What I Watched Today

(rambling, random thoughts & annoyingly detailed recaps from real time TV watching)

General Hospital

Portia tells Curtis, the longer she stayed quiet, the worse the consequences if she spoke up. She lived with constant anxiety and guilt because she didn’t want to risk the life they were building together over something that might not even be true. Curtis wonders what kind of life they could have had with that lie between them, and she says, they love each other. Isn’t their love unconditional? He says, honesty isn’t a condition; it’s a fundamental.She saw how important honesty and transparency was to him, and he thought she felt the same way. She swears she does, but he says, what’s been happening for the past twenty years suggests otherwise. Clearly, he doesn’t know the woman he just pledged his life. to.

Spencer and Trina go to the gallery, and Spencer asks why they’re here. She says, it’s a place she likes; a place she’s been mostly happy. She says he can go if he wants, but he says he’s not going anywhere, especially now that he knows Esme’s escaped from Spring Ridge.

Ryan says, there’s not enough room on the boat for all of them, so either Ava or Felicia is coming with him, and the other is never leaving this room. Now who’s ready to say goodbye? Felicia says, Ryan should be saying goodbye. By now, Mac has figured out where they are. Ryan doubts Mac has the wherewithal to figure it out, and Ava says, and Ryan’s never underestimated anybody before? Does he still feel it where she stuck the knife in his back? He says, a sign of her passion for him, and Felicia says, he’s trapped himself. He’s on this island, and Mac is going to stop him. Ava says, unless of course (🍷) someone else stops him first, and he asks if someone else is on the island. She says, someone, someones… That’s for her to know, and him to worry about.

At the hospital on the phone, Laura asks someone to meet her at Pier 55 as soon as possible, and Jordan asks how Mac’s head is, since he’s now up, dressed, and walking around like nothing happened. He says he’ll be fine. He’s more worried about Felicia. Ryan must have turned off her phone. He can’t access the app they use for tracking it. Laura says she can’t reach Ava either, and Jordan says she sent Detective Bennett to the pier, and he reported the launch is on the island, so it stands to reason, Ava is home. Laura says she bets Ava has company, and Jordan says, they also found Mac’s car at Pier 55. Mac says, Laura was right. Heather, Ryan, and Esme must have headed to the pier after they ambushed him. Laura says, it makes sense considering Ava is Ryan’s current obsession, but at least they know where Felicia is. They’ll go to the island and bring her back. Mac just hopes they’re not too late.

Austin starts to make a call, presumably to the police, when the hook comes down, stabbing him in the abdomen. Heather says, sorry, doc, and Esme screams.

Gregory goes to Alexis’s office, and she asks for the good news. He sees what looks like champagne in an ice bucket, and asks what it is. She tells him, sparkling cider. They’re going to celebrate him joining The Invader’s editorial board. He tells her, before she opens that, she should hear what he has to say.

At the pier, Mac says, Ryan has Felicia and Ava. They can only assume Heather is with them, which makes the situation even more dangerous. They need to get those hostages. Jordan says, they will, and Laura says, but he heard what Ryan said. If they go in there guns blazing, they’re putting Felicia’s life at risk. He says, it’s already at risk, and Jordan says, as is Ava’s, and presumably Esme’s if she’s a hostage. Acting in haste without a concrete plan will only put the hostages in more danger. Laura says, she’s right, and if it were anyone other than Mac’s wife over there, he’d be saying the same thing. Let’s come up with a plan of action. Jordan says, they have eyes on the island in the air and the water. Windymere is surrounded… Detective Bennett joins them, and tells Jordan that the last hit on the cell phone was on Spoon Island. He tells Laura that her husband is waiting outside the cord, and Laura asks him to let Doc in. Mac says he knows Laura is worried too; Esme is carrying her grandchild. Laura says, they’re not the only ones with family on the island, when Doc joins them, and asks, what’s happening?

Curtis tells Portia, she said she trusted him, and she says, more than anyone. He says, she just didn’t trust him with the possibility they might have a daughter, but she says, it wasn’t about trust; it was about Trina. In her eyes and heart, Taggert was her father. He says, what about the past two years, when it became increasingly clear that he was going to be a part of Trina’s life. Didn’t she think they both should know? She says, obviously, she was afraid she was going to lose him if she told him the truth, but choosing between telling him that Trina might be his and hurting her baby girl, wasn’t a choice to make. But now she knows, and she’s out there, and her heart is breaking. Portia starts to cry.

Spencer says he doesn’t know if Esme’s memory came back or she never lost it in the first place, and Trina says, if she was faking all this time, she’s not only free, she’s dangerous. He says, that’s why he had to make sure Trina was safe, and she says, Esme just escaped from prison. If Esme was trying to come for her, it would be a good way to get caught. He says, fair point, but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t take every precaution, and she says she knows he’s worried about Esme’s baby, his little brother or sister.

Austin tumbles into the living room, followed by Esme, still screaming her head off, and Heather carrying the hook. Ryan says he told Heather to be on watch, and Esme faints. Ryan tells Ava and Felicia to stay where they are, and gives Heather the gun, saying, cover them. He checks Esme out, and says, she just fainted; she’ll be fine. Heather wonders, is it the baby? Blood pressure? Ryan says he imagines it was witnessing Heather’s dexterity with a hook, and Felicia says, Heather’s the lunatic who’s been killing people with a hook? Heather says, guilty as charged, your highness, and Felicia asks, why? Heather asks why Felicia’s husband is a cop, and Felicia says, to protect and serve. Heather says, same here, and Ryan says, it’s time to go. Ava says she has to help Austin, but Ryan says, don’t make him shoot her. She says, it’s up to him, and tends to Austin, who mumbles, what happened? Ryan says, he’s alive. Get away from him. Ava says she has to stop the bleeding, and Heather says she’s a regular Florence Nightingale. Ryan says, they’ve had enough fun here. As soon as he bids goodbye to Mrs. Scorpio, they’ll board the launch. Heather says, just in time for the Harbor Patrol to board them. By now, the cops know they broke out of Spring Ridge, and know they have Esme with them. They know Ava is his girlfriend, so it’s just a matter of time before they realize that they’re here.

Doc tells Laura that he wishes he could say he’s surprised Ryan was faking, and she asks if he thinks Ryan ever had Locked-in Syndrome. He says he thinks it was real in the beginning, but clearly, Ryan’s made a full recovery. Since he has an obsession with Ava, it makes sense he’d go straight to Windymere, but how did he get Felicia? She says, they think Felicia went to visit Ava, and was just there when he arrived, and he says, wrong place, wrong time. He wonders how Esme and Heather figure in. Heather is an escape artist, and it would make sense that Ryan would try to recruit her, but why would she agree? Laura says, Heather’s connection is still a mystery. Dante and Sam did some digging, and uncovered some new information, and it explains why Ryan wants to keep Esme near him. Esme is Ryan’s daughter.

Jordan says, Harbor Patrol just arrived for back-up, and Mac suggests they attack by water and air, but Jordan says, Ryan will see them coming. He says, if they negotiate, it gives Ryan time to plan an escape, but she says, it keeps the hostages safe… at least safer. He says, a full assault could be the only way to get the others back. Who knows what Ryan and Heather will do if they manage to buy themselves more time. She says, then they need another option, and he says, but what if there is none? Where does that leave them?

Gregory says, the university won’t allow him to accept the position, and Alexis asks, why not? He says, PCU views it as a potential conflict of interest, and she says, for a journalism professor to actually work in the field of journalism? Only something that stupid would happen in academia. Her desk phone rings, and she says, they’re not done with this. It’s Smoltz (remember him?), and she says she already knows two people escaped from Spring Ridge. When he gets the names, they’ll discuss it. She hangs up, and Gregory says, a scoop? She says, according to Smoltz, and he says, Smoltz has been reliable before. She says, a reliable scandal monger, and that’s when he gets the facts straight. Her cellphone dings, and she says, yes, he did actually. She underestimated her little friend. Apparently, he’s going to get his first byline on the front page.

Spencer says, when he saw Esme, she seemed to care about the child, but maybe that was a con too. Trina says she hopes it wasn’t, and he says, there’s nothing he can do about that situation right now, but he can be here for Trina, like she’s been there for him. So please tell him, what went down tonight? She says she doesn’t know where to start. She just found out her mother lied to her for her entire life. He says, about what? and they sit down. She says, her dad might not be her biological father.

Curtis says, if Portia wants to go after Trina, he understands, but she says, right now, she’s the last person Trina wants to see. He says he cares what happens to Trina too, and she says, he always has. It’s one of the reasons she fell in love with him again. He says, that’s what he’s talking about. Portia watched all the challenges he and Trina faced, and all the obstacles they had to overcome. And the many times Trina and Taggert reminded him that he wasn’t her real father, when all the while, Portia knew he might be. She says she wasn’t sure, and he says, because she didn’t want to be. Tell him, what was she thinking during all those long conversations they had, talking about having children, knowing he wanted the very thing she’d been denying him? Look him dead in the eyes, and tell him how she could do that to him.

Trina says she had to get out of that room, and Spencer says, her mother must be going through hell. She says, who cares what her mother’s going through? She deserves it.

Portia tells Curtis that she was thinking about Taggert and Trina, and how they’ve been each other’s world Trina’s whole life. She thought of the damage it could possibly cause to their relationship. Whether he wants to believe it or not, she thought of him too. Over and over, she pictured telling him, and how the news would hit him. She knew he’d be counting up the years he’d missed. Every birthday, every holiday, every milestone. And how miserable they’d all be if she even raised the possibility. He says, that’s not even the same argument she used when his father came back into his life. She urged him to move on from the past, and look to a future he and his father could share. Because he listened to her, he has a relationship with a man he thought was dead and gone. He has the privilege of getting to know his father. She says, he’s right. She thinks the situations are a little different, but if Trina turns out to be Curtis’s, she wishes the same for the two of them. He says, but that was never her intention. Be real with him. Was she ever going to find out, or was her plan to die with her lie?

Alexis tells Gregory, there were three people who escaped from Spring Ridge; Esme Prince, Heather Webber… and Ryan Chamberlain. He says he thought Ryan had Locked-in Syndrome, and she says, so did everyone else, including the guard he killed. He says, Esme Prince hasn’t even been convicted of anything; she’s in custody, awaiting trial. Did she stumble upon the escape, and decide to make a break for it herself, opportunistically? Alexis says, she probably orchestrated the whole thing. She volunteered at Spring Ridge, so she knows her way around the facility. He says he thought her memory was impaired, and Alexis says, or she was faking it. All she knows is, Esme and Ryan were cozying up together at Spring Ridge. So between Esme’s knowledge of the facility, and Heather’s gift for escaping custody… He says, the van crash, but she says, that’s nothing. That woman has broken in as much as she’s broken out. He says, after the crash, Heather was apprehended almost immediately, and Alexis says, she stopped for a BLT first at Kelly’s, then asked to be taken into custody. He says, but they didn’t take her back to D’Archam; they put her in Spring Ridge. Alexis says, a minimum security prison, and Gregory says, if she gets captured again, she’s going back to max, so why take the risk to escape with two strangers?

Laura wonders if Esme was in this with Ryan, and Doc says he thinks she knew of her connection to Ryan before she lost her memory. Laura says, which explains why she couldn’t stay away from him when she was working at Spring Ridge, which would also mean she knew Ryan was faking. He says, absolutely, but he thinks her memory loss was genuine, and Laura says, which would make her every bit as much a victim as Felicia and Ava. Jordan comes over with Mac, and says, they’ve been strategizing how best to apprehend the escapees without causing harm to the hostages. Mac says, they’re not liking their options, but since Laura is more familiar with the property than anyone… Laura says she doesn’t think Ryan would know about the tunnel from Windymere to the mainland. Valentin used it a couple years ago when he was fleeing with Charlotte. She’s sure it’s still passable.

Heather says, good job, loverboy. He’s managed to trap them in the one place the police are guaranteed to look for them. Esme jumps up and heads for the door, but Ryan blocks her. Ava says, Austin is losing  too much blood, and Ryan says, there’s one thing Esme has to understand. She belongs to him. She’s his baby. Felicia bangs into his side, knocking him down, and Esme takes off out the patio doors.

Alexis says, Esme, Heather, and Ryan have a propensity to kill, but Gregory says, the PCPD no longer considers Esme a prime suspect in The Hook killings. For one thing, none of the recent victims remember the attacker being pregnant. She says, it seems they were both involved; they just didn’t do it alone. She hands him a folder, and says, remember this? and he says, the letter the killer wrote her. She says, the killer said she had a designated hit list of people who had wronged Esme, and he reads, only those who have wronged me and mine will meet with my venom. It doesn’t sound like a hired killer taking direction; it sounds personal. She says, they didn’t pay someone. They recruited someone who had a vested interest in Esme’s well-being. He asks if she has anyone in mind, and she says, Sam and Dante are in England looking for Esme’s nanny; she was close to Esme. He asks if Alexis thinks she might be the culprit, and she says she has no idea, but she’s calling Sam and Dante. Maybe they found out something.

Spencer says he’s not making excuses for Trina’s mom, but he knows what it’s like to hurt the people you love. Trina says she admits she tried to sympathize with what Spencer was going through with his father, but never related to it. But now she can. He says he’s so sorry. Both of them have had their lives ruined by the parents they rely on the most. On the bright side, Trina’s mother is no Nikolas Cassadine. Trina says, it’s a low bar, but he says, she cleared it, and Trina laughs. He says, no matter how bad things get, her mom is never going to abandon her. She says, he’s right. As bad as her mom screwed up, she knows her mom will always be here for her. He says, so will he.

Curtis says, if Aunt Stella hadn’t found out Trina could be his daughter, was Portia ever going to tell him? and she says, probably not. He asks how Aunt Stella found out, since he knows Portia didn’t tell her, and she says she doesn’t know for sure, but he says, she must have some kind of idea. Just tell him the truth; he’s owed that. She says she thinks Jordan must have told her.

Laura says she hasn’t set foot in the tunnels in years, but thinks she can lead them through. Mac shows her the most recent map of the property, and asks her to show them the best route. He tells everyone, they’re going in. Laura steps away, and Doc asks, what’s wrong? She says she can’t shake the feeling that there’s a danger they haven’t anticipated, and he says, with Ryan and Heather on that island, it’s a safe bet.

Felicia struggles with Heather, while Ava tries to grab the hook, but Ryan aims his gun at her. He says, don’t make him shoot her in the kneecap. He might miss and hit an artery. Or better yet, her friend who’s bleeding out on the floor. Maybe she should look after him. She puts the hook down, once again tending to Austin. Heather wants to look for Esme, but Ryan says he’ll go. He says he won’t let anything happen to Esme any more than Heather will let anything happen to Ava while he’s gone. He hands her the gun, and she says, what about the Aztec princess? He says, do what she wants with her. She will anyway. He leaves, and Heather says, this sucker’s heavy. She prefers the hook. She aims the gun at Ava and Felicia, and says, any last words, ladies?

Curtis asks if Jordan knows, and Portia says, Jordan has suspected for a while now. He says, all this time, Jordan knew and said nothing? and she says, only to Stella. He says, Jordan told Aunt Stella and not him? That’s why Aunt Stella avoided officiating at their ceremony. She couldn’t preside over a wedding she didn’t believe in. She probably didn’t even have to fake her own illness. Hell, he’s feeling a little ill himself. Portia says she knows this is bad, but believes they can work through it. She made a mistake, but she promises it won’t happen again. He says, that’s exactly what she told him all those years ago when he found out she was married. He knows it’s been a while, but it’s starting to seem like a pattern.

Spencer says, it’s weird that he and Trina are in the same place they met, but it’s closed now. She hopes Ava will be back in business soon, and he lifts his water bottle, saying, to the gallery and the many fond memories. She says, cheers to that, and they clink water bottles. She says, for the record, getting nostalgic about dousing her in fake blood is really weird, but he says, in all fairness, it wasn’t meant for her. She says, he knows that doesn’t make it okay, and he says he does, but he wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Alexis leaves a message for Sam to call her, and Gregory tells her, say Maggie Fitzgerald is The Hook killer. What does she have to do with the escape? Alexis says she doesn’t know, but she does know Esme and Ryan are connected to each other. Gregory says he’ll leave her to her musings. He hopes to get a sneak peek before the morning edition. He leaves, and she studies the letter from The Hook.

Jordan asks for the status, and Mac says, the team is briefed; Laura is looking for anything she can remember. There’s no more time to wait. They need to move in now.

Doc says, it looks like Laura remembered more than she thought she would, but she says she hopes it’s reliable. He says, whatever she gave them, it’s better than going in blind, and she says, something’s been nagging at her. Doc said Ryan insisted Esme wasn’t The Hook killer. Was that because Ryan was protecting his daughter, or because Ryan knows who The Hook killer is?

Alexis makes a call to the warden. I assume of Spring Ridge, but she didn’t say.

Heather says, bang! and starts laughing. She wishes Ava and Felicia could have seen their faces when she asked if there were any last words. They both say, we were there, and Heather says, they’re a hoot. They’re priceless. You know what? Go on. She waves the gun toward the door, and says, get out of here. Ava says, she’s not going to kill them? and Heather says, nah. Why should she? Fly away, girls. Be free. Live your lives… Why are they still here? Felicia says, her offer of freedom would be more believable if she wasn’t holding a gun on them, and Heather says, people call her unhinged, but she’s never been accused of being a complete idiot. There’s two of them and a hook right there. She has to hold the gun on them until they leave. If she wanted to kill them, she’d have done it already. She actually doesn’t want any part of Ryan’s stupid little games. Ava says, what about Esme? Why abduct her? Heather seems to really care about her. Heather says, now she’s getting bored with them. She’d just as soon set them free if it meant she’d never have to lay eyes on them again. Ava knows there’s an underground passageway leading off the island. She’s free to use it.

Trina says, before Spencer found her, she was talking to her dad, and he was telling her nothing would change between them, even if they found out she’s not his biological daughter. She believes that he believes it, but how can things not change? They already have. He says, such as? and she says, herself. She doesn’t know who she is anymore. Spencer says he knows who she is. She’s a girl who likes classic sitcoms and books about guerrilla feminist artists. She’s the same Trina who mocks his love of gingersnaps, and who won’t rat him out when she’s on the stand even though her freedom is on the line. She’s blunt, but she’s big-hearted. She’s fair and she’s forgiving. She improves the life of everyone who knows her. She’s the one who always told him that who he is, is more than just his last name, his DNA. So whoever’s child she is, she’s the sweetest, smartest, and bravest person he knows. She gets up on her tiptoes and kisses him. They kiss again.

Curtis says he needs some air, and Portia asks if he’s coming back. He says he can’t answer that, and leaves. She cries some more.

Mac puts on a bulletproof vest, and Laura tells him, good luck. Jordan thanks Laura for her guidance, but Laura just hopes it’s accurate. Jordan says, they’ll figure it out, and Doc says, be careful. What Ryan feels for Esme is as close as he’ll ever get to a real bond, and he’ll stop at nothing to protect that. Mac says he’ll stop at nothing to protect his wife, and Jordan promises they’ll bring Felicia back. They head out, and Laura says she prays to God this works. Alexis calls to Jordan, and an officer tells her to step back, but Laura says, it’s all right. Alexis says, it’s urgent that she speak with Jordan, but Laura says, she’s on her way to Windymere right now. Alexis asks, what’s at Windymere? and Laura says, off the record, a hostage situation. Alexis asks if it has anything to do with the escapees from Spring Ridge, and Doc wonders why she’s asking. Alexis says, that’s why she wants to speak to the Commissioner. All the victims were linked to Trina Robinson and Esme Prince. That hitlist was compiled to avenge Esme. Laura says, they suspected something like that, but had no concrete proof, and Doc asks if Alexis knows why The Hook would avenge Esme. Alexis says she doesn’t know why, but she knows who. She knows who The Hook is.

Ava says, all right, they’ll go, but Felicia says she won’t leave an injured man. Heather says, good luck dragging his body all the way through the tunnels to the mainland, and Ava says she thinks the best thing is for them to go, and send help back for Austin. Heather says, now that she thinks about it, Ava might want to hang back, and Ava asks why she’d want to do that. Heather says, to end this unholy obsession between her and Ryan once and for all, but Ava says, the obsession was one-sided, thank you very much. She’ll let the authorities handle Ryan – again. She tells Felicia, let’s go, and they move toward the door. Heather asks if Ava isn’t curious to hear what Ryan did to try to win her back, but Ava says, not particularly. Heather says, he was the one who really the one responsible for destroying Ava’s life in the process. She’s sure when Ava hears, she’ll want to handle Ryan herself. Felicia tells Ava, let’s go.

Ryan tears through the woods, looking for Esme, and finds her on the ground, leaning against a large rock or maybe a tombstone. He asks if she’s hurt. She tells him to get away from her, but he says, it’s okay. Daddy’s here. It’s cold, which means she shouldn’t be on the ground like this. It’s not good for her or the baby. She says, he is? and he says, right now, he’s the best chance for the both of them, so please, let him help. She says, her water broke. The baby’s coming.

Tomorrow, Curtis tells Marshall, some things are really unforgivable; Trina tells Spencer, don’t stop; and Ava tells Heather, Ryan started this and she’s going to finish it.

Below Deck

Captain Sandy asks Ross to escort Alissa off the boat, and in her interview, the captain says, it never feels good to fire a crew member. You’re ending their income, but as captain, she has to make the hard decisions, and  has to live with them. Alissa tells Fraser that she got fired for basically nothing, and in Ross’s interview, he says, it’s awkward because he and Alissa have a bit of history, but he trusts the captain. Unfortunately, Alissa has to go. Alissa whines that it’s a dictatorship, and Captain Sandy radios Fraser, Hayley, and Tyler to meet with her. She tells them that everyone has a personal opinion, but you have to respect the hierarchy. She doesn’t like malicious gossip; it infects the vessel. She guarantees they’ll have lighter steps, and knows that together they can kill this charter. Rachel wonders what’s happening, but Katie has no clue. In Fraser’s interview, he agrees that Alissa was an a-hole, a blight on the boat a problem, but she did a great job. He’s worried, but he feels since the captain gave him a second chance, he should use this opportunity to turn things around. He’s better than this. Captain Sandy sends a text saying she’s looking for a new stew. Alisson packs, and in her interview, she gripes about being a scapegoat, and says she was the only person with the balls to speak up. Fraser is impossible to replace, so Captain Sandy got rid of the next best thing – her. Again, this girl does not seem to grasp the boss/employee concept. All jobs with a boss are a dictatorship, some more benevolent than others. She leaves, and the captain calls Fraser to the bridge. Fraser runs out and gives Alissa a hug. In Alissa’s interview, she says she’s leaving with a full heart and tired feet. The captain tells Rachel that the lack of respect was intolerable. She thinks it will be lighter on the boat, and this will be the best charter. Rachel agrees, and says, it had been building. Katie tells the interior, if they need help, the deckhands will pitch in. In Fraser’s interview, he says he respects the captain’s decision, and he’s going to work his ass off. Captain Sandy tells him that he has an amazing team. It’s a lot, but he’s reset. She finds his ability to compose himself exceptional, and admires that. In the captain’s interview, she says she knows Fraser wants to be the best of the best, and deserved the chance to reset. She believes in him, and knows he can do this. Fraser tells Hayley to just make sure everything looks pretty, and Ben calls Camille, who says she’s been vindicated. In her interview, she says, Alissa has shown her real face, and she’s satisfied they see what she saw. #justiceforcamille. She says she can’t wait see Ben and chill, and in Ben’s interview, he says he’s head over heels for Camille. He’s fallen for her hook, line, and sinker. Captain Sandy has a quick pre-charter meeting, and tells the crew, we’re almost there. What happened it just part of yachting, and she supports them. Let’s tackle this.

The beauty queens come on board, wearing their winning sashes. In Tony’s interview, he wonders if this is really necessary. Is the circus in St. Lucia? They have one dude with them, John, and I guess what they meant on their preference sheets was that they’d be bringing a drag queen, not requesting one. Rachel tells Hayley that she’s going to need to concentrate, since there are multiple dietary restrictions. John asks if Fraser can go in the hot tub with them, but Fraser says, alas, no. He tells the guests that his only concern is to make it divine and spectacular for them. In Fraser’s interview, he says he’s been single for three years or so. While you never say never to guests chartering a superyacht, in this scenario it has to be a no. Drinks and snacks happen, and the guests pageant wave as the boat leaves the dock. In Hayley’s interview, she says she’s quietly freaking out. Alisson was more on service, and worked the bar. She knows how to consume alcohol, but putting it together has her concerned. Anchor is dropped in Rodney Bay. Guest Laquish requests a turkey club, and it throws Rachel off her timing for lunch. The guests start demanding food, and it makes Fraser stressed. Rachel says, the club sandwich f***ed her.  

The guests talk butt lifts and pageants at lunch. In Fraser’s interview, he says he’s doing everything tin his power to impress the captain. It’s a lot of work this charter, but he’s adamant they can get it done. John flirts with Fraser, and several of the guests go out on the jet skis. Captain Sandy offers to help with turndowns, which is another thing I like about her; she’s not above doing grunt work. John tells Fraser that he’s going to do a drag show, and they go over the logistics. Camille texts Ben about meeting in the DR, and Ben asks Katie about future plans with Ross. In Katie’s interview, she says she can’t have a relationship with someone across the world. Not that she could handle any relationship with Ross. Fraser brings out homemade gluten-free bread, which is met with enthusiasm. In Rachel’s interview, she says she has to mentally apply herself, since the dietary restrictions are all different. John talks about having been married, and says, they had a daughter in 2016, but he found out the baby was a product of his wife’s affair with her boss. He says, everything happens for a reason, and now instead of being dad, he’s Papa John, because he delivers the goods and flavor. The guests declare the chef amazing, and John says, she’s seven star. Fraser tells Rachel that the guests want dessert with the drag show, and the crew dons wigs. In Ross’s interview, he says he’s all for dressing up and role play (of course he is), but typically not in the work place. Fraser introduces Trossie Twatts, and in Tyler’s interview, he says, you have to be happy being you. It doesn’t matter what other people think. He wonders if he’s trying to convince himself.

Laquish tells Fraser that she’ll be wanting another turkey sandwich for a late night snack, and 24 karat gold on a steak. In Fraser’s interview, he says, she’s a problem. She doesn’t want a sandwich, or even want to eat. She’s just going out of her way to ask for more. There’s always one. He gets the sandwich from Rachel, who tells him, it’s made with goddam love. Laquish can’t sleep in her cabin, and sets up camp on one of the couches, asking people to tote and fetch for her. In Tyler’s interview, he says, she’s acting like a brat. He thought beauty queens would be poised, and have more class. Clearly, that’s not true. Captain Sandy asks Ross to check out beaches for the guests’ Beach Queen Olympics. She thinks it’s going to be a no-go because of the wind, but they can tell the client they checked it out. In her interview, she says, the wind is 35 knots. As captain, you want to meet the guests’ requests, but sometimes you have to manage their expectations. They’ll ask for the moon, and they can’t get the moon. We flash back to the last beach disaster, and it starts raining. Laquish bugs Fraser about the gold steak, and he says, they’ve gotten her everything she’s requested; they’ll get her that. In Rachel’s interview, she says, it’s a new fad; steaks encrusted in gold. As if it’s a good idea to eat that much gold. You could take a turd and wrap it in gold foil, presenting it like a Fabergé egg. It’s literally decadent sh*t. Fraser tells Captain Sandy that the guests won’t want to go to that horrific beach, but they want their Beach Queen Olympics. In his interview, he says, they don’t like to say no, so he’s thinking they should provide more entertainment and luxury on the boat than off. The captain tells the guests that they’re looking at heavy wind and rain, and patchy sun. They only have one option here, where they’ve been numerous times, and everyone thinks there are nicer beaches. However, everything is doable on the boat. Katie suggests the do different events on different bridges, and Fraser tells the guests that there are better options than that horrible beach, but it’s their trip. Laquish says, they just want be happy, which is a little vague. Does this involve another turkey sandwich?

Primary Laura asks if the crew can be part of their teams, and Laquish pops in the galley to make sure Rachel knows about the steak. In Rachel’s interview, she says, you want glitter sh*t, I’ll give you glitter sh*t for days. Fraser grumbles that the cabins are the worst, and he’s absolutely right; the guests have their junk everywhere. The Olympic events are, a three-legged race, draw me like a French girl, and dive style. John gives Ben one of his million neon Speedos to wear. In Hayley’s interview, she says, the cabins are making her anxious. It reminds her of the creature on Sesame Street that lives in a bin. The Olympic teams are formed; Two in the Pink, Miami Queens, Nauti by Nature, Boat Mamas, and Queen Beaches. For the French girl drawing, one partner poses and the other draws them on a whiteboard. The Queen Beaches win, and in Fraser’s interview, he says, there is less tension. Maybe Captain Sandy is the Oracle. He thinks she helped lift the weight he didn’t know he was carrying, and Alissa might have been one. The captain gets a text that a stew has been found and can be there in two days. The Miami Queens win the three-legged race, and they move on to the dive, being judged on style and elegance. Most of them dive like I do, not at all, and just jump in. In Ross’s interview, he says he’s enjoying Katie’s bikini, and I just don’t see what anyone sees in this guy. The Miami Queens win the dive, and the overall championship, for which they receive a ribbon. Huzzah. Laquish – not being called Laqueef by Fraser and Hayley behind the scenes – wants fun stuff in her water, like strawberries and mint. Fraser tells Hayley who it’s for, and she says, of course it is.

The guests demand more fresh towels, which Hayley delivers. Laquish asks, how can she wash her Hello Kitty without a towel? and Hayley can’t get out of there fast enough. I can’t blame her. Captain Lee texts Captain Sandy, asking if she can talk. Hayley and Tyler do the main cabin, and Hayley says, what a mess; an absolute bitch. She flops on the bed as Laura walks in, and Laura says, sorry about the glitter. Hayley says, they love her, and in Hayley’s interview, she says she’s hoping Laura hasn’t got the best hearing, or they’re going to get fired. Laura leaves, and Hayley asks if Tyler ever feels like he wants to get in a hole and die. Captain Sandy asks how Captain Lee is doing, and Captain Lee says he spoke to his doctor, and has important news. He’s been cleared to return, and he’ll be back in a couple of days. In the captain’s interview, she says, it’s always been Captain Lee’s boat and crew. He’ll come back to a sweet, lean operating machine. She’s happy for him – and herself.

Next time, the new stew was a chief stew, which Fraser is not happy about; Ben knows the new stew, which he doesn’t seem happy about; and Captain Lee is goddam glad to be back.

🏖  On the God awful Summer House, the housemates had a July 4^th picnic on the beach, inflicting themselves on other people. Mya whined to Kyle about Lindsay putting the kibosh on her and Carl’s friendship, and Kyle whined about Carl changing. I think it’s called maturing, of which Kyle knows nothing. He hunted Carl down, and said it felt like there was an elephant in the room; something was off. Carl said he’d been busy moving in with Lindsay, and was burned out. He’d been about the long term; what he wanted to do and where he was going with Loverboy. He was working his ass off, and it still wasn’t good enough. He didn’t feel valued. Kyle wondered what was different, and decided Lindsay must be in Carl’s ear.

Carl said, Lindsay wanted him to be happy, and had opened his eyes to his value. In Kyle’s interview, he said he thought that was bullsh*t. Loverboy had given Carl a purpose when he had none, and he thought it was more like Lindsay was bored not having Carl around. Gabby was introduced to new guy Jaerez, and when she found out he was a Cancer, went off her rocker. She said, Cancer men were triggering for her, historically dishonest, and sociopaths. This was too bad, since he’s a model and possibly shallow enough for her. As she read him this riot act, the others stood at a distance, deciphering it as flirting. Gabby told Jaerez that her ex had ghosted her, and shown up at Coachella with another girl. In Gabby’s interview, she said, they got together right out of college. They were together four years, and he was cheating on her for three. Mya said Lindsay had spoken to her in a way she’d never been spoken to, because at least one person has to be offended by something imaginary every week. Lindsay tried to explain that because Mya had texted Carl about smoking weed, she felt Mya was sabotaging Carl’s sobriety, and she was just supporting her boyfriend. Mya said Lindsay had accused her of a lot of things, but Lindsay begged to differ, and said she’d only been calmly and adultly sharing feelings. Mya tried to run, but Lindsay followed, and told Mya that it had been disrespectful. Mya got all sarcastic, and said, feel however you want, bitch. Nice.

Lindsay said she’d thought they had a civil conversation, but Mya was changing the narrative. Mya said she just wanted to be okay living together, and Lindsay agreed. They hugged, but I’m pretty sure that’s not the end of it, since it never is. Junior Housewives in training. Back at the house, Kyle came out in a blazer with an American flag design, said he was Captain America, and Amanda said she hated her life. Oliver came by, and by midnight, Carl and Lindsay were asleep, while Kyle ran around outside with a sparkler in each hand. Sam thought he might be her dad and it was upsetting.  Carl and Lindsay met Danielle for lunch, and Carl said, Loverboy was Kyle and Amanda’s dream, not his. He wasn’t loving being in bars, and wanted to be compensated for his time and energy. Danielle was concerned he was being taken advantage of.

We saw everyone in their native weekday habitats. In Paige’s interview, she said she and Craig were feeling no pressure to hit milestones. Gabby’s parents grilled her about her dating life and in her interview, she said she was so codependent on her parents, it bordered on mental illness. They just wanted her to be happy, but she had a wall up after her last relationship. Kyle told Amanda that their Palm Springs/Coachella area distributor had dumped them, and he blamed Carl for not forming a relationship with them. In his interview, he said, distributors had to feel the love, and Carl wasn’t doing his job. No one knew what Carl was doing, but he’d been doing less since getting together with Lindsay. Amanda reminded Kyle that he was Carl’s friend, and Kyle said Lindsay’s influence was the problem. He was determined to find something that worked, but not at the expense of the company.

Ciara showed up, and in her interview, she said this summer was a redo without a certain someone. We flashed back to Austen, and Ciara said she and Danielle were amicable now. Then we flashed back to Ciara acting like a lunatic, throwing a glass at Danielle for pretty much no reason. I noted that everyone had the same long, straight hair this season, and wondered how I’d tell them apart. Luckily there are only two blondes, and Lindsay is one of them. Her, I know. Lindsay and Carl flew off to a wedding in California, and Amada said no one in the company had any idea he was going to be gone. Even she had to ask for time off. The housemates went to a restaurant for dinner, and I thought if Kyle said in his ear one more time, I might smash the TV. He whined to Mya that he was happy when Carl and Lindsay found each other; he cried. Carl was VP of sales, but he’d checked out, because… Lindsay was in his ear. 🔨 He’d hired Carl when he was unhirable, and came to work drunk or coked out. The world needed to know that he was an understanding boss. He got up and said he couldn’t eat anymore.

Danielle said Kyle was ruining her night talking about Carl. He’d said Carl was coked out. Was that two weeks ago or two years? Kyle said it had been over a year ago, and Danielle asked why he was bringing it up now. Kyle told her MYOB, but she asked how he could talk sh*t about Carl, and her not have an opinion? Kyle ranted about how he gave Carl all kinds of chances when he wasn’t hirable, but Danielle said he was so wrong, it was laughable. Kyle said, Danielle was seeing him today, now that he’s put together, and didn’t have a clue as to what goes on. Kyle walked out, saying, he was so sick of it.

Sick of what? Of his own dramatics? Of Danielle being one of the few housemates who doesn’t behave like a teenager having their first drunk night, or like she’s in middle school? I know what I’m sick of. A 40 year old man child who creates drama where there is none, women girls who come just short of passing notes in the hallways and are disrespectful of other women, and maybe most of all, vapid people in general. In other words, a house full of awful people.

Next time… Either I wasn’t paying attention (entirely possible) or they didn’t have a preview (also entirely possible).

📺 Afterwards, there was a rerun of Watch What Happens Live, where Kyle and Mya were the guests. Kyle summed it up neatly when he said, life is too short to be mature. The theme of Summer House. They want to be Animal House, but that bar is way too high.

📻 Flipping It Over To the B Side…

Stop by tomorrow to pick up some soap and whatever namaste is left in New Jersey. Until then, stay safe, stay never taking those close to you for granted, and stay remembering, honesty isn’t a condition; it’s a fundamental.