What I Watched Today
(rambling, random thoughts & annoyingly detailed recaps from real time TV watching)

Once Upon a Time

The Evil Queen leads Zelena to the vault. Zelena doesn’t want to let her in, but that doesn’t matter. She needs supplies for a spell. She asks Zelena if she’s worried she’ll harm her better half, but Zelena says it remains to be seen which half is better. The Evil Queen says she just wants to teach Regina that she can’t escape who she is. Zelena asks what’s in it for her and the queen says a sister who’s more deserving.

Regina goes the Granny’s where the Untold Story people have gathered. She has the storybook with her and says she knows they’re afraid that their stories will play out. She says she’s just like them and they don’t have to be afraid. Whatever comes next, they’ll face it together.

Belle comes into Granny’s, looking for a new place to stay. Emma tells Hook she has an appointment to see Archie, so Hook leaves with Belle to help her out.

Henry asks a guy what his name is, wanting to see if his story is in the book. He says he isn’t important enough to be in there. An envelope with a fancy sealing wax closure arrives.

We flash back to the guy’s story – he’s Edmund, the Count of Monte Cristo. We’re at a ball and Edmund approaches the Baron. The Baron says he couldn’t be Edmund; he’s in prison. Edmund tells the Baron that he escaped, and although it took a decade, he’s now the man he wants to be. He pulls out his sword and stabs the Baron. The ballroom clears out and the Evil Queen applauds. She says it’s hard to find commitment like his. She wonders how long his next revenge quest will take and asks him for the names of everyone who has wronged him. In return, she wants help in getting some revenge of her own.

The envelope is an invitation for David and Snow from the Count. Regina says he wants his revenge and explains that she’d once hired him to kill them.

Archie tells Emma it’s a safe space and she can trust him. She tells him about her vision. She says she almost starts to win her battle against the hooded figure, but her hand starts shaking and she gets killed. He thinks maybe the more she talks about it, the less it will haunt her. She says she’s hesitant to tell her family because they would want to fix things and she’s supposed to be the savior. He says even saviors should get a day off. Emma gets upset when he encourages her to let them know and leaves Archie’s office.

David asks why Regina didn’t tell them about the Count. She says she’s clearly trying to put her evil ways behind her, and the Count didn’t get the memo. Snow says she hired him and she can fire him. Regina says that’s why she’s going to meet him instead of them.

Back in the day, Snow and David come upon a destroyed village. One person is alive – Edmund. He says when the queen attacked, everyone fled, but he stayed behind to put out the fire. Snow’s handmaiden, Charlotte, has nursing skills and gives him a salve for his burns. Edmund sees something in her eyes that he finds mesmerizing. He wants to go on the attack, but Snow says revenge isn’t going to bring anyone happiness and finding happiness is the best revenge. David suggests he work for them as a wine steward because that’s a great alternative to seeking revenge.

Regina meets Edmund. She tells him she’s calling off the murder. She says revenge won’t bring back the person you love, and if she can say that, anyone can. Edmund hurls his sword at her and she stops it in mid-air, but by the time she turns it around, Edmund is gone.

Emma tries to drive Snow and David to someplace safe, but the car hits an invisible wall at the Storybrooke border. She says obviously the Count doesn’t want them leaving.

Hook takes Belle to the Jolly Roger. She says she can’t stay there as it will risk Hook’s life. He says he had a hand in harming her and wants to make up for it. He says he needs to forgive himself and he’s not there yet. She says she’ll stay. She wanted to wait for Rumple to come around, but she has to do what’s best for her son.

Regina says it’s not the Count preventing them from leaving, and the only way for a protection spell to have worked is if someone got into her vault. Zelena shows up and Regina tells her about the spell, and says that Zelena is the only other one who could have opened her vault. Zelena says she doesn’t know who did it, but she’s tired of the inquisition and disappears, poof! in a puff of green smoke. Regina says she thinks the Count isn’t the only one they have to worry about.

The Count watches the Evil Queen dispatch a couple of knights. She asks him for a lesson in swordsmanship, but he says he has to go to Snow and David’s. She has a vial of poison for him to use, but he wants to know what they did to deserve death. She asks if he’s getting a conscience and he says to call it professional curiosity. She says the only thing on his mind should be how badly he wants his revenge. He takes the poison vial with him.

Rumpel appears, telling the Evil Queen that she’s still having someone else do her dirty work. She says that’s because Rumpel put a spell on Snow and David, so she can’t hurt them. She says she put the same protection spell on the count to protect him from Rumpel, telling him that the student has outgrown the teacher. He says they’ll see about that, and disappears, poof! in a cloud of grey smoke.

The Evil Queen shows up in Mr. Gold’s shop. He says he knew it was too good to be true, and she says she knows he’s happy that she’s back. He’s holding a coin and he says if she wants it, she has to leave Belle and his son out of her evil plans. She asks if he’s sure that’s all he wants. She says the Untold Story people aren’t the only ones whose plans haven’t played out. He asks why he would be interested in her and she tells him to look her up when he gets tired of waiting for Belle.

Edmund puts the poison into the wine. David says they need another glass for Charlotte, who has to leave to take care of her mother. Edmund pours the wine and says something about Charlotte’s eyes. They make a toast, but Edmund stops them from drinking. He says an occasion like this calls for something more special and he takes the wine away.

Regina and Henry walk around the Untold Story people’s crash landing. Regina tells Henry she can’t let the first story play out like this. She sees Charlotte’s body and says Edmund poisoned her with the wine meant for Snow and David. The Evil Queen appears and says that the handmaid’s tale played out and Regina’s will too. Regina says she thought she’d killed the Evil Queen. The Evil Queen asks if she thought it would be that easy and that after all they did together, this is what she gets. Regina realizes that the Evil Queen has been controlling the Count. The Evil Queen produces his heart and says Regina should be thanking her.

David and Snow see Edmund on the dock. David says it’s all a misunderstanding. Edmund says they have no idea and launches his sword at them. Snow says Regina has changed and doesn’t want this. David asks why he’s doing this, and Edmund says the Evil Queen has his heart. David says they’ll find a way to stop her; they always do.

In the old days, Rumpel shows up, asking Edmund why he didn’t poison Snow and David. Edmund says because of Charlotte. He says she didn’t deserve to die and if he’d killed her his revenge wouldn’t be so sweet. Rumpel says Snow and David don’t deserve to die either. He puts a spell on the door and says he needs them alive and procreating. Edmund finds Charlotte’s body and asks for the antidote. Rumpel says there’s no cure for this poison, but it can be stopped.

He shows Edmund a key and tell him it’s the key to where all untold stories are finished. If he goes there, Charlotte will live, but if he comes back, she dies.

Edmund tells Snow and David that he wanted a fresh start. Regina appears and sword fights with him. She says he can still have a fresh start and his story doesn’t have to end like this. He says it ended when Charlotte died. She says that she couldn’t save Charlotte but she can save him. She asks Henry to call for help, but the Evil Queen did something to his phone. Edmund approaches Snow and David who are now unconscious. Regina lets her sword fly and it runs through him. She cries over his body, but Henry says she did what she had to do.

Snow and David come to. Regina says she had no choice. The Evil Queen says that’s not true and that heroes always find a third way. Regina says she’ll rip the Evil Queen’s heart out. The Evil Queen says that’s the spirit. Regina realizes that the Evil Queen wanted her to kill Edmund. The Evil Queen says the little bit of darkness she revived is just a start. She says Regina will destroy everyone’s happy endings. She says the people from the Land of Untold Stories aren’t the only ones who don’t want their stories told, and when everything plays out, she’ll sit back and watch them tear themselves apart.

Snow tells Regina it’s not her fault and she didn’t have a choice. Emma says the Evil Queen wants her to doubt herself. Snow says she can’t be beaten by running away. She asks what the Evil Queen meant by them all having stories they don’t want told. Emma’s hand starts to shake.

Henry tells Hook he should have known better because sequels are never as good and then has to explain the concept of a sequel. Henry says the first time, the people wanted their stories told. David sees another envelope. It has the coin in it. He goes outside. The Evil Queen asks how he likes his gift. David asks why she gave it to him. She says we all have untold stories waiting to play out. He says the coin was his father’s good luck piece. Before he got drunk and died in a cart accident. The Evil Queen says she’s not interested in his daddy issues. She asks if he’s sure it was an accident, and disappears, poof ! in a puff of purple smoke.

Zelena hears her baby cry and finds the Evil Queen with him. The Evil Queen gives the baby a silver rattle that once belonged to her. She tells Zelena to consider it a gift for not telling Regina about her. She admires the ability to keep a secret. Zelena says it was a test and she’d thought the Evil Queen was different from Regina. The Evil Queen says she’ll never doubt Zelena again. She says she’s the sister Zelena wants because they’re alike in that they never settle for less, and Regina is literally the lesser of two evils.

Emma goes back to Archie. She says he’s right, but she’s not ready to tell her family yet. They talk about the Evil Queen’s return. Emma says she’s worried about who’s going to kill her. The one person who wasn’t with her family is Regina. Archie asks if she’s worried about Regina or the Evil Queen, but she doesn’t know.

No preview for next week.

Fear the Walking Dead

Ofelia’s car starts to overheat. She stops and gets out. She tries to remove the distributor cap and is attacked by a zombie. She slams the hood onto it’s arm, but another one comes after her. She manages to get a hammer out of the car and whacks it in the head, as well as the one that follows. A fourth zombie attacks, but she’s in the zone now. She takes a knife from his belt and stabs car hood zombie.

Now there’s a whole group of them coming, but they’re not moving fast, so she just takes a jug for water and leaves.

Commercial break. The next Pirates of the Caribbean movie – A Pirate’s Death for Me – looks great! Coming out in 2017.

Nick wakes up with Luci beside him. How does her makeup look so perfect in the grubby apocalypse? He goes outside and meets his recruit. They go to Alejandro’s pharmacy and Nick breaks into the drug cabinet. They load up a bag with medication and head out through the bus.

Travis wakes up with Madison sitting beside him in a chair. She says she’s been thinking. She says he kept his promise to Liza. He protected Chris and in this new world he’s safer with people who understand him. She says she’s going to remind him until he believes it. She says he belongs there and when he’s ready, come downstairs.

Nick and the other guy go to the gang market. He tells the guard they have Oxy, shows him the bag and they’re allowed in.

Alicia brings Travis some food. She opens the curtains. Nice view when there aren’t zombies cluttering it up. She tells Travis she’s sorry; she feels like she pushed Chris away. He says she had every right to be scared and that Chris is sick. He says he’s sorry that he didn’t believe her and protect her better. She tells him it’s okay.

Meanwhile, back at the gang market, Nick and the other guy (does he have a name?) meet with gang leader Marco. He’s planning an attack and says it will be like taking candy from a baby. Nick says if the gang will leave them alone, they’ll be there every week, on time. Marco says he likes Nick, but the game is over. They don’t need him anymore. He points out a guy who knows where all the drugs that are left are. He says they’re joining forces and are taking over. Marco shows him the dead bodies of the family who had been there the last time Nick delivered. He says if the people of Colonia aren’t gone by the time he gets there, they’re dead. Alrighty then.

Madison asks Hector how it went last night, and he says better than expected. A few guys who showed up late seeking medical attention are acting like bigot morons. It’s the group Chris was with, but no Chris. Madison asks if they were in an accident. They tell her that their truck rolled and now their truck is totaled and the driver is dead. There’s an argument as to whether the driver had a license. Madison asks if she heard right that one of them is Derek.

Madison goes to Victor and tells him that the guys who just showed up are the ones that Chris went off with. Victor tells her not to tell Travis. She says they need to find out what happened to Chris. Victor says that Travis left Chris with these men. He says she has an amazing daughter and lives with the hope that Nick will return. He asks if she thinks Travis can live without that hope. She says he’s broken and it would kill him.

Luci accosts Nick and says she can’t believe he made the drop. Nick tells her the gang is coming for them and they have to tell Alejandro. He says he’s sorry he snuck out, but he’d never lie to her. They go to see Alejandro. Nick says they have to leave now. A zombie pops up off an operating table and attacks Nick. Nick tumbles over the railing along with the zombie, and they fall onto a hospital bed with a patient in it. The zombie bites that guy’s nose off, as well as a nurse’s finger. Nick plunges his thumbs into the zombie’s eyeballs all the way to his brain. Good one. But who’s going to clean up that mess?

Alejandro gets bitten in the fray.

Ofelia goes through an opening in a wire fence. There isn’t much except tumbleweeds on the other side.

The Colonians do their chanting and send the bitten people out to the zombie wall. I guess amputation isn’t an option for the nurse? Luci asks Nick what’s wrong and he says they’re running out of time. He’s also eyeballing Alejandro.

Madison brings Andres to fix Derek’s shoulder. She wants to take them to a more private place, a room in the hotel, but the other people get up in arms because they were here first. It reminds me of the hospital where I used to live in Queens. Madison and Andres hustle the guys out.

Travis looks out the window and sees them, with the crowd following. Geez, for people who needed a doctor so desperately a minute ago, this bunch is pretty lively. He bangs on the window, yelling to Madison. Victor tries to stop him, but Travis runs outside. Travis pushes through the crowd and asks Derek where Chris is.

Nick starts to pack and tells Luci they’re leaving. He says faith is’t going to help when the shooting starts. She says Alejandro needs them. Nick says he won’t find any answers. Alejandro comes in and Nick asks if he cleaned it up well. He says Alejandro is frightened. Yesterday he was frightened of people leaving, and now he’s frightened of the bite. Luci asks what’s going on and Nick says he won’t be able to get her to leave unless Alejandro comes clean.

Alejandro says he’s not immune. Luci feels his forehead and says he’s warm. Nick says he’s infected. Luci says she saw him get bit before, and he says that’s what she wanted to believe. He says he told the story to build the place and protect people. Nick says he wanted them to build it to protect him, and he’s not committing suicide for a fraud. Alejandro says he brought Luci there under false pretenses, but the love is real. She’s his daughter. She says he’s dead to her.

Alejandro leaves and Luci tells Nick she’s not going. She says this place matters and it’s her home. Nick says she doesn’t have to die for it. She says they’ve fared better there than they did in the world. She says for most of them, it’s the first time they’ve had a family.

Ofelia trudges through the desert. Someone shoots at her. She hides behind a tree and gets the knife out. A guy with a rifle comes toward her. He makes her hand him the knife. He says welcome to America. I guess he’s the last of the border guards.

Madison takes Derek and Brandon to an office. Derek says he’ll tell them everything but can’t think with his shoulder the way it is. Andres pops it back into place. Travis asks what happened to Chris. Derek says he has to promise something first and Travis pulls on his arm. They want a car so they can get out. Madison says it’s done. He says he and Brandon were running on no sleep doing the driving and Chris volunteered. Derek says Chris must have dozed off the next thing they knew, they were rolling. He tells Travis that Chris was thrown from the car and dead when they found him. Travis is pretty upset and I’m not so sure this is the true story. He asks where Chris is. He says they pulled him out and buried him by the tree. Travis asks if he was thrown or they pulled him out. Brandon says he was thrown and Derek adds they pulled him to the tree. I actually don’t know which one is Derek and which one is Brandon, so I’m making that up as I go along. Why couldn’t one of them have died instead of Baby James?

Travis gets Madison and Andres out of the room, and locks the door. He proceeds to beat the crap out of Derek and Brandon. Madison bangs on the door telling him to stop. Derek says they killed Chris. They had to. We see Chris pulling himself from the car and his legs are all messed up. He starts crawling and Brandon shoots him. I’d say good riddance, but…

Travis kicks the crap out of Derek. Brandon tries to stop him, but he’s no match. Oscar has gotten the keys and tries to come in, but Travis slams the door on his head. Ouch. Brandon hits Travis over the head with a chair, but it only slows him down for a millisecond. He strangles Brandon until blood is coming out of his mouth. Damn. No more pacifism I guess. Travis kicks him in the head. His work is done. He’s lying in the exact same position Chris was in when he died.

Fear the Walking Dead – Part Two – Season Finale

Travis is tired after all that. He sits on the floor staring into space. Andres breaks in through the window. Madison tries to snap Travis out of it. Elena has Travis carted off. Madison follows. Andres says they’ll take him someplace safe. Victor tells Madison not to argue – it’s not helping. She asks Alicia for her knife. She goes into the office. She makes sure the guys are dead and then stabs them one in the eye and the other in the ear. Good. Now I don’t have to figure out who’s who anymore.

Luci tends to Alejandro. She says if the people find out, they’ll lose their faith and they’ll die like animals. She asks if he thought this day would come. He says beyond the walls is death and more death, and he did what he could to keep them together. She tells him he failed. He tells her Nick is right; it’s ending. Luci says only for him. She says he has to lie to them again before he goes.

Victor tells Madison that Travis failed her and put them in jeopardy. Madison says he’s lost too much to end up like this, and Victor it was her decree that he get put out. Alicia says after all this, he found them, but Victor says he can’t stay. Alicia says they can leave with him. They found this place and they’ll find another. Victor asks if she’s really going to leave for the man who abandoned her, and Madison asks him to come. Victor says he wouldn’t die for any of them. Aw, man, I like Victor.

Madison asks Andres how Oscar is. He says unconscious. Madison asks to give them until morning and they’ll never see them again. Elena agrees. Andres wants Travis out now, but Elena says Madison fought for them, and they should let her have Travis. She tells Madison they leave at dawn.

Madison goes to see Travis. She tells Alicia if she notices anything weird, to let her know. She tells Travis the plan. He says they can’t do this, but she says they’re not going to let him die. She says he found them and it was for a reason. He says it’s safe there and she says they’re leaving in the morning.

Nick has packed his ditty bag and is ready to go. He sees Luci and tells her to come with him. She asks where they’re going to go. He says they’ll find someplace safe until it isn’t anymore. He says the gang is going to slaughter them anyway. She says they’ll die no matter what and this is no place for boys, so run. Oh, snap!

Alicia approaches Andres. She wants to help, and asks if Oscar has regained consciousness yet. Nope. Andres says his pupils are dilated and he thinks Oscar’s brain is swelling. He’s going to have to take the pressure off. Hector is there and tells Alicia to get lost. Eeek! Andres cuts into Oscar’s skull and it disturbs me a million times more than the zombie biting the guy’s nose off.

Alejandro speaks to the people. He says the rumors they’ve heard are true. The men with guns are coming to kill them. It’s the evil of men that the earth is purging. They need their faith more than ever and must not fear. Nick looks down at the zombie wall from the top of the bus. Alejandro says anther destiny awaits them; they’ll overcome the evil and protect their home. More powerful than weapons or evil is their faith, and they have each other. Nick bloodies up and goes out. Alejandro says the time to defend what’s theirs is now. Nick sees a helicopter through his binoculars.

Andres slices into Oscars skull and I cringe.

Travis tells Madison whatever part of him she thinks is the same, it’s not. He says he’s not sorry they’re dead, and she says he shouldn’t be; they deserved it. She says she’s no better than Travis either; she’s worse. She says they’ve both killed. She tells him that she locked Cecelia in with her dead to protect Nick. She understands what he did and why. She says he’ll do it again because they have to. She can face it if he’s with her. He says he’s here.

Now Oscar is all messed up and Andres is upset. Hector says it’s not fair that the others are safe in their beds . Andres, who’s medical abilities are questionable at this point, pokes Oscar’s brain with a screwdriver or something.

Andres breaks into Madison’s room. They start to kick the crap out of Travis, and Madison says they’ll leave now. Andres pulls out a gun. He says Travis killed Oscar, but he had to deal with it. Travis tells them not to do this in front of Alicia and Madison. Then he goes berserk. Victor comes in with a gun and tells everyone to get out. He can’t believe what he’s seeing. He tells Madison and Travis to run now. They grab Alicia and go.

They get in a car, and Madison tells Victor to come. Instead, he hands her the gun. He says he’ll be okay and to get going now. They leave. Just in time. Travis drives right through the wrought iron gate. Victor watches. I’ll miss Victor. I hope we see you again.

Alicia looks traumatized and it’s silent in the car. Madison says they’ll be okay. She’s said that at least a dozen times already.

Alejandro looks like he’s going to shoot up. Nick walks in. Alejandro thought he left, but he says he saw something and came back. Yeah, the drugs. Alejandro is pretty shaky, so Nick helps him like the pro he is. He asks if Alejandro if he’s afraid of dying. Alejandro says he can still fight and still help. Nick says be brave, but careful, using the same words that Alejandro told him. If the gang comes and they’re still here, it’s over. He says Alejandro is being brave with other people’s lives, but Alejandro says he cares about his people. Nick says he wanted to be a great man and if he still wants it, give them permission to run. Alejandro asks where they’d run to and Nick says north. He saw a Medivac helicopter landing across the border. Nick says his people will never have to know. Alejandro says there’s a weight that comes with being a leader. Nick says he and Luci are up for the challenge. He says if Alejandro tells them to go, his people will live and he gets to die a beautiful death. He gives Alejandro the drugs. Alejandro slips into dreamland.

Travis stops at a bullet riddled gang supermarket. It’s empty. Madison says there was an office upstairs where Marco was asking about Colonia and Nick. It stinks in there, and it’s from the bodies of the family the gang killed. Madison says it’s the people who knew Nick. She rifles through their pockets for something that might tell them where the people lived. Alicia asks Madison what she’s doing. Well, I don’t think she’s looking for cash.

The Colonians better get moving. Here comes the gang. They break down the pre-wall wall and go into where the zombies are. They shoot a few and get into the bus. Marco thinks it’s too easy and the Colonians must have run. The place looks deserted. Yep, they’re gone. Maybe. It could be a trap.

Alejandro is still there, and spies on them. I’m wondering if he’s going to blow the place to smithereens with these guys in it. Marco says they left and hid like cucarachas. Alejandro goes into the bus, even though he can barely walk. He starts the bus. Marco is like what’s up with that noise? Alejandro drives the bus away from the gate, letting the zombies in. Ironically, he might be the only one alive after this.

Nice crane shot. Zombies and gang guys. The gang shoots at the zombies wasting a million more bullets. The gang leaves Marco there and run to hide like cucarachas.

The people of Colonia hit the streets bloodied up. They’re going north with Nick and Luci leading. Another crane shot. No expense was spared for this finale.

Commercial break. It’s the trailer for the new Gears of War game. Whoa. It’s pretty cool looking. I don’t play video games, but if I did, I’d play this one.

Travis, Madison and Alicia drive to Colonia. They tell Alicia to wait by the gate. She sees Alejandro in the bus and goes to investigate. Travis picks up guns as they walk through the town, but all they see are zombies. Madison says everyone is dead. They back up and leave the way they came. Alicia puts a jacket under Alejandro’s head. She says he’s alive…for now. Madison tells him that she’s looking for her son Nick. She asks if he’s still alive and Alejandro says border. He tells her Nick saw something and then breathes his last. Alicia gives Madison her knife.

Nick and crew walk through a billion cars at the border. Nick takes out his binoculars. He sees smoke in the distance and another helicopter. He says it looks like a refugee camp, maybe a couple of hours away. All of a sudden, they’re attacked by men with guns. Luci is hit. Nick grabs her and they hide behind a booth.

One of the guys finds them. Luci and Nick are separated and Nick gets a kick in the head.

See you next season!

The Real Housewives of New Jersey

Joe #2 thinks he hurt his back skiing. Dolores talks to him and Melissa about what she perceives as Robyn’s erratic behavior and says that they should ask her to leave. Siggy comes in and tells them that Jacqueline says she’s leaving if Robin doesn’t go. Melissa suggests they talk to Teresa to see what she wants to do, and Joe says this is better than the movies.

Dolores relays this information to Jacqueline. Jacqueline says Teresa can be frustrating, but she loves her. She starts getting weepy, saying that people want to latch on to Teresa. In her interview, Siggy says she thinks Jacqueline is making a bigger deal than necessary. She wants to protect Teresa, who hasn’t asked for protection. Jacqueline informs us that she just got her period, which might explain this emotional display over nothing.

Melissa tells Teresa that Jacqueline feels threatened by Robyn. In her interview, Teresa says Jacqueline is playing the victim and didn’t act threatened at the time. We flash back and nope, she didn’t. Teresa says she’s not asking Robyn to leave. Robyn comes to Teresa’s room and says she’s leaving because she wants everyone to have a good time. Teresa is bummed and says she’d rather be off somewhere just hanging out with Melissa. In the car with Melissa and Joe #2 on the way to dinner, Teresa says Jacqueline instigated things, even sitting on Robyn. Yep, she did.

The group meets at a restaurant. Teresa sits as far away from Jacqueline as possible. She asks if they noticed two people are missing. Jacqueline wonders how Teresa feels about that. Teresa says she doesn’t think Jacqueline felt threatened, since she even sat on Robyn. Jacqueline says Robyn said she wanted to rage on her ass, so she was giving it to her because she’s so accommodating.

Teresa asks why Robyn would say that in the first place? Jacqueline says she doesn’t know and she offered to leave. Teresa calls her calculated, which I believe translates to calculating. Teresa says Jacqueline thinks that Robyn has a reputation, but she isn’t aware of any. Jacqueline gets up and puts her coat on. Chris says Teresa and Jacqueline have known each other a long time, and Teresa should trust her since her heart is in the right place. Siggy says no one knows how the situation started. Jacqueline says it doesn’t matter, but if they had both stayed there would have been a fight, creating a problem for Teresa who’s on probation. Teresa says Jacqueline should have just walked away. Teresa suggests maybe Jacqueline wanted a “soldier” and was disappointed. Jacqueline feels that Teresa has hangers-on that are using her and those are the people she calls soldiers. Jacqueline suddenly starts asking Melissa if she didn’t track down the rumor mongers who’d said Melissa was a stripper. And there goes Jacqueline’s finger in Melissa’s face. Melissa tells her to chill. Jacqueline gets louder and Melissa says Jacqueline is secretly pissed that she and Teresa are getting along. Jacqueline says Melissa is full of it. In her interview, Jacqueline says Melissa is acting weird and calls her a soldier. To her face, she calls Melissa a fake, phony bitch. Everyone’s mouths are hanging open. Joe’s eyes bug out and I literally lol. Jacqueline whips out her phone to call I don’t know who for support. In his interview, Chris says Jacqueline is hurt, and he thinks Melissa and Teresa don’t give a flying.

Melissa asks what she did to Jacqueline. Jacqueline gets even louder, saying Melissa wouldn’t answer her question, so she’s not answering either. Teresa asks Siggy if she thinks this is normal behavior. Melissa tells Jacqueline there’s been something wrong with her for a while. Siggy says Jacqueline feels that no one has her back. Teresa says she doesn’t like Jacqueline getting in Melissa’s face because it makes her feel threatened. Jacqueline gets up, yelling like a banshee, calling Teresa a criminal, and flings her whole arm around. She says Teresa is a twisted bitch who hated Melissa. In her interview, she welcomes the real Teresa home and calls her a psychopathic narcissistic sociopath who is trying to rewrite history with lies. All this over basically nothing. Jacqueline leaves the restaurant with Chris in tow, because she’s best at being a rude a-hole and then running away.

When they get outside, I can’t believe that Chris tells Jacqueline she was attacked. Melissa says a good person would be happy for them and Jacqueline is jealous of her and Teresa’s friendship. Siggy tries to fix it by explaining how Jacqueline feels. Teresa says Jacqueline shouldn’t have been sitting on Robyn, but Siggy says that Robyn did start it. Dolores says Jacqueline was crying all day about how she loves Teresa. Joe #2 says they need to knock that stuff off and talks about how nasty Jacqueline was when Teresa came home. In her interview, Teresa says she should have seen it coming and brings up Jacqueline’s past fights, including punching Caroline in the face. Melissa says she thinks Jacqueline really hates Teresa. Siggy says Jacqueline is fragile and Teresa says she’s f-ing fragile.

Back at Teresa’s house, Joe #1 and the girls get take-out. Audriana says she wishes daddy had more days before he leaves. Joe says he’s going to get skinny. Melania suggests his belly is too stretched out to get small again. She says he’s fatter than pregnant people because she’s ever the soul of tact. He gives the girls instructions and says he’s going to be checking on them every day.

In the car, Jacqueline says she’s not crying because she sees them for who they are now. Oh, the drama from this girl.

Dolores says that she bets if they knock on the door, Jacqueline won’t open it. She hopes Chris is up and we see him snoring. Siggy sees the bags packed. She says no one hears where Jacqueline is coming from, and Jacqueline says a lot of nasty stuff about Teresa, claiming she and Melissa don’t deserve her in their lives. I agree, but not for the same reasons.

Melissa says she hasn’t been yelled like that since high school and it was the same level of rancor as if she had been sleeping with someone else’s boyfriend.

Siggy says she can’t make people like each other. She says Jacqueline is upset about Kathy and Rosie. She just wants to know that Teresa and Melissa have her back. In her interview, Dolores says she knew this was coming, but poor Siggy didn’t. OMG – Siggy goes on and on and on about it and how she’d walk home if she could. She says she doesn’t want to jet around Vermont tomorrow, but Dolores suggests she sleep on it.

Teresa calls Joe #1 and tells him how Jacqueline got in Melissa’s face and then called her a criminal. HA-HA-HA! Joe says he had a hard on before she started talking to him about Jacqueline. TMI, but funny.

Dolores tells Siggy that Jacqueline left and Siggy says she’s jealous.

Melissa says she doesn’t feel like she lost a friend, but like she never had one. She thinks Jacqueline just kept her around to keep an eye on her. Teresa says she puts her friends on the spot, which isn’t a true friend.

Melissa and Teresa go to Siggy and Dolores’s room. Siggy says she’s leaving today. She’s overwhelmed. In her interview, she has to bring out a little fan because talking about Vermont giving her a hot flash. Really, this isn’t that big a deal. She says this group of women don’t belong together. Melissa says they came here to give Teresa some fun. Siggy says she’s about peace, not war. Teresa asks Dolores to weigh in and she gets ridiculous, pounding on the counter, saying she’s stressed and needs to be alone. Okay, Greta Garbo. Teresa says she understands and they leave. Siggy says she’s relieved.

Jacqueline is trying to decompress. Chris says it’s good to step away from toxic environments. Kathy drops by and before five seconds go by, Jacqueline and Chris talk about Jacqueline being attacked. Chris says Jacqueline was hurt and they had the wrong person’s back. Jacqueline says she called Teresa a criminal when she meant to say con artist. Like this makes it better.

Melissa and Teresa go on a skycar ride and they both start screaming before it even gets going. Teresa talks about Joe #1 going to prison and how she doesn’t want to deal with it. She just pushes the thoughts and feelings away. They both get teary and Melissa says she’ll get through it. Teresa says the beginning was the hardest and Joe cried every time he visited. Melissa says they’ve been through a lot together. Teresa says she’s thankful for Melissa’s support and she can feel the love. Melissa jokes about how they started off the trip with so many people. She says they’re not going to let other people ruinng them any longer.

Next time, Dolores wants to know if Jacqueline is done, Melissa tells Siggy to watch her back, Kim D gets air time, and Melissa confronts Derek.