What I Watched Today

(rambling, random thoughts & annoyingly detailed recaps from real time TV watching)

General Hospital

Someone falls down the stairs. We see it’s Peter, with blood pooling around his head. Next to him are new passports for him and Maxie.

Five hours earlier. Chloe drives with an unconscious Maxie in the passenger seat. She says if her car needs new suspension, she’s making Peter pay for it. These country roads are the worst. At least Maxie gets to sleep through it. By the time that sedative wears off, they’ll be at the house. They just need Peter to join them.

Brook calls Maxie, and gets voicemail. She says she’s calling from the burner phone, per Maxie’s orders. She’s heading out; she just has to get rid of Yuri. Valentin walks in, and asks how Brook feels, and she says, good. The new crib came; it’s in the nursery. He says he’s looking forward to seeing it. Since they’ll be meeting their baby soon, he knows it can be taxing. She says, that’s one word for it, and he says, it will be worth it. Everything is coming together. She says, it sure is.

Michael and Willow walk in the house with Chase, and Willow says, home, sweet home. Chase says, only until he’s better, and she says, however long it takes. Chase asks if they mind if he sits down. He knows he just got out of the car, but… Michael says, sure, and leads him into the living room. Brook asks what Chase is doing there, and he says he just got out of the hospital. She suggests he get a room at the psyche ward, so they can help if he has a relapse. He says he’d planned on going home, but Michael was kind enough to let him stay there. Brook says, what a great idea, not meaning it at all.

Eli grabs Nina, and she says he really wants to let her go, but he says it doesn’t matter what either one of them wants anymore. She asks what he’s going to do. This is a public park, and unless he wants to get arrested for assault… He says it’s pretty quiet there, and she says, it’s going to get louder once one of them starts screaming. He says, that’s not necessary – for now. All he wants to do is talk. What is really going on between her and Mike? And why do they want to get in his way?

Brando aims the gun at Gladys, who shrinks from him, then suddenly turns it on Cyrus. He shoots, but the gun just clicks, and Cyrus says, performance issues?

Ava goes to the reception desk at the hospital, and asks if Cyrus is in. She just checked his office, but his assistant isn’t at her desk. The nurse says, he’s gone for the day, and asks if Ava would like for her to message him. Ava says, that’s okay. She’ll catch up with him another time. Nikolas comes along and asks what she’s doing there. She stammers a little, and says she’s there to deal with some paperwork; Avery’s physical is coming up. He says, right. Or, she came there to see Cyrus, didn’t she?

Two of Cyrus’s guys come in, and Cyrus points his gun at Brando. He says, in case Brando was wondering, this one is loaded. He heard Brando was Sonny’s plant from the start. He gave Brando chance after chance to choose the winning side, but he didn’t. He regrets to inform Brando that he failed his final test.

On the phone, Carly asks if Trent has his men in place… Okay, stand by. They have to wait for Spinelli to get eyes in the warehouse. They need to know what they’re walking in on. She prays to God they get Gladys out in one piece.

Britt tells Jason, he doesn’t have to, and he asks if she wants to. She kisses him, and they move to getting busy. She says she forgot that he’s hurt, but he says, it’s fine. She asks if he’s sure, and he says he is. There’s a song part, and they get busier.  

Willow asks if Chase is sure he doesn’t want to go straight to his room, and he says he thinks he can make it in a minute. She suggests she get his pain meds; it will make the trip upstairs easier. She leaves, and Chase thanks Michael for letting him stay there, saying, it’s very generous of him. Michael says, it’s their pleasure, and gets Chase some water. He tells Chase just not to expect peace and quiet around there, and Chase says he knows Michael’s family can be a bit contentious. Michael says, that’s a good word. Chase says he’s sorry to impose, but glad he’s there, for Willow’s sake. Michael asks, why is that? and Chase says he feels bad about all the time she spent with him at the hospital. She must have wanted to be there.

Nina asks if Eli wants to know who Mike is, and he says he wants to know who Mike is to her. She says other than Mike being one of Phyllis’s strays, as Phyllis likes to call him, she doesn’t know anything about Mike. Except for the firehouse dance, she doesn’t think she’s seen him outside of the bar. Eli says he’s not buying it. He thought she was a nice lady, classy, but she was never real with him. She broke into his office and stole information that she had no right to see, let alone take. She says, maybe she did. Maybe she was just looking for her lost earring, but it doesn’t matter now. She tells him to listen to her. That information is out there now, and neither she nor Mike are going to allow him to take the Tan-O from Lenny and Phyllis. He asks how she’s going to stop him, and she says, right now, Mike is giving a copy of the bank statement to the police. That was the plan all along. She was going to go out with Eli, and keep him busy, and Mike was going to drive the last nail into Eli’s coffin. Eli yells, damn you! She’s ruined his life.

Nikolas says he doesn’t know what’s worse; Ava coming to see Cyrus alone, or coming to see Cyrus at all. She says, please. And what is he doing there? He says he was there for Cassadine Industries, and she laughs, saying, stop it. She knows he came there to see Cyrus too, after they agreed to handle him together, as a team. He says she did the exact same thing, so don’t pretend she’s taking the moral high ground. She supposes they have to get used to this teamwork stuff, and he says, apparently. Why did she come without him? She says she thought if she came alone, Cyrus would be more receptive to believe she’s on his side in all of this. What about him? He says, similar. Olive branch, say he wanted to work with Cyrus, provide a front for his business, and make a lot of money. She says, okay, and holds out her hand, saying, they’re going to make a deal then; they work together. They shake hands, and he says, like they did with Ryan? and she says, hopefully better than that. They decided to let Ryan live, and now he’s sending her creepy gifts. He says, they can’t make the same mistake with Cyrus, and she says, no. They have to take Cyrus out for good.

Carly’s phone rings, and she asks Spinelli, what’s going on? At the warehouse, Spinelli says he’s trying to get the lay of the land. He successfully set up a fiber optic camera in a vent. She asks what he sees, and he says, nothing yet, but he does have audio. She asks if he hears Gladys, and he says, not yet, but he hears someone. He listens, and says, is it Brando?

Brando says he was willing to take Cyrus’s orders, up until the time Cyrus asked him to kill his own mother. Cyrus says, yet here she is, still breathing, which means Brando’s loyalty has limits. Brando says, in his position, Cyrus would have done the same thing, and Cyrus admits he would have. Unfortunately for Brando, Cyrus is a big believer in double standards. He’s afraid neither Brando nor his mother are going to leave this warehouse alive. Gladys gives a muffled, no, and Brando says, please. Let him say goodbye to his mom. Cyrus says, make it quick, and Brando squats down and takes her hands. He says he knows they haven’t always seen eye to eye, but he loves her. Through the duct tape, she says she loves him too, and Cyrus says, time’s up. Brando slowly gets up, and turns, and one of Cyrus’s guys yells, get down! Everyone scrambles, and Trent’s men come in. A shootout begins.

Britt and Jason continue being busy, and there’s more music.

Michael says he’s sure Willow doesn’t regret any of the time she spent with Chase at the hospital, and Chase says he’s sure she’d deny it, but how could she not? She was there day after day, holding his hand, listening to him whine, and mutter deliriously. All that time, she could have been here with Wiley. Michael says he can assure Chase that Wiley wasn’t neglected in any way, and Willow didn’t want to be there. Chase says he knows, but now it will be easier on Willow, with all of them in one place. Willow comes back in.

Nina struggles with Eli, and says he’s sorry, but she brought this on herself. She kept pushing him and pushing him. She tells him to listen to her, but he doesn’t, and Sonny comes up behind him, hitting him in the head with a hefty branch. Eli goes down, and Sonny asks if Nina is okay. She falls into his arms.

Carly asks if Spinelli is okay, and he peeks out from behind a crate. He says he’s uninjured for the moment; the shooting seems to have stopped. She says she has to know what’s going on in the warehouse, and he hopes his camera isn’t a casualty. He opens his laptop.

Trent calls to Brando that it’s all clear. Carly sent them to get him and his mother out of there. Brando brings Gladys out, but she’s been shot in the shoulder. He takes the duct tape off of her mouth, while Trent undoes her wrists. Brando fashions something out of his tie for her shoulder, and Trent says, when she stabilizes they’ll be taken to a safe house. Brando says, there’s no time. They have to get her to a hospital. Brando picks up Gladys, and carries her out, while Trent follows with his guys.

Brook asks Michael if he’s for real. Chase is staying here? He says he ran it by Monica, but she says, Monica’s not the problem. She’s letting Valentin, and Charlotte, and that Ukrainian mountain man stay here. He asks, what is the problem? He thought she liked Chase. She says, of course (🍷) she does; it’s impossible not to like Chase. It’s just that this is a disaster waiting to happen. Chase is still a detective. Michael says, so? and she says, detectives notice things, like gestures and behaviors, and longing, yearning, aching looks. It’s just a matter of time before Chase catches on that Michael and Willow are in love.

Maxie wakes up on a couch, and asks where she is. Chloe comes in, and she asks where they are. This is definitely not the spa where she made a reservation. Chloe says, sorry. There won’t be any pampering for Maxie tonight. Maxie asks if Chloe drugged her, and Chloe says, mm-hmm. This is where little Louise will be born… tonight.

Carly says they need to know what’s happening on the ground, and Spinelli says, alas, the camera was indeed damaged, but he still has audio. He listens, and says, they’ve triumphed. Cyrus’s men have been routed. (I had to look this up. It means defeated.) She asks, what about Cyrus? but he says he doesn’t hear Cyrus’s voice. He asks if Trent reads him, and listens. He tells Carly, according to Trent, Gladys has been shot and Brando is taking her to the hospital. She says she’s on her way, and tells him, get out of there now. He says, like the wind, and closes his laptop. He gets up, and sees someone. He says, greetings and salutations.

Police mill around the park, and Nina tells Finchley that Sonny knocked Cyrus out before he could really hurt her. He’s glad she’s okay, and asks if she’s telling him these documents will connect Eli to the robberies in Corinth. She says, and around Nixon Falls, and he says, and Eli just happened to be carrying incriminating printouts of illicit activity on his person? She says she certainly hasn’t seen them before… She watches Sonny gesturing behind Finchley, and says, they fell out of Eli’s pockets. She picked them up, and gave them back to Eli, and that’s when he got so desperate, because there was no way out. Finchley says, right. Their forensic accountant will look at them. Nina says she’s sure they’ll verify what she just said. She and Mike were looking at the papers just before he came. Finchley says, so Mike handled the documents too? and Sonny says, yeah, when Nina showed them to him. Finchley says they can go over the details at the station. Mike is still under suspicion for breaking and entering Eli’s office, so Mike is going to have to come with him.

Michael tells Brook, he and Willow are just friends, and Wiley’s parents; that’s all. She says, okay, but just in case she’s right, be careful. He thanks her for her concern, but says he’s got this. She says she’s hoping against hope that he does.

Willow asks if Chase is feeling any better, and he says, just being out of the hospital makes him feel better. She tells him to remember what his brother his father the doctor said; take it easy, and don’t push himself. He says, copy that, and takes her hand, saying, actually, she’s the one he’s worried about.

Valentin comes downstairs, and Brook asks if he checked out the crib. He says, not yet. He was halfway out the door when he realized he left some important documents upstairs. He thinks the imminent arrival of their child has him distracted. She asks where he’s going, and he says she was in the room when he told Cook that he’d be dining out. She asks why he and Charlotte get along with Cook; it’s weird. He says, they speak the same language, and she says the language of pure evil? He says, there are those who call it French, and she says, quel fromage (what cheese). He says, who doesn’t like cheese? I say, nobody, and he tells Brook, au revoir. He leaves, and she says, time to get going. She just has to get rid of her shadow.

Maxie says, she’s not giving birth until next week, but Chloe says Peter is moving up the timeline. Maxie says he didn’t tell her, and Chloe says he didn’t think she needed to know. Maxie says, excuse me? and Chloe says it was her job to get Maxie there. Peter will join them soon, but for now, she’s going to induce labor. She prepares a syringe, and Maxie says, no. She can’t give birth there; she has to be in a hospital. Chloe says they have everything they need there. Even an incubator upstairs in case the baby needs oxygen. It’s all under control. Maxie says, is it? That’s just great. She starts yelling for help.

Jason and Britt bask in the afterglow, and Jason kisses Britt’s forehead. She removes herself from his arms, and he asks if she’s okay. She says she’s fine. It was just unexpected – not in a bad way. It was just not how she thought this day would end. Is his side okay; is it bothering him? He says it’s fine, and she says, right. Well, okay, that happened, and they’re both okay with that, and… thanks.  

Brando carries Glady’s into the hospital and yell for help. Portia asks, what happened? and he says, she was shot. Only once as far as he can tell. Portia asks her name, and Brando says, Gladys Corbin; she’s his mom. Portia tells him, keep her steady, and nurses bring over a gurney. Brando places Gladys on it, and Portia tells her that she’s at General Hospital. They’re going to take good care of her. She tells a nurse to keep pressure on the wound, and take Gladys to a cubicle. Gladys is whisked off, and Portia tells Brando to wait there. Ava and Nikolas come along, and Ava asks what happened? Brando says his mom was shot. Cyrus was holding her… Ava says, Cyrus shot Brando’s mother? but he says he doesn’t know who shot her. There was gunfire, and Cyrus had kidnapped her. Nikolas asks if Brando can tell them why, and Brando says, because Cyrus found out Gladys changed her mind. She was trying to protect him, because Cyrus was going to… He has to find Sasha right now. Brando pulls out his phone, and jets.

Sonny says, you know what, Trooper… and Nina runs over to them. She asks if this is really necessary. Obviously, Eli is accusing Mike because they found out what he’s up to. Finchley says they can sort all that out at the station, and Sonny asks if there’s any evidence that he broke into Eli’s office. Finchley says, not yet, and Nina says, so, no, and Finchley guesses they’re free to go. Sonny tells Finchley, look on the bright side. At least he’s got those bank statements. He’s no lawyer, but remembers an awful lot about the law, he thinks it’s probably cause to look into Eli’s finances. Finchley says he’ll need them both at the station tomorrow to give their official statements. He leaves, and Nina squeals, we did it! and throws her arms around Sonny, who hugs her back.

Carly strides into the hospital, and picks up speed when she sees Brando. He says, Sasha’s not picking up, but Carly says, it’s okay; she took care of it. Ever since his mom agreed to speak to the DA, she had one of her guys protecting Sasha. Nice of her to let him know. He thanks her, and she asks, how’s Gladys? but he says he doesn’t know. Brando leaves, presumably to get information, and Nikolas tells Carly that he and Ava were there when Brando brought Gladys in. Ava says, Portia told them that she’ll be out as soon as they know anything. Carly says, thanks, and Ava asks, what happened? Carly says, Cyrus tried to kill Gladys because she could testify against him. He used her to frame Jason.

Jason gets dressed, and Britt says, she was thinking, they can’t stay in the Canadian wilderness forever, no matter how much they like the scenery. They’ll eventually have to deal with Peter, so Maxie and Louise don’t have to look over their shoulders for the rest of their lives. He says she’s right, and she says she was expecting an argument. Okay, great. He says, now that he’s had time to recover, he can act instead of just react. Britt says, we; we can act. She’s his accomplice, remember? He says she’s done enough.

Maxie continues to yell for help, but Chloe says she has to save her strength for labor. All this screaming isn’t going to do the baby any good. She walks over to Maxie with a syringe, and says, besides, ever since the mine closed down, there’s really no one around to hear her or help her. Except Chloe. Maxie says, lucky her, and Chloe tells her, don’t worry. As soon as little Louise is born, Peter will come to take Maxie away. Maxie says, away where? and Chloe says she doesn’t know, but she’s definitely going in style. Peter booked a helicopter to come pick her up. Relax. She put the kettle on for some tea. Does Maxie want some? Maxie says, Chloe – if in fact that’s her real name. She doesn’t know what Peter told her, but it’s a lie. He’s a killer; he’s dangerous. Chloe says he told her Maxie might say something like that, and Maxie says here’s something he didn’t tell Chloe. You know what Peter doesn’t like? Witnesses. He hires people to do his dirty work, and then eliminates them. Chloe says Maxie is desperate enough to say anything, and Maxie says, whatever Peter is paying her, she won’t be alive long enough to spend it. Chloe says, chamomile or peppermint?

Willow asks why Chase would be worried about her, and Chase says, as much as he appreciates all the time she’s spent with him, on top of her nursing classes, he’s worried she’s going to run herself ragged. She says, all he has to worry about is getting better. She’s just fine.

Brook holds some screws in her hand, and yells for Yuri, telling him, come quick. He comes into the foyer, and she says, thank God he’s there. They’re trying to kill her baby. He asks, who? and she shows him some screws, saying she found them under the crib. Then she checked the crib; it’s super rickety. He says, what is super rick…? and she says, it’s loose… shaky… It’s bad. He says, oh, bad, and she says she’s convinced the delivery guy set it up wrong, and it’s going to collapse the moment she puts her precious baby in it. He says, not sweet baby, and she asks if he’ll please fix it. He says, for her, he fixes, and takes the screws. She thanks him, and says, for a guy who could kill someone with his thumb, he’s such a sweetheart. As soon as Yuri is out of sight, Brook grabs her overnight bag, and dashes to the door. She opens it, and Valentin is there. She says she thought he left, and he says he did. He was pulling out of the driveway, and realized he had Charlotte’s science book in his car. Are they going somewhere?

Britt says, not what you want to hear from a guy you just slept with; you’ve done enough. He says that’s not what he meant, and she says, really? So he’s planning on abandoning her in the Great White North after pity sex? He says, first of all, he doesn’t pity her, and she says, thanks, but she wasn’t referring to herself. Face it. She’s way out of his league, and everyone can see that. He asks if she’s finished, but she says, no. Just because she has the genetic marker for Huntington’s, doesn’t mean she’s useless. Not yet anyway. He says he doesn’t think… and she says, doesn’t think what? That she’s useless? Then why does he want to leave her?

Nikolas says, Gladys can testify that Cyrus committed criminal offenses that can put him away? and Carly says, yes. Ava suggests they not count their chickens; it is Cyrus they’re talking about. Carly says she can’t get into it right now. She thanks them for staying with Brando, and says they can go now. She goes over to Brando, and Nikolas says there’s no way he’s leaving now. Ava? She says, nope. No way in hell.

Brook says, if Valentin must know, she’s going to visit her girlfriend Cecilia. She’s throwing Brook one last girl’s night before the baby comes. He doesn’t think that’s such a good idea, and she says she didn’t think he would. And yet, she doesn’t care. She’s not his hostage, and doesn’t need his permission to live her life. He says he knows that, but they’ve been over this ad nauseum. He has enemies. She says, that sounds like a you problem, and he says, not when she’s carrying his baby. He needs her to take this more seriously. She says she wasn’t going to say anything, but she had a bit of a wake-up call, in Wyndham’s, of all places. Someone was following her. He asks if she’s sure, and she says she saw him lurking by the dressing room, and thought he was just a random perv, but then she noticed him looking at her when she was picking out baby clothes, and realized it wasn’t so random. He asks why she didn’t tell him before, and she says, because of Yuri. The big lug was right there, and made her feel safe. She won’t set foot outside this house without him by her side. He says, good, and she thanks him for taking such amazing care of her and her baby. He says she’s welcome, and she starts to pick up her bag, but he tells her, hang on a second. He’s not done.

Chloe says she can assure Maxie, Peter doesn’t want to hurt her or the baby; he’s crazy devoted to her. Maxie says, no, he’s just crazy. Would a sane person toss her and a newborn onto a helicopter, taking her away from her other children, Georgie and James? She can’t be without them. She suddenly cramps, and tells Chloe, she’s not feeling so good. Could she have some of that tea? Chloe says, of course (🍷). How lucky. They might not have to induce. How long has Maxie been cramping? Maxie says she’s not in labor, and Chloe says, it’s fine if she is. It’s so much better going into labor naturally. Maxie says, this can’t be happening, and Chloe says, here’s her tea. She hopes it’s not too hot. Maxie takes the cup, and says, no, it’s perfect. She throws the tea in Chloe’s face, and Chloe goes down to her knees, covering her face.

Nina breaks away from Sonny, and he asks if she’s sure she’s okay. She says she’s fine. How did he know where they were? She never told him where Eli was taking her. He says, when he didn’t see her at the barbecue, he thought he’d guessed wrong. He started thinking, where would Elijah take Nina? and he started asking people if there was a make-out spot where there was privacy, and this was the second spot he checked. She tells him, good detective work, and he says he wanted to stop Eli, and protect Lenny and Phyllis, just like her. He didn’t want to put her in any danger, because she’s important… more than all this. She says when she realized Eli knew it was them who broke into his office, she knew she was in danger. She was so grateful that he showed up. He puts his hands on her arms, and says, do him a favor. Never leave him behind again. She shakes her head, and he kisses her. Woohoo. Two from my wish list in one week. But also, rut-roh. I can’t see this one as turning out well.

Valentin says he knows who’s having Brook followed, and he’s going to address the situation. She and Yuri enjoy girl’s night. Are they leaving soon? She says, as soon as Yuri gets a move on, and yells in Russian, are you still working? Yuri says, da, and Valentin says she speaks Russian. She says you don’t spend as much time in Little Odessa as she did and not pick up something. He says, Little Odessa? and she says, Brighton Beach. He says, right, and leaves. I spent a lot of time at Brighton Beach in my single days, and it does have a large Russian population.

In the living room, Willow puts a blanket on Chase, who’s asleep on the couch. Brook calls to Yuri, asking how it’s going. He says, a loose screw, and she slips out. Outside, she says, Maxie, I’m coming, and walks away from the house.

Britt says she didn’t take Jason as the love ‘em and leave ‘em type, but he says, he’s not leaving her.

Michael comes downstairs as Willow is coming out of the living room. He asks how Chase is, and she says Chase is sleeping. Yuri runs down the stairs, saying, he needs a special wrench. He asks where Brook is.

As she struggles to get up from the floor, Chloe feels around for the syringe on the table. Maxie, who’s cramping for real, gets a fireplace poker. Chloe gets up, brandishing the syringe, and Maxie says, you will never get my baby, bitch, and raises the poker.

Sonny and Nina kiss, but she finally pulls away. He says he didn’t expect that to happen, but he’s glad it did. He moves in for more, but she holds up her hands. He asks, what’s wrong? but she says, nothing. She’s fine. She’s really fine. It’s been a long day, and she needs to go home. So… bye. She runs off, and Sonny watches her go.

Portia comes out, and Brando asks, how’s his mom? Portia says, she’s been taken to surgery. She thinks he should know she’s required by law to report all gunshot wounds. The police are there now and would like to speak with him. Behind Portia, Carly nods, and he says, okay; lead the way. Nikolas tells Ava that Gladys could be in surgery for hours. They should probably go. She says she thinks it might be worth it to stick around a little bit longer. Carly’s phone rings, and she sees the call is from Unknown. It’s Cyrus, who says, she has something he wants, and as it turns out, he has something she wants even more. We see he has Spinelli, bound and gagged.

Tomorrow, Carly begs someone to tell her the truth, Ava wants to help, and Valentin threatens to kill Peter.  

The Real Housewives of New Jersey – The Reunion Part 2

Andy welcomed us to the intense conclusion of the RHONJ Reunion. We jumped right in, with Marge saying that if Teresa said she started the Evan rumor, it was going down really bad. Jackie said there were also rumors about Jennifer out there too, and karma was a bitch. Andy clearly wasn’t ready for this topic, and said they’d talk about it later; moving on. A viewer said they loved drunk Jennifer, and Marge should lighten up. Delores thought Marge was thinking of her own childhood. Marge said it hadn’t been the first time, and Jennifer insisted she wasn’t a sloppy drunk. A sloppy drunk was someone who went home with a stranger. Huh? Marge wondered why it had to involve men. Jennifer was falling on her face, and blackout drunk. Teresa said it was fun, and Marge wondered why. A viewer asked why Jennifer slut-shamed Marge about sleeping with her boss. Andy asked if Jackie had ever experienced sexual harassment on the job, and she said she had bosses who massaged her shoulders when she didn’t want them to. Teresa asked if Jackie let them, and Jackie said she didn’t want to get fired. Teresa said no one touched her unless she wanted them to, and I wondered what jobs she’d ever had. Did she work a McDonald’s window for ten minutes? Marge said that sounded like victim-shaming; like Teresa was saying they allowed it to happen. Teresa insisted it would never happen to her, and I insisted that was because she’s never worked a day in her life. Marge said this was why more women didn’t come forward. Jennifer said Marge had been easy-peasy, and Andy said, moving on again, which he probably said ten times throughout the show. He asked if there was a path ahead for Marge and Jennifer, but Marge didn’t know. Jennifer said she didn’t want to have to defend herself. She hadn’t wanted to call Marge slutty. So I guess is her definition of defending herself is name calling, not just refuting the point. Got it. Marge said, despite the bullsh*t, she always did the right thing, and griped because nobody thanked her for leaving them champagne and autographed copies of her book. Teresa thought Marge was getting back at her for the hair pull, but Marge said she wasn’t a retaliator. Andy asked Delores if David had gotten angry about her vaginal surgery, and Delores said he had. Teresa said maybe he’d change his mind once he put it in. Wow.

We went down Delores Memory Lane, and Andy asked if Delores and David were still together. She said they were, but she never moved into his house. She was renovating her own house, and admitted a bit of the reason was to stick it to him. She felt he loved her, but didn’t know how be in a relationship. David had been married before, but it had been 14 years since he was divorced. He had four kids, who Delores said she was close to. Jackie said most men wouldn’t tolerate Delores’s close relationship with Frank, and suggested, instead of a ring, David had given Delores Frank, and that was what was good for her. I’ll say it again, Delores has the ideal situation. Andy asked if Delores thought David didn’t want to get married to anyone, or just her. We saw a clip of Andy speaking with Frank Jr., and asking if he thought Delores and David would ever get married. Frankie said he spent a lot of time with David and heard things others didn’t.  Andy asked if Delores would marry David, and she said she would, but she had a list of demands.

Andy said Teresa had been sex obsessed and pineapple crazy. She’d finally ended her marriage, and was in love with a mystery man. We flashed back to Teresa’s love life this season, and Andy asked if Louie was the first guy she’d dated after the divorce. She said she’d talked to other guys, but was vague on what that actually meant. We did find out she and Louie say I love you, and he has two sons, seventeen and nineteen, the oldest having autism, Teresa said she got along with his children, and thought his ex was a lovely person. The subject of Juicy Joe’s cheating or not came up, but I wasn’t sure why that was even still an issue. I can’t imagine he wasn’t. End of story. Andy asked if Louie was the only man Teresa had sex with outside of Joe #1, which even I thought was intrusive, but she said he was. We found out Joe #1 was moving to the Bahamas, and would be going back and forth from there to Italy. Teresa and Louie had met Joe in there for dinner, which wasn’t too awkward. To make things even more awkward, Andy brought up Kim D accusing Louie of mistreating his exes, but Teresa said she didn’t talk to sewer rats, although she felt bad, since his public humiliation was because of her. She thought she’d redeemed herself this season, and Jackie asked if she was sure. Teresa defended herself all over the place about the rumor thing, from saying she wasn’t trying to ruin the party to pretending she just wanted Jackie to know, like any good friend would. Jackie said, funny, since Teresa had told everyone but her.   

The husbands joined, and no big shock, the Evan rumor was discussed again. Evan said he hadn’t thought it could get worse than his kids hearing he didn’t get BJs. He was concerned about his reputation at first, but in the end, had only gotten a lot of good natured ribbing. Once again, Joe #3 was put in the hot seat, Andy asking if he’d really heard the rumor elsewhere, but he said he’d heard it from the yentas talking in his house. Teresa made more excuses, and Andy asked if she’d done it to hurt Jackie. She said, no, but Jackie said, bullsh*t. A rumor like that had the potential to ruin a marriage. Teresa whined that Jackie kept bringing up her having gone to jail, and Jackie said she mentioned it twice, which was correct.  

Andy said Danielle had claimed Marge was the source of the rumor, and Delores said Danielle blamed Marge for everything. Andy said Jennifer had thought so too, and Jennifer said Marge claimed she’d heard it from someone in Tenafly, and Marge hung out in the Tenafly circles. I had absolutely no idea what she meant or who traveled in these circles. She thought it had gone from Marge to Melissa, to Joe #2, to Teresa, but Marge said she was close with Jackie, and if she’d heard anything, would have told her. When Teresa said Jackie should have explained she was giving an analogy first, and all would have been well, I actually said, oh God, help me, out loud. A viewer asked if Joe #2 would ever check Teresa on her bad behavior. He hemmed and hawed, and said he backed Teresa up because she’s his sister. I think he’s scared of her. He sure looked nervous. Teresa kept saying she hadn’t spread the rumor, when she’d clearly told several people at Jackie’s party. I wondered WTF she called it. There’s no way someone could be this stupid, could they? Please, tell me they can’t. Teresa said Louie liked to golf, and suggested a playdate with Evan, who thought that was a cool idea. Andy said the national nightmare was over, and I literally lol’d.  

I get it. This is entertaining on a certain level, like wrestling. But while wrestling is real in the sense that the people are really champions in the sport – the dance, as I like to call it – they’re given storylines to follow. So they’re also actors. These are real people and it disturbs me when someone so vicious suffers no consequences for it. Teresa stomps all over people, refuses to see reason, seems to have no understanding of the English language whatsoever, and gets free reign because she’s being paid to be obnoxious and perpetually table flip. At least Andy is starting to check her, but I think it’s time for people like her to go. We have enough hate in the world. I feel for what she’s been through. Even she didn’t deserve Juicy Joe’s fast track to jail, but enough already. For God’s sake, she thinks throwing a chair isn’t going ballistic.

Andy said this year, it was fitting to say goodbye with something a little sweeter, and pineapple drinks with umbrellas in them were served. Actually, it looked like a tiny island floating in there. Teresa wondered where hers was, and Louie brought it out. Andy invited him to stay for a moment, and asked what he loved about Teresa. Louie said she was open and real; she was genuine. Andy asked him to make his best toast, and he said, to ending one season, and to another one with no drama. Hmm… If that was his best toast, maybe they are perfect for one another, and someone can be that stupid. But lame effort or no, he asked a lot. The women came up with new beginnings, a fresh start, and a clean slate. All of which ought to last all of five minutes. Louie met the other guys backstage, and it was a nice thing to end with. I really do think this group of husbands should get their own show. The women said Andy was next, since they were all paired up, and Jackie said she had a nice Jewish guy for him.  

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Erika picked out a wardrobe for Tahoe, and Sutton came over to keep her and her clothes company. In Erika’s interview, she said when she first met Sutton, she thought Sutton was over-the-top. Erika thought someone was over the top. Sutton no less. What? She said once she got to know Sutton, she saw that Sutton was a proper Southern lady. Sutton told Erika that she’d sold her house, which had been symbolic of her marriage and dependence, and decided to build. She thought she had a pretty mess inside. Inside her was a strong, impassioned woman who gave a f***. She and Erika did a weird high-five, and I wondered, wasn’t it Erika who sang about giving zero f***s?

Garcelle met with Kyle to discuss Kyle calling her out for non-payment of a charity bid. Garcelle said they had an address she hadn’t had in years, and asked if Kyle would have said that to one of the white women. She felt the issue had been weaponized against her. She didn’t think it was intentional, but it reflected a stereotype, indicating she didn’t pay her bills. Kyle said she hadn’t even thought about that, and Garcelle said that was because she didn’t have to, since she didn’t experience it. In Garcelle’s interview, she said there was a lot of stuff people didn’t realize Black women needed to think about before they do anything. No one asked what it was like being a Black woman in Hollywood, and it made her feel like an outsider. To Garcelle’s credit, she explained it well, and to Kyle’s credit, she got it. Crystal tried to get her daughter to drink some green juice by making a game of it, and in her interview, she said it was a cliché to call a Chinese mom a tiger mom, but she was one. She talked about husband Rob’s work, saying she didn’t like to brag about herself, but she liked to brag about him. Scheduling was a passion, and the family’s schedule was color-coded according to member. She told us no one was allowed to change it except her. Her brother was currently living with them because of covid, but his day job was being a pop star in China. She said while he was there, she’d appointed him her manny. She wanted to instill respect for the elders of the family in her children, but wasn’t sure it was working because her kids were crazy.

Garcelle and LisaR were the first to show up for the flight to Tahoe, and in her interview, Garcelle said she was excited to go, but it was awkward being there with LisaR. Kathy was also going with them, and had never gone on an all girls trip. She’d only jet-setted with her husband. Garcelle was afraid of small planes, but it was only a one-hour flight, which is two seconds in TV time. They were driven to an Airbnb called Lake Sherman estates; 17,000 square feet, a private chef, and an amazing view. Garcelle did change her room from the first to second floor when it was noted that bears were at ground level, the manager telling them to keep the sliding doors locked. She said, second floor, no bears, she was good. They had to carry their own bags, and it was as though a tragedy had befallen. In Kyle’s interview, she said she was happy to have Kathy back in her life again. She’d had anxiety and depression not speaking to her sister, and they’d finally worked through their problems. I swear, every time I just saw LisaR, my blood pressure went up.

Even though they had a chef, Kyle wanted to cook. They laughed about Kathy mistaking Garcelle for Kyle, and Erika said when Tom had conversations with people he didn’t remember, she could tell because he didn’t introduce her. Kyle set the salmon on fire, and in Erika’s interview, she said it wasn’t blackened; it was burnt fish. We found out that Kyle’s family nickname was Doogie, and Sutton brought gifts. Something she thought was important during covid, but they also had an election week coming up. Inside the gift bags, the women found flasks engraved with their initials. Kyle wondered if you pulled a flask out of a beautiful bag, was it wrong? I toyed with the idea of carrying one.

Dorit suggested a game of Two Truths and One Lie, where you make three statements about yourself, and everyone has to guess which is a lie. LisaR acted shocked when two of Crystal’s statements were that she worked in an escort agency, and was asked to be a madam. That everything is so dramatic with that one is annoying too. Crystal said she had worked for an escort service, but she’d answered phones, which was exactly what I thought she was going to say. We found out Sutton worked at Starbuck’s, and Erika only revealed that she was adopted – by her stepfather. She said she’d explain the other two privately, but of course, no one said, hey dude, that’s not playing the game. LisaR said she wasn’t a good liar, which isn’t exactly owning it. Garcelle pointed out LisaR was an actress, and in Garcelle’s interview, she said LisaR claimed she wasn’t close with Denise, proving she was a good liar. All of Kathy’s were true, and in Kyle’s interview, she said Kathy had no interest in following rules. Kyle, Crystal, and Sutton stayed up drinking, while Garcelle sought out LisaR. Garcelle told LisaR about her conversation with Sutton, and said LisaR seemed to think it was all good, but it wasn’t. LisaR said she’d told her husband (#WhatDidHarryDo) that it had been a step in the right direction. Garcelle said she’d seen a side of LisaR that she’d never seen, and it was scary. She didn’t trust LisaR. Denise had felt she and LisaR were good friends, but LisaR had said they weren’t close. In her interview, Garcelle said that trust was always important to her, but became more so after her divorce. Without it, you couldn’t have a relationship. She asked LisaR how she knew trusting her wouldn’t backfire, but LisaR said she couldn’t promise that. Garcelle said she could promise not to go after LisaR, so what was up with that? LisaR said she thought Garcelle wanted to punish her a little, which was idiotic, and Garcelle said she’d always been passive. She’d had to learn how to say how she felt. In her interview, she said Black women were often seen as aggressive or angry, so they tended to hold back. She told LisaR it would take time, and LisaR got all excited, no doubt hearing, you’re my best friend now. She jumped up and down, happy about being honest. In LisaR’s interview, she said, Denise hadn’t wanted to deal with issues, and ran. Don’t run, don’t hide, and don’t send cease and desists. Just be honest. I’d say Denise felt like she was being attacked, and removed herself from the situation. Just being honest.

Kyle told Crystal and Sutton about her lunch with Garcelle, and Crystal said stereotypes were so painful, sometimes you didn’t see anything else. Sutton said she wasn’t talking racial stereotypes, and she’d been stereotyped as a redneck too. They were a group of educated and traveled women. Crystal asked if Sutton claimed not to see color.  

To be continued…

Next time, some kind of weird, pedal-powered vehicle on train tracks; an altercation, but I can’t figure out with who; Crystal calls Sutton uptight; and LisaR says Sutton is ridiculous. Really?

💎 I caught a little of an unseen footage episode of last week’s RHOBH. Otherwise known as, Bravo milking the franchise. In an amusing moment, Kyle said she’d sent Kathy some tragic story, and Kathy responded with LOL. It seems Kathy thought that meant Loads Of Love. D’oh!

🍹 New Wife In the House…

All about Crystal.

https://thetab.com/uk/2021/05/19/meet-crystal-kung-minkoff-the-newest-housewife-of-real-housewives-of-beverly-hills-205916

🌉 Night, Night, Baby…

See you tomorrow for soap and gorgeous unaffordable apartments. No matter your price point, stay safe, stay never letting them see you sweat, and stay away from Tenafly circles. Not only do they start rumors, that actually sounds like something you get from an insect bite.