it wasn’t fait to put it on her. Two days ago, Danielle said she felt weird about Lindsay and Carl being together, but now she was supportive. It was contradictory. Good Lord, does this woman listen to anything but herself? Danielle had said, at first, she thought it was weird. Kyle said, maybe it would always be weird. Lindsay, Danielle, and Carl had been like a three legged stool, and Danielle was trying to make sense of it. How did Lindsay not understand? When Kyle is the voice of reason, I don’t understand. Danielle said she was trying, but didn’t think Lindsay wanted to try. If she needed to marinate on if she wanted to be in the friendship, take a moment, but if she didn’t want to anymore, fine.

Ciara started the bonfire, and in her interview, she said she could do anything a dude could do, but better, and on her period. They made some barbecue, and Chris went inside to put on some music, saying, Journey might be right up my dingleberry, whatever that meant. Ciara was talking to Paige in the bedroom, when the rest made a conga line and danced in. Lindsay and Carl joined them, and Carl flipped the light switch on and off. After things broke up, Chris danced to music in his head while he brushed his teeth. I’m going to remind you again. Kyle just turned 40, and these are his peers. And this is how they’re spending their weekends.

In the morning, Chris wondered where Kory slept, since he’s s no rocket scientist. He blew a whistle to wake everyone up, and pulled Kory out of Sam’s bed, dragging him down the hall by his feet, and saying they were going to the gym. Ciara told Paige that Kyle had been humping her, and Paige said Kory had taken a running jump and landed on her wrist. Ciara said they’d been missed so much, the party had been moved to their room. It was time to leave for the week, and in Sam’s interview, she said, Kory hadn’t made it below her collarbone yet, but they were going to Montauk to see how far the chemistry took them. In Carl’s interview, he said, all the things that had happened to him led him to this summer. An inner voice was screaming Lindsay, and he couldn’t hold back anymore. He picked up the engagement ring he’d ordered, which was classic and pretty.

Next time, Chris’s new girlfriend Lexi comes to the house; Mya finds out Kory is interested in Sam; Carl goes to the hospital; Kyle says, Carl is realizing that real relationships take real work; and Carl proposes to Lindsay.

🤯 Just like with Gary (Below Deck Sailing Yacht) and Kory, there must be something to Lindsay I’m not seeing. Is this dude out of his mind? Does he want to start drinking again? She’s alcoholism and your worst PMS nightmare going someplace to happen.

🌷 You Don’t Send Me Flowers…

Boomerang back tomorrow for soap and the hunt for VanderClues. Until then, stay safe, stay seeing the beauty in all ethnicities, and stay saying something if you feel something. Life is too short to stand on ceremony.