What I Watched Today

(rambling, random thoughts & annoyingly detailed recaps from real time TV watching)

General Hospital

Curtis asks if the Finger Lakes aren’t a little out of Jordan’s jurisdiction, and she says she thought he gave up P.I. work to open the club. He tells her, you know what they say, you can take the man out of the P.I. business, but you can’t take the P.I. out of the man, obviously realizing how silly it sounds. He says he and Portia got Roger Barstow to meet them. She says she called the local police department before she came, and told them she was looking to interview Roger Barstow. He says, cards on the table. Roger Barstow might have files connected to Drew Cain. Jordan says, he might also be connected to Naomie Dreyfuss’s murder.

Nikolas tears up the restraining order, and tells Ava, that’s what he thinks of it. She says she hopes he realizes this could land him in jail, and he says, that document is worthless; it’s practically a joke. She says, it’s been about eight months and one stalker since she’s been in the mood for jokes. Tearing up that order doesn’t make it any less valid, and he’s violating it right now. All she has to do is call the cops, and he’ll be arrested. He says she never mentioned a restraining order. Why is she doing this? She says, to protect them from the stalker, since he won’t.

Trina tells Spencer, she didn’t say anything to him. She was talking to Esme. He says it sounds like Trina was accusing her, and Trina says he sounds defensive. She wonders why. It’s a simple question. Has Esme seen Kiki’s hospital I.D. badge before?

Jason asks, when was the last time Josslyn saw her mom? and she says, fifteen, twenty minutes maybe. They were supposed to be getting ready for the wedding, and now she’s nowhere to be found. He says they have to figure out where she might have gone. Wow. That Jason is a real genius.

Sonny and Nina kiss, and Nina says, so what now? He says he thinks this occasion calls for a trip to Philadelphia, and she laughs, saying, why? He says they’ll find a great restaurant, and afterwards, they can listen to some great music, and they’ll just do it up. She says, it sounds great, and he says he has some things to get organized around there, and he’ll pick her up in a couple of hours. She says she can’t wait, and he leans in for a kiss, but she sidesteps him and says she’ll see him later. She walks out, smiling, until she sees Jax. He says she doesn’t look happy to see him, and she says she was just in the middle of something, and he’s not exactly local. Why did he just show up like this? I say, I hate you, Jax, and he says he doesn’t want to hold her up from her business, but his issue’s pressing. She says, whatever issue he has, if it isn’t about Crimson, they’re no longer together, so it doesn’t involve her. He says he disagrees, because his business is her, and what she’s been up to in Nixon Falls.

Jordan wonders how Drew’s disappearance is connected to Naomie’s murder, and Curtis says, everyone thinks Peter August has something to do with Drew’s plane going down, but what does Peter have to do with Naomie? Or Hayden Barnes for that matter? Jordan asks if Portia is helping Curtis with the investigation, and Portia says, apparently, Mr. Barstow has medical records from the clinic where he used to work. Curtis says, Creighton-Clark, and Portia says, he’ll be more likely to share them with a doctor. She thought it would be a fun, little adventure to ride along on an investigation, but now that she’s in the middle of nowhere, she’s not so sure. Jordan says, if they find the right information, they could unmask a murderer. Maybe they can help families find the answers to questions about missing loved ones. Portia says, when she puts it that way, it’s easier to get on board, but it looks like they’re not getting any answers today. It doesn’t look like anyone is home. Jordan says, the door’s locked and it’s dark, and Portia says, maybe Mr. Barstow got spooked and took off. Jordan says, maybe he’s there and lying low, and Curtis asks, what are the odds that Jordan’s lead on Naomie would lead her to the same Creighton-Clark medical records keeper that he thinks can shed a light on Drew’s plane crash? I wonder why a medical records keeper would be keeping records at their home, but okay. He wonders if the cases could be connected, and Jordan says, Drew’s relationship with Creighton-Clark is obvious. It’s where he was held until Robin revived him and helped him escape. Curtis asks, what’s the link to Naomie? and Jordan says, Roger Barstow and Naomie came to the U.S. together; they booked their seats together. She doesn’t know why, but she was hoping Mr. Barstow could explain. I’m wondering why Curtis wouldn’t know Nina was also has a connection to Creighton-Clark.

Nikolas asks if Ava doubts he’s done everything humanly possible to protect her, and she says, all he did was terrorize Spencer and his friends, and drive his son from his home. He says, he made a mistake. He thought… She says, he thought his own son would use her worst nightmare against her, and pretend to be Ryan Chamberlain. Then he went to war over it. He says, yes, he did, but only to keep their relationship intact. She says, at the expense of his relationship with his only child. Doesn’t he realize she may not be able to live with that on her conscience? That she’s already lived through the worst outcome of taking one’s child for granted? That she wouldn’t be able to bear watching him make the same mistake? He can justify his behavior was all good intentions, but it’s not going to get him his son back, and it’s done nothing to appease the actual stalker. And he’s not helping by showing up at Kiki’s grave and here in her gallery, uninvited, unimpeded by the guard he hired. He says, Paul will keep her safe from the stalker, and she asks who’s going to keep her safe from him? Every time he forces himself into her life, he puts her in danger. Worse, he puts Avery in danger. That’s unacceptable. He says, which is why she’s leaving Port Charles. Why add a restraining order on top of it? What’s the point? Two thugs come out, and stand on either side of Ava.

Esme says she doesn’t understand. Trina wants to know if she’s seen someone’s badge from a local hospital she’s never been to before? How random is that? Trina says, not someone’s badge; the badge that belonged to Ava’s daughter, Kiki. Or as Esme referred to her, Loren. Esme asks if that isn’t her name. Kiki, Loren; what’s the difference? Trina says, no one refers to Kiki by her given name, but it was on her hospital I.D. badge… the one they found near Ava’s burning car, courtesy of the stalker. Spencer says, when Kiki was murdered, her full name was all over the news; Loren Kathryn Jerome. Esme says she’s sure Spence mentioned it to her at some point. They talk about his father and the family he married into all the time. Trina says, because she’s so interested? and Esme says, of course (🍷). Everything about Spence is interesting to her. Doesn’t Trina take an interest in her boyfriend’s family? Spencer says, come on. Esme has been in town all of five minutes. Does Trina really expect Esme to know all the ins and outs of everyone who’s connected to him? How would she know if his stepmother’s dead daughter went by Loren or Kiki? And what would it matter if she did?

Jax suggests he and Nina have this conversation inside. He never got to see the inside of the famous Tan-O the last time he was there – he touches his shoulder – for obvious reasons. Besides, it’s getting pretty hot out. He strides past her into the Tan-O, and she follows, but Sonny is nowhere to be seen. He says, the place is getting renovated, and she says, they’re redoing the ceiling and doing some painting. He says, it’s quite a contrast to her Deception offices, and she says she has no idea why he thinks her life is any of his business. Her life is of no concern to him. He asks why she’s so nervous, and she says, he shows up there, ignoring her wishes. She made it perfectly clear she did not want him there. They do not have a future together. He says he knows that they don’t have a romantic future together because there’s someone new in her life, right? Mike?

On the phone on the patio, Josslyn leaves a message for Carly, saying, she’s sure Carly had something important to do, but she took off without telling anyone, and they really need to start doing wedding prep. Call her back. Please. Jason comes back, and says he checked, and her mom left in her own car about twenty minutes ago. She said she had something to take care of before the wedding. Josslyn says, like what? Maxie’s handling the details, her mom’s dress is already at the church, and the makeup artist is meeting them there. Her mom said she wanted to do her own hair, and if she changed her mind and went to the salon, why wouldn’t she text? And why isn’t she answering her phone? Jason says he doesn’t know; let’s find out. He goes inside, and Josslyn follows. He calls Spinelli, and tells him, drop everything right now. He needs Spinelli to do something for him.

Nina asks what Jax knows about Mike, but he says, nothing really. He actually went to Ava to try and get some information, but she was very protective of Nina. She did tell him that Nina was happy, and he wanted to make sure she wasn’t hurting herself. She says Mike is the best thing that’s ever happened to her. When she found out Jax and Carly hid the identity of her daughter from her, her whole world derailed. Mike is the one who put it back together. When she needed understanding, Mike provided it for her. When she needed space, Mike gave it to her. And now Jax has the audacity to come in there, unannounced, and cast doubt on a relationship with a man he’s never met? Where is this coming from? He says, a jar of marinara sauce, and she asks what he’s talking about. He says, it sounds unbelievable, and that it can’t possibly be true. Then again, this Mike sounds too good to be true. So he’ll make her a deal. He’ll leave town and stop bugging her, and in return, he just wants an introduction. He wants to meet Mike.

Nikolas asks, where’s Paul? and Ava says she paid him off and sent him on his way this morning. Nikolas says, he would have called, but she says, maybe he was too busy cashing his bonus. In any case, meet Bubba and Floyd. They’re former UFOs. Floyd says, UFC, and she says, former UFCs. They were expelled for being too violent. Floyd asks if this man is bothering her.

Trina says, never mind. Forget she said anything. She gets up, and Spencer says, but she did say something, and it’s not like they can pretend they didn’t hear her. Trina says, right. Because she knows how committed he is to honesty and transparency. He says she marched in there, all fired up, and insinuated something pretty awful about Esme. That she might be Ava’s stalker? He thinks they deserve an explanation. Trina says it’s no secret how protective she is of Ava. Ava’s been good to her, and she’s going through a really horrible time right now. She’s giving up her daughter, her husband, and walking away from her entire life. For Esme to show up at the gallery to <air quotes> wish her well <end air quotes>, was incredibly self-centered, and in a word, tacky. To the point where she’s beginning to wonder if Esme’s curiosity in Ava is beyond a normal interest in her boyfriend’s family. Esme says, beyond the normal to what exactly?

Portia wonders if it isn’t strange that Barstow agreed to meet them and isn’t there. Curtis says, it could be innocent. Maybe he got called away for a normal reason. Or perhaps it was a decoy, and he lured them there as a stall while he got out of town. Jordan comes out the front door, and Curtis says he knows she didn’t just unlawful enter. Jordan says, of course (🍷) not. She had probable cause. The window pane on the kitchen door was broken from the outside. Glass was scattered all over the floor, so she had signs of a potential crime scene. Curtis says, and? and she says, see for yourself. They all go inside, and the whole place has been tossed. Jordan says she didn’t see any signs that anyone is still around. She needs to call this in, but she still doesn’t have any service. Portia asks if it might be better closer to the road, and volunteers to try. Curtis asks if she’s sure, and she says she’ll be by the road; she’ll be fine. Portia leaves, and Jordan tells Curtis that she needs to secure the scene for the local PD. He says, there were some buildings out back – a garage, a shed – he’ll go check those out. She says, just as a reminder, he’s not a cop. So don’t trespass or contaminate the crime scene. He says, copy that, and she says, one more thing. Be careful. He tells her to do the same, and goes out back. She looks around, and looks up the stairs. She notices a door underneath the staircase, and opens it. She gets her gun ready, and goes down.

Esme asks what kind of interest Trina thanks she has with her boss, and what does her daughter’s name have to do with whether she’s seen some hospital I.D. badge? Trina asks why it bothers Esme that she’s looking out for Ava, and Spencer says, it was a simple mistake. Let’s leave it at that. Esme asks if they can do that. Really? His, quote unquote, friend practically accused her of being his stepmother’s stalker. What’s going on here isn’t about her, and it certainly isn’t about Ava or her daughter. It’s about you, Spence. So let’s talk about that elephant in the room. Trina gives Esme that look. You know the one.

Ava tells her thugs, this is her husband. He is very willfully violating the restraining order she has against him. Ava’s phone rings (very loudly, and then it’s like they realized, and it goes down two notches), and she says, it’s a collector in Geneva. She has to take this. She doesn’t want him violating the restraining order again. Make sure he gets the message. She leaves the room, and Nikolas says, don’t worry; he’ll leave. Bubba grabs him, and says, not yet. He tells Floyd, you know what to do. Floyd pulls his fist back, and Bubba says, wait. Not the face. Floyd starts punching Nikolas in the stomach.

Curtis walks on a path through the woods, and tries his phone. He says, damn. Still no service. He hopes Portia’s having better luck, and keeps walking, cutting through the trees.

Jordan shines the flashlight down the stairs, her gun drawn. She gets to the bottom, and sees someone on a couch. She says, sir. She needs him to answer her. Is he hurt? She moves to the other side of the couch, and sees him lying down, eyes closed. She checks his pulse, and takes out his wallet. She looks inside at his driver’s license, and says, Roger Barstow. Dammit. She heads for the stairs, when a man comes out behind her.

Nina says Jax can’t see Mike, and he says, why not? She says, for one thing, he’s not here. Jax says he’ll wait, and she says, that’s not a good idea. He says he’ll make her a deal. He’ll leave her alone for good. He just wants to make sure he’s leaving her in the hands of someone who won’t hurt her. Because she’s a woman and can’t make her own decisions. Ugh. She says, Mike’s not going to hurt her. Besides, he forfeited the right to care about her a long time ago. He says, there she goes again with the nervousness. What is she afraid of? He knows her extreme overreaction has nothing to do with his presence. She’s in trouble; he can tell. He says he came there because he still cares about her; she can talk to him. He can help her. Sonny comes out, and asks if there’s a problem. Jax looks at Nina, and shakes his head. Rut-roh.

Ava’s thugs punch Nikolas, and Bubba asks if he’s had enough. Nikolas says, no, and they start punching him again. Ava runs in, saying, stop it. What are they doing? Bubba says she told them to make sure Nikolas got the message, and she says, she meant intimidate him. Scare him a little bit; not actually hit him. Bubba says, their bad, and Ava helps Nikolas up, then goes back out.

Esme says she’d hoped she and Trina could keep things between them, but she guesses that was naïve of her. She was nervous about coming to Spencer’s hometown, afraid she wouldn’t make a single friend. Imagine how happy she was to meet Trina. She’s smart, down-to-earth, and loves art as much as Esme does. The girls at boarding school were so fake and superficial, and here was Trina, just the opposite, authentic and evolved. She totally fell for it. She had no idea Trina was setting her up, but here she is, spinning wild conspiracy theories about her, and why? The only explanation is that Trina wants Spencer for herself. There, she finally said it.   

Jason asks if Bobbie has seen Carly, but Josslyn says she hasn’t. It makes no sense. Why would she take off? He asks if Carly got any calls that rattled her, and Josslyn says, she seemed distracted, but in an oh-my-God-I’m-getting-married way; not a worried about a crisis way. He asks if anyone stopped by to see Carly, and Josslyn says, just his mom. He asks if Josslyn knows what they talked about, but she says she was on the terrace with Trina. She wasn’t part of the conversation, but they looked like they were getting along fine, even though everyone knows they don’t get along because of AJ. He asks what she knows about AJ, and she says, besides him being Michael’s biological father? Not a lot. She knows he had a lot of problems, and when he and her mother married, it was a total disaster, which was partly her fault. He asks if Carly told her about it, and she says, a long time ago. Carly said, everyone acted badly, except Jason. He stood by Carly, and if she didn’t love him before that, she definitely loved him after. Spinelli calls, and Jason asks if he tracked Carly’s phone… Okay, he’s got it. He’ll take it from there. Josslyn asks if Spinelli found Carly, and he says he knows where her mother is, and knows why she’s there.

Jax stares at Sonny, and says, you’re alive. Sonny says Jax survived the dance at the firehouse, not him. He’s happy Jax bounced back from the bullet he took, but he’s going to be in a world of hurt if he doesn’t stay away from Nina. Nina says Jax wanted to meet Mike; here he is. Jax says, Mike, and Sonny asks if Jax has a problem with his name. Jax says, the whole situation is problematic, and Sonny suggests he fix it by removing himself from the Tan-O. Jax says, that won’t fix anything, and Sonny says Nina doesn’t want around him. Nina says if Jax leaves, everyone will be better off, but Jax says he knows a few dozen people who wouldn’t agree. She says, it’s not his business. Please just leave. Jax says she knows he can’t do this. Not after finding her there, living some twisted fantasy. Sonny says, the only fantasy is the one in Jax’s head. He’s not dragging Nina back to her old life. She’s happy right here. Jax says, and Sonny is happy there with her because he can’t remember a damn thing, can he?

At Barstow’s house, the guy comes out of the basement as Curtis is coming in, and asks what Curtis is doing in his house. Curtis says, please. He knows what the owner looks like, and it ain’t him. The guy runs, and Curtis chases him.

Portia looks down in the basement, and calls to Curtis. She asks if anyone is down there, and calls again for both Curtis and Jordan. She goes down the stairs in the dark, using a flashlight. She sees Jordan on the floor, and goes to her. She helps Jordan sit up, and says she couldn’t get a signal, so she came back, but everyone was gone. The door was open, so she came in to see what was going on. Jordan tries to stand up, and Portia tells her, take it easy. She has a head injury. She thinks Jordan has a concussion. Did she trip on something? Jordan says she was hit. She thinks the same person who did this, did that, and points to Barstow. Portia asks if he’s dead, and Jordan says, that’s Reginald Barstow. He won’t be giving them any information. Portia says, this is no longer fun. They need to get out now. She helps Jordan get up, and go up the stairs, but the door is locked. She says, dammit. They hear something, and see a rigged gas pipe that’s causing gas to leak into the room.

Running through the woods, the guy trips. He starts to get up, and Curtis pushes him back down with his foot. Curtis asks why he’s running, and the guy says, because Curtis is chasing him. Curtis says he was inside a house that doesn’t belong to him. The guy says he doesn’t have to answer to Curtis, and Curtis grabs him by the collar, and lifts him up so they’re eye to eye. He says, the cops are on their way. He’s going to have to talk to somebody about something. He can start with the owner of the house; where is he? The guy says he’s with Curtis’s lady-friend, and that’s not a good thing for her.   

Jordan bangs on the door, and yells for Curtis to get them out. Portia ties something to the pipe to keep the gas at a minimum, and says, the more Jordan yells, the more gas she’ll breathe in. Jordan says her phone still doesn’t have a signal. How is Curtis going to know they’re down there? Portia says they have to get out of there, and if they can’t, they have to find a way to get the gas out. She doesn’t see any windows, but maybe there’s a storm door. Jordan yells for Curtis some more, and Portia says, there’s got to be a way out. She sees some boxes, and says, a tool. She pulls a box down, and says, maybe there’s a tool they can use to open the door, or turn off the gas. She starts digging in a box, and hears Jordan tumble down the stairs. Portia runs to her, but she lies at the bottom out cold. Portia checks Jordan’s pulse, and tries to wake her.

Spencer tells Esme, stop; that’s enough. Esme says, enough what? Truth? Trina knows exactly what she’s talking about. They talked about Trina’s crush on him the other day. Beyond being rich and sophisticated, he’s also really handsome. Esme knows it, and so does Trina. She can’t blame Trina for being attracted to him, but when they talked the other day, she proposed another option. Instead of them being catty rivals, she suggested they be friends. She thought they had an understanding, but clearly she was wrong. Trina decided to go the cliché route, and turn Spencer against her. She honestly thought they were friends. It’s so incredibly disappointing. Trina says she’s sure Esme will get over it. She knows she will. She walks off, and Spencer follows her, saying, stop. Trina turns around, and tells him that he is rich and sophisticated, but let’s make one thing perfectly clear; he’s not handsome. She walks out, and Esme stands next to Spencer.

Ava comes back with a bag of frozen peas, and  tells her thugs to make themselves scarce. She tells Nikolas to take his shirt off, but he’s in pain, so she unbuttons it for him. He says, Bubba and Floyd might not understand how to send a message, but they get ten out of ten for a job well done. She tells him to stop talking, and puts the bag of peas on his stomach. He tells her a warning would be good next time, and she says she’s warning him. Anyplace else hurt? He points to his lips, and she says she knows that ploy; she’s seen that movie. He says, it’s a damn good movie, and she kisses him. We see the ripped restraining order on the floor.

Jax says, Mike, Mike, Mike. A man with no memory. Sonny says, way to keep up, buddy; that’s old news. Nina says, when Mike pulled himself out of the river last winter, he’d lost his memory. He didn’t know who he was. He just had a watch with an engraving, never enough time. Sonny says, and his name. Jax says, and no one recognized him, huh? So he asked people to call him Mike? Nina says, that’s right. In this town, the people love Mike. They gave him a place to stay, and a job. He’s happy here. He has a good life. Sonny says, it got better when Nina showed up to meet her old friend Phyllis, and Jax asks, what makes him assume his new life is better than his old one? Sonny says, how would he know? Why would he want to know if his life’s great now? As far as he’s concerned, nothing can improve on what he has with Nina. Jax says, what he has? and Sonny says, they love each other. Jax is dumbfounded

Josslyn opens the door, and Trina is on the porch, looking pained. Josslyn asks, what happened? and tells her to come in. Trina says she’s sorry to just show up. She knows Josslyn has to get ready for the wedding. Josslyn says, no. She’s fine; Trina is obviously not. What happened? Trina says she needs to vent, when Josslyn’s phone dings. Josslyn tells Trina, hold on, and she sees a text from Jason; Found your mom. Everything okay. She texts back, thanking him and asking if she should push back the makeup artist. She tells Trina, now that that’s settled, what’s going on? Trina says she was right about Esme. She’s as bad as Josslyn said. No, worse. And Trina played right into her hands.  

Esme looks at the menu, and whines, there isn’t a single vegan option. It’s 2021; how’s that possible? I have to admit, I’m also surprised the MetroCourt doesn’t have a vegan option. It’s pretty upscale. Spencer says he’s working on a text to Trina, and Esme asks why he wants to text her. He says he wants to check in. He feels bad. She says he feels bad about defending his girlfriend from a bunch of wild accusations? and he says, but they weren’t so wild. Esme torched Ava’s car, and planted the duplicate of Kiki’s hospital badge. Then she slipped and called her Loren. Trina didn’t imagine all that, and for them to pretend she’s just making this up, it feels like they’re gaslighting her. Esme says it doesn’t feel good to her either, but what are their options? They can tell Trina part of the truth, and she can take the fall for Ava’s problems. Or they can tell Trina the whole truth; that he concocted a plan to break up his father’s marriage. Maybe Trina will understand, or she’ll blow everything up, and take everything public, which seems likely, since she’s so loyal to Ava. Who knows? Maybe the truth will bring father and son even closer together. Even Ava. Whatever he wants, she’ll be behind him. All she wants is for him to be happy. She puts her arms around him from behind, and says, so, Spence, what makes you happy?

Ava tells Nikolas, she’s so sorry; she can’t. She calls Bubba and Floyd, and tells them to see to it Nikolas gets home. Nikolas says, don’t, and she says, check the mail when he gets there. They’ve passed the six-week minimum. Their divorce should be final any day, if it’s not already.

Curtis shoves the guy around a little, and asks what he knows about Jordan. The guy says he knows she’ll be dead soon unless Curtis helps her. He’s wasting time the lady doesn’t have. Curtis punches him out, and runs back to the house.

Portia tells Jordan that it’s her. Wake up. No, this is not the end. Not like this. Jordan says, Curtis, and Portia says, Curtis is going to find them. They’re not going to die. Their children need them. They have far to much life to live. TJ needs Jordan, and Trina needs her. She refuses to let her daughter live the rest of her life without her. She needs to tell Trina how much she loves her. She gets weepy, and says she needs to tell Trina the truth. The truth about her father. I freak out a little, because as soon as she said the truth the first time, I thought, Curtis is her father. I’ve just probably watched this so long, I think a sentence ahead of them.

Jason goes to a building that’s being renovated. The sign says it’s the site of a new branch of ELQ. He says, I figured you’d come back here.

Jax says, Mike/Sonny loves Nina? and Sonny asks why it’s so hard to believe. Jax says he’s just trying to put the pieces together. There’s nothing about Mike that even remotely fits the person he’s known Nina to be. Sonny says Jax used to be involved with Nina a long time ago. That’s over, and he needs to accept that, and let her go. Jax says he’s right about one thing. There’s no going back for Nina and him, but what Mike and Nina have is not love, because it’s built on lies. It’s time they both faced the truth.

And Jax is just the guy to give it to them. I know this was never going to come to a good end, but I hate that Jax is being mean about it when he’s been such a jerk.

Tomorrow, Curtis comes back to find Jordan, Nina asks someone to do one last thing for her, Maxie asks if Brook is setting her up, and Sonny says he doesn’t know who he was, but knows who he is now.

The Real Housewives of New York City – So… That Happened

Instead of taglines, we saw the women with their dogs. Marley silently judged Sonja. This was basically scenes we haven’t seen. What they used to insult our intelligence with calling, Lost Footage.

Leah wanted to have a pity party at Martin’s gym but he wouldn’t allow it. She and Sarah got in the ring. Sarah asked if they were annoying Martin, but he said they were annoying the people watching the show, which about summed it up. It was Sonja versus Ramona at a joint birthday party, where a game similar to Red Rover was played. The game host asked a question, and the women ran to whoever’s side they thought answered it best. For example, who was the best wingwoman and who picked the most fights. The winner in the latter category was Ramona, although in LuAnn’s interview, she said, Ramona didn’t pick fights, she just said mean sh*t. In Ramona’s interview, she said, maybe fights picked her. When it came to who was most likely to steal your date, the women agreed it was neither one; it was LuAnn. In Eboni’s interview, she said she’d seen LuAnn in action. Don’t leave your man around LuAnn, child. He ain’t gonna be there when you get back. The winner of the game was Sonja, with 28 against Ramona’s 27, and she was given a vase of roses. Woohoo.

Next, they played What Happens Next, which consisted of showing a scene, and we were supposed to guess the ending. The scenes were new, so some of it was fun, like seeing LuAnn fake everyone out with a fake tramp stamp in Salem, and Ramona picking her gum off the floor and putting it back in her mouth during a spitting contest at the gym. Why they were having this contest, who knows?

Sonja picked out interns, explaining in her interview that she had interns because she had so much wisdom to share. Although we didn’t see her impart much wisdom. One intern held an umbrella over her while she watered plants in the rain. Several helped to give Marley a butt bath, and got a lesson in removing dingleberries. And who knew Sonja smelled like mothballs? Sonja discussed the merits of mothballs, and hint: do not let your cat eat them; the cat will die. She said at least her sweaters were good. We also found out that Sonja was prone to eat expired whatever. She had vitamins from 2006 with mold on them, and was taking them. She told us that being a Sonja Morgan intern would get you to the next step. Whatever that is. Sonja is sort of like a homeless person who has money and a home.

Leah said if the women had anything in common, it was that they were a lot, and could be overwhelming for anyone in their orbit. We saw Sonja going off the rails about Ramona’s Instagram, and Eboni’s friend Natalie trying not to get involved. In Eboni’s interview, Natalie said she was good, except when they were overwhelming and loud, and the dog gets on the table. Eboni said Natalie was a bit bougie.

We revisited Salem, and saw the women getting their picture taken dressed up like traditional (i.e. Halloween) witches, Leah setting a place card on fire at dinner, and Leah giving a twerking lesson at the same dinner. To add to our amusement, there was a voiceover as though it was a travelogue, saying things like: Are you looking for a place to have a wicked stupid argument? Choose Salem. After which, an argument over how to spell faux ensued. There was also a discussion on Thorogood Marshall versus Judge Judy, who Eboni thought was a boss bitch.

In Eboni’s interview, she said being friends with the women was like being in a sitcom. She never knew what they’d say or do. The last segment was done old TV show style, the first one titled, Eboni and Ivories. It focused on inappropriate dinner discussions, such as Sonja’s vagina and backdoor sex. The second one was called Really, Ramona? and done in black and white. It began with Ramona insisting she had more class than the others, and comparing herself to Audrey Hepburn, who no doubt spun in her grave. We saw a family dinner with Mario and Avery, where Mario toasted to the trifecta.

Since the season is over, there was no preview, but I assume the Reunion will be next.

At the tail end, we saw a picture of LuAnn with her pup, and it said – In memory of Aston, 2006-2021.

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Still at that nightmare of a dinner, Erika asked if Sutton wanted to get sued. Kyle told Erika that when she said things like that, she gave credence to what Sutton was saying. In Erika’s interview, she said it wasn’t about her. It was about being careful what up said about people who weren’t there. Dorit said they didn’t ask to be in this situation, but they were. Erika ignored what everyone was saying, and said Sutton should be quiet. Dorit said it sounded like Erika was threatening Sutton, and Erika said Sutton had taken it to another level. She called Erika a liar, and was talking about someone’s health who she didn’t know. In Dorit’s interview, she said it sounded like Erika was saying if they had doubts or questions, they were in danger of being sued. Erika said she was about to lose her sh*t on all of them. Kathy told her to calm down, and LisaR told her to take a breath. I felt sorry for poor butler Patrick who had to watch this mess. Erika said if Sutton ever called her a liar again, she was coming for her. Trust her. After that, even the crickets were quiet. In Sutton’s interview, she wondered what Erika was saying. Was she going to wake up to a horse’s head in her bed? In Kathy’s interview, she said she’d entertained a lot, and couldn’t remember anything going off rails like this. On the bright side, it would mean more leftovers for her. Erika said, it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise, which is just about the most cliché thing you can say. Sutton got up, and said she wouldn’t be threated. She wasn’t used to people like that. She was out. Kathy deposited cutest-pup-ever Muffy with Erika, making everything good again. Erika said, if you have the balls to say it, have the balls to take the pushback. In Garcelle’s interview, she said it was the nastiest thing she’d ever seen. She, Kyle, and Kathy went outside to talk to Sutton, and inside, Crystal said she would have reacted the same way Erika did. I’m sure, except she’s hardly as intimidating. Kyle told Sutton that you can’t get sued for saying you didn’t think someone was being honest, and Garcelle said Kyle had been no help, urging Sutton to continue. Kyle said she was just helping Sutton get it out. At this point, Sutton left, as most of us would after Elsa’s evil twin threatened to turn us into ice sculptures. Garcelle went back in, and said Erika had freaked Sutton out, but Erika said no one was guilting her. She was being called a thief and a liar every day, and she wasn’t accepting this on top everything else. In Kyle’s interview, she said she’d seen Erika lose her temper, and we flashed back to Erika having glacial tirades at Eileen and Teddi. Kyle said it bothered her to see Sutton being intimidated and backing down, instead of telling the truth about how she was feeling. She thought Erika’s bark was worse than her bite. I wondered what the hell Kyle wanted. Sutton told Erika what she thought, and got a finger in her face for it. Should she belabor the point? I also wouldn’t be too sure about that bark thing. LisaR toasted to Kathy for having them. Forget a toast. I thought Kathy deserved a medal. Patrick too.

LisaR visited Garcelle, and they talked about LisaR and Harry doing a drive-by to drop off some of Harry’s sauce. LisaR asked Garcelle to fill her in about the dinner, since drunk Rinna had been in full swing. Garcelle said Erika lost her sh*t, and explained what happened. All LisaR remembered was Sutton and Erika having words, and ringing a bell. Garcelle said she was going to be having a Haitian dinner, and the two of them would have to figure it out. It wasn’t going to be easy. She’d texted Sutton, asking if she was okay, and Sutton said she was not okay. Garcelle said she could understand feeling like an outsider, and LisaR said she was on Garcelle’s side, but Garcelle didn’t feel the same. LisaR had taken Erika’s side when Garcelle mentioned Tom calling her, and hadn’t spoken up for her when Dorit was on her case at the launch party. LisaR said it wasn’t her place to say anything, and Garcelle spoke for us all when she said it was never LisaR’s place to say anything, but she always said something anyway. Because that wasn’t funny enough, in LisaR’s interview, she said her loyalty was to the truth; the truth as she saw it. Bitch, please. Because she had to make it even. LisaR said Garcelle had only thanked her in the moment for her birthday lunch, and not for a month of Sundays afterward. Garcelle also hadn’t sent a text after they’d dropped off Harry’s sauce. Garcelle said she thanked them when they were there, and LisaR said her point was that they could both do better. I felt the same way I do when someone is a drunken a-hole at a party, and then says, well, we were all drunk. Nope. Just you. Bitch, please.

Sutton brought Kyle to a private auction preview at Bonhams. They’d also brought out some amazing jewelry that wasn’t for auction, but could be had at a price, and Kyle bought a Cartier ring on the spot. Having been dazzled by the jewelry, I didn’t take note of the price, but I’m sure it was close to ten grand. Let’s all say it together – must be nice. In Sutton’s interview, she said she finds items for her store at auction, and I thought, oh, like me with eBay. Except my price point is way lower. Way, way lower. I actually thought some of the minimum bids were reasonable on the antiques. Kyle asked how Sutton was feeling, and Sutton said she hadn’t slept well. The hardest part had been Kyle repeating, be honest. She was. She couldn’t listen to someone saying they were going to sue her, and then be all sunshine. Kyle said that’s exactly what Sutton did, and I wondered if we’d witnessed the same dinner. Kyle said when she and Sutton had talked at Sutton’s house, she’d been much firmer. At the dinner, Erika said she didn’t want to talk, and Sutton was okay with that. Sutton said Kyle was starting to piss her off. She talked too much sometimes, like Dorit. Sutton walked away, as is her M.O. to avoid conflict, but I didn’t blame her. Kyle is such an idiot, it’s like she totally discounted Erika’s reaction. Because Kyle wouldn’t leave her alone, Sutton told Kyle, she’d said enough. She gave Erika the truth, and Erika didn’t like it. She’d done nothing wrong. In her interview, Sutton said, for a long time, her ex told her what to do. Now, she wanted people to talk to her like an equal, a friend, and don’t tell her what to do. She’s the boss now. She told Kyle that she’d been honest. She told Erika that she’d called her a liar, didn’t believe some things, and had a problem with the timeline. She said more than anyone said, because they were all scared of Erika. In her interview, she said they all wanted to know the answers, but wouldn’t step up and ask Erika directly; they wanted her to do it. Been there myself. Kyle said Sutton was the one who seemed afraid of Erika, and Sutton said Kyle would feel that way too with Erika’s finger in her face. Kyle said it bothered her to see Sutton back down, but it also bothered her to see Erika being so aggressive. She told Sutton that she and Erika had to figure out how to move on, but she didn’t want the anger directed at her. Here’s a suggestion: keep your nose out of it then.

Dorit and PK had couples time, and they toasted to her new line. Dorit said she wanted to have a launch party, just the girls and their husbands, which led to PK asking about Erika, who all roads lead to now. He thought her posts on social media were inappropriate given her situation. She made it look like she didn’t care. Dorit said the accusations were alleged, but he said there was no doubt something was up with the money. The only thing that was alleged was that Tom unhinged, and suddenly couldn’t remember anything. In Dorit’s interview, she marveled that you could be married to someone for twenty-two years, and find out they were someone else. PK said Erika needed to send the right message, and it wasn’t with her legs open in stockings. He’d never seen a worse response to anything. Dorit said Erika had to promote her lingerie brand to make money, but PK said she should change her branding. When circumstances change, you have to change. In her interview, Dorit agreed that Erika Jayne wasn’t a good look for Erika Girardi right now. Pk pointed out how he’d had to change some things around, and his issues were only corporate. Erika’s involved victims who were denied a life-changing amount of money.

Garcelle had the women over for a Haitian meal, saying she was opening her world and her culture to them. She wanted them to get to know her better, and vice versa. She brought in a chef because, even though she loved cooking, Haitian food took time. FYI, Erika still had a couple of glam squad people hanging around. In LisaR’s interview, she said she didn’t grow up in a fish family. She didn’t like fish, but she was going to try her best. That’s better than my husband, who will only eat canned tuna and fish sticks. Garcelle asked the bartender for a martini, and said, go light, because the night was young, but she wasn’t. Tucking that one away for reference. Sutton joined them, and in her interview, LisaR said it was so awkward, but everyone was on their best behavior, since Garcelle had invited them to her new home.   

The first course was pumpkin soup, and Garcelle explained that only the upper class ate pumpkin in Haiti; it took longer to grow, so was considered a specialty. Dorit said her mother was Moroccan, and there was a lot of flavor in their food, while American food was bland. A lot of countries have more flavor in their food. African food just about knocked my socks off. In her interview, LisaR said the food wasn’t what she was used to, but because it was Garcelle’s heritage, she was making an effort. Codfish cakes were next, and LisaR announced that she did it; she ate fish. Conch followed, and Kyle asked what it was. Garcelle described it as a snail, causing Kyle’s face to explode because she tried too hard not to make a face. In Garcelle’s interview, she said you never knew what you’d see in a Haitian kitchen. When she brought her first American friend over, there was a dead goat head in the kitchen, and the friend was out the door. They had crème brûlée for dessert, but not because it was traditional Haitian food. Erika messed with her phone, and in her interview, she said she was there for Garcelle, but scrolling the New York Times was more interesting.

After dinner, the women talked clothes, and someone brought up some yellow pants Kyle had worn. Erika didn’t remember them, and even though it wasn’t her place to say, LisaR told her that it was when they had their double-secret meeting Erika wasn’t invited to. Luckily, Erika, Dorit, and LisaR chose that time to leave. Back at the house, Garcelle said it was the first time Sutton had seen Erika, and Sutton told Garcelle, she had nothing more to say. She was good. Garcelle wondered if Sutton didn’t want an apology, but Sutton said she didn’t care. Kyle thought Erika deserved an apology because she is just plain out of her mind. Sutton said Kyle had pushed a conversation she hadn’t wanted to have at the dinner table with everyone involved, but Kyle said she’d just wanted Sutton to be honest. If someone had questioned her integrity, she’d want to know. How about questioning her sanity? Garcelle said the conversation was triggering her. Kyle claimed she wanted something said to her face, and not hung onto for six months, yet she blindsided Garcelle on Watch What Happens Live about not paying for an auction bid. We flashed back to that, and Garcelle said she would have preferred Kyle just calling and telling her. It wasn’t okay. Kyle said she’d thought they were okay, and in her interview, she said Garcelle was switching lanes again. No. She was just pointing out Kyle does the same things she accuses others of. Sutton said she was sick of being in the hot seat, and Kyle wondered what could be done about moving forward. They couldn’t just not talk to each other. Crystal said she didn’t think there was any moving forward, and we saw a clip where Erika told Crystal that she would never apologize. Ever. Crystal said there was no resolution. They were acting cordial, and that’s what a lot of people did. I imagine that is something she knows about, traveling in the Hollywood circles. In Kyle’s interview, she said she thought it was rude how they were icing each other out. It made everyone around them uncomfortable. Crystal said, no one had to hang out together and be phony, but Kyle said if it was an intimate dinner with just them, she’d want to fix it, even if it was just with a bandaid. In Crystal’s interview, she said no one needed to push people when it would just cause more pain. Kyle said, it is what it is, even though we all know she doesn’t mean that for a second. She told Garcelle it had been a beautiful night regardless.  

Next time, Garcelle gets a match, PK wonders if Tom is still the one in control, Mauricio says there are lies all over the place, and Garcelle tells Dorit to shut up.  

🥤 That’s Quite Enough…

Meet you here tomorrow for soap and whatever else comes along. In the meantime, stay safe, stay firm in your convictions, and stay not going into dark basements when you don’t know what’s down there. And maybe even if you do.