What I Watched Today

(rambling, random thoughts & annoyingly detailed recaps from real time TV watching)

General Hospital

Portia goes into an exam room and finds Esme there in a hospital gown.

Drew visits Curtis, and Curtis tells him, it’s official; he’s Trina’s father. Drew gives him a bro hug, and says, congratulations. It’s the best thing in the world. How does he feel? Curtis says, she’s a gem. He hit the jackpot. Drew says he has goosebumps. Trina’s an amazing young woman. Curtis says he does have his regrets about the time they spent apart, but he’s looking toward the future. Drew says, that’s the Curtis he knows. Is that why he’s here? Did he barge in on some daughter time? Curtis says, Trina’s staying with Josslyn, and Drew says, she’s not ready to come back home yet? Curtis says, no, but he is. He moved his things in. Drew says, really? and Curtis asks why he sounds so surprised. Drew says, the last time they talked, Curtis said he was conflicted about his feelings. Does that mean he’s got everything figured out?

Zeke introduces himself, and Jordan does the same, adding, like she said… He says he heard her loud and clear. He’s just going to have his drink and go. If that’s cool with her. He orders a tequila, soda, and lime, and she says, he’s awfully sure of himself, isn’t he? He says he’s always had a way with people, and she asks if he’s an only child. He says he has a sister. Why? She says, it’s been her experience that many over-confident people have grown up as the sole focus of their parents.

Willow sits up, when Nurse Clara comes in, and says she wanted to check in on her favorite patient. Willow says she doesn’t think she can be anything but absolutely grateful, and Clara says, grateful is good, but a bone marrow transplant can be a very difficult procedure. It’s okay to say she’s in pain. Willow says, it hurts way more than she expected. She just can’t find a comfortable position to sit in. Clara says, if it’s any comfort, that’s a common reaction. Now they just have to find some ways to distract her. Would she like her mom to come in? Willow says, her mom? and Clara says, she’s been camped out here 24/7; barely left Willow’s side. She’s sure she’d love to see Willow, if she’s up to it.

Laura goes to Doc’s office and asks if he’s got a minute. She’d like to talk to him about something. He says, as opposed to about thirty minutes when he gets home from work? and she says, yeah; it’s that important. He asks what it is, and she closes the door. He says, it’s that important, and she says she’s made a decision about something. She knows he’s going to try and talk her out of it, but she’s not going to change her mind. He says, hit me, and she says she’s going to look for Nikolas. More specifically, she’s going to Russia to look for Nikolas.

Brook wonders why Chase has been gone so long, and tells Tracy, and you know what? He’s not our waiter. Tracy says, they can’t talk around him, and Brook asks why they don’t wait until they’re home. Tracy says she was going to pull Brook aside tonight, but then saw her lounging by the pool, getting absolutely nothing constructive done. And Brook hasn’t brought her anything yet on The Deceptor patent. Brook says she’s sorry, but Tracy says, don’t apologize or make excuses. Is it Chase? Is he too much of a distraction? Because she can tell him that it was her who made the phone call to get him reinstated. Brook shushes her, and says, yes, Tracy was the one who called the CCRB to get them to look at his case, but Chase got himself reinstated. Tracy says, he’s not going to like it either way, and really? A policeman? Brook says, he’s a detective, and Tracy says, those law and order types are always so hung up on the rules. Brook says, imagine that, and Tracy says, she just needs to do her job and do it fast, but Brook says she’s worried about Tracy and whatever she has planned. Maxie, Sasha, and Lucy are her friends. She won’t do anything to hurt them.

Lucy goes into Maxie’s office with a bottle of champagne, and two glasses. She asks if Maxie is reading the report she just finished reading, and Maxie says, with the initial numbers of the sales of The Deceptor? It almost seems to good to be true. Lucy says, too good to be true? Oh poo. The Deceptor is flying off the shelves because it’s a fantastic product. They marketed it, promoted the heck out of it, and they deserve to celebrate. Maxie says, without Brook and Sasha? and Lucy says, for now. They can celebrate again tomorrow. Maybe with mimosas in the morning and champagne at sunset. Taking the product, the phenomenon that it is, back to Home & Heart was a genius idea. Whose idea was it? Oh that’s right; it was mine. She pops open the bottle, and they squeal.

Portia asks, what brings Esme in today? and Esme says she has a sore throat and her whole body aches. She just wanted to make sure it’s not strep, for her baby’s sake, and so she doesn’t spread it around work. She has a job at The Invader. At least she thinks she still has a job. Things didn’t exactly go well her first day. Portia says, and spreading an infection to the whole staff of the paper might be the last straw, and Esme says, exactly. Portia begins her examination, and says, already working, huh? Esme says she wishes she didn’t have to. She hates the idea of leaving Ace. Portia asks if she has to work. Ace is a Cassadine. Esme says, Ace is her son, and she wants to make sure Spencer can’t take him away from her by claiming she’s unfit, or lacking the resources to raise him. Portia says, that’s exactly her point; Esme does have resources. Esme asks what she means.

Curtis says he thought he’d at least try to work things out with his wife, and Drew says, moving in is a great first step. Curtis says, baby step. He’s still in the guest room. Drew says, nothing wrong with taking things slow, and Curtis says, it just sounds so weird; taking things slow with his wife. Drew says he thinks it sounds smart. Good for him. Curtis wishes everyone felt that way, and Drew says, Jordan? Curtis says, yeah. Portia told her that he moved back home before he had a chance to break the news to her. He hated for her to find out that way. Drew says, that’s not good. He’s sorry. So Jordan was really upset? Curtis says, Jordan accused him of using her to sort out his feelings, and he has to be honest. He can’t even be mad at her because it’s valid. Drew says, not what happened? and Curtis says, no. He would never intentionally hurt Jordan like that. Drew says, sometimes in order to do what’s right, you have to hurt the people you love. Um… what?

Clara asks if she said something to upset Willow, but Willow says, no. Clara says she’s been working double shifts, and whether she comes in at dawn or midnight, Willow’s mom is always here, looking after her. Willow says, really? and Clara asks if it’s so hard to believe. Do they not get along? Willow says, the thing is, last year, she found out the woman who raised her for her entire life, the woman she called mom, wasn’t her biological mother. Clara says she’s so sorry. It must have come as quite a shock. Willow says, it did. The woman she thought was her mom, Harmony, was a very damaged human being, lost and looking for guidance. She was easily manipulated, easily fell prey to the wrong people. She wasn’t always the protector a good mom should be. Willow thinks she tried, but still, somehow… Clara says, she was Willow’s mom, and Willow loved her, and Willow says she did, even though she let Willow down over and over again. And even after she found out Harmony wasn’t even her mom – it’s crazy – Willow’s first instinct is always to defend her.

Doc tells Laura, Nikolas has been missing for months. Why the sudden push to look for him now? She says she thinks something is wrong, and Nikolas may need her help. She found out there’s a property the Cassadines own in Chechnya. He may very well be there. Doc says, there may be a Cassadine property in Russia, but that doesn’t mean Nikolas is living there, and she says she knows that, but it’s the only lead she’s got. She just doesn’t believe her son would completely abandon both of his sons. She thinks either he’s being held against his will, or he’s fallen into a deep depression. Either way, he needs help. She’s his mother. She’s going to help him. He says, yes, she is, and she should.

Lucy pours the champagne, and says, to world wide domination. Maxie says she likes that, and to cruelty free cosmetics. Lucy says she likes that too. To The Deceptor. They clink glasses.

Laura says, Doc’s not going to fight her on this? He’s not going to tell her how dangerous Chechnya is? He says, she already knows how dangerous it is, and he knows once she’s made up her mind, there’s no point in trying to talk her out of it. She thanks him for understanding, and he says he understands all too well. That’s why he’s going with her.

Drew says, rumor has it, the Feds are going to be offering Carly a deal if she gives them Sonny, and Curtis says, but they haven’t approached her yet. Drew says, it doesn’t matter. Anybody who knows Carly knows she would never give up Sonny. They’ve been through a lot together, but when it comes to protecting their family, nothing trumps that. Curtis says, so if giving up Sonny’s not an option, what is? and Drew says, they will likely pit Carly and him against each other. Curtis says, no prison time if Drew testifies against Carly and vice versa. Damn. Only one of them can make that deal. Drew says he thinks Carly might be considering it.

Zeke’s drink comes, and Jordan says she’s sorry if she was rude, but he says, don’t apologize. He appreciates a woman who’s direct. She tells him, most men say that, and then… He says, then what? Did one do her wrong? She says, her mood is her own fault. She did something stupid. He says, that doesn’t sound like her, but she says, he doesn’t even know her. He says, convince him that she’s wrong, and she says she kissed her ex. And then he promptly went back to his new wife. So like she said, stupid, but you know what? She told herself that she wouldn’t waste another minute. She knows he just got one, but can she buy him a drink?

Clara says she’s a mom; three blessings. On their best days they can do spectacular things. Get everyone fed, off to school, hold down a job, stop the pain from hurting, but they’re only human. And on their best days they do what they can, but when they have those rough days, those days when that little voice in your head is screaming to run away, they have to forgive themselves for not being perfect. She doesn’t know this Harmony, but can tell Willow still loves her. Maybe she didn’t have great parents. Maybe when she got Willow, she thought she could improve on what she was taught as a little girl. That’s the best they can do as moms; strive to do better for their littles ones and not repeat their mother’s mistakes. They strive to do their best so they can leave things better for the next generation of moms.

Maxie says, sometimes she has to pinch herself, and Lucy asks, why? Maxie says she knew it was a solid concept, but never dreamed Deception would be so successful. Lucy says, Maxie needs to dream bigger, and if Maxie doesn’t mind her saying so, she needs a bigger house. They have to move her on up. Maxie says she knows. Three kids in a two bedroom apartment, that’s insane. But it takes time to find a new place to live; time she doesn’t have. Lucy says, that’s why they made computers. She doesn’t do much realty work these days, but she does have access to fabulous real estate websites, so why don’t they take a deep dive and scoop Maxie up a dream house?

Tracy says, Brook is acting like she wants her to murder someone, and Brook says, like that’s out of the realm of possibilities. Tracy says, this is just business, and Brook says, Maxie, Sasha, and Lucy are great bosses, and Deception’s doing really well. Tracy says, well, all that’s going to change, and soon. She flounces out.

Clara brings Willow some water, and says she doesn’t mean to be nosy, but she has to assume the woman who’s been here every day looking after Willow, making sure she gets her pain meds the minute they’re due to be given, is her biological mom. How did Willow find her? Willow says, she’s not her mom; she’s her mother-in-law, and Clara says, devoted as she is, she would have sworn it was Willow’s mom. I’d love to know how Carly is there 24/7 when we’ve seen her in the kitchen for the last four days. Willow says, that’s Carly, and she loves her dearly. She has a really big heart. Clara says, good for her. She never really got along with her mother-in-law. Willow says, that’s too bad. She’s so thankful to have Carly in her life. Clara says she’s sure Willow’s mother-in-law is thankful to have Willow in her life. It’s a shame her biological mother died without Willow getting to know her. (That’s a weird thing to say, since Willow didn’t even imply that a little.) Willow says, her biological mother is alive, and living in Port Charles. But she wants nothing to do with her.

Curtis says he gets that Carly wants to put the kids first, but he knows Drew, and knows Drew feels the same way. Drew says he’s missed out on so much of Scout’s life already. The last thing he wants to do is miss out on more. Curtis asks if there’s some scenario where Drew and Carly can beat the charges together, and Drew says he’s working on it; nothing concrete yet. Curtis says his offer to help still stands, and Drew says he knows and appreciates it. They clink beer bottles, and Curtis says, it does seem extreme. Drew agrees, and Curtis says, the merger between ELQ and Aurora never happened, so nobody made any money. Drew says, just the opposite actually, and Curtis asks if this is one of those slap on the wrist deals where you do community service and pay a fine, and everybody’s on their way, but Drew says, not likely. He thinks the US Attorney’s office wants Carly to flip on Sonny.

Portia checks Esme’s throat, and says, accepting financial support from your baby’s father doesn’t make you unfit, but Esme says she’s terrified she’ll lose Ace. Portia says, she has rights. Her throat does look irritated, but Portia doesn’t think it’s strep. They’re going to do a culture just to make sure. Esme asks, what about the muscle aches? and Portia says, Esme endured a horrible ordeal when Ace was kidnapped, right? Esme says, so did Portia, and Portia says she did. She had trouble sleeping and eating. Did the same thing happen with Esme? Esme says, it was awful. Her baby coming home was all she could think about. Portia says she thinks Esme is under a lot of stress right now, and Esme says she did have a panic attack at work yesterday. Portia asks how things are going at home. She imagines living with Spencer and Laura is pretty tense. Esme says, it’s not the best situation, no. She actually tried to leave the other day. Portia asks if they’ve threatened to cut Esme off if she decides to leave town, but Esme says, just the opposite. Spencer says he’ll follow her wherever she goes.

Laura says, Doc wants to go with her to Chechnya? What about his job? He says, what about her job? She says she got Jordan to take on the job of Deputy Mayor, so the city is in very good hands. Besides, there’s email, and there’s Zoom if there’s any kind of an emergency. He says he has plenty of vacation time banked, and she says, what about Esme and Spencer? Doesn’t he think they need supervision? He says, that’s more like a refereeing, and they are adults. They have to learn how to figure things out sooner or later. They can’t just keep coming to Laura or him to do it for them. She asks if he really wants to leave them to their own devices, and he says, how about if he sees if Alexis and her daughters are okay with being on Spencer watch? Laura says she likes that, and she can always ask Sonny to keep an eye out too. He says, then it’s settled. They’re going to Chechnya. She says she guesses it is. They have to find somebody who knows the language and knows how things work in that part of the world. He asks where she thinks one would find such a person, and she says she knows who to ask.

Lucy tells Maxie, look at this one. It’s got a three car garage, and a beautiful patio off the master suite. Giant pool, gorgeous, sexy jacuzzi, and look at the chandelier. Maxie could throw the most beautiful parties. Maxie says, it is gorgeous, and look at that kitchen. But why is Lucy showing her McMansions? She can’t afford any of these. Besides, who has a pool in upstate New York. It’s impractical. Lucy says, Maxie says impractical; she says necessary. Swimming is very good exercise. Okay. Maybe it’s a little extravagant. Maxie says she has three kids. Extravagant for her is not eating their leftovers for dinner. Lucy says she’s trying to get Maxie to dream bigger and think bigger, and Maxie says she needs a bigger house so all her kids can have their own rooms. Georgie will be over the moon, and James will finally stop bugging her. Lucy says, wait for it… Look at this one… a tree-lined neighborhood. It says, good schools, excellent schools, big backyard. Wow. Four bedrooms, three baths, and a walk-in closet. Maxie grips Lucy’s shoulder, and says, talk about the lap of luxury. She’s in love, and it even has a little white picket fence. She’s started liking white picket fences. Does that mean she’s a grown-up now? Lucy says she thinks Maxie started being a grown-up when she became a mother, but you do you. Maxie gets to do whatever she wants and what she thinks is right. Maxie says she loves it.

Zeke says, so the mechanic tells him that he has a rabbit in his engine, and Jordan says, not possible. He says, it happens more than you think, especially in the snow. The engine is warm, and the rabbit got in there and started chewing on the hoses. When they popped the hood, there was rabbit fur everywhere. Jordan says, not a fan of bunnies, huh? and Zeke says, not anymore. She asks where he’s from, and he asks how she knows he’s an out of towner. She says she’d remember if she’d seen him before, and he says, she’s got him. He’s new to Port Charles. This place is starting to look better by the minute.

Clara says, Nina Reeves is Willow’s mother? She reads Crimson religiously. It’s a shame she didn’t get a chance to raise Willow. Willow says she’s not sure it’s a bad thing. Harmony had her faults, but Nina’s a trainwreck. Clara says she doesn’t believe anyone’s all bad; or all good, for that matter. They’re all flawed and imperfect. Some of us give in to our good instincts; some of us give in to the bad ones. Life is complicated. It sounds to her like the universe wants them in each other’s orbits. Nina’s Aunt Liesl saved Willow’s life with the bone marrow transplant. She thinks the universe wants them in each other’s lives. Willow says, no. Every time she gives Nina an inch, she takes a mile. Clara says, yet she forgave Harmony for her mistakes. Is Nina really that unforgivable? Willow says, that’s exactly what she’s saying, and Clara says, so if Willow were to get a call saying Nina had died in an unexpected car accident, how would she feel?

Maxie tells Lucy, this house does seem perfect for her. Four bedrooms, three bathrooms, an amazing kitchen, good schools, but can she really afford it? I thought they made millions when the company went public, and Lucy says, come on. Look around her. Think about what an amazingly successful year they’ve had at Deception together. Maxie says, what about next year, and the year after that, and the year after that? Lucy says, it’s a valid point, but all they have to do is come up with more products, new and better products, and they can do that together as long as they put their minds to it. Come on, Maxie. Live for today. Maxie says, to living for today, and Lucy says, to Deception. Maxie says, to Deception, and they clink glasses.

On the phone, Laura says she hopes they don’t mind she got their number from Brook, but she has a problem, and they’re the perfect person to talk to about it… Oh no. It’s not official city business. It’s personal. Her son has been missing for a few months now, and she has reason to believe he might be in a home in Chechnya. The problem is, she and her husband don’t speak Russian, and have never been to that part of the world. She was hoping they’d know someone who could act as a translator and as a guide. So would they happen to know anyone who could fill that bill?… She and Doc would like to leave as soon as they can.

Portia says, in her opinion, Esme needs to do what’s best for her and that baby, and Esme says she agrees, but Laura does have a good point. She can’t take care of Ace all by herself, and if she leaves town, she’ll have to get a full-time job. Portia says, but maybe not, and Esme says, people need money to eat and buy clothes and put a roof over their head. Portia says, yes, of course (🍷), but does she think Spencer would let his baby brother go hungry? Esme says she doesn’t want to be dependent on anyone, and Portia says she respects that, but maybe moving out of Port Charles with her baby would be better for Esme. It sounds like she’d be more comfortable without Ace’s family watching her every move.

Drew tells Curtis, the situation is just so untenable. At some point, something’s got to give. He thanks Curtis for talking it out. He has enough on his plate, and Drew appreciates it. Curtis says, it is awkward, living in his own house and staying in the guest room, but he owes it to himself, and to Portia, to hang in there and make it work. Drew says he’s proud of Curtis, and Curtis says, that kiss just confused everything, and it brought up feelings that were better off buried.

Willow says, Clara doesn’t play fair, and Clara says, it was just a question. Willow sighs and says, when Harmony died, and the truth came out about who she really was and all the bad things she’d done, she still missed her. And she never stopped loving her. And yes, she wishes Harmony were still alive. Clara says, her biological mom isn’t dead, and Willow says, no, she’s not. And she very badly wants to be in Willow’s life and her kids’ lives. And if Nina were to die tomorrow, she thinks she’d feel another loss, like she did with Harmony. But with Nina, it’s so much more complicated. Clara asks if it has to be. Her relationship with her mother wasn’t perfect, but she’d do anything to see her again. Her beeper goes off, and she says she has to go. She’ll see Willow later.

Laura thanks Yuri, and looks like she’s in shock. Doc says, what? Did Yuri say he can’t help them? She says, just the opposite. He’s between jobs. He says he’d love to help them. Doc says, that’s excellent, and she says, for the first time, for weeks now, she actually thinks there’s a chance for her to see her sone again. Doc hugs her.

Portia says, someone will call Esme with the results from her throat culture, and in the meantime, here’s a prescription that will help her manage her pain. Esme thanks her, and Portia says, in the meantime, eat healthy, drink fluids, and have nutrient rich foods. Take care of herself, and that baby. Esme says, will do, and she’ll think about what Portia said.

Drew says he hopes things work out with Curtis and Portia, and Curtis says, time will tell. He tells Drew to call him if he needs anything. Drew says, only if he does the same, and Curtis says, he’s got it. They fist bump, and Drew leaves. Outside, he makes a call. He says, it’s Drew Cain. They have to move up the meeting regarding the SEC. He wants to talk about a deal.

Chase asks, where’s Tracy? and Brook says, gone. He says, more pâté for them, but she says she hates pâté. He says, him too. What’s going on with her and her grandmother? She says she wishes she knew. The bartender cleans up. Both Jordan and Zeke are gone. He finds Jordan’s ring in the bottom of her glass.

Zeke and Jordan get very, very busy in his  room at the MetroCourt as his jazzy playlist plays.

Tomorrow, Olivia tells Ned that she knows exactly how they’re going to do it; Drew asks someone to meet this evening; and Josslyn tells Carly to have the courage to do what Michael couldn’t.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey – The Reunion – Part 2

Ugh for the second time this week, and it’s only Tuesday.

Andy says, Teresa doesn’t really think her brother and sister-in-law are responsible for her going to jail, and Teresa says, they hung out with the people responsible. She spoke to the FBI. Melissa says she doesn’t know the man Teresa is talking about, and Andy says he’s curious about Dolores’s reaction, but Dolores says she just can’t fathom… Melissa asks how would they even know this guy, and Teresa says, they weren’t targeting her, but her ex, by hanging out with the people doing it to her ex. Melissa says she and Joe #2 didn’t commit mortgage fraud, and Teresa says they did it to her husband. Melissa says, it’s a f***ing lie. Melissa reads a text from Jacqueline Laurita to Jackie calling Teresa an entire long paragraph of names, saying she’s a nasty a-hole who thinks she’s a goddess. Melissa says, this is Teresa’s friend, and Teresa says, Jacqueline said Melissa is a whore, and Andy says, moving on. Teresa says she’s cleansing the bad energy, and I wait for her to leave, but she doesn’t. Andy asks Rachel what the first season was like, dealing with a two year old and a newborn, and we flash back. Rachel says, it was challenging, but she has help from her mom and aunt, since she has no nanny. She’d rather have someone do cleaning so she can spend time with her kids. You don’t get that time back. She tears up, and Andy says, a viewer wonders if she prefers John hairy or smooth. We flash back to John’s waxing, and she says she likes him smooth. He’s shaved his entire body, and got lipo. He looks younger now. Andy says, Miley from Oakland wants to know what Rachel thought when Jennifer called her out on her nose job when she’d had one herself. Jennifer starts off talking about the plastic surgeon, and slides into babbling about irrelevant topics. Rachel says, none of that happened, but Jennifer says, that’s how she remembers it. So I guess that makes it fact. She accuses Rachel of being BravoLover1234 on social media. I’m doubting that just because I would hope she’d make up a more original handle. Jennifer talks and talks and talks, and Rachel asks if Andy can make her stop talking, but he says, she’ll run out of gas soon. Finally, he gets a word in, and asks where Rachel is in the adoption process. She says, it was finalized, and Andy says, it was so touching when Jaiden expressed it was what he wanted, and we flash back to that. Rachel says she’s going to cry. We all are, and I’ll say it again, she needs to take those kids, her newly hot husband, and run. She says, Jaiden’s birth mother had been contacted by blogs, and said they were adopting for the show. Dolores says, Rachel was talking about it years ago, and Andy says, Jaiden’s birth mother was saying John was preventing her from speaking or seeing Jaiden. Rachel says, a castmate provided more information. Jaiden’s birth mother was contacted because of Louie. He’d gotten information on what prison she’d been in and where she was, and had someone track her down. Andy asks how she found out it was Louie, and she says, he told someone close to her who’s not in the cast. Teresa acts like, no way would Louie ever do such a thing, but Marge says, Louie screaming a P.I.’s name at them makes sense now, and we flash back to the Bo Dietl debacle. Teresa says, Marge is calling the kettle black. Everything comes to Marge. Marge says, she’d never hire a P.I., and Teresa says, Louie has the money. Melissa says, he’s a great f***ing catch, and Teresa says, Marge started it, and Melissa says, Marge apologized, and Teresa said she did nothing wrong. Somehow, this escalates between Melissa and Teresa, who do that thing I hate, shouting over each other so you can’t understand either one of them, but it makes no sense anyway. It ends with Teresa telling Melissa to take a namaste and stick it up her a-hole, and Melissa says, if she could find one, she would.

Jackie and Jen join the group, Andy saying, the nice Jewish girls have arrived. Andy says, Jen has made her transformation into the Housewives universe; it usually takes longer. Jen says she doesn’t recognize herself. She’s had a facelift, a nose job, and lost weight. Andy says, she’s not messing around, and she says, if she’s not asked back, this might be her last shot. She also seems sane, so I don’t get this. He asks how she liked her first season, and she says, it was actually better than expectation in terms of filming, but the aftermath is tricky. There was a lot of reaction to her having slept with James Gandolfini. She was surprised how offended people were. She wasn’t always this old hag; she was in her 20s. People said he couldn’t defend himself and had slept with an old hag. God almighty. She didn’t look that bad, and yeah, had anyone seen James in later years? He wasn’t exactly Hugh Jackman. Or even Ryan Reynolds. Jen says, her exit has the James Gandolfini rest stop, and it makes her cry. Andy says, Jackie looks healthy; she seems like she’s radiating. Jackie says she needed more weight in her face; she looks younger. He asks how she feels being back as a friend, and she says, it was hard. Maybe, but it’s probably why she looks healthy. A few months into her recovery, they were talking about casting, but she was not in a good place. She’d gained a lot of weight in a short period of time, and she didn’t want to move backwards. It was the best thing, and gave her a chance to write her book, which was important in her recovery. Andy says, when Dolores was on Watch What Happens Live, she’d talked honestly about taking Ozempic, and asks Jackie her opinion. Jackie says, it’s not a bad thing to want to lose weight, but she thinks the problem is, one day, you have to go off of them, and studies show you gain the weight back quickly. People can become addicted to being thin, and getting back to it is where dangerous habits can come in. Well said. Andy asks the name of her book, and she says, The Weight of Beautiful. He says, who knew she was a talented limerick lyricist, and we flash back to that. She says, a few Guinness’s will get her there. She makes one up about Andy, which I didn’t catch exactly, but close enough. There once was a man who got chatty with ladies who liked to be catty. A producer and host from coast to coast, the Housewives all call him daddy. Andy asks, who’s the better chugger? and everyone agrees that it’s Jackie. We flash back, and Andy says, Melissa talked about drunk dialing her ex and was stealing wine glasses. Melissa says, when she’s drunk, she likes to have fun, and she’ll say anything. Teresa says she shouldn’t do that kind of stuff since she’s a married woman with children. Melissa says, Teresa calls people the c-word and her children see that. Teresa says she had a good reason to use that word😐, and Melissa says she was just having fun with the girls. Teresa says, if she hadn’t been getting married, she’d have made a big deal about it. Marge says, it was all in fun, and Teresa says, of course Marge would back up Melissa. Andy asks what Teresa’s problem with male strippers is, and she says she’s into Channing Taynum [sic]. Melissa feigns shock, and says, how dare Teresa say such a thing when she’s married? Andy says, it’s time to take a break. I know I need one.

The dudes arrive backstage, and ugh, Louie is such a jerk. Frank says, they’re going to bust John’s cherry. Back at the Reunion, Andy says, in Ireland, they had a way with words, and we flash back to Teresa’s raw as a cucumber and fresh of breath air; Melissa’s thinking the word arsenal had something to do with a book; Danielle insisting conversating is a word; and Jennifer’s infamous boogawolf. Andy says, it’s a new one to him, and Jennifer says, her best friend from Arkansas said, the next time she saw Marge, call her that. At the dinner, a lightbulb popped in her head. Let’s add that to the list since it’s more like a lightbulb popped on over her head. Jen says she’s used it like ten times since. Andy asks Melissa to define arsenal, and she’s still shaky on that, but her lightbulb finally comes on. Did anyone here go to school or even ever read a book? A viewer points out that conversating is in the dictionary, and Marge says, it is now, but it’s a slang word, and she wouldn’t use it on an application. I find it kind of annoying. Another viewer commends Marge for taking in friends as family, and asks how her relationship with Jan’s kids is. She says, Jan died last August, and it was hard on them; it was sudden. His son called her, and said Jan was going to the hospital, and to get there asap. She spoke to Jan every day. Andy asks if Marge’s stepdaughter is the only one of Jan’s children she’s estranged from, and Marge says, it’s still hard. They talk some more about Rachel adopting, and Marge says Rachel is a great mother. Then we have to hear about Marge’s early sex life with Joe #3, which I don’t need, and who’s having the most sex, which is another thing not on my bucket list of info needed. A viewer wonders why Marge wasn’t okay with Jennifer and Teresa saying she was a better friend than an enemy, but was okay with Jackie saying she wouldn’t want Marge as an enemy. Marge says, with Jennifer and Teresa, it was a forewarning; like saying she’s not a good person. Jackie says, all she meant was Marge would be a formidable opponent. Teresa whines that she just said that because of what Jackie said. A viewer asks where Marge gets her information, and if she gets Google alerts. Marge says she doesn’t get alerts, and doesn’t have an arsenal of information. Teresa says, Marge brought up the rumor about Ethan cheating, and Andy says, Teresa is the one who brought it up. Teresa says, that’s because she heard it from her brother, who heard it from Melissa, who heard it from Marge. Melissa says, that didn’t happen, and Andy says, there was a lot of talk about Laura. What did Marge do to piss her off? Marge says she was trying to be kind and get Laura on the show. Then she realized the friendship was more about the show than a real friendship. Laura was told by someone else, the way to get on is to cause drama, so she talked to Teresa and Jennifer. Andy asks why Jennifer listened to what Laura had to say, and Jennifer says, she’d been reliving the affair while watching the show, so she  thought, why not? Andy says, Melissa already knew about the rumor before Jennifer heard it from Laura, and Jennifer says, Laura told her that Melissa knew already. There’s a bunch of nonsense from Melissa and Teresa, and Andy asks, why bring it up on camera to Danielle? And why tell Danielle not to bring it up to Melissa? Jennifer says she was letting the narrative play out, and Marge says, Jennifer went to acting school, although I’m not sure if Marge is being funny or Jennifer did go to acting school and this was the best she could do. There’s convoluted talk, and Melissa says, they just wanted to make a big deal that Danielle could deliver in the finale. Rachel says, Danielle was manipulated, and Andy asks if she feels set up. Danielle asks if they set her up.

Omg this feels so loooong, and we’re only halfway through.

There are crickets, and Jennifer says she’s sorry if it came across that way. Marge says, someone she thought was a friend lied, and it fell in Danielle’s lap. It was up to her what she did with it. Danielle says she doesn’t feel set up😐. She likes to believe she’s nobody’s pawn. Marge says, she was a pawn, but Danielle says she doesn’t think so. Andy says, she might walk away tonight with a different opinion, and Jennifer asks if she should have hidden the information. Andy asks, who thinks the rumors are true? and no one dares raise their hand even if they’re thinking it. Jennifer says she believes Marge told Laura the rumor. Andy asks, who does Melissa blame most? and Melissa says she blames Teresa for talking to Joe #2, but then Teresa won’t let her talk, and it’s the back and forth thing. Jen says, they should have invited Melissa, not just half the couple. Backstage, Joe #2 says, in 13 years, it’s never been like this. Joe #3 asks, what’s different? and Joe #2 jokingly says, Nate. Frank says, they’ve had plenty of arguments, but it’s never gotten to this point. The only thing different is Louie.

Teresa says, it wasn’t her idea. It was Louie, but everything he said was coming from Marge. Melissa asks why not ask them both to come over, and Teresa says she was going to leave, but then she felt bad. Melissa says she should feel bad. She was trying to break up her brother’s marriage. Teresa wishes her happiness, but then talks behind her back. Teresa says she wants the next question, but Melissa is like, oh no. There’s a bunch of nonsense back and forth, until Andy finally screams, hold on! Stop! But it doesn’t. It’s like two little kids who need to have the last word, and Teresa says, Melissa’s weak. Andy says he swears to God. They’re like kindergarteners who don’t grow or evolve. Teresa doesn’t miss a beat, and says, Melissa and Joe were looking for an excuse not to come to the wedding. They were looking for a storyline. Melissa says, Teresa did it, not her, but Teresa says she didn’t do it. Melissa can talk to Louie when he comes out. Melissa says, Louie’s the biggest bitch boy. He wants to be on the show; he’s the new bitch boy. Teresa says, Joe #2 is the bitch boy, and Andy suggests they keep talking over each other every f***ing second. Everyone else is either staring into space or looking down, and Teresa says she can’t wait to never look at Melissa’s face again after today. Backstage, the guys get ready. Frank says, normally, he keeps his mouth shut, but not today. He never jumps in, but he did nothing but try to help Louie. In unseen footage, Frank is telling Joe #2 about how Frankie had been working for Louie. Louie closed the company, but never told Frankie, then wouldn’t take Frankie’s calls. Joe #2 wonders what Louie’s agenda is, and Frank tells him not to fight Louie. Louie will kick his ass, not like Juicy Joe. Joe #2 laughs.  

Andy says, there was a lot of viewer reaction to Jennifer’s coffee reading, and we flash back to Angie saying, Jennifer would get endorsements. A viewer asked if Jennifer thought people would fall for it, but Jennifer insists Angie is good at what she does. Marge says, the reading was obviously tainted, and everyone gets out their dictionaries. Jennifer says, Angie is a nurse by day, and looked after nono; that’s how Jennifer knew her. She’d asked if Jennifer was going into the lion’s den, and told her that Melissa never came to visit. There’s a bunch of mess, and Andy asks if Bill’s perception on therapy has changed, and we flash back to Bill saying he doesn’t need to go back. Jennifer says, one session did wonders, and she’s not pushing it. We already know she’s never not going to sweep things under the rug. Andy asks if Bill is still in the pool house, and Jennifer says, he explained that he’s with patients all day, then comes home to her, the nanny, her dad, four kids, and now a dog. She’s using the pool house now, and they’re hanging together. She’s so happy. Andy asks if Marge believes that, and Marge says she believes this is what Jennifer wants in a marriage. Andy asks if Marge blames Jennifer for still being angry because her daughter is suffering repercussions, and Marge says she understands why Jennifer is mad, but there have obviously issues that have been going on for years, and she’s not taking responsibility for that. Jennifer says, her daughter wanted to be a Broadway star, and Marge says, she will be. Jennifer talks too much. Andy says, Marge called Jennifer a drug addict, and Marge says she’s not a vice shamer, but when the vice is your entire lifestyle… Jennifer shrieks that Marge has old lady energy about a million times, and Marge says she’s seen a change in Jennifer. Jennifer’s head spins around as she hurls stupid made up names at Marge, and Marge says, Jennifer can insult her looks all she wants. She could give two sh*ts. Andy says, Jennifer was distraught about Bill’s affair being exposed, but had no problem exposing the rumor about Melissa. Jennifer says, first, she wondered if they would share information, and Melissa says, she never shared any information about Jennifer. What was the point of bringing it into the finale? Jennifer says, for her to kill it, and Andy says, it seemed like they blamed Jennifer when it was her and Teresa, and Teresa says she did nothing with the information she was given. Andy asks how Teresa and Marge’s relationship is. They seemed cordial during the season, then they were taking shots at each other on social media. Marge says she was fine until she had Bo Dietl screamed in her face and Louie sh*t on them. Backstage, Frank says, Louie claims Bo Dietl has a file on everyone here. Who does that? Joe #2 says, it’s sick sh*t, and Frank asks why anyone would have a file unless they know they have a dirty closet. I thought Bo Dietl refuted Louie’s claim, so I’m not sure why this was brought up again here.

Marge says, she’s since found out that one of her children was called and threatened at work – by Louie. She has the phone records, and Teresa knows it. She pulls out the receipts, and Teresa says, freaky sh*t. Jennifer asks if Marge’s son spoke to him, and Marge tells them, Louie said, I’m the guy you’ve got to worry about. It’s a very private place with high security. No one has any idea where the office is. Teresa says, someone is spoofing Louie, but Marge says, no one knows where her child is. Andy says, there is some hack going on with the Housewives. They’ve all gotten calls they thought were from each other. Teresa says she spoke to a P.I., and this does happen, and Marge says, the police know about it, and the phone records were pulled. On the side, Teresa and Melissa are bickering again, and Marge says she called Dolores; she was a mess. Teresa says, if Dolores knew, why didn’t Dolores tell her, and Dolores says, she wants nothing to do with this. Teresa is all, well, I never, and says, do what she has to do. Just now, she got two missed calls from Marge. How convenient! But Marge says, it’s a landline, and no one has the number. Since denial didn’t work, Teresa says, Marge has called people about Louie in the past. Marge says she never wants to see his sham of a face again, but Andy says she’s going to have to. There’s more bickering, and Teresa calls Marge the devil. Marge says, Teresa is a criminal, and so is Louie. Teresa is the one who started the rumor about Jackie’s husband. Louie belittles her and makes her look like an a-hole. Teresa says, oh no he doesn’t, and calls Marge a whore. Marge says she’s belittled and pathetic, and Andy says, stop. Teresa calls Marge, old hag Nancy, which I have no idea what is in reference to, and Andy says they’re both acting like a-holes. He thanks Jackie and Jen, and says, they’re going to bring out the Jersey men.

The guys come out of the dressing room, and some of the women take a pee break. Danielle says, they set her up, and Melissa tells Joe #2, this is next level sh*t. Andy goes backstage, and tells Louie that he’s worried about emotions getting out of control. He doesn’t want things to get physical. He’s the first line. Louie tells him not to worry, and thanks him for caring. Huh? Andy says, let’s do this, and tells Joe #2, don’t get out of his chair. Joe promises, and Louie says, it’s so sickening. Well, we agree there, just not for the same reasons.

Next time, Teresa thinks Andy should get Botox; Frank shows off his new teeth; Frankie working for Louie is discussed; John tells Louie to stop the bullsh*t; Marge says, Louie is under criminal investigation; Louie says, I know everything, let’s play (ugh on top of ugh over and over); Teresa is the first one out of her chair, pointing her finger at Joe #2; and Teresa walks out, screaming at the cameras, but this time, there’s no red Solo cup to throw.

🍿 This was really strange in spots. I swear, Teresa was either high or she’s totally losing it. There was one point, when they were talking about Laura, where she was obviously lost, bringing up things they’d just talked about like they hadn’t just talked about them. And Louie… WTF? This guy gets weirder every time we see him. There’s some kind of ticking time bomb there. I just hope it doesn’t end in tragic headlines.

🩰 In a Barbie World…

Come back tomorrow for soap and the finale of an even more awful Reunion. Until then stay safe, stay returning what you’ve borrowed, and stay dreaming bigger.