What I Watched Today
(rambling, random thoughts & annoyingly detailed recaps from real time TV watching)

Once Upon a Time

Long ago, on the Jolly Roger, Hook yells at the crew for being slow. One of the men says they’re tired and Hook asks who dares defy him?. It’s a stowaway who says he’s no one and wants to ask him a simple question. He asks if taking revenge on the Dark One has been worth the time and effort. Hook says he’ll have to settle for him first, but suddenly sees what he thinks is a sea monster. The stowaway tells him there isn’t one, and he’s saving Hook’s life. He pushes him into the water and dives in after him.

In Storybrooke, Regina hunts down the Evil Queen for a little chat. The Queen insults her lack of entrance flair. Zelena joins them. Regina says that her masquerade as a cricket therapist didn’t work.

Snow and David are inside Zelena’s house. Snow lets Jiminy Cricket out of his cage. I’ll say it again – he’s so cute! I want one.

The Evil Queen says she’s not there just to gloat, she’s there for something else. Zelena runs inside where David and Snow are. The Evil Queen says the real fun can begin and Regina appears in between them, poof! in a puff of purple smoke. She tells the Evil Queen to bring it on.

At Granny’s, Jasmine tells Aladdin they haven’t talked about Agribah – they still need his help. He doesn’t want to hear about it and leaves the diner.

Hook joins Henry and Emma for breakfast, but Emma gets a text from Jasmine that she doesn’t know where Aladdin is. Emma and leaves to help find him. Hook tosses Henry’s Pop Tarts in the trash and says he’s going to make him a pirate’s breakfast of grapefruit and mackerel. I have to admit, it’s a lot healthier. God only knows what’s in a Pop Tart. I won’t touch them. Henry takes the trash out.

The Evil Queen is waiting outside, and asks Henry if his new father is bothering him. Henry says Hook isn’t his father, but she says he may be soon. She says she knows what it’s like to be that person, and Henry says Hook isn’t like her. She shows him a box that Hook was fooling around with, and he finds the shears. The one thing that can take away what makes Emma special. She says Hook doesn’t care about Henry or Emma, and he needs to asks himself what he’s going to do about it.She disappears, poof! in a cloud of purple smoke. Copycat.

Emma catches Aladdin breaking into a car. He says it’s his, and she says they need to talk. He says he knows Jasmine sent her.

Hook looks for Henry. He sees that the shears are gone.

Back in the day, Hook comes to on a submarine. A man with a harpoon tells Hook welcome aboard. Hook punches him out and asks where he is. He asks what magic this is, and a captain welcomes him to the Nautilus, saying to call him Nemo. Hook asks what he wants. Nemo says the ship is a second chance. Hook says he’s not staying. Nemo says he knows Hook’s heart is full of hatred and seeking revenge, and he finds people like him. The one thing missing in his life is family. Hook says no one will replace what the Dark One took. Nemo says he knows how it feels. He lost a family too, brutally murdered while he was at sea. He spent decades hunting the murderers down. When he was finished, all he was left with was an empty heart and a blood-stained harpoon.

Hook wants out, but Nemo needs his help with a mission. He tell Hook that when it’s done, he’ll see this ship is where he belongs.

Hook finds Henry at the docks and asks what he’s doing there. Henry says what his mom wanted Hook to do. Hook says he’s trying to protect Emma. They see something rise out of the water and start to run, but their path is blocked by a guy who says the captain wants to see Hook.

Henry and Hook are taken on to the Nautilus. Hook opens the window shade and it’s super cool under the water. The ship is pretty amazing too.

Snow and David meet at the hospital. Another refugee from the Land of Untold Stories has been brought in. David is going to go to the station to see if he’s been reported missing. Snow sees Belle in the waiting room. She’s getting her first ultrasound. She doesn’t want Rumpel to be a part of anything, but doesn’t know how to deal with it. Snow says she doesn’t have to deal with it for three trimesters.

Henry wonders what would happen if Hook had just gotten rid of the shears. He says he’s saving her life. Henry says her being the Savior is what brought them together, and Hook doesn’t get to make decisions since he not part of the family. Henry says they’re just going to be fish food now anyway. Hook says the captain isn’t someone he’s going to want to meet.

Way back when, Nemo and Hook are in old-fashioned diving suits with those big round helmets. Nemo tells him stay on the path. They go through a cavern. Another diver says he’d give his life for Nemo. His family was taken for him and he grew up on the docks, vowing revenge, and Nemo saved his life. Hook asks if he found those who wronged him. They guy says no, and Hook says he shouldn’t give up so easily.

They come across a huge treasure chest. Nemo says there’s more than gold and jewels in it. Hook tries to back away and a giant squid grabs him. Nemo said stay on the path, dude. The squid is awesome, all tentacles and teeth. Nemo harpoons it. Good-by giant squid! Nemo says Hook is stubborn, but he hasn’t given up on him. He’s part of the family.

Rumpel as Gold visits the Evil Queen. She says she’s driving a wedge through the Charming clan and asks if he’d care to join her. He asks if she remembers her lessons. Never take what’s his being the most important one. He says the shears are gone, and he can smell her magic all over it. The Evil Queen realizes he wants to use them on Belle so he can change the fate of his family. She tells him like everyone he’s ever loved, the shears are long gone. He tells her to be careful who she crosses; she might need an ally. She says you don’t need allies when you win, and she’s doing fine without him.

Emma drives Aladdin out to the woods. She shows him the Welcome to Storybrooke sign. She shows him the base where a car hit it. She says she hit it after Henry tried to convince her she was the Savior. She says it wasn’t the only time. Yesterday when he gave her the shears, she was worried she might use them. She imagines her family having to watch her die. She says she ran, but came back to face the people she disappointed, and tried to make up for her mistakes. He says he doesn’t know how to fix things in Argribah. She tells him finding out what happened is a good place to start.

Hook tells Henry he killed his own father. When he did it, he didn’t just take his life. He had a son, named Liam after Hook’s older brother, and he left an innocent boy an orphan.

In the past, Nemo shows Hook a key. He says all they do is sail with no place to call home. This key opens the gateway to the Mysterious Island, where you can start over. He tells Hook this is his chance. Hook says he can’t give up now. Nemo says Hook has lost people he loves and doesn’t want to open his heart, but the island is a place where he never has to lose anyone again. He asks Hook to join his crew. Hook asks where he got the key, and Nemo says it belongs to his first mate. He was a young boy when his father was murdered. He tells Hook his first mate’s name is Liam.

Fast forwarding, Henry thinks Hook is trying to make up for Liam with him. He says Hook can’t do that, but maybe he can, and shows him the shears. He says, first rule of kidnapping is they never search the kid. Hook gives Henry a diving suit. He says there’s only one helmet, so he’s not going. He says if only one of them can go back to Emma, it’s Henry. Henry dives into the water.

Back in time, Liam approaches, calling Hook “brother.” He says he’s been waiting a long time for this and produces a weapon.

Hook runs farther into the submarine. He sees Nemo who tells him that running from Liam won’t solve anything. Liam is like a son to him and gave up seeking vengeance. Liam enters, saying he was a son to someone else once too. Nemo says killing Hook won’t quench the fire inside him. Liam tells Nemo that’s easy for him to say; he got his revenge. Nemo says they were so close to finding a home. Liam says his heart is no stronger than the captain’s. Nemo gets in between Hook and Liam, and Liam stabs Nemo accidentally. Hook says Liam deserves better, and hopes he finds it. He jumps into the water.

In the present, Liam tells Hook he’s taken everything, his father and Nemo. Hook realizes the Mysterious Island is the Land of Untold Stories, and Nemo is in Storybrooke. Liam says that Hyde took Nemo, and he’s dead because of Hook. Henry returns and tells Liam to stop. While he’s distracted, Hook knocks him out. Hook says he told Henry to leave, and Henry says if he had Hook would be dead. Hook says he couldn’t see another family ruined, and Henry says neither could he.

Hook says he won’t use the shears if Henry doens’t want him to. They’ll find another way to save Emma; the decisions don’t have to come true. He puts the shears in a chest and it sinks into the water.

Aladdin approaches Jasmine. He apologizes. She says she knows he feels guilty, but there’s more he needs to know. He says he might not be the Savior anymore, but if they go back to Agribah, he might be able to help. Jasmine says she went to a neighboring kingdom seeking an alliance. She got caught in a sandstorm on the way back, and when she got there, Agribah was gone. Way to end their storyline.

Belle asks Snow about the patient that was brought in. Snow says he’s in surgery, but the doctor thinks he has a chance. Belle has two copies of the sonogram. Snow asks if she’s giving one to Gold. Belle doesn’t know if he can ever repair things. She does know the son in her dream looked at him with hatred. She wishes things could turn out differently.

The patient is Liam. Hook sits next to the bed and tells him he’s in the hospital. He’s surprised Hook didn’t kill him, but Hook says he has something to live for now. Liam realized if he killed Hook in front of Henry, he’d be creating another boy filled with hate. He wishes Nemo could see them.

Nemo is wheeled in. He was found this morning, and was the patient in surgery. He and Liam join hands and Hook goes to the waiting room. Emma is confused as to what happened. Hook says he’ll fill her in, and Henry jets. He says everything that happened was his fault. Henry was looking to right a wrong. He didn’t dispose of the shears, thinking it might help save her even if she hated him for it. He says Henry made him see the error of his ways, and they’re at the bottom of the ocean. She says she would have done the same thing. They embrace.

Gold looks at a huge book. He says the pirates and the son worked things out in the end. The Evil Queen tells him that they’re an insipid bunch, too forgiving of each other. She says she’s come to make amends, and has been going about it all wrong. She forgot the most important lesson – know what you want and go after it with everything you have. He asks what she wants. She kisses him. Hmm…

Belle comes to Gold’s shop. She sees it’s closed and slips the sonogram picture under the door.

Gold asks if the Evil Queen wants him. She says something else, but she needs his help. He asks what makes her think he would help her. The Evil Queen says fortunately for him, there are still a few underwater creatures who owe her a favor. She has the shears. He asks what she needs his help with. She tells him that the one thing she’s always wanted is Snow White’s heart and smiles

Next time, the contents of a bottle could destroy Storybrooke, they have 12 hours to figure it out, danger lurks around every corner, and the Evil Queen thinks the cemetery is a good place for endings.

The Walking Dead

Carol is being hauled in a wagon by two guys on horseback that look like knights. Morgan follows.

Zombies attack and Carol falls off. Morgan and the others fight them off. Carol thinks she sees someone she knows, but it’s a zombie. She staggers away while the guys are still fighting. She comes to a house and sees a lady beckon from the window, but it’s a zombie. She slumps against a fence. A zombie is headed toward her and gets it’s face sliced off. Nice one. A bunch of people on horseback come in and dispatch the rest. I’m going with this crowd.

A guy named Daniel says they’ve been looking for Morgan, but it looks like he found some people himself. Morgan fiddles with a mailbox because maybe that zombie mailman from Z Nation is coming along.

Carol sleeps while Morgan sits next to the bed. She wakes to the sound of makeshift wind chimes. She asks how long she’s been asleep and he tells her two days. I always think that would be freaky to wake up and so much time has gone by. But it’s better than American Werewolf in London where he was out for three weeks. She asks where they are.

Morgan wheels her through the town. He says their weapons will be with held until they leave. In about a week, they can go back to Alexandria. The town is called The Kindgom. Morgan says they were helping Carol, so he helped them. It’s beautiful, lots of plants and animals, and Renaissance Faire clothing. Morgan explains the story he gave the man in charge, whose name is King Ezekiel.

Morgan wheels Carol into a building. He tells her Ezekiel does his own thing. They go into an auditorium where Ezekiel sits on a throne with his pet tiger next to him. I like him already. He could possibly save this show for me. I’m getting to the point where I’m tired of it being depressing and more depressing.

Ezekiel tells the tiger to settle down; these are their guests. He says if she’s a friend of Morgan, she’s considered a friend of the realm unless proven otherwise. He introduces himself and welcomes her to The Kingdom. He asks if he detects skepticism, and if she thinks he’s mad. He asks what she thinks of The Kingdom and King. She tells him that she thinks he’s amazing, the place is amazing, and Shiva the tiger is amazing. She says she doesn‘t know what’s going on in the most wonderful way. He says he let’s everyone take what they want as long as they contribute. Drink from the well, replenish the well.

He has one of his men give her some fruit. She says she doesn’t want to be any trouble and she’s not a fruit person. He says if there’s anything she wants or needs, just ask, and mentions they have a great musician. She says more rest and maybe a hairbrush; no one told her she was meeting royalty. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her smile like this, but I don’t know if she’s faking it. They both say it’s a pleasure, and Morgan wheels her out.

Carol is like, what the what? She tells Morgan that this is make believe and she can’t do this. Freakin’ spoilsport. Morgan tries to talk to her. She says when he’s not there to stop her, she’ll go. He says he’ll stop her, but she says it’s not up to him. He says he won’t let her die out there. She says it doesn’t matter what he does.

Is she kidding? This place is awesome!

Ezekiel and company hunt some wild pigs. They drive them to a place where a zombie is hanging from the ceiling, because they want the pigs’ bellies full of rot. I don’t get that, but okay. Some zombies wander up and one of the guys, Benjamin, is learning how to kill them. He doesn’t quite get it, so Ezekiel finishes the zombie off. Morgan is told that no one back at The Kingdom needs to know about any of this. Ezekiel yells to the zombies that one day they will be released from the curse and in the meantime, they live in their place. I’m fascinated.

Back at The Kingdom, Ezekiel asks Morgan how he acquired his skills with the staff. Morgan says from a cheese-maker. Ezekiel says Benjamin’s path is in need of adjustment, and asks if Morgan will train him. Morgan says the staff could have saved the man he shot to save Carol. Ezekiel says like it saved Morgan. He needs Benjamin to live because he’ll be an important member of his staff. Morgan agrees, and Ezekiel says The Kingdom is favored by his presence again.

Carol sits in her room. Shiva suns herself and an acapella choir sings It’s All Right. Morgan shows Benjamin how to use the staff. Watching Benjamin reminds me of one of my martial arts workout DVDs. Carol wheels around the place, faking it, acting all nice to a guy and pretending to be over the moon about some cobbler. She pretends to tear up about how great the town is, and asks for a tissue. She steals some clothing when they guy has his back turned. She’s pissing me off.

Benjamin asks about Morgan’s book. Morgan tells him it’s philosophy. Benjamin says he’s read all the books there several times, and air conditioning manuals are boring. Morgan gives him the book. Ezekiel tells them they have matters of import to attend to.

He says the swine are slaughtered far from the kindgom. It’s a secret and secrets are burdens that come with a cost. A bunch of guys get out of cars and meet them. They belong to the Saviors (not to be confused with Emma and Aladdin in the previous show). Ezekiel says their arrangement is important. Oooh, I think I’m getting this. One of the guys says the pigs look bigger than last time, and Ezekiel’s man, Richard, says they were well fed. The man asks for help loading them into the truck. A woman starts to quietly tell Morgan they’re from another group, but Morgan says he knows who they are. Apparently, Ezekiel is trying to poison the Saviors or turn them into zombies.

The guys load the truck. One of the Saviors tells them they’ve gotten off easy. Richard says maybe he has it backwards. They start to fight. Guns are drawn. Ezekiel says to lower their weapons and tells Richard to let him go; this isn’t what they do. The guy gets in a few more punches until he’s made to stop. He’s a real a-hole. Ezekiel tells Richard they’ll discuss it. The Savior says it’s produce week next week, so they’d better produce or Richard is going first.

Ezekial asks if the man Morgan killed to save Carol was one of them. Morgan says yes, and asks if that’s why Ezekiel wanted him here, because he could do it again? Ezekiel says the opposite.

It’s movie night! Everyone is finishing up dinner and Benjamin and Morgan talk. Benjamin is raising a little boy. He says Ezekiel was tight with his father, who was a good fighter. He was sent out to clear a building, but there wasn’t enough back-up and eight men didn’t make it out. His father was one of them. He says Ezekiel is more careful now. He’s keeping his deal with the Saviors because they want to fight, but don’t want to lose people. Morgan asks if Benjamin agrees, but he says he doesn’t know enough to know.

Benjamin asks about an inscription in the book about not killing. Morgan says he didn’t write it, but it’s not about what he thinks. People can point you in the right direction, but can’t show you the way. You have to find that for yourself. He says he’s just fumbling through, and sometimes we change our minds. He leaves to talk to Carol.

Carol is gone. Good. She was no fun anyway. Morgan sits on the bed and smiles.

Carol limps around to the apple tree. Ezekiel tells her to help herself. The garden is his favorite place, and he’s glad she saw it before she left . She apologizes, but asks what good she is there. Ezekiel tells her to never bullsh*t a bullsh*tter. He says the sweet and innocent act is clever. Blend in, get people to trust her, get what she needs, and disappear. He says the gun she has belongs to the Saviors, and she did more than put up a fight – she won. She says by ending up here? and he asks if it’s funny. She tells him that this place is a joke, and out there it’s real. She says he’s selling people a fairy tale. He says maybe they need one. She asks if having his ass kissed is a perk.

Ezekiel sits with her. He says people want someone to follow; it’s human nature. They want someone to make them feel safe, and people who feel safe are less dangerous and more productive. They see a dude with a tiger and make him larger than life, a hero. Who is he to burst their bubble? They needed someone to follow, so he faked it until he made it. He was a zoo keeper and Shiva fell into a moat. There was no medical assistance, and she was hurt and going to bleed out. He knew the risk, but she was in pain, so he saved her life. After that she never even showed a tooth in his direction. She could do a lot of damage, but she hasn’t and won’t. He lost a lot like everyone else. When it started to end, he came back to the zoo. Shiva was alone, hungry, and trapped, like him. She was the last thing left in the world he loved. She protected him, got him here, and made him larger than life. He used to act in community theater and played some kings. He says his name is really Ezekiel though. Cards on the table, nothing up his sleeve, but appreciates it if she keeps it between them, at least for now.

Carol says she doesn’t care. Do what he wants. She’s going to go. He asks where? She says away. He says he’s sorry for whatever bad she’s been through. There’s too much of it out there. It feels like it’s all bad, especially when you’re alone, but it’s not all bad. Where there’s life, there’s hope, heroism, grace, and love. He hopes that she’s not walking away from life. He made his own world. He found a way to embrace the contradiction, by being over-the-top good. He says maybe he’s crazy, but maybe he can help if she lets him. She asks why he cares, and he says it makes him feel good. He says she can go or not go, see if he’s on to something or it’s more bullsh*t.

Morgan and Carol ride down a road. Morgan asks if she’s sure this is what she wants. She does. They stop at the house where Morgan was fixing the mailbox. He says she’s his favorite person he ever knocked down, or at least in the top two or three. He tells her to take care of herself. She says always watching, always ready. He gets back on his horse and she goes in the gate. He puts the mailbox flag down.

Carol sees the zombie in the house and goes inside brandishing her weapon. She buries the now dead zombie in the yard. She builds a fire and there’s a knock at the door. She hears the tiger. It’s Ezekiel with an apple. He tells her she has to try one. She gives him a real smile. Almost.

Next time, more Negan (sigh), Daryl gets shoved around, and Negan likes it that he doesn’t scare easy.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey

It’s time for Melissa’s fashion show. Siggy and Dolores discuss Jacqueline in the car. Dolores thinks Jacqueline overreacted to her text. She’s been going around saying Dolores set her up to look like a no show.

Preparing for the show, Melissa feels abandoned, since her partner is in the Bahamas. She says she doesn’t know what she’s doing and didn’t sleep last night. The models practice their walks.

Jacqueline is on the couch hacking and coughing. She tells Chris that she wouldn’t have gone to the fashion show even if she wasn’t sick. Chris thinks that some of her friends aren’t really her friends. He thinks she should get to the bottom of why Dolores asked if she was coming to the fashion show when she knew Jacqueline was sick. Um…maybe she forgot or was just making conversation. The overreaction is trickling down.
The Wakiles and Teresa cross paths at the bar, and it’s awkward. In her interview, Teresa says she’s done with her cousins and there’s no confusion about that. She doesn’t wish anyone ill will, she just wants to be left alone. Joe #2 and Richie talk. Teresa tells Melissa she wants to be there for her, but she feels sad. It’s her first event without Joe #1.

Siggy and Dolores arrive. Dolores tells Kathy about calling Jacqueline and that Jacqueline is paranoid that she was being set up. I’m not getting this. Does Jacqueline think Dolores was trying to catch her in a lie about being sick? Kathy asks if Dolores is open to talking to Jacqueline, but Dolores says she’s too angry right now. She shows Kathy the text. Teresa joins them. She says she wishes Jacqueline the best, but she’s evil. Kathy insists she’s not.

Melissa gets the models ready. She’s nervous and gets a glass of wine. Teresa tells Siggy that she walked into something with Kathy and Dolores. Siggy says Jacqueline got weird with Dolores. In her interview, Teresa says Jacqueline is sweet at first, but then you get to know her.

Backstage, things are crazy. The music starts. The models begin to walk the runway. Melissa runs around like a nut, telling everyone they need to move faster. All of a sudden, no one is on stage and she doesn’t know what to do. Melissa starts to freak, but everything falls back into place. The clothes are really cute.

Melissa makes a speech, thanking everyone at Envy and her family. Joe #2 is proud of her. She turned a crumb into a cake. She talks about feeling a tug on her pillow the night before and no one being there, but she had “a feeling.” That morning, her mother reminded her that it was the anniversary of her father’s death and she feels like he’s there.

Siggy asks Melissa to lunch on Friday. She’s invited everyone because she wants closure. She says Jacqueline is fighting with Dolores now, and she wants everyone to say their peace without fighting and walk away like ladies. Good luck with that. In her interview, Siggy says she wants everyone to move forward and shut up. She’s hoping Jacqueline comes.

Dolores meets Frank for lunch. She tells him he said the kitchen would never get done and it happened. She adds that he won’t be getting a bill because she’s on a payment plan with the contractor. Frank is the best ex-husband in the world. Next to Bruce Willis. He jokes that she’s breaking up with him, and she says she’s just taking the pressure off. In her interview, Dolores says Frank is in another relationship, but they have a bond that can’t be broken. He feels concerned that she doesn’t want help anymore. She says he’s like a part of her, and it’s just the financial help she doesn’t need.

Frank tells Dolores that her father took him aside when the problems started, and said sh*t happens, but you never turn your back on your family and children, and he’ll always be a part of the family. She wants to get the check. He says he likes the new Dolores, but she tells him don’t get used to it.

Teresa’s lawyer, Jim, comes over. He says he’s gotten a few emails from Joe #1 and she says she missed his call because she was doing yoga. She’s getting certified and needs to put in a certain amount of hours. Jim asks about finances. Teresa says after they got married Joe did everything, but it’s going back to the way it was before that, and she might have to sell the house. She says the kids have been through enough, but she’ll do what it takes to keep things afloat, since Gia is almost college bound. She shows him a framed cover of her new book that the publisher sent. She has one of the last book, and says she’s definitely a different person now and proud of who she is. She can’t wait for Joe to get home. Jim says to never feel like she’s by herelf.

Dolores and her mother are doing some cooking. Siggy comes by, loud as ever, with her own mother, and all of them put together a meal. Siggy thinks their moms are too selfless and should do more for themselves. They sit down to eat, and she toasts to their mothers being wonderful. Siggy says she’ll always take care of her mother the way her mother has taken care of her, and Dolores says her too. Siggy tells them there has to be a way to get the friends back together, but Dolores doesn’t think so.

Melissa comes home to Joe #2 cooking dinner and roses on the table. He tells her to sit down. He’s made chicken cordon bleu. They talk about Melissa’s sales, which are thriving. In her interview, she’s afraid he wants her to scale back. He apologizes for saying she made crumbs where he made cake. He says he loves her and stands by her and he’s a lucky man. He brings out parfaits for dessert. She asks if they’re having cappuccino with candy sticks, and he says he got the kind she likes. She says she’d like his candy stick after dinner and he picks her up out of the chair. These two are so cute.

Siggy is bringing the girls together because she wants Vermont laid to rest. She’s having the lunch at a restaurant because she doesn’t want a repet performance in her house. She removes the knives from the table. She hasn’t heard from Jacqueline, so she doesn’t know if she’s coming, but she’s hired security. She tells some bald guy in a black jacket what the score is.

Melissa tells Teresa that Jacqueline is super paranoid and doesn’t like them together. Teresa says she’s a cuckoo. Melissa is hoping for closure, but the most Teresa thinks she’s getting is a nice lunch.

Jacqueline shows up first. Siggy gets all teary. Jacqueline says she came for Siggy because she knows what it’s like to be in the middle. She says she said horrible things to Teresa in Vermont. She claims Melissa didn’t like her and Teresa being friends. She says she couldn’t even sit down before everyone tried to talk for each other. In her interview, Jacqueline says she wants to make it more comfortable for everyone and is glad to explain where she was coming from. Whatever that insane place might be. Siggy says Dolores loves her. Jacqueline says she knows Dolores explodes, but then gets over it. She wants to get to the bottom of the animosity with Teresa, but has no interest in Melissa.

Dolores joins them and Siggy starts crying again. What is wrong with her? Dolores apologizes to Jacqueline. Jacqueline gives some half-assed explanation about her paranoia. She says she knows Dolores’s heart. She wants to talk to Teresa and Melissa one on one. Siggy tells Jacqueline that Teresa was sincere, but Jacqueline wonders why she took the first opportunity to disband the friendship. This woman is so delusional. The first time she saw Teresa after she got home, she took the opportunity to be insulting, and she did all that finger-in-the-face stuff in Vermont.

The second Teresa and Melissa get in the room, Jacqueline demands that Teresa sit across from her and Melissa leave the room. She wants to talk one on one. She has a ride waiting if they refuse. She says it’s the way she likes to do things. Teresa says she doesn’t call the shots, and she says she is today. Teresa calls her “teacher,” and Jacqueline doesn’t like it. Teresa asks if Miss Teacher is better, and Jacqueline asks if bitch is better. Teresa asks if a word I’m not going to type is better. Jacqueline tells Melissa to leave the room again. Siggy says she’s giving them orders, and no one wants to be spoken to like a child. Teresa says she thinks Jacqueline is evil to the core. Jacqueline wants everyone to leave. I don’t think evil is the word I’d use, but she’s something abnormal. Dolores suggests everyone try something new and speak softly. Jacqueline asks if Teresa needs a back up, and Teresa says yes, she does. She wants everyone to see what’s going on. Joacqueline says call her when she can talk one on one (which will be never) and leaves. In the other room, Jacqueline apologizes to Dolores. In her interview, Jacqueline calls Teresa and Melissa animals. WTF?

Teresa says Jacqueline is a coward. Melissa says when Jacqueline is in a situation where she isn’t controlling things, it’s run, Forest, run. Agreed. Which is why I find her tagline so amusing. Teresa says she’s conniving and twisted. Siggy asks Dolores if she thinks Jacqueline handled things wrong. Dolores does, and they go out to find her. Jacqueline definitely sees them. The car slows down and she sticks her head out the door, but then they drive away. Why don’t they dump this chick?

Dolores says on a good day you don’t speak to an Italian like that. Teresa says Jacqueline wants them out of the room so no one else can tell her she’s wrong. Melissa says if you have nothing to hide, you don’t run. Teresa tells them that Jacqueline is dead to her. Melissa adds that she took off her mask. Dolores thinks no one was mentally prepared for the meeting. Huh?

Teresa says she’s been home three months and it feels like she never left. She thanks them for being supportive.

It’s the finale, so they have the little blurbs about what everyone is doing. It’s all boring. Until we get to Teresa – whose yoga partner is now Danielle Staub. I don’t even know what to say.

Next time, the reunion. Duck and run.