What I Watched Today

(rambling, random thoughts & annoyingly detailed recaps from real time TV watching)

General Hospital

Curtis locks his wheelchair, and after struggling for a moment, he stands. Stella comes out and gasps. She asks how long he’s been able to do this.

Drew asks Nina’s assistant if she’s in her office, and Madison says, yes, but… Drew barges into the office, where Nina is on the phone. She sees Drew and says she’ll have to get back to them. She tells Madison that she said she was on a call, and Madison starts to answer, but Nina says, close the door on her way out. Drew says, Nina doesn’t have to pick on her assistant. He didn’t give her a chance to announce him. He just came by to see what she’s up to because he doesn’t know how to do his own work and has nothing better to do.

Dex goes into the station and tells the desk sergeant that he’s here to see Detective Bennet. Bennet says, right here, and Dex says, Dex Heller. Nice to meet him. Dex holds out his hand, but Bennet ignores it and says, follow him. They go into the interrogation room, and Bennet says, have a seat. Dex sits, and Bennet says, Commissioner Devane asked him to interview Dex. He’s an instructor here at the police academy. Dex says he knows. He looked Bennet up. He likes to know who he’s dealing with. Bennet says, so does he. So why don’t they start with the obvious question. Why does he want to be a police officer?

In Sonny’s old kitchen, Donna is dressed for cooking in an apron that says mini chef and chef’s hat. She thanks Carly, and Carly says, it’s a lot of work. Josslyn comes over with a pot of sauce and says, but it’s worth it. Donna wonders what they do first, and Josslyn says, first, they put the pasta sauce in the pan, making a thin layer. Donna says, she can do it, but Josslyn says, how about if she does this, and then Donna can spread it around a little. Carly asks what she should do, and Josslyn says, she can check the noodles and make sure they’re not too hot for Donna. (I don’t see the moss bowl🎍, and have concerns they’re making moss bowl🎍lasagna.) Carly says, check them how? and Josslyn says, touch them. Just don’t pick them up please. Donna says, they don’t want to scare them, and Carly says she’d be insulted if she didn’t know they were right. Josslyn says, they’re lucky she’s so happy today, and Donna asks why Carly is so happy. Carly says, why wouldn’t she be happy. She’s with her girls and her best friend is back. Donna says, Jason Morgan, right?

Anna opens her office door and thanks Jason for coming by. She thanks him for getting himself a phone. She had to wrangle with his lawyer for a good fifteen minutes before she’d relay that message to him. Jason says, Diane is very cautious, and Anna says she doesn’t blame her. she saw Dante. He’s awake. It’s relief. And Jason is exonerated. Jason says, it’s a relief for him too, and Anna says, even though he’s not facing capital murder charges, he’s still in a great deal of trouble and she’s been giving his situation some thought. She thinks they have mutual goals.

Donna asks if Jason is coming for dinner, and Carly says, probably not tonight, but soon. Donna says she wants to meet him, and Carly says, she knows him. She just doesn’t remember. Donna asks if Carly thinks Jason will remember her, and Carly says she knows he’ll remember her. He’s going to be so amazed at how much she’s grown.

Anna says she has information from a special sauce source that Sonny was doing business with Pikeman and suddenly stopped, which could be why he was suddenly targeted. So what can Jason tell her about Pikeman’s internal organization and their areas of involvement? He says, nothing, and she says, why not? Because she already knows he was a part of it. He says he can’t, and she says, because of Agent Cates? He’s on his way over. Her desk phone rings, and she says, send him in. She says, speak of the devil, and tells John, come on in. She thanks him for coming, and says, he already knows Mr. Morgan.

Bennet says, Dex served in the army, and Dex says, he did two tours in Afghanistan, Lahgman and Kandahar. Then he was promoted to a post in Germany. Bennet says, he was discharged for assaulting a superior officer, and Dex says, yes, but he can explain. Bennet says, it wasn’t a dishonorable discharge, so he’s guessing there was some level of provocation. Still, it’s a blemish on Dex’s record just the same. What did he do after he got out? Dex says he worked in private security, and Bennet says he sees that on the application, but he doesn’t see any names or references. Dex says, they were private clients, high profile, rich. He signed non-disclosure agreements. Bennet says, legitimate? and Dex says, yes, sir. Corporate heads, politicians, Silicon Valley guys. Bennet says, what about his last employer? Corinthos Coffee? It’s not included on the application. Why is that? Does he not consider that employer legitimate? Dex says, technically, yes. In reality, no.

Curtis says, honestly, he didn’t know Stella was here, and she says, obviously. He asks where she was, and she says she was in the kitchen dropping off a coconut cake for Trina. It’s her favorite. (I like them too, so if she has an extra…) Now that he knows about her, what about him? He says he’s taken a few steps lately, but he knows he needs a lot more practice, and she says, this is great. Why on earth is he keeping this from his family, especially his wife?

Nina tells Drew that she’s had her hands full with the fall issue, pulling Crimson back from the brink. Carly did huge damage. He says, the only damage that was done during Carly’s tenure was by Nina. She literally ripped out walls to sabotage that first issue, but it went out on time. All her major advertisers, her designers, her collaborators all stayed. There wasn’t a dip in sales or circulation. In fact, there was a little bit of a bump because people were kind of curious to see what Carly would do. She says, if things were so wonderful, then by all means, bring Carly back and she’ll just walk. He says she’s not going anywhere. She’s just a rich, spoiled brat (way to keep an employee), and although she can’t find true love or even a functional relationship, she does have everything money can buy, except for this. This magazine is his and she wants it, she needs it. She says, and he needs her because Carly is long gone.

Michael comes into Sonny’s old kitchen with Wiley, and Carly says, wait a minute. There’s supposed to be four of them. Wiley says, mommy and Amelia aren’t here, and Carly says, what? Wiley says, April fool, and Michael says, Amelia fell asleep on the drive over, so Willow’s upstairs putting her down. (I always think putting them down sounds like they’re shooting a horse or something.) So they’re having lasagna? Donna says, yes, and she made it… She helped. Carly says, a little bit, and Wiley says he can help too. Josslyn says, the lasagna is already in the oven, but they can help her set the table. Wiley says, that’s not fun (agreed), and Josslyn says she gets it, but if they help her, they can play some Star Wars. Donna says she gets to be Darth Vader, and Josslyn says, of course (🍷). She, Donna, and Wiley leave, and Carly says, okay. Before Jason turned himself in, he was with Michael, wasn’t he?

Curtis says, of course (🍷) he plans to tell his wife. He plans to tell all of them, just when he’s better able to walk. Stella does understand that, doesn’t she? She says she thinks she does, looking at his cane. After she had her stroke, she had to relearn things too. Not to the extent he has, but she had to put effort into being whole again. Look at her life differently and think differently about her health. But the hardest thing for her to come to terms with wasn’t just physical, it was mental. Accepting that she couldn’t do everything on her own, that she, too, needed help, that she wasn’t invulnerable. He says he gets it. This has motivated him more than ever. He just doesn’t want his family to have to witness him struggle, witness his baby steps, especially with everything he’s put everyone through. He just wants to be further along. She says she’s beyond thrilled and proud right now. She just wants the rest of the family to be able to experience the joy she’s having right now. They’re all on this journey with him. What happens to him affects them too, especially Portia. She’s been holding it down. Let her have some of this joy. Baby steps or big steps, let her experience it with him. Keeping secrets, even if your aim is true, it can destroy a marriage.

Carly says, Jason didn’t say anything to her, but the Quartermaine estate is the perfect place to hide, and Michael lives at the gatehouse. He says he and Willow were helping Jason, and she says, Willow? He says he knows he blindsided Willow when he told her Jason was shot and needed her help. She stepped right up. She took care of his wound and made sure he had the right medication. Willow’s the reason why Jason had such a good recovery. She says, he didn’t say anything about where he’s been, what he’s been doing? and Michael says, not really. Jason told him that he was picked up by somebody who has leverage over him and they had him working as a mercenary soldier. Did he say anything to her? She says, after the arraignment, Jason went straight to see Michael’s father. She was there, and surprise, surprise, so was Ava. He says, Ava’s been spending a lot of time with him these days, and she says, he thinks Ava is trustworthy and she and Michael are not. Which gives him a pretty good idea of how things went with Jason. He says, obviously, now dad realizes Jason didn’t shoot Dante, and she says, he also knows he was an informant for the FBI. He says, an informant? That’s what Jason couldn’t tell him. She says, and he didn’t say much more than that, which infuriated Michael’s father, and Sonny called Jason a traitor. She tried to calm him down. She tried to fix things, but it didn’t work, so she and Jason left. He asks if Jason said anything else, but she says, not really. They went to Bobbie’s and sat and talked, but he didn’t say anything about where he’s been or the FBI. And there’s a vacant room above Bobbie’s, so that’s where Jason is going to stay. He says, that’s good. It’s easier for him there than at the MetroCourt or… she says, the MetroCourt or with her? and he says, yeah, especially there. He’s been through something. She says she knows. She can see it. But Jason’s going to be okay. He’s got a lot of people pulling for him. Michael says, especially her. He knows it’s been an emotional ride. Is she okay? She says she hasn’t been this okay in a long time, and they hug. Willow comes in and says, Wiley needs Michael. He tells her, say no more, and leaves. Willow asks if she can do anything to help, and Carly says she’s been entrusted with the salad, so Willow can help her with that. Willow says she’s got it, and Carly says, hold on. She knows Willow really put herself on the line to help with Jason. Thank you.

John says he can’t imagine why Jason is here, and Anna says she told him to come. Jason says, Anna knows he’s working for John. He told her. John says, that violates the terms of their agreement, and Jason says, John lied when they made their agreement. Why should I continue to honor that, Jagger? John looks at Anna, and Jason says, John chose not to tell him that he knew him in high school. John knew his family. He knew Jason’s mother. And John engineered a scenario where he had to let her believe he was dead. John asks what it would matter if he told Jason something he can’t remember? It’s too bad about Jason’s personal life, but he took this deal of his own volitions, so don’t lecture him on the consequences of being Jason. Jason says, he couldn’t find anybody else to go after Pikeman? and John says, no one with Jason’s qualifications. No one he had leverage over dropped in his lap. He doesn’t give a damn how Jason feels about this job. He only cares that Jason gets it done.

Drew tells Nina that he’s going to save them both some time. They can keep playing chicken. She threatens to leave him. She goes to HR to star search for a new Editor-in-Chief. Or they can take that energy and focus it on the fall issue. (I was just thinking, Nina should put herself on the cover.) Nina says, let’s be clear here. We are not getting the fall issue out. She’s getting the fall issue out because she’s the driving force behind Crimson. That’s why he begged her to come back. He says he doesn’t beg anybody, least of all her. He came to her because there was a vacancy he needed to fill, and he knows how much she loves this magazine. He thought it was a bit of a win-win. He’s open to the possibility of them working together because they both get something they want. She says, it can’t really be that easy for him. Jason blows back into town and suddenly there’s a vacancy in Carly’s bed. Drew’s out; Jason’s in. He says, it was his choice to end things with Carly, but she says, he got out before Carly could dump him. And he’s standing here telling her that he doesn’t want payback? He asks what payback has ever gotten her.

Stella says, keeping secrets ended Curtis’s first marriage, and this one nearly ended before it got started because of a secret. The marriages that work best are the ones where partners can share. They can lean on each other and go through tough times together. Both he and Portia are strong enough to handle anything. And his desire to protect is admirable, but he’s got to ask himself, if he were Portia, wouldn’t he want to know? Portia conveniently walks in and says she’s home. Curtis wheels around and smiles at her.

Bennet asks Dex to clarify what he meant when he said, technically yes, but in reality, no. Dex says he worked closely with Mr. Corinthos. After a period of time, it became clear his business wasn’t one Dex could support. Bennet says, wasn’t he there nearly two years? and Dex says, it took him a while to figure out how to go about it, but eventually, he got out. He planned on leaving Port Charles for good, but… Bennet says, but what? and Dex says he didn’t like the idea of running away. So instead, he went to see Commissioner Devane. She suggested he become a cop, so here he is.

Willow tells Carly that she was more afraid that she wouldn’t be able to treat Jason correctly than she was about whatever legal jeopardy she’d be in. She was able to bandage him up and bring him antibiotics from the hospital, which lowered his risk of infection. Carly says, she took a huge risk, taking meds from the hospital, and Willow says she won’t lie. She was pretty nervous when the shortage showed up on the computer, but Michael called Spinelli… Carly says, and the shortage disappeared. Willow says, thankfully, and Carly says, Spinelli is a good person to know. Willow says, so is Jason. He helped save her from Shiloh. Michael loves him. So does Carly. He’s important to this family. Carly says, he is, but he was also a fugitive wanted for shooting a cop. And she knows it wouldn’t occur to Michael not to get involved, but it might have occurred to Willow. Willow says, sometimes you’ve got to put your own doubts aside and back the person you love. Michael’s done that for her. It was her turn to do it for him. Carly says she understands that because she knows what it’s like to have a special relationship, and Willow says, she must be relieved now that Jason’s back. So will he be all right now that the charges have been dropped? She still doesn’t understand what kind of trouble he was in or what happened to him. Carly says she doesn’t either. He’s said very little. Willow says, really. She thought Carly and Jason told each other everything.

Anna says, obviously, Jason’s cover is blown. He can no longer work for Pikeman as Alan Jacobs. John says, he can’t work there, but he still has value, and she says, how? They will have adjusted their protocols by now, and she’s sure they’ve relocated any personnel who have come in contact with him. John says, maybe, but he knows too much. Pikeman is going to want to shut him up. Jason is going to stay here in Port Charles. Out in the open. Anna asks if John wants to use him as bait, and John says he wants to draw Pikeman out. Jason says he’s not going to be a walking target in his hometown, surrounded by people he cares about. He’s not going to let anybody wind up as collateral damage. John says, then be real careful. Jason knows how Pikeman operates. Draw them out. He’s willing to bet they’ll send someone senior to deal with him. They turn the tables, take them into custody, and incentivize them to give up whoever runs the company. Jason asks how he’s going to turn the tables, and John says he’s sure Jason will think of something. He has an impressive skill set and he’s good at improvising. So what’s it going to be? Cooperate – Jason walks toward the door – or they use the information they already have and charge Carly Spencer with RICO violations and criminal conspiracy.

Jason says he’ll do what John wants as long as he leaves Carly alone, and John says, as long as Jason holds up his end, he has no use for Carly. Anna suggests they clarify the objective, and John says, Jason shouldn’t have involved her. It’s an FBI investigation. She’s not part of it. She says, but she is. They’ve already been over this. It’s her jurisdiction. She wants in. He says, the whole point of using Jason is, he’s not an agent. How they use Jason is at his discretion. He’s not going to risk a leak or open the door to some interagency turf war at this late date. She asks if he thinks any of that would apply to her. Why would it? He says, come on. She’s WSB and so is Pikeman.

Carly tells Willow, one of the great things about Jason is that even when he can’t tell her what’s going on, she knows she can trust him. He’ll let her in when he can. There were so many times Jason didn’t know what she was doing, but he trusted her anyway. Willow goes to the sink, and Carly asks why she has the feeling there’s something Willow wants to say. (I still haven’t seen the moss bowl🎍, and worry it’s part of the salad Carly is mixing.) Willow says she’s sorry. She didn’t want to bring it up. Drew told her that they broke up. Carly says she didn’t know Drew was going to say something to Willow. Not that it’s a secret or anything – it’s not. She just didn’t know how she’d feel when people found out. How is he? Willow says, she knows Drew. He puts on a game face, but she knows he was hurt. Carly says she loves him. She misses him. He went through so much with her and for her, and she really wanted to return that kind of loyalty, but… she didn’t know Jason was going to come back. Willow says, Drew is a good friend, literally her life saver. She hopes he can put his own life back together and find something that really matters to him.

Drew says, that’s Nina’s problem. When things don’t go her way, she focuses on the wrong thing. (I can’t stand this guy. He consistently talks to women like they’re five.) She says, right now, her problem is that she has a sanctimonious boss who barged into her office and now wants to lecture her about her shortcomings. He says he’s sorry he forgot to include victimhood complex in there. Nothing’s ever her fault, right? That’s how she justifies her actions. When she loses something, she just tries to take something from somebody else in return. Think about it for a second. She lost Nelle. She lied to Carly and made her think that she lost Sonny. She lost Willow and tried to send Carly to prison. Nina says, he’s still defending Carly. How pathetic. The best decision he ever made was to fire Carly and reinstate her. Why is he backtracking now? He says he’s not backtracking now. He’s not rewriting history. He has a very clear mind on what happened, and he has a very clear memory. But that’s in the past and they’re trying to move forward here, right? Hasn’t she ever heard that living well is the best revenge?

Portia says, Stella. This is a wonderful surprise. She’s staying for dinner, right? Stella says, no. She just came by to leave Trina a coconut cake. She left it in the kitchen. Portia says, that’s so thoughtful of her. It’s her favorite. Stella says, her pleasure, and she hopes they have a wonderful evening. She kisses Curtis on the cheek and says she’s sure they have a lot to catch up on. She leaves, and Portia says, Stella ran out of here so fast, she didn’t get a chance to tell her some good news. Dante woke up. Curtis says, that is good news. How’s he doing? She says, he’s amazing. He’s weak, but he’s coherent. Sam and Olivia are over the moon. She’s really happy for them. Does he remember how excited she was when he finally woke up? It felt like she hadn’t taken a breath in months. Then he opened his eyes and look at him now. He says he’d rather look at her, and she says she’d rather look at that cake. She runs into the kitchen. (A woman after my own stomach.)

Drew tells Nina, Carly never wanted to be the editor of Crimson. He talked her into it. She did it for him. Nina says, and it didn’t feel good at all to show her the door? but he says, no. That’s Nina’s petty way of thinking. He doesn’t want Carly to suffer at all. He gets nothing from that at all. He wins when he focuses on himself and builds something for himself. If she could only do that, focus on her talents and what she has and get out of her own way, she could probably eventually be happy. She says she was happy, happier than she’s ever been in her life. Does he know why? Because she had a family. Her surviving daughter was back in her life, she had two wonderful grandchildren, she was married to a man she loved and who loved her. She had a job she was great at too, and what does she have now? Nothing, except for Crimson, which is all she started with in the first place. He says, she bears no responsibility for those turn of events? Everything she claimed Carly had to begin with. Nina says she did not want anything from Carly. Things just happened the way they happened, and yes, she takes responsibility for keeping the truth about Sonny being alive in Nixon Falls from his family, but once Sonny remembered, it was his choice, and he chose her. She didn’t force him. It was Sonny’s decision. He says, she’s so big on choice. What about accountability? She asks if he wants to talk accountability. How about Carly? She chose to buy shares of Aurora and commit a crime, but was she held accountable? No. Carly always gets the pass. She even had Drew take the fall for her. He says, after Nina turned them in to the SEC, and she says, which was perfectly legal. But apparently unforgivable for her. Now she’s exiled from the man she loves and the only family she was ever able to call her own. Is that fair?

Josslyn sets the lasagna on the kitchen island, and Carly says, that’s so beautiful. It smells like heaven. Josslyn thanks her and says, it’s a great recipe. Carly asks when she learned how to cook lasagna. When did she learn to cook anything from scratch? Josslyn says, Dex was teaching her how to cook. He’s really good at it. Carly says, she misses him, huh? and Josslyn says she’s trying not to. She knows she has to let it go, and overall, she has. It’s just there’s that part of her that’s waiting for a text or call. Carly says, what if he does text or call? and Josslyn says she promised herself that she wouldn’t answer. Carly hugs her.

Bennet says he started off this interview asking why Dex wants to be a cop. Aside from him saying Commissioner Devane asked him to apply and stating he wanted to stay in town, he hasn’t answered the question. Dex says, yes, the Commissioner suggested he join the force. He could have refused, but he thought it over and realized he misses that feeling he had back in the army. Bennet asks, which is what? and Dex says, doing something good through service. The way he sees it, being a cop is like being a soldier. You go through a lot of tough stuff, but it’s for the greater good. It’s about serving others. Bennet says, Dex took an oath to serve his country and the Constitution in the military. Law enforcement officers take an oath to defend the Constitution and uphold the laws in their jurisdiction. Is he prepared to do that? Dex says, yes, sir. There’s another thing. He liked being a part of something bigger than himself. When he was in the army, the men and women he served with became his brothers and sisters. They were in it together and had each other’s backs. They were doing something real and important. It was hard as hell and it was challenging, but they had a purpose. They believed in a cause so strongly, they put their lives on the line for it. That gave his life meaning. To protect their way of life and their freedom was the goal. The goal in working private security and working for Sonny was to make money. That was a stupid and ugly reason to die.

Anna says, so now they get to the real reason for John’s attitude toward her since he came to town. Is she part of his investigation? John says, there’s no way to know, but they do know that Pikeman has longstanding and unhealthy ties to the WSB. She says, so he doesn’t like her poking around. He’s been playing nice to keep tabs on her, to keep her in check. He says he can neither confirm nor deny, but the ties between Pikeman and the WSB go back to her early days as an agent in the 80s. She says she can tell him flat out, she’s never had anything to do with Pikeman. Jack Brennan, who ended his rather brief tenure as head of the WSB by being shipped off to Pentenville, could tell him more. It’s alleged he was running both Pikeman and WSB. Unless he thinks she’s the new head of Pikeman and by packing Jack off to prison she was making a big power grab. He says, anything is possible, and it falls within the scope of his investigation. He wants Pikeman and everything affiliated with it to go down. That’s his focus. She says, it’s hers too, but how do they do it? and he says, that is the billion-dollar question. Hopefully Jason will get them an answer.

Portia says, it took every ounce of willpower she had to make sure… She sees Curtis standing, and he says, wait a second. He puts down his cane and takes a few steps toward her. He falters, but rights himself and says, looks like he’s going to need a little more practice. He could certainly use a good coach. She says, he’s got one, and takes his hands. He walks the rest of the way to her, and they hug, then kiss.

Nina says she could almost believe Drew if she hadn’t personally experienced his version of payback. Maybe he’s seen the light. Maybe he’s a kinder, gentler Drew, but she somehow doubts it. She thinks the rage and the anger is still in there somewhere. She wonders, if there was a button he could somehow push that would make Jason disappear again, and no one would know except for him, would he push it, knowing his brother would just go away and everything would go back to the way it was? Madison comes in and says, the article on how the wellness/fitness market is booming and evolving is in her inbox. Nina thanks her and says she’ll look at it right away. Madison leaves, and Nina tells Drew that she needs to get back to work. He says, so he heard. What’s this piece about? She says, it’s for the next issue. It’s about feeling good. It’s a powerful, profitable industry. Fitness and wellbeing are not just trendy buzzwords. He asks if she’ll forward it to him. He’d like to read it. She says she’s forwarding it right now, his phone dings, and he says he’s got it. He thanks her and says, maybe they can work together after all. He leaves, and she says, stranger things have happened.

Bennet says he gets what Dex did in the military. He respects Dex’s discretion about his private clients. He doesn’t like the gaps in Dex’s work history, but he’s familiar with that road and non-disclosures. What concerns him the most is Dex’s familiarity with the Corinthos organization. What he’s seen. What he’s done. Dex says, it’s because of the time he worked for Sonny that he wants this. He did things he regrets. Bennet asks if he thinks he can make up for them by becoming a cop. That’s not how this works. The Commissioner may have suggested this, but if he’s thinking of it as some kind of penance, don’t do it. Dex says he told Bennet, he wants a purpose in his life. He needs to do better for himself.

The kids run into Sonny’s old kitchen, and Josslyn asks, who won? The Rebels or the Empire? Wiley says, they haven’t finished yet. The Rebels will win. Carly asks how he knows that, and he says, because Josslyn’s playing for them and she’s the best. Michael says he plays for the Empire and he’s a pretty good pilot, and Josslyn says, they’ll see what happens. Carly says, before they sit down to dinner, she just wants to thank Willow, Josslyn, and Donna for making dinner. Cutest child in the universe Donna says, Carly helped too, and Carly tells her that it’s nice of her to say that. She also wants to say she loves them very much and how lucky they are that they have each other. And they’re lucky Dante is doing better, and they’re so lucky Jason’s back. They have so much to celebrate. Donna says, let’s eat, and they all move to the dining room with their plates.

Jason says he knows a lot about Pikeman, but he doesn’t know who’s in charge or the chain of command. But John is right. they’re going to want to shut him up. Anna say, the same way they tried to eliminate Sonny, but Jason says he doesn’t know. They sent separate teams for Sonny. The first team was at the MetroCourt, then Puerto Rico. He was on the third team, as they know, but their approach is not working. They’re definitely going to try something different with him. John says he regrets Jason has to be used as bait, but it’s real. He’s playing the hand he’s been dealt with now. The mission remains shutting Pikeman down. He leaves, and Anna asks if Jason is okay with this. Jason imperceptibly shakes his head and says, it just has to be done. She says, it all makes sense now. He didn’t become an FBI informant to protect himself. It was to save Carly. He says, she can’t know, and Anna asks, why? but Jason says nothing and leaves.

Tomorrow, Sam tells Dante that she doesn’t think she’s ever felt so betrayed in her life; Kristina wants to clear the air; Nina has a secret weapon; and Chase says, they need someone’s help to save their wedding.

Vanderpump Rules

Starting with a random fact. We find out instead of Play-Doh, in New Zealand, Brock had mud. The girls work out in the park, and in Katie’s interview, she says she doesn’t understand how fitness people are addicted to endorphins. It’s like they never drank wine or experienced true happiness. This isn’t it. Lala asks if Ariana and Katie are coming to the water tasting. She warns them that she invited everyone, including Sandoval. Ann comes to Ariana and Sandoval’s house dressed in a suit and tells Ariana that she came professional and prepared. In Ariana’s interview, she says, it might be rough with her roommate if she poached his assistant. But he didn’t respect her enough not to f*** her friend while she was at her grandma’s funeral, so she’ll poach gleefully. She says, Ann typically comes in at 11 and stays all day whether there’s stuff to do or not. Ann says she usually has to pick up Sandoval’s socks and underwear, and in her interview, Ariana says, he sometimes wears them for days in a row. Change your drawers, bro. Anna says she can’t wait to do more administrative work and she’d love to work for an amazing girl boss. She’d love to work with Ariana, but if it doesn’t work out, she’ll understand. Ariana says she loves Ann. In Sandoval’s interview, he says, Ariana’s already got his friends. Now she wants his assistant when she can hire anybody she wants. Ariana tells Ann, it’s weird now with the living situation, but once she’s out of the house… Ann says, they’ll keep in touch, and Ariana says, lucky for Ann, she’s the HR department.

Schwartz visits Scheana and Brock, bringing them a plant, his new M.O. He says, when he looked on Instagram, the first six posts were people having kids, and in his interview, he says, Father Time is knocking in the back of his mind. He’s not getting any younger. He’s not sure about a lot of things, but he’s sure he’d be a good dad. He hopes he’d be a DILF, but he’ll be 60 when they graduate high school. As I always say, there’s 60 and there’s 60. Although I’m not so sure Schwartz will end up in the latter category. Katie goes to see Ariana, and says she’s had six shots of espresso and she’s got to keep the buzz going. Ariana tells her about Ann coming for an interview. She had a suit on brought her resume. She told Ann that they could do something in the future, but right now it would be petty and vindictive. When she was getting ready to leave, she found Ann in the kitchen crying. Ann told her that Sandoval had been coming down on her; he was eavesdropping. Katie says she doesn’t like the invasion of privacy. She feels like hers was invaded by Scheana tracking her. Nice turning that around to herself, although she must be tired of being on the outskirts of Ariana’s limelight. We flash back to last week, and Ariana says, Scheana knows her location, but how many locations does she have? Katie says, it’s none of her business, and Ariana says she never had Sandoval’s location.

Scheana tells Brock that it wasn’t his place to talk about Katie and Max. And it backfired on her. Brock reminds her that Katie said she wanted to watch Scheana’s world burn, and we flash back to that. In Schwartz’s interview, he says, Katie was his closest friend, and he kissed Raquel once. She can be upset all she wants, but at the end of the day, he doesn’t feel bad. It’s not like they had an agreement. Lala texts Katie and Ariana about coming to her water tasting, and Ariana says she’s not feeling it. Considering it’s Lala’s thing, it makes sense Sandoval will be there. She’s trying to understand that this is part of Lala’s healing journey. In Ariana’s interview, she says, short of removing herself from the friend group, it’s not possible for her not to be in the same room with him. Lala is her friend, and she wants to find out what a water tasting is.

James tells Ally that he’s seen Lala’s water guy on the news talking about water. Well, we would assume if he was a water guy, that would be his area of expertise. We see a news clip with Martin, water sommelier, and James and Ally set up the backyard. Lala arrives and thanks them for hosting. James says, her water man is here, and Lala says she’s excited. In her interview, she says, since she quit drinking, she’s become a sparkling water connoisseur. She asks Martin how he is, and he says, living the dream. In James’s interview, he says he’s more of a Red Bull/Coca Cola kind of guy. The friends trickle in, Scheana bringing vodka because it goes well with sparkling water. I can’t argue with that. In Katie’s interview, she wonders if Brock telling Schwartz about Max is payback for her talking about his private life. We flash back to Katie talking smack about Brock seeing his kids and questioning his child support, and she says, so are they good? Lala thanks everyone for coming. She’s been sober for nearly five years. One day at a time. In her interview, she says, sparkling water was there for her when she wanted to go buck wild, when she felt stressed, and when she felt sad. It’s at the point where, if she can’t get the sparkling water she wanted, it can f*** up her entire day. Martin talks about some water from the oldest spring or whatever, and says, it might be dino piss. He tells them that he’s the Harry Potter of water, and shows them a bottle of still water, shakes it, and it turns into sparkling. He says, it’s natural carbonation, which I’ve never heard of and now want to check out. He shows them another bottle, and says, it’s the only cuvée water created and is $1000 a bottle. He pops it like champagne, and Sandoval asks why it’s so expensive. Martin says, it comes from two spring sources like a Bordeaux blend. They toast with it, and in Katie’s interview, she says, it tastes like water. This doesn’t compare to a wine tasting at all. Brock asks Sandoval what happened with Tii, and he says, they’re just chilling.

The girls gather inside, and Ariana gives a Medusa look to Sandoval when he comes through with the guys to get the pizza delivery. She makes a few snarky remarks, and in his interview, Sandoval says, it’s harder to be a wallflower when he hears Ariana making comments about him. He’s working hard to rebuild relationships and Ariana is putting pressure on their friends to choose her. The deck is stacked against him. The guys hang out in the back, and Sandoval says, Tii told him that Ariana was asking her questions at the bar, and we flash back to that. Sandoval says, she was talking sh*t when he was on a first date. It felt tacky. Brock says, Sandoval and Ariana’s change in status is still in the infant stages. They have to figure how to go through living together. They should have a conversation. Sandoval says, maybe everybody needs to chill, and Brock says, if he doesn’t want Ariana attacking Tii, he has to talk to Ariana, not them. Sandoval says he loves how people put it on him. Inside, Ariana wonders if Ann is okay, since Sandoval sent her home. Lala says, she’s not just an assistant, Ann’s their middleman. What’s the game plan? Ariana says she’ll probably have her lawyer do it, and Scheana says, she won’t have someone telling her when it’s all clear to go upstairs. Lala says, she’s got to figure it out, and in Lala’s interview, she says, Ariana’s lawyer has better things to do than mediate between Ariana and her boyfriend when Ariana is choosing to stay in the house. Katie goes outside, and Schwartz asks if she wants to talk. Katie says she thinks he does, and he calls her a dirty dog. She says she’s trying on his pants, but he says, don’t put it on him. He’s not mad, even though Max was literally his best friend and Katie roasted him into oblivion because he kissed Rachel. Katie says, he couldn’t respect one simple wish, and he says, it was a flimsy agreement, but he’s sorry he hurt her feelings. Katie says, everything felt flimsy to him, and her feelings didn’t matter. In Schwartz’s interview, he says, after he betrayed their agreement, Katie had an air of moral superiority. He says, she’s f***ed up too. It feels good to say it. She tells him that she’s let a lot go over the years, and he asks her to shake and start fresh, not delve into the past. He’s not saying be BFFs, but they can get dinner and just hang out. Katie jokes that she doesn’t want to until he makes better choices in clothing.  Inside, Brock asks about Ann applying to be Ariana’s assistant, and Ariana says Ann told her that she’d love to work for her, and the attempted dog murderer was eavesdropping. Once again, said attempted dog murderer is within earshot, and she says when she left for Katie’s, Ann was crying. Brock wonders who the attempted dog murderer is, and Sandoval says, she’s referring to him.

Sandoval says, Ariana left food out, and in Ariana says, Sandoval went into her room, where the door was closed. In Ariana’s interview, she says, he let Mya in and locked her in there for hours. While she was trapped, she chewed on a takeout container that had wooden skewers in it. His carelessness could have ended her dog’s life. Sandoval says, she never empties the litter box, and the argument begins. Ariana says she guesses she’ll have to take pictures, but no, she doesn’t, because Bravo has, and we see her cleaning the litter box. She asks if he wants to kill her dog over a litter box. It was her only safe space and he wrecked it. In Sandoval’s interview, he says, she’s quick to jump from accident to murderer. There’s no dead dog. Outside, Schwartz asks Katie if they’re fighting, and Ariana tells Sandoval to stop interrupting her. Her lawyer will deal with him, not her. Sandoval says, then her lawyer should be professional, and she says, he is and he’ll be sending Sandoval an email with a well thought out response. Sandoval says, it’s been two months, so it better be. Ariana asks why he’s talking to her. She also found the door wide open when she came home from SUR. One more example of his carelessness and callousness. He wants to destroy her dream house and her children. Get the f*** away from her. She keeps repeating this until he’s on his way, and she tells to never look her in the eye again, calling him a f***ing POS. He says, she has everything. She has all the campaigns. Now she’s taking his assistant. Ariana tells him to run for his life. He tried to kill her dog. Outside, James says, sorry dude, and Sandoval says, her dream home for her kids? Okay. He leaves, and Katie promises not to f*** any more of Schwartz’s friends. Ariana tells the table that Mya ate the shit from her taken container, including wooden skewers. She spent $6000 have that sh*t extrapolated. I’m guessing she means extracted because that word does not mean what she thinks it means. In Lala’s interview, she says, Sandoval shouldn’t have gone in, but the dog eating sh*t is Ariana’s fault. Throw you trash away. Didn’t you do a trash bag commercial? Sandoval calls Schwartz and says, Ariana called him a dog murderer, but he had to get in the room and either him or Ann, didn’t close the door. Throwing Ann under the bus is new – what a d-bag. Schwartz says, that stuff happens with dogs, and we flash back to him saying his dog ate laxative pills. He wonders if it’s a lowkey trial run to see if they can co-exist, but Sandoval says, it’s the rage he dealt with during the relationship. Schwartz says he should probably excuse himself and go. Ariana is still going on and on, and says, Sandoval is taking literally zero responsibility for locking Mya in her room. She made sure Mya wasn’t in the room and shut the door, which she does responsibly every time. Lala says, they need to have a productive conversation, but Ariana says she’s not capable of that with a sociopath, disgusting, psycho, narcissist, gaslighter, piece of sh*t person. In Scheana’s interview, she says, seeing Ariana upset breaks her heart. Ultimately, she has to figure out the best way to process her emotions and move on. Schwartz asks how the pizza is, and Ariana says, now she’s mad at him again because of association. Schwartz tells Katie to call him and leaves.

Ariana gets a text from Katie asking if they’re going to Scheana’s beach day or faking their deaths, but Ariana says she’s not missing out because of dumbass him. Brock and Scheana have the same old nanny discussion again because Gaby isn’t more available. Scheana says she hates going back to the drawing board, but Brock wonders how many times they’ve gone to the drawing board at all. In Brock’s interview, he says, before the pandemic, he co-owned a couple of fitness studios, but he sold them. Scheana became the bread winner while he was home with Summer. A nanny will help him figure out the next step in his career. Scheana tells him that he has to uninvite Sandoval after last night, and we flash back to two seconds ago. Brock says, if you can’t handle it, don’t go. What he saw wasn’t okay. Scheana says she’s assuming there was no interaction when they got home, but she’s curious if there was. Brock says, it’s childish stuff, and Scheana says, sometimes Brock gets heated quick. Who the f*** is he to judge someone? She hates that Sandoval did something irresponsible that sent the dog to the hospital. He says he doesn’t condone Sandoval’s actions, but Ariana needs to let it go for her own sanity. In Scheana’s interview, she says, what Sandoval did was the best thing to happen to Ariana. It brought her prosperity, wealth, and opportunities in life. She’s afraid if she says anything to Ariana about wanting to move past the anger and hatred, Ariana will cut her off.  

Interior designer Lucinda comes to see Ariana – which I could swear they did already – and in Ariana’s interview, she says, suffering through the water testing made it more clear that she has to get out of the house as soon as possible. She and Sandoval furnished the home together and Lucinda helped design and pick out everything. She put it in an inventory and has who paid for what. Ariana doesn’t want there to be any loopholes to f*** her over in her counteroffer to Sandoval. They go through house, and Ariana says she doesn’t care about the little things, like the penis flute Sandoval made Ann glue back together. In her interview, Ariana says she’s sure when Sandoval sent the letter of intent, he thought she’d say, great, thanks for the cash, and leave him everything. She doesn’t f***ing think so. She tells Lucinda that she’s going to attach the list to an email to her attorney, and then they’ll send it to Sandoval.

In James’s interview, he says, going to the beach in LA is work. You have to pack a picnic bag, go through traffic, and deal with parking. That’s why he has a pool now.  Brock sets up the canopy, and Scheana asks if Schwartz is ready to get a drink thrown in his face. We flash back to that, and Schwartz says, it’s beach day redemption. Brock wonders if Sandoval is coming, and Ariana says, when she was ready to leave, he had that stripy crochet thing in the dryer, so he must be planning on coming. Brock sees Sandoval in the distance wearing the stripy crochet thing, and says, Ariana was right on the money. Sandoval joins them, and James makes a literal line in the sand. Sandoval says he met a girl who puts on singles events in LA, and he signed up for one on Saturday night. Schwarz asks if Katie wants to be his date. Ironically, he thinks their divorce brought them closer together, and Katie says, he was getting it while they were together. Schwartz says he was pretty faithful, almost nil mistakes. Katie asks if Sandoval knew that Schwartz had kissed Scheana in Vegas, and we’re back. She says, Scheana can keep a secret, and Scheana says she buried that sh*t. Every guy in the group has been flirty with her at one time or another. Sandoval says, more like the recipient, and Brock asks if that’s what he told Raquel. Sandoval says, that was low hanging fruit, and Ariana says, the subject matter is disgusting. Have this conversation somewhere else.

Lala is late, having had to take Ocean to the eye doctor, and Katie says she heard Ann was out of a job. Sandoval says he didn’t fire her. He said, let’s take a couple days off. James asks who’s mediating, and Ariana says they haven’t crossed that bridge yet. He asks about Mya, but she says, Ann wasn’t Mya’s sitter. James asks if she feels Mya is safe, and Ariana says, now she does. Schwartz says, she and Sandoval are great pet parents, but Ariana says, the pets are hers. James asks if Sandoval agrees, and Sandoval says, no, but Ally says, Ariana paid the adoption fee. In Ariana’s interview, she says, Mya is her dog. She pays for everything, and she’s the only one who walks her and bathes her. He can suck her d*ck. Sandoval says, that’s one bill she paid. Since he applied for and got the loan for the house… Ariana tells him to stop speaking to her, like, twelve times, and in Sandoval’s interview, he says, anything he does or says triggers Ariana. He had this delusional idea that they’d be more civil than Schwartz and Katie. Delusional. He might try taking into consideration that the circumstances are radically different. Lala arrives, and Ariana says, Sandoval is saying sh*t and she won’t do this again. He ruined her entire life. In Lala’s interview, she says, what the f*** did she just walk into? Brock says, Sandoval has been walking around with his tail between his legs all summer, and Schwartz says, when they go to the next spot, he and Sandoval will sit somewhere else. Ariana says, none of them put Sandoval in check, and in James’s interview, he tells us that he’s not saying forgive and forget, but the anger is consuming her life and she’d be more at peace if she released it. Ariana says, they should step in as men and tell him to STFU. He only respects men and they need to put him in his place because he’s in the wrong. Brock says, they don’t need to do all that. He left. Lala says, he’s going to be in defense mode about anything they say, and Ariana says she doesn’t need Lala playing devil’s advocate. Lala says she’s not, and in her interview, she says she understands Sandoval was an uber douche and it was a devastating break-up, but at what point do you choose inner peace? He didn’t win. Look at his life. You won. Ariana says, if Sandoval’s not going to be remorseful and take jabs at her, and they’re going to shove him down her throat, what do they expect?  

To be continued…

🍼 Down In the Valley…

Congratulations. In record time, this show has become a Vanderpump Rules, the early, even more immature seasons. Once again Kristen played telephone and got herself backed in a corner. Ho-hum. There was even one point where there were literal crickets chirping after Kristen’s firing from VPR was brought up. I don’t think Kristen is a racist and I don’t think that’s the reason she went after the girl whose name I’ve already forgotten in whatever season that was. But I do think she’s emotionally juvenile and not the brightest bulb in the box. It might not be cause for cancelation, but those crickets have their work cut out for them.

https://people.com/the-valley-recap-kristen-doute-revisits-painful-vanderpump-rules-firing-racist-actions-8623783

🐕 Seeing a Dog About a Dog…

Stop in tomorrow for soap and a heavy discussion about current events and politics. April fool. See? Works even better when no one’s expecting it. Until then, stay safe, stay extending more grace than you would expect or hope for were the roles reversed, and stay not keeping secrets from your significant other, even if your aim is true.