What I Watched Today

(rambling, random thoughts & annoyingly detailed recaps from real time TV watching)

General Hospital

Sonny says, Nikolas is dead, and Ava killed him? She says, yeah. She killed him.

Willow folds laundry, when Michael says, busted. She says, it was worth it, and he asks if she isn’t supposed to be sleeping. She says she tried, but she couldn’t. She’s too happy to sleep.

On the phone, Sam says she’s glad Molly is getting the rest she needs, when Dante walks in. Sam says, tell Molly that she’ll see her when she gets home tomorrow. And that she loves her. She loves Kristina too. Dante asks, how’s Molly? and Sam says, she’s doing okay. She’s a little banged up, but luckily that’s it. It could have been a lot worse. She was going to check on Molly, but Kristina insists she has everything under control. She’s glad they made up before the accident. (Did I miss something?) He says, she’s a good sister, and she says, what about him? He was supposed to be home two hours ago. He looks wiped. He kisses her and says, after a shower, she’ll recognize him again. She says she’ll grab them a beer and when he comes downstairs, he can remind her of who he is.

Josslyn goes to Dex’s place, and says she knows he told her not to come, but she’s here. Did he really think… She looks around at all the candles burning, and says, if he told her not to come, who exactly was he expecting?

Portia asks what Curtis said, and he says, let me go. Literally, let him go. She says she thinks he’s talking crazy, and she’s not going to let him go. He says, it’s not her decision, it’s his, but she tells him that he doesn’t know what he’s saying right now. He tells her that he knows exactly what he’s saying. He doesn’t want to see her again.

Sonny asks what she did with the body, and she says, they thought he disappeared. Sonny looks over the parapet, but she says, no. He didn’t go into the water. Mason has the dead body. He has the evidence and he’s blackmailing her. If she doesn’t do anything he wants, he’ll expose her. Sonny says, that’s not going to happen.

Ava says she was so mad at Nikolas when he told her that he got Esme pregnant, and Sonny says he punched Nikolas in the face when Nikolas told him. That was his son’s girlfriend. Ava says, Spencer was mad too. When he got the idea to file for custody of Ace, she agreed to help him. Sonny says, by killing his father? but she says, no. Nikolas foolishly recorded a confession, taking responsibility for Esme’s death. Esme went over the turret and obviously survived, but she still had the recording and she gave it to Spencer. Sonny says, so he could blackmail his father, and she says, exactly. When Nikolas found out about it, he went crazy. He came after her and told her that he was going to take Avery away from her. Sonny says, bastard, and she says, it broke her. She lost Kiki, and she won’t lose Avery. She’ll do anything she has to, to protect her. Avery is her life.

Dante comes downstairs and says he loves that Sam is a night owl. She hands him a beer, and he says he loves when she’s lying in bed when he gets home too, but he likes that she’s here waiting for him. Sam says, he flatters himself too much. She wasn’t just worried about Molly. She’s also working on a case. Why is he home so late? He says, her first, and she says, Sasha and Cody of course (🍷). He says he’s been thinking about that too. Cody said Sasha called him Cyrus before she stabbed him, but that doesn’t make any sense. Sam says, now she’s under lock and key at Ferncliff, and he says he has the feeling she has a suspicion as to why that all happened. She says, Gladys. Remember when they ran into them at the hospital? Sasha said she was ready to end her guardianship with Gladys. Sam could tell Gladys wasn’t totally on board with that, and of course (🍷) she denied it, but why was Gladys so hell-bent on getting Cody arrested and sent to prison? And does he think it’s just a coincidence that Gladys sold Brando’s garage to a holding company controlled by Selina Wu?

Dex says, Josslyn caught him. He’ll be here soon. He kisses her, and she says, he? He says, the super. In case she didn’t notice, the power is out in the building. She says, the lights are on in the hall, but he says, auxiliary batteries. First scorching day of the year, and everybody turns their AC on full blast, and the wiring in this old building can’t take it. She asks, how long until the super fixes it? and he says, it usually takes a few hours. She says she kind of likes the candles, and he says, how about the heat? She says she’s sure they can find some way to deal with it, but first, she needs to know what’s going on. He says, the only reason he didn’t want her to come was because of the heat, and she says she hasn’t heard from him in 32 hours 46 minutes and 37 seconds, and he asks if she’s counting the hours. She says, he left her alone at the MetroCourt pool yesterday because Sonny called him. Sonny had a job for him – on his day off – and he said it would be a very safe, simple task. She didn’t hear from him until an hour ago. What’s going on? He says, it was just a surveillance job. It took longer than he expected. She says she knows there’s more. Please tell her. He says he found a dead body tonight.

Michael wonders if this is the kind of excitement Willow had in mind when she married him, but she says, it’s better. What about him? He says, being here together, folding their kids’ laundry, who’d have thought something like this could be so perfect? She says, it was one of the things she thought about when she was waiting for the bone marrow transplant, and Michael and I both say, folding laundry? She says she knows it’s silly, but it was the little things that she may never get to do that kept her up at night. She took comfort in thinking about being with him and their kids, doing the little things. Somehow, it gave her hope. She didn’t want to close her eyes because she thought she may never open them again. But she couldn’t sleep tonight because she knows now that she’s going to live, and she never wants to miss a single moment like this. He takes her hand.

Portia tells Curtis that she thinks this is too much too soon. It’s only his second day of recovery after his surgery, so… He says, this is not about the surgery. This is not about recovery. She says, but he’s asking her to leave him. It just doesn’t make any sense. He says he’s not asking, and she says she’s not leaving. She’s his wife. He says, on paper maybe, but they never consummated the marriage, so an annulment should be no problem. She says she’s not giving him an annulment. She knows he’s hurting right now, but she loves him. Big baby Curtis asks if she loved him when she found out he kissed Jordan, and she tells him, don’t do that please, but he says, no. Did she love him when she couldn’t stand to look at him for weeks on end? When was the last time they even spoke to each other before he became Curtis the victim. And when they did speak, what did they say? She says, they had an issue, yes. She wanted to make sure he didn’t still have feelings for his ex-wife, but when she saw him laying by the pool (that would be lying, but I’ll let it pass), and she thought she might lose him… He says, she thought what? Oh, this poor sucker needs me now? He has news for her – he doesn’t. He doesn’t need her pity.

Sam asks if she’s seeing something that’s not here, and Dante says, it’s not like Gladys is some criminal mastermind. Brando’s garage was sitting there, waiting to be sold. Maybe Selina Wu offered the most money for it. She says, what about when Cody and Spinelli tried to bluff Gladys into changing her witness statement? Spinelli said, Gladys wasn’t budging until Selina Wu stepped in and patched things up. Selina takes Gladys’s side, then she changes her witness statement and drops the charges against Cody? Coincidence? He says, there might be a connection, but does that mean Gladys has anything to do with Sasha stabbing Cody? Unless she’s got some proof. Sam says she doesn’t like Gladys, and he laughs. She says, Gladys just rubs her the wrong way. And before he says it, she knows as a P.I., she should never let her personal feelings get in the way of a case, but she doesn’t like Gladys. She gets the feeling Sonny doesn’t either. Maybe he only tolerates her because of Mike and Brando. He says, now Sasha, and she says, yes. He says, she knows how Sonny is with family, and she says, Dante wasn’t there when Mike went through his worst with Alzheimer’s. It killed Sonny seeing his father suffer that way. So maybe that made him more tolerant of Gladys. Dante says, it’s possible, and she says, on one hand, out of nowhere, Sasha stabs Cody. Then on the other hand, Gladys hates Cody, and tries to get him arrested and sent to prison for stealing a bracelet. Then she forms this relationship with Selina. Sam is desperate to form a connection. He says, she’s not the only one.

Portia says, Curtis told her last night in the ICU that he came to the MetroCourt pool because of something Sam said; that you never get enough time to spend with the ones you love. He told her that he loved her. Curtis says he was on heavy medication. He didn’t think… Never mind. She says, he didn’t think there was a possibility he may never walk again? but he tells her, that’s not what he was going to say. She sits on the bed, and says, he got a devastating prognosis last night. And she had to deliver it to him. She’s had to do that before with other patients, and they all react differently, but some of them react the same way he did; going on the internet, looking at all these worst-case scenarios. It just left them feeling like… He says, why doesn’t she stop telling him how he’s supposed to feel? and she says she’s trying to explain something to him. That he’s not the only spinal surgery patient to react this way, but he couldn’t be more wrong about why she’s here. She doesn’t pity him – he lets out a sigh, which he’s been doing periodically – she’s here because she loves him. He says, just stop, but she says, no, because he feels alone right now, but he’s not alone. She’s right here. Her, him, and Trina, they’re going to face this together. Big baby Curtis says, there is no way in hell that’s happening. Man, he is annoying the crap out of me.

Dex tells Josslyn that he saw this guy at the hospital. He matched the description of a guy who Sonny saw harassing Austin the night before. That might have been who Austin was talking to when Elizabeth caught him outside his office. Dex called Sonny, decided to follow him, and when he got outside, he found the guy’s body in the alley. Josslyn says (in case we didn’t get it the first time), so Sonny had Dex following Austin, then Austin had a meeting with some guy in his office, and a few minutes later, the guy was dead? Dex says, yeah. Isn’t she going to ask him? She says, ask him what? and he says, if I killed him.

Ava tells Sonny, Nikolas was enraged. He was so full of hatred. He said, by giving Spencer that recording, she had taken his baby away from him. She tried to reason with him, but he said he was going to take Avery away from her. He said he was a Cassadine, and there were place he could go where she’d never find Avery. And the last thing he said was, I’m going to tell Avery that you said goodbye. He started to leave, and she had to stop him. Sonny asks how she stopped him, and she says, there was a little statue on the table. Not thinking, she grabbed it, and she hit him. And he fell… and he was… Sonny says, dead. She nods, and he asks if she’s going to tell him how this Mason guy fits in here.

Portia says, Curtis told her that he wanted to know more about Trina. He said he wanted to get to know her better. He said… Curtis says, will she stop telling him about what he said before and listen? Listen to what he’s saying now. He will not be a burden to Trina. In fact, he thinks it’s best if he doesn’t see her again. Oh come on. It’s not like she has to tote him around, and they certainly have enough money to do whatever. Portia gets up and says, their daughter was sitting outside that ICU room for 24 hours straight. She was desperate to hear any word about how her father was doing. Trina broke down when she told Portia that the first words he said after waking up were, where’s my daughter? He has no idea how much that meant to her. She wants to be here. She wants to help him. She wants to support him. He says, parents are supposed to support their children, not the other way around. Just because he’s Trina’s father doesn’t mean she should be stuck nursing a pathetic man in a wheelchair. Portia asks if he knows how many people have suffered the same injury he has. And much worse. Some of them are in a wheelchair, yes. Some of them aren’t so lucky, but their lives are far from pathetic. They know their lives might not be what they’d once been, but they didn’t quit. They didn’t give up on their families. Is that what he’s going to do? If he can’t be the father he wants to be for Trina, then he’s not going to be a father at all?

Ava tells Sonny that she checked to see if Nikolas had a pulse, and just as she realized he didn’t, Austin started banging on the door. Sonny says, she let him in? and she says she tried to get rid of him; he wouldn’t leave. She told him that she had a business call and sent him up here to wait. She went down and got a wheelbarrow and brought Nikolas down to the tack room. She put him in a storage closet there and locked the door. She turned around, and Austin was standing there. He’d seen everything. Sonny asks if that’s when he blackmailed her, but she says, no. He helped her.

Josslyn says, Dex didn’t kill him, and he says he didn’t think she thought so, but… She says, he never would have told her anything if he had, because he wouldn’t want to lie to her. She knows he’s always going to do everything in his power to protect her. He says, everything? and she asks if the body’s still there. He says, no. He called Sonny, and Sonny told him to call the cops. She says, what? and he says he was surprised too. He figured Sonny would tell him to walk away, but Sonny told him to call the cops and tell them what happened. She asks, why? and he says he’s not sure. Maybe because it was right outside GH, and Sonny thought the surveillance cameras caught him. Maybe he wanted the body found for some reason? Either way, Dex is sure Sonny didn’t think the cop that would show up would be his son. She asks if Dante hassled him, and he says, Dante questioned him, and he told him exactly what Sonny wanted him to say. She asks if Dante thought Dex killed this guy. He’s the one who called it in. Dex says, he was just doing his job. But Dante knows he works for Sonny, and if any of Sonny’s guys had called it in, Dante would have been suspicious. He’s also very protective of Josslyn. She says she gets that, but she doesn’t need his protection. He says, Dante loves his father, but he knows a lot of what Sonny does, what he does, isn’t exactly legal. Dante’s just worried he’ll drag her into it somehow. Josslyn says, nothing and nobody is ever going to come between them, and they kiss.

Willow says, Michael helped her so much. His love was so important. Doctors talk about patients having the will to live. That’s what he and the kids gave her. He says, she fought so hard, and she says, because of him, and Wiley and Amelia. And because she was so determined to have moments like this. Deep down, she knew she might not win that battle, but she also knew that if she didn’t, Wiley and Amelia would be okay, because they had him; a father who would love them, put them first, and protect them. He says, when she wanted to talk about a future without her, he had to make himself say the things she wanted to hear. She says she remembers it was hard for him, and he says, they had to talk it through. She was weak and he had to reassure her, but never in his heart did he accept losing her. Maybe it was denial or clinging to hope, but he couldn’t imagine life without her. Now he doesn’t have to. She says, so he’s basically saying he was right all along, and he says he usually is, kissing her.

Sam asks why Dante was home late, and he says, someone reported a dead body in the alley outside GH. She says, any witnesses? and he says, one. He was sort of cooperative; he had a pretty convincing story. She says, story? Sounds like he’s not convinced. Does he know the guy? He says, Dex Heller. One of Sonny’s guys finds a dead body in the alleyway, who does she think his first call is to? She says, Sonny, and he says, right. And what does Sonny probably tell him? To walk away, right? But instead, Sonny told him to call the cops. Why would he do that? She asks if there was an ID on the body, and he says, yeah, but that’s on a need-to-know basis. She says, okay. So this on top of Cody getting stabbed. She thinks maybe they need a little distraction. I need a little distraction from the squeaky sounds their couch is making as they move around on it, and start getting busy. There’s a knock at the door, and Sam says, go away, but it’s persistent. Dante gets up, and opens the door to Cody, who says, what’s going on? Then falls inside.

Wiley is concerned that if Willow goes to his baseball game, it’s dirty and some of the kids will have germs. He doesn’t want her to get sick again. Michael says he’s amazing to be so concerned about his mom, but she’s getting stronger by the day. Willow says, the doctor told her that her immune system is getting stronger too. That’s what fights off the nasty germs. So she might not be able to come to his game next week or the week after, but she’ll definitely be there before the season’s over. Wiley says, then he’ll have his dad and his mom there, and Michael says, he sure will, but right now it’s very getting late. So finish his cookie, and then he has to go back to bed. Wiley says, it isn’t fair. Why does he have to sleep when everyone else is awake? Michael says, Amelia is asleep. Amelia starts to cry, Wiley says, uh-oh, and Willow laughs.

Curtis says, Portia is Trina’s mom. She shouldn’t want Trina tied down with him either. She’s a young woman in college. Portia should be encouraging her to get out there and live her life. She says, he can still be a part of Trina’s life. He’s still here. He says he can’t move his legs. He doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to walk again. He’s not the man she fell in love with, and he’s damn sure not the man who saved Trina from Victor Cassadine. And he can’t be anything less. She says, it’s just going to be different, that’s all, and he says, how? Pity? Consolation? Support? He doesn’t want any of that, least of all from his daughter. She says, they just want to be here for him, and he says he’s the one who’s living this. If she really wants to help, she’ll walk out the door and not come back.

Just a thought, but he would always be less than the man who saved Trina from Victor Cassadine. It’s not like it was going to happen again. Well, on a soap, it might, but you know what I mean. Curtis is just being a big baby, and it’s driving me nuts.

Sonny asks why Austin would want to help Ava, and she says, he tried to get her to call the cops. She convinced him that they’d never believe her; everybody knew how angry she was at Nikolas. He says, that’s for sure, and she says, after a while, Austin agreed to keep quiet, and they decided to leave Nikolas in the storage closet and decide what to do later. Then so much happened. Laura showed up here looking for Nikolas, and Ava realized she had to find a way to convince everybody he’d left town. Then she had to go to go to Portia’s wedding. She couldn’t afford to raise suspicions at all. He says, and all the while, Nikolas’s body is in the storage closet, and she says, yeah. She and Austin agreed to meet after the wedding. They decided they’d bury Nikolas in the Pine Barrens. It’s the safest place. That was the night Ryan and Heather showed up, and all hell broke loose. Austin was hooked and she shot Ryan, and Esme gave birth to Nikolas’s baby, and Heather… He says he gets it. It was a complicated night. She says, it certainly was, and then the cops came, swarming the island, looking for clues as to exactly what happened. it wasn’t long before they started to search the tack room. He says, and they found a locked storage closet, and she says she and Austin were there; they were jumping out of their skins. She tried to stall them. She told them she didn’t have a key. That wasn’t a problem for Dante though; he pried the door open with a crowbar. He says, and no Nikolas, and she says, at first she thought she didn’t kill him after all. Then a few minutes later, Mason started toying with them. He said he’d followed them out to the island that night, and he’d seen everything. Sonny says, and he took Nikolas’s body, and she says, with her DNA all over it. He’s been blackmailing her ever since. Sonny says, to spy on him.

Dante helps Cody to the sofa, and Sam asks what he’s doing out of the hospital. Cody says he checked himself out, and Dante says, they’re going to check him back in. Sam says she’s calling GH, but Cody says, no doctors, no hospital. Dante says, Cody is in rough shape, but Cody says he’s okay. He just overdid it a little. Sam says, they’re taking him back to GH, and he says he was in the hospital after Sasha stabbed him. If he goes back, it will just be worse for her, and she didn’t mean to hurt him. Sam said it herself; none of this makes any sense. Sam leaves to get the first aid kit, and Dante asks if Cody is sure he knows what he’s doing.

Amelia on her knee, Willow says she loves Wiley’s daddy so much, that’s how she knew she had to come home. She’s not going anywhere, so he has no reason to be afraid now. He asks if he can stay up all night, and Michael says, he can stay up as long as Amelia does. He tells Amelia, stay awake.

Cody’s wound is rebandaged, and he says he’s not going back to the hospital. Dante says, he has to understand something. Sasha’s already in Ferncliff for what she did to him. Him dying will make it worse for her, so maybe leaving the hospital wasn’t the greatest move. Cody says he knows. He just thought… He doesn’t know what he thought. None of this makes any sense. Sam says she doesn’t disagree with Cody, but Sasha stabbed him in front of a lot of witnesses. Her being at Ferncliff is what’s best for her and everyone else. Cody says, she doesn’t belong there, and Dante says, if that’s the case, they’ll figure that out. Oh yeah, sure they will. The same place that mistook Doc for Ryan for years. Cody says, Sasha was doing so well. She was getting stronger, then all of a sudden, out of nowhere… Sam says, Sasha is fragile, but Cody says, she isn’t fragile. She was doing so well, and it happened out of nowhere. He would bet everything he has that this has something to do with Gladys. Dante says, nothing is going to get solved tonight, and Cody needs to rest up. Cody says, he’s right. He’s sorry for crashing in on them. He’ll call a car to take him back to the Q’s. Dante and Sam make some faces at each other, and Sam rolls her eyes and goes upstairs.

Dex and Josslyn feed each other fruit (?), and she says, he still looks pretty hot. She rubs an ice cube on his chest and says, this better? He says, getting better and better. She looks hot too. He slides an ice cube up her arm to her neck and kisses her. They get busy. I’m finding this more awkwardly forced than romantic. Is this from the non-union writers?

Sonny gives Ava a martini, and she thanks him. He says he thinks she earned it. She’s been through hell. She says, it’s still there. She told him, Mason wants all the information he can get on Sonny and this Pikeman company. She told Mason that she couldn’t come up with anything, and that’s when he came up with the idea to replace Avery’s nanny with Betty. Betty said if Ava didn’t cooperate, they’d hurt her mother. She thinks they already have her. He says, nothing’s going to happen to Delia, but she says she doesn’t know if it’s going to be that easy. She knows Sonny is powerful, but Mason is genuinely afraid of these people that he works for, so they’ve got to be pretty powerful too. He says, don’t worry about it, and she says, okay, but remember the part where Mason has Nikolas’s body. She doesn’t want anything to happen to her mother, but she doesn’t want to go to prison. He says, she’s not going to prison. Her mother’s going to be safe. He’s going to take care of everything. He promises. I want a Sonny.

Curtis asks if Portia knows what he’s been thinking about the last 24 hours he’s been stuck in this bed. She says, please don’t do it, but he says he’s been thinking about what his life would have been like today if it weren’t for her lies. Even if he were stuck in a wheelchair, he would have known his daughter for twenty years now. Twenty years she took from him. She says she’s sorry. She explained to him… He says, sorry doesn’t matter now. Those years are gone because of her. He can never have them back. (I’m thinking, well, you’ve got plenty of time to catch up now…) Right now, he doesn’t give a good damn whether she wants to stay with him out of guilt, pity, or because she wants the insurance money – it ain’t happening. He doesn’t trust her. He doesn’t know her. And he doesn’t want her. Get out. He yells that he said get out, and she leaves.

Willow and Wiley are asleep on the sofa, and Michael asks if Amelia finds this memo as fascinating as he does. It’s the last one and he promises they’ll go off to Dreamland just like those two. Her mother and brother are pretty amazing. So is she. Her dad just happens to be the luckiest guy in the world.

Cody sleeps on the sofa, and Sam and Dante turn out the lights. In the hallway, Dante says he’s sorry he has a friend who thinks he can show up at any time. She tells him, stop it. Cody’s lucky to have a friend like him. Dante says, he has bad timing, and Sam says she thinks he’s going to sleep well tonight. They kiss, and she says, there’s no reason why they can’t pick up where they left off. He says, that’s the second best idea yet, picks her up, and carries her upstairs.

Dex and Josslyn get busy in bed as the candles burn down. Hey, where’s that super?

Ava leans against the parapet and remembers Sonny saying he’s going to take care of everything. He promises. She says she hopes he means that.

In his car on the phone, Sonny says he needs them to find somebody for him… Dead? Sure. Alive would be better.

Tomorrow, Curtis asks someone for a favor; Sam asks how Molly would feel if she never had kids; Felicia asks, what on earth is going on in here; Carly tells Nina that she’s going to get back every single thing she’s lost; and at Ferncliff, Sasha calls out, asking if anyone can hear her.

👨‍❤️‍👨 Still Going Strong…

I liked his Nikolas better than the other Nikolases. Nikoli? The part really suited him.

💌 Passing It On…

It’s amazing how he’s used his illness to help others, both on the show and off.

The Real Nightmare Housewives of Orange County

I saw Emily on Watch What Happens Live just before I watched this, and I dunno. She’s super thin, and claims she just used Ozempic to give her a jump start, then worked her ass off in the gym and changed her diet. She looks good, but doesn’t look like herself. The weird part is, I’d just been thinking how pretty she looks and how much like a Disney princess with those hairbands. Not anymore. She’s too slinky to be a Disney princess.

Shane gets his nose hairs waxed, and I can’t watch. Emily’s hoping everyone has a great time and relaxes at her pool party, and asks, how you can be fighting when there’s an adult Slip N Slide? Where there’s a Tamra, there’s a way. Jenn brings son Greyson to meet Taylor and her daughters Kennedy and Alexis for some boardwalk fun. In Jenn’s interview, she says, Taylor feels like they’re long lost sisters from Oklahoma. They take a ferry to the boardwalk action, and have corndogs. I think about the corndog I’m planning on eating at this year’s county fair. Taylor passes on the corndog because of her cotton candy reputation. She can just imagine. Shannon joins them.

Tamra meets Fancy Pants Heather for coffee, and wears camo pants I could live without. Fancy Pants says she felt like she was on an apology tour when they were at dinner, and Tamra says, the Jenn thing is fuzzy. Jenn assumes the stories Tamra is getting about Ryan are from a non-Fancy Pants Heather, who claims she and Ryan were just friends prior to Jenn hooking up with him. Tamra has some stupid idea about getting them together and the three of them being friends like they used to be. Jenn says, Tamra’s airing of her past dirty laundry is causing problems in her relationship, and Shannon identifies with the others discussing a relationship they’re not a part of. We flash back to various discussions about John.

Gina and Travis meet Matt and his new girlfriend, along with the kids, and in her interview, Gina says she loves having a big, blended family. The whole thing is pretty boring, as she goes blah-blah-blah about how she helped Matt since it was best for the family. She says, it wasn’t about making it go away, but learning to live with it.

Emily and Tamra meet for drinks, and I still don’t understand why Emily didn’t make a break for it while she could, since she’s now been replaced by a thinner, more swanky clone. Emily asks if Tamra’s relationship with Shannon is the same as it used to be, and Tamra says, it’s getting there. Emily tells Tamra that Fancy Pants was talking about Shannon’s relationship, and Tamra says, it makes her feel like Fancy Pants isn’t a good friend, and Shannon needs to know. Emily asks Tamra not to throw her under the bus, which is probably like waving a red flag in front of a bull.

Ryan seems supportive… The pool party commences, and Taylor suggests Jenn might like to be in a relationship without everyone else’s input. In Fancy Pants’ interview, she says she loves that Emily is assertive, but it’s off-putting when she shifts to being aggressive. Since Emily doesn’t mean it, she can get past it – usually. Like Fancy Pants has never been for real aggressive. Cue the video of her kicking everyone out of her house and pushing people aside before the entrée was even served. Jenn, dressed like she’s going to a funeral complete with hat and veil, is skeptical about being at a party with Tamra, but in Emily’s interview, she says, Tamra was drunk, and they’ve all been there. We flash back to each of them drunk to the point of more stupidity than usual. Emily not quite admits that she and Shane made sex tapes, and in Fancy Pants’ interview she said she doesn’t even like seeing herself on sitcoms.

Other Heather and Jenn have a sit down. Heather says, Jenn threatened her and was assuming she was the source of the Ryan gossip. We flash back to Tamra relaying everything to Jenn, saying, Heather told her, and Heather says, Jenn plays dumb. No surprise, the others discuss them as they watch from a distance, and Fancy Pants gives a report. In Tamra’s interview, she says, the whole reason she brought non-Fancy Pants Heather is because she wanted the three of them to talk it out. I’m not sure who she thinks she’s kidding. Nobody ever talks anything out on this show. They pretend to sometimes, but then it’s back on the merry-go-round. Heather tells Jenn that if she found out her man did what Ryan did, her heart would be broken, and in Jenn’s interview, she says, it’s not like it’s a Nancy Drew mystery, where she’s getting new information. Heather asks where her feelings are, when Shannon inserts herself, saying maybe Jenn wants to keep things between her and Ryan. (The nerve!) Emily comes by to check in, presumably as hostess, but come on. Other Heather says, Jenn isn’t standing up for herself and she loves Jenn. At this point, everyone is squeezed in there, and on the side, Taylor says she feels like she’s married to Ryan and she’s sick of him. Tamra tells Jenn that she overdrank, and apologizes. She says she just wants Jenn to be honest and strong. Jenn says she and Ryan didn’t know where things were going to end up, and they were taking some time. However, her idea of taking time wasn’t taking time with other people. What she didn’t need though, was everyone bringing it up again. In her interview, she says, the cycle is repeating itself. A Slip N Slide came out, along with a champagne gun.

This was so stupid I can’t even. The water got disgusting pretty quickly, and in Emily’s interview, she says, everyone in Orange County has a spray tan, and every pool party has brown water. Blech. Jenn makes an early exit, and in her interview, she says she’s exhausted. She can’t fake it as well as some of these people. Fancy Pants puts on a wetsuit to use the slide so her body doesn’t touch the ick. In her interview, Emily says, she’d envisioned a pool party with hot friends in bikinis. What she got was Shannon in Spanx, and Fancy Pants looking like a whale trainer at SeaWorld. It’s not Girls Gone Wild. It’s not even Cougars Gone Wild. It’s not even Grannies Gone Wild. It’s Nobody’s Gone Wild.

Jenn and Ryan go to a healer/therapist where the healer makes weird ohm-ish sounds. Their eyes are closed, but Ryan looks like he’s going to laugh, and I can’t blame him. Gina confesses in her interview that she buys jarred sauce, and tells Travis that she got approved to take the real estate exam. She’s going to shadow some agents in the meantime. In Gina’s interview, she says, passing her first exam was a confidence boost. Travis asks if she’s happy that her life took a turn, and she tells him that quitting drinking played a huge part in her processing the trauma she’d gone through. It scares her to think of being stuck in her former life because she’s so happy. Travis says, it’s a real fresh start.

Tamra and Shannon meet with Vicki for drinks and food (mostly drinks), and Vicki, who’s dating new man Michael, actually looks pretty good. Tamra was also on WWHL tonight, and she and Emily agreed that they thought Vicki would be back on the show. I don’t know if they had some inside knowledge or they were just throwing it out there, but Andy didn’t disagree. Shannon says, the tres amigas are back, and in Shannon’s interview, she says, it’s elevated to crazy fun when she gets together with Tamra and Vicki. They tequila up, and we flash back to all the shots they’ve ever had together. At least it felt that way. Shannon says she had a rocky year with Fancy Pants, but now it was better, and Tamra wonders if Fancy Pants can be trusted. Shannon says she believes Heather has a vault, but Tamra thinks otherwise. It gets confusing here, because out of the blue, Shannon tells Tamra, don’t bring it up. She and Tamra leave the table, and Shannon tells Tamra that her relationship is over if whatever-it-is is aired. Okay, they got my attention, but then…  

To be continued…

🍊 Going Deeper…

Although, how deep can it really get? This clarifies the end a little more, but not really.

https://people.com/real-housewives-of-orange-county-shannon-storms-beador-says-heather-dubrow-will-destroy-relationship-while-tamra-judge-apologies-fall-short-7566002

🍸 VanderStrange…

Lala dishes on the upcoming season.

https://people.com/lala-kent-calls-vanderpump-rules-season-11-strangest-yet-teases-twist-7566114

🚣‍♀️ With Help Like That…

This is actually a pretty fun show. They keep calling Sonja and LuAnn celebrities, so I guess they don’t get out much.

https://www.salon.com/2023/07/22/luann-and-sonja-welcome-to-crappie-lake-an-indicator-of-just-how-little-class-money-can-buy/

🐩 I Wouldn’t Normally…

While I’m not a fan of all those K’s, this pup definitely gets a heart-eyes emoji from me.

https://people.com/kim-kardashian-dog-sushi-wears-fluffy-pink-sweater-photo-7564510

🐵 Congratulations, Sully…

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. And sometimes… well, this happens.

https://people.com/shock-twist-at-columbus-zoo-as-male-gorilla-gives-birth-to-baby-girl-7564204

🏰 Best and Final…

Make a return trip tomorrow for soap and teatime. Until then, stay safe, stay not occupying more space than you need on public transport, and stay not going on the internet and looking at worst case scenarios if you’ve gotten a devastating prognosis. Or probably any prognosis.