What I Watched Today

(rambling, random thoughts & annoyingly detailed recaps from real time TV watching)

General Hospital

My bad yesterday. I missed the first minute or so, but was in such a hurry, I forgot to see if there was anything that made a difference, and there was. Ryan is in a coma, not dead like it might have sounded. Moving on.

Chase tells Willow, it was a set-up, a lie. He never cheated on her. Willow doesn’t understand what he’s talking about.

Michael tells Carly that Willow walked in on Chase and Sasha. They were kissing, Chase’s shirt was off, and they even admitted they had an affair. She says, they lied; there was no affair. He asks why Sasha would lie to him. Why would she break his heart, and blow up her own life? Carly says, to save Wiley.

Willow tells Chase, he has to stop. He’s being cruel. He says she has to believe him, and she says she knows what she saw. Him and Sasha on the couch, half unbuttoned. It wasn’t a kiss hello; they were making out. And he admitted he and Sasha were having an affair. He says, he and Sasha never slept together. The only time he kissed or held her was when he heard Willow’s key in the door. She asks why they’d be so awful, and he says the lie was for her.

Nikolas tells Sonny, he’s the one who ordered the hit on Ryan. They knew Ryan was always going to be a threat, so he did something about it. Sonny asks why he’d take that risk, and he says he wanted to make sure Ryan never bothered his wife again.  

Britt says Jason took a big chance telling her his theory. How does he know she won’t turn him over to the man who hired her? Does he think she wouldn’t turn him over to Cyrus? He guesses they’ll find out. He’s taking a leap of faith with her. She says people don’t do that with her, and he says, the news of another overdose made her mad as hell. He’s guessing whatever deal she made with Cyrus, she didn’t sign up for this.

Julian tells Cyrus that he knows for a fact Taggert is alive. Cyrus says he heard Taggert was shot when his daughter was kidnapped and he tried to rescue her. Julian says, Taggert was definitely shot, but he was taken to GH. He doesn’t know the particulars of how Taggert faked his death, but he’s very much alive. Sonny is waiting to use him until he finds the right moment to take Cyrus down.

Jason says he did some digging into Britt’s past and she can be cutthroat and vindictive. She says he’s quite the charmer. Sam is a lucky woman. He asks if he’s wrong, and she asks what his point is. He says despite the things she’s done, she’s not a drug trafficker. She says he has to work really hard to find something decent to say about her, and he says Cyrus has been making deals people can’t refuse. She says, like who? and he says, Sonny’s cousin Brando. He’s Cyrus’s driver, but they know he does more than that. She says she’s never met him. Anyone she knows? He says, Cyrus has been trying to make a deal with Julian. He doesn’t know what kind of offer Cyrus gave her… She says he made her an offer to be Chief of Staff. Isn’t that enough? He says he thinks there’s something more, but it doesn’t matter. She didn’t sign on to be a front for a drug trafficker. Did she agree to clear the way so Cyrus could bring his drugs through the hospital? She says, even if she believes him, and Cyrus is running drugs through the hospital, or even manufacturing new ones there, what does he expect her to do about it?

Cyrus says, Julian expects him to believe Taggert is alive? Who gave him this information? Julian says, nobody. He saw Taggert right there with his own eyes, and he sure as hell wasn’t dead. Cyrus says, how does he know Sonny is involved? and Julian says, he confronted Sonny about Taggert. Sonny hardly looked surprised, and he didn’t deny it. Cyrus asks how they could pull it off, and Julian says he doesn’t know how Taggert is alive, he just knows he is. That information has to be worth more than planting a bomb that will kill Jason. So they’re even, right?

Ava says she doesn’t understand what Nikolas is doing, and Sonny asks why Nikolas’s wife sounds like she thinks he’s lying. Nikolas says they’re all family. Is it safe for him to speak freely? Sonny says, go ahead, and Nikolas says, Ryan has been tormenting his wife for years. Ava might have left him to rot in prison, but when that monster started tormenting her again, taunting them, he knew he had to make sure it didn’t happen again. Ava looks at Sonny.

Willow says Chase needs to stop. She needs it. She starts to leave, but he stops her, saying, she has to hear the whole story. She says she doesn’t want to have this conversation in public. She works there; people know her. He asks her to please come with him, and she reluctantly follows him into an office (probably Finn’s). He asks if this is better, and she says, none of this is better. When she caught him with Sasha, and he admitted they were having an affair, it obliterated her, but at least she thought he respected her. She thought he respected their love enough to admit his mistakes, and now he wants to take it all back? Why should she believe he’s telling the truth now? He says, because he is. It’s him; Chase. He would never hurt her in that way. She says, but he wanted her to believe he could hurt her that way? He said before that he did this for her. In what world is shattering her heart doing something for her? He says the only way she wouldn’t hate herself for choosing Wiley over him, is if she hated him first.

Michael tells Carly to spell it out, and she says, Sasha was trying to help him win custody. Diane told him that getting married would help strengthen his case, and Sasha suggested he marry Willow. Michael says, they decided the personal cost was too high, Chase most of all, so it was a non-starter. She says she doesn’t know why Chase changed his mind. Maybe he thought because he had a past with Nelle, and knew Michael needed the strongest case possible to win custody. Michael says, so they staged the affair to drive him and Willow away from them, and toward each other? Carly says, yes, and he says, oh my God, Chase and Sasha never slept together. It was a trick to get him and Willow to marry, and they were both in on it. Carly says, yes, and they sacrificed their own happiness to save Wiley from Nelle. Michael says, and it worked, but Carly says, it wasn’t supposed to turn out like this. He asks how Carly could know the truth and not tell him.

Willow says, Chase and Sasha made up the entire story? They planned her and Michael walking in on them, and she lying about having an affair. They did that because of Wiley? He says, it was an extreme situation. Sasha was in love with Michael, and he loved Willow, but he and Sasha agreed it was horrible how Michael had been robbed of being Wiley’s father for two years. All that time, the babies had been switched, and Willow thought Wiley was her biological son. Of course (🍷) she developed natural feelings for him, but he knew as well as anyone, the dirty tricks Nelle was willing to use. So he and Sasha realized the most important thing was for Michael to get full custody. They knew marrying Willow would improve his chances of winning… Willow says, so they decided to play God. Why not just tell them? Why break their hearts and make her and Michael believe they cheated?   

Michael says Carly knew there was never an affair, and Sasha didn’t cheat on him. He was hurting over something that never happened, and she didn’t say anything. She says it’s not like she was included in the plan, but it didn’t make sense. She saw how Sasha still looked at him. He says, so Sasha never told her directly, and she says, not until a week ago. She saw Sasha at Nina’s, and she was in bad shape. She called Sasha out on it, and Sasha admitted the sacrifice she’d made, and that she did it for Wiley, since Wiley belonged with him and Willow.

Nikolas asks if Sonny doesn’t think he has the connections to pull off a hit in Pentenville. It might not be his line of work, but he’s a Cassadine. He made a few calls, and got rid of the problem. Sonny says he didn’t finish the job. Ryan is still alive. That’s the thing with amateurs; they shouldn’t be doing a professional’s job. Nikolas says Ryan won’t come out of the coma, but Sonny says, they don’t know that. If he does, they’ll have a bigger problem on their hands.

Cyrus says he and Julian are far from even. The news is intriguing, but not nearly enough to wipe away his debt. Julian says he gave Cyrus inside information on Sonny’s plan; it’s got to be worth something. Cyrus says Julian told him that Taggert is allegedly alive. Does he have proof? Photos? Julian says he saw Taggert the night he saw Nelle trying to kidnap Wiley. He didn’t have time to pose for a selfie. Cyrus says, all he has is Julian’s word. Desperate people will say anything, and he still needs someone to take care of his Jason problem. Julian says, there’s no guarantee Jason will be the only one in the building. He’s not hurting or killing innocent people. He’s calling Cyrus’s bluff. Go ahead and tell Sonny. He’ll be long gone before Sonny can do anything. Cyrus says Julian might be willing to live his life on the run, but there are still people close to him in Port Charles; Ava, Avery, his sons Leo and Lucas, Sam and her kids. He does have photos in case Julian needs a visual reminder. He shows Julian pictures on his phone.  

Jason says he’s not asking Britt to get involved, and she says, really? He wants her to take sides. He says what he’s asking is for her to keep an eye out, and be aware. If anything seems out of order, let him know. She says it’s hard to believe they don’t have people there who give them regular updates. He says they did, but they were fired, resigned, or their hours were cut. She says she had nothing to do with firing Monica and Bobbie, but Elizabeth and Epiphany gave her endless grief when she worked there before. She has zero regret for doing a preemptive action. He says, unless and until Cyrus backs off, he needs a resource that has access; someone he can trust. Britt says, trust isn’t a word often used to describe her, and he says, maybe someone needs to give her a chance. His phone dings, and he gets a text from Sam, wondering where he is. Britt says, whatever he thinks about her, good or bad, she’s not like a cop on the take. She doesn’t give information in exchange for cash. He says he didn’t offer to pay her. He didn’t think she was for sale. She says she’s Chief of Staff. The last thing she wants to do is help start a war with Cyrus.

Julian looks at Cyrus’s phone, and says, pretty cute, right? Scrolling through the pictures, Cyrus says, here’s his son Lucas is at work, Leo is at the Quartermaine mansion, and here’s Ava and her husband out and about. Julian asks, what his point? He took some photos with his fancy phone? Cyrus says he didn’t take them. As soon as Julian came to him, he had an associate begin to monitor those near and dear to Julian. Desperate people aren’t the most reliable. They panic and run. It’s the best insurance policy when he goes into business with people to get them to stick around and keep their end of the deal, if Julian catches his drift. Julian says he can’t believe this is happening again. Things went wrong with Alexis, and nothing he’s done has straightened out his life, and gotten it back on track. He keeps getting involved with people who want to control him. He says no to Cyrus, and the first reaction is to threaten his family. What is it about him that people like Cyrus think he’s willing to do horrible things? Cyrus asks if he really has this little self-awareness. He researched everyone Julian did business with, and he knows Julian helped his sister Olivia, and his late wife Nelle. Julian keeps making deals with the devil, and doesn’t understand why he gets burned. He wanted to cover his crime. Julian says he wanted Lucas to keep the son he loved, but Cyrus says, a child he had no right to keep. That Julian aided and abetted a kidnapping is bad enough, but the child was a Corinthos. Julian put his life on the line and came to him. Julian knocks the glass out of Cyrus’s hand, and Cyrus says Julian’s actions have consequences. He doesn’t know how Julian got to this point, but he didn’t learn his lesson. If he doesn’t like the circumstances, he has no one to blame but himself.

Sonny tells Nikolas, a high profile prisoner gets stabbed in prison, and he thinks there won’t be an investigation? Nikolas says he doesn’t think anyone will bother. When Ryan dies, they’ll feel relief, especially Doc. Sonny says it’s a territory that Nikolas isn’t familiar with. All it takes is one aggressive DA, who wants to make a name for themselves, and the investigation will lead to him on Spoon Island. Does he know what kind headache that will bring Ava and Avery? Don’t do that to his daughter. Nikolas promises Sonny, no way will Ryan’s death ever get traced back to him. Sonny gets a text, saying, on my way over. Sonny says, if you take a shot this big, you can’t miss. And Nikolas did.

Chase asks if Willow remembers; they talked about it  before the custody hearing. Diane let Michael know that if he married Sasha, it would hurt the case, and Sasha suggested Willow marry Michael. Her reaction was that she thought the idea was absurd. She says he did too, and he says, she’s right, but his immediate reaction was to think only about himself. He didn’t want her to marry another man, even to keep Nelle away from Wiley. She asks what changed his mind, and he says, it wasn’t a typical custody case. Michael and Nelle weren’t fighting over what preschool to send Wiley to. Nelle gave up her baby to punish him, and kept him away for two years. There’s no question it was horrible, and horrible for Wiley. She asks why they came up with this plan, and he says she and Michael are so much alike. He never would have asked her to marry him to save Wiley, and she would never have done it because she didn’t want to hurt him. The only way to do right by Wiley was to take themselves out of the equation, which is exactly what they did.

Michael says Carly knows how much he loved Sasha, and Carly says when the scandal broke about Sasha pretending to be Nina’s daughter, she had reservations, but Michael stood by her. He says, and when she found out about their ridiculous plan… She says no one told her, and she didn’t think what they did was ridiculous. It was smart and noble to sacrifice their own happiness, and she wanted it to work. She wanted them to beat Nelle. As bad as the fallout was, imagine how much worse it would have been. So she kept her mouth shut. He asks if that’s her way of saying she lied, and she says, to protect her grandson. He asks if she thinks she made Wiley safer by withholding information from his father. He’s a grown man. She doesn’t make his life choices, or Sasha and Chase. She should have told the truth, period. End of story.

Carly says she knows Michael is angry, and he has every right to be. It’s not fun being manipulated, but now that he  knows the truth, he can see Sasha’s intentions were good. He says he spent so much time being angry at Sasha, that she had such little respect for their relationship that she’d throw it away when things got tough. Now that he finds out it’s the opposite, of course (🍷) he’s grateful, but he doesn’t know what comes next. It’s more complicated now. Carly says, because of Willow?

Willow says, take themselves out of the equation? She was his girlfriend. They lived together. Half of the equation was her. How dare he make a fundamental decision about their relationship without including her? Even if she believes what he’s saying, that they were being noble and self-sacrificing, why is he telling her now? Nelle lost custody months ago. He says, until Nelle went missing, they thought if Willow and Michael ended the marriage, Nelle would use it to relitigate. She says, Nelle’s body was found weeks ago. The danger to Wiley was over. Why didn’t he tell her the truth then? He says he wanted to, but he saw her and Michael together, and could tell they were falling in love. Willow says, so he was monitoring their progress? and Chase says, one day when he was in the park and they didn’t see him, he heard their conversation; they were talking about kissing. As much as it killed him to hear that, it opened his eyes. She and Michael were creating a real family. He convinced himself if he told the truth, it would hurt her all over again, and he couldn’t bring himself to do that. She says, so why now? What’s different? He says, tonight, when Finn was in surgery, he didn’t know if Finn would live or die. She came to visit him despite all the pain and suffering. He hurt her, but she came to visit him. He can’t deny it anymore. She says, deny what? and he says, that he still loves her. He never stopped loving her. She starts to cry.

Sonny tells Nikolas, make sure he takes care of the situation. Clean up his mess so Sonny doesn’t have to. He leaves, and Ava asks why Nikolas did that. He says, because he’s not an idiot. It’s obvious either she or her brother had to do something to keep Sonny from hearing whatever information Ryan wanted to pass on, and he took responsibility so Sonny won’t dig deeper. Ava says that’s almost sweet of him, and he says, he wants to be clear. He doesn’t want to know anything else that will get his head served on a platter, but if she wants his advice, convince her brother to disappear before the house of cards he’s built over the years finally collapses.   

Britt tells Jason, even if it’s the truth, and Cyrus is a big bad drug kingpin moving product through the hospital, what can she do about it? She doesn’t spend her off-time at a gun range. He says he’s just looking for information, and she says, that might lead to an ambush. She’s not an assassin, and not signing a man’s death warrant. He says he just needs her to keep her eyes and ears open. He thinks she’ll do the right thing when the time comes. He leaves, and she goes to the reception desk. She makes a call, and says she needs a complete inventory of the pharmaceutical department. She says, the Chief of Staff, that’s who authorized it.

Cyrus tells Julian, the package will be delivered shortly. Hang onto it, and don’t open it. He’ll get instructions as to where to deliver it. Julian says, then what? He’s going to deliver a bomb that kills people? Cyrus suggests he deliver it as soon as he gets the drop-off location. Julian says, and local potential bystanders are collateral damage? Cyrus says, let him worry about that. One more thing, he read Nelle’s letter. He’s keeping his end of the agreement, and took care of the last loose end tied to the kidnapping. Julian is welcome. He walks to the door.

Britt says, when they get the inventory done, get it to her asap. She sees someone being wheeled in. She looks at the patient, and says, oh my God. Brad. The paramedic asks if she knows him, and she says, he used to be head of the lab here. What happened? The paramedic says, he was attacked in his cell in Pentenville. He’s stabilized, but needs to get to the OR stat.

Julian tells Cyrus, hold off. What is he talking about, loose ends? Cyrus says several other people are aware of Julian’s misdeeds, and he’s not referring to Ava. What’s the point of living if other people can exploit him? Julian asks what the hell Cyrus means, and Cyrus says, the package will arrive shortly. He’ll be in touch. He leaves, and Julian puzzles over it.

Willow says, Chase is still in love with her? and he says, of course (🍷). He never stopped loving her. He tried, but every time he saw her, he could tell she was falling for Michael. After the heartbreak, he thought she deserved to be happy. He told himself if was over. They couldn’t be together; it wouldn’t work. But a small part of him hoped they would find their way back to each other, that their love was bigger than all this craziness. Almost losing Finn put a lot of things in perspective. He felt he had to be honest, and set the record straight. When he went to the Quartermaines’ and walked in on her, he realized maybe her heart had already moved on. She turns away from him, and says, so they had a whole conversation at Charlie’s about being honest, and he was covering up the truth? He says, when she said she felt like her being with Michael contributed to Sasha’s issue, he couldn’t let her blame herself. Now she knows. Sasha never would have gotten back with Michael. Sasha broke up with Michael because she loves him, just like he broke up her because he loves her. Willow says she has to get back to Michael and Sasha, and jets.

Carly says she knows Michael’s not in the mood for a heart to heart conversation with her, but she’s not blind. She can see he’s starting to have feelings for Willow. It makes sense. It’s an intimate way to get to know someone, and they both love Wiley so much. They have a lot in common. He says he doesn’t want to talk about Willow in there, and she says, sorry. She asks if he wants to get coffee, or talk in the hallway, but he says, no. He wants to be alone with Sasha. Carly says she loves him, and she’s always there for him. She leaves, and he sits by Sasha’s bedside. In the hallway, Carly shakes her head.

Michael tells Sasha, so there was no affair. Sasha and Chase staged it to push him and Willow together. Intellectually, he understands, but in his heart, he was so angry with her and Chase. He felt betrayed. He trusted them, and lost two people in his life, and now finds out it’s all a lie. Look at how much Sasha suffered because of that lie,  but if she and Chase hadn’t done what they did, he might not have gotten custody, and Wiley would still be at risk. There’s no way Willow could have adopted Wiley. His son’s life is infinitely better because of the sacrifice Sasha made. He says he doesn’t know who he can possibly repay the debt. Willow stands in the doorway, and Michael takes Sasha’s hand as tears roll down Willow’s cheeks.   

Sonny finds Taggert on the terrace, and says he can’t just walk in whenever he feels like it. Taggert says, he texted, and Sonny says Ava and Nikolas were there; good thing. Taggert says, Epiphany knows he’s back. Sonny says, he called her? but Taggert says she spotted him at GH. Sonny asks what he was doing there, and Taggert promises he was discreet; in a full hospital suit. Sonny says he could have been spotted be a lot of people. What if his ex saw him? Taggert says, Portia thinks he’s dead. Epiphany knows he’s alive. Sonny says, makes sense, and Taggert says he owes Epiphany a thank you. She was one of the people who orchestrated the plot. Sonny says, she’s loyal, and they’ll need her on their side moving forward. Taggert asks what he means, and Sonny says, this cold war with Cyrus isn’t going to remain that way much longer.

Julian flashes back to Cyrus giving him instructions about the package delivery. He hears a knock at the door, and takes out a baseball bat. (Hint: It’s too dark to be playing baseball.)

Tomorrow, Lulu asks Dante to join her, Ava tells Julian to let Nikolas get him out of town, and Carly asks Jason how long before this comes to an end?

The Real Housewives of Orange County

Kelly asked if Rick was excited to move, and he said he wanted to make her happy and comfortable, and take care of her. In her interview, she said he’d shown her what real love is about.  

We saw the beginnings of the coronavirus being talked about on the news. Gina met with Emily and Emily’s trainer. They acted like this was a hard workout, but I was like, damn, I can do push-ups against a picnic table. Gina said Emily’s hip replacement changed both their lives. Afterward, they discussed Gina’s birthday dinner for Sienna, and Matt’s upcoming trial. Gina said she wanted Matt to accept responsibility, and in Emily’s interview, she said she knew Gina didn’t want Matt to have a felony, but he was a classic narcissist who made her feel guilty about what she does. Gina told Emily that she didn’t want to make Matt upset by testifying, but Emily thought she should do it. Gina asked Emily to go with her, and Emily said she would.

Elizabeth met with Braunwyn and they went biking. Braunwyn said she shouldn’t have gone to Shannon’s party; she wasn’t ready. In Elizabeth’s interview, she said Braunwyn reminded her of her sister. She couldn’t help her sister, but she could help Braunwyn. She admitted to Braunwyn that she shouldn’t have cheersed [sic] with the others after Braunwyn left. Braunwyn said she was learning who her friends were, and she knew Shannon wasn’t one of them. Shannon told two different stories. All I could think was, omg, it was one word. Forget about it. Braunwyn said she’d never held her ground before with any of the women, and now she could. In her interview, Braunwyn said a good friend would have given her a heads up that it was going to be tequila city. Braunwyn told Elizabeth that she was putting herself first for the first time. Elizabeth said when she was with her ex, there were only yes people around, and she needed someone to give her a hard time. In her interview, she said she paid for everything with her friends, like trips on private jets, but when she didn’t have it, they were gone. She learned early on friends were fake when you have money. She doesn’t let money define her, but for years, when she was with her ex, she did. Braunwyn said she didn’t feel she could trust her mom anymore, after Deb outed her to Tamra, and Elizabeth wondered, what kind mother does that? Braunwyn said Deb was coming to the vow renewal, and Elizabeth thought it would be a new beginning for Braunwyn. Braunwyn wondered if a nice, pleasant day was too much to ask.

Travis and Gina had a parents night out, and met Elizabeth and Jimmy, and Shannon and John for dinner. Shannon said she stockpiled for the coming virus, and John said they cleaned out Trader Joe’s. So they were the ones. In Gina’s interview, she said Shannon was the type of person she could believe had a secret bomb shelter. Shannon said Amazon was sold out of sanitizer and wipes, and Gina said that was because Shannon bought it all. They toasted to good friends and no virus. Shannon blabbed that Gina had gone to an AA meeting with Braunwyn, and Gina said it changed her whole perspective of Braunwyn. Shannon asked if Braunwyn had shared, and since Gina doesn’t understand what the word anonymous means, she said Braunwyn shared personal stuff about her anger, and wasn’t proud that she misappropriated it. She’d said it was easier to be angry at someone else. Clearly, Braunwyn had been taking it out on Gina. Shannon said it was good Braunwyn had admitted it, and Gina said Braunwyn had been really vulnerable in front her, when she’d been ready to rip Braunwyn’s head off. Elizabeth said she and Braunwyn had a moment when they were on their bikes. Braunwyn opened up, and Elizabeth was glad she’d had a breakthrough with her. Gina asked how she could be angry, when Braunwyn straight up acknowledged she’d been wrong? Shannon said Braunwyn hadn’t done that with her; Braunwyn was adamant about her position, when Shannon had been a good friend. It was hurtful to her. Gina suggested Shannon give Braunwyn time. Elizabeth said it was awesome that Sean was supportive, but he needed to be supportive about not being enabling. Gina said it was going to take them a lot as a family to fix it. She wasn’t going to make it worse. In Shannon’s interview, she said it was good to hear Braunwyn stopped gunning for Gina, but if Braunwyn being sober meant she was going to conduct stories in her head, things weren’t getting better on Shannon’s side. Because it’s all about her. Gina said she was going to the vow renewal, but Travis couldn’t go. She told them that Braunwyn wasn’t having tequila, and Elizabeth said Braunwyn thought it was important for her sobriety. In her interview, Shannon said if she was going on vacation, she was going to be drinking. She wanted to enjoy herself, but wouldn’t do it in front of Braunwyn. She thought Elizabeth and Gina may be taking it too far. OH MY GOD! IT’S A TRAGEDY! AN OUTRAGE! NO TEQUILA! Please.  

Kelly met with her partner Zack because Positive Beverage was going to be sold in Target. In her interview, Kelly said, to the haters who didn’t think she’d be a success – we flashed back to the reunion where Vicki screamed that Kelly wasn’t a businesswoman – look at her now. She accompanied that with a double middle finger. They saw that the Expo West had been canceled due to the virus, and in her interview, Kelly said they’d gotten a lot of business from the venue the year before. So they’d spent a bunch of money to be there, and poof! it was gone. She told Zack that Shannon was also going to manufacture a water, and staff member Keith said it was probably more work than Shannon could comprehend. Kelly thought Shannon wanted to compete with her. Keith said their new beverage had prickly pear, but Kelly didn’t know what that was. I guess she never saw Jungle Book or a decent produce stand.

Braunwyn and Sean visited Deb with some of the kids. In Braunwyn’s interview, she said the issues between her and Deb were theirs; Deb was still the kids’ grandmother. She wanted to get the first interaction out of the way. Deb and husband Brian had bought property a decade ago, and were finally building their dream home now that Brian was done with his residency. It was quite impressive, although in her interview, Braunwyn said it wasn’t home to her. Deb asked about Kelly and Shannon, and Braunwyn said she and Shannon weren’t talking. Things were uncomfortable. Deb said, Gina hadn’t seemed interested in her, and Braunwyn said, now that she wasn’t drinking, no one else wanted to hang out with her. Deb said they might be thinking Braunwyn wasn’t nearly as fun. In Braunwyn’s interview, she said it wasn’t the worst thing she’d ever been called, and they’d been saying she was boring for a year. We flashed back to Tamra acting stupid at a dinner, and calling Braunwyn boring. Braunwyn felt her mother had been using her addiction as a weapon against her for a long time, saying she didn’t know what she was talking about, since she was drunk, and telling her that she was broken. If only Deb would say she was proud of what Braunwyn was doing now. It was obvious this was very emotional for Braunwyn, since she could barely talk about it, and I had to paraphrase.

The women all met at Shannon’s house, and went to the vow renewal together in a van limo. Shane was the only dude, as John was driving the kids. He wondered if at a vow renewal, you said, I did. Shannon asked Kelly if Rick was freaking out about being in NYC with the virus going on. Kelly said he wasn’t, but she was a little. Shane asked if they were there yet. 

Sean and Braunwyn checked into the Parker Palm Springs hotel, and no surprise, their suite was beautiful. The other women had champagne in the limo. Kelly asked if Shannon had met David’s fiancé, but Shannon said she hadn’t, and at this point, it was awkward. In Shannon’s interview, she said she didn’t get it. Someone was living with her kids that she hadn’t met, and it was weird. All she cared about was if David’s fiancé was kind to her kids. She said she didn’t look at his Instagram, and Emily asked if Shannon would like to unblock her. Shannon did, and in Emily’s interview, she said, three years and five shots later. There should be confetti coming down.

Braunwyn’s best friend Shari arrived, and in her interview, Braunwyn said Shari made the calls for help when Sean said she was fine. Shari was like her guardian angel. Braunwyn explained that her stepdad couldn’t be there, since he was an urgent care doctor, and because of the virus couldn’t be around people. Elizabeth said she was going to try to be good, but she wanted a drink. In Gina’s interview, she said Elizabeth was on another planet. She couldn’t talk about her divorce, yet she only talked about her divorce. Gina told them that there wasn’t going to be tequila at the reception, since it was a trigger for Braunwyn. AGAIN, IT’S A NATIONAL TRAGEDY EVEN BIGGER THAN THE VIRUS! Kelly said it was like if she had diabetes, and didn’t serve cake at her birthday. Gina said it was just tequila, and Kelly wondered why everyone was being punished when it was Braunwyn’s problem. She insisted on stopping at a liquor store. In Gina’s interview, she says Kelly was as sensitive as porcupine. Everyone who knows me, knows I can totally live without tequila. It tastes like death, and I fail to grasp what everyone else sees in it. Although I do have one friend who asked what I expected from something made out of cactus.

Braunwyn said she had friends flying in, and needed to show herself she can have fun without drinking. After the other women stopped at the liquor store for three bottles of tequila, they got to the venue. Shannon wasn’t excited to see Braunwyn, saying their last encounter didn’t end so well. She was respecting Braunwyn’s sobriety by asking that the tequila be put in her room. Kelly walked in with a bottle under her arm, claiming she didn’t know it was a trigger. Once again, a Housewife doesn’t remember they’re being filmed, and that the world will know she knew. Gina promised to be Braunwyn’s sober friend. Even though she didn’t understand the word anonymous, Gina turned out to be the only decent person in the group.

Kelly talked to her dog using FaceTime, and Shannon noticed a sign outside, saying no person was allowed in the pool if they’d had diarrhea in the last fourteen days. John wondered who monitored that. Gina called Travis, and said she and Braunwyn had come a long way, and he says that’s not what he would have expected. Elizabeth wanted to drink champagne with Jimmy while linking arms, but he refused, saying she always messed it up. Gina ate with Emily and Shane, and said Kelly was insensitive. Shane said Kelly was making jokes about someone with a struggle. Emily told them that Elizabeth said she might get her eggs frozen, since she might want kids, but she thought Jimmy might not want them. Shane told them Jimmy said he had no strong desire to have children, and we saw a clip confirming that. Emily said Elizabeth was talking artificial insemination, and Gina said she thought there was weird stuff going on. In Gina’s interview, she said Elizabeth and Jimmy weren’t having sex, and you needed to have sex to have a baby. Um… Does she not know what artificial insemination is?   

Everyone got dressed up for the vow renewal, and Braunwyn looked fabulous. In her interview, she said she knew the minute Sean walked in the door, they’d be together forever. Twenty years later, she was just figuring herself out, and she was excited for the future. We saw clips of Shannon getting ready and generally freaking out, saying her neck looked fat and she had a fat ass. Her entire party was dressed in black, and she said they looked like they were dressed for a funeral, which they totally did. In her interview, Shannon said some people thought having a vow renewal was a curse, and we flashed back to Vicki having one, and then Shannon. She said she had better hope for Braunwyn and Sean. Since Rick couldn’t be there, Zack came with Kelly. She called him her second gay husband, and he said Shannon looked like a mortician.  

Kelly asked Shannon to tell Zack about the water she had coming out, but Shannon didn’t know what she was talking about, saying she wasn’t doing water. She was coming out with a supplement. We flashed back to Shannon telling Kelly she was manufacturing a tincture. In Kelly’s interview, she said it sounded like sphincter, and she clearly didn’t know what it meant. Dictionaries all around this Christmas. Shannon told John that Kelly made it sound like she was trying to go after her. In her interview, she said she was an ethical person, and would never infringe on someone’s product. For Kelly to assume that she would was hurtful. In Braunwyn’s interview, she said drag queen Babette Schwartz was also a minister, and who better to officiate for this stage in her life? Shannon would not shut up about the water thing, asking John repeatedly why Kelly would do that, saying, are you kidding me? and adding, an honest to effing God.

Babette got the ceremony going by asking everyone to take their seats, and introducing the kids. Braunwyn and Sean followed. Babette said it was obvious some guests were a few cocktails in, and said the rest of them needed to catch up or turn up. In Gina’s interview, she said Babette’s makeup was on point, but she was extremely turned up. Braunwyn said Sean had been with her through everything, and she had a gift for him; a statement necklace. In Emily’s interview, she said Sean loved a statement necklace, and it reminded her of Survivor. It was like he had an immunity idol. Braunwyn said she told Sean on their first date that she didn’t want to work and wanted five kids, and he didn’t run. Sean said he’d do it again, and gave her a ring he had made, with gemstones representing each of their kids. Babette asked if the children had vows to their parents, which Jacob totally misunderstood. In what was meant to be a sweet moment, he tried to do some stand-up, asking Sean if he vowed to love Braunwyn even after she embezzled all of his money and took off in a helicopter, and asking Braunwyn if she vowed to love Sean even after he got famous and bounced off with a 12 year old model. This went over like a lead balloon, but Bella recovered the moment by saying she could only dream of having the love her parents did. In Braunwyn’s interview, she said it was amazing to be able to commit to Sean, being fully present and meaning it. Babette said she gave to  them again, Mr. and Mrs. Windham-Burke.

Shannon told John that she needed to tell Gina something, and jetted to the other side of the room, where she babbled to Emily and Gina about Kelly saying she was doing water, when she’d said it was a tincture. Emily said those were two different things. Shannon continued to whine, when Kelly joined them, and asked what was going on.  

Next time, Shannon gets sh*tfaced, Emily says Braunwyn’s kids have lice, and Emily questions herself.

The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City

Jen went apesh*t at Meredith’s birthday party, yammering about Mary saying she smelled like a hospital when she’d returned from her aunt’s leg amputation. Taking it to the ladies room, Jen said it was disrespecting her family. In Heather’s interview, she said she couldn’t believe Jen was fighting at Meredith’s party. Mary joined them, and tried to explain the smell was a trigger for her, and Jen was taking it the wrong way. Meredith asked them not to do this there, but Jen wasn’t having it, and wouldn’t let it go. In Jen’s interview, she said she’d move on, but – she did that V thing with two fingers – she was watching Mary. Apparently, Lisa had provided tequila and bartenders for Whitney’s vow renewal, and Whitney told her that the bartenders had helped themselves, broke glasses, and the tequila ran out at 6 o’clock. In Lisa’s interview, she said she’d gifted Whitney, and it wasn’t her problem. In Whitney’s interview, she said Lisa was mad at her because she was telling her that she wasn’t perfect. She wasn’t crazy about Lisa’s tequila anyway. Again, it all tastes like death to me. I’d rather drink Jager, and that tastes like cough medicine.

Jen gave her husband the low-down about the birthday party, but claimed it was just the girls. He said if her neck started poppin’, it was about to go down. Meredith called Heather, who suggested they plan a ski trip. Lisa was still annoyed with Whitney, wondering how it was her problem when she’d done a good deed and was generous. End of story. Heather said, if you live there and don’t ski, it’s a tragedy. I don’t ski, but I definitely agree. Those mountains are heavenly. Heather and Whitney went ski shopping. Heather said it was a magnificent party, but she was unprepared for Lisa being so dismissive. Her feelings were hurt. Whitney said Lisa accused her of being a swinger because she had a stripper pole, and in her interview, explained that since plural marriage was legal there, there was a huge swinger community. There was polygamy in her family, and she understood there was a telephone tree system from house to house, so the wives could hide when the sheriff was coming. Growing up, she was the perfect Mormon girl. Heather thought Lisa was judgmental, but told Whitney they’d have fun. She always tried to solicit a hot ski instructor.

Whitney’s dad visited, and in her interview, Whitney said she had always been a daddy’s girl. I wondered why he had a Herman Munster haircut, especially when she revealed he was a hair stylist, but then Whitney said he’d been addicted to painkillers for the last ten years. He was a self-made millionaire, and his addiction took everything away. He’d self-medicated after her parents’ divorce, and was starting over at 63. She said most Mormons view addiction as a consequence of your own choices, but she stood by him. She believed her dad would be dead if he hadn’t had her support.

Meredith and husband Seth went out to dinner. Seth asked who Meredith told about their separation. In Meredith’s interview, she said the marriage just broke down. They’d been building their businesses and raising the kids, working on different coasts. There was no communication, and hostility built up. They became completely disconnected. She told him, life changes and they have to go with it. Seth thought Meredith was hiding something because she wouldn’t show him her phone. They ended up toasting to fun, but I wasn’t sure what was really going on with them.

Mary stayed on the easy ski trail, and ended up making snow angels. Jen was also not an expert, but everyone else seemed to hold their own. Whitney told Meredith that she thought Lisa was being threatening, alluding to starting a rumor that Whitney was a swinger, but Meredith didn’t think she should take it that way. She suggested that Whitney discuss it with Lisa. At dinner, Whitney said that she and her dad were going to Mary’s church. Heather said Whitney’s dad needed help and support. Lisa said being judgmental was cultural and not the Mormon gospel. Whitney said she felt judged by Lisa, and in Meredith’s interview, she said when she told Whitney she should discuss the issue with Lisa, she didn’t mean in front of people at a dinner table. In Whitney’s interview, she said she was talking around the word swinger, and deliberately not using it, or the topic would move to, was she a swinger? when that wasn’t what it was about. Lisa said she didn’t care enough to judge Whitney. I’m sure she thought, oh snap, but it’s a remark that always makes you look bad.  

Heather said there had been no loving kindness from Lisa, but Lisa said her intent was always good. She couldn’t help how she was perceived, Mary wondered if they couldn’t just start over, and Heather asked how Lisa could say she was a good-time girl in college, and flashed her boob. In Heather’s interview, she said, the story is flattering, but false. Lisa said Heather responded with a thumbs up to one of her texts, which meant F-U. (Since when? Is this a new thing? Am I out of the loop? That’s a new one on me.) Heather told her and F-U was a double thumbs up, but in her interview, admitted that’s what she’d meant. Lisa said she was sorry if she made anyone feel bad, but she was done. Everyone agreed to have a clean slate. Which should last about zero minutes.

Next time, Whitney’s dad goes to church and lightning strikes (just kidding about the lightning), Heather celebrates her pregnant employees, and Lisa wants everyone to pick sides, either her or Mary. So much for letting it go.

✍🏼 Signing Off…

See you on the Southern side, but until then, stay safe, stay accepting it if there’s no tequila, and stay letting it go if you say you’re going to let it go.