What I Watched Today

(rambling, random thoughts & annoyingly detailed recaps from real time TV watching)

General Hospital

Sasha hears a baby crying in her earpiece, and actually looks more annoyed than anything else. Haven says, Sasha hasn’t been in front of the cameras for a while. Looks like someone’s got a bit of the jitters. Russell tells Julie, crank the baby crying in Sasha’s headset up to 8, and Julie says she’s got it. I have to say it. This is kind of ridiculous, not just because it’s a home shopping channel, but it’s in her earpiece, not her head. She had a nervous breakdown; she wasn’t struck stupid. From the sidelines, Lucy says, Sasha, hang in there, and Haven says, Sasha doesn’t look so good.

Anna asks Robert what he means by what was she thinking? and he says, why she wanted to go on the rescue mission. She says, good, because as motives go, stopping a genocidal maniac is self-explanatory to her. He says, it’s one thing to take on Victor. It’s another to take on a virus that has an 80% kill rate. She says, there are worse odds, and they’ve faced them, and he asks if she was thinking about her daughter. Was she thinking about Noah or Emma? How about even him? If she’s going to run off and die with this guy, shouldn’t she be putting her family first? She tells him, don’t ever say she’s prioritized anyone or anything above her family. He would have done the exact same thing. He says, they’re not talking about him, but she says, he knows she’s right. He would do anything, he would risk everything for the woman he loves. He says, first, he’s got to choose the woman.

Alexis meets Diane at the Savoy, and apologizes for being late. She could tell Diane all about it, but she knows Diane doesn’t want to hear about it. What’s the occasion? Diane says she knows she did the right thing, but she needs Alexis to tell her that she did the right thing, and she didn’t… Holly walks in and hugs Felicia, and Diane says, make a fool of herself. Alexis asks if Diane wants to tell her what’s going on, and Diane says, not really.

Holly asks, where’s Felicia’s handsome husband? She thought he was joining them. Felicia says, he was before he got called into the station on a case, and Holly says, that’s the trouble with law enforcement; they’re always on duty. He should become a criminal. They have very flexible schedules… apparently. Felicia says she’ll suggest it when he retires, and Holly says, as much as she’d like to celebrate with Mac, she’s pleased it’s just her and Felicia; the girls. Felicia says, honestly, her too. She knows what Holly’s been up to, but what’s next? Is she back in Port Charles for good? Holly looks over at Diane, and says, that’s the idea, if she’s wanted.

Gladys asks Selina how she’s supposed to get so much money together so quickly. It’s impossible. Selina says, there might be another way for Gladys to repay her debt, and Gladys says, Venmo? Crypto? Can she write Selina a check? Selina says, no, and suggests they talk about this somewhere more private.

There’s a knock at Sonny’s old kitchen door, and Carly walks past the ever glorious moss bowl🎍to answer it. It’s Nina, and Carly thanks her for coming. Nina thanks Carly for calling and asking her. They were interrupted at the hospital, and there’s still so much more Nina has to say. Carly says she’s listening, and asks if Nina wants a glass of wine, but Nina says, no thank you. Like she was telling Carly at the hospital, she’s been doing some soul searching and realizes she’s been acting from a place of fear, and that fear has led her to make some poor decisions that hurt people, mostly Willow. And in that fear and jealousy, she blamed Carly for the distance between her and Willow, and that was wrong. But she thinks it’s easier for her to hate Carly than accept the consequences of her own actions. She knows it’s late, but she understands it now. She’s so sorry. Carly asks if that’s it.

In a hallway at the back of the club, Gladys tells Selina she doesn’t have the money now, but she can get it. A large man joins them, and Gladys asks if that’s Selina’s steno. Selina says she was under the impression Gladys was Stella’s guardian and has complete control of Sasha’s finances. Gladys says, that’s right, but it’s a lot of money to move all at once; Sasha might have questions. She supposes it’s not impossible, but she has to be subtle about it. Selina says she understands Gladys’s quandary. Availing herself of Sasha’s money to pay off her growing debts could put her in an awkward position; with Sasha certainly, but legally as well. But like she said, there are other ways to make good. After all, money isn’t everything.

Sasha says she thinks there’s a problem with her earpiece, and Haven says, what kind of problem? She doesn’t hear anything in hers. What is Sasha hearing exactly? Brook tells Lucy that something is wrong with Sasha, and Lucy says, maybe Maxie pushed her too soon; maybe she’s not ready. Brook says, something’s wrong with her earpiece. Sasha says, The Deceptor is a portable home spa device for the woman on the go, and Russell tells Julie, louder. He wants that baby wailing. Julie says, okay, when Cody comes in. He says, forget the wailing; just cut the sound or he’s going to start streaking. Russell says, he what? and Cody starts taking off his clothes, and says, cut the sound now, or he’s going to start streaking. He takes off his shirt and undoes his belt, and says, by the way, it’s huge, so cut the sound now. Julie leaves, and the crying disappears from Sasha’s earpiece. Flora says, and just look at the design. So much thought went into that. Haven tells Flora, she’s sure their viewers would rather hear all about it from the Face of Deception herself. Go ahead, Sasha. All eyes are on you.

Anna asks what Robert means by that, and he says, she’s tired, it’s late, and he’s kind of overstayed his welcome. She says, he did that when he rang the bell. This is so typical of him. He comes barging in here, picks a fight with her, just because he has something else on his mind. What is it? He says, Holly has indicated that she wants to have a relationship… with him. She says, good. She knows he cares about Holly. What’s the problem? He says, the problem is… another woman.

Felicia asks if this means Ethan is safe, but Holly says, not really, but Australia is familiar territory. He has to replenish his funds if he’s going to… Felicia says, pay back the people he stole from, and Holly says, make restitution. Felicia asks if that’s what they’re calling it these days, and Holly says, it’s not entirely his fault. He’s young, and both of his parents have been known to, on occasion, avail themselves of things that aren’t necessarily theirs. Felicia looks at Diane, and says, case in point.

Diane says she may have given Robert a slight ultimatum, and Alexis asks, how slight? Diane says, she told him not to call her until he’d decided between Holly and her.

Felicia asks if they should relocate, and Holly asks, why? Felicia says she thought this might be a little awkward, but Holly says, it could if they make it so. Actually, if Robert’s fond of Diane, she should take this opportunity to get to know her. She gets up, bringing her drink, and Felicia follows her.

Diane says, it’s early days for Robert, but she’s not going to waste her time if he’s in love with Holly. Holly and Felicia approach the table, and Holly asks if they can join them. Diane says, uh… yeah.

Sasha says, first of all, Haven, Flora, and especially the viewers at home, she’s so sorry. Her earpiece was making this horrible noise. Know what it sounded like, Haven? It’s not important. She thanks the viewers for staying tuned in, and promises they won’t be disappointed. Flora says, don’t keep them in suspense. Tell them all about The Deceptor. Sasha says, The Deceptor is a revolutionary new product; it’s an at home spa device for the woman on the go. Flora asks how it works, and Sasha says, it’s really simple. Would Flora like to be her model? Cody watches from the sidelines, and Flora says she’d love to. Sasha says she thinks Flora is going to love the results.

Alexis says, of course (🍷), please join them, but Diane says, actually, would she and Felicia mind if she and Holly had a moment alone? Felicia suggests they order the second round, but Diane says she has everything she needs right here. Alexis tells Holly to take her seat, and goes to the bar with Felicia. She asks if Felicia thinks they need a referee. Diane says she and Holly don’t know each other very well, but Holly strikes her as a woman who’s direct and to the point. Holly says, guilty as charged, and Diane says, so let’s lay our cards on the table, shall we?

Anna pours more wine from the never-ending bottle, and Robert says, they’re both brilliant, funny, and amusing. While Holly is electrifying, Diane has an ease about her. He can talk shop. Hell, he can talk anything. Anna says, and it’s good to know there’s no chance he’ll have to prosecute her in the next few months, whereas Holly… He tells her, she said that, not him, but she says, he’s thinking it. He says, yeah, and wonders what he should do, and Anna suggests witness protection. He says, come on, but she tells him that she doesn’t know what he wants her to say. He’s always managed to make his own decisions in the past. He says, Diane has stated on no uncertain terms that she won’t compete for his attention, and Anna says, good for her. He says, and Holly… and Anna says she’s sure Holly has no problem with competition. He says, every time he sees her face, he’s home, and Diane challenges him. She says, Holly doesn’t? and he says, she does, but… He comes to Anna because she’s always honest with him, even at times he doesn’t want her to be, but what does he do here?

Haven says, that’s all they have time for tonight so she’d like to thank her special guests, Flora Gardens – Flora says, always a pleasure – and the Face of Deception herself, Sasha Gilmore. Until next time, happy homes and warm hearts. When they’re off the air, Haven tells Sasha that went great, and Sasha says, it did. She’s sorry to disappoint Haven. She’ll be hearing from Sasha’s lawyers. Lucy and Brook applaud, and tell Sasha that she was amazing. Lucy asks, what happened at the beginning of the segment? and Sasha says, they were placing a sound effect in her earpiece; a crying baby. Flora overhears, and goes over to Haven. She says she knows Haven did something to that poor girl’s earpiece, but a crying baby? Haven says she did no such thing, but Flora says, don’t lie to her face. Of all the low-down, disgusting, despicable things to do to a woman who lost a baby. She thought the tweets were bad enough, but trying to push poor Sasha over the edge on live TV? Haven says, there was obviously a screw up. She’ll find the culprit. Flora says she thinks she’s looking at the culprit, and know what else she thinks? Maybe she doesn’t want to be the number one seller on a show where these mistakes happen. She quits. Haven tells her to wait. Those baby sneakers aren’t going to sell themselves. She follows Flora out.

Sasha tells Brook and Lucy that she’s okay. She had a second where she thought history was repeating itself; that she was imagining it. Brook says, that must have been terrifying, and Sasha says, it was. But then, she can’t explain it, but she knew the sound was real. It wasn’t a hallucination; it wasn’t Liam. She knew she was being manipulated, and she could keep going. Julie walks over, and tells Sasha that she’s really sorry. There’s just one more caller, and they’re insisting on talking to Sasha about The Deceptor. Can she patch them in? Lucy says, Julie must be as morally bankrupt as her boss to think that Sasha would trust her, or this show, or anybody here anymore. Sasha tells Lucy, it’s okay; patch them through. Lucy says, no stunts, shaking her finger in Julie’s face, and Julie promises. Sasha asks what she can do for the caller, and a woman says, she’s back. She heard Sasha’s baby died, then her husband died. Such a tragedy for a young person like herself. Sasha says, it was a tragedy, but thanks to the support of her family and friends, she’s doing much better. The woman says, isn’t that a miracle? and Sasha says, it is, and you know what else is a miracle? The new device they call The Deceptor.

Nina says she knew better than to think Carly would accept her apology, and Carly says, if Nina were her, would she accept her apology? I get totally distracted by the call of the moss bowl🎍, and Nina says she’d at least acknowledge it. Carly asks if Nina wants a blue ribbon for self-awareness. Nina talks about what she wants from Willow, but she doesn’t talk about what she wants for Willow. Carly wants Willow to be safe, healthy, and happy. Can Nina say the same? Nina says, when all of this is over, and her daughter pulls through, she wants Willow to have a long, happy, healthy life. Even if she’s not part of it. Carly says she almost believes Nina, and Nina says, but if there’s a way she can be part of it, a way she can repair the relationship, she’s willing to do anything. Carly says, Nina just doesn’t get it. The more Nina pushes, the more she drives people away. And what does she mean by relationship? What relationship? What is there to repair? Nina says, Carly is right. When she first met Willow, when Willow was Charlotte’s teacher, she made Willow’s life miserable. She shouldn’t have done that, even if Willow wasn’t her daughter, but when she found out Willow was hers, she’s been trying to heal their relationship, but of course (🍷) that’s after she scorched the earth ten times over, and they all know that. That’s why… In hindsight, she’s relieved Willow had Carly. Willow needed a mother, and Carly couldn’t be that for her. But Carly could, and she did, and for that Nina is truly grateful.

Holly says, Diane doesn’t waste any time. She likes that. Diane says, who wants to go first? and Holly says, may I? Diane says, please, and Holly apologizes for kissing Robert in his office. Obviously they didn’t know she was there. Diane says, and by that she infers Holly knows… She and Robert have been on exactly one date, and she doesn’t ask for exclusivity until well into the second. As such, her relationship with Robert, whatever it may be, is still in the nascent stages, so there’s no apology necessary. Holly says, still, it was inappropriate, and Diane says, that’s between Holly and Robert. Here’s where she stands on things – and she told this to Robert as well – she will not compete with a woman for any man’s attention. Holly says, fair enough, and Diane should know she has strong feelings for Robert. Diane says, Holly has told Robert of these feelings? and Holly says, why hold back? She and Robert have been dancing around each other for thirty years. Diane says, and Holly believes Robert has these feelings for her as well. That’s what Holly’s trying to say, isn’t it?

At the bar, Felicia tells Alexis, Robert and Holly are two of her closest friends. She just wants what’s best for them. Alexis says, and she wants what’s best for Diane, and Felicia says, of course (🍷) she does. Holly knows what she wants, or what’s next. Alexis says, Felicia sounds like she doesn’t. That doesn’t sound like her. Felicia says she’s not exactly lost and aimless, and Alexis says she is. It’s not fun. Felicia says, actually, she’s looking for a new project, something she can get excited about. Like Alexis with The Invader. She’s on a mission to serve the community, and make real, positive change. Alexis says, that was the plan… from the start, and Felicia says, not now? Alexis says, it’s still the plan. It will always be the plan. If she’s going to be completely honest, The Invader isn’t what she wanted it to be.

Lucy heaps praises on Sasha, and Brook sees Cody walking through, and follows him. Russell tells Sasha and Lucy that The Deceptor is flying off the shelves, and Lucy says, of course (🍷) it is. It’s a wonderful product. And pain sells, but he already knew that, didn’t he? She pokes her finger in his chest, and says, listen, you wimpy little weasel. You, and Haven, and Home & Heart are going to make this right. You are going to make this right.

Brook finds Cody putting on his boots, and asks if he’s a big fan of the home shopping channel. He asks, how else could he add to his porcelain cat collection? and Brook says, he didn’t see those inflammatory tweets that the show had people post? He says he does not understand. What are these tweets she speaks of? She says, he got them to stop that sound effect, and he tells her, if you say so. She says, they’re going to celebrate at The Savoy. Is he in? He sees Lucy telling Sasha, if she’d had any idea of what they were going to put her through, she would have never put Sasha in, and he tells Brook that he has a thing. Next time. But make sure Sasha has fun. She deserves it.

Selina says, Gladys has options. There are things she values more than money. Gladys says, such as? and Selina says, assets, of which Gladys has many. Gladys guesses she could finally unload her house in Bridgeport, but Selina says she’s referring to Gladys’s connections. Gladys says, Selina thinks she has connections? and Selina tells her not to sell herself short. She may hold the key to certain business dealings, certain arrangements that could prove useful to her and her organization. Gladys says, Selina wants the skinny on what goes on at Deception… Oh wait. Is she talking about Gladys’s cousin Sonny?

Anna says she can’t tell Robert what to do, and he says, tell him what not to do; that’s the next best thing. She says, a new person is always very exciting, whereas an old love is kind of comforting. He says, he and Holly certainly know each other, inside and out. Anna says, they do. On the other hand, Diane takes it all very seriously, and so does he. He says, Holly looks at it at best a challenge, and at worst, an obstacle, and she says, very exciting though, isn’t it? He says he’s back to square one here, and she says she can totally understand why he doesn’t want to make this decision. He never thought he’d be in a position like this, right? He says he didn’t, and she says, for what it’s worth (🍷), she’s not surprised. He’s quite a catch. He does have his moments, rare though… He says he’s got to go. Tell what’s-his-face goodbye. She says, he means goodnight, and he says, that too. He leaves, and Valentin comes out of the kitchen. He says he thought Robert would never leave, and Anna says, my God, leaning back on him.

Holly tells Diane that she and Robert fell in love decades ago, and those feelings never went away. Certainly not for her, but to answer Diane’s question, in typical Robert Scorpio fashion, he has neither confirmed nor denied. Diane laughs, and says, good to know that’s his M.O. Holly says, exactly, and she wanted Diane to know… this might sound patronizing… Diane says, but she’s going to say it anyway, and Holly says she doesn’t want Diane to get hurt. Diane thanks her for her concern, and says, really, she’ll be fine. As she said to Robert, she has no intention of going to war over a man, especially one, who at this stage, is still just a friend. Holly says, they should remain friends. She’d be completely comfortable with that. Diane says, that’s good to know; that’s very generous. So let’s say she bows out, and Holly and Robert pick up where they left off. Holly says, the ideal situation… for her, and Diane says, here’s what she doesn’t understand. What makes Holly so confident that their relationship will work out – this time?

Alexis tells Felicia, the news she wants to report is just a fraction of the news that needs to be reported. And there’s administrative and economical issues. Felicia says, The Invader may not be exactly what Alexis envisioned when she started there, but it’s become a respectable publication. That’s because of her leadership. Alexis thanks her, and Felicia asks if she’s wrong. Alexis says she thinks Felicia is very kind. She spends most of her time finding advertisers, managing investors, managing staff. To be honest, it’s a little disappointing. Her wish for The Invader hasn’t entirely come true. Felicia says, yet, but if anyone can make it happen, it’s Alexis.

Lucy, Brook, and Sasha come into the club, and Lucy says she promises she was very polite when she cornered the Home & Heart producer. She just said, Russell, Russell, Russell, intentional infliction of emotional distress, lawsuit, lawsuit, etc., etc. Guess what? They ended up with five more spots for Deception. Prime time. Of course (🍷) it comes with one condition; hers, not theirs. She wants Sasha to be The Deceptor’s spokesperson.

Carly says she’ll help with Willow, and Nina thanks her, saying, it’s more than she dared to hope. Of course (🍷) they don’t want to do anything to make Willow feel uncomfortable, so she was thinking maybe Carly could set up a phone call. If that goes well, maybe they can… Carly says she’s going to stop Nina. She wants to be really clear. She’ll help Nina with Willow by supporting whatever decision Willow makes for her family. If Willow decides to let Nina in, she promises not to stand in the way. But if Willow decides she wants nothing to do with Nina, Carly won’t advocate for her. Nina says she should have known Carly wasn’t going to help.

Gladys says she doesn’t know anything about Sonny’s business, and Selina says, but they’re close. Gladys says, no, not really. Sonny doesn’t really like her that much. Selina says, even so, Gladys might know more about Sonny’s business than she realizes. Gladys says she doesn’t, and it’s asking for trouble neither of them wants. Selina doesn’t understand why Gladys is bothered by the suggestion. It’s one way for her to handle her ever-increasing debt. Gladys says she can get the money. She just needs a few more days. Selina says she has until tomorrow, noon, and Gladys says, that’s not enough time. Selina says she grows tired of making allowances to someone who won’t take a gift when offered, and Gladys stammers, saying, she’s so thankful for Selina’s patience. Selina says, perhaps she’s been too patient. Noon. Tomorrow. And if she can’t pay, perhaps Sasha will. She leaves with her henchman.

Sasha thanks Lucy and Brook for being so supportive, and Brook says, they never doubted her for a second, but Lucy says she did. If she’s being honest, she feared the worst, but Sasha pulled it together and became this magnificent creature who she knew Sasha could be. Sasha says she doesn’t know what she would have done if they hadn’t been there, and Brook says she thinks Sasha still would have made it. Even when she got distracted, she didn’t fall apart. Lucy says, Sasha got right back on her feet, and there was no stopping her. Brook says, she kept her focus, she kept the segment going, and sunk that landing like a boss. Sasha says, they’re right. She feels more like herself than she has in a long time. Lucy tells her to just pace herself, and Sasha says, maybe it’s the rush talking, but she’s wondering… Maybe it’s time she got back in the driver’s seat. Brook says, from where she’s standing, absolutely. N’neka brings a bottle of champagne, and they go to a table.

Felicia tells Alexis, it can’t be that late. She told Maxie that she was going to stop by and bring her some soup. She thanks Alexis for the chat, and says, Alexis has given her a lot to think about. She leaves, and Alexis says, same here.

The moss bowl is featured prominently, and Nina says she can’t believe she came here groveling and begging for Carly’s forgiveness and help. She never should have listened to Drew. Carly wonders what Drew has to do with it, and Nina tells her that he said she should come here and acknowledge her mistakes and be honest. But Carly doesn’t listen. Carly says, no one can save Nina’s relationship with Willow but her, and Nina says she’s asking how. Carly says, stop pushing through every boundary Willow sets a million miles an hour. And have some patience for a young girl battling cancer. All Nina does is put her needs above Willow’s, time and time again. Nina says, Carly is such a hypocrite, and Carly says, maybe she is; maybe she’s not. But right now, they both know she’s right about Nina and right about Willow. If Nina wants to be Willow’s mother, she’s going to have to do it on Willow’s terms.

Holly tells Diane, that’s an annoyingly good question. The reason she and Robert are going to work out this time is that… this time there are no obstacles. Diane says, what about the fact he’s a district attorney, and Holly leads a colorful life? Holly says, so there’s one obstacle, and Diane asks if it doesn’t concern Holly that, despite there being a rich tapestry that’s her history with Robert, the two of them currently reside in completely different worlds. Holly says she’s not going to apologize for the way she lives her life, but Diane says, no one’s asking her to apologize. Quite the contrary; she thinks Holly should write a book about her escapades. But has the universe really been working overtime to keep her and Robert apart? Or is it more likely that things haven’t worked out because they can’t, and probably never will?

Russell says, The Deceptor’s sales are off the charts, and Haven says, even without a total meltdown. They high-five, and Cody comes onto the set, saying, oh my God, Haven de Haviland. She says, this is a closed set, and he says he knows. He almost ran across it, naked. That’s how he got her PA to cut the cute sound effect they were using to gaslight Sasha. Russell says, the show’s over, so why doesn’t he… Cody grabs Russell’s hand, and asks if he knows how many bones are in this hand. Does he want to find out? Haven asks what he wants, but Cody says, nothing. He just wants her to know, if she ever threatens his friend Sasha again with a stunt like that, her sales figures will be the least of her problems. She asks if he’s threatening her, and he says, yes, ma’am, I am. And she doesn’t want to see him make good on any of his threats. He leaves.

Gladys asks N’neka if Miss Wu is still in the club, and N’neka says she is. Does Gladys want her to tell Selina that she’s looking for her? Gladys says, no, and N’neka moves on. Gladys overhears Sasha say, it’s been a while since she allowed herself to trust her own instincts. Now that’s all going to change. She thinks it’s time to let Gladys off the hook, and end the guardianship. She’s ready to take the reins again. She, Brook, and Lucy clink glasses.

Nina says she’ll give Carly this, besides having the world’s most fabulous moss bowl🎍, she didn’t drive the wedge between Nina and Willow, but once she saw it was there, she didn’t hesitate to take advantage. Carly says, if by take advantage Nina means take care of the young woman her son is in love with, the young woman Nina abused relentlessly, then yeah, she took advantage of her. Nina says, to think she felt guilty about… Carly says, guilty about what? and Nina says, blaming Carly for the estrangement between her and Willow, when it’s clear Carly will do everything in her power to keep them apart. Carly says, Nina can lash out at her all she wants. It doesn’t make it any less true. On her way out the door, Nina says, good luck with the SEC.

Diane asks if she’s spoken out of turn, but Holly says, not at all. She appreciates Diane’s frankness. Diane tells her, then what’s left to say except, you’re welcome. Now if Holly will excuse her, she’s going to call it a night. Holly says, not on her account, but Diane says she has to be in court in the morning. Who knows? Maybe one day she’ll get to defend Holly. Holly says she’d trust her freedom to no one else, and Diane says, nor should she. She walks over to Alexis, who asks, how’d it go? Diane says, not bad. She actually thinks she kind of likes Holly. Alexis says, that’s nice, and suggests she sleep on it. Diane says she’s not too proud to admit, Holly Sutton has some interesting qualities. She almost feels sorry for Robert, having to decide between them. Almost.

Valentin asks what Robert wanted, and Anna says, he’s having a really hard time making a decision. He wanted her to make it for him. Valentin asks if she did, but she says, no; not this time. He says, while she was solving her ex’s life problems – he puts her feet in his lap – her current, which is him – she says she remembers him – was putting the finishing touches on dinner, and not to brag – she says, as if – it’s the greatest amatriciana ever made. Even he’s impressed. Is she hungry? She says she could eat, and he kisses her.

Selina says she’s so glad to see Holly back in Port Charles, and Holly says she’s glad to be back. Especially since there was a moment she didn’t think she’d be back here, or anywhere else, ever again. Selina says, since she’s here safe and sound, she wonders if Holly would be open to doing a little more business. Their last venture proved fruitful to them both, did it not? Robert comes down the stairs, and stops short when he sees them. Holly says, it certainly did, and Robert watches from behind a column.

Tomorrow, Spencer tells Trina that she’s a genius; Selina tells Curtis that she can make the DNA test go any way he wants; Diane tells Mac, if he wants answers, he’ll have to ask his brother; and Holly asks someone for help.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey

Most embarrassing episode yet. And that’s saying a lot.

12 hours after Dolores’s Prohibition party. We see a clip of Danielle and Marge arguing heatedly at the party, and then Rachel and Danielle arguing. In a voiceover, Melissa says, for the last six months, she’s been keeping a secret, and doing everything in her power to keep the family together. Teresa says she didn’t want to say anything. She was scared they would ruin her wedding. Dolores calls Melissa, and says she feels bad about what happened at her house. She asks if Melissa and Joe #2 are going to the wedding, and Melissa asks how she can celebrate the marriage of the people who are trying to destroy hers. We see a clip of Joe #2 and Louie arguing, and they both look insane. Melissa says she doesn’t need to deal with toxic people, even if they’re in the shape of her family.

12 hours earlier. Dolores gets ready for her Prohibition party, and in her interview, she says she would have been a boss bitch in the 20s. Every mobster would have been fighting over her. We see a group from the Irish School of Dance, and Dolores says, Paulie wanted to bring Ireland to the boys, since the boys didn’t experience Ireland like they did. They have Irish dancers, Irish whiskey, and Irish singers. Paulie is handling everything, and all she has to worry about is looking pretty. It’s like her coming out party. She gets to show the crew her home, and her and Paulie as a couple, doing something together. The women and their SO’s trickle in, and in Melissa says she’s decided the 20s is her era. In her interview, she says she’s waiting for Paulie to get on one knee. Any time now. There’s more food than you can eat in a lifetime, and Frank dances with the Irish dancers for a millisecond. In Jennifer’s interview, she says she likes what whiskey does. She doesn’t remember Ireland, but remembers she had a good time. Rachel tells Marge that Danielle was playing nice at Teresa’s shower, and Marge says, Danielle was crying; she’s always crying. She doesn’t believe it’s just about Danielle’s brother. Rachel says she’s curious as to what’s going on that’s affecting Danielle so deeply. In Danielle’s interview, she says, she’s hoping for the best, and preparing for the worst. Bill tells Paulie that the guys he’s been trying to get Joe #2 to talk to Teresa, and we flash back to Joe’s interview, where he said he didn’t want his children raised in hate and anger. He tells Bill that it’s a tough situation, but Bill says, these are moments that only happen once in a lifetime. Melissa asks Danielle why she’d been crying, and Danielle says, everything is a trigger with Melissa and Teresa. Rachel says, Danielle seemed off when they were in Ireland. She has a relationship with Marge, and wants to give her a fair chance. Now she knows if she had said something negative about Jennifer, Danielle would have told her. In Rachel’s interview, she says, Danielle revealing that Teresa and Jennifer were talking to Laura isn’t a bad thing, but it proves her point. Rachel tells Danielle that Laura is Marge’s ex-friend, and it’s sensitive subject, so she wanted to give Marge a heads up. She wanted Marge to know what was being talked about. Danielle says she just wanted Rachel to be careful, and asks if they can put it behind them. In Danielle’s interview, she says she always wanted a friendship with Rachel. She doesn’t want to fight with her or have friction. She tells Rachel that she wants to move forward and build a friendship; their kids get along. Rachel says she was genuinely concerned about Danielle, and Danielle says, what she and Rachel had escalated, but she’s good now. In Rachel’s interview, she says she thinks she and Danielle could have a nice friendship, but they just haven’t been able to get to that point. Melissa comes by and asks how Danielle is. She was concerned about Danielle in Ireland. Danielle says she’s good now. She had things weighing on her mind in Ireland. Melissa wonders what it was.

In Danielle’s interview, she says she has a lot going on in her mind. She’s navigating the best way to tell Melissa about the rumor. She doesn’t want to hurt Melissa, and she’s damned if she does, and damned if she doesn’t. Melissa says, it’s an Irish party, so that means everyone must be drunk. Teresa and Louie are the last to arrive, and Louie deliberately ignores Joe #2. In Joe’s interview, he says, enough is enough. Louie knows what he’s doing, and he doesn’t respect that. Bill insists that it’s going be great night, and Frank tells Joe that Louie was short with him too. Louie says, you’d think, being her blood brother, Joe would show up differently, but Teresa says she has him and her love bubble. She just wants to be happy. Louie says he’s not happy with her brother, and Jennifer says, she’s happy for Teresa; Teresa’s chosen family, who want to celebrate her marriage, will celebrate with her. Danielle tells Jennifer that she’s going to tell Melissa about the rumor. She feels it’s the right thing to do. Jennifer says, she can’t do that, but Danielle tells her, if somebody was saying that about her, she’d want to know. Jennifer says, after what she went through last year, she didn’t want to do that to someone else. In Jennifer’s interview, she says, nobody protected her or her children. She doesn’t want to be that girl to another family. She tells Danielle that she was trying not to repeat what she was told, and in her interview, Jennifer says, Melissa didn’t do anything to her; it was Marge. She tells Danielle, at the end of the day, all this stuff comes from Marge. Danielle says, it’s only a matter of time, and in her interview, she says she doesn’t want to hurt Melissa, and doesn’t want to believe it’s true. She wants to tell her what a woman told her friend. If she heard something like that, and has to tell her in the most sincere way. She tells Jennifer that she’s looking out for Melissa; she’s not going to throw Jennifer under the bus. Jennifer says, it came from Laura, and Danielle says, if they want to put it on her, let them.  

Up the Dubs! Whatever that means. Danielle asks Melissa to come outside with her, and Jennifer watches. In Danielle’s interview, she says she has no strategy. She’s going in😐. Melissa is going to say, that’s not true, thanks for telling her, let’s do a shot, go back to the party, and continue the fun. She tells Melissa that she found out some information in Ireland that affected her on level where she was like, f***. She wants Melissa to know what’s being said about her. Laura was saying that Marge claimed a friend caught Melissa in the back seat of a car, kissing a guy. He told Marge about it, and Marge told Laura; that’s what Laura is saying. Melissa says, to be honest, she already heard about it through her husband. His sister called him secretly to tell him, behind Melissa’s back. In Melissa’s interview, she says, six months ago, Teresa called Joe over to her house, and said she’d heard this rumor. She believes it so much, she had to call Joe. How dare Teresa tell her husband that she cheated? She tells Danielle, that’s pretty f***ed up, coming from her sister-in-law. In her interview, she says, Teresa is repeating a baseless rumor from some woman who wants to hurt Marge. Melissa suggests Danielle call them both over. Teresa has accused her of doing a lot of things. She’s been a stripper – we flash back to that – she’s been accused of doing it in parking lots before – we flash back to that – and Teresa has said a multiple times that she’d leave her husband in a heartbeat for a richer man – and we flash back to that. There have been multiple things said that they’ve let go. In her interview, Melissa says, she had no intention of confronting Teresa about this because Joe doesn’t believe this BS, and she wanted Teresa to have a peaceful six months leading up to the wedding. But she has her minion come to make Melissa look bad in front of everyone, so they hear Melissa is a cheater. She asks Danielle if she looks like someone who would be in the back seat of a car, and Danielle says she doesn’t believe it. Why not address the messenger? Marge hears her name, and says she’s going to take Danielle’s Amazon dress and wrap around her throat. She comes over to Danielle and Melissa, and says she’s hearing her name. Danielle says, they were talking about Laura, and Marge wonders why she’s talking about someone she doesn’t know. Danielle says she heard something, and Marge asks, from who? Danielle says, don’t shoot the messenger, but Marge says, she’s not a messenger; she’s a sh*t starter. Danielle says, Marge has got the wrong person, and puts her finger in Marge’s face. When Marge tells her not to do that, she waves her hands all over the place, and Marge calls her a low budget Betty. Across the room, Dolores’s antennae go up, and she wonders if something is going on. Danielle says, everything is coming from Marge, and Rachel asks, what’s going on? Marge says, Danielle is a disgusting wannabe, and Melissa says, these two met up with Laura, pointing at Teresa and Jennifer. She calls Teresa a loser, and says, Teresa called Joe #2 to her house to tell him Melissa was in a car with a guy. In Dolores’s interview, she says she’s been around enough fights to know when it’s going to escalate. This is bad. Melissa follows Teresa around, mimicking her. Honestly, I have never seen adults behave like this. I can’t be certain what goes on behind closed doors, but certainly never at a party. Or a bar. Or anywhere in public.

At this point, there’s so much yelling and screaming and people bending over in a kiss-my-ass gesture, a lot is left out. It’s just a big, embarrassing free-for-all.

Melissa says, Teresa feeds on the hope she and Joe will get a divorce, and in Teresa’s interview, she says she didn’t want Louie to do it, but he’s the one who told Joe. If Marge was coming for him, he wanted Joe to be able to get in front of it. She never repeated it to anyone. Louie announces that he told Joe, and someone says, calm down, but Louie says he doesn’t give a f***, and gets all crazy eyed. He says he’s a winner. Teresa is winning. Teresa says, Melissa just wants attention, and Joe asks Melissa, what happened? She says, Danielle tried to tell her about the kissing in a car thing, and in Joe’s interview, he says, Louie called and said he needed to see Joe right away. He’d heard Melissa cheated on him. He’s got the wrong girl. Melissa says, they have to stop protecting them, and Marge says, this stupid girl brought it up, indicating Jennifer. Teresa says she knew this would blow back on her, and in Melissa’s interview, she says, Teresa knew this was going to happen, and was nervous. That’s why they were late. She should have told them to shut up. In Jennifer’s interview, she says she told Danielle not to say anything, but you can’t tell people what to do. Marge tells Jennifer that Laura is crazy, and Jennifer says, why fabricate a specific story with names, dates, and places? 😐Laura sung like a bird. Rats, birds. What is this, the poor man’s mafia circa 1948? Marge says she told Laura nothing, and Jennifer is on a revenge tour. She’s upset about what happened last year. Jennifer yells, now her daughter wants to be a therapist. I love how she makes this sound like such a bad thing. She says, that woman threw herself at her husband. <snort> She nearly launches herself at Marge, and starts crying. Bill manages to get her out of the room, but she yells the whole way. Rachel wonders, what just happened, and Teresa follows Jennifer. In her interview, Jennifer says, Melissa is a filthy cheater; not her husband. Melissa says, this was a great party move, and Danielle says she had good intentions. Marge told Laura and Danielle found out when they were in Ireland. Melissa asks if Danielle thinks it happened. In Rachel’s interview, she says, just because you have an ax to grind and say something, where’s the street cred?  You can’t just pull something out of the sky and say it’s true. That’s not how it works. Joe #2 laughs, and tells Melissa not to lose any sleep over it. Teresa says that Louie called Joe, and Louie announces that his friend Bo Dietl knows sh*t about everyone in the room. Everyone is like, who the hell is Bo Dietl? In Joe #2’s interview, he wonders who Louie is talking to, and tells Louie to back the f*** up. Nate holds Louie back and some guys hold Joe back, and Joe yells that Nate doesn’t have to hold Louie back.  

Joe #2 tells Louie, back the f*** up. He doesn’t talk to Joe’s wife like that. Louie laughs, and goes downstairs, and in Joe #2’s interview, he says, don’t get in his face like an angry devil. Who talks to woman like that? Louie tells Teresa that Melissa tried to fight him, and then Joe wanted to go at him. He told Melissa the truth. Teresa says she didn’t want him to call her brother. She knew it would blow back on her. Marge says, Danielle did this, and Danielle says, Marge can kiss her ass. Marge says, Danielle did to try and break up a family. Good job. In Danielle’s interview, she asks if Marge didn’t legitimately break up a family, which seems oxymoronish. Marge says, Danielle is a stupid bitch, and Rachel says, it wasn’t done privately. In Rachel’s interview, she says, personally, she wouldn’t pick these circumstances. She would have shared it in , but she’s not Danielle. In her interview, Danielle wonders why she’s being painted as the bad guy. It was Marge all along, and she tried to expose that. Joe #2 moans, why can’t we all just get along? The 90s called, and they want that back. In Dolores’s interview, she says she wasn’t thinking about the party and what she’d put into it (oh yes she was). She just wanted everyone to be okay. She’s so hurt for everyone.

We see in the text that Danielle and her brother still haven’t spoken. She’s focusing her energy on her Bougie Kidz line – one tutu at a time.  We see Marge is still living with Lexi and Nino (and presumably Joe #3). She’s continuing to build her arsenal – of extended family. Aww. Rachel has officially adopted Jaiden (yay!), and to celebrate, they took a trip to DisneyWorld, where Rachel hung out with her favorite rat, Mickey Mouse. Wait. What? This is the kind of thing that contributes to people who think mice grow up to be rats. Seriously, I had a friend who thought that.

Jennifer visits Teresa, who is cranky from last night. In Jennifer’s interview, she says, it’s supposed to be the happiest time in her good friend’s life. The situation is sad and disappointing. She should see it from my end. Teresa says she feels horrible, and Jennifer says she told Danielle not to do that. Teresa moans that the finger is always pointed at her, and I think of a finger I’d like to point. In the car, Dolores calls Melissa, and says she’s checking in on Melissa. She feels bad about what happened in her house. Melissa says she knew about Laura repeating the rumor. She’s known for six months, and had been dying to tell them. Louie whines to Teresa about being devastated, and Teresa says, it doesn’t stop. Joe #2 does construction on his new house, and in his interview, he says, Louie told him about the rumor, and continued to push. He said Melissa had been with multiple men, and told him to leave her. Then Gia called and said she’d heard what happened, and she thought he could do better. She said, mommy thinks so; they all do. He asked himself if he wanted to be around people who love him or want to hurt him. It’s a f***ed up situation. Melissa tells Dolores that Teresa and Jennifer were behind Danielle talking about the rumor. Teresa has been after her since she was 24, and she doesn’t need to deal with toxic people bringing her down, even if they’re in the shape of her family. Dolores asks if Melissa and Joe are going to the wedding, and Melissa asks how she can go support someone else’s marriage when they’re constantly trying to destroy hers.

Dolores tells Melissa, if they miss the wedding, she thinks it will be over over, but Melissa says, it’s been over. Dolores says she’s on her way to Teresa’s house. If they ask if Teresa’s brother is coming, should she say no? Melissa gives her the go ahead, and Dolores says she’s sorry for everything. She feels bad about last night. In Dolores’s interview, she says she can’t imagine if her only sibling didn’t come to her wedding. it’s not what she wants or wishes for them. It makes her nauseous to say it, but how is anybody coming back from this? She goes to Teresa’s house, and says she’s anxious for Teresa and her brother. She was talking to Melissa, who’s been upset. She’d kept her mouth shut, but now it’s out. In Teresa’s interview, she says she had plenty of opportunity to bring it up, but she kept her mouth quiet. She knew they would put it on her. Louie joins them, and says, last night was heavy. I expect him to put on a Nehru jacket any minute. Dolores says, Melissa felt that Teresa was behind it, but Louie says he called Joe, so he could get ahead of it. He doesn’t deserve to have it blow up in his face. The P.I. Bo Dietl brought him information on every person in the group. In Teresa’s interview, she acts ignorant of knowing anything, and Louie says he’s successful because he surrounds himself with successful people. In Dolores’s interview, she wonders what kind of information he has. She doesn’t understand what he’s talking about with this P.I. She tells them that Melissa said she and Joe weren’t coming to the wedding, and Teresa says, they hate her and Louie. This has been going on for over ten years. First she dealt with it with her ex, now she has a new chapter, and she’s so done. In Teresa’s interview, she says, family is the most important thing. You need to honor and respect family, not hurt them. Jennifer asks if she’s cutting them out of her life, and Teresa says, like her cousin Kathy. In other words, anyone who dares to tell her the truth. In her interview, Teresa says she’s been dragged through the mud and back. It’s gone on long enough. She tells Dolores that Melissa wanted to get her brother away from her, and got her wish.

We see in the text that Melissa is planning a housewarming. Teresa and Louie aren’t invited – it’s chosen family only. Teresa tells Dolores, that’s a relief, and thanks her. We read that Dolores and Paulie are looking for a new home. Dolores is looking for the gold at the end of her rainbow – in the shape of a ring. Jennifer and Bill continue to work on their marriage. Jennifer hopes Bill comes to prioritize the family over the pool house. Teresa tells Louie that she feels relieved, and he says, it’s over. He loves her. The text tells us that they’re preparing for their wedding. They lost two guests, but they’re gaining five pounds – of hair.

Next time – Teresa Gets Married – lots of Bravolebrities; Teresa wants it hot, sexy, and something people won’t forget, with as less clothes [sic] as possible; Jennifer says, the hair should be an accent piece, not the main event; Teresa cries over Melissa and Joe’s Instagram posts; and Gia says, it’s over for everybody.

🧊 Tipping the Iceberg…

Come back tomorrow, if you dare, for soap, and the VanderMoment we’ve all been waiting for. Until then, stay safe, stay arguing productively, and stay keeping it private if you’re going to be the messenger and not a sh*t starter.